Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Abrakadanger"

learned:

* come on! Abrakadanger? this was your one chance to name a Power Rangers episode with a tennis title. this opportunity will never come again.

* Principal: this strange metallic package came for you. at your school address, not your home address.
Preston: LOOT CRATE!
Principal: no, it's anthrax.
Preston: no, that's next week's villain.

* i play tennis. well i did. trust me, tennis players don't have muscles.

* Calvin: i never knew you played tennis.
Hayley: neither did i.

* the writers finally got around to seeing Harry Potter.

* the writers finally got around to seeing Star Wars.

* Mick: don't look at the back of the book for the answers.
Preston: but that's where the Dean Koontz blurb is.

* Sarah: hey Princess Viera, when are you coming back?
Viera: after the hiatus...

* Preston: my wand looks like a crowbar. i'm bad to the bone. i'm like Jeremy Lin.

* Preston: i can make things disappear!
Sarah: why are you pointing your wand at my crotch?

* Hayley: NOOOO! why'd you make me invisible?!
Chip Lynne: we can't afford to pay you anymore. we had to cut down on your appearance fees.

* Zoe Robins: you're replacing me with a flying white towel? i know what that's code for. i quit!

* Calvin: here, i took my pants off for you.

* Mick: i've got it! the perfect disguise for you, Hayley. you can wear your White Ranger uniform!

* Abrakadanger turns two foot soldiers into balloons.
Chip Lynne: you killed them. there were people in those costumes.

* Principal: we are gathered here on this hot 100-degree day and i still have my jacket on. why do we have a chair umpire for high-school tennis? and why the fuck does that chair umpire get an umbrella and i don't!

* tennis contest?

* Victor: what are you wearing? a welder's mask?
Hayley: eclipse glasses.

* Victor: i'm Isner, all i've got is a fast serve.

* Calvin: alright honey, this is your new racquet. we blew the entire budget of the show on this. if you break it, you have nothing. we can't use CGI anymore for the rest of the season.

* the school: *screaming* SHE HAS NO HEAD!
Principal: wait. it could just be a camera trick. bad CGI. let me put on my glasses to confirm.

* Preston: do the dab.
Hayley: but i can't see.
Preston: that's the point. you do the dab so you can't see.

* take 1
Victor: THAT'S NOT A ROBOT ARM!!! THAT'S MY REAL ARM!!! TOO MUCH STEROIDS!!!

* take 2
Hayley: how can you serve a real fireball?
Victor: i'm the new Ranger. i'm replacing Redbot.
Redbot: i'm a better actor than you and i can't use my face.

* Levi: he tossed me clear across the country. i'm in New Jersey.
Chip Lynne: goodbye, Levi, you're off the show.

* Preston: rubber duckie? a floating potted plant? what is this, Sesame Street?

* Mick: i think i'll take up tennis and become a pro in one day.
Preston: that's what Federer did.
Mick: ah yes, but Roger didn't use magic. Roger is a religious experience.

* Preston: i am determined not to cheat. i'm not gonna take any shortcuts anymore. burn the CliffsNotes. this is gonna take some time.
Hayley: how long?
Preston: until after the hiatus.

* Preston: i can turn anything into food? we can use this power to solve world hunger.
Chip Lynne: no, just use it to feed the staff.

* Redbot: hey, you just used a green wig, that's not a real hair spell, you're cheating!

* Mick: never use the Impenetrable Barrier spell. it's black magic. only one dark wizard has ever attempted it.
Preston: what happened to this dark wizard?
Mick: there was this whole thing with the Electoral College...

*  return all tools by Lent

* Abrakadanger: they were turtles all along?
Chip Lynne: Budweiser dropped us. they said i needed a sponsor for my drinking. are you guys ready for a Super Team-Up with TMNT again?

* Brody: this is gonna be epic!
Preston: nothing is epic anymore in the internet age.

* the writers finally got around to seeing Kiki's Delivery Service.
Chip Lynne: pantsu.

* Sarah: all that matters is that you look good in that babydol tennis dress, girl.

* Hayley: so i just keep serving till i win the game?
Victor: no actually i'm supposed to hit the ball back.

* Victor: what surface is this tennis court?
Principal: poo.

* Monty: if you're not first you're last.
Victor: i got 2nd Place. the ratings came in this week, Monty. this is the lowest-rated Power Rangers show of all time. do you know who the fans are blaming? us two. they want to kill Victor and Monty. i'm gonna start drinking again. you couldn't have given me a win this week, writers?

