learned:
* i laughed, i cried...........mostly i cried
* the Doctor: is there anything on my head?
Nardole: please tell me that's hair gel.
the Doctor: hehe, that Cleopatra...
* the Doctor: RIVER!
River Song: oh. where's David Tennant? is David Tennant busy? can David Tennant come back?
* King Hydroflax: oh dahlin, i love when we make love.
River: yes dahlin, you give good head.
Hydroflax: you, surgeon, fix me now!
the Doctor: okay but i'm a proctologist.
the crowds on the screens cheer.
the Doctor: oh come on, those aren't real people, this is the youtube era, man!
* River: an archaeologist is just a thief who's patient.
the Doctor: i'm a proctologist. i'm the opposite. when you gotta go, you gotta go.
River: this stolen diamond is but a pittance as recompense for all of the blood on your, um, head.
Hydroflax: but dahlin, that diamond was to be your engagement ring.
River: how come you never got me a fat shiny rock like this?
the Doctor: diamonds bring back bad bad memories for me.
* River: hold this head in a bag. it's just like the time we went bowling together.
the Doctor: we never went bowling together.
River: you never take me anywhere! hello, Ramone, give mama some sugar.
River and Ramone kiss.
the Doctor: excuse me, buddy, i'm her husband.
Ramone: i know.
River and Ramone kiss again.
the Doctor: so that thing where you mush faces together, that's a thing? oh look, honey, you dropped your wallet. hey all of the other Doctor pics are here, even the War Doctor, but not me?!
River: this was during the time before you were announced. Steven Moffat was considering playing Twelve.
the Doctor: i've had enough of all you thirsty people. i'm going back to meditating with Bors. at least i know Bors isn't thirsty. we have water over there.
* Scratch: do you have the item?
River: do you have the money? and stop whispering, it reminds me of a library.
Scratch cuts open his head.
Scratch: OH SHIT! i cut vertical when i should have cut horizontal! help me get my fucking face back together!
River: you don't have to shout. this is a restaurant, not a Taylor Swift concert.
Scratch: lady don't screw me.
River: but this is a screwball comedy.
Hydroflax enters.
Scratch: ALL HAIL BAYMAX
* the Doctor: i realize that joke about the poor economy was in bad taste but it was better than the one i considered about Trump being America's first dictator.
* the Doctor: kid, you should build a restaurant here.
Alphonse: no money.
the Doctor: take this diamond.
Alphonse: so we're married now?
* at the restaurant a few years later...
River: how do i look?
the Doctor: your breasts are quite handsome.
River: lucky for you i'm a Smashing Pumpkins fan. is that a gift for me? omg i'm fangirling over here. what is it?! it's...it's...your sonic sunglasses? you damn regifter!
the Doctor: PLEASE let me unload them on you, i've been trying to get rid of those things for the longest but no one in the entire universe wants them.
* the Doctor and River stare eternally at the stardrenched Singing Towers of Darillium. the Towers sing their trademark song with their beautiful female operatic voices.
River: let us spend the remaining time we have together together forever.
the Doctor: yes, dear. i love you, sweetie. no one knows exactly what the song means but it has something to do with perseverance.
the first song ends and the second song starts. the second song is "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.
River: so, uh, see you around?
the Doctor: yep, bye bye.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Saturday, December 26, 2015
Monday, December 21, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "A Plaintive Wail" Episode Discussion
learned:
* okay, Show, i'm slow on the uptake, it's taken me two seasons, but i finally got it. the title, and wait for the end for the wordplay.
* Pigeon: why do people like posts about death?
Marquess: sometimes it's their only chance at revenge. it's a cruel world. hey did you know that the #1 thing people post on instagram is food? i'm jus' sayin'. don't make me mad. i have an instagram account.
* Pigeon: hey Yung, why don't you go skinny-dipping in the pool sometime? it is your own private pool.
Yung: i just did. you should have seen the first draft of that scene. our animators are pervs.
* Pigeon: we're going to drive to Boston?! why?!
Mike: to see if that Aqua Teen episode is FINALLY finished.
* Mike: hey folks, have you noticed i've gotten a lot to say in this episode? like a LOT to say. they're giving me the exposition dump and everything. i get the sneaking suspicion they're actually making fun of me.
* Mike: okay, i'll start: my name is Mike Tyson, my wife's name is Robin Givens, i.......i can't do this anymore, i'm starting to cry.
Yung: my name is Betty cos i'm hot, i don't have a husband cos i'm a strong independent woman that don't need no man, we live in Boston of course, and we sell baked beans.
Pigeon: i want to smell your farts.
* Marley Gibson: hello, my name is Marley Gibson, i'm a real-life ghost hunter...
* librarian: sir, you cannot access porn on the library computers.
Pigeon: hey it's not my fault you're too cheap to pay for BlockSite. at least when i'm in China i know where i stand.
* Mike: what exactly do you do?
Marquess: i'm the constant reminder that one day all of you will die. also, i'm related to Casper.
Pigeon: damn name-dropper.
* Marquess: light as a feather, stiff as a board...
Pigeon: nobody wants the gory details of your love life, just get on with the seance!
* a whale crashes into the restaurant.
Yung: what the fuck, whale?! why are you here?!
whale: twitter's busy.
* okay, Show, i'm slow on the uptake, it's taken me two seasons, but i finally got it. the title, and wait for the end for the wordplay.
* Pigeon: why do people like posts about death?
Marquess: sometimes it's their only chance at revenge. it's a cruel world. hey did you know that the #1 thing people post on instagram is food? i'm jus' sayin'. don't make me mad. i have an instagram account.
* Pigeon: hey Yung, why don't you go skinny-dipping in the pool sometime? it is your own private pool.
Yung: i just did. you should have seen the first draft of that scene. our animators are pervs.
* Pigeon: we're going to drive to Boston?! why?!
Mike: to see if that Aqua Teen episode is FINALLY finished.
* Mike: hey folks, have you noticed i've gotten a lot to say in this episode? like a LOT to say. they're giving me the exposition dump and everything. i get the sneaking suspicion they're actually making fun of me.
* Mike: okay, i'll start: my name is Mike Tyson, my wife's name is Robin Givens, i.......i can't do this anymore, i'm starting to cry.
Yung: my name is Betty cos i'm hot, i don't have a husband cos i'm a strong independent woman that don't need no man, we live in Boston of course, and we sell baked beans.
Pigeon: i want to smell your farts.
* Marley Gibson: hello, my name is Marley Gibson, i'm a real-life ghost hunter...
* librarian: sir, you cannot access porn on the library computers.
Pigeon: hey it's not my fault you're too cheap to pay for BlockSite. at least when i'm in China i know where i stand.
* Mike: what exactly do you do?
Marquess: i'm the constant reminder that one day all of you will die. also, i'm related to Casper.
Pigeon: damn name-dropper.
* Marquess: light as a feather, stiff as a board...
Pigeon: nobody wants the gory details of your love life, just get on with the seance!
* a whale crashes into the restaurant.
Yung: what the fuck, whale?! why are you here?!
whale: twitter's busy.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "Jason B. Sucks" Episode Discussion
learned:
* title got me again in the end, Show.
* Pigeon: hey Marquess, do you like your cream extra thick?
Marquess: yes, especially with my pigeon under glass.
* Mike: the internet has made the nerds the jocks of this brave new crappy society. time for me to go to school and hit the books with one of my patented devastating uppercuts.
* Yung: apparently the guy did ask for our help. this slip of paper proves it. poor pigeon that carried it was too fat to fit through the door.
Mike: not our fault. the words on the paper are faded. this guy used invisible ink.
* the team go to the froyo shop and the dry cleaners.
Marquess: we would make excellent stalkers.
* Pigeon: can i play with your tits?
Marquess: you do realize Yung is Mike's daughter?
Pigeon: i ain't scared. it's easy to beat Mike Tyson. just gotta wait for his eyes to blink then pow!
* Marquess: have you noticed all the cartoons lately have been noting how easy it is to get guns?
Mike: it's not that big of a societal problem. sure people get shot but then they realize they were vampires all along and fly away.
* Jason B: my wife must have bitten me when we had rough sex.
Pigeon: mind if i sit in next time? i'll post a positive review, i swear!
* title got me again in the end, Show.
* Pigeon: hey Marquess, do you like your cream extra thick?
Marquess: yes, especially with my pigeon under glass.
* Mike: the internet has made the nerds the jocks of this brave new crappy society. time for me to go to school and hit the books with one of my patented devastating uppercuts.
* Yung: apparently the guy did ask for our help. this slip of paper proves it. poor pigeon that carried it was too fat to fit through the door.
Mike: not our fault. the words on the paper are faded. this guy used invisible ink.
* the team go to the froyo shop and the dry cleaners.
Marquess: we would make excellent stalkers.
* Pigeon: can i play with your tits?
Marquess: you do realize Yung is Mike's daughter?
Pigeon: i ain't scared. it's easy to beat Mike Tyson. just gotta wait for his eyes to blink then pow!
* Marquess: have you noticed all the cartoons lately have been noting how easy it is to get guns?
Mike: it's not that big of a societal problem. sure people get shot but then they realize they were vampires all along and fly away.
* Jason B: my wife must have bitten me when we had rough sex.
Pigeon: mind if i sit in next time? i'll post a positive review, i swear!
Monday, December 7, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "Old Man of the Mountain" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Yung: you're drinking vodka before noon?
Marquess: it's brunch somewhere in the world.
Yung: but not here.
Marquess: i'm a ghost. time has no meaning for me.
* the messenger pigeon nuzzles up to Pigeon.
Pigeon: sorry, babe, same-species sex is for the birds.
* Pigeon: why are all these slips of paper depressing sob stories?
Yung: tumblr's fault.
* Marquess: would you like to hear the origin story of the term shotgun?
Mike: if it doesn't involve Kurt Cobain i ain't interested.
* brother: my senile old man is obsessed with the Abominable Snowman. also, Hitler was abominable, whoops, sorry...
