learned:
* Zoe: i'm a fabulous actress.
Lola: you are? i'm still new here, i only know you as a cheerleader.
Zoe: i'll put it to you this way: i'm not Zoe Rivas. this entire time i've just been playing Zoe Rivas. my real name is Tessa Campanelli.
Lola: fuckin'.
* Clare: i don't want to tell Drew. i don't want to tell Eli.
Alli: whom do you want to tell?
Clare: Mama Torres. this show's still a drama, right?
* Miles: where did you get this sushi?
Tristan: the gas station.
Miles: where did you get this origami?
Tristan: i bought it. it's the thought that counts, though, right?
Miles: where did you get that robe?
Tristan: i stole it out of your closet.
Miles: i love you.
Tristan: you're a horrible person.
Miles: where's my weed?
* Drew: are you stupid?!
Clare: no, i'm just not the best math student.
* Alli: i was gonna have sex with you, but now i'm not!
Dallas starts to cry.
Clare: whoa, whoa, whoa. Alli, that's just cold.
* Eli: Clare, you are a whore.
Clare: i'm interested to see how the Degrassi facebook page handles this. will they post a picture of you saying i'm a whore in big white letters?
Eli: ho ho ho
Clare: okay, i get it! when did you become such an unfeeling asshole?
Eli: no, hohoho, merry Christmas! how was your Christmas, Clare? did you get everything you were asking for?
* Zoe (holding Hunter by the scruff of his neck): well?
Hunter: hey, watch the neck flesh!
Zoe: well?
Hunter: i know not of the net flesh.
* Zoe takes a picture of Frankie's tits.
Frankie: what the fuck, you villain! you have irreparably violated me!
Zoe: relax, i'm posting this on the front page of our official cheerleading website, not Degrassi Nudes.
* Tristan: it's obvious you're still in love with Maya, i see how you look at her.
Miles: no, i just have a phone fetish.
* Principal Simpson: Zoe, my office.
Zoe (tears in her eyes): what for, sir?
Principal Simpson: i want to try those cupcakes of yours you're always raving about.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Degrassi "Something's Got To Give" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Grandma Baker: elbows off the table.
Drew: sorry.
Grandma Baker: do you like the taste of my pie? hey i said off the table!
Drew: yes, yes, sorry, i love your pie, i want to always be eating your sweet sweet pie, licking it all up with my tongue, it's just that i'm distracted looking at my phone, the baby just kicked.
Grandma Baker: i don't care about that, elbows off the table, you little bitch!
* Imogen: leaping lizards!
Jack (singing): and five golden rings...
* Miles's dad: are you lying to me to get out of trouble, son?
Miles: no.
Miles's dad: that's my boy! chip off the ol' politician block!
* detective: can you draw all of the stores and the cars in relation to said drawn stores?
Maya: no i can't. i'm not an artist, i can't draw. also, i'm crazy, you don't want me drawing what's in my head.
* Imogen: if you so readily flash your tits to anyone, how is it special when you flash them to me?
Jack: you get to hold them and touch them and squeeze them and jiggle them and lick them, not just pay to see them with an untraceable credit card.
Imogen: Eli, why are you suddenly covering up the crotch area of your pants with your hands?
Eli: i spilled some goth absinthe down there, that's all, i'll be right back, gotta go to the bathroom...
* nurse: not 12 weeks, 16 weeks.
Clare: well fuck me, Eli's the father.
nurse: hello, spoilers! i wanted to find out on Maury with everyone else. *sigh* oh well. still not as big a bombshell as Korrasami.
Clare: true, true.
nurse: still gonna keep the name Adam?
Clare: yeah, blood is thicker than absinthe.
* Grandma Baker: elbows off the table.
Drew: sorry.
Grandma Baker: do you like the taste of my pie? hey i said off the table!
Drew: yes, yes, sorry, i love your pie, i want to always be eating your sweet sweet pie, licking it all up with my tongue, it's just that i'm distracted looking at my phone, the baby just kicked.
Grandma Baker: i don't care about that, elbows off the table, you little bitch!
* Imogen: leaping lizards!
Jack (singing): and five golden rings...
* Miles's dad: are you lying to me to get out of trouble, son?
Miles: no.
Miles's dad: that's my boy! chip off the ol' politician block!
* detective: can you draw all of the stores and the cars in relation to said drawn stores?
Maya: no i can't. i'm not an artist, i can't draw. also, i'm crazy, you don't want me drawing what's in my head.
* Imogen: if you so readily flash your tits to anyone, how is it special when you flash them to me?
Jack: you get to hold them and touch them and squeeze them and jiggle them and lick them, not just pay to see them with an untraceable credit card.
Imogen: Eli, why are you suddenly covering up the crotch area of your pants with your hands?
Eli: i spilled some goth absinthe down there, that's all, i'll be right back, gotta go to the bathroom...
* nurse: not 12 weeks, 16 weeks.
Clare: well fuck me, Eli's the father.
nurse: hello, spoilers! i wanted to find out on Maury with everyone else. *sigh* oh well. still not as big a bombshell as Korrasami.
Clare: true, true.
nurse: still gonna keep the name Adam?
Clare: yeah, blood is thicker than absinthe.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Saturday Night Live Amy Adams / One Direction Episode Discussion
learned:
* Dr. Evil: that thing where you're happy to see him again but sad cos it reminds you of when this show was watercooler good, brimming with potential, filled with memorable characters played by trained actors and actors in training, stacked with writers who could change U.S. policy with their skit pencils.
* critic me: Wiig and Armisen are good, but they're no Jimmy and Justin.
me: i love Kristen Wiig cos she's hot. Fred Armisen's corpsing is warm and inviting, when you see him laugh, you join in and laugh to, together as a family, very Harvey Korman.
critic me: that's biased.
me: no i'm not racist, but i tend to think a human's worth is more in the feelings than the mind.
critic me: without your mind, we couldn't be carrying on this conversation right now.
me: touche. you won the argument. how do you feel about this?
* Christmas Serial: hard-hitting investigative analysis here. but remember, the UPS guy could be lying cos his company is in direct competition with Santa. so, Christmas magic is Satanism, right? i really need to watch Serial. or hear it. see it. i'm always behind on the latest trends, i'm always so busy typing up tv-show reviews, busy with busywork. this holiday break will afford me time for Serial, the Lego Batman movie i picked up before Nymphomaniac and of course a perennial Christmas tradition at our house, A Christmas Story 2. all while eating Christmas cereal.
* One Direction:
Harry: entering his Stevie Nicks phase, every lead singer of every band has the Stevie Nicks dream.
Zayn: actually gets more tail than Harry but has to keep that to himself or the whole dynamic of the band will crumble.
Louis: see how he's all bug-eyed pronouncing the lyrics? he is so sick of this shit.
Niall: the serious musician of the group, he plays acoustic guitar.
Liam: Liam? that's his name? had to look him up, poor boy. hey, it'll be okay, look at Ringo now.
* raccoon sisters: i loved this, Keep SNL Weird, the crazier the better. heck just invite Tim & Eric to host and go full anti-comedy. the furries loved this skit, too, but secretly they wanted the roles reversed...
* goodnights: and i thought Martin Freeman's goodnights last week were terse. what's going on this week that everyone doesn't want to be at work?
* Dr. Evil: that thing where you're happy to see him again but sad cos it reminds you of when this show was watercooler good, brimming with potential, filled with memorable characters played by trained actors and actors in training, stacked with writers who could change U.S. policy with their skit pencils.
* critic me: Wiig and Armisen are good, but they're no Jimmy and Justin.
me: i love Kristen Wiig cos she's hot. Fred Armisen's corpsing is warm and inviting, when you see him laugh, you join in and laugh to, together as a family, very Harvey Korman.
critic me: that's biased.
me: no i'm not racist, but i tend to think a human's worth is more in the feelings than the mind.
critic me: without your mind, we couldn't be carrying on this conversation right now.
me: touche. you won the argument. how do you feel about this?
* Christmas Serial: hard-hitting investigative analysis here. but remember, the UPS guy could be lying cos his company is in direct competition with Santa. so, Christmas magic is Satanism, right? i really need to watch Serial. or hear it. see it. i'm always behind on the latest trends, i'm always so busy typing up tv-show reviews, busy with busywork. this holiday break will afford me time for Serial, the Lego Batman movie i picked up before Nymphomaniac and of course a perennial Christmas tradition at our house, A Christmas Story 2. all while eating Christmas cereal.
* One Direction:
Harry: entering his Stevie Nicks phase, every lead singer of every band has the Stevie Nicks dream.
Zayn: actually gets more tail than Harry but has to keep that to himself or the whole dynamic of the band will crumble.
Louis: see how he's all bug-eyed pronouncing the lyrics? he is so sick of this shit.
Niall: the serious musician of the group, he plays acoustic guitar.
Liam: Liam? that's his name? had to look him up, poor boy. hey, it'll be okay, look at Ringo now.
* raccoon sisters: i loved this, Keep SNL Weird, the crazier the better. heck just invite Tim & Eric to host and go full anti-comedy. the furries loved this skit, too, but secretly they wanted the roles reversed...
* goodnights: and i thought Martin Freeman's goodnights last week were terse. what's going on this week that everyone doesn't want to be at work?
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Degrassi "Hush" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Miles: hey i don't know if it's the camera angles or the black underwear or the light hitting on all my muscles or the devil-may-care expression on my face, but i look way hotter than normal when i'm a stoned mess like this.
* Tristan: this is an intervention.
Miles: pot isn't my problem, you guys are just jealous...of my pot.
Frankie: we care about you.
Miles: you flashed your tits for money, without being high!
Chewy: you're slacking, man.
Miles: you went online and berated a little kid with racial slurs!
Tristan: we're worried about you.
Miles: this isn't a gay thing, but Tristan, i hate you because you are fucking annoying!
Hunter: you're creepy, Miles...
* Maya: am i crazy?
Miles: nah, we're all a little crazy...you just happen to be crazier than everyone else.
Maya: i was diagnosed with a lot of anxiety.
Miles: here, have a pot cig, they help me relieve stress.
* Drew: i'm jealous of that guy Jonah. does he wear eyeliner?
Becky: it's guyliner, there's a difference. it's my eyeliner and i have to say it looks better on him than on me.
Drew: it's just that you two have that music-connection thing i don't have with you.
Becky: don't worry, you're Drew Torres, you and i have a chemistry that burns a brighter yellow than those blinding sun dresses i used to wear. what could go wrong? he's a musician.
* Jonah: i won't get fresh with you, i'm a man of faith now, i don't get into trouble.
Becky: get fresh? who says that anymore?
Jonah: channeling the original series...Becky, i'm sorry but i must get fresh with you.
Becky: what changed?
Jonah: i took a long look at your ass while we were performing at The Dot together. you were concentrating so hard on singing the right lyrics you didn't notice.
* Lola: be careful with my phone, i've named it Ryan Gosling.
Grace: i don't want to know where you put it when you're alone at night. oh, and Lola? kind of an unfortunate name considering our Degrassi storylines...
* Zoe: how does it feel to be roughed up by a group of girls in cheerleading outfits, weirdo?
Hunter: a-okay.
* Arlene: i was the doll.
Hunter: you're still a doll to me.
Arlene: i am the one.
Hunter: is this some chick thing where you're giving me code that you want me to propose to you?
Arlene: i was created as a character solely to set fire to this place. i won't have any other purpose going forward. i'm like Cam in this regard.
Hunter: who's Cam?
* Miles: hey i don't know if it's the camera angles or the black underwear or the light hitting on all my muscles or the devil-may-care expression on my face, but i look way hotter than normal when i'm a stoned mess like this.
* Tristan: this is an intervention.
Miles: pot isn't my problem, you guys are just jealous...of my pot.
Frankie: we care about you.
Miles: you flashed your tits for money, without being high!
Chewy: you're slacking, man.
Miles: you went online and berated a little kid with racial slurs!
Tristan: we're worried about you.
Miles: this isn't a gay thing, but Tristan, i hate you because you are fucking annoying!
Hunter: you're creepy, Miles...
* Maya: am i crazy?
Miles: nah, we're all a little crazy...you just happen to be crazier than everyone else.
Maya: i was diagnosed with a lot of anxiety.
Miles: here, have a pot cig, they help me relieve stress.
* Drew: i'm jealous of that guy Jonah. does he wear eyeliner?
Becky: it's guyliner, there's a difference. it's my eyeliner and i have to say it looks better on him than on me.
Drew: it's just that you two have that music-connection thing i don't have with you.
Becky: don't worry, you're Drew Torres, you and i have a chemistry that burns a brighter yellow than those blinding sun dresses i used to wear. what could go wrong? he's a musician.
* Jonah: i won't get fresh with you, i'm a man of faith now, i don't get into trouble.
Becky: get fresh? who says that anymore?
Jonah: channeling the original series...Becky, i'm sorry but i must get fresh with you.
Becky: what changed?
Jonah: i took a long look at your ass while we were performing at The Dot together. you were concentrating so hard on singing the right lyrics you didn't notice.
* Lola: be careful with my phone, i've named it Ryan Gosling.
Grace: i don't want to know where you put it when you're alone at night. oh, and Lola? kind of an unfortunate name considering our Degrassi storylines...
* Zoe: how does it feel to be roughed up by a group of girls in cheerleading outfits, weirdo?
Hunter: a-okay.
* Arlene: i was the doll.
Hunter: you're still a doll to me.
Arlene: i am the one.
Hunter: is this some chick thing where you're giving me code that you want me to propose to you?
Arlene: i was created as a character solely to set fire to this place. i won't have any other purpose going forward. i'm like Cam in this regard.
Hunter: who's Cam?
Monday, December 15, 2014
Saturday Night Live Martin Freeman / Charli XCX Episode Discussion
learned:
* i'm gonna wrap this show up with one tiny bow: nostalgia. many of the skits brought me back to earlier days in my life, happier times, or at least more innocent times, and for that, Show, i am grateful and bow.
* Sump'n Claus: love it, it's the participation trophy, it's the good kind of socialism. but you forgot one important person: Satan. Satan's gift. The Church Lady would be so disappointed.
* The Office: the good Office, the original one, the British one, the one that created Gervais who would later go on to revitalize the Muppets, the one that made eczema fashionable again, heartfelt songs on acoustic guitar were allowed to be not gay. it all came flooding back: the Scotch egg, the jello stapler, the MC Hammer shit dance. that show was the first comedy since, oh i dunno, The Cosby Show (i know but y'know), where i pored over every line and every motion, every scene of every episode, it was art i engulfed. got me reinterested in British comedy, in comedy in general (i was getting dark with the drama), and the touch of DVDs. made me check out old Monty Python youtubes i hadn't seen before.
* Church: as a (relapsed) Catholic, this struck me (down) as few skits ever have. i mean, it was pitch perfect about the liturgical Mass, awkward up-and-down tonal singing, that beautifully damned organ, tourists who cram the pews only on Christmas and Easter, the funky ways priests try to stay hip with their sermons, and the best part: sneaking a peek at Father's home built into the church as an adjacent wing like some underground bunker and only seeing the front-entrance table. oh my god that was classic! for decades i filled my free time wondering how exactly a priest's house looked like: what were the furnishings? did he have cross bedsheets and a mini stained glass window over the minibar? hey, did anyone else as an altarboy drink all that stored altar wine backstage before showtime or was that just me?
* Sasheer's emojis: fantastic. let her shine, Show, let her keep doing stuff like this, she's magnificent! as a recent instaaddict, i feel her completely: it's time for an Expansion 2.0 patch, time for a whole new set: i still can't believe there's no butterfly (caterpillar but no butterfly), no chess/checkers board nor pieces, no bubbles. i feel naked when i'm in the bubblebath and take a pic and post it to insta but can't add a bubbles symbol.
* Charli XCX: has an outstanding body. and looks like Lorde. so she's Randy Marsh. ya ya ya.
* cut for time: Santa Traps: santaburgers sound good right about now...
* i'm gonna wrap this show up with one tiny bow: nostalgia. many of the skits brought me back to earlier days in my life, happier times, or at least more innocent times, and for that, Show, i am grateful and bow.
* Sump'n Claus: love it, it's the participation trophy, it's the good kind of socialism. but you forgot one important person: Satan. Satan's gift. The Church Lady would be so disappointed.
* The Office: the good Office, the original one, the British one, the one that created Gervais who would later go on to revitalize the Muppets, the one that made eczema fashionable again, heartfelt songs on acoustic guitar were allowed to be not gay. it all came flooding back: the Scotch egg, the jello stapler, the MC Hammer shit dance. that show was the first comedy since, oh i dunno, The Cosby Show (i know but y'know), where i pored over every line and every motion, every scene of every episode, it was art i engulfed. got me reinterested in British comedy, in comedy in general (i was getting dark with the drama), and the touch of DVDs. made me check out old Monty Python youtubes i hadn't seen before.
* Church: as a (relapsed) Catholic, this struck me (down) as few skits ever have. i mean, it was pitch perfect about the liturgical Mass, awkward up-and-down tonal singing, that beautifully damned organ, tourists who cram the pews only on Christmas and Easter, the funky ways priests try to stay hip with their sermons, and the best part: sneaking a peek at Father's home built into the church as an adjacent wing like some underground bunker and only seeing the front-entrance table. oh my god that was classic! for decades i filled my free time wondering how exactly a priest's house looked like: what were the furnishings? did he have cross bedsheets and a mini stained glass window over the minibar? hey, did anyone else as an altarboy drink all that stored altar wine backstage before showtime or was that just me?
* Sasheer's emojis: fantastic. let her shine, Show, let her keep doing stuff like this, she's magnificent! as a recent instaaddict, i feel her completely: it's time for an Expansion 2.0 patch, time for a whole new set: i still can't believe there's no butterfly (caterpillar but no butterfly), no chess/checkers board nor pieces, no bubbles. i feel naked when i'm in the bubblebath and take a pic and post it to insta but can't add a bubbles symbol.
* Charli XCX: has an outstanding body. and looks like Lorde. so she's Randy Marsh. ya ya ya.
* cut for time: Santa Traps: santaburgers sound good right about now...
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Pattern Seventeen" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Carisi: i'm here...
Amaro: ...so i'm not.
Carisi: what? they can't put us in the same room together for fear of beating each other up?
Amaro: i'll never forgive you for that poo-pizza prank.
Carisi: hahahahahaha, gotta love nutella.
* Liv: what did it sound like?
victim: humming, like a church hymn, i didn't recognize it, though, i'm not very religious.
Carisi: isn't that a cross around your neck?
victim: no, it's spaghetti for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Carisi: i love spaghetti! hey have you tried nutella spaghetti?
Liv: not now, Carisi.
* Liv: why am i here? why did i have to get dressed up?
roundtable: you are at the police roundtable, otherwise known as the Illuminati.
Liv: ah yes, i spot Gaga finally. sorry, girl, i left my egg in my other uniform pants.
* girl: mom, can they really do this to us?
mom: apparently, that's why i handed your phone over to them.
girl: how could you! don't you know a girl's phone is her life?
mom: what i saw on there was shocking, especially all the pics of firemen in casual settings.
girl: i'm a Bob's Burgers fan.
* judge: do you need to get that? you seem constantly distracted.
Liv: no, judge, i'm present, i'm turning off all electronics...right after i read all the online reviews of Peter Pan Live, this job is dark, i need a good laugh.
* Rollins: hello?
skeevy southern police chief: drinks later?
Rollins: no, i'm busy and you raped me.
skeevy southern police chief: now that's no way to treat a gentleman, little lady, it's not real proper like.
Rollins: y'know, just from your voice i'm imagining you right now ogling some woman's ass as we speak on the phone...
* Carisi: i'm here...
Amaro: ...so i'm not.
Carisi: what? they can't put us in the same room together for fear of beating each other up?
Amaro: i'll never forgive you for that poo-pizza prank.
Carisi: hahahahahaha, gotta love nutella.
* Liv: what did it sound like?
victim: humming, like a church hymn, i didn't recognize it, though, i'm not very religious.
Carisi: isn't that a cross around your neck?
victim: no, it's spaghetti for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Carisi: i love spaghetti! hey have you tried nutella spaghetti?