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Adventures of Redbot"

learned:

* Chip Lynne: i remember it like it was yesterday. Redbot threatened to leave the set if he wasn't compensated. he wanted more money than even Chrysti Ane makes per. we renegotiated just in time. otherwise we would have gone a whole year without new Power Rangers.

* gotta love this show. this is a recap episode. but it's not really a recap episode. you know?

* Levi: hey Redbot, notice me right here next to you shadowboxing...

* Redbot: i've taken the plunge! i have a blog now like the rest of the billion humans out there!
Levi: a thousand followers? no blogspot has a thousand followers!

* Levi: hey Redbot, you shouldn't embellish. keep your stories completely truthful. even a fib told in fun can come back to bite you on your shiny metal ass.
Redbot: like how you pretended to be Aiden all those years?

* Redbot: don't worry, i've kept all the Ranger identities a secret. but it's okay to trash the fuck out of Mick on here, right?
Levi: oh yeah, get revenge on your boss.
Redbot: the internet is the best.

* Mick: nothing to see here. just my dumb robot.
Redbot: keep it up, Mick. i know your last name isn't Kanic. that was just a play on the word mechanic. just wait till i get back to my blog.

* fan: hello there, Redbot! i'm dressed as Sherlock Holmes for some reason.

* Sherlock Holmes: i'm a big Hollywood director. Bob Lucas, nice to meet you. signature here and sign your life away. look, let's face it, after this show you were gonna be turned into scrap metal.

* Victor: DO NOT SIGN THAT!!! we won't sign without a rider. TWO WORDS: GREEN M&MS.
Monty: that's technically five words.

* Galvanax: you chumps are staring at a blog? that's not how to use the internet. i got the good stuff behind this paywall.
Cosmo: cat videos?
Galvanax: let's just say The Fappening has a Madame Odius page.

* Henrietta Pussycat: meow moew. i'm the villain this week. meow meow.

* Rangers: hey look, it's Mary! our biggest fan! hi, Mary.
Mary gives the Rangers the finger.

* Hayley: okay, Cody, stay here till the plot warrants. that's why the villain is a cat.
Cody: i better be getting paid more than you for this humiliation.

* Rangers: GET AWAY FROM THOSE BOOKS!!!
foot soldiers: what are books?

* Henrietta: once they touch these books, they'll freeze to death. what we're saying to kids is reading is a bad thing.

* dat ass (on that camerawoman)

* Redbot: whoa! i just realized this. i can't believe i'm saying this but Hayley actually has a phatter ass than Chrysti Ane!

* R.I.P. Adam West (no relation to Levi)

* Mary: oh yeah, that time there was that earthquake and all the screaming concertgoers and the stadium cracking in half. yeah, it's still too soon.

* Victor: i wonder what Pick Boy is doing now. besides those cringey Super Bowl spots. ah, U-Pick Live. i remember it like it was yesterday. Candace Bailey was still innocent back then...

* Mick: Redbot! how could you lie like this! who created you?
Redbot: Brian Williams.

* Redbot: your spell won't work on me! i'm a robot.
Henrietta: i'm a cat man. i win.

* Henrietta: i won't say how to defeat me.
*awkward pause*
Brody: you have to or there's no show. i certainly won't be figuring it out.

* Levi: LOOK!
Redbot: at Mary and the speeding locomotive barreling towards her silent-movie-style?
Levi: no, that beautiful old water tower. so West.

* Mary: you are a hero!
Redbot: bad news, kid. this is the one time we didn't use CGI. you're really high up in the clouds.
Mary screams.

* Sarah uses her fire sword.
Preston: hey, you can't use the fire sword. too soon.

* Calvin: don't do it. i like cats.

* Hayley: bite him on his ass, Kodiak!

* Henrietta: ew! Babar just sneezed on me! never meet your heroes.

* Galvanax: believe me, i'm doing you a favor. the more you stay online, the more antisocial you'll become. it's all a fantasy. your followers aren't your friends.

* Sherlock Holmes: i am shocked, SHOCKED! about the falsehoods and the gambling. recycling. i knew we'd squeeze in a positive message.

* Mary: if it wasn't for Redbot, i wouldn't be here.
Redbot: can you say dead on a kid's show?

* Redbot: i wrote this script. i can't wait to get back from Hollywood a huge success and rub it in all my doubters' faces. fuck you, Hayley.
Hayley says something.
Redbot: whoa. i never knew you had a New Zealand accent.

* Mick: *reading Redbot's blog* Mick Kanic is a furry... what? that's not true!
Redbot: you got the Lion-O hair and eyebrows tho.