* brother: he should live with you!
sister: he should live with you!
Mike: i hate fighting.
* the gang get there and see the old man has frozen to death outside in the cold.
Mike: I LOVE POPSICLES!
* Mike: i heard burning to death is worse than freezing to death. or maybe it's the other way around. but do you know what's really painful? getting eaten by King Hippo.
* Pigeon stares at the grieving sister's vagina.
sister: hey! my breasts are up here!
* the gang see the swastikas in the father's secret room.
Mike: oh your pops was a Buddhist?
* the old man defrosts and goes after Marquess with an ax.
Marquess: why am i scared? why am i running? i'm already a ghost. i really need to stop drinking.
the Abominable Snowman eats the old racist man and holds up a sign that reads December 18th.
* Yung: you're drinking vodka before noon?
Marquess: it's brunch somewhere in the world.
Yung: but not here.
Marquess: i'm a ghost. time has no meaning for me.
* the messenger pigeon nuzzles up to Pigeon.
Pigeon: sorry, babe, same-species sex is for the birds.
* Pigeon: why are all these slips of paper depressing sob stories?
Yung: tumblr's fault.
* Marquess: would you like to hear the origin story of the term shotgun?
Mike: if it doesn't involve Kurt Cobain i ain't interested.
* brother: my senile old man is obsessed with the Abominable Snowman. also, Hitler was abominable, whoops, sorry...
* brother: he should live with you!
sister: he should live with you!
Mike: i hate fighting.
* the gang get there and see the old man has frozen to death outside in the cold.
Mike: I LOVE POPSICLES!
* Mike: i heard burning to death is worse than freezing to death. or maybe it's the other way around. but do you know what's really painful? getting eaten by King Hippo.
* Pigeon stares at the grieving sister's vagina.
sister: hey! my breasts are up here!
* the gang see the swastikas in the father's secret room.
Mike: oh your pops was a Buddhist?
* the old man defrosts and goes after Marquess with an ax.
Marquess: why am i scared? why am i running? i'm already a ghost. i really need to stop drinking.
the Abominable Snowman eats the old racist man and holds up a sign that reads December 18th.
Doctor Who "Hell Bent" Episode Discussion
learned:
* no, no, Moffat, you must let your characters die and stay dead. death comes to us all, it's unavoidable. even for the Doctor. nobody actually has a time machine. Doctor Who was in fact cancelled before.
* the Doctor: i don't remember what she looked like but she looked just like you. except she had an ass.
* the Doctor: why do you have a British accent and work at an American diner?
Clara: got fired from my previous job as a British schoolteacher. teaching and waitressing, same thing: slinging hash.
* the President: wanna rassle.......on?
* the President: no women allowed here.
Ohila: no wonder this backward society went under.
* Gastron: hands up or i'll shoot.
the Doctor: we both know that never works.
* the soldiers fire at the Doctor, but miss.
the Doctor: i'm not a Time Lord, i'm a fucking ninja.
* the Doctor: get off my planet.
the President: where shall i go?
the Doctor: Earth. there'll be plenty of room. nobody wants to live on that planet anymore.
* before leaving on his ship, the President gets on the top step, turns around, and does the Nixon fingers.
* the Doctor shoots the General. the General regenerates into a black woman.
Clara: i thought you said you'd never kill!
the Doctor: i didn't kill him, i made him hotter.
* Dalek: exterminate me! take me off life support!
Weeping Angel: look at me! don't turn away! nobody looks at me anymore! i'm a person, too!
Cyberman: it's me, Danny!
* Ohila: why is the Doctor doing this? why did he do that whole insane billions-of-years-recurring-nightmare thing? what did he tell you?
Clara: the Doctor told me he did it............................because............................he really wanted to fuck me.
* Clara: love the new wheels. why is the TARDIS all white?
the Doctor: can't say without being racist.
* Ashildr: here we are, at the very end of the universe.
the Doctor: what happens after the end?
Ashildr: reruns.
* Ashildr: why are you always hanging around Earth?
the Doctor: it's the only planet that has life.
* Clara: so i'm the first Female Doctor! eat it, Helen Mirren! wanna be my Companion?
Ashildr: there's gonna be massive scissoring, huh?
Clara: yep.
Ashildr: okay. but i warn you: i can last a long time.
* the Doctor: stories are created when memories are forgotten.
Clara: my spinoff with Ashildr is gonna beat you in the ratings.
* the Doctor's TARDIS crashes into Clara's TARDIS. Doctor Who is cancelled again.
* no, no, Moffat, you must let your characters die and stay dead. death comes to us all, it's unavoidable. even for the Doctor. nobody actually has a time machine. Doctor Who was in fact cancelled before.
* the Doctor: i don't remember what she looked like but she looked just like you. except she had an ass.
* the Doctor: why do you have a British accent and work at an American diner?
Clara: got fired from my previous job as a British schoolteacher. teaching and waitressing, same thing: slinging hash.
* the President: wanna rassle.......on?
* the President: no women allowed here.
Ohila: no wonder this backward society went under.
* Gastron: hands up or i'll shoot.
the Doctor: we both know that never works.
* the soldiers fire at the Doctor, but miss.
the Doctor: i'm not a Time Lord, i'm a fucking ninja.
* the Doctor: get off my planet.
the President: where shall i go?
the Doctor: Earth. there'll be plenty of room. nobody wants to live on that planet anymore.
* before leaving on his ship, the President gets on the top step, turns around, and does the Nixon fingers.
* the Doctor shoots the General. the General regenerates into a black woman.
Clara: i thought you said you'd never kill!
the Doctor: i didn't kill him, i made him hotter.
* Dalek: exterminate me! take me off life support!
Weeping Angel: look at me! don't turn away! nobody looks at me anymore! i'm a person, too!
Cyberman: it's me, Danny!
* Ohila: why is the Doctor doing this? why did he do that whole insane billions-of-years-recurring-nightmare thing? what did he tell you?
Clara: the Doctor told me he did it............................because............................he really wanted to fuck me.
* Clara: love the new wheels. why is the TARDIS all white?
the Doctor: can't say without being racist.
* Ashildr: here we are, at the very end of the universe.
the Doctor: what happens after the end?
Ashildr: reruns.
* Ashildr: why are you always hanging around Earth?
the Doctor: it's the only planet that has life.
* Clara: so i'm the first Female Doctor! eat it, Helen Mirren! wanna be my Companion?
Ashildr: there's gonna be massive scissoring, huh?
Clara: yep.
Ashildr: okay. but i warn you: i can last a long time.
* the Doctor: stories are created when memories are forgotten.
Clara: my spinoff with Ashildr is gonna beat you in the ratings.
* the Doctor's TARDIS crashes into Clara's TARDIS. Doctor Who is cancelled again.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories "Tornado" Episode Discussion
learned:
* plumber: son, stop spritzing glue.
Matt: i'm a growing boy. i need to. there's nothing shameful about it.
dad: son, can't you do something else?
Matt: well i could try rubber cement but man that's gonna be painful.
* i just found out Zagen means "saw"..........very interesting.......and thanks, Google Translate!
* mom: honey, everyone at the hospital is smothered in your seed.
Matt (red cheeks): moooooooom, you're embarrassing me.
* plumber: son, stop spritzing glue.
Matt: i'm a growing boy. i need to. there's nothing shameful about it.
dad: son, can't you do something else?
Matt: well i could try rubber cement but man that's gonna be painful.
* i just found out Zagen means "saw"..........very interesting.......and thanks, Google Translate!
* mom: honey, everyone at the hospital is smothered in your seed.
Matt (red cheeks): moooooooom, you're embarrassing me.
* Zagen: this is serious, Matt.
Matt: like The Wire serious or Fringe serious?
* Matt: NO ANESTHESIA?!!!
Father Krang: how do you think Jesus felt with the nails and whatnot?
Matt: i'm Jewish!
Father Krang: don't worry, you'll be reprogrammed in no time.
Matt: i'm not gay!
Father Krang: this is an allegory.
Howie Mandel, in the ER reprising his role as a doctor, screams.
* Zagen: Matt, inside this bag are your balls.
Matt eats his balls.
Matt: i just discovered internet memes.
* Matt: why are you fondling my balls, Father?
Father Krang: an old Catholic tradition. if i were Jesus, i would have sacktapped that traitor Judas for even thinking about betraying me and everything would have been different.
Matt: jesus, don't let that white collar go to your head. literally.
* Matt: so, um, wanna go swimming?
Lucy: Matt, that's your septic tank full of your cum.
Matt: oh, sorry, i get nervous around pixie-cut babes. speaking of my cum, wanna fuck?
Lucy: now that's a new line. i thought you'd never ask. i'm pregnant!
Matt: abortion?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: you're kidding, right? we're keeping the baby? it will be our pride and joy?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: the tone on this show gets confusing.
* Lucy: you're gonna take my baby as your own?! you indirectly fucked me?! madness!
Father Krang: look, i'm only doing what the pink blob in my stomach's telling me to do.
* Matt runs and locks the door behind him.
Lucy (crying and screaming in fear): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
Matt: i gonna cut off these Catholic-priest balls from my body. i'm thinking about sauteing them in a nice champagne reduction till they're nice and crispy but still soft. parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. dinner will be a little late tonight, honey, gotta get that reduction just right.
* this show spoofs horror anthologies. but horror is merely the other side of comedy. one elicits a scream, the other a laugh when your mind is not prepared to see or hear what comes next. both jangle the nerves. so this show ends up being not so much funny as menacingly strange with a few hits to the funny bone thrown in, exactly what an actual modern Twilight Zone episode would be like.
Father Krang: how do you think Jesus felt with the nails and whatnot?
Matt: i'm Jewish!
Father Krang: don't worry, you'll be reprogrammed in no time.
Matt: i'm not gay!
Father Krang: this is an allegory.
Howie Mandel, in the ER reprising his role as a doctor, screams.
* Zagen: Matt, inside this bag are your balls.
Matt eats his balls.