Liv: not now, Carisi.
* Liv: why am i here? why did i have to get dressed up?
roundtable: you are at the police roundtable, otherwise known as the Illuminati.
Liv: ah yes, i spot Gaga finally. sorry, girl, i left my egg in my other uniform pants.
* girl: mom, can they really do this to us?
mom: apparently, that's why i handed your phone over to them.
girl: how could you! don't you know a girl's phone is her life?
mom: what i saw on there was shocking, especially all the pics of firemen in casual settings.
girl: i'm a Bob's Burgers fan.
* judge: do you need to get that? you seem constantly distracted.
Liv: no, judge, i'm present, i'm turning off all electronics...right after i read all the online reviews of Peter Pan Live, this job is dark, i need a good laugh.
* Rollins: hello?
skeevy southern police chief: drinks later?
Rollins: no, i'm busy and you raped me.
skeevy southern police chief: now that's no way to treat a gentleman, little lady, it's not real proper like.
Rollins: y'know, just from your voice i'm imagining you right now ogling some woman's ass as we speak on the phone...
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Degrassi "I'll Be Missing You" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Tristan: you're saying that I am the bad influence on Miles?
Chewy: in a word: yes.
Tristan: fuck you.
Chewy: Miles used to work hard/play hard. now all he does is play hard.
Tristan: he still works ME hard.
Chewy: fuck you, man, i'm still not over that.
Tristan: intervention? he'll hate us.
Chewy: got a better idea?
Tristan: no.
Frankie: intervention it is.
Tristan: lose the bitch, this is our concern.
Chewy: she's Miles's sister, remember? this intervention is for YOU.
Tristan: me?
Chewy: yeah, something has gone terribly wrong with your character...
Tristan: so smoking pot alone is fun?
Miles: yep. try it.
Tristan (tries it): huh, yeah, you're right.
Miles: there's one way we can prove to everyone at home and at school that we're okay. we must complete this homework assignment together. who's ready for some school?!
Tristan: i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know where i am anymore, my character is gone.
Miles: see? good thing.
* Zoe picks up the doll.
doll: i'm Talky Tina and i love you.
Zoe: should i be terrified? i'm too young to know this reference.
Zoe: we make the best cupcakes, sir!
Principal Simpson: are cupcakes you crazy kids' lingo for showing your boobs online?
Zoe: how did you find out?
Principal Simpson: hey, i'm the cool principal, remember? the relatable one. i watch porn at home just like all you crazy cool kids do.
Grace: i'm the greatest hacker in the world. it's 100% untraceable...wait, i just got hacked...by some guy by the handle of Snowden...he's kinda cute...
Zoe: i've got a secret.
Grace: you wouldn't say that unless you were desperately burning to spill the beans.
Zoe: i'm the one who sent the doll.
Grace: but why?
Zoe: it's always the one you least suspect...yeah i don't have a lot of friends, i'm just really bored.
* Connor: Alli, are you gonna go to Stephen Hawking's school? (talks in a robot voice) i am Stephen Hawking, i have a robot voice.
Dallas: dude, that's offensive.
Connor: no, i'm just repeating the trailer i saw for that Hawking movie coming out. that dude is gonna win the Oscar, book it.
Alli: what i'm saying is i don't want to have sex.
Dallas: with me?
Alli: with anyone other than me.
Dallas: i get it, so we're broken up?
Alli: i love you.
Dallas: i'm confused. you have fucked other guys.
Alli: i love you too much to ever sleep with you. our love is pure.
Dallas: oh, thanks.
Alli: i have some sex hangups. messy past, you get it, right? will you wait for me?
Dallas: how long?
Alli: for eternity, like our eternal love.
Dallas: oh.
Dallas: hey, you like it when i touch that?
Alli: oh yeah.
Dallas: like it when i touch this button?
Alli: fuck yeah.
Dallas: like it when i slide my stylus hard to the right like this?
Alli: I'M GONNA FUCKING CUM!!!
Dallas: come from where? you're already here. okay, we're at the main screen now...
* Tristan: you're saying that I am the bad influence on Miles?
Chewy: in a word: yes.
Tristan: fuck you.
Chewy: Miles used to work hard/play hard. now all he does is play hard.
Tristan: he still works ME hard.
Chewy: fuck you, man, i'm still not over that.
Tristan: intervention? he'll hate us.
Chewy: got a better idea?
Tristan: no.
Frankie: intervention it is.
Tristan: lose the bitch, this is our concern.
Chewy: she's Miles's sister, remember? this intervention is for YOU.
Tristan: me?
Chewy: yeah, something has gone terribly wrong with your character...
Tristan: so smoking pot alone is fun?
Miles: yep. try it.
Tristan (tries it): huh, yeah, you're right.
Miles: there's one way we can prove to everyone at home and at school that we're okay. we must complete this homework assignment together. who's ready for some school?!
Tristan: i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know where i am anymore, my character is gone.
Miles: see? good thing.
* Zoe picks up the doll.
doll: i'm Talky Tina and i love you.
Zoe: should i be terrified? i'm too young to know this reference.
Zoe: we make the best cupcakes, sir!
Principal Simpson: are cupcakes you crazy kids' lingo for showing your boobs online?
Zoe: how did you find out?
Principal Simpson: hey, i'm the cool principal, remember? the relatable one. i watch porn at home just like all you crazy cool kids do.
Grace: i'm the greatest hacker in the world. it's 100% untraceable...wait, i just got hacked...by some guy by the handle of Snowden...he's kinda cute...
Zoe: i've got a secret.
Grace: you wouldn't say that unless you were desperately burning to spill the beans.
Zoe: i'm the one who sent the doll.
Grace: but why?
Zoe: it's always the one you least suspect...yeah i don't have a lot of friends, i'm just really bored.
* Connor: Alli, are you gonna go to Stephen Hawking's school? (talks in a robot voice) i am Stephen Hawking, i have a robot voice.
Dallas: dude, that's offensive.
Connor: no, i'm just repeating the trailer i saw for that Hawking movie coming out. that dude is gonna win the Oscar, book it.
Alli: what i'm saying is i don't want to have sex.
Dallas: with me?
Alli: with anyone other than me.
Dallas: i get it, so we're broken up?
Alli: i love you.
Dallas: i'm confused. you have fucked other guys.
Alli: i love you too much to ever sleep with you. our love is pure.
Dallas: oh, thanks.
Alli: i have some sex hangups. messy past, you get it, right? will you wait for me?
Dallas: how long?
Alli: for eternity, like our eternal love.
Dallas: oh.
Dallas: hey, you like it when i touch that?
Alli: oh yeah.
Dallas: like it when i touch this button?
Alli: fuck yeah.
Dallas: like it when i slide my stylus hard to the right like this?
Alli: I'M GONNA FUCKING CUM!!!
Dallas: come from where? you're already here. okay, we're at the main screen now...
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Saturday Night Live James Franco / Nicki Minaj Episode Discussion
learned:
* Peter Pan Live: YES YES YES. ever since Walken's legendary performance, i was hoping they'd skewer it this week and they did. the one perk of having a live show, you can do stuff like this spur-of-the-moment when events dictate that you couldn't do with a show taped three months before. long live live South Park! Hader connection, see what i did there? no i won't go home, i'm not drunk, but they should have had Drunk Uncle play Captain Hook, that would have been the tastiest skewer.
* Star Wars: all SNL skits from now on should be filmed in this filmic quality. they have the budget for it, right? just clean house with the cast members again, everyone wants that anyway. have only Wiig and Sudeikis do all the skits, that would save money. no guest hosts, no music, if you want music, listen to the phonograph in the attic. still one more year to go, huh? don't know if my lightsaber can stay erect for that long, it's already skinny to begin with...in mirroring the original '70s lightsabers. a flaccid lightsaber might as well be a slingshot.
* Grow a Guy: YES YES YES. thank you, Show, you finally actually aired one of your good indie-comedy segments that you usually surprise us with dumping it in the cut-for-time section of hulu a week later. liked this one, very sci-fi, existential, slimy, like a Nickelodeon/Sarah Jane Adventures after-school special on how to deal with bullies.
* Pete Davidson's head: a very good place to be. this skit was great because it was what we call in the business "high concept". i love high concept, always do high concept, never do cheap, low-concept skits, Show, always strive for grandeur and complication. the cast members acting as thoughts, memories, feelings of Pete inside his brain was very esoteric, learned, and yes, sci-fi. this is smart comedy at its finest. the skit itself was run-of-the-mill but the concept of it was fantastic, a fantastic voyage.
* Nicki Minaj: like Beyonce at the Super Bowl, this was my first exposure to this artist's actual music instead of knowing her only for "being a celebrity." i have to say, i liked her. there will not be an Iggy butt comparison here, it's about the music after all. her first song was beautifully accompanied by a beautiful woman with beautiful tats who stroked those ivories beautifully. the second song took me back and aback. it was rap at its basic talky roots. it was rather more like Beat poetry than traditional hip-hop with a metered, continuous electronic beat background. it was confessional and raw and didn't seem rehearsed, it seemed organic about her life, i appreciated that.
* Kyle Mooney: so it says here i am to kiss the guest this week. yes! pucker up, Nicki!
Lorne: it's actually gonna be James Franco. host, not musical guest.
Kyle: oh.
Lorne: it's still gonna be fun.
Kyle: yeah, i guess...actually, yeah, the more i think about it, it will be fun...a different kind of fun, but fun.
* who knew depositing soiled trunks in the woods was so hilarious?
* Peter Pan Live: YES YES YES. ever since Walken's legendary performance, i was hoping they'd skewer it this week and they did. the one perk of having a live show, you can do stuff like this spur-of-the-moment when events dictate that you couldn't do with a show taped three months before. long live live South Park! Hader connection, see what i did there? no i won't go home, i'm not drunk, but they should have had Drunk Uncle play Captain Hook, that would have been the tastiest skewer.
* Star Wars: all SNL skits from now on should be filmed in this filmic quality. they have the budget for it, right? just clean house with the cast members again, everyone wants that anyway. have only Wiig and Sudeikis do all the skits, that would save money. no guest hosts, no music, if you want music, listen to the phonograph in the attic. still one more year to go, huh? don't know if my lightsaber can stay erect for that long, it's already skinny to begin with...in mirroring the original '70s lightsabers. a flaccid lightsaber might as well be a slingshot.
* Grow a Guy: YES YES YES. thank you, Show, you finally actually aired one of your good indie-comedy segments that you usually surprise us with dumping it in the cut-for-time section of hulu a week later. liked this one, very sci-fi, existential, slimy, like a Nickelodeon/Sarah Jane Adventures after-school special on how to deal with bullies.
* Pete Davidson's head: a very good place to be. this skit was great because it was what we call in the business "high concept". i love high concept, always do high concept, never do cheap, low-concept skits, Show, always strive for grandeur and complication. the cast members acting as thoughts, memories, feelings of Pete inside his brain was very esoteric, learned, and yes, sci-fi. this is smart comedy at its finest. the skit itself was run-of-the-mill but the concept of it was fantastic, a fantastic voyage.
* Nicki Minaj: like Beyonce at the Super Bowl, this was my first exposure to this artist's actual music instead of knowing her only for "being a celebrity." i have to say, i liked her. there will not be an Iggy butt comparison here, it's about the music after all. her first song was beautifully accompanied by a beautiful woman with beautiful tats who stroked those ivories beautifully. the second song took me back and aback. it was rap at its basic talky roots. it was rather more like Beat poetry than traditional hip-hop with a metered, continuous electronic beat background. it was confessional and raw and didn't seem rehearsed, it seemed organic about her life, i appreciated that.
* Kyle Mooney: so it says here i am to kiss the guest this week. yes! pucker up, Nicki!
Lorne: it's actually gonna be James Franco. host, not musical guest.
Kyle: oh.
Lorne: it's still gonna be fun.
Kyle: yeah, i guess...actually, yeah, the more i think about it, it will be fun...a different kind of fun, but fun.
* who knew depositing soiled trunks in the woods was so hilarious?
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Degrassi "(You Drive Me) Crazy" Episode Discussion
learned:
* there are so many good songs with Crazy in the title. coincidence?
* booty shot of Maya. necessary in furthering the story? gratuitous? coincidence?
* Zoe: you drunk hippo!
Maya: what, what is that?
Zoe: i know it's lame, but i'm not allowed to say fuck and shit like i'd like to.
Maya: we're pretty good, we're lenient, we're Canadian, but we're still not quite British. at least we're not American.
* Grace: what, did you think we get high at noon in the afternoon?
Maya: well this is Degrassi and we are teenagers at Degrassi.
Grace: by the way, do you like the rapid-fire understated way i talk?
Maya: yeah, it's unique. i'm worried about Miles. he's the crazy one, he's the one who jumps every time i dream of him every night for the rest of my life.
Grace: i'm gonna be a pro hacker when i grow up so let's just break into his facebook. there, his password by the way is MAYA LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Maya: omg, it says here that Miles wants to kill himself.
Grace: that's just an expression. well, usually. sorry, I know, sorry, Cam, I mean He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Zig: i think i mastered the White Crane.
Grace: that's racist.
Maya: STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY!!!
Zig: nice, love that movie.
Maya: no, that's gonna be my approach with Miles...
* Hunter: i want to destroy all of the cheerleaders...in my art.
Frankie: and thus the eternally muddy waters of free speech vs. what is considered too dark in art.
Hunter: i thought your naked boobs were hot.
Frankie: what?
Hunter: ...IN MY ART, IN MY ART!!!
* Imogen: i don't want to bed you.
Eli: hear that?
Imogen: no.
Eli: that's the sound of my cappuccino machine, and the sound of a million fanfiction-writers' hearts breaking. you agreed to polyamory?
Imogen: i thought that was the hipster thing to do.
Eli: wanna marathon a tv series with me? my new favorite show is Wild Grinders. there's a character on there, Emo Crys, i really relate to him.
Imogen: please, Trent, come out with a new NIN album soon, our boy needs help.
Eli: polyamory, that's a good song but in real-life practice, polyamory is terrible.
Imogen: i know. i'll call up Jack. Jack? hi. i think the reason you're "polyamorous" is cos you're scared of commitment.
Jack: you're right. wait, so is there really such a thing as polyamory?
Imogen: not in media. i'm not really bisexual and my favorite band is Erasure.
* Maya: Zig, i think i'm crazy.
Zig: i didn't want to say anything until you said it.
Maya: got any more of those romantic midnight lullabies?
Zig: as a member of this show, i'm contractually obligated to sing only Drake.
* there are so many good songs with Crazy in the title. coincidence?
* booty shot of Maya. necessary in furthering the story? gratuitous? coincidence?
* Zoe: you drunk hippo!
Maya: what, what is that?
Zoe: i know it's lame, but i'm not allowed to say fuck and shit like i'd like to.
Maya: we're pretty good, we're lenient, we're Canadian, but we're still not quite British. at least we're not American.
* Grace: what, did you think we get high at noon in the afternoon?
Maya: well this is Degrassi and we are teenagers at Degrassi.
Grace: by the way, do you like the rapid-fire understated way i talk?
Maya: yeah, it's unique. i'm worried about Miles. he's the crazy one, he's the one who jumps every time i dream of him every night for the rest of my life.
Grace: i'm gonna be a pro hacker when i grow up so let's just break into his facebook. there, his password by the way is MAYA LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Maya: omg, it says here that Miles wants to kill himself.
Grace: that's just an expression. well, usually. sorry, I know, sorry, Cam, I mean He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Zig: i think i mastered the White Crane.
Grace: that's racist.
Maya: STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY!!!
Zig: nice, love that movie.
Maya: no, that's gonna be my approach with Miles...
* Hunter: i want to destroy all of the cheerleaders...in my art.
Frankie: and thus the eternally muddy waters of free speech vs. what is considered too dark in art.
Hunter: i thought your naked boobs were hot.
Frankie: what?
Hunter: ...IN MY ART, IN MY ART!!!
* Imogen: i don't want to bed you.
Eli: hear that?
Imogen: no.
Eli: that's the sound of my cappuccino machine, and the sound of a million fanfiction-writers' hearts breaking. you agreed to polyamory?
Imogen: i thought that was the hipster thing to do.
Eli: wanna marathon a tv series with me? my new favorite show is Wild Grinders. there's a character on there, Emo Crys, i really relate to him.
Imogen: please, Trent, come out with a new NIN album soon, our boy needs help.
Eli: polyamory, that's a good song but in real-life practice, polyamory is terrible.
Imogen: i know. i'll call up Jack. Jack? hi. i think the reason you're "polyamorous" is cos you're scared of commitment.
Jack: you're right. wait, so is there really such a thing as polyamory?
Imogen: not in media. i'm not really bisexual and my favorite band is Erasure.
* Maya: Zig, i think i'm crazy.
Zig: i didn't want to say anything until you said it.
Maya: got any more of those romantic midnight lullabies?
Zig: as a member of this show, i'm contractually obligated to sing only Drake.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Goodwill Toward Men" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Joey King: okay, here we go, this is my chance, this is my episode, my stage to shine, holiday special, it's all set up, the story is a cliche switch but i can make it work.
Joey King after the episode: too bad the pacing was disjointed, the angel of death's general presence was awkward, and the gardener's boy didn't seem as interested in me as you'd think. needs more Twilight.
* gardener: my fucking back!
gardener's son: you okay, pop?
gardener: no, but all i can do is pop some pills. you have to learn that this world is cruel, son. all we have is each other, the rich snobs we work for will never help us, they consider us garbage.
son: but we take out the garbage.
gardener: that's not the point. hey, you have any more of those magic white pills from earlier? they fixed me right up real good.
son: the VANQUISH? yeah i know. here you go.
gardener: good but must have more.
son: sorry, all out, i stole them from the rich family we work for.
gardener: good on ya, son, you're learning...but dammit.
* daughter: i invited the gardener's son to have some cookies.
mother: you invited that tramp of a boy to eat your cookie?
daughter: what's the big deal, i let him through the back door.
father: you let that scamp into your back door?
daughter: i'm gonna date him.
brother: what's next, crazy cuckoo bird, are you gonna date that lower-class from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks bad boy? dammit.
* brother: why is this happening to us?
daughter: cos you have a punchable face.
* daughter: why are you doing this to us? we're not bad people, just rich.
angel: have you heard of affluenza?
daughter: you're speaking to me? cool cool. um, no. is it like the flu?
angel: it's worse. your family isn't bad, they're sick, and i am here to cure them.
daughter: cool cool. so can i look up affluenza on the internet somewhere? for research?
angel: nice try, kid, but your ipad is mine now. i had to put the family filter on it before i could search for my cat videos.
* final scene:
daughter: so it turns out i was in the wrong family.
new brother: you were my love interest before, right? i knew there was a reason i wasn't quite into you despite you being hot.
daughter: makes sense.
new brother: also, i'm gay.
daughter: cool cool. and now my wretched brother and clueless father are the gardeners.
new brother: no offense, but your mom was a bitch.
daughter: no, she was just sick. she still has resting bitch face, though.
gardener brother: hello, former sister, merry Christmas.
daughter: merry Christmas.
the daughter punches her ex-brother, the new gardener's son, in the nose.
gardener brother: what was that for?!
daughter: you may have turned over a new leaf, gardener pun, but you still have a punchable face.
* Joey King: okay, here we go, this is my chance, this is my episode, my stage to shine, holiday special, it's all set up, the story is a cliche switch but i can make it work.
Joey King after the episode: too bad the pacing was disjointed, the angel of death's general presence was awkward, and the gardener's boy didn't seem as interested in me as you'd think. needs more Twilight.
* gardener: my fucking back!
gardener's son: you okay, pop?
gardener: no, but all i can do is pop some pills. you have to learn that this world is cruel, son. all we have is each other, the rich snobs we work for will never help us, they consider us garbage.
son: but we take out the garbage.
gardener: that's not the point. hey, you have any more of those magic white pills from earlier? they fixed me right up real good.
son: the VANQUISH? yeah i know. here you go.
gardener: good but must have more.
son: sorry, all out, i stole them from the rich family we work for.
gardener: good on ya, son, you're learning...but dammit.