Justice League Action "Harley Goes Ape!"

learned:

* not a commentary on inner-city crime

* but indeed a commentary on animal cruelty

* i miss Alice.

* Gorilla Grodd: Titano, turn the way i want. Titano, i should have just wired my brain directly to yours and avoided the middle man.

* Grodd: who needs gangs? notice i call him a chimp cos i'm superior. you know you're feeling it when you use one of those swirly straws.

* Superman: there are distinctions between monkeys. including humans.

* Grodd: Titano, look up in the sky. it's a bird, it's a plane...
Titano: that no bird. that no plane.

* Grodd: DESTROY HIM, TITANO!
Titano: i'd rather think about things.

* Stargirl: this place is a ghost town. well it is Halloween. i wonder what Firestorm dressed up as?

* Harley: scatting and waltzing, my first loves. i shoulda been in show biz.

* Stargirl: i'm making a citizen's arrest!
Harley: Yankee Poodle...
Stargirl: that should have been my name, more imaginative.

* Harley: i'm kissing you. on a kid's show. i don't like you. i'm just messing with your head. psychological warfare. let the crack ship commence.

* Harley: i'm your best friend!
Grodd: and you are?
Harley: a cool character who got damaged and sexualized through the years to ridiculousness. now i'm more of a symbol of abuse in a relationship.
Grodd: hey what happened to your voice? i like the original voice better.

* Harley: it's me, Titano, Harleen! remember our song and dance? this was back when Barney was popular.

* Grodd: cease that racist song at once, human! i mean, clown!

* Harley: who are you?
Superman: relax, Harley, it's me. don't know why i didn't think of this iron suit like 50 years ago. could have saved me decades of pain and defeats.

* Cartoon Network executive: no science. action only. we are not that new Spider-Man cartoon.

* Harley: the Powerpuff Girls show is not going too well, huh?
Stargirl: it started off strong. but faded.

* Harley: before i was a shrink i was an animal shrink. i was a strong independent woman...

* in hammock together
Harley: i love you, Titano
tiny Titano: i love you, mommy.
Harley: you're going to be my only child. i don't have the best luck with men.

* Harley: *crying* if it wasn't for that kryptonite meteor, i wouldn't have seen Titano again. he'd still be flying in space to galactic dimensions unknown right now as we speak.
Superman: luckily he did crash into that kryptonite meteor. that was the last kryptonite meteor flying around in space.

* Harley: *blows nose* thank you. here's your used tissue back.
Stargirl: that's my miniskirt.

* btw, isn't keeping a used mucusy handerchief around with you in your pocket unsanitary?

* Pa Kent: hi Clark.

Pa Kent: bye Clark. Ma Clark's dead.

* Harley: headshots in a kid's cartoon? too violent.
Stargirl: my Favorability Rating just plummeted.

* Titano: i'm gonna throw you right into a speeding police van that's how smart i am.

* Stargirl: i could stop you right now with my wand but there's still two minutes left. commence the King Kong tribute!

* Harley: save that Y on the TOY sign, Titano, that Red Baron plane could come in handy.

* command voice: take the shot.
helicopter pilot: whose voice is this?
command voice: Lois Lane.

* Harley: now i'm jealous. maybe if i went back to being blonde...

* Grodd: fog of war...
Harley: tell me all about it. before we start i am legally obligated to inform you i am not a licensed therapist.
Grodd: you're not gonna sing to me, are you?
Harley: oh no.
Grodd: cos i'd like you to.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Monkey Business"

learned:

* not about Trump

* Calvin: a vulnerable woman shouldn't be walking the mean streets alone.
Hayley: very funny. i'm a Ranger, remember? where were you? you were supposed to pick me up.
Calvin: didn't you say once you loved me for my absentmindedness?
Hayley: yeah but after Jerry Lewis died it's just not the same.

* monkey monster: they blew the budget with my costume. i'm a monkey with flappy ears with the body of a phone only your parents would understand.
Chip Lynne: those aren't ears.

* Sarah: never realized how short i was till now.
Preston: yo Calvin, if you don't treat yo girl right i'm stealing her.
Principal: hello, i'm here to start the plot. I wonder if an episode will delve into my personal life.

* Calvin: i'll be a better Student Body President than you.
Hayley: but i can fuck better than you.

* Victor: this is my chance to hold onto power forever. i'm running on a platform of cancelling all future elections.
Monty: modern history is so interesting.