Matt: i just discovered internet memes.
* Matt: why are you fondling my balls, Father?
Father Krang: an old Catholic tradition. if i were Jesus, i would have sacktapped that traitor Judas for even thinking about betraying me and everything would have been different.
Matt: jesus, don't let that white collar go to your head. literally.
* Matt: so, um, wanna go swimming?
Lucy: Matt, that's your septic tank full of your cum.
Matt: oh, sorry, i get nervous around pixie-cut babes. speaking of my cum, wanna fuck?
Lucy: now that's a new line. i thought you'd never ask. i'm pregnant!
Matt: abortion?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: you're kidding, right? we're keeping the baby? it will be our pride and joy?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: the tone on this show gets confusing.
* Lucy: you're gonna take my baby as your own?! you indirectly fucked me?! madness!
Father Krang: look, i'm only doing what the pink blob in my stomach's telling me to do.
* Matt runs and locks the door behind him.
Lucy (crying and screaming in fear): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
Matt: i gonna cut off these Catholic-priest balls from my body. i'm thinking about sauteing them in a nice champagne reduction till they're nice and crispy but still soft. parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. dinner will be a little late tonight, honey, gotta get that reduction just right.
* this show spoofs horror anthologies. but horror is merely the other side of comedy. one elicits a scream, the other a laugh when your mind is not prepared to see or hear what comes next. both jangle the nerves. so this show ends up being not so much funny as menacingly strange with a few hits to the funny bone thrown in, exactly what an actual modern Twilight Zone episode would be like.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Doctor Who "Heaven Sent" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Moffat ya small lug, i love you.
* and you thought "Face the Raven" was moody and atmospheric.
* this would be heaven for me, not hell. i'm a loner. i like medieval castles.
* the Doctor: who are you?
Veil: i could ask you the same thing.
the Doctor: i like you. even though i'm scared of you. i never knew i could get scared. i'm scared of death.
Veil: that's the half-human in you talking.
* the Doctor: so you're the Valeyard, right? it's in the name.
Veil: no, my name is Jami Reid-Quarrell. but yes i do a bit of antiquing on weekends.
* the Doctor: have you ever heard of a pocket universe?
Veil: no, but right now you're in a pocketwatch.
* the Doctor: i'm gonna jump out this window. bet you didn't see that coming.
Veil: actually i did. this is the billionth time you've said that line. there are so many of your skulls down there they've soaked up the entire ocean.
* the Doctor: oh, a fireplace, how warm of you. reminds me of my picnics on the surface of the sun. so what do i do? just throw my wet clothes in the fireplace to burn and do the rest of the episode naked?
* the Doctor: okay, i see the reference, call a spade a spade, got it.
Veil: dig your own grave, Doctor. *evil laugh*
the Doctor: wait, what? i have to actually do manual labor? i thought we were gonna play cards.
* Veil: why did you leave Gallifrey in the first place?
the Doctor: i was scared of getting bored.
* the Doctor: Clara, i need your help inside my TARDIS brain........please don't turn around...............okay, i admit it, you do have a nice ass.
* the Doctor: i have one hour to do everything before it all resets again. this episode is an hour so i'm just gonna sit back and see how it ends.
* the Doctor: i'm not scared of Hell, Hell is just Heaven for bad people..............although Hitler is a dick, so. btw, this pea soup tastes like shit, can i speak to the chef?
* Clara: Doctor, get off your ass and fucking win!!!
the Doctor: all i heard was ass.
* the Doctor: ah, bird, The Story of Mankind.
Veil: that book is racist towards aliens.
the Doctor: i hear ya, brotha.
* the Doctor finally breaks the azbantium.
Veil: dammit! the guy said cubic zirconia was the same thing!
* the Doctor: little boy, go tell the others, i came the long way round.
little boy: i'm telling my mommy.
the Doctor: is your mom hot? it's been ever so long...
* Moffat ya small lug, i love you.
* and you thought "Face the Raven" was moody and atmospheric.
* this would be heaven for me, not hell. i'm a loner. i like medieval castles.
* the Doctor: who are you?
Veil: i could ask you the same thing.
the Doctor: i like you. even though i'm scared of you. i never knew i could get scared. i'm scared of death.
Veil: that's the half-human in you talking.
* the Doctor: so you're the Valeyard, right? it's in the name.
Veil: no, my name is Jami Reid-Quarrell. but yes i do a bit of antiquing on weekends.
* the Doctor: have you ever heard of a pocket universe?
Veil: no, but right now you're in a pocketwatch.
* the Doctor: i'm gonna jump out this window. bet you didn't see that coming.
Veil: actually i did. this is the billionth time you've said that line. there are so many of your skulls down there they've soaked up the entire ocean.
* the Doctor: oh, a fireplace, how warm of you. reminds me of my picnics on the surface of the sun. so what do i do? just throw my wet clothes in the fireplace to burn and do the rest of the episode naked?
* the Doctor: okay, i see the reference, call a spade a spade, got it.
Veil: dig your own grave, Doctor. *evil laugh*
the Doctor: wait, what? i have to actually do manual labor? i thought we were gonna play cards.
* Veil: why did you leave Gallifrey in the first place?
the Doctor: i was scared of getting bored.
* the Doctor: Clara, i need your help inside my TARDIS brain........please don't turn around...............okay, i admit it, you do have a nice ass.
* the Doctor: i have one hour to do everything before it all resets again. this episode is an hour so i'm just gonna sit back and see how it ends.
* the Doctor: i'm not scared of Hell, Hell is just Heaven for bad people..............although Hitler is a dick, so. btw, this pea soup tastes like shit, can i speak to the chef?
* Clara: Doctor, get off your ass and fucking win!!!
the Doctor: all i heard was ass.
* the Doctor: ah, bird, The Story of Mankind.
Veil: that book is racist towards aliens.
the Doctor: i hear ya, brotha.
* the Doctor finally breaks the azbantium.
Veil: dammit! the guy said cubic zirconia was the same thing!
* the Doctor: little boy, go tell the others, i came the long way round.
little boy: i'm telling my mommy.
the Doctor: is your mom hot? it's been ever so long...
Monday, November 23, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "Last Night on Charlie Rose" Episode Discussion
learned:
* the only way this could have been better is if the interviewee was Spalding Gray.
* Marquess (who's a ghost): so did everyone remember my birthday?
Pigeon: maybe it's more appropriate to celebrate your deathday.
* Mike: don't birds have small brains?
Pigeon: don't boxers who've been hit one too many times have the same?
* taxidriver: yeah i hate all these highfalutin celebrities who think they own the tittybars in New York. invite me in once, y'know? all these illuminati who only have a show cos of their name. who did you say you were again?
Mike: Charlie Rose, we're going to Charlie Rose.
taxidriver: Charlie Rose is the worst offender!
* guest wrangler: Popovich went into the black backdrop of the Charlie Rose Show set and vanished into thin air, it's like he got swallowed up by a black hole.
Pigeon: sounds like my first marriage. you're hot, toots! whaddaya say you and i and some kinky boots...?
guest wrangler: i love that show!
Pigeon: you'll be wearing the boots, dear...
* Charlie Rose: the purpose of my show all these years, the purpose of all television, the purpose of all of our lives is to prepare for the apocalypse.
Yung: this is all 4chan's fault.
Charlie Rose dies in Mike's arms.
Charlie Rose (last words): please, Mike Tyson, make up for anything bad you may have done, you can redeem yourself here and now. carry on my mission. save Mabel Pines.
* the only way this could have been better is if the interviewee was Spalding Gray.
* Marquess (who's a ghost): so did everyone remember my birthday?
Pigeon: maybe it's more appropriate to celebrate your deathday.
* Mike: don't birds have small brains?
Pigeon: don't boxers who've been hit one too many times have the same?
* taxidriver: yeah i hate all these highfalutin celebrities who think they own the tittybars in New York. invite me in once, y'know? all these illuminati who only have a show cos of their name. who did you say you were again?
Mike: Charlie Rose, we're going to Charlie Rose.
taxidriver: Charlie Rose is the worst offender!
* guest wrangler: Popovich went into the black backdrop of the Charlie Rose Show set and vanished into thin air, it's like he got swallowed up by a black hole.
Pigeon: sounds like my first marriage. you're hot, toots! whaddaya say you and i and some kinky boots...?
guest wrangler: i love that show!
Pigeon: you'll be wearing the boots, dear...
* Charlie Rose: the purpose of my show all these years, the purpose of all television, the purpose of all of our lives is to prepare for the apocalypse.
Yung: this is all 4chan's fault.
Charlie Rose dies in Mike's arms.
Charlie Rose (last words): please, Mike Tyson, make up for anything bad you may have done, you can redeem yourself here and now. carry on my mission. save Mabel Pines.
Doctor Who "Face the Raven" Episode Discussion
learned:
* nevermore................until we see Clara again in the Christmas special.
* Clara: hey remember when we barely survived fighting that giant monster?
the Doctor: this isn't funny anymore, i know you die at the end of this episode.
Clara: you can predict the future?
the Doctor: no, you weren't there when the cast and crew did the readthrough, remember? you were off auditioning for your next role.
* the Doctor: you gave out my number?
Clara: no, it happens to be the exact same number as the local pizzeria.
th Doctor: oh i so love those Ultimate Hershey's Chocolate Chip Cookie cookie pizzas from Pizza Hut.
* the Doctor: who are you?
Rigsy: i could say the same to you.
the Doctor: i like you. you're gonna die.
Rigsy: this isn't a gang tat, it's a magical tattoo, i'm a responsible husband and father.
the Doctor: oh your little human is adorable, i could just eat that baby!
Rigsy: you're kidding, right? Clara said you were a friendly alien.
the Doctor: hmm? oh yeah, yes, right.
* Clara sticks her head out the TARDIS. her hair blows in the London sky.
Rigsy: i never knew Clara was such a daredevil. she's more rebellious than i was as a youth.
the Doctor: nah, i told her she couldn't use the TARDIS phone to order pizza anymore but that didn't stop her.