* daughter: i invited the gardener's son to have some cookies.
mother: you invited that tramp of a boy to eat your cookie?
daughter: what's the big deal, i let him through the back door.
father: you let that scamp into your back door?
daughter: i'm gonna date him.
brother: what's next, crazy cuckoo bird, are you gonna date that lower-class from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks bad boy? dammit.
* brother: why is this happening to us?
daughter: cos you have a punchable face.
* daughter: why are you doing this to us? we're not bad people, just rich.
angel: have you heard of affluenza?
daughter: you're speaking to me? cool cool. um, no. is it like the flu?
angel: it's worse. your family isn't bad, they're sick, and i am here to cure them.
daughter: cool cool. so can i look up affluenza on the internet somewhere? for research?
angel: nice try, kid, but your ipad is mine now. i had to put the family filter on it before i could search for my cat videos.
* final scene:
daughter: so it turns out i was in the wrong family.
new brother: you were my love interest before, right? i knew there was a reason i wasn't quite into you despite you being hot.
daughter: makes sense.
new brother: also, i'm gay.
daughter: cool cool. and now my wretched brother and clueless father are the gardeners.
new brother: no offense, but your mom was a bitch.
daughter: no, she was just sick. she still has resting bitch face, though.
gardener brother: hello, former sister, merry Christmas.
daughter: merry Christmas.
the daughter punches her ex-brother, the new gardener's son, in the nose.
gardener brother: what was that for?!
daughter: you may have turned over a new leaf, gardener pun, but you still have a punchable face.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Degrassi "There's Your Trouble" Episode Discussion
learned:
* the title: i've always hated cars. there's something false about cars and car people and the car world. it's unnatural. humans should fly instead.
* Becky: what? you lied to me? you said i sung well when i didn't? who does that?!
Imogen: friends. it's a paradox.
Becky: i'd slam my locker door shut and storm off in a huff pondering this paradox if i could, but with my leg cast and all, it would just look silly.
* Zoe: i'm helping you. do all of you want to end up old hags regretting when you were young and nubile and could flash your tits to the world?
Frankie: haven't you heard of peaking in high school? and if you call me Francesca one more time i'll give you one of those Eli punches to the nose. it'll be worse than Marcia and the football.
* Grace: stop being a bitch.
Zoe: no one wants that more than me. that would have made sense. i should have been permanently mellowed after my horrific experiences and become a mouse, marry Zig, and start wearing padded blouses and pantsuits, but the writers decided for an uncomfortable, forced return to the status quo instead.
Grace: pantsuits? so you wanna be like that destined-to-be, can't-lose, shoo-in first Female President?
Zoe: of Degrassi?
* Clare: i feel barfy and hungry at the same time: bungry.
Eli: that's disgusting but you're still cute to me so i'll laugh nervously.
Clare: okay, harfy. you don't have to be fake with me, Eli, be yourself. what are you truly feeling at this moment?
Eli: i used to be hangry, as in hungry and angry, but i lost my appetite imagining bungry. now i'm just angry. you'll see what i do about this later.
* Becky: my life sucks cos of you.
brother: are you sure it's not cos of that forced smile you wear?
Becky: hey, i had to do something to distract from that horrid yellow i wore all the time. when am i gonna be let out of this oppressive Christian stereotype?
brother: YOU'RE the one who wants to be let out?!
Becky: at least that orange looks good on you. it's the new black.
* Shane Motherfucking Kippel: kids. i'm awesome cos of that line.
Eli: oh hi, Shane! so you were on the show when it was still good.
Shane: bingo.
Eli: where's your wife?
Shane: Emma? she's on another show.
Eli: where's your best friend?
Shane: Jimmy? haven't you heard? y'know, Drake?
Eli: is that some ultra-obscure rap lyric new meme word that i'm supposed to know the definition of?
Shane: no, it's Isaiah from The Bible.
Eli: Drake & Josh?
Shane: nice, keeping it in the Nick family.
* Eli punches Drew.
Clare: what the fuck.
Eli: i realized something. i'm not angry at Drew, i'm angry at you, Clare!
Clare: keep going.
Eli: okay, i'm really angry at myself.
Clare: that's more emo than goth.
* Becky: i'm gonna be okay.
me: this is a ripoff of the ending to Cassie's Skins Pure. props for ripping off quality material, though.
* the title: i've always hated cars. there's something false about cars and car people and the car world. it's unnatural. humans should fly instead.
* Becky: what? you lied to me? you said i sung well when i didn't? who does that?!
Imogen: friends. it's a paradox.
Becky: i'd slam my locker door shut and storm off in a huff pondering this paradox if i could, but with my leg cast and all, it would just look silly.
* Zoe: i'm helping you. do all of you want to end up old hags regretting when you were young and nubile and could flash your tits to the world?
Frankie: haven't you heard of peaking in high school? and if you call me Francesca one more time i'll give you one of those Eli punches to the nose. it'll be worse than Marcia and the football.
* Grace: stop being a bitch.
Zoe: no one wants that more than me. that would have made sense. i should have been permanently mellowed after my horrific experiences and become a mouse, marry Zig, and start wearing padded blouses and pantsuits, but the writers decided for an uncomfortable, forced return to the status quo instead.
Grace: pantsuits? so you wanna be like that destined-to-be, can't-lose, shoo-in first Female President?
Zoe: of Degrassi?
* Clare: i feel barfy and hungry at the same time: bungry.
Eli: that's disgusting but you're still cute to me so i'll laugh nervously.
Clare: okay, harfy. you don't have to be fake with me, Eli, be yourself. what are you truly feeling at this moment?
Eli: i used to be hangry, as in hungry and angry, but i lost my appetite imagining bungry. now i'm just angry. you'll see what i do about this later.
* Becky: my life sucks cos of you.
brother: are you sure it's not cos of that forced smile you wear?
Becky: hey, i had to do something to distract from that horrid yellow i wore all the time. when am i gonna be let out of this oppressive Christian stereotype?
brother: YOU'RE the one who wants to be let out?!
Becky: at least that orange looks good on you. it's the new black.
* Shane Motherfucking Kippel: kids. i'm awesome cos of that line.
Eli: oh hi, Shane! so you were on the show when it was still good.
Shane: bingo.
Eli: where's your wife?
Shane: Emma? she's on another show.
Eli: where's your best friend?
Shane: Jimmy? haven't you heard? y'know, Drake?
Eli: is that some ultra-obscure rap lyric new meme word that i'm supposed to know the definition of?
Shane: no, it's Isaiah from The Bible.
Eli: Drake & Josh?
Shane: nice, keeping it in the Nick family.
* Eli punches Drew.
Clare: what the fuck.
Eli: i realized something. i'm not angry at Drew, i'm angry at you, Clare!
Clare: keep going.
Eli: okay, i'm really angry at myself.
Clare: that's more emo than goth.
* Becky: i'm gonna be okay.
me: this is a ripoff of the ending to Cassie's Skins Pure. props for ripping off quality material, though.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Saturday Night Live Cameron Diaz / Bruno Mars / Mark Ronson Episode Discussion
learned:
* Executive Order: that was the first SNL political skit that got my juices flowing since.....ever. i hate politics. i still do, but that was a real shot at government's shoulder done with an unassailable fist: Schoolhouse Motherfucking Rock! poor Obama, he MUST be doing something wrong when even SNL doesn't care anymore.
* Back-Home Ballers: as a male version of this, i would welcome any of these ladies home with an awkward conversation and a bowl to smoke.
* High School Theatre Show: this made me chuckle nervously cos i really want to be part of an inscrutable indie-theatre company someday. when the audience cringes, i know i have done my job...
* Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson. or rather, the reverse: first of all: energy for days, like Woody Harrelson energy after Woody finds out pot is legal. second of all, Bruno was willing to take a back seat to Mark's ax-grinding and Mystikal's frenetic flourishing. that's rare. i mean, Bruno was truly one of the guys here, a team player, he didn't have a solo showcase, he was the headless headliner, not Chuck E. Cheese but rather one of the Pizza Time Players.
* Dr. Dave and Buggles: my body tells me whether something is funny when it laughs despite itself. that's what happened here. look out for the cute ones, i'm tending to an adorable new baby kitten at my house so i feel the good doctor. that's the signpost up ahead! your next stop: the sign has a penis thrown at it.
* Night Murmurs: let me see if i can help: Pepsi is sweeter than Coke, it's slightly more disgusting to swallow down on a hot day, your stomach is trying to reject all that fizz and sugar and shit but it's a hot day so it eventually has to go with it. you feel slightly more discouraged at yourself when you plop that six-pack of blue cans of Pepsi on the grocery counter than the bright red cheery cans of Coke. your mood matches those blue cans.
* can we talk about the two skits cut for time on last week's show, Tweet and the Pentagon Robot? i really enjoyed Tweet and liked Robot. Tweet was a nice destruction of tweeters' sense of importance, and the lonely scientist who builds a hot female companion is straight out of Twilight Zone. once again SNL decides to leave out its best material. rule of thumb going forward: everything you cut comes back to cut you.
* was i seeing things late at night or did one of the bumpers have Cameron Diaz fucking a Thanksgiving turkey and the two of them smoking about it afterwards? this will replace our family tradition of taking a tryptophan nap after the meal from now on...
* Executive Order: that was the first SNL political skit that got my juices flowing since.....ever. i hate politics. i still do, but that was a real shot at government's shoulder done with an unassailable fist: Schoolhouse Motherfucking Rock! poor Obama, he MUST be doing something wrong when even SNL doesn't care anymore.
* Back-Home Ballers: as a male version of this, i would welcome any of these ladies home with an awkward conversation and a bowl to smoke.
* High School Theatre Show: this made me chuckle nervously cos i really want to be part of an inscrutable indie-theatre company someday. when the audience cringes, i know i have done my job...
* Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson. or rather, the reverse: first of all: energy for days, like Woody Harrelson energy after Woody finds out pot is legal. second of all, Bruno was willing to take a back seat to Mark's ax-grinding and Mystikal's frenetic flourishing. that's rare. i mean, Bruno was truly one of the guys here, a team player, he didn't have a solo showcase, he was the headless headliner, not Chuck E. Cheese but rather one of the Pizza Time Players.
* Dr. Dave and Buggles: my body tells me whether something is funny when it laughs despite itself. that's what happened here. look out for the cute ones, i'm tending to an adorable new baby kitten at my house so i feel the good doctor. that's the signpost up ahead! your next stop: the sign has a penis thrown at it.
* Night Murmurs: let me see if i can help: Pepsi is sweeter than Coke, it's slightly more disgusting to swallow down on a hot day, your stomach is trying to reject all that fizz and sugar and shit but it's a hot day so it eventually has to go with it. you feel slightly more discouraged at yourself when you plop that six-pack of blue cans of Pepsi on the grocery counter than the bright red cheery cans of Coke. your mood matches those blue cans.
* can we talk about the two skits cut for time on last week's show, Tweet and the Pentagon Robot? i really enjoyed Tweet and liked Robot. Tweet was a nice destruction of tweeters' sense of importance, and the lonely scientist who builds a hot female companion is straight out of Twilight Zone. once again SNL decides to leave out its best material. rule of thumb going forward: everything you cut comes back to cut you.
* was i seeing things late at night or did one of the bumpers have Cameron Diaz fucking a Thanksgiving turkey and the two of them smoking about it afterwards? this will replace our family tradition of taking a tryptophan nap after the meal from now on...
Saturday, November 22, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Spores" Episode Discussion
learned:
* family: get out of the car!
boy: no!
dad: we are going on this family camping outing if it kills us!
boy: it will. i have a better chance of surviving driving this car alone home even though i've never driven before than you guys have of getting out of this episode human.
brother: go on, it's just like those driving video games you love, you'll be fine.
* creepy guide: follow the rules, they're rules for a reason. lost a couple hikers round here awhile back, but i'm sure they'll turn up, hehehe.
boy: so he's not creepy to you?
sister: no, he's got that Matthew McConaughey thing goin' on, he's hot.
boy: winning that Oscar has really changed everything.
* twin sister: what am i thinking of now?
twin brother: ponies?
twin sister: yes!
twin brother: what am i thinking of now?
twin sister: basketball?
twin brother: no, ponies.
boy: ha! twin ESP my ass. i did the DNA, though, and unfortunately i am related to you two dweebs.
twin sister: now i don't want to be related to either of you.
* mom: this is your trip, our youngest doesn't want to be here, the least you could do is not be rude.
dad: we are going to be a family, a family of spore-spreading tree people if need be. i did the DNA, the youngest one isn't mine.
mom: i want a divorce.
dad: if it wasn't for me, everyone would be off doing their own thing. the youngest would be driving, the girl here would be on a pony, the boy would be ballin'...
brother: it's true, everypony would be doing something different.
mom: what is that i smell? did you fart?
dad: no i didn't fart, there wasn't time for me to eat, we're on a schedule, remember?
* sister: a walking tree? this isn't The Lord of the Rings.
boy: it's better, it's real life!!! this explains everything: why i'm so short, why i've always felt so apart from my family, i'm not human like you, i'm a hobbit.
brother: check your feet, are they hairy?
boy: yes they are!
sister: no they're not, they're just dirty, when was the last time you washed your feet?
boy: you two hog the bathroom all the time so i gave up washing. i was waiting to join a group of twelve men when i got older for that stuff...
* i liked the video game better.
* family: get out of the car!
boy: no!
dad: we are going on this family camping outing if it kills us!
boy: it will. i have a better chance of surviving driving this car alone home even though i've never driven before than you guys have of getting out of this episode human.
brother: go on, it's just like those driving video games you love, you'll be fine.
* creepy guide: follow the rules, they're rules for a reason. lost a couple hikers round here awhile back, but i'm sure they'll turn up, hehehe.
boy: so he's not creepy to you?
sister: no, he's got that Matthew McConaughey thing goin' on, he's hot.
boy: winning that Oscar has really changed everything.
* twin sister: what am i thinking of now?
twin brother: ponies?
twin sister: yes!
twin brother: what am i thinking of now?
twin sister: basketball?
twin brother: no, ponies.
boy: ha! twin ESP my ass. i did the DNA, though, and unfortunately i am related to you two dweebs.
twin sister: now i don't want to be related to either of you.
* mom: this is your trip, our youngest doesn't want to be here, the least you could do is not be rude.
dad: we are going to be a family, a family of spore-spreading tree people if need be. i did the DNA, the youngest one isn't mine.
mom: i want a divorce.
dad: if it wasn't for me, everyone would be off doing their own thing. the youngest would be driving, the girl here would be on a pony, the boy would be ballin'...
brother: it's true, everypony would be doing something different.
mom: what is that i smell? did you fart?
dad: no i didn't fart, there wasn't time for me to eat, we're on a schedule, remember?
* sister: a walking tree? this isn't The Lord of the Rings.
boy: it's better, it's real life!!! this explains everything: why i'm so short, why i've always felt so apart from my family, i'm not human like you, i'm a hobbit.
brother: check your feet, are they hairy?
boy: yes they are!
sister: no they're not, they're just dirty, when was the last time you washed your feet?
boy: you two hog the bathroom all the time so i gave up washing. i was waiting to join a group of twelve men when i got older for that stuff...
* i liked the video game better.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Spousal Privilege" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Liv: Fin, what are you looking at?
Fin: porn.
Liv: is it for a case?
Fin: no, but i wasn't looking for porn, i just clicked the wrong pop-up ad and it sent me here.
Liv: sadly, in this day and age, i believe you.
* Amaro punches the wall of the police station and brings the entire building down.
Liv: what happened, Nick?
Amaro: nothing, just a scratch on my knuckle, i'll be okay.
Liv: i didn't ask what happened to you, i asked what happened?
Amaro: oh, the building came down.
* player's son: i want to be just like you, daddy!
player: boy, stop talking, nobody's talking to you. haven't you heard the saying that children should be seen and not heard?
son: what?
player: haven't you heard that?
son: i have stopped talking forever.
* at the bar:
Rollins: what's the matter, Nick? don't like a pushy woman? (she pushes him) gonna fight? you wouldn't hit a girl, would you?
Amaro: go home, Amanda, you're drunk.
Rollins: not until we have our rough foreplay right here at this barroom.
Amaro puts on chapless pants and dances on the bar countertop.
* Fin: Amanda, there are two simple rules you must follow to last here: one, never take the work home with you.
Rollins: already violated that one, i had some homework i had to do on a case so i did it at home.
Fin: and two: never take anyone from work home with you. can i stay with you at your place for a bit? my apartment's getting remodeled.
* wife: you ruined my life. i hope you're satisfied.
Liv: we saved your life. now you are free and can go out and make friends apart from your husband. can i be your friend?
wife: what?!
Liv: yeah, for some reason i don't have a lot of girl friends.
* Liv: Fin, what are you looking at?
Fin: porn.
Liv: is it for a case?
Fin: no, but i wasn't looking for porn, i just clicked the wrong pop-up ad and it sent me here.
Liv: sadly, in this day and age, i believe you.
* Amaro punches the wall of the police station and brings the entire building down.
Liv: what happened, Nick?
Amaro: nothing, just a scratch on my knuckle, i'll be okay.
Liv: i didn't ask what happened to you, i asked what happened?
Amaro: oh, the building came down.
* player's son: i want to be just like you, daddy!
player: boy, stop talking, nobody's talking to you. haven't you heard the saying that children should be seen and not heard?
son: what?
player: haven't you heard that?
son: i have stopped talking forever.
* at the bar:
Rollins: what's the matter, Nick? don't like a pushy woman? (she pushes him) gonna fight? you wouldn't hit a girl, would you?
Amaro: go home, Amanda, you're drunk.
Rollins: not until we have our rough foreplay right here at this barroom.
Amaro puts on chapless pants and dances on the bar countertop.
* Fin: Amanda, there are two simple rules you must follow to last here: one, never take the work home with you.
Rollins: already violated that one, i had some homework i had to do on a case so i did it at home.
Fin: and two: never take anyone from work home with you. can i stay with you at your place for a bit? my apartment's getting remodeled.
* wife: you ruined my life. i hope you're satisfied.
Liv: we saved your life. now you are free and can go out and make friends apart from your husband. can i be your friend?
wife: what?!
Liv: yeah, for some reason i don't have a lot of girl friends.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Degrassi "Can't Stop This Thing We Started"
learned:
* Alli: you haven't told Eli? you haven't told your mom?
Clare: girl, i told Drew but he forgot.
* Grace: face it, Zig, i'm the tough guy in the group.
Zig: this can't be, i'm the man of this clique, i work out instead of doing my homework, look at my muscles.
Grace: i see them, we see them, we can't not see them, for Christmas i'm getting you a long-sleeved ugly sweater.
Zig: how do i get unemasculated?
Grace: there's only one way: homemade tat.
Zig: i'm in, ink that sucker right on my left bulging bicep there.
Grace: well you're dumb like a guy. this is tough.
Zig: yeah i am.
Grace: no, it's tough determining if you're tough. on the one hand it's a pony tat, but it is a tat just the same.
* Winston: oh my god i am so angry.
Zoe: really? this is your angry mode?
Winston: oh i'm angry, i just can't get my voice to really rise in level, but i'm steaming.
Zoe: start a conversation by telling Miles his sweater is ugly.
Winston: no, that won't work, it's meant to be ugly, it's an ironically ugly Christmas sweater.
* Audra: the bitch is back!
Clare: how dare you!
Audra: no, i meant me. i'm back to speaking my mind and not giving a fuck. so you plan to smuggle this baby out of the country?
Clare: um, well, i guess. i can still be with Eli.
Audra: who the fuck is Eli?
Clare's mom: you're not a fan of the show, are you. Eli is everyone's favorite goth.
Audra: when i'm not in the shot, i stay in the Black Hole. fabulous beaches there.
Clare's mom: i know, right?
Audra: i hate those whiny emo kids who have lived two seconds and think they know what depression is. i eat emos for breakfast and wash them down with perfume. i'm a kick-ass broad who shoots first and asks questions never. take no prisoners!
Clare's mom: i am so attracted to you right now.