* Principal: oh and Sarah, get your fat ass off the desk.
Sarah: jealous of my ass?
Principal: at least i'm married. he put a ring on this cow before i spilled the milk.

* Monkey: now that i can imitate all the Rangers' voices i'll make a killing on those lucrative Power Rangers video games!

* Monkey: and i would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids' bikes.

* Calvin: my poster's bigger than yours.
Hayley: but my **** is bigger than yours. plus, your poster says Big Brother.
Calvin: at least i don't have to use bad CGI on my balloon.

* Calvin: hello everyone, class, can you turn the music down? i want to pick up this mic not to drop it but to let you all know i care. i'm using my inside voice. cos we're inside. you trust this voice. make sure to vote twice. i can fix things. i'll fix your heart, girl.
Hayley: that was really sincere. are you sure you're not doing this just to spite me?
Calvin: i spit fire for you, girl. wanna fuck after school on the Principal's desk?
Hayley: sure.
Calvin: can't. can only give you a kiss on the cheek. kid's show.
Hayley: oh yeah, i keep forgetting we're not on 90210.

* Hayley: cupcakes? but that's my grandmother's recipe.
Calvin: sure is. and it tastes oh so fine.
Hayley: you don't understand. my grandmother was part of the struggle. it was for white landowners. she put **** in it.

* Victor: dammit, Monty, this isn't hot sauce, it's strawberry sauce.

* Principal: look at this mess! it's perfect for the porn we're shooting here later tonight!

* Monkey: i heard this and i heard that.
Calvin: wait, who is this?
Monkey: a complete stranger.
Calvin: i'll be right over. i'm in the yellow truck cos i'm the Yellow Ranger.

* Monkey: keep the Pink one tied-up...

* Monkey: i heard he said this and she only did this cos of that.
Hayley: wait, who are you?
Monkey: i'm using a voice modulator.
Hayley: OMG Soundwave is my favorite Transformer! i'll be right over.

* Mick: hello. i'm here to give the moral. you shouldn't trust everything you hear. i'm quitting the show. they really need me over at Neighbours, the ratings are down.

* Monkey: yo folks, meet me at the Plaza.
Levi: holdup. i was born at night but it was last night on a country farm. who is this again?
Monkey: a monkey monster from outer space who likes to gossip.
Levi: he sounds like you, Hayley.
Hayley: fuck you, Levi.

* Hayley: behold! my holes!

* Preston: i'm a motherfucking ninja! i'm a trash man! i don't want to be a magician anymore!

* Hayley: hold on to that burlap sack. i need it for my dress to the Cinderella Ball.

* Monkey: wait! i'm Calvin trapped in this monkey's body!
Hayley: nice try. i know my boyfriend's voice. besides, that's next episode.

* Levi: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE....
Preston: Kamen Rider?

* Levi: but first, let me take a selfie.
Monkey: i may be a monkey's uncle, but you're a grown man with a burger phone. do you sell burgers or something?
Levi: i like burgers, okay?

* Hayley: yo my wolf zord can emit some crazy high-pitched frequencies.
Sarah: what is it saying?
Hayley: it doesn't like being trapped in a zoo. it wants its freedom. it wants to go back to Alaska. it wants Alaska to secede and go back to Canada where it belongs.

* Brody: why do we have to go through the Gigantify process every time?
Chip Lynn: gotta sell toys.

* Brody: yo can i try something before you explode?
Monkey: sure.
Brody: anyone got a large coin?

* Monty: don't worry. it's like Carrie but not really.

* Victor: sorry. i know i'm a good actor but these are CGI balloons. CGI balloons. i'm quitting the show.
Monty: you can't, Victor. kids have come up to me at cons and told me we were their favorite characters.
Victor: *crying* thank you. it's tough when you're not appreciated for your work.

Justice League Action "E. Nigma, Consulting Detective"

learned:

* best title ever

* consulting detective, i'm gonna use that from now on.

* "nique", i'm using that, too.

* Joker: Burns? the hounds thing was mine first. check my first comic when i was still human and mild-mannered and Bruce's friend.

* diner eater: dude, not cool. just cos my eggs and bacon are a face don't mean you can shove my face into that face.

* Wonder Woman: where's Joker?!
stooge: will you go out with me? i'm rich. just turned rich after that bank job.

* Wonder Woman: Nigma's been given a clean bill of health. women don't scour the internet for porn, they check men's medical records.

* Green Arrow: yes but can we trust a pimp?