Clara: pepperoni!
* Clara: trap streets.
the Doctor: trap streets.
Rigsy: trap streets.
Clara: but which one?
the Doctor: Ashildr Street, nobody remembers that one.
* Rigsy: i'm guilty? is this cos i'm black?
the Doctor: it's your fault!
Ashildr: my fault? is this cos my neck tats are black? that's racist.
the Doctor: YOU can help us.
Anahson: why? just cos i have two faces? that's alienist.
the Doctor: i'm a doctor not a psychiatrist.
Anahson: i'm here legally you know, i have my papers.
the Doctor: are they psychic?
* Clara: you can fix this, right?
the Doctor: no, your recklessness finally caught up with you. it's rare for a Companion to outright die but in the end you weren't as invincible as me. cos you can't regenerate.
Clara: oh well, i can join Danny now.
the Doctor: please give this to Danny when you see him again. it's a maths book.
* Rigsy beautifully tags the TARDIS with a Clara tribute.
bobby: move along, thug, nothing to see here, no loitering.
* nevermore................until we see Clara again in the Christmas special.
* Clara: hey remember when we barely survived fighting that giant monster?
the Doctor: this isn't funny anymore, i know you die at the end of this episode.
Clara: you can predict the future?
the Doctor: no, you weren't there when the cast and crew did the readthrough, remember? you were off auditioning for your next role.
* the Doctor: you gave out my number?
Clara: no, it happens to be the exact same number as the local pizzeria.
th Doctor: oh i so love those Ultimate Hershey's Chocolate Chip Cookie cookie pizzas from Pizza Hut.
* the Doctor: who are you?
Rigsy: i could say the same to you.
the Doctor: i like you. you're gonna die.
Rigsy: this isn't a gang tat, it's a magical tattoo, i'm a responsible husband and father.
the Doctor: oh your little human is adorable, i could just eat that baby!
Rigsy: you're kidding, right? Clara said you were a friendly alien.
the Doctor: hmm? oh yeah, yes, right.
* Clara sticks her head out the TARDIS. her hair blows in the London sky.
Rigsy: i never knew Clara was such a daredevil. she's more rebellious than i was as a youth.
the Doctor: nah, i told her she couldn't use the TARDIS phone to order pizza anymore but that didn't stop her.
Clara: pepperoni!
* Clara: trap streets.
the Doctor: trap streets.
Rigsy: trap streets.
Clara: but which one?
the Doctor: Ashildr Street, nobody remembers that one.
* Rigsy: i'm guilty? is this cos i'm black?
the Doctor: it's your fault!
Ashildr: my fault? is this cos my neck tats are black? that's racist.
the Doctor: YOU can help us.
Anahson: why? just cos i have two faces? that's alienist.
the Doctor: i'm a doctor not a psychiatrist.
Anahson: i'm here legally you know, i have my papers.
the Doctor: are they psychic?
* Clara: you can fix this, right?
the Doctor: no, your recklessness finally caught up with you. it's rare for a Companion to outright die but in the end you weren't as invincible as me. cos you can't regenerate.
Clara: oh well, i can join Danny now.
the Doctor: please give this to Danny when you see him again. it's a maths book.
* Rigsy beautifully tags the TARDIS with a Clara tribute.
bobby: move along, thug, nothing to see here, no loitering.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "She's a Bayniac" Episode Discussion
learned:
* the real question is if I will live long enough to finally see Flashdance. bear with me, netflix, I want to chill with that movie so bad.
* Pigeon: whatcha doin'?
Marquess: I'm so excited.
Pigeon: like Jessie Spano caffeine pills excited?
Marquess: no, just cigarettes.
* Mike: smoking is a disgusting habit.
Marquess: what about all the stuff you've done?
Mike (angrily): do you want me to turn you into a ghost?!
* Pigeon: your wife is hot, sir, can I have a go? I'm getting a boner, see it?
husband: no.
Pigeon: dammit, I keep forgetting I'm a pigeon.
Mike: Pigeon's got time for bird sex.
* Yung: so much blood and cum on the floor. what do they call this? blemen?
Marquess: Tool lyrics.
* the eeriest part of that last scene with the creatures on the surface of their home planet wasn't the clicking of their tongues or the jizzcuzzi, it was the silence. there is no background music in space. yeah it was just too quiet.
* Pigeon: whatcha doin'?
Marquess: I'm so excited.
Pigeon: like Jessie Spano caffeine pills excited?
Marquess: no, just cigarettes.
* Mike: smoking is a disgusting habit.
Marquess: what about all the stuff you've done?
Mike (angrily): do you want me to turn you into a ghost?!
* Pigeon: your wife is hot, sir, can I have a go? I'm getting a boner, see it?
husband: no.
Pigeon: dammit, I keep forgetting I'm a pigeon.
Mike: Pigeon's got time for bird sex.
* Yung: so much blood and cum on the floor. what do they call this? blemen?
Marquess: Tool lyrics.
* the eeriest part of that last scene with the creatures on the surface of their home planet wasn't the clicking of their tongues or the jizzcuzzi, it was the silence. there is no background music in space. yeah it was just too quiet.
Doctor Who "Sleep No More" Episode Discussion
learned:
* do i have to do this if the episode is bad? just kidding, i wasn't smart enough to understand it.
* the Doctor: you can't just put Space in front of every word.
Clara: so this episode isn't Space Under the Lake? Space Cloverfield?
* Phoenix: sleep is essential to me. in fact it's the only thing i can count on in this life. it's not a rainy-day friend but a nighttime friend. i love it more than eating. i would never willingly do with less of it just to fill some work quota.
scientist: time is money.
Phoenix: but what if i'm a pot-smoking layabout all day long?
scientist: can i interest you in senior management? our company needs a CEO...
* Clara: Morpheus? like the god of dreams?
scientist: yes.
Clara (circles face): see? i'm not just this.
the Doctor: no, you're that butt you keep going on about.
* Clara knocks on the pod.
Clara: it's okay, you can get out now.
scientist: i'd rather stay inside here forever thank you. have you been watching the news? Earth is doomed.
the pod (music): Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream...
the Doctor knocks the pod.
the pod (music): sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight...
* Chopra: i should have listened to my mother and become a spiritual guru.
474: what is spirit?
Chopra; it's complicated. what's your favorite poem, 474?
474: what is poem?
Chopra: you're the gentlest killing machine i know. it's a good thing you're on our side.
474: what is side?
Chopra: aw shit
* Clara: i'm naming the eye-booger monster of the week Sandman.
the Doctor: i name the monsters.
Clara: sorry, Michelangelo.
the Doctor: wait, i see more monsters! there's a brown one made of mucus, Mucus Man. a red one made of blood, Pigment Pete.......and there's a white one...
Clara: can i name that one?
the Doctor: uh, no, let's just run away.
* Nagata shoots.
Clara: is that your answer to everything?!
Nagata: relax, it's a water gun, just trying to lighten the mood.
* scientist: hello, me again from the opening. so..........we are the monsters we seek to destroy? it was all a dream?
Moffat: i do have the dream life.
First Doctor: don't involve me in this mess!
Eccleston starts to laugh heartily. Matt Smith joins him.
Clara: i'll never forgive you, Matt, you abandoned me.
Matt: sorry, babe, i'm a ginger-chaser. i am in rehab.
Clara: so glad i'm leaving soon.
Capaldi: really wished i hadn't signed that lifetime contract.
scientist: wait, i've got it. okay, let's just start over. Scene 1: it was a dark and stormy night...
* do i have to do this if the episode is bad? just kidding, i wasn't smart enough to understand it.
* the Doctor: you can't just put Space in front of every word.
Clara: so this episode isn't Space Under the Lake? Space Cloverfield?
* Phoenix: sleep is essential to me. in fact it's the only thing i can count on in this life. it's not a rainy-day friend but a nighttime friend. i love it more than eating. i would never willingly do with less of it just to fill some work quota.
scientist: time is money.
Phoenix: but what if i'm a pot-smoking layabout all day long?
scientist: can i interest you in senior management? our company needs a CEO...
* Clara: Morpheus? like the god of dreams?
scientist: yes.
Clara (circles face): see? i'm not just this.
the Doctor: no, you're that butt you keep going on about.
* Clara knocks on the pod.
Clara: it's okay, you can get out now.
scientist: i'd rather stay inside here forever thank you. have you been watching the news? Earth is doomed.
the pod (music): Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream...
the Doctor knocks the pod.
the pod (music): sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight...
* Chopra: i should have listened to my mother and become a spiritual guru.
474: what is spirit?
Chopra; it's complicated. what's your favorite poem, 474?
474: what is poem?
Chopra: you're the gentlest killing machine i know. it's a good thing you're on our side.
474: what is side?
Chopra: aw shit
* Clara: i'm naming the eye-booger monster of the week Sandman.
the Doctor: i name the monsters.
Clara: sorry, Michelangelo.
the Doctor: wait, i see more monsters! there's a brown one made of mucus, Mucus Man. a red one made of blood, Pigment Pete.......and there's a white one...
Clara: can i name that one?
the Doctor: uh, no, let's just run away.
* Nagata shoots.
Clara: is that your answer to everything?!
Nagata: relax, it's a water gun, just trying to lighten the mood.
* scientist: hello, me again from the opening. so..........we are the monsters we seek to destroy? it was all a dream?
Moffat: i do have the dream life.
First Doctor: don't involve me in this mess!
Eccleston starts to laugh heartily. Matt Smith joins him.
Clara: i'll never forgive you, Matt, you abandoned me.
Matt: sorry, babe, i'm a ginger-chaser. i am in rehab.
Clara: so glad i'm leaving soon.
Capaldi: really wished i hadn't signed that lifetime contract.
scientist: wait, i've got it. okay, let's just start over. Scene 1: it was a dark and stormy night...
Monday, November 9, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "For the Troops" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Yung: your porn collection is disgusting! you need to meet a nice girl pigeon at the park before it's too late.