Audra and Clare's mom kiss. Clare shows her shocked face. Drew stays motionless and does nothing as usual.
* Eli: this is so depressing. you had sex with Drew?
Clare: no, i'm getting my baby from a stork.
Eli: it's the Vlasic Stork, isn't it? i always hated that guy.
Clare: i'm getting my first Vlasic pickle craving...
* Alli: you haven't told Eli? you haven't told your mom?
Clare: girl, i told Drew but he forgot.
* Grace: face it, Zig, i'm the tough guy in the group.
Zig: this can't be, i'm the man of this clique, i work out instead of doing my homework, look at my muscles.
Grace: i see them, we see them, we can't not see them, for Christmas i'm getting you a long-sleeved ugly sweater.
Zig: how do i get unemasculated?
Grace: there's only one way: homemade tat.
Zig: i'm in, ink that sucker right on my left bulging bicep there.
Grace: well you're dumb like a guy. this is tough.
Zig: yeah i am.
Grace: no, it's tough determining if you're tough. on the one hand it's a pony tat, but it is a tat just the same.
* Winston: oh my god i am so angry.
Zoe: really? this is your angry mode?
Winston: oh i'm angry, i just can't get my voice to really rise in level, but i'm steaming.
Zoe: start a conversation by telling Miles his sweater is ugly.
Winston: no, that won't work, it's meant to be ugly, it's an ironically ugly Christmas sweater.
* Audra: the bitch is back!
Clare: how dare you!
Audra: no, i meant me. i'm back to speaking my mind and not giving a fuck. so you plan to smuggle this baby out of the country?
Clare: um, well, i guess. i can still be with Eli.
Audra: who the fuck is Eli?
Clare's mom: you're not a fan of the show, are you. Eli is everyone's favorite goth.
Audra: when i'm not in the shot, i stay in the Black Hole. fabulous beaches there.
Clare's mom: i know, right?
Audra: i hate those whiny emo kids who have lived two seconds and think they know what depression is. i eat emos for breakfast and wash them down with perfume. i'm a kick-ass broad who shoots first and asks questions never. take no prisoners!
Clare's mom: i am so attracted to you right now.
Audra and Clare's mom kiss. Clare shows her shocked face. Drew stays motionless and does nothing as usual.
* Eli: this is so depressing. you had sex with Drew?
Clare: no, i'm getting my baby from a stork.
Eli: it's the Vlasic Stork, isn't it? i always hated that guy.
Clare: i'm getting my first Vlasic pickle craving...
Monday, November 17, 2014
Saturday Night Live Woody Harrelson / Kendrick Lamar Episode Discussion
learned:
* Congress will never get anything done, this term or the next, NEVER, we're just gonna have a President from one party and a Congress from the other party forever. alcohol isn't a social lubricant anymore, it's a necessity.
* can i please go back to 1989 and the absolute crotch-firing excitement that boiled over in the playground when that Tim Burton Batman film came out? back before social media destroyed what was left of the world. when instead of finding out about such things from a spam email, i spotted the glorious Batman symbol on a bus stop, that's how i found out, no words on the movie poster, no indication of what it was for or when it would open, simply the Batman symbol on a black background, that's it, that's all that was needed. stark. strong. *sigh*. oh, and if Woody Harrelson was high tonight, Jennifer Lawrence was the kite he was flying.
* the Dudleys: thank you, a skit for all the anonymous messageboarders out there. if you take this skit to its logical conclusion, you find that creating art FOR someone else is not art, it's product. art was never meant to be consumed and commandeered by fans, it was meant to be something done alone for oneself that maybe sometimes happens to get out there to others. whether said others like it or not is irrelevant. the one person you should always piss off the most with your art is yourself.
* Match'd: war memorial is the new hot club. cue Stefon.
* Old New York:
Woody: remember when the crack was better?
the other three at the bar: no.
Woody: neither do i. that's how i know it was better.
* Kendrick Lamar: is crazy. the best musicians are crazy. the best music is crazy. the only sane musician who ever lived is Taylor Swift but she doesn't count.
* goodnights:
Woody: um, excuse me J Law, i'm trying to talk here.
J Law: sorry, i was talking.
Woody: you've been in the clouds recently.
J Law: please don't remind me of the Fappening.
* Congress will never get anything done, this term or the next, NEVER, we're just gonna have a President from one party and a Congress from the other party forever. alcohol isn't a social lubricant anymore, it's a necessity.
* can i please go back to 1989 and the absolute crotch-firing excitement that boiled over in the playground when that Tim Burton Batman film came out? back before social media destroyed what was left of the world. when instead of finding out about such things from a spam email, i spotted the glorious Batman symbol on a bus stop, that's how i found out, no words on the movie poster, no indication of what it was for or when it would open, simply the Batman symbol on a black background, that's it, that's all that was needed. stark. strong. *sigh*. oh, and if Woody Harrelson was high tonight, Jennifer Lawrence was the kite he was flying.
* the Dudleys: thank you, a skit for all the anonymous messageboarders out there. if you take this skit to its logical conclusion, you find that creating art FOR someone else is not art, it's product. art was never meant to be consumed and commandeered by fans, it was meant to be something done alone for oneself that maybe sometimes happens to get out there to others. whether said others like it or not is irrelevant. the one person you should always piss off the most with your art is yourself.
* Match'd: war memorial is the new hot club. cue Stefon.
* Old New York:
Woody: remember when the crack was better?
the other three at the bar: no.
Woody: neither do i. that's how i know it was better.
* Kendrick Lamar: is crazy. the best musicians are crazy. the best music is crazy. the only sane musician who ever lived is Taylor Swift but she doesn't count.
* goodnights:
Woody: um, excuse me J Law, i'm trying to talk here.
J Law: sorry, i was talking.
Woody: you've been in the clouds recently.
J Law: please don't remind me of the Fappening.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Lotsa Luck" Episode Discussion
learned:
* boy: okay, i'm in the first scene, you see me? i must be the main kid of this story. now will i be the stud or the jock? *slips, trips, and falls* there you go, telltale sign, i'm the hapless loser of this tale.
* mom: want some pizza?
boy: is that an Irish delicacy?
mom: don't be rude to your mother.
boy: sorry, i had a bad day. the girl i like thinks i'm a dweeb.
mom: you are a dweeb, you come from a long line of dweebs, that's the leprechaun's curse.
boy: um, mom, i'm sorry i have to ask, but ever since you and your accent came to parent-teacher night, the other kids at school have been teasing me. so...are you?
mom: yes, i'm Merida. it was based on my childhood.
* dad: i'm home. how's my favorite family? *kisses wife*
mom: *kisses husband* we better be your only family.
dad: you're not.
mom: oh. but you would never do us like that intentionally. must be the leprechaun's curse.
dad: um...yeah.
* boy: holy fuck! you aren't the kind of cute leprechauns i read about in fairy tales.
leprechaun: i'm a REAL leprechaun, boy! i'm freaky, creepy, and hairy and scary, i take your soul! stop reading books, they're rotting your brain, watch television to learn the truth o' life.
* boy: okay so the Neverending Story book said something about three wishes.
leprechaun: okay, before we start, i must trot out the tropes and get them out of the way, i want this story to be different for once. so no asking for more wishes, no asking to be lucky, and no asking at the end of it to wish that all of it never happened.
boy: gotcha. i won't ask to be lucky, i already got lucky last night.
leprechaun high-fives the boy.
* Great Gramps to leprechaun: spare my life, i need to live, take my first male descendant instead.
boy: hold up, hold up, hold up, are you kidding me? why was Great Gramps such a bastard? i mean he actually put a curse on me before i was even born, never giving me a chance, dooming me from the start? why was he so special and i'm not?
mom and dad: son, i know this seems cruel, but it simply has to be this way. Great Gramps must never be erased from the timestream, he did something which has benefited the entire world for half a century: Great Gramps invented Lucky Charms cereal.
* boy: okay, i'm in the first scene, you see me? i must be the main kid of this story. now will i be the stud or the jock? *slips, trips, and falls* there you go, telltale sign, i'm the hapless loser of this tale.
* mom: want some pizza?
boy: is that an Irish delicacy?
mom: don't be rude to your mother.
boy: sorry, i had a bad day. the girl i like thinks i'm a dweeb.
mom: you are a dweeb, you come from a long line of dweebs, that's the leprechaun's curse.
boy: um, mom, i'm sorry i have to ask, but ever since you and your accent came to parent-teacher night, the other kids at school have been teasing me. so...are you?
mom: yes, i'm Merida. it was based on my childhood.
* dad: i'm home. how's my favorite family? *kisses wife*
mom: *kisses husband* we better be your only family.
dad: you're not.
mom: oh. but you would never do us like that intentionally. must be the leprechaun's curse.
dad: um...yeah.
* boy: holy fuck! you aren't the kind of cute leprechauns i read about in fairy tales.
leprechaun: i'm a REAL leprechaun, boy! i'm freaky, creepy, and hairy and scary, i take your soul! stop reading books, they're rotting your brain, watch television to learn the truth o' life.
* boy: okay so the Neverending Story book said something about three wishes.
leprechaun: okay, before we start, i must trot out the tropes and get them out of the way, i want this story to be different for once. so no asking for more wishes, no asking to be lucky, and no asking at the end of it to wish that all of it never happened.
boy: gotcha. i won't ask to be lucky, i already got lucky last night.
leprechaun high-fives the boy.
* Great Gramps to leprechaun: spare my life, i need to live, take my first male descendant instead.
boy: hold up, hold up, hold up, are you kidding me? why was Great Gramps such a bastard? i mean he actually put a curse on me before i was even born, never giving me a chance, dooming me from the start? why was he so special and i'm not?
mom and dad: son, i know this seems cruel, but it simply has to be this way. Great Gramps must never be erased from the timestream, he did something which has benefited the entire world for half a century: Great Gramps invented Lucky Charms cereal.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Chicago Crossover" Episode Discussion
learned:
* that's gotta be the most uninspired title for an episode ever.
* Amaro: are you ready for this? this place is a rough scene.
Rollins: you should see my bedroom.
* hot young female cop: Liv, i need your help.
Liv: wait, who are you? what is this?
hot young female cop: another FREAKIN' crossover.
LIv: oh man i hate these. i don't like the other shows this one crosses over with, it's as if they're baiting the public into watching other shows they don't want to just to complete the story.
hot young female cop: so, about my brother...
Liv: sorry, i don't care about your story, it's not really our story, it's yours. plus, i already have Rollins, don't need another hot young female cop showing me up.
* Voight: you can't reason with scumbags, Olivia, if you want the info you have to kill them.
Liv: first of all: impossible. second of all: my jurisdiction, my rules. third of all: i don't know if this is just this character, but you're not really that great an actor. fourthly and finally: you're just a Stabler replacement but no one can EVER replace Elliot, man! come on! everyone knows that, i still haven't recovered from his off-screened exit...i mean, come on, he should have at least gotten a proper exit...i'm spinning my wheels alone here...the ONLY hope for this show is if my Elliot comes back, the fans are leaving in droves...okay, compromise: on the series finale, Elliot MUST come back, he simply must, i'll take anything, one scene, one small cameo.
Voight: the perp's dead. i killed him.
Liv: what happens in the box stays in the box.
Voight: let's go to Vegas.
* Liv: Carisi, where the hell have you been this entire time? we needed you.
Carisi: that bugger Amaro intentionally gave me wrong directions to the pizza place, i got lost. Amaro said we were gonna have a surprise pizza party for you this afternoon.
Liv (shakes head): no, Carisi, no, no, no, no, no, no pizza party.
Carisi: come on, chief, it's pepperoni, your favorite...
Liv: my favorite is extra cheese.
* that's gotta be the most uninspired title for an episode ever.
* Amaro: are you ready for this? this place is a rough scene.
Rollins: you should see my bedroom.
* hot young female cop: Liv, i need your help.
Liv: wait, who are you? what is this?
hot young female cop: another FREAKIN' crossover.
LIv: oh man i hate these. i don't like the other shows this one crosses over with, it's as if they're baiting the public into watching other shows they don't want to just to complete the story.
hot young female cop: so, about my brother...
Liv: sorry, i don't care about your story, it's not really our story, it's yours. plus, i already have Rollins, don't need another hot young female cop showing me up.
* Voight: you can't reason with scumbags, Olivia, if you want the info you have to kill them.
Liv: first of all: impossible. second of all: my jurisdiction, my rules. third of all: i don't know if this is just this character, but you're not really that great an actor. fourthly and finally: you're just a Stabler replacement but no one can EVER replace Elliot, man! come on! everyone knows that, i still haven't recovered from his off-screened exit...i mean, come on, he should have at least gotten a proper exit...i'm spinning my wheels alone here...the ONLY hope for this show is if my Elliot comes back, the fans are leaving in droves...okay, compromise: on the series finale, Elliot MUST come back, he simply must, i'll take anything, one scene, one small cameo.
Voight: the perp's dead. i killed him.
Liv: what happens in the box stays in the box.
Voight: let's go to Vegas.
* Liv: Carisi, where the hell have you been this entire time? we needed you.
Carisi: that bugger Amaro intentionally gave me wrong directions to the pizza place, i got lost. Amaro said we were gonna have a surprise pizza party for you this afternoon.
Liv (shakes head): no, Carisi, no, no, no, no, no, no pizza party.
Carisi: come on, chief, it's pepperoni, your favorite...
Liv: my favorite is extra cheese.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Degrassi "If You Could Only See" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Frankie: mom, i'm 14 years old, i'm a grown woman, i can do whatever i want.
Frankie's mom: girl, i have a training bra that's older than you...and i want you to wear that very training bra now...
* Zoe: if we have to tits or get the fuck out, let's at least make money.
Frankie: so you're making us whores now?
Zoe: no, just balancing the scales. guys are more studly the more they hook up, girls can only be two things: a goodie-two-shoes who bakes cupcakes or a slut.
Frankie: hey, i'm a feminist and everything, but how bout we just bake cupcakes and sell them instead.
Zoe: remember, girls, no faces, no identifying backdrops...
pink-haired girl: ...but everywhere on the Degrassi campus is a landmark, this is a popular show!
* Becky: so you're the guy the internet sent me? no offense, but you are terrible.
Becky's date: yeah, sorry about my dull personality. that's the internet for you. there really is no such thing as a 100% perfect match, that was a computer glitch. i have absolutely no flaws whatsoever.
Becky: then why go online to find a date?
Becky's date: i was getting tired of ending my evenings naked on a swivel chair with a filled sock.
* Maya's mom: what's wrong, honey?
Maya: i had a nightmare about Miles. he was threatening to jump one storey the way Cam did before his suicide.
mom: who's Cam? the entire city has forgotten he ever lived and has quickly moved on. anyway, have you talked to Miles about it?
Maya: yeah, but he clams up.
mom: maybe he's scared to talk.
Maya: Miles, why are you scared to talk to me?
Miles: cos you're annoying. let me make this perfectly clear: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! and by Britney i mean me.
Maya: understood. so do you want to go out to dinner with me?
Miles: what is wrong with you? are you dumb?
Maya: no, just hungry.
* Frankie: this is so unfair, Mom! Miles gets away with murder!
Frankie's mom: he hasn't murdered anyone lately. besides, he confessed to the priest so all is forgiven. speaking of, i'm considering sending you to a nunnery.
Frankie: very funny, mom.
mom: no, seriously, the nuns whipped me into shape. i'm still a nun now.
Hunter: what? but how? you had us!
mom: you're adopted, but don't tell your father, he's in the middle of a big campaign.
Frankie: Hunter, you look at boobs on your phone?
Hunter: yes, i'm a guy and a nerd.
Frankie: have you seen my boobs?
Hunter: probably, but i didn't know they were yours. now if i had looked at your boobs knowing that they were yours, that would have been something to write an episode about...
* Frankie: mom, i'm 14 years old, i'm a grown woman, i can do whatever i want.
Frankie's mom: girl, i have a training bra that's older than you...and i want you to wear that very training bra now...
* Zoe: if we have to tits or get the fuck out, let's at least make money.
Frankie: so you're making us whores now?
Zoe: no, just balancing the scales. guys are more studly the more they hook up, girls can only be two things: a goodie-two-shoes who bakes cupcakes or a slut.
Frankie: hey, i'm a feminist and everything, but how bout we just bake cupcakes and sell them instead.
Zoe: remember, girls, no faces, no identifying backdrops...
pink-haired girl: ...but everywhere on the Degrassi campus is a landmark, this is a popular show!
* Becky: so you're the guy the internet sent me? no offense, but you are terrible.
Becky's date: yeah, sorry about my dull personality. that's the internet for you. there really is no such thing as a 100% perfect match, that was a computer glitch. i have absolutely no flaws whatsoever.
Becky: then why go online to find a date?
Becky's date: i was getting tired of ending my evenings naked on a swivel chair with a filled sock.
* Maya's mom: what's wrong, honey?
Maya: i had a nightmare about Miles. he was threatening to jump one storey the way Cam did before his suicide.
mom: who's Cam? the entire city has forgotten he ever lived and has quickly moved on. anyway, have you talked to Miles about it?
Maya: yeah, but he clams up.
mom: maybe he's scared to talk.
Maya: Miles, why are you scared to talk to me?
Miles: cos you're annoying. let me make this perfectly clear: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! and by Britney i mean me.
Maya: understood. so do you want to go out to dinner with me?
Miles: what is wrong with you? are you dumb?
Maya: no, just hungry.
* Frankie: this is so unfair, Mom! Miles gets away with murder!
Frankie's mom: he hasn't murdered anyone lately. besides, he confessed to the priest so all is forgiven. speaking of, i'm considering sending you to a nunnery.
Frankie: very funny, mom.
mom: no, seriously, the nuns whipped me into shape. i'm still a nun now.
Hunter: what? but how? you had us!
mom: you're adopted, but don't tell your father, he's in the middle of a big campaign.
Frankie: Hunter, you look at boobs on your phone?
Hunter: yes, i'm a guy and a nerd.
Frankie: have you seen my boobs?
Hunter: probably, but i didn't know they were yours. now if i had looked at your boobs knowing that they were yours, that would have been something to write an episode about...
Saturday, November 8, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Argh V" Episode Discussion
learned:
* best title to date.
* parents: homework? that's not what life's about, life's about having fun.
girl: why did i have to get stuck with cool parents?
father: trigonometry doesn't matter, the only triangles i use are slices of pizza and cake.
mother: school is a waste of time, why stay in one cramped room for eight hours? you need to breathe, stretch, and relax in the open wild. nature is the best classroom. be like that kid from that movie who shunned civilization and lived in the wilderness until he died from eating bad berries.
* father: our daughter worries too much, i don't know where she gets that from.
mother: i know, it's certainly not from me.
father: it's not from me. wait, the girl is mine, right?
mother: well i was a '60s wild child.
father: i'm calling Maury.
* male friend: so your parents are hippies?
girl: pretty much.
friend: that's cool. i wish my parents were lenient free spirits. my dad's a drunk and my mom went crazy. hey, you want to make out in that ice-cream truck?
girl: that's the RV my parents got. i don't think it's a good idea.
friend: why, your parents are against interracial couples?
girl: no, it's just i have a lot on my plate right now, what with the trig test and the fact that i may be crazy.
friend: i see. um, you're cute and everything but i can't be with someone who reminds me of mom, y'know?
* male friend: take a look at this brochure. apparently the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family took this exact RV on a family vacation never to return. it was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime.
girl: instead it turned into the trip of a deathtime.
a strange family approaches the RV.
mother: hello, who the hell are you?
family: funny you mention hell. we're the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family.
girl: can't be, you're dead.
family: dead tired and cold and hungry. can we come in?
mother: that's a common last name, right?
* girl: guys, i think this RV was haunted all along, i think it was sending signals into my brain, warning of my impending death, showing me the moment of the previous family's death, not to mention the fact that it drove itself. i tried to tell you.
father: honey, there's a vivid imagination and then there's a diseased mind.
mother: we want you to be free, but not that free.
girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i can't believe you missed having that collision.
parents: we didn't, honey, we're all dead.
girl: oh well, at least i don't have to worry about that trig test anymore. did you guys see the white light?
parents: no, honey, we didn't see the white light, only you did. we're going to a different place.
girl: damn, you guys REALLY partied in the '60s, huh?