* Riddler: sorry, toots, you're not my type.
Wonder Woman: no, this is a lasso. not a sex thing at all.
Riddler: that clown stole my act! riddling is my thing. it's my only superpower.
Batman: i can relate.

* Riddler: life itself is a riddle.
Wonder Woman: and what is the answer?
Riddler: dunno. but we're here, right?

* Green Arrow: hey man, i'm not dumb! just never watched Sesame Street as a kid i had a rough childhood.

* Riddler: rebus.
Green Arrow: sounds like a disease.

* Riddler: Sol is our sun's name, connection with the first episode, mon is Jamaican for man, not racist, grunt, you know all about that Wonder Woman, and tee, just one peppermint for me.

* Green Arrow: okay so maybe i am dumb.

* Solomon Grundy: i'm Sol like the sun. i'm actually Chinese but you can't tell on account of my skin condition.

* Riddler: taste it.
Green Arrow: no. i gave up purple stuff long ago. i'm a Sunny D man.

* Wonder Woman: Iceberg Club. where i confessed my love for Batman.

* Penguin: please, Edward, stay.
Riddler: what?
Penguin: no seriously. as you can see, this dump's empty most of the time. i'm hemorrhaging money like sockeye salmon swimming upstream. worst investment of my life. the place is underwater.

* Wonder Woman: finally some action. notice how it's I, the woman, saying this.

* Penguin: like my umbrella gun? sorry.

* Riddler: what kind of pastry?
Green Arrow: CUPCAKE! CUPCAKE!

* Riddler: i don't use maps. i'm a man.

* this episode brought to you by Champ Beans.

* Joker: honor amongst thieves?
Riddler: you stole my heart. ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it.

* Wonder Woman: before we start, can i have that huge Redbottom heel?

* Joker: what's the hangup?
Riddler: you talentless hack!
Joker: don't we have an ongoing comic series about this?

* Joker: behold my sucker!

* Riddler: you're getting sloppy, Joker.
Wonder Woman: that's what she said.

* Joker: are you dumb, Riddler?
Riddler: NO! I WATCHED SESAME STREET!

* Riddler: MISSISSIPPI GODDAM!!!

* Joker: how could you!? never dunk a donut in coffee that ruins it!

* Green Arrow: so are you ready to join the Justice League, Riddler?
Riddler: no but can i stay in the Watchtower bathroom for awhile while i get back on my feet?

* Riddler: crazy as a soup sandwich? what does that even mean?
Joker: it's crazy.

Justice League Action "Phased and Confused"

learned:

* tricky, Cartoon Network. only discovered this first episode this week with wiki. thank goodness for Xfinity On Demand.

* for all you fans of Booster Gold, for all you who thought he had changed, had reformed his party-dude ways, i am sorry.

* Zod: kneel before Zod.
the sun: kneel before Sol.

* Batman: it's called a solar flare.
Superman puts on his eclipse glasses.

* Booster Gold: don't make fun of me. i'm training to be a monk.
Wonder Woman: *laughing* he's afraid of women.

* the Star Labs symbol is Queensryche.

* Faora: get us out of this accursed Kryptonian Prism, Zod! i've been in close quarters with this sweaty hog! it actually makes me miss Daffy Duck!

* Batman: *takes picture* smile. Killing Joke joke.

* Batman: this is bad. very bad. i can't type anymore. i can't access porn.

* Booster: good news: i brought pizza. bad news: i stole it.

* Booster: this is unbelievable.
Wonder Woman: i know. they only showed half of my beautiful face.

* Computer: next time, no distress signal, no game.

* Booster: i recognize this as Morse code. i don't understand Morse code tho. time to replace this bulb.
Wonder Woman: damn you, Booster!
Booster: what? you'll thank me later. the light did need replacing.

* Booster: time to do my best Tom Cruise impression. i mean Batman impression. i mean Kevin Conroy impresson. i mean Pete Townshend impression. i'm actually not drunk here, this is just how i am.

* Superman: it's speeding bullet. sorry.

* Booster: i actually do cross-dress. representation, aye?

* Booster: hello, Arkham Asylum?
Bart Simpson: yes?
Booster: nevermind.

* Booster: gardener, get it? Guy. Green Lantern.

* Wonder Woman: it's coming from the Watchtower bathroom!
Superman: we have a Watchtower bathroom? i pee in space.

* Batman: i may have just enough substance for this.
Superman: you have too much substance. you should lighten up once in a while.
Wonder Woman: look at the mirror, Booster. Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!

* Booster: oh a piece of candy. oh a piece of candy...
Lex Luthor: that's my line!