Pigeon: you mean there are female versions of me?! all this time wasted on humans.
Mike: ain't got no time for bird sex.
* Deezy: I got you, fam, I'll take the the case, it involves a couple of mommies?
Marquess: mummy.
* Mike crashes and all the power in the area goes out. Mike delivers an uppercut to the electrical pole and all the power comes back on.
* the babes entertain the troops.
Pigeon: sex is the best kind of improv...
* Mike gets stagefright and stares blankly at you on the other side of the screen for all eleven minutes...
* Yung: your porn collection is disgusting! you need to meet a nice girl pigeon at the park before it's too late.
Pigeon: you mean there are female versions of me?! all this time wasted on humans.
Mike: ain't got no time for bird sex.
* Deezy: I got you, fam, I'll take the the case, it involves a couple of mommies?
Marquess: mummy.
* Mike crashes and all the power in the area goes out. Mike delivers an uppercut to the electrical pole and all the power comes back on.
* the babes entertain the troops.
Pigeon: sex is the best kind of improv...
* Mike gets stagefright and stares blankly at you on the other side of the screen for all eleven minutes...
Doctor Who "The Zygon Inversion" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Clara: my calculator says BOOBIES. really, guys? i thought we were serious scifi.
Moffat tries to restrain his guffaw with his hand but can't.
* Clara: i can't brush my teeth, the toothpaste is black.
Gayle from Bob's Burgers: i got addicted to the black stuff.
* Bonnie: from now on you shall address me as Sexy Clara.
Clara: that's not cool. who am i?
Bonnie: i see what you did there. you are Dead Clara, uh i mean Clara And Danny Forever <3 Clara.
Osgood: who am i? neither all human nor all Zygon...
Bonnie: but all Companion. please reconsider.
* Bonnie: you can't lie to me, i can tell, our heartbeats are linked. what is the code?
Clara: should've just linked our brains...
* Kate: i was me the whole time, not a Zygon.
the Doctor: finally we get some good acting out of you!
* the Doctor: look it's quite simple. ready? here goes: war, what is it good for?
dead silence for ten minutes.
the Doctor: damn, i thought that would be good enough. i'm gonna have to earn my paycheck tonight, huh? alright, get ready for my magnificent ten-minute monologue...
* the Doctor: two boxes, impossible buttons, changing feelings, the same muddled outcome, uncertain future, the uselessness of war.
Bonnie: i understand but i still don't care.
the Doctor: if one of the boxes were a jack-in-the-box would that have changed things?
Bonnie: yes, i'm terrified of clowns. i would have surrendered.
the Doctor: damn it, O for 2.
* the Doctor: i'm a fan. i like your face.
Osgood: what are you implying, Doctor?
the Doctor: you're too competent to be a Companion. i'm gonna regenerate into you. you're gonna be the first Female Doctor! don't worry, we'll do some script doctoring to explain away how you were on the show before as a different character.
* Clara: my calculator says BOOBIES. really, guys? i thought we were serious scifi.
Moffat tries to restrain his guffaw with his hand but can't.
* Clara: i can't brush my teeth, the toothpaste is black.
Gayle from Bob's Burgers: i got addicted to the black stuff.
* Bonnie: from now on you shall address me as Sexy Clara.
Clara: that's not cool. who am i?
Bonnie: i see what you did there. you are Dead Clara, uh i mean Clara And Danny Forever <3 Clara.
Osgood: who am i? neither all human nor all Zygon...
Bonnie: but all Companion. please reconsider.
* Bonnie: you can't lie to me, i can tell, our heartbeats are linked. what is the code?
Clara: should've just linked our brains...
* Kate: i was me the whole time, not a Zygon.
the Doctor: finally we get some good acting out of you!
* the Doctor: look it's quite simple. ready? here goes: war, what is it good for?
dead silence for ten minutes.
the Doctor: damn, i thought that would be good enough. i'm gonna have to earn my paycheck tonight, huh? alright, get ready for my magnificent ten-minute monologue...
* the Doctor: two boxes, impossible buttons, changing feelings, the same muddled outcome, uncertain future, the uselessness of war.
Bonnie: i understand but i still don't care.
the Doctor: if one of the boxes were a jack-in-the-box would that have changed things?
Bonnie: yes, i'm terrified of clowns. i would have surrendered.
the Doctor: damn it, O for 2.
* the Doctor: i'm a fan. i like your face.
Osgood: what are you implying, Doctor?
the Doctor: you're too competent to be a Companion. i'm gonna regenerate into you. you're gonna be the first Female Doctor! don't worry, we'll do some script doctoring to explain away how you were on the show before as a different character.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories "Sauce Boy" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Rod Serling himself would be proud of this gorgeous series. this stuff is so good it should be in black and white.
* Eric: i don't like it when i play the straight guy, i want to get wacky like you. here's my pitch for next episode, i call it Eric and Tim's...
Tim: now THAT is scary.
* Eric: my name is Eric and i'm a diaperholic.
Tim: that's disgusting! hi, Eric, i know where you live.
Eric: this is supposed to be anonymous.
Tim: then why did you say your name? what do you think this is, the internet?
Eric: the internet isn't anonymous anymore, the drones know all.
Tim: the drones got nothing on my Uncle Sal's fist.
* Eric: why are you spitting out your food and drink?
Tim: i don't eat, i connoisseur. here's your cure, it's a placebo of sugar water. go to the bathroom.
Eric: you're right, it worked! i went in there and smelled the diaper and smelled chocolate! i immediately retched cos i hate chocolate. the sugar water is making me feel better, i'm not sluggish anymore, i got a pep in my step.
Tim: see? the power of the mind.
Eric: no, i'm diabetic.
* Tim: remember, i want this to be crystal clear, i said catfish, right?
Eric: catfish, got it. it's a little out of my way, but...
Tim: take my hearse. if you screw up, you're already in your final resting place.
* mafia don: no fries?! no drink?! catfish?! i said crawfish!
Eric: Tim, help me out, you said catfish.
Tim: no, i said crawfish................................but you're getting catfished right now.
* Eric: i will do my best to make the red sauce.
Tim: it better be the best sauce ever or you'll already be in your final resting place.
Eric: how's that?
Tim: we'll make the sauce your blood.
* Mama (singing): Camptown Races...........London Bridge Is Falling Down.........99 Bottles of Vino On the Wall Next To Your Mounted Head........ABCDEFG.....
crowd: Freebird!
Mama leaves the stage and returns in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
Mama: Oops, I Did It Again...
Tim: Mama, did you like the sauce?
Mama: i thought it was..................................terrible.
the mafia shoots Eric.
Eric (writhing): why?
Mama: sorry, i don't like Italian food.
* Tim: people are people, unchanging as the tides or a heart attack from too much rich, cholesterol-laden food.
Eric: that is so sad and determinist.
Tim: tell you what, you don't gotta dumpsterdive at no hospitals no more, i'll supply you.
Eric: how?
Tim: from my own private stash, i wear adult diapers....................(iris out)
Eric: catfish, got it. it's a little out of my way, but...
Tim: take my hearse. if you screw up, you're already in your final resting place.
* mafia don: no fries?! no drink?! catfish?! i said crawfish!
Eric: Tim, help me out, you said catfish.
Tim: no, i said crawfish................................but you're getting catfished right now.
* Eric: i will do my best to make the red sauce.
Tim: it better be the best sauce ever or you'll already be in your final resting place.
Eric: how's that?
Tim: we'll make the sauce your blood.
* Mama (singing): Camptown Races...........London Bridge Is Falling Down.........99 Bottles of Vino On the Wall Next To Your Mounted Head........ABCDEFG.....
crowd: Freebird!
Mama leaves the stage and returns in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
Mama: Oops, I Did It Again...
Tim: Mama, did you like the sauce?
Mama: i thought it was..................................terrible.
the mafia shoots Eric.
Eric (writhing): why?
Mama: sorry, i don't like Italian food.
* Tim: people are people, unchanging as the tides or a heart attack from too much rich, cholesterol-laden food.
Eric: that is so sad and determinist.
Tim: tell you what, you don't gotta dumpsterdive at no hospitals no more, i'll supply you.
Eric: how?
Tim: from my own private stash, i wear adult diapers....................(iris out)
Monday, November 2, 2015
Mike Tyson Mysteries "What's That Gnoise?" Episode Discussion
learned:
* don't hate me, but this is the best show on tv.
* this show is all about the awkward pauses.........................and the strange improv replies to jokes, y'know? like most sitcoms have the joke delivered, the canned laughter, and that's it, the plot moves on, but here, there's this weird pause after the joke followed by an offhand reply, like a "gimme a break", "oh brother", "god help me", "you're stupid", "in your dreams", "oooooooookay", "please" or an uncomfortable laugh from Pigeon.
* what happened to the guy who gave the bad review on yelp?
* Pigeon: does anyone in this family care that i'm in an oven?
Yung: Pigeon, this is the only way i'll ever eat you, if you're roast pigeon.
Pigeon: i may die, but what a way to go!
* Marquess: oh Mike you're crying. are you watching On Golden Pond?
Mike (wiping away tears on his blue tracksuit): nope, the Buster Douglas fight.
* Pigeon: wait, you mean to tell me someone fucked you four times?
Mike: sure, she's a soccer mom, she needs to have enough for a soccer team.
* soccer mom: i am so stereotypically harried, i gotta get the boy to ballet, the chubby girl to fat camp, and my ass to night school. and my husband thinks i'm a liar. does anyone hear that noise?
Pigeon: no, but it does sound like you need a new husband. i could get rid of him for you and we could make some noises.
soccer mom: no thank you.
Mike: me?
soccer mom: um, no thank you. how about you?
soccer mom looks lovingly at Yung.
Yung: me?! oh, no, sorry, i'm going to college soon.
* Pigeon: hey boy, have you jacked off yet? it's not normal you know.
boy (to psychiatrist): a talking pigeon told me masturbation was unnatural.
psychiatrist: get this kid a ward bed, he's crazy.