* best title to date.
* parents: homework? that's not what life's about, life's about having fun.
girl: why did i have to get stuck with cool parents?
father: trigonometry doesn't matter, the only triangles i use are slices of pizza and cake.
mother: school is a waste of time, why stay in one cramped room for eight hours? you need to breathe, stretch, and relax in the open wild. nature is the best classroom. be like that kid from that movie who shunned civilization and lived in the wilderness until he died from eating bad berries.
* father: our daughter worries too much, i don't know where she gets that from.
mother: i know, it's certainly not from me.
father: it's not from me. wait, the girl is mine, right?
mother: well i was a '60s wild child.
father: i'm calling Maury.
* male friend: so your parents are hippies?
girl: pretty much.
friend: that's cool. i wish my parents were lenient free spirits. my dad's a drunk and my mom went crazy. hey, you want to make out in that ice-cream truck?
girl: that's the RV my parents got. i don't think it's a good idea.
friend: why, your parents are against interracial couples?
girl: no, it's just i have a lot on my plate right now, what with the trig test and the fact that i may be crazy.
friend: i see. um, you're cute and everything but i can't be with someone who reminds me of mom, y'know?
* male friend: take a look at this brochure. apparently the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family took this exact RV on a family vacation never to return. it was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime.
girl: instead it turned into the trip of a deathtime.
a strange family approaches the RV.
mother: hello, who the hell are you?
family: funny you mention hell. we're the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family.
girl: can't be, you're dead.
family: dead tired and cold and hungry. can we come in?
mother: that's a common last name, right?
* girl: guys, i think this RV was haunted all along, i think it was sending signals into my brain, warning of my impending death, showing me the moment of the previous family's death, not to mention the fact that it drove itself. i tried to tell you.
father: honey, there's a vivid imagination and then there's a diseased mind.
mother: we want you to be free, but not that free.
girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i can't believe you missed having that collision.
parents: we didn't, honey, we're all dead.
girl: oh well, at least i don't have to worry about that trig test anymore. did you guys see the white light?
parents: no, honey, we didn't see the white light, only you did. we're going to a different place.
girl: damn, you guys REALLY partied in the '60s, huh?
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Glasgowman's Wrath" Episode Discussion
learned:
* last week i saw my Giants win 3 in 5. they also miss the playoffs. they're an unconventional dynasty like me. i'm unconventional. i'm not a dynasty. Big Country MadBum is a living legend at age 25. can you imagine what that's like? i'm a legend in my own mind...
* Glasgowman: Scottish Slender Man
* Liv: where's Perry?
Carisi: chief, i'm still new, i know this isn't my place, i know humor can diffuse a tense situation, i know it's your kid's favorite show, but please, no more Phineas and Ferb, can we get back to the case?
* Amaro: so what did this entity look like? like a monster? a witch?
Rollins: excuse me?
Amaro: witch, i said witch!
Rollins: you're lucky that bitch Olivia wasn't here to hear.
* crazy guy: i'm not crazy. the girl smelled like strawberries. i saved her. i didn't harm her. i'm lucid enough to know that those girls set me up. i've never seen those girls before in my life. the CIA is transmitting signals to my brain with the radio waves in your cellphone. i like technology, i have an ipad mini myself. all i have to do is keep taking my meds but i don't wanna. treat me like a man, i show more heart and humanity than you cynical cops ever will.
* Amaro punches the geek in the nose.
geek: what the fuck was that for? i didn't have anything to do with this!
Amaro: you fucked me on that internet online auction, that was the last Dark Wizard card, there is only one in existence, it's super-rare and you got it before me!
geek: sorry, brah, was it going to be for your daughter?
Amaro: no, FOR ME, you stupid geek!
* little sister: she wouldn't intentionally harm me, right? we're sisters, we love each other.
Liv: you are so cute, but i'm afraid your sister is under the spell of a dark force.
little sister: Satanism? schizophrenia?
Liv: more powerful: Slender Man offered her a discount on ponies.
* crazy guy: you are the only one who gets me, Carisi, you're my little brother.
Carisi: for life, buddy, i want to see you well. no more woods, woods are for hippies.
crazy guy: will you do anything for me?
Carisi: anything.
crazy guy: come into this cell with me and let's cuddle, i'm lonely.
Carisi: well...
Carisi: ...okay, i guess, i mean, well, sure, so here i come, i'm coming in...
crazy guy: don't tase me, bro.
Carisi: i'm not teasing you...
* last week i saw my Giants win 3 in 5. they also miss the playoffs. they're an unconventional dynasty like me. i'm unconventional. i'm not a dynasty. Big Country MadBum is a living legend at age 25. can you imagine what that's like? i'm a legend in my own mind...
* Glasgowman: Scottish Slender Man
* Liv: where's Perry?
Carisi: chief, i'm still new, i know this isn't my place, i know humor can diffuse a tense situation, i know it's your kid's favorite show, but please, no more Phineas and Ferb, can we get back to the case?
* Amaro: so what did this entity look like? like a monster? a witch?
Rollins: excuse me?
Amaro: witch, i said witch!
Rollins: you're lucky that bitch Olivia wasn't here to hear.
* crazy guy: i'm not crazy. the girl smelled like strawberries. i saved her. i didn't harm her. i'm lucid enough to know that those girls set me up. i've never seen those girls before in my life. the CIA is transmitting signals to my brain with the radio waves in your cellphone. i like technology, i have an ipad mini myself. all i have to do is keep taking my meds but i don't wanna. treat me like a man, i show more heart and humanity than you cynical cops ever will.
* Amaro punches the geek in the nose.
geek: what the fuck was that for? i didn't have anything to do with this!
Amaro: you fucked me on that internet online auction, that was the last Dark Wizard card, there is only one in existence, it's super-rare and you got it before me!
geek: sorry, brah, was it going to be for your daughter?
Amaro: no, FOR ME, you stupid geek!
* little sister: she wouldn't intentionally harm me, right? we're sisters, we love each other.
Liv: you are so cute, but i'm afraid your sister is under the spell of a dark force.
little sister: Satanism? schizophrenia?
Liv: more powerful: Slender Man offered her a discount on ponies.
* crazy guy: you are the only one who gets me, Carisi, you're my little brother.
Carisi: for life, buddy, i want to see you well. no more woods, woods are for hippies.
crazy guy: will you do anything for me?
Carisi: anything.
crazy guy: come into this cell with me and let's cuddle, i'm lonely.
Carisi: well...
Carisi: ...okay, i guess, i mean, well, sure, so here i come, i'm coming in...
crazy guy: don't tase me, bro.
Carisi: i'm not teasing you...
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Degrassi "Wise Up" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Zoe pats Zig's butt.
Zoe: nice bum, chum.
Zig: oh, so we're just chums?
Zoe: not the reaction i was going for. why are there nudes blowin' up your instagram?
Zig: stupid niners. stupid hot niners.
Zoe: nudity is nudity, except when it's Zoe Rivas nudity. want me to send you a pic of me?
Zig: no, after all you've been through, let's just be chums.
Zoe: so i'm not hot anymore? i'd like to move on with my life, move past the trauma and have fun again. i want to be desired.
Zig: okay, chums with benefits.
Zig's punk friend: i've got the perfect way to win Zoe's heart: stroll the halls of Degrassi with I LIKE YOU on your chest, it's sure not to fail. plus, the ratings will go up. Principal Simpson will love it!
Zig: why not I LOVE YOU?
Zig's punk friend: that would be desperate.
the other punk girl: you're rejecting Zig after he did that hot chest thing for you? are you crazy?
Zoe: i'm not the one with the pink hair. btw, who the hell are you?
the other punk girl: i'm sure we'll learn soon enough, i should be getting my own -centric episode soon.
Zoe: how do you know you'll get one?
the other punk girl: pink hair, dead giveaway.
* Clare: i'm letting you off the hook.
Drew: good, that spaghetti would have been expensive.
Clare: when we graduate, we disappear from each other.
Drew: so i don't have to pay child support?
Clare: yes, but i'm going to college and you're going to the mall to sell sunglasses. is it even worth the paperwork?
Drew: just let me at those papers, i'm a pro at signing papers.
Becky: it's a pain in the ass.
Drew: sorry, but you said you wanted to try anal.
Becky: no, my cheerleading injury. i have a bonafide injury, that proves that cheerleading is a fucking sport.
Drew: so, anal tonight?
Becky: fuck no, we're through, Drew. hey, that rhymed, i think i'm gonna become a lesbian goth poet. i'm done with boys.
Drew: Imogen will be happy about that and will never tell you that thing about Adam...
Dallas: how's your abandoned son gonna feel about his deadbeat dad on Father's Day?
Drew: tricky. on the one hand, i'm not there to guide him. on the other hand, i'm not there to guide him...
* Miles's dad pushes Miles against the wall painting.
Miles's dad: i'm sorry, son, i didn't mean to attack you. i'm mad cos i wanted to go miniature golfing instead but they were full. it's my favorite sport.
Miles: that's the classic abuser's line.
dad: i know and i'm sorry. it's just the stress of this campaign.
Miles: by the way, how fucking long has this campaign been going on? no, seriously, like ever since my character was introduced, you've seemed to be on this interminable campaign. it feels like it's been three years. when the fuck do the people vote already? today were the mid-term elections in real life, so why not mirror that with the show. Degrassi: it's real.
dad: to make it up to you, how about i buy your love with a car?
Miles: i see right through you, you're just doing this to keep me on a leash so i don't cause any more trouble for you.
dad: is it working?
Miles: of course. i'm a teen and this is a car.
Tristan: okay, now that i see that new car of yours, i can be your boyfriend again. yes, i only love you for your money.
Miles: i'll take it, i'm in a vulnerable place. also, i'm using you, too.
Maya: Miles, what is all this? are you really gay? bi? or just trying to get back at your father?
Miles: it's none of your business, but if you must know, Tristan is teaching me miniature golf on the side. i will best my father someday.
* Zoe pats Zig's butt.
Zoe: nice bum, chum.
Zig: oh, so we're just chums?
Zoe: not the reaction i was going for. why are there nudes blowin' up your instagram?
Zig: stupid niners. stupid hot niners.
Zoe: nudity is nudity, except when it's Zoe Rivas nudity. want me to send you a pic of me?
Zig: no, after all you've been through, let's just be chums.
Zoe: so i'm not hot anymore? i'd like to move on with my life, move past the trauma and have fun again. i want to be desired.
Zig: okay, chums with benefits.
Zig's punk friend: i've got the perfect way to win Zoe's heart: stroll the halls of Degrassi with I LIKE YOU on your chest, it's sure not to fail. plus, the ratings will go up. Principal Simpson will love it!
Zig: why not I LOVE YOU?
Zig's punk friend: that would be desperate.
the other punk girl: you're rejecting Zig after he did that hot chest thing for you? are you crazy?
Zoe: i'm not the one with the pink hair. btw, who the hell are you?
the other punk girl: i'm sure we'll learn soon enough, i should be getting my own -centric episode soon.
Zoe: how do you know you'll get one?
the other punk girl: pink hair, dead giveaway.
* Clare: i'm letting you off the hook.
Drew: good, that spaghetti would have been expensive.
Clare: when we graduate, we disappear from each other.
Drew: so i don't have to pay child support?
Clare: yes, but i'm going to college and you're going to the mall to sell sunglasses. is it even worth the paperwork?
Drew: just let me at those papers, i'm a pro at signing papers.
Becky: it's a pain in the ass.
Drew: sorry, but you said you wanted to try anal.
Becky: no, my cheerleading injury. i have a bonafide injury, that proves that cheerleading is a fucking sport.
Drew: so, anal tonight?
Becky: fuck no, we're through, Drew. hey, that rhymed, i think i'm gonna become a lesbian goth poet. i'm done with boys.
Drew: Imogen will be happy about that and will never tell you that thing about Adam...
Dallas: how's your abandoned son gonna feel about his deadbeat dad on Father's Day?
Drew: tricky. on the one hand, i'm not there to guide him. on the other hand, i'm not there to guide him...
* Miles's dad pushes Miles against the wall painting.
Miles's dad: i'm sorry, son, i didn't mean to attack you. i'm mad cos i wanted to go miniature golfing instead but they were full. it's my favorite sport.
Miles: that's the classic abuser's line.
dad: i know and i'm sorry. it's just the stress of this campaign.
Miles: by the way, how fucking long has this campaign been going on? no, seriously, like ever since my character was introduced, you've seemed to be on this interminable campaign. it feels like it's been three years. when the fuck do the people vote already? today were the mid-term elections in real life, so why not mirror that with the show. Degrassi: it's real.
dad: to make it up to you, how about i buy your love with a car?
Miles: i see right through you, you're just doing this to keep me on a leash so i don't cause any more trouble for you.
dad: is it working?
Miles: of course. i'm a teen and this is a car.
Tristan: okay, now that i see that new car of yours, i can be your boyfriend again. yes, i only love you for your money.
Miles: i'll take it, i'm in a vulnerable place. also, i'm using you, too.
Maya: Miles, what is all this? are you really gay? bi? or just trying to get back at your father?
Miles: it's none of your business, but if you must know, Tristan is teaching me miniature golf on the side. i will best my father someday.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Saturday Night Live Chris Rock / Prince Episode Discussion
learned:
* i didn't feel that extra hour of sleep, i felt as busy as ever. i need a new life. i need to self-actualize soon...
* Chris Rock monologue: the eternal questions: what is funny and what is offensive? can humor be anything other than subjective? can it be collective and objective? if you're thinking it, what does it matter that you say it? are thoughts good, bad, or indifferent? clearly the egg came first.
* ISIS skit: i'm just saying there's something particularly offensive about using computer skills to murder. the computer is meant to help people, bring the global community together tenuously with social media, make it easier to look up things and learn. it's for blogs, dammit, blogs, so everyone, even the bum on the street, can have a voice and type away his opinions. okay, so the bum is having a hard time self-actualizing and maybe can't afford a computer, but please, bum, please, ISIS is not the answer.
* vlog skit: computers are dumb. fap stands for forward after parentals (leave).
* Prince: his music can only be catergorized as Prince. there's no label or neat box for it to fit in, unless you say it's guitar-driven soul. seeing his extended set i had one thought: i want to join his gang, i want to shave the sides of my head letting the bangs grow out and join that fun gang up there.
* helpful robbers: THIS IS A STICKUP! A CRAYON-STICK UP! art is a privilege, not a right. you want to know the real crime occurring here?: that tree you're drawing looks like a turtle.
* the couple: Show, i REALLY love these. very A Raisin in the Sun. whenever i see these drama vignettes i get reminded again that SNL is located by the Broadway theatre. i get to pretend that i'm a cultured urbane man-about-town patronizing my favorite indie theatre house while i sip pumpkin-spiced-latte and guffaw with my fellow intellectuals through my sweater and mittens. and i don't have to pay for the ticket. free tv, gotta love it.
* okay, let's talk about the promos cos why not: very interesting one with Bobby Moynihan and Chris Rock walking the streets among the non-famous people all with their cellphones recording, very atmospheric and different. difference is all these days.
* goodnights: for the record, Prince was NOT acting the diva being a no-show. he was in the bathroom flushing out his third eye. his sunglasses gave away his secret. he needs to rinse that third eye continuously with purple lake water or it gets dry. it's easier to do this back home at Lake Minnetonka where the rains are purple...
* i didn't feel that extra hour of sleep, i felt as busy as ever. i need a new life. i need to self-actualize soon...
* Chris Rock monologue: the eternal questions: what is funny and what is offensive? can humor be anything other than subjective? can it be collective and objective? if you're thinking it, what does it matter that you say it? are thoughts good, bad, or indifferent? clearly the egg came first.
* ISIS skit: i'm just saying there's something particularly offensive about using computer skills to murder. the computer is meant to help people, bring the global community together tenuously with social media, make it easier to look up things and learn. it's for blogs, dammit, blogs, so everyone, even the bum on the street, can have a voice and type away his opinions. okay, so the bum is having a hard time self-actualizing and maybe can't afford a computer, but please, bum, please, ISIS is not the answer.
* vlog skit: computers are dumb. fap stands for forward after parentals (leave).
* Prince: his music can only be catergorized as Prince. there's no label or neat box for it to fit in, unless you say it's guitar-driven soul. seeing his extended set i had one thought: i want to join his gang, i want to shave the sides of my head letting the bangs grow out and join that fun gang up there.
* helpful robbers: THIS IS A STICKUP! A CRAYON-STICK UP! art is a privilege, not a right. you want to know the real crime occurring here?: that tree you're drawing looks like a turtle.
* the couple: Show, i REALLY love these. very A Raisin in the Sun. whenever i see these drama vignettes i get reminded again that SNL is located by the Broadway theatre. i get to pretend that i'm a cultured urbane man-about-town patronizing my favorite indie theatre house while i sip pumpkin-spiced-latte and guffaw with my fellow intellectuals through my sweater and mittens. and i don't have to pay for the ticket. free tv, gotta love it.
* okay, let's talk about the promos cos why not: very interesting one with Bobby Moynihan and Chris Rock walking the streets among the non-famous people all with their cellphones recording, very atmospheric and different. difference is all these days.
* goodnights: for the record, Prince was NOT acting the diva being a no-show. he was in the bathroom flushing out his third eye. his sunglasses gave away his secret. he needs to rinse that third eye continuously with purple lake water or it gets dry. it's easier to do this back home at Lake Minnetonka where the rains are purple...
Saturday, November 1, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Near Mint Condition" Episode Discussion
learned:
* friend: what's with your brother and the zombie stare?
younger brother: he's waiting for a toy.
friend: oh i see. kidult?
younger brother: yep, adult swim-watcher. promise me we won't end up like him?
friend: promise. now let's get back to these video games...
* geek: you said you'd be here on time!
mailman: traffic. i'm a mailman, not a fucking pizza boy. do you know how the world works, kid?
geek: don't call me kid, i have my learner's and then some, i'm a responsible adult, i used my car money to buy this.
mailman: well then, it must be important. let's open it up and see what's inside.
the geek opens the box. in the box is a pepperoni pizza.
* younger brother: wait, this is the first time in media history that a geek is getting respect and deference. it can't just be cos you're older, can it? take off your glasses.
the older brother geek takes off his glasses.
younger brother: now i see, you're handsome underneath.
* the geek throws bread at his younger brother.
younger brother: seriously? you're not the sharpest knife in the kitchen.
geek: that gives me an idea...
* woman: you hoarders make me sick. that's what killed him. yeah, the animal killed him, but his obsession with toys killed his soul. toys, toys, toys, what's up with grown men and toys? brony, right?
geek: i wouldn't know, i collect bears, not ponies.
woman: ...the type of losers who spend their Saturday afternoons watching kid shows and blogging about them afterwards...
* geek: bro, distract the killer bear while i slo-mo cut off his head with my Highlander sword.
the geek and the bear rage toward each other.
bear: *growl*
geek: *growl* THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and *slice*.
younger brother: gotta admit, that was pretty cool.
geek: the only perk of being a geek: knowledge when a bear comes to life and mangles the neighborhood. i am never going to have sex.
younger brother: i was so scared.
geek: you know what's even scarier? this episode has no ending...
* friend: what's with your brother and the zombie stare?
younger brother: he's waiting for a toy.
friend: oh i see. kidult?
younger brother: yep, adult swim-watcher. promise me we won't end up like him?
friend: promise. now let's get back to these video games...
* geek: you said you'd be here on time!
mailman: traffic. i'm a mailman, not a fucking pizza boy. do you know how the world works, kid?
geek: don't call me kid, i have my learner's and then some, i'm a responsible adult, i used my car money to buy this.
mailman: well then, it must be important. let's open it up and see what's inside.
the geek opens the box. in the box is a pepperoni pizza.
* younger brother: wait, this is the first time in media history that a geek is getting respect and deference. it can't just be cos you're older, can it? take off your glasses.
the older brother geek takes off his glasses.
younger brother: now i see, you're handsome underneath.