* Booster: there's not really a rule for it is there.
Booster: OH MY ZOD! ONE WHOLE DOLLAR!

* Booster: you have a nice bod...
Zod: no! i...wait, what? oh thanks.

* Booster: OMG. guys? what happened to you? you're all dead ghosts!

* Booster: thanks. you're doing me a solid. solid gold.

* Zod: FELLED BY A JAWBREAKER!!!
Faora: that's what she said.

* Superman: doubt i'll feel it. i don't feel anything. i can't express my emotions.
Wonder Woman: that's why we're dating, Clark. we'll get through this.

* Booster: i never knew you cared.
Superman: i can't care.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Grave Robber"

learned:

* just here to see Chrysti Ane's "costume".

* meh.

* strangely, we don't see Victor and Monty's costumes. seems like a missed opportunity. Monty would have gone as Victor.

* i give this episode props for not really being a recap episode. even though it basically is. let's see if the Christmas special is recappy or not...

* Rangers: Levi, your song sucks.

* old woman: i'm donating these priceless valuables.
teacher: who are you?
old woman: Madame Odius, obviously. without the costume. or maybe her voice actress.

* teacher: yeah we don't need a magnifying glass here. this isn't a real school.

* Levi: yeah i don't really like board games.
Rangers: you like video games?
Levi: i like to play with a stick.

* Levi: do you find it strange that i'm this famous singer and the rest of the school doesn't seem to give a fuck? imagine if Justin Bieber went to a random school and started taking classes. the girls, and boys, would freak.
Sarah: yeah but you're not Justin Bieber.
Levi: good point.
Sarah: that's a good idea for a reality show tho.

* Brody: i'm British. cos i need to learn English.
Preston: i'm a real magician. at least for one day. hey i just realized i'm the name of a Ghostbuster!
Hayley: that's Winston.

* Preston: so this game is more satanic than Ouija?
Sarah: sure. look at me. there's a reason i got to be this beautiful.

* Cosmo: this is reminiscent of all those Power Rangers Halloween specials you used to watch on Fox Kids and the WB. where Rita or some such would cast a spell and there'd be lots of misty smoke and haunted castles and fruit punch. back when life was good and tv was better.

* Calvin: so this is the new Monopoly?

* Preston: oh shit. the hourglass pushes sand down no matter if it's turned upside-down. it's like the stomach. the water you drink upside-down doesn't suddenly fall out of your mouth.

* Brody: guys, with these weird die it looks like we're playing D&D. don't worry, we're still the cool kids on campus.

* Sarah: wait, i want to bring my remote-control vibrator.
Preston: what?
Sarah: i use this tool to sense the monster's vibrations. let's go! Go Go Power Rangers!

* Brody: you made these?
Sarah: what, cos i'm a girl?
Brody: no it's just this is exactly the wind paraglider from Breath of the Wild.
Chip Lynne: i had all the ideas for Zelda and everything.

* Preston: SURPRISE, MOTHERFU___!!!
Slogre: dude, i had to use the Slow Mist on you. kid's show.

* Cosmo: you get one of these loser cards. they're collectible!
Preston: Yu-gi-oh?
Cosmo: that's old hat. get it, old hat?
Calvin: Garbage Pail Kids?
Cosmo: warmer.
Brody: '90s Marvel cards?
Cosmo: ding ding ding! we have a winner! in looks anyway.
Sarah and Hayley: girls don't collect cards.

* Calvin: i'm in some sort of junkyard. like i said, Garbage Pail Kids.

* truck driver: bro, thanks for the cool racing stripes! i'm so tired, i'm gonna go beddy-bye now...

* monster: one ring to rule them all!
Calvin: reach for that golden ring...
monster: sure, and swing your way down a cliff!

* Calvin: lucky that bed of leaves was there. i should have died.
Sarah: kid's show. look at my non-slutty costume.

* Cosmo: i've got an idea! evil Zords!
Chip Lynne: we've done that plotline already.

* Mick: i'm here to expound on this week's lesson. i got 600 dollars for my trouble. that's enough for Christmas pressies this year.

* Levi: it sounds selfish when you put it like that.
Mick: how else would you put it?
Levi: fuck you, Mick.

* Levi: the door's stuck. whatever, i'm going to my mom's house.

* Levi: this board game is actually kinda cool. i think i'm into Satanism.

* Sarah: LEVI! i've never been more glad to see anyone in my entire life!
Brody starts to cry. his tears stain his Ranger suit.