Pigeon: see?
* Mike tears apart soccer mom's car.
soccer mom: a gnome, that's what made the gnoise. i'm not crazy! hello tiny bearded magic man, how are you? wanna be my new husband?
gnome: sorry, toots, you're cute and all, you look like Jane Pauley, but i'm gonna die in your dog's mouth soon.
soccer mom: thank you. who's gonna pay to repair my car you tore up?
Mike: oh sorry, just deduct it from our bill. and please leave a glowing review on yelp, that's all that really matters. i've always wanted to destroy a car like my hero Michael Jackson. we Mikes have to stick together.
soccer mom: RIP MJ, king of pop, greatest songs ever.
Mike: he did music?
* don't hate me, but this is the best show on tv.
* this show is all about the awkward pauses.........................and the strange improv replies to jokes, y'know? like most sitcoms have the joke delivered, the canned laughter, and that's it, the plot moves on, but here, there's this weird pause after the joke followed by an offhand reply, like a "gimme a break", "oh brother", "god help me", "you're stupid", "in your dreams", "oooooooookay", "please" or an uncomfortable laugh from Pigeon.
* what happened to the guy who gave the bad review on yelp?
* Pigeon: does anyone in this family care that i'm in an oven?
Yung: Pigeon, this is the only way i'll ever eat you, if you're roast pigeon.
Pigeon: i may die, but what a way to go!
* Marquess: oh Mike you're crying. are you watching On Golden Pond?
Mike (wiping away tears on his blue tracksuit): nope, the Buster Douglas fight.
* Pigeon: wait, you mean to tell me someone fucked you four times?
Mike: sure, she's a soccer mom, she needs to have enough for a soccer team.
* soccer mom: i am so stereotypically harried, i gotta get the boy to ballet, the chubby girl to fat camp, and my ass to night school. and my husband thinks i'm a liar. does anyone hear that noise?
Pigeon: no, but it does sound like you need a new husband. i could get rid of him for you and we could make some noises.
soccer mom: no thank you.
Mike: me?
soccer mom: um, no thank you. how about you?
soccer mom looks lovingly at Yung.
Yung: me?! oh, no, sorry, i'm going to college soon.
* Pigeon: hey boy, have you jacked off yet? it's not normal you know.
boy (to psychiatrist): a talking pigeon told me masturbation was unnatural.
psychiatrist: get this kid a ward bed, he's crazy.
Pigeon: see?
* Mike tears apart soccer mom's car.
soccer mom: a gnome, that's what made the gnoise. i'm not crazy! hello tiny bearded magic man, how are you? wanna be my new husband?
gnome: sorry, toots, you're cute and all, you look like Jane Pauley, but i'm gonna die in your dog's mouth soon.
soccer mom: thank you. who's gonna pay to repair my car you tore up?
Mike: oh sorry, just deduct it from our bill. and please leave a glowing review on yelp, that's all that really matters. i've always wanted to destroy a car like my hero Michael Jackson. we Mikes have to stick together.
soccer mom: RIP MJ, king of pop, greatest songs ever.
Mike: he did music?
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Doctor Who "The Zygon Invasion" Episode Discussion
learned:
* once, there were three Doctors, especially Tennant, we keep seeing flashbacks of Tennant, probably subliminal, showcasing the nostalgic better days, when the show really mattered. *sigh* hey, so what's Tennant doing now, just out of curiosity?
Tennant: i'm right here in space. you know in space they can't hear you sigh.
narrator: you are?! joy! gumdrops! can you come back?!
Tennant: i'm busy helping out four turtles at the moment.
narrator: oh come on!
* twin girls: our mommy says never talk to strangers.
the Doctor: good advice, i'm the strangest man you'll ever meet. who's your mommy?
twin girls: Missy.
the Doctor: please don't tell her you saw me. please? look, i'll give you a ride in my TARDIS over to a boy who's riding a kid's bike down the halls of a cavernous hotel, go bother him, have fun, here's some blood.
* Colonel Walsh: just because you're paranoid don't mean there're not after you.
the Doctor: Cobain forever.
Colonel Walsh: sure but also i'm a Zygon. i'll reveal myself in Part 2.
the Doctor: what?
Colonel Walsh: nothing.
* Zygons: TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES!!!
Kate: but i DID get my pets spayed or neutered.
* the Doctor: bombing is never the answer, it'll radicalize the moderates. go watch Off the Air "Conflict".
Kate: well then what do you suggest?! look at my face, it's cuter now that it's angry.
the Doctor: easy, the secret weapon against ISIS is my sonic sunglasses.
Moffat: sorry, sorry, that wasn't supposed to be in the final script, i swear, honest mistake.
female soldier: i can't bomb the enemy, they look like my family.
the Doctor: is it weird that when i look at them all i see is David Tennant? just David Tennants everywhere...
* the Doctor: i want to make sure i've got this correct: there are two Osgoods?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: two of them?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: send both of them to my hotel room immediately, i need to chat them up i mean have a chat with them about the lotion the uh location of the enemy.
* Clara: i thought you hated being President of the World.
the Doctor: i love poncing around on this jet. sometimes Mr. Trump even lets me wear his red cap.
* Hitchley: okay we're gonna do that trope, mom, ready? gotta prove you're my real mom, mom. what is my date of birth?
mom: i dunno. look tbh i was contemplating not having you uh i mean i'm bad with dates.
Hitchley: what was the name of my teddy bear?
mom: Patches.
Hitchley shoots mom-alien.
Colonel Walsh: why did you finally decide to do it?
Hitchley: i always hated Patches. mom loved Patches more than me.
* the Doctor: let's be honest, you're human.
Osgood: i reject that concept, it's not either/or, i'm both human and Zygon, i'm a hybrid.
the Doctor: please don't use that dirty word around me.
Osgood: great, more bisexual nullification on tv.
* Clara: the middle-aged always think the world is coming to an end.
Jac: also, a woman becomes a horny teenage boy when she hits middle age.
Clara: boo! i'm a Zygon. it is Halloween after all.
Jac: Bad Clara is sexier than Cipher Clara.
Clara shoots a shoulder-fired missile.
Jac: and Badass Clara is sexier than Bad Clara. can i have your babies?
* once, there were three Doctors, especially Tennant, we keep seeing flashbacks of Tennant, probably subliminal, showcasing the nostalgic better days, when the show really mattered. *sigh* hey, so what's Tennant doing now, just out of curiosity?
Tennant: i'm right here in space. you know in space they can't hear you sigh.
narrator: you are?! joy! gumdrops! can you come back?!
Tennant: i'm busy helping out four turtles at the moment.
narrator: oh come on!
* twin girls: our mommy says never talk to strangers.
the Doctor: good advice, i'm the strangest man you'll ever meet. who's your mommy?
twin girls: Missy.
the Doctor: please don't tell her you saw me. please? look, i'll give you a ride in my TARDIS over to a boy who's riding a kid's bike down the halls of a cavernous hotel, go bother him, have fun, here's some blood.
* Colonel Walsh: just because you're paranoid don't mean there're not after you.
the Doctor: Cobain forever.
Colonel Walsh: sure but also i'm a Zygon. i'll reveal myself in Part 2.
the Doctor: what?
Colonel Walsh: nothing.
* Zygons: TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES!!!
Kate: but i DID get my pets spayed or neutered.
* the Doctor: bombing is never the answer, it'll radicalize the moderates. go watch Off the Air "Conflict".
Kate: well then what do you suggest?! look at my face, it's cuter now that it's angry.
the Doctor: easy, the secret weapon against ISIS is my sonic sunglasses.
Moffat: sorry, sorry, that wasn't supposed to be in the final script, i swear, honest mistake.
female soldier: i can't bomb the enemy, they look like my family.
the Doctor: is it weird that when i look at them all i see is David Tennant? just David Tennants everywhere...
* the Doctor: i want to make sure i've got this correct: there are two Osgoods?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: two of them?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: send both of them to my hotel room immediately, i need to chat them up i mean have a chat with them about the lotion the uh location of the enemy.
* Clara: i thought you hated being President of the World.
the Doctor: i love poncing around on this jet. sometimes Mr. Trump even lets me wear his red cap.
* Hitchley: okay we're gonna do that trope, mom, ready? gotta prove you're my real mom, mom. what is my date of birth?
mom: i dunno. look tbh i was contemplating not having you uh i mean i'm bad with dates.
Hitchley: what was the name of my teddy bear?
mom: Patches.
Hitchley shoots mom-alien.
Colonel Walsh: why did you finally decide to do it?
Hitchley: i always hated Patches. mom loved Patches more than me.
* the Doctor: let's be honest, you're human.
Osgood: i reject that concept, it's not either/or, i'm both human and Zygon, i'm a hybrid.
the Doctor: please don't use that dirty word around me.
Osgood: great, more bisexual nullification on tv.
* Clara: the middle-aged always think the world is coming to an end.
Jac: also, a woman becomes a horny teenage boy when she hits middle age.
Clara: boo! i'm a Zygon. it is Halloween after all.
Jac: Bad Clara is sexier than Cipher Clara.
Clara shoots a shoulder-fired missile.
Jac: and Badass Clara is sexier than Bad Clara. can i have your babies?
Monday, October 26, 2015
Doctor Who "The Woman Who Lived" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Ashildr: i am robbing you!
the Doctor: of my hamburgers?
* Ashildr: i am Me.
the Doctor: B?
Ashildr: no, Me.
the Doctor: oh sorry, i'm remembering in the wrong direction, premonition of your character before your epiphany.
* the Doctor: i read your diary.
Ashildr: how dare you! did you find anything life-altering?
the Doctor: no, seeing as you're immortal. you lost your children, that's something a mother never forgets no matter how old.
Ashildr: damn you! why didn't you stop the Plague?!!
the Doctor: i was in a rock band then.
Ashildr: immortality is a curse.
the Doctor: it's cool for like the first thousand years. then your face starts to get all big.