* the geek throws bread at his younger brother.
younger brother: seriously? you're not the sharpest knife in the kitchen.
geek: that gives me an idea...
* woman: you hoarders make me sick. that's what killed him. yeah, the animal killed him, but his obsession with toys killed his soul. toys, toys, toys, what's up with grown men and toys? brony, right?
geek: i wouldn't know, i collect bears, not ponies.
woman: ...the type of losers who spend their Saturday afternoons watching kid shows and blogging about them afterwards...
* geek: bro, distract the killer bear while i slo-mo cut off his head with my Highlander sword.
the geek and the bear rage toward each other.
bear: *growl*
geek: *growl* THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and *slice*.
younger brother: gotta admit, that was pretty cool.
geek: the only perk of being a geek: knowledge when a bear comes to life and mangles the neighborhood. i am never going to have sex.
younger brother: i was so scared.
geek: you know what's even scarier? this episode has no ending...
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Degrassi "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Episode Discussion
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Monday, October 27, 2014
Saturday Night Live Jim Carrey / Iggy Azalea Episode Discussion
learned:
* Helvis: thankfully, this wasn't a bad omen of what was to come. i've never liked pecan pie to begin with, but i've never wanted pecan pie less.
* Carrey reunion: y'know what SNL should have done this week? actually return to the glory days of In Living Color, make this week's sketches of a caliber of that show: good writing, deep writing, meaningful sociopolitical skits, stuff Jim could shine in, i'd settle for a new lasting Jim character (the secret billionaire with the name mind games came closest). for one week, Show, don't be SNL, be In Living Color...
* Iggy Azalea: has a nice butt. butt seriously, the second song had a nice butt, i mean beat. now was she lip-synching? no, no, she was Ig-synching, or lip-Igging, that's what it's called in the industry.
* Sia: ever since the airing, i haven't gotten "Chandelier" out of my head, i sing it badly everywhere: in the shower, in the bath, in the oatmeal bath. when she soars into those high notes, it's chilling. oh, and Jim effectively deflated the whole controversy with the child dancer in the video being pregnant with his turn as a pregnant man.
* okay, so maybe i could enjoy a pecan pie after masturbating and going to an Applebee's with the rest of the dullards...or masturbating with the rest of the dullards at Applebee's...or something.
* did you see the promos for this show? they were hilarious. most of the SNL promos end up being funnier than anything that's in the show. they should air the promos during the show, hell, air them instead of the cold open. also, did you see this week's "Kids" horror piece? it was a fantastic fable about the pressures on a young man contemplating starting a family. for fuck sake why is this not on the show? why is the quality stuff not on the actual show? now that's scary.
* Helvis: thankfully, this wasn't a bad omen of what was to come. i've never liked pecan pie to begin with, but i've never wanted pecan pie less.
* Carrey reunion: y'know what SNL should have done this week? actually return to the glory days of In Living Color, make this week's sketches of a caliber of that show: good writing, deep writing, meaningful sociopolitical skits, stuff Jim could shine in, i'd settle for a new lasting Jim character (the secret billionaire with the name mind games came closest). for one week, Show, don't be SNL, be In Living Color...
* Iggy Azalea: has a nice butt. butt seriously, the second song had a nice butt, i mean beat. now was she lip-synching? no, no, she was Ig-synching, or lip-Igging, that's what it's called in the industry.
* Sia: ever since the airing, i haven't gotten "Chandelier" out of my head, i sing it badly everywhere: in the shower, in the bath, in the oatmeal bath. when she soars into those high notes, it's chilling. oh, and Jim effectively deflated the whole controversy with the child dancer in the video being pregnant with his turn as a pregnant man.
* okay, so maybe i could enjoy a pecan pie after masturbating and going to an Applebee's with the rest of the dullards...or masturbating with the rest of the dullards at Applebee's...or something.
* did you see the promos for this show? they were hilarious. most of the SNL promos end up being funnier than anything that's in the show. they should air the promos during the show, hell, air them instead of the cold open. also, did you see this week's "Kids" horror piece? it was a fantastic fable about the pressures on a young man contemplating starting a family. for fuck sake why is this not on the show? why is the quality stuff not on the actual show? now that's scary.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Return of the Pumpkinheads" Episode Discussion
learned:
* girl: mom, mom, MOM!!! like, oh my god, mom, like, my friends are gone, mom, Kristen is, omg, fuck this place, mom, fuck my life, i don't want to live on this planet anymore, mom, not in this house.
mom: hush up, girl, you're not in the valley anymore, you're in the country.
* girl: Kristen, i hear a scratching sound on my window, you hear that?
Kristen: yes i do, i'm the one making it...
* boy: dad, what are you doing here?
Steve Bacic: i used to be the father to some kid on this show, it was spooky like this one but a different show, same company but different, and well, long story short, i just hope that show's not canceled now that we're on Discovery Family.
boy: i don't want to do anything, dad! i don't want to do anything anymore! this place has transformed me from star football player to goth.
* skeleton boy: don't say i didn't warn you.
boy: scram, kid, ya bother me.
skeleton boy: i wasn't talking to you, wannabe. i was addressing the cute girl.
girl: warn us about what?
boy: the high fructose corn syrup i'm sucking off this lollipop will cause more damage to my head than if my head were turned into a pumpkin.
* mom: remember?
girl: when i used to lick the spoon? yeah, good times i guess, at our old house anyway.
mom: learning to use your tongue will come in handy in your future. you shouldn't put too much stock in the house itself, the location. i've heard that some houses are living entities that trap homesick girls.
girl: the horror-movie chic of this place is going to your head. take off that ridiculous costume, mom, you're embarrassing me in front of Kristen. besides, you sound like a sheep, not a witch.
mom: did you call me a bitch?
girl: no, witch.
mom: did you call me a sheep?
girl: um, yes.
mom: i'll have you know i didn't vote this last election.
* ornery woman: where's my son?
boy: skeleton boy?
ornery woman: yeah, that's my son!
boy: are you his mom...or dad?
ornery woman: how dare you!
boy: sorry, it's dark out here.
* boy: quick, get in the car! they're coming!
girl: i want my parents back! the way they were! i never thought i'd be saying that!
boy: who knew?
girl: haha, that was funny. please Mom and Dad, i promise to wear my seat belt from now on.
boy: we're long past seat belts. we need to get our folks to a hospital.
girl: really? do you really think an ordinary doctor can cure this? we need a witch doctor.
boy: shut up, Meg!
girl: what?
boy: shut up and drive!
* girl: mom, mom, MOM!!! like, oh my god, mom, like, my friends are gone, mom, Kristen is, omg, fuck this place, mom, fuck my life, i don't want to live on this planet anymore, mom, not in this house.
mom: hush up, girl, you're not in the valley anymore, you're in the country.
* girl: Kristen, i hear a scratching sound on my window, you hear that?
Kristen: yes i do, i'm the one making it...
* boy: dad, what are you doing here?
Steve Bacic: i used to be the father to some kid on this show, it was spooky like this one but a different show, same company but different, and well, long story short, i just hope that show's not canceled now that we're on Discovery Family.
boy: i don't want to do anything, dad! i don't want to do anything anymore! this place has transformed me from star football player to goth.
* skeleton boy: don't say i didn't warn you.
boy: scram, kid, ya bother me.
skeleton boy: i wasn't talking to you, wannabe. i was addressing the cute girl.
girl: warn us about what?
boy: the high fructose corn syrup i'm sucking off this lollipop will cause more damage to my head than if my head were turned into a pumpkin.
* mom: remember?
girl: when i used to lick the spoon? yeah, good times i guess, at our old house anyway.
mom: learning to use your tongue will come in handy in your future. you shouldn't put too much stock in the house itself, the location. i've heard that some houses are living entities that trap homesick girls.
girl: the horror-movie chic of this place is going to your head. take off that ridiculous costume, mom, you're embarrassing me in front of Kristen. besides, you sound like a sheep, not a witch.
mom: did you call me a bitch?
girl: no, witch.
mom: did you call me a sheep?
girl: um, yes.
mom: i'll have you know i didn't vote this last election.
* ornery woman: where's my son?
boy: skeleton boy?
ornery woman: yeah, that's my son!
boy: are you his mom...or dad?
ornery woman: how dare you!
boy: sorry, it's dark out here.
* boy: quick, get in the car! they're coming!
girl: i want my parents back! the way they were! i never thought i'd be saying that!
boy: who knew?
girl: haha, that was funny. please Mom and Dad, i promise to wear my seat belt from now on.
boy: we're long past seat belts. we need to get our folks to a hospital.
girl: really? do you really think an ordinary doctor can cure this? we need a witch doctor.
boy: shut up, Meg!
girl: what?
boy: shut up and drive!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Pornstar's Requiem" Episode Discusion
learned:
* sleazy defense lawyer: i've looked over every one of these pornos...
Liv:...i bet you have.
* sleazy defense lawyer: and, madam, that is what I get paid to do.........................i'm sorry for being so smarmy, the douchebaggery of my frat clients has really rubbed off on me.
* Peter Gallagher: Liv, i am here.
Liv: but why?
Peter: i am here to be the guy who comes on screen once or twice a show to present my handsomeness to the world. i'm a jerk, but i'm handsome, so the audience lets it slide. i've almost reached Rob Lowe status.
Liv: you're just trying to protect the university.
Peter: grow up. hey, if you want to create policy, get into politics.
Liv: and be even less effective than campus police?
* Liv: don't hide behind the mayor's skirt.
university president: the mayor wears a skirt? i never pegged that man for a wild one.
* frat dude: what's going on here?
Carisi: oh, your friend over there is gonna get a better deal than you cos he talked to your lawyer first. that's the problem with sharing the same lawyer. with you being the poor one and everything, you're gonna get shafted.
frat dude: thanks for the advice. i thought you were the enemy here, but for some reason, i'm gonna listen to you rather than my lawyer.
* young woman: porn stars are people, too.
woman's dad: did you ever think of us? do you know what it's like to get gas in our town now? with everyone's beady little eyes staring at me at the pump?
woman: they're not staring at you, they're staring at those ridiculously sky-high gas prices!
* young woman: at least here, no means no.
Rollins: i understand, but...
Carisi: Rollins, let her go, it's her decision. this reminds me of that scene with Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream...except there's a "Y.M.C.A." thing going on here.
* sleazy defense lawyer: i've looked over every one of these pornos...
Liv:...i bet you have.
* sleazy defense lawyer: and, madam, that is what I get paid to do.........................i'm sorry for being so smarmy, the douchebaggery of my frat clients has really rubbed off on me.
* Peter Gallagher: Liv, i am here.
Liv: but why?
Peter: i am here to be the guy who comes on screen once or twice a show to present my handsomeness to the world. i'm a jerk, but i'm handsome, so the audience lets it slide. i've almost reached Rob Lowe status.
Liv: you're just trying to protect the university.
Peter: grow up. hey, if you want to create policy, get into politics.
Liv: and be even less effective than campus police?
* Liv: don't hide behind the mayor's skirt.
university president: the mayor wears a skirt? i never pegged that man for a wild one.
* frat dude: what's going on here?
Carisi: oh, your friend over there is gonna get a better deal than you cos he talked to your lawyer first. that's the problem with sharing the same lawyer. with you being the poor one and everything, you're gonna get shafted.
frat dude: thanks for the advice. i thought you were the enemy here, but for some reason, i'm gonna listen to you rather than my lawyer.
* young woman: porn stars are people, too.
woman's dad: did you ever think of us? do you know what it's like to get gas in our town now? with everyone's beady little eyes staring at me at the pump?
woman: they're not staring at you, they're staring at those ridiculously sky-high gas prices!
* young woman: at least here, no means no.
Rollins: i understand, but...
Carisi: Rollins, let her go, it's her decision. this reminds me of that scene with Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream...except there's a "Y.M.C.A." thing going on here.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Mrs. Worthington" Episode Discussion
learned:
* when i first saw scraps of this in the season trailer, i got excited, i couldn't wait to have Lois Lane grace this show with some high-caliber acting and name recognition...
* sister: mom, i need that dress, we are talking about social suicide here.
mom: suicide? it's just an eraser.
brother: not to me. all art supplies matter more than life itself.
* sister destroys the art pencil, pushing it all the way into the pencil sharpener.
brother: NO, NO!!! what did i tell you! art > life! here, put my finger into the sharpener, but NOT THE PENCIL!!!
* sister answers the door.
sister: um, who the fuck are you, old hag?
Mrs. Worthington: well what a fine greeting. you are one swell broad.
sister: sorry, i was transferring my rage at my mother not getting my dress over to you. you're innocent in all this and you seem like a sweet lady. please, ma'am, come on in.
Mrs. Worthington: thank you, i'm a vampire, i needed for you to invite me in. *sigh* i've lost all my motivation to act now...
* brother: Mrs. Worthington, is that you? you're really alive? are you here to carry out my revenge?
* brother: i've changed my mind! she really isn't that bad!
Mrs. Worthington: what do you mean? in the opening scene you wanted me to torture her you were so steaming mad at her. what changed?
brother: bad writing.
Mrs. Worthington: stop mouthing off at me! you will do as you're told!
brother: why?
Mrs. Worthington: honey, if i was able to call Superman on his bullshit, i'm certainly not taking any guff from a scrawny kid like you.
* sister opens the cabinet in the attic and sees her brother's sketches of her.
sister: so on top of being annoying, you're a stalker, too?
brother: no, i'm an artist. aren't my sketches good?
sister: well yeah, as stalker shrines go, i've seen worse.
* Mrs. Worthington: kid, you may have crumbled up and cut apart that sketch you drew of me, but i have the final revenge.
brother: how so? you're history, gone, erased.
Mrs. Worthington: i saw how much you enjoyed tearing me up, making me disappear. you've got a bright future ahead of you, son. make no mistake, your sister will be mean to you again...
* when i first saw scraps of this in the season trailer, i got excited, i couldn't wait to have Lois Lane grace this show with some high-caliber acting and name recognition...
* sister: mom, i need that dress, we are talking about social suicide here.
mom: suicide? it's just an eraser.
brother: not to me. all art supplies matter more than life itself.
* sister destroys the art pencil, pushing it all the way into the pencil sharpener.
brother: NO, NO!!! what did i tell you! art > life! here, put my finger into the sharpener, but NOT THE PENCIL!!!
* sister answers the door.
sister: um, who the fuck are you, old hag?
Mrs. Worthington: well what a fine greeting. you are one swell broad.
sister: sorry, i was transferring my rage at my mother not getting my dress over to you. you're innocent in all this and you seem like a sweet lady. please, ma'am, come on in.
Mrs. Worthington: thank you, i'm a vampire, i needed for you to invite me in. *sigh* i've lost all my motivation to act now...
* brother: Mrs. Worthington, is that you? you're really alive? are you here to carry out my revenge?
Mrs. Worthington: no, kid, i'm here to syrup your pancakes and make the medicine go down. actually i am here for the medicine part.
* brother: i've changed my mind! she really isn't that bad!
Mrs. Worthington: what do you mean? in the opening scene you wanted me to torture her you were so steaming mad at her. what changed?
brother: bad writing.
Mrs. Worthington: stop mouthing off at me! you will do as you're told!
brother: why?
Mrs. Worthington: honey, if i was able to call Superman on his bullshit, i'm certainly not taking any guff from a scrawny kid like you.
* sister opens the cabinet in the attic and sees her brother's sketches of her.
sister: so on top of being annoying, you're a stalker, too?
brother: no, i'm an artist. aren't my sketches good?
sister: well yeah, as stalker shrines go, i've seen worse.
* Mrs. Worthington: kid, you may have crumbled up and cut apart that sketch you drew of me, but i have the final revenge.
brother: how so? you're history, gone, erased.
Mrs. Worthington: i saw how much you enjoyed tearing me up, making me disappear. you've got a bright future ahead of you, son. make no mistake, your sister will be mean to you again...
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Holden's Manifesto" Episode Discussion
learned:
* three guesses why they named him Holden...and the first two are too angsty to care...
* Holden: idiots, they don't see me.
audience at home: we see you just fine, we can't miss you, your big head is all over our tv screens talking in that brilliant cadence.
Holden: nobody knows who i am, nobody notices me, beautiful women don't speak my name.
Liv: Holden? is that you? i'd like to talk to you.
Holden takes out his camera.
Liv: whoa, don't film this, this isn't police harassment.
Holden: no, i'm filming this to prove it happened. a beautiful woman spoke my name. all of my antisocial angst has lifted. i'm posting this video on my blog and turning over a new leaf. i really do like being a bike messenger.
* Liv: can i take my child home?
doctor: no you may not! i'm the doctor here!
Liv: i'm the producer here.
* teacher: every boy in my class had a crush on me. i mean, look at me.
Carisi: can you think of any reason why Holden would target you?
teacher: well i did get married...to a flute teacher.
Carisi: bingo. it's not that Holden's angry at you for getting married to not him, it's that it's the flute, y'know? i mean, the flute? you married that? the flute?
* Holden: see?! this is what I mean. I'm sure we have here the pretty cop dating the hunky cop.
Amaro: kid, I can assure you, Rollins and I have no chemistry whatsoever...
* Rollins: i took the time to read your entire manifesto.
Holden: wow, really? thank you, i put a lot of time and effort into that thing.
Rollins: not to be a grammar nazi, but there were a lot of your when it should be you're.
Holden: oh thanks. no it's okay, i'm like that, too. yeah, i kinda typed it out in a rush, so...
Rollins: would you like me, a beautiful woman, to kiss you?
Holden: sure, but pretty girls lie. but, for some reason, this time they don't. pucker up.
Rollins: kid, you better lean in and go for it like right now, like soon, you don't have much time, things are not gonna end well for you...
* three guesses why they named him Holden...and the first two are too angsty to care...
* Holden: idiots, they don't see me.
audience at home: we see you just fine, we can't miss you, your big head is all over our tv screens talking in that brilliant cadence.
Holden: nobody knows who i am, nobody notices me, beautiful women don't speak my name.
Liv: Holden? is that you? i'd like to talk to you.
Holden takes out his camera.
Liv: whoa, don't film this, this isn't police harassment.
Holden: no, i'm filming this to prove it happened. a beautiful woman spoke my name. all of my antisocial angst has lifted. i'm posting this video on my blog and turning over a new leaf. i really do like being a bike messenger.
* Liv: can i take my child home?
doctor: no you may not! i'm the doctor here!
Liv: i'm the producer here.
* teacher: every boy in my class had a crush on me. i mean, look at me.
Carisi: can you think of any reason why Holden would target you?
teacher: well i did get married...to a flute teacher.
Carisi: bingo. it's not that Holden's angry at you for getting married to not him, it's that it's the flute, y'know? i mean, the flute? you married that? the flute?
* Holden: see?! this is what I mean. I'm sure we have here the pretty cop dating the hunky cop.
Amaro: kid, I can assure you, Rollins and I have no chemistry whatsoever...
* Rollins: i took the time to read your entire manifesto.
Holden: wow, really? thank you, i put a lot of time and effort into that thing.
Rollins: not to be a grammar nazi, but there were a lot of your when it should be you're.
Holden: oh thanks. no it's okay, i'm like that, too. yeah, i kinda typed it out in a rush, so...
Rollins: would you like me, a beautiful woman, to kiss you?
Holden: sure, but pretty girls lie. but, for some reason, this time they don't. pucker up.
Rollins: kid, you better lean in and go for it like right now, like soon, you don't have much time, things are not gonna end well for you...
Monday, October 13, 2014
Saturday Night Live Bill Hader / Hozier Episode Discussion
learned:
* whoa, look at that, Pete Davidson suddenly is in everything. he's like Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman combined.
* for just 39 cents a day, i could continue writing these learned reviews with a little dignity...
* Hozier: usually, dudes with buns in their hair or ponytails or long hair in general or a straggling bang of hair that the dude constantly has to move away from his eye are annoying, but this Irish dude is awesome and can do anything he wants with his hair.
* Stefon and the Gossipy Coal Miner need to meet at that club called Mining For Gold that has that channel in the hotel that's about the hotel. Dan Cortese is there, he works as the bellhop.