* Cosmo: you cheated!
Levi: i know. i won the genetics lottery. sorry, can't help it.

* Cosmo: NO! not my hourglass! now i'll never know how my stomach works!

* Calvin: i've never been so happy to stand up in my entire life. i have to take a shit real bad.

* Levi: next time, i'll do whatever you guys want. if you want me to jump off a bridge, i'll die. i believe in Father Zordon, he'll resurrect me and make me a zombie.

* Preston: hey guys, it's dark out.
Hayley: mommy won't let you out late?
Preston: my mommy's dead.
Sarah: hey guys, aren't we a little too old to go trick-or-treating?
Chip Lynne: yes. but you all still have your porn scenes to shoot tonight.
Rangers: *all groaning* even on Halloween?

Justice League Action "The Brain Buster"

learned:

* i hate to do this to my beloved show, but this episode was pretty bad. bland and dull. disappointing way to spend the morning. i woke up at 7AM for this!

* this goes back to my theory about episodes which feature ONLY male characters. they never work. they're dead in the water. boring. nobody wants to see a pissing contest for 11, 22, or 47 minutes. there HAS to be women in there to enliven the art.

* whose idea was drones anyway? OBVIOUSLY they were gonna destroy us.

* Lex Luthor: i won Dejarik against myself again. i had all the ideas for Star Wars and everything.

* ah, that Gorilla Grodd clue in the beginning. but it was obscured by the robotic voice. couldn't hear it till the second pass with the subtitles.

* Mr. Terrific: Darkseid quit sudoku when his name was the answer but the sudoku-writer thought it was spelled Darkside.

* Terrific: those world's-smartest lists are never accurate. wait, did i just call myself dumb?

* Terrific: time to T up! just in time for the teeball playoffs!

* Calculator: i'm a human calculator with a tongue. you should see the matches i get on eharmony.

* voice: i'm a flaming pair of groovy glasses. i am a genius like you lot. my name is John Lennon.

* voice: let's start with a race...and end on one.

* there's gotta be a better way to advertise Hot Wheels.

* voice: i'll give you fuel...for your nightmares.

* voice: if you don't complete the Rubik's cube you can't drive. we don't need more smart cars on the road, we need more smart drivers.

* voice: the sphere has the mask of the Ridder. i'm not the '60s Riddler by the way.

* Batman: I AM THE DISCOBALL KING!

* Lex: unlucky for all of you, i have a Game Genie!

* Calculator: how did i not die?
Batman: you're on Cartoon Network at 7AM.

* Terrific: yee-haw strategy, i just made that up right now i'm so brilliant.

* Batman: i am Batman. i always win on a technicality.

* Terrific: i watched a lot of Dukes of Hazzard as a kid. that may seem strange looking at me.

* voice: let's accelerate this game. we only have 11 minutes.

* Batman: do you see the pattern?
Terrific: yes. the one where the good guys always win.

* Lex: too soon for me to use this weapon.

* Terrific: turnabout is fair play. by the way, nobody has ever used that phrase in a real-life conversation.

* Lex: i've never lost a chess match.
Batman: but this isn't 3D chess.

* Batman: chess clocks are stupid. that's not how the world works. you need to take your time with things.

* Lex: Mr. Mind? but you're just a slug. what's your major grievance with the world?
Mr. Mind: everyone in my small town turned into a butterfly except me.

* this episode should have been called "Brain Games".

* Mr. Mind: terrific.
Terrific: yes?
Mr. Mind: no i meant terrific sarcastically.

Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Butter"

learned:

* the brilliance lies in the conceit of Tim & Eric being sugary-sweet southern lesbians and the other characters don't bat an eyelash. it's taken at face value and no questions are asked. they blend seamlessly into the quaint country landscape.

* in other words, this is way more filmic than Bosom Buddies.

* Tim: the name of the Rhea Perlman character was Maureeen.
Eric: my DVR never subtitled a name for her. not even "woman".

* Eric: i was on Master of None.
Tim: i'm still more popular than you.

* this is the story of that other plot of desert land Walt Disney wanted to fill with his dreams...

* Mongo: why are we running, mama?
Belle: i'm taking you away from the bad man, honey. though it's unclear which situation is worse for you. you're fucked either way.

* the Butter Barn...it's not a club...

* we love helping kids........at the same time you have to get a little fiscally creative when all you sell is butter...

* not exploitative at all..............is it exploitative or exploitive?...........closed Sunday for desert-caravan Worship...

* Bonnie: not now, Mongo, mama's churning the butter.
Mongo: i never see you work.