Ashildr: why couldn't you make my memory immortal, too?
the Doctor: believe me, you do not want to remember your awkward teenage years.
Ashildr: take me with you, Doctor!
the Doctor: it wouldn't work out. God needed a break from Jesus living in His basement, He went out for a pack of censer smokes and never came back. it's in the Bible.
* the Doctor: if you kill this man's shortlife, you'll make an enemy out of me.
Ashildr: exactly.
* Leandro: this is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. it is her world...a world apart from mine. her name is...Me. from the moment i saw her she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage. i knew then as i know now that she would change my life...forever.
the Doctor: hey Vincent, meet me in the woods, i got some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers that need toasting. campfires don't exist yet, right? wait, do marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers exist yet?
* Sam Swift: that kiss was hot.
Ashildr: do you know how old i am?
Sam Swift: i'm into gilfs.
* the Doctor: oh Clara, hi! you're here! i didn't miss you at all i mean how are you?
Clara: what have you been up to all episode? i've been doing some madcap school stuff myself.
the Doctor: oh just finding your replacement.
Clara: don't worry, Doctor, i'll never leave your side for a couple more episodes. and then i'll turn to dust.
the Doctor: i know i know, let's all be honest here, there will never be another Sarah Jane...
* Ashildr: i am robbing you!
the Doctor: of my hamburgers?
* Ashildr: i am Me.
the Doctor: B?
Ashildr: no, Me.
the Doctor: oh sorry, i'm remembering in the wrong direction, premonition of your character before your epiphany.
* the Doctor: i read your diary.
Ashildr: how dare you! did you find anything life-altering?
the Doctor: no, seeing as you're immortal. you lost your children, that's something a mother never forgets no matter how old.
Ashildr: damn you! why didn't you stop the Plague?!!
the Doctor: i was in a rock band then.
Ashildr: immortality is a curse.
the Doctor: it's cool for like the first thousand years. then your face starts to get all big.
Ashildr: why couldn't you make my memory immortal, too?
the Doctor: believe me, you do not want to remember your awkward teenage years.
Ashildr: take me with you, Doctor!
the Doctor: it wouldn't work out. God needed a break from Jesus living in His basement, He went out for a pack of censer smokes and never came back. it's in the Bible.
* the Doctor: if you kill this man's shortlife, you'll make an enemy out of me.
Ashildr: exactly.
* Leandro: this is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. it is her world...a world apart from mine. her name is...Me. from the moment i saw her she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage. i knew then as i know now that she would change my life...forever.
the Doctor: hey Vincent, meet me in the woods, i got some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers that need toasting. campfires don't exist yet, right? wait, do marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers exist yet?
* Sam Swift: that kiss was hot.
Ashildr: do you know how old i am?
Sam Swift: i'm into gilfs.
* the Doctor: oh Clara, hi! you're here! i didn't miss you at all i mean how are you?
Clara: what have you been up to all episode? i've been doing some madcap school stuff myself.
the Doctor: oh just finding your replacement.
Clara: don't worry, Doctor, i'll never leave your side for a couple more episodes. and then i'll turn to dust.
the Doctor: i know i know, let's all be honest here, there will never be another Sarah Jane...
Monday, October 19, 2015
Doctor Who "The Girl Who Died" Episode Discussion
learned:
* the Doctor: want to play a Game, little girl?
Arya: okay, let's hear them all, get them all out of your system.
the Doctor: Arya excited to see me?
the Doctor: Winter isn't the only thing that's coming.
Arya: that's gross, old man!
the Doctor: no I meant the Doctor and Clara are coming, that's all.
* the Doctor: behold my sonic yo-yo! next week Moffat's got me wearing a sonic red Make America Great Again cap.
* villagers: do not mock our beliefs! we believe a man in the clouds controls our destinies, if we don't please him, we die.
the Doctor: agreed, you can't help being simple and less technologically-advanced.
villagers: do you believe in a God, sir?
the Doctor: I am God.
villagers: but what happens when you die?
the Doctor: I will never die...
* Arya: I will fight you to the death!
false Odin: that's the proper Viking way! I was just about to surrender in writing.
Clara: so close. Arya, what's the point of throwing your life away in hopeless battle?
Arya: honor.
Clara: don't you want to live long enough to pick out a prom dress?
* the Doctor: I can speak baby.
Clara: what is it saying?
the Doctor: it's saying I want my mommy and it's coming from your belly. Danny's?
Clara: um, no, remember last year when we both got drunk, ditched the Christmas party, and huddled together for warmth on the surface of the sun?...
* the Doctor: I've got it! electric eels!
the Doctor tries the eels but they don't work.
the Doctor: where's all the power?
Arya: they're PG&E eels.
* the Doctor: the technology under the helmet fried her poor brain.
Clara: same thing happened when Nintendo rolled out the Virtual Boy.
* the Doctor: I have randomly decided to make you immortal.
Arya: thanks for healing me and everything but I think you went a little overboard.
the Doctor: I always want to have you by my side.
Arya: that's gross, old man.
* villagers: do not mock our beliefs! we believe a man in the clouds controls our destinies, if we don't please him, we die.
the Doctor: agreed, you can't help being simple and less technologically-advanced.
villagers: do you believe in a God, sir?
the Doctor: I am God.
villagers: but what happens when you die?
the Doctor: I will never die...
* Arya: I will fight you to the death!
false Odin: that's the proper Viking way! I was just about to surrender in writing.
Clara: so close. Arya, what's the point of throwing your life away in hopeless battle?
Arya: honor.
Clara: don't you want to live long enough to pick out a prom dress?
* the Doctor: I can speak baby.
Clara: what is it saying?
the Doctor: it's saying I want my mommy and it's coming from your belly. Danny's?
Clara: um, no, remember last year when we both got drunk, ditched the Christmas party, and huddled together for warmth on the surface of the sun?...
* the Doctor: I've got it! electric eels!
the Doctor tries the eels but they don't work.
the Doctor: where's all the power?
Arya: they're PG&E eels.
* the Doctor: the technology under the helmet fried her poor brain.
Clara: same thing happened when Nintendo rolled out the Virtual Boy.
* the Doctor: I have randomly decided to make you immortal.
Arya: thanks for healing me and everything but I think you went a little overboard.
the Doctor: I always want to have you by my side.
Arya: that's gross, old man.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "Heaven" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i smell spinoff...
* who does God's clerical work, the DMV? (which stands for Demonic Motive Visored)
* this proves once and for all that golf is Zen.
* no, pottery gets the women, just ask the movie Ghost, which has the perfect title for this discussion.
* okay so obviously the people in Heaven are mindnumbingly boring, Hell obviously has the more interesting people, so....Hell is better, the more desirable place to end up? so then what's the point of it all? i'm so confused. what doth life?
* everyone's prayers could have been answered if not for one major design flaw...
* in Heaven there are still dicks in the workplace...and asses. God's Butt btw...look at the Pillars of Creation...i'm not saying they look like fart gas, i'm just sayin'.
* in Heaven you can be edgy but you can't take it too far and fall off the edge. Earth may be round but Heaven is flat.
* welcome back to Hell, Gary! the more interesting place! tonight's movie: Ghost.
* i smell spinoff...
* who does God's clerical work, the DMV? (which stands for Demonic Motive Visored)
* this proves once and for all that golf is Zen.
* no, pottery gets the women, just ask the movie Ghost, which has the perfect title for this discussion.
* okay so obviously the people in Heaven are mindnumbingly boring, Hell obviously has the more interesting people, so....Hell is better, the more desirable place to end up? so then what's the point of it all? i'm so confused. what doth life?
* everyone's prayers could have been answered if not for one major design flaw...
* in Heaven there are still dicks in the workplace...and asses. God's Butt btw...look at the Pillars of Creation...i'm not saying they look like fart gas, i'm just sayin'.
* in Heaven you can be edgy but you can't take it too far and fall off the edge. Earth may be round but Heaven is flat.
* welcome back to Hell, Gary! the more interesting place! tonight's movie: Ghost.
Doctor Who "Before the Flood" Episode Discussion
learned:
* or is it After?
* Clara: but you can always change things, right?
the Doctor: Clara, i'm afraid i'm dead, that event has already happened.
Clara: no...NOOOOOOOO!...............can you at least go back to when the decision was made about the sunglasses and change that?
* the Doctor: what is Ghost Doctor mumbling?
Cass: it's a list of names, that's it.
the Doctor: interesting.......i'm thinking it's the chances each of you has of landing the next Star Wars movie, least to greatest.
* Bennett: yeah you care when it's Clara but what about poor O'Donnell?
the Doctor (reading his cards): i'm sorry for the loss of your pet.............listen, i get it, i thought she was hot, too.
* Bennett: i just want to tell O'Donnell i love her...
the Doctor: you can't! the time paradox thing, remember? this has nothing to do with me being jealous.
* Ghost O'Donnell takes Clara's iphone.
Clara: I'VE BEEN SAMSUNGED!!!
* the Fisher King: see, this is not Alien at all, i can talk.
* the Fisher King: others will do the dirty work for me...
the Doctor: sorry if i'm not intimidated but you really just look like a really tall dude in a rubber suit. Neil, is that you? missed you at the pub last night.
the Fisher King: yeah i was preparing for a role on some show, decided to shoot some hoops alone to clear my mind.
* Bennett: hey Cass, Lunn, fuck already. say i love you to her.
Lunn: i love you.
Cass: Bennett loves me?
Lunn: no, I love you.
Bennett: wait, do you love me, Cass? i could make that work.
Cass: no.
Bennett: oh. what am i gonna do without O'Donnell?
Clara: you have to move on, always move on, there're plenty more fish under the lake, sometimes they're just under your nose...
Bennett: so do you want to hook up here or in the Faraday cage?
Clara: no, i didn't mean me, i'm leaving the show soon.
* the Doctor: the question is, who came up with the bootstrap paradox in the first place? google it. but who came up with google in the first place? the answer to all your questions causally loops back to one man and one man alone: Moffat.