* Puppet Class: finally, atheists have their advocate.
* The Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that,
he stuck his tail into a pussy that wasn't his,
and now his cat tale is one of woe,
but it's better to have tapped and lost than never to have tapped at all.
Fall.
* Jan Hooks tribute: beautiful beautiful beautiful, i would have cried if i had any tears left from earlier. yes, Jan and Phil, love is a dream, life is a dream. y'know, the segment was something out of a taped-for-tv Broadway play special, like what NBC did with The Sound of Music recently, it was ethereal and moving and, and, i just kept thinking: what if SNL ditched the comedy and used its talented repertoire to film these kind of dramatic vignettes, dance numbers, monologues, no laughs, just serious indie experimental theater, a variety show but for hipsters...
* whoa, look at that, Pete Davidson suddenly is in everything. he's like Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman combined.
* for just 39 cents a day, i could continue writing these learned reviews with a little dignity...
* Hozier: usually, dudes with buns in their hair or ponytails or long hair in general or a straggling bang of hair that the dude constantly has to move away from his eye are annoying, but this Irish dude is awesome and can do anything he wants with his hair.
* Stefon and the Gossipy Coal Miner need to meet at that club called Mining For Gold that has that channel in the hotel that's about the hotel. Dan Cortese is there, he works as the bellhop.
* Puppet Class: finally, atheists have their advocate.
* The Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that,
he stuck his tail into a pussy that wasn't his,
and now his cat tale is one of woe,
but it's better to have tapped and lost than never to have tapped at all.
Fall.
* Jan Hooks tribute: beautiful beautiful beautiful, i would have cried if i had any tears left from earlier. yes, Jan and Phil, love is a dream, life is a dream. y'know, the segment was something out of a taped-for-tv Broadway play special, like what NBC did with The Sound of Music recently, it was ethereal and moving and, and, i just kept thinking: what if SNL ditched the comedy and used its talented repertoire to film these kind of dramatic vignettes, dance numbers, monologues, no laughs, just serious indie experimental theater, a variety show but for hipsters...
Saturday, October 11, 2014
The Haunting Hour "My Old House" Episode Discussion
learned:
* mother: we need to move, we don't have the money.
daughter: what if i told you i could get the money? all i ask is you can't ask me what i did to get the money, deal?
mother: deal.
* mother: LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY, HEED THIS VOICE: GET USED TO THIS NEW HOUSE!!!
daughter: WHY?!!
mother: COS I'M NICOLE OLIVER, THE BEST ANIME VOICE ON THE PLANET!!!
* father: i'd feel better if i drove you to school on your first day.
daughter: i can walk, i'll be okay, dad, i know the way, i know how to get in the school, all i ask is you can't call the school to make sure i've made it, deal?
father: deal.
* House: come back...
daughter: House, is that you? i've never heard you speak to me before. sounds legit, i'm coming right over...
* daughter: this is wild. you make a fireplace for me, you blink once for yes and twice for no, you open doors for me like a gentleman, i don't need parents anymore. House, do pigs fly?
House blinks once.
daughter: do Houses communicate?
House blinks twice.
* daughter: i have to go now, House, i've had a revelation. we can still be friends, right?
House blinks twice.
daughter: more than friends?
House blinks once.
daughter: oh, well, maybe when we both get older.
* new-family daughter: mom, dad, get up here to my new room, there's something you have to see! there's a face on the wall!
new-family mom: no, honey, that's just the vent and two lights looking like a mouth and two eyes.
on the wall is a bust of the face of Dr. Gregory House.
* mother: we need to move, we don't have the money.
daughter: what if i told you i could get the money? all i ask is you can't ask me what i did to get the money, deal?
mother: deal.
* mother: LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY, HEED THIS VOICE: GET USED TO THIS NEW HOUSE!!!
daughter: WHY?!!
mother: COS I'M NICOLE OLIVER, THE BEST ANIME VOICE ON THE PLANET!!!
* father: i'd feel better if i drove you to school on your first day.
daughter: i can walk, i'll be okay, dad, i know the way, i know how to get in the school, all i ask is you can't call the school to make sure i've made it, deal?
father: deal.
* House: come back...
daughter: House, is that you? i've never heard you speak to me before. sounds legit, i'm coming right over...
* daughter: this is wild. you make a fireplace for me, you blink once for yes and twice for no, you open doors for me like a gentleman, i don't need parents anymore. House, do pigs fly?
House blinks once.
daughter: do Houses communicate?
House blinks twice.
* daughter: i have to go now, House, i've had a revelation. we can still be friends, right?
House blinks twice.
daughter: more than friends?
House blinks once.
daughter: oh, well, maybe when we both get older.
* new-family daughter: mom, dad, get up here to my new room, there's something you have to see! there's a face on the wall!
new-family mom: no, honey, that's just the vent and two lights looking like a mouth and two eyes.
on the wall is a bust of the face of Dr. Gregory House.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Producer's Backend" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Tensley Evans: officer, can i hold your baton?
Amaro hands Tensley his baton.
* Carisi: so, you were *air quotes* helping Tensley, right? yeah right!
counselor: nothing untoward happened. there are cameras everywhere.
Carisi: oh, so there are *air quotes* cameras everywhere, huh? yeah right!
Rollins: thank you, Carisi, i'll take it from here. why are you so belligerent towards him?
Carisi: sorry, flashbacks to when a hippie stole my lunch. also to when i did a report on 1984 that i thought was pretty good, but the teacher thought it lacked any intellectual insight and she flunked me down a grade.
* Liv: hey IAB, take a look at this video of Amaro's arrest of Tensley. it's by the book, you could use this as a training video at the academy.
IAB: no we couldn't, too distracting, there would be so much drooling going on from both the men and the women..
* boy: Dad, i don't want to talk about this in front of you, it's embarrassing! besides, i liked it.
dad: i understand, son, no need to be ashamed. but i think this is a good time for you to give me your twitter password.
boy: why?
dad: because nothing good ever comes from discussing anything on twitter. twitter is existentially bad.
* Amaro: so what did you see at the party?
actor dude: balloons...Tensley's balloons...
* Carisi: remember when that girl died at the party?
actor dude: not cool, brah, i thought you were here for an autograph.
* Roman Polanski: do you know who i am?
Liv: no.
Roman Polanski: that hurts more than all of these sex charges.
* special shout-out to the woman who played the waitress victim up in Canada, great natural performance, a heartfelt crying scene.
* Tensley Evans: officer, can i hold your baton?
Amaro hands Tensley his baton.
* Carisi: so, you were *air quotes* helping Tensley, right? yeah right!
counselor: nothing untoward happened. there are cameras everywhere.
Carisi: oh, so there are *air quotes* cameras everywhere, huh? yeah right!
Rollins: thank you, Carisi, i'll take it from here. why are you so belligerent towards him?
Carisi: sorry, flashbacks to when a hippie stole my lunch. also to when i did a report on 1984 that i thought was pretty good, but the teacher thought it lacked any intellectual insight and she flunked me down a grade.
* Liv: hey IAB, take a look at this video of Amaro's arrest of Tensley. it's by the book, you could use this as a training video at the academy.
IAB: no we couldn't, too distracting, there would be so much drooling going on from both the men and the women..
* boy: Dad, i don't want to talk about this in front of you, it's embarrassing! besides, i liked it.
dad: i understand, son, no need to be ashamed. but i think this is a good time for you to give me your twitter password.
boy: why?
dad: because nothing good ever comes from discussing anything on twitter. twitter is existentially bad.
* Amaro: so what did you see at the party?
actor dude: balloons...Tensley's balloons...
* Carisi: remember when that girl died at the party?
actor dude: not cool, brah, i thought you were here for an autograph.
* Roman Polanski: do you know who i am?
Liv: no.
Roman Polanski: that hurts more than all of these sex charges.
* special shout-out to the woman who played the waitress victim up in Canada, great natural performance, a heartfelt crying scene.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Saturday Night Live Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5 Episode Discussion
learned:
* that monologue was Zach G-level.
* Whites skit: paid for by Hillary For President
* Joan Rivers's corrections to her own skit: terrible impression of me by Sarah/ Ben Franklin knew what bi was, he invented it after sleeping with me./ Steve Jobs was right, Heaven isn't what was depicted in this skit or any other human imagining of it on film or tv, it's something which makes you go OH WOW...in my case, it was CAN WE TALK?...about those jesus sandals Jesus is wearing...
* Maroon 5: once again, the second song was better than the first song (which is from a car commercial?), but honestly, Adam should've just kept being Freddie Mercury throughout the entire show, it would have helped him at the after-party.
* this episode was very ebola-centered. check back next week to see if the show is filmed from a hermetically-sealed underground bunker.
* that monologue was Zach G-level.
* Whites skit: paid for by Hillary For President
* Joan Rivers's corrections to her own skit: terrible impression of me by Sarah/ Ben Franklin knew what bi was, he invented it after sleeping with me./ Steve Jobs was right, Heaven isn't what was depicted in this skit or any other human imagining of it on film or tv, it's something which makes you go OH WOW...in my case, it was CAN WE TALK?...about those jesus sandals Jesus is wearing...
* Maroon 5: once again, the second song was better than the first song (which is from a car commercial?), but honestly, Adam should've just kept being Freddie Mercury throughout the entire show, it would have helped him at the after-party.
* this episode was very ebola-centered. check back next week to see if the show is filmed from a hermetically-sealed underground bunker.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
The Haunting Hour "Grandpa's Glasses" Episode Discussion
learned:
* great acting from both the kid and the mom on straining to take the glasses off. that's low-tech horror right there.
* kid: i can't take these glasses off! imagine if Grandpa wore contacts...
* mom: Husband, you said you'd do this! don't go back on your promise. i have the plumber standing right beside me if you know what i mean...
* mom: this monster is the embodiment of my anger? yes, but it's not what everyone thinks. truth is, it's more frustration than anger, i haven't orgasmed in a decade, my love life's DOA.
* Grandpa: you're my grandson? i never met you. kid, do one thing for your poor old grandfather before i pass on, hand me that cigarette over there, would ya? i feel like i'm someone who should constantly be smoking a cigarette...
* little girl: i forgive you, daddy.
Grandpa: thank you, child, this hug means everything to me.
little girl: i forgive you for abandoning me my entire life.
Grandpa: uh, yeah, thanks.
* great acting from both the kid and the mom on straining to take the glasses off. that's low-tech horror right there.
* kid: i can't take these glasses off! imagine if Grandpa wore contacts...
* mom: Husband, you said you'd do this! don't go back on your promise. i have the plumber standing right beside me if you know what i mean...
* mom: this monster is the embodiment of my anger? yes, but it's not what everyone thinks. truth is, it's more frustration than anger, i haven't orgasmed in a decade, my love life's DOA.
* Grandpa: you're my grandson? i never met you. kid, do one thing for your poor old grandfather before i pass on, hand me that cigarette over there, would ya? i feel like i'm someone who should constantly be smoking a cigarette...
* little girl: i forgive you, daddy.
Grandpa: thank you, child, this hug means everything to me.
little girl: i forgive you for abandoning me my entire life.
Grandpa: uh, yeah, thanks.
The Haunting Hour "I'm Not Martin" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i love this show so much i want to marry it, but this just means more busywork for me, and i hate busywork so much i want to divorce it.
* another season of the cynical drunk high older sibling mentally abusing the poor cute innocent little sibling with his adult stories.
* speaking of, drinking game? every time "I'm Not Martin" is said? nah.
* kid: i think the charts were switched.
worker: let me just check. well how about that, they were! well, i'll switch them back. nonstarter legend, episode over.
* hot nurse: oh doctor, you're so good with your hands.
doctor: i know, i'm good with my feet, too. i'm good at collecting all the body parts.
* kid: what was the point of this episode? i mean, why do you guys collect body parts?
doctor: kid, brilliant board games like Operation don't just make themselves, there needs to be meticulous research put into them to make them as realistic as possible.
kid: i've always hated that game's buzzing sound. now i see where the buzzing sound originally came from.
* i love this show so much i want to marry it, but this just means more busywork for me, and i hate busywork so much i want to divorce it.
* another season of the cynical drunk high older sibling mentally abusing the poor cute innocent little sibling with his adult stories.
* speaking of, drinking game? every time "I'm Not Martin" is said? nah.
* kid: i think the charts were switched.
worker: let me just check. well how about that, they were! well, i'll switch them back. nonstarter legend, episode over.
* hot nurse: oh doctor, you're so good with your hands.
doctor: i know, i'm good with my feet, too. i'm good at collecting all the body parts.
* kid: what was the point of this episode? i mean, why do you guys collect body parts?
doctor: kid, brilliant board games like Operation don't just make themselves, there needs to be meticulous research put into them to make them as realistic as possible.
kid: i've always hated that game's buzzing sound. now i see where the buzzing sound originally came from.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Law & Order SVU "American Disgrace" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i like Green Day's title better.
* Liv: Carisi, where are Rollins and Fin?
Carisi: the hot blonde and the gangsta rapper? i think they're at a working lunch.
Liv: call them and get them down here.
Carisi: okay, chief, but what's the number again? i only know the number to the pizza place. i'm new.
* Fin: thanks for the pizza pie, Carisi, but i always took you for a pepperoni man.
Carisi: i'm full of surprises. goat cheese, who knew?
Liv: Carisi, why are you at SVU?
Carisi: honestly, the pizza here's better.
Amaro: all New York City pizza sucks.
* old friend at the police station: why are you down here in Atlanta?
Rollins: business. and it's none of your business.
old friend: sorry, i really called you cos the divorce is final.
Rollins: i know, she's with me now.
old friend: wait, what?
* black girl: all i'm sayin' is make the bribes equal, that's all. isn't this what post-racial Obama society is all about?
Barba: somehow i don't think this is what Martin Luther King, Jr. meant.
black girl: that's a nice suit and tie you got on there.
Barba: thank you, i'm white, i mean i'm a lawyer.
* Carisi: whoa, boss, you can read lips?
Liv: of course, i am a superwoman.
Carisi: okay, what am i mouthing now?
Liv: for your sake it better be olive juice.
* Barba: haven't i seen you somewhere before, judge?
(Sandy Duncan flies away.)
* i like Green Day's title better.
* Liv: Carisi, where are Rollins and Fin?
Carisi: the hot blonde and the gangsta rapper? i think they're at a working lunch.
Liv: call them and get them down here.
Carisi: okay, chief, but what's the number again? i only know the number to the pizza place. i'm new.
* Fin: thanks for the pizza pie, Carisi, but i always took you for a pepperoni man.
Carisi: i'm full of surprises. goat cheese, who knew?
Liv: Carisi, why are you at SVU?
Carisi: honestly, the pizza here's better.
Amaro: all New York City pizza sucks.
* old friend at the police station: why are you down here in Atlanta?
Rollins: business. and it's none of your business.
old friend: sorry, i really called you cos the divorce is final.
Rollins: i know, she's with me now.
old friend: wait, what?
* black girl: all i'm sayin' is make the bribes equal, that's all. isn't this what post-racial Obama society is all about?
Barba: somehow i don't think this is what Martin Luther King, Jr. meant.
black girl: that's a nice suit and tie you got on there.
Barba: thank you, i'm white, i mean i'm a lawyer.
* Carisi: whoa, boss, you can read lips?
Liv: of course, i am a superwoman.
Carisi: okay, what am i mouthing now?
Liv: for your sake it better be olive juice.
* Barba: haven't i seen you somewhere before, judge?
(Sandy Duncan flies away.)
Monday, September 29, 2014
Saturday Night Live Chris Pratt / Ariana Grande episode discussion
learned:
* do I have to keep doing these?
* no, seriously, I mean if I got paid that'd be one thing...AV Club TV Club, call me.
* Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, whatcha think about that?
* Anna Faris lets us into their bedroom.
* Ariana Grande was not doing She-Ra, she was doing Cat Valentine. I can't hate on her second song, though, that groovy beat was grooving.
* MORE LESLIE JONES!
* I'd go down on a guy for eternal life in Heaven. (it's the reverse of selling your soul to Satan.)
* I usually think adding raunchy sex to something makes it better, but the He-Man skit and video-game-tester skit have proven me wrong.
* if Marvel owned Star Wars: Darth Hulk, Tony Stark rejects the Force cos he only believes in science, and Leia ditches the slave-girl bra for a more empowering tight black leather catsuit from Black Widow.
* no, no, no, Cecily Strong as the one and only Weekend Update anchor. replace Kenan with Che, and have Jost be the Cute Guy At The Party Who's Just There. that wasn't difficult, was it?
* goodnight, Magical Unique Voice Never To Be Duplicated Again.
* do I have to keep doing these?
* no, seriously, I mean if I got paid that'd be one thing...AV Club TV Club, call me.
* Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, whatcha think about that?
* Anna Faris lets us into their bedroom.
* Ariana Grande was not doing She-Ra, she was doing Cat Valentine. I can't hate on her second song, though, that groovy beat was grooving.
* MORE LESLIE JONES!
* I'd go down on a guy for eternal life in Heaven. (it's the reverse of selling your soul to Satan.)
* I usually think adding raunchy sex to something makes it better, but the He-Man skit and video-game-tester skit have proven me wrong.
* if Marvel owned Star Wars: Darth Hulk, Tony Stark rejects the Force cos he only believes in science, and Leia ditches the slave-girl bra for a more empowering tight black leather catsuit from Black Widow.
* no, no, no, Cecily Strong as the one and only Weekend Update anchor. replace Kenan with Che, and have Jost be the Cute Guy At The Party Who's Just There. that wasn't difficult, was it?
* goodnight, Magical Unique Voice Never To Be Duplicated Again.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Girls Disappeared" Episode Discussion
learned:
* do i have to keep doing this?
* no, really, i mean what's the point? what's the point of this show continuing?
* Carisi: i'm the new kid on the block, you can tell from my heavy heavy New York accent.
Liv: i wanted an empath.
Carisi: i fucked Counselor Troi once, does that count?
Liv: why have you been fired 4 times?
Carisi: they were all jealous Star Trek nerds. and they couldn't understand me what with my heavy heavy New York accent.
* Carisi: listen, baby, you're a whore! we're trying to save your life here! it's either life---us---or death--- going back to your organizaton. it seems pretty black and white. choose. choose now!
girl: that's racist. i'm not a whore. i mean i am, but...
Liv: Carisi, what the fuck was that in there?
Carisi: don't worry, boss, i got this, i have a degree in psychology i printed up from the internet.
* Liv: where's my baby?
babysitter: i thought we'd get some fresh air outside. we're outside.
Liv: outside? are you crazy? from now on, my kid is to stay inside, playing video games forever.
* Amaro: so, we got a deal?
thug: sure, sure.
Amaro: let me have your pizza slice there to seal the deal........ew! this tastes like shit! did you spike this, you traitor?!
thug: no, it's just New York pizza, it tastes like cardboard.
* Liv: hey Carisi, back there when you were pretending to solicit the prostitute, you were scarily realistic wanting the rough sex.
Carisi: i wasn't acting back there, boss.
Liv: first thing when we get back, you're fired. and i'm placing a call to Counselor Troi.
* do i have to keep doing this?
* no, really, i mean what's the point? what's the point of this show continuing?
* Carisi: i'm the new kid on the block, you can tell from my heavy heavy New York accent.
Liv: i wanted an empath.
Carisi: i fucked Counselor Troi once, does that count?
Liv: why have you been fired 4 times?
Carisi: they were all jealous Star Trek nerds. and they couldn't understand me what with my heavy heavy New York accent.
* Carisi: listen, baby, you're a whore! we're trying to save your life here! it's either life---us---or death--- going back to your organizaton. it seems pretty black and white. choose. choose now!
girl: that's racist. i'm not a whore. i mean i am, but...
Liv: Carisi, what the fuck was that in there?
Carisi: don't worry, boss, i got this, i have a degree in psychology i printed up from the internet.
* Liv: where's my baby?
babysitter: i thought we'd get some fresh air outside. we're outside.
Liv: outside? are you crazy? from now on, my kid is to stay inside, playing video games forever.