* Mongo: you know, i know i'm from Mongolia, but you could have called me Jim.

* Mongo: i had a bad dream: i was on this show.
Tim & Eric: we had a long talk with your mom, kid. she's a toots. i know. i know. this is weird. just say your lines and get paid, that's how you survive Hollywood.

* Belle: that's not how you churn butter!
Mongo: but today's special is chunky butter.
Belle: oh. i never get the damn memo. *clapping loud* come on, Mei-Ling!
Mei-Ling: please, just send me back to my mother. she lives in Reseda.

* man and other man in black caravan: *flashing their badges* Scully. Mulder.
Belle & Bonnie: you betta get betta next year, X Files. progressive is the first step. that miniseries-cliffhanger trick was bullshit.

* Belle: *clapping happy* oh and you look like Jackson Browne, too!

* Jackson: what's you name, partner?
Juan Carlos: Nadal.
Jackson: when i say partner i really mean it. you are literally my meal ticket.
Juan Carlos: can i get a meal now?

* Belle: we're his mamas, we're overprotective.
Jackson: ain't that goddang not interesting. say hello, Buck.
Buck: hello, ladies. i'm attracted to you. and i know you're not ladies.

* Jackson: i made a killing in Silicon Valley and got bored. there is nothing worse than being bored.
Bonnie: you're doing Satan's work, sir.
Belle: the rich are evil.
Jackson: i'm like that collector from Star Trek: The Next Generation who had to have one of every endangered species.
Belle: i look at Star Trek: Discovery and weep buckets for the next generation.

* Bonnie: Magabishu...
Belle: can't say maga

* Jackson: we've had a hard time locating kid actors from Mongolia willing to come on this show...

* Bonnie: his parents were Sherpas.
Belle: they never made it to the top of Everest. they were almost there but then mysteriously disappeared. we took the credit when we made it second.

* Jackson: put on these VR headsets, they'll explain everything.
Jackson waits for them to put on the headsets then slowly walks out the door holding Mongo's hand.
Bonnie: like a drunk daisy!
Belle: it's like a Tool video!

* Jackson: it's all on the up-and-up. you'll be my recruiter. like college basketball.

* Buck: you like how i snap my bills? no i don't actually want the butter.

* Belle: where are you?
Bonnie: right here.
Belle: let me stick this vibrator in your vag.
Bonnie: that's not a vibrator, that's the butter-churning pole!

* Bonnie: isn't Dmitri the sweetest and your real favorite boy?
Belle: not if he's Russian. this is the South!

* Belle: i can't see the ipad. too much glare.
Jackson: this was filmed before Kindle but after all the Samsung explosions.

* Belle: with my finger?
Buck: like voting in a third-world country.

* Belle: remember his favorite chicken nuggets.
Mongo: i was vegan this whole time. burn rubber, rich stranger man!

* Bonnie: careful with that butter candle. it melts.
Belle: i'm cutting butter with a butter knife i'm so mad and distracted.

* Belle: you just do what you gon do.
Bonnie: where are you?
Belle: right here.
Bonnie: what are you doing?
Tim: going for my first Dramatic Emmy nomination. i just want to see if i can do this.
Eric: you're a good actor.

* Bonnie: my goodness look at this mansion view!
Belle: this officially has turned into a Tennessee Williams play.
Bonnie: too Spanish for my tastes. but i do love the shrubbery.

* Jackson: sorry for the delay, ladies, takes time to dip children in wax.
Belle & Bonnie: we want to be your ex-wives with custody.

* Belle: what's that sound?
Jackson: the children laughing and playing their video games with the ominous music.

* Jackson: this is Chun. she is what keeps the Chinese government off my back.

* Buck: i stuffed Mongo with cotton.
Belle & Bonnie: like a rightly southern gentleman. now if you'll excuse us this is too horrifying and we're gonna faint from the shock. like fragile-glass southern belles.

* Bonnie: what's wrong with you?
Belle: the vapors. you like it when i call you bitch?
Eric: in real life?

* Belle: *running frantically* don't look back, Mongo, keep running! what's that bright light tailing us?
Mongo: the spotlight on the set.

* Belle: who wants to play Pictionary?!!
Juan Carlos: i said no, pendejo! i told you i want to crayon!

* Bonnie: watch it with that butter paint. it crackles the skin.
Mongo: in all honesty i liked the cotton more.

* best representation of a loving couple on tv this year. 30 minutes. waiting on the feature film. it'll be like if Rod Serling wrote Billion Dollar Movie...