* Amaro: so, we got a deal?
thug: sure, sure.
Amaro: let me have your pizza slice there to seal the deal........ew! this tastes like shit! did you spike this, you traitor?!
thug: no, it's just New York pizza, it tastes like cardboard.
* Liv: hey Carisi, back there when you were pretending to solicit the prostitute, you were scarily realistic wanting the rough sex.
Carisi: i wasn't acting back there, boss.
Liv: first thing when we get back, you're fired. and i'm placing a call to Counselor Troi.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Degrassi "Thunderstruck" Episode Discussion
learned:
* confession time: AC/DC were one of those bands I never got when I was young. all of my friends raved about them, so I finally listened to a sample tape, and......nothing. they've never done anything for me, they haven't stirred my soul and burst my heart the way Nirvana, NIN, and the Pumpkins do. I can appreciate that they are historic, but, y'know, that's about it. I mean, I like shorts and all.....well I did when I was younger, I only wear pants now.
* Chewy: so what, you're gay now? bi?
Miles: I'm just a dude having fun, riding a hedonistic wave of uncertain pleasure, puddle-jumping like Johnny Manziel, seeking my next high. Bieber is my BFF.
Chewy: that's the problem, man, you hurt everyone you love, and I thought I was your BFF.
Miles: hey Chewy, you're dead.
Miles shoots Chewy.
Miles: Degrassi just got real again, motherfuckers!
* Zoe: strip.
Maya: so you can ruin my life online again, you bitch?!
Zoe: no, so you won't catch cold. and honestly I want to compare boobs.
Maya: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Zoe: um, no, you stole my boyfriend.
Maya: that's true. so, know any '80s theme songs?
Zoe: no, why would I?
* Eli: I promise, you breaking up with me freed me, I could walk the streets of New York alone, getting lonelier and lonelier.
Clare: but you fucked Lenore, right? I mean, her name is Lenore!
Eli: the goth side of me was tempted, but she was no Eclare. nothing will ever be as epic as Eclare: the Twilight of it, the hearse, the all-time opposites-attract of it, that one time I went crazy...
Clare: I'm not your soul mate, Eli, Paint Girl is.
Eli: I know, right? where the hell did she go? do you want to eat my hot dog?
Clare: what?
later, in Eli's dorm room:
Eli: don't worry, we'll sleep in the same bed but head-to-feet.
Clare: our body parts are aligned perfectly for coitus.
* Becky: did you fart?
Drew: depends, is this a comedy or a drama?
Becky: drama.
Drew: then no, it's deadly methane gas.
Drew breaks the wheel trying to turn it.
Drew: now it's a comedy.
* college-admissions lady: Clare, you are an IMPRESSIVE young woman. I can tell you have BIG plans. you're ready to get out there into the world and MILK it for all it's worth.
Clare: stop staring at my tits!
* Clare on the phone:
Clare: hello? this is she. am I okay? oh good, that's a relief.
Clare hangs up the phone.
* confession time: AC/DC were one of those bands I never got when I was young. all of my friends raved about them, so I finally listened to a sample tape, and......nothing. they've never done anything for me, they haven't stirred my soul and burst my heart the way Nirvana, NIN, and the Pumpkins do. I can appreciate that they are historic, but, y'know, that's about it. I mean, I like shorts and all.....well I did when I was younger, I only wear pants now.
* Chewy: so what, you're gay now? bi?
Miles: I'm just a dude having fun, riding a hedonistic wave of uncertain pleasure, puddle-jumping like Johnny Manziel, seeking my next high. Bieber is my BFF.
Chewy: that's the problem, man, you hurt everyone you love, and I thought I was your BFF.
Miles: hey Chewy, you're dead.
Miles shoots Chewy.
Miles: Degrassi just got real again, motherfuckers!
* Zoe: strip.
Maya: so you can ruin my life online again, you bitch?!
Zoe: no, so you won't catch cold. and honestly I want to compare boobs.
Maya: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Zoe: um, no, you stole my boyfriend.
Maya: that's true. so, know any '80s theme songs?
Zoe: no, why would I?
* Eli: I promise, you breaking up with me freed me, I could walk the streets of New York alone, getting lonelier and lonelier.
Clare: but you fucked Lenore, right? I mean, her name is Lenore!
Eli: the goth side of me was tempted, but she was no Eclare. nothing will ever be as epic as Eclare: the Twilight of it, the hearse, the all-time opposites-attract of it, that one time I went crazy...
Clare: I'm not your soul mate, Eli, Paint Girl is.
Eli: I know, right? where the hell did she go? do you want to eat my hot dog?
Clare: what?
later, in Eli's dorm room:
Eli: don't worry, we'll sleep in the same bed but head-to-feet.
Clare: our body parts are aligned perfectly for coitus.
* Becky: did you fart?
Drew: depends, is this a comedy or a drama?
Becky: drama.
Drew: then no, it's deadly methane gas.
Drew breaks the wheel trying to turn it.
Drew: now it's a comedy.
* college-admissions lady: Clare, you are an IMPRESSIVE young woman. I can tell you have BIG plans. you're ready to get out there into the world and MILK it for all it's worth.
Clare: stop staring at my tits!
* Clare on the phone:
Clare: hello? this is she. am I okay? oh good, that's a relief.
Clare hangs up the phone.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Degrassi "Believe, Part 2" Episode Discussion
learned:
* personally, I don't believe in life after love.
* Becky: is that a bear? a woodsman? a witch?
Drew: I'm confused, which color bear do you lie down in front of?
Becky: Drew! save us and I'm yours.
Drew: right...shoot the woodsman, eat the witch's apple, pour honey all over your naked body, got it.
Becky: don't bears love honey?
Drew: that's only in cartoons.
Becky: oh look, it was just my mother.......
Becky runs away.
* Zoe starts to sing out loud in front of the class.
Perino: Zoe, this isn't the Buffy musical episode yet. wait for your Vegas special.
* Chewy: you want me to perjure myself on the stand?
Miles: I don't know what that word means, but you have to lie!
Chewy: why?
Miles: it's for young love, that's the most important thing in the world, parents just don't understand.
Chewy: that makes sense. prison doesn't seem so bad now. Will Smith has a way of putting things in perspective.
* Zoe: I'm going to kill myself.
Zig: but there's no coming back from that. it gets better. give me the pills.
Zoe: sweet.
Zig: I know I am.
Zoe: no, I meant the candy. these aren't pills, they're large white mints. and what I meant was that the mints are to die for.
Zig: we're gonna make a cute couple. what's our ship name?
Zoe: either Zivas or Zzig or Zzoe or Zovak.
Zig: how about just zzzzzzzzzzzzz?
Zoe: huh? did you say something? I was dozing off.
* Tristan: want me to tweet out this selfie of you alone in the courtroom?
Zoe: no. and I'm not alone, you're here. and it's not a selfie, you took it.
Tristan: it's already trending.
Zoe: I told you not to tweet it!
Tristan: you now have more followers than Gaga.
Zoe jumps up into the air.
Zoe: yeah, bitch! how does THAT taste, you Madonna wannabe?!
* personally, I don't believe in life after love.
* Becky: is that a bear? a woodsman? a witch?
Drew: I'm confused, which color bear do you lie down in front of?
Becky: Drew! save us and I'm yours.
Drew: right...shoot the woodsman, eat the witch's apple, pour honey all over your naked body, got it.
Becky: don't bears love honey?
Drew: that's only in cartoons.
Becky: oh look, it was just my mother.......
Becky runs away.
* Zoe starts to sing out loud in front of the class.
Perino: Zoe, this isn't the Buffy musical episode yet. wait for your Vegas special.
* Chewy: you want me to perjure myself on the stand?
Miles: I don't know what that word means, but you have to lie!
Chewy: why?
Miles: it's for young love, that's the most important thing in the world, parents just don't understand.
Chewy: that makes sense. prison doesn't seem so bad now. Will Smith has a way of putting things in perspective.
* Zoe: I'm going to kill myself.
Zig: but there's no coming back from that. it gets better. give me the pills.
Zoe: sweet.
Zig: I know I am.
Zoe: no, I meant the candy. these aren't pills, they're large white mints. and what I meant was that the mints are to die for.
Zig: we're gonna make a cute couple. what's our ship name?
Zoe: either Zivas or Zzig or Zzoe or Zovak.
Zig: how about just zzzzzzzzzzzzz?
Zoe: huh? did you say something? I was dozing off.
* Tristan: want me to tweet out this selfie of you alone in the courtroom?
Zoe: no. and I'm not alone, you're here. and it's not a selfie, you took it.
Tristan: it's already trending.
Zoe: I told you not to tweet it!
Tristan: you now have more followers than Gaga.
Zoe jumps up into the air.
Zoe: yeah, bitch! how does THAT taste, you Madonna wannabe?!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Degrassi "Believe, Part 1" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Becky: are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: not if I want to be disbarred.
Becky: so I repeat, are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: yes, lie. I hate being a lawyer, that was my mother's dream, I wanted to be an artist.
Becky's mom: yes, Becky, lie.
* Perino: can anyone tell me what this object is?
Becky: what about all the drama happening outside, Mr. Perino?
Perino: wrong answer, it's called a compass. drama won't get you into college.
Becky: didn't Saved By The Bell have College Years?
* Maya: Zig, I hate to admit it to myself, but somehow I still like Miles.
Zig: oh Maya, oh sweet sweet Maya, it is possible to resist you, you know.
Maya walks away...
Zig: but not dat ass, damn!
* Vince: time for you to continue doing jobs.
Zig: I don't sell anymore, fam, I cook.
Vince: meth?
Zig: what? no! onions and stuff.
Vince: you must have onions if you think it would be that easy to quit the life. you should have gone to Florida.
Zig: oh yeah? what's in Florida?
Vince: like bath salts and stuff.
* Becky: declination, ever heard of it?
Drew: actually no, I'm a dumb jock, my brother always said so.
Becky: great! I hadn't thought about Adam's tragic death in ages, thanks a lot!
Drew: I'm only on this show to hook up with literally every girl at Degrassi. you're next.
* Becky: are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: not if I want to be disbarred.
Becky: so I repeat, are you telling me to lie?
female lawyer: yes, lie. I hate being a lawyer, that was my mother's dream, I wanted to be an artist.
Becky's mom: yes, Becky, lie.
* Perino: can anyone tell me what this object is?
Becky: what about all the drama happening outside, Mr. Perino?
Perino: wrong answer, it's called a compass. drama won't get you into college.
Becky: didn't Saved By The Bell have College Years?
* Maya: Zig, I hate to admit it to myself, but somehow I still like Miles.
Zig: oh Maya, oh sweet sweet Maya, it is possible to resist you, you know.
Maya walks away...
Zig: but not dat ass, damn!
* Vince: time for you to continue doing jobs.
Zig: I don't sell anymore, fam, I cook.
Vince: meth?
Zig: what? no! onions and stuff.
Vince: you must have onions if you think it would be that easy to quit the life. you should have gone to Florida.
Zig: oh yeah? what's in Florida?
Vince: like bath salts and stuff.
* Becky: declination, ever heard of it?
Drew: actually no, I'm a dumb jock, my brother always said so.
Becky: great! I hadn't thought about Adam's tragic death in ages, thanks a lot!
Drew: I'm only on this show to hook up with literally every girl at Degrassi. you're next.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Degrassi "Out of My Head" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Tristan: why is there a strange woman taking notes in the room with us?
Simpson: she's the director of this episode. did that creepy teacher touch you?
Tristan: yes. i liked it.
Simpson: did he make you do things? cum in mouth? anal?
Tristan: I'm not talking.
Simpson: spit roast? any form of sanchez?
* Tristan: why is your dress a whole bunch of tampons?
Zoe: Imogen said it'd be like that cool thing TLC did with condoms, but with tampons.
Tristan: what's TLC?
Zoe: a tv channel.
* Frankie: why'd you call me a monster, bitch?
Chewy: I didn't, bitch, I called you Frankenstein, it's a play on your name. what do you think of that, bitch?
Frankie: yeah? how'd you like it if I called you Chewbacca, bitch?
Chewy: I'd growl cos that is who I am in the sack, that's why I'm your bae.
Frankie: fuck, you pretty dangerous for a dork.
Chewy: I'm the dork with the ding-dong dick that's gonna wreck dat ass tonite.
* Jack: wait, this whole mess was cos you thought I meant "nice" to mean "not nice."
Imogen: yep.
Jack: nice.
Imogen: so what did you mean just there?
Jack: my sweet lesbian lover, have you ever heard of the classic sitcom misunderstanding?
Imogen shakes her head.
Jack: I'll lend you some of my Three's Company DVDs.
* Tristan: I hate you, you slut!
Maya: whoa, snitch I can understand, but slut?
Tristan: I can see your entire belly. the '80s called, they want that shirt back.
Maya: ah, the '80s, back when this show still mattered.
Tristan: you're dead to me.
Maya: you'll thank me later. and I'm not a slut. belly, yes, belly-button ring, not yet.
Tristan: what about Cam, Miles, Zig, and every other boy at this school?
Maya: I thought you weren't talking to me. anyway, I can't help it if they like me. it's a moot point, Drew is my future husband.
* Tristan: why is there a strange woman taking notes in the room with us?
Simpson: she's the director of this episode. did that creepy teacher touch you?
Tristan: yes. i liked it.
Simpson: did he make you do things? cum in mouth? anal?
Tristan: I'm not talking.
Simpson: spit roast? any form of sanchez?
* Tristan: why is your dress a whole bunch of tampons?
Zoe: Imogen said it'd be like that cool thing TLC did with condoms, but with tampons.
Tristan: what's TLC?
Zoe: a tv channel.
* Frankie: why'd you call me a monster, bitch?
Chewy: I didn't, bitch, I called you Frankenstein, it's a play on your name. what do you think of that, bitch?
Frankie: yeah? how'd you like it if I called you Chewbacca, bitch?
Chewy: I'd growl cos that is who I am in the sack, that's why I'm your bae.
Frankie: fuck, you pretty dangerous for a dork.
Chewy: I'm the dork with the ding-dong dick that's gonna wreck dat ass tonite.
* Jack: wait, this whole mess was cos you thought I meant "nice" to mean "not nice."
Imogen: yep.
Jack: nice.
Imogen: so what did you mean just there?
Jack: my sweet lesbian lover, have you ever heard of the classic sitcom misunderstanding?
Imogen shakes her head.
Jack: I'll lend you some of my Three's Company DVDs.
* Tristan: I hate you, you slut!
Maya: whoa, snitch I can understand, but slut?
Tristan: I can see your entire belly. the '80s called, they want that shirt back.
Maya: ah, the '80s, back when this show still mattered.
Tristan: you're dead to me.
Maya: you'll thank me later. and I'm not a slut. belly, yes, belly-button ring, not yet.
Tristan: what about Cam, Miles, Zig, and every other boy at this school?
Maya: I thought you weren't talking to me. anyway, I can't help it if they like me. it's a moot point, Drew is my future husband.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Degrassi "Hypnotize" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Frankie: Mom, I'm ugly.
Mom: no, honey, you're hot, and I'm not just saying that cos I'm your mom. take a look around our home and the Degrassi school and the city and its surrounding suburbs and our universe in general, have you noticed something? every single person you meet is a babe, there's not a scary-looking runt in the entire global litter. it's very unsettling.
* Tristan (lip-synching): we are Degrassi,
we go there.
well, we used to,
back in the '80s
and the first wave of this New Generation,
but now we're just a teen soap for girls,
by the way, when did this show become just for girls?
it was once a good high-school drama for all.
Degrassi, once great, how the mighty have fallen.
Skins UK, come back, every teenager is calling.
* Tristan: I'm mature, but this is still creepy.
Mr. Yates: would it help if I replaced the absinthe with orange juice?
* black girl: everyone wants to bed Jack, she's smoking! literally.
Imogen: pot is bad, but I want a girlfriend badder.
Jack: worse. you're cute and you're dressed as an indie Minnie Mouse so I'll let that one slide. was it worth it now that I'm yours?
Imogen: no. all I crave now are nachos. I hate nachos.
* Jack: open your mouth.
Imogen: you sound exactly like a guy I used to fuck.
Jack: I'm gonna fill your mouth with smoke. it's like the other stuff except less gross and less healthy.
* Frankie: Mom, I'm ugly.
Mom: no, honey, you're hot, and I'm not just saying that cos I'm your mom. take a look around our home and the Degrassi school and the city and its surrounding suburbs and our universe in general, have you noticed something? every single person you meet is a babe, there's not a scary-looking runt in the entire global litter. it's very unsettling.
* Tristan (lip-synching): we are Degrassi,
we go there.
well, we used to,
back in the '80s
and the first wave of this New Generation,
but now we're just a teen soap for girls,
by the way, when did this show become just for girls?
it was once a good high-school drama for all.
Degrassi, once great, how the mighty have fallen.
Skins UK, come back, every teenager is calling.
* Tristan: I'm mature, but this is still creepy.
Mr. Yates: would it help if I replaced the absinthe with orange juice?
* black girl: everyone wants to bed Jack, she's smoking! literally.
Imogen: pot is bad, but I want a girlfriend badder.
Jack: worse. you're cute and you're dressed as an indie Minnie Mouse so I'll let that one slide. was it worth it now that I'm yours?
Imogen: no. all I crave now are nachos. I hate nachos.
* Jack: open your mouth.
Imogen: you sound exactly like a guy I used to fuck.
Jack: I'm gonna fill your mouth with smoke. it's like the other stuff except less gross and less healthy.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Degrassi "My Hero" Episode Discussion
learned:
* great British sitcom.
* Becky: he's not a perv. I'm the perv.
Imogen: that's flippin' the script.
Becky: worse, though, all of this fighting dragons and trolls and wizards and sorcery goes against my religion.
the Niner: how could you do this to me? the whole point is that IRL sucks and all that matters is the fantasy.
Becky: kid, you saw my white panties and bra, now scram.
* Zig: I'm caramelizing the onions.
Maya: I'll caramelize your onions.
Zig: I'm now roasting the onions.
Maya: ooh baby I'll roast your onions.
Zig: sounds painful.
* Zig: and for the main course, we have spaghetti and a spicy meatball.
Mom: I forgive you, son, I don't care about this whole cooking charade you have going here.
Zig: no, it's real, I really enjoy being a chef.
Mom: yuck! fuck me, this tastes like a dog's dinner!
* Drew: I want your D.
Dallas: see what you did there?
Drew: yep, heard it the minute I said it. I should have been more specific. I want your donut.
Dallas: uh, sure, but, seriously?
* Becky: so I'm still part of the family?
Mom: of course you are, honey, you're my flesh and blood, I'd do anything for you, I'd die for you.
Becky: but I can't testify for my brother...
Mom: I don't love you anymore, you bitch, I never did, I wish I never had you! you're dead to me! Becky who? Becky who?!!!
* great British sitcom.
* Becky: he's not a perv. I'm the perv.
Imogen: that's flippin' the script.
Becky: worse, though, all of this fighting dragons and trolls and wizards and sorcery goes against my religion.
the Niner: how could you do this to me? the whole point is that IRL sucks and all that matters is the fantasy.
Becky: kid, you saw my white panties and bra, now scram.
* Zig: I'm caramelizing the onions.
Maya: I'll caramelize your onions.
Zig: I'm now roasting the onions.
Maya: ooh baby I'll roast your onions.
Zig: sounds painful.
* Zig: and for the main course, we have spaghetti and a spicy meatball.
Mom: I forgive you, son, I don't care about this whole cooking charade you have going here.
Zig: no, it's real, I really enjoy being a chef.
Mom: yuck! fuck me, this tastes like a dog's dinner!
* Drew: I want your D.
Dallas: see what you did there?
Drew: yep, heard it the minute I said it. I should have been more specific. I want your donut.
Dallas: uh, sure, but, seriously?
* Becky: so I'm still part of the family?
Mom: of course you are, honey, you're my flesh and blood, I'd do anything for you, I'd die for you.
Becky: but I can't testify for my brother...
Mom: I don't love you anymore, you bitch, I never did, I wish I never had you! you're dead to me! Becky who? Becky who?!!!
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