* or is it After?
* Clara: but you can always change things, right?
the Doctor: Clara, i'm afraid i'm dead, that event has already happened.
Clara: no...NOOOOOOOO!...............can you at least go back to when the decision was made about the sunglasses and change that?
* the Doctor: what is Ghost Doctor mumbling?
Cass: it's a list of names, that's it.
the Doctor: interesting.......i'm thinking it's the chances each of you has of landing the next Star Wars movie, least to greatest.
* Bennett: yeah you care when it's Clara but what about poor O'Donnell?
the Doctor (reading his cards): i'm sorry for the loss of your pet.............listen, i get it, i thought she was hot, too.
* Bennett: i just want to tell O'Donnell i love her...
the Doctor: you can't! the time paradox thing, remember? this has nothing to do with me being jealous.
* Ghost O'Donnell takes Clara's iphone.
Clara: I'VE BEEN SAMSUNGED!!!
* the Fisher King: see, this is not Alien at all, i can talk.
* the Fisher King: others will do the dirty work for me...
the Doctor: sorry if i'm not intimidated but you really just look like a really tall dude in a rubber suit. Neil, is that you? missed you at the pub last night.
the Fisher King: yeah i was preparing for a role on some show, decided to shoot some hoops alone to clear my mind.
* Bennett: hey Cass, Lunn, fuck already. say i love you to her.
Lunn: i love you.
Cass: Bennett loves me?
Lunn: no, I love you.
Bennett: wait, do you love me, Cass? i could make that work.
Cass: no.
Bennett: oh. what am i gonna do without O'Donnell?
Clara: you have to move on, always move on, there're plenty more fish under the lake, sometimes they're just under your nose...
Bennett: so do you want to hook up here or in the Faraday cage?
Clara: no, i didn't mean me, i'm leaving the show soon.
* the Doctor: the question is, who came up with the bootstrap paradox in the first place? google it. but who came up with google in the first place? the answer to all your questions causally loops back to one man and one man alone: Moffat.
Monday, October 5, 2015
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "Krampus Nacht" Episode Discussion
learned:
* WRONG HOLIDAY!
* Satan: it's become too commercialized, Jesus doesn't get the credit anymore. Santa and all the presents in bright shiny bows commercialized it. don't read too much into the fact that Santa sounds like Satan and he wears red all the time.
* Krampus: my son is a disgrace, he's an embarrassment to the Krampus name, he won't even touch the rim of my drowning tub. he's all goody-goody, he wants to warn the villagers beforehand. what i do is art.
son: art is so stuffy, so corporate, so soul-deadening. didn't you ever want to follow a dream when you were a youth, papa? against all odds, i want to express myself. i WILL be a coal miner whether you or mom or the rest of the family wants me to or not!
* mother spanks her child.
child: it hurts, mommy! why do you do this to me?!
mother: hey it's either me or the Krampus with a shoe, your choice.
* Claude: here, use my gun to kill the Krampus.
Gary: you've had a gun this whole time?! why haven't you used it yet?!
Claude: Gary you have no idea how hard i've had to work to suppress my desire to shoot you.
* Gary: it's so weird seeing the Krampus like this. he's not the legend he once was.
Claude: yeah, he's Montana as a Chief, Jordan as a Wizard, Nadal...
Gary: don't you dare lump Nadal in with those hasbeens! all he needs is a new coach and some new knees.
* Gary's little nephew: please, mommy, get me that toy gun. i promise i won't become a psychopath.
kid gets the toy gun and shoots it at mommy and daddy.
Gary's little nephew: i lied.
* WRONG HOLIDAY!
* Satan: it's become too commercialized, Jesus doesn't get the credit anymore. Santa and all the presents in bright shiny bows commercialized it. don't read too much into the fact that Santa sounds like Satan and he wears red all the time.
* Krampus: my son is a disgrace, he's an embarrassment to the Krampus name, he won't even touch the rim of my drowning tub. he's all goody-goody, he wants to warn the villagers beforehand. what i do is art.
son: art is so stuffy, so corporate, so soul-deadening. didn't you ever want to follow a dream when you were a youth, papa? against all odds, i want to express myself. i WILL be a coal miner whether you or mom or the rest of the family wants me to or not!
* mother spanks her child.
child: it hurts, mommy! why do you do this to me?!
mother: hey it's either me or the Krampus with a shoe, your choice.
* Claude: here, use my gun to kill the Krampus.
Gary: you've had a gun this whole time?! why haven't you used it yet?!
Claude: Gary you have no idea how hard i've had to work to suppress my desire to shoot you.
* Gary: it's so weird seeing the Krampus like this. he's not the legend he once was.
Claude: yeah, he's Montana as a Chief, Jordan as a Wizard, Nadal...
Gary: don't you dare lump Nadal in with those hasbeens! all he needs is a new coach and some new knees.
* Gary's little nephew: please, mommy, get me that toy gun. i promise i won't become a psychopath.
kid gets the toy gun and shoots it at mommy and daddy.
Gary's little nephew: i lied.
Doctor Who "Under the Lake" Episode Discussion
learned:
* that opening narration was so Picard.
* why it always gotta be the black dude who gets it first?
* this is not an Alien ripoff. underwater, not space.
* the Doctor: i love how you crew use a hybrid sign-language/vocal method of language, it's so quiet.
Clara: remember, Doctor, use your politeness cards.
the Doctor: hey Clara, why don't you adopt this sign language for the rest of the episode? it'd be rude not to. when in Rome and everything.
the Doctor: did you see that?!
Clara: what? i mean *sign for what*
the Doctor: the company man flicked me off! that doesn't need a sound, that sign is universal.
* the Doctor: Clara, i think we've met the babe who can replace you when you go: O'Donnell.
Clara: you just like her cos she thinks you can do no wrong.
the Doctor: sure, she feeds my immense ego...and that body of hers doesn't hurt, either. but most of all, she's happy to be here. Clara? are you listening? get off the phone!
Clara: sorry, i'm trying to get on the next season of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here.
* Clara: what does the inscription say?
the Doctor: it's an earworm, like "You Oughta Know." it all makes sense now, the ghosts, i know what they were trying to say, it wasn't a warning about going down to the theatre, it's about going down on you in a theatre.
* Cass: the ghosts only come out at night.
the ghosts turn off the lights during the day.
Cass: they're ghosts, right? they can't pick up corporeal items.
the ghosts pick up a harpoon and shoot it at the Doctor.
Cass: what if they're friendly? like Casper?
the Doctor (straps on proton pack): okay, i've had enough of this fuckery.
* the Doctor: you're a scientist. this could be a new species. where's your sense of adventure?
the scientist: exactly, i'm a scientist, there is no afterlife, i'm not gonna die for nothing, get me the fuck off this underwater hellhole!
* that opening narration was so Picard.
* why it always gotta be the black dude who gets it first?
* this is not an Alien ripoff. underwater, not space.
* the Doctor: i love how you crew use a hybrid sign-language/vocal method of language, it's so quiet.
Clara: remember, Doctor, use your politeness cards.
the Doctor: hey Clara, why don't you adopt this sign language for the rest of the episode? it'd be rude not to. when in Rome and everything.
the Doctor: did you see that?!
Clara: what? i mean *sign for what*
the Doctor: the company man flicked me off! that doesn't need a sound, that sign is universal.
* the Doctor: Clara, i think we've met the babe who can replace you when you go: O'Donnell.
Clara: you just like her cos she thinks you can do no wrong.
the Doctor: sure, she feeds my immense ego...and that body of hers doesn't hurt, either. but most of all, she's happy to be here. Clara? are you listening? get off the phone!
Clara: sorry, i'm trying to get on the next season of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here.
* Clara: what does the inscription say?
the Doctor: it's an earworm, like "You Oughta Know." it all makes sense now, the ghosts, i know what they were trying to say, it wasn't a warning about going down to the theatre, it's about going down on you in a theatre.
* Cass: the ghosts only come out at night.
the ghosts turn off the lights during the day.
Cass: they're ghosts, right? they can't pick up corporeal items.
the ghosts pick up a harpoon and shoot it at the Doctor.
Cass: what if they're friendly? like Casper?
the Doctor (straps on proton pack): okay, i've had enough of this fuckery.
* the Doctor: you're a scientist. this could be a new species. where's your sense of adventure?
the scientist: exactly, i'm a scientist, there is no afterlife, i'm not gonna die for nothing, get me the fuck off this underwater hellhole!
Monday, September 28, 2015
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "Spunk" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Claude doesn't sound drunk, he sounds like someone sounding drunk.
* Satan can't hold his liquor? that explains the Catholic Mass so much. all that altar wine in the backroom is the Last Stand.
* i feel so sorry for that spider. on the other hand, it was a fun workplace for him.
* even Spielberg listens to his actors. except that one time when Tom Hanks wanted his character in Saving Private Ryan to be Forrest Gump running through history.
* you'd think the tripping-out place would be arctic in a snowstorm, not a hot beach. you can still have the babes, but they'd be snowboarding hot-cocoa-sippin' snow bunnies. okay, cold cocoa.
* Claude doesn't sound drunk, he sounds like someone sounding drunk.
* Satan can't hold his liquor? that explains the Catholic Mass so much. all that altar wine in the backroom is the Last Stand.
* i feel so sorry for that spider. on the other hand, it was a fun workplace for him.
* even Spielberg listens to his actors. except that one time when Tom Hanks wanted his character in Saving Private Ryan to be Forrest Gump running through history.
* you'd think the tripping-out place would be arctic in a snowstorm, not a hot beach. you can still have the babes, but they'd be snowboarding hot-cocoa-sippin' snow bunnies. okay, cold cocoa.
Vicious "Wedding" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Violet: Ash, i have a confession to make. that previous confession when i said we didn't do anything together in that bed was a lie, we did in fact fuck.
Ash: i'm so confused.
Violet: i know, that's what i love about you, dahlin. i'm telling you this cos my husband is back in town and he's a very jealous man. i have a confession to make: i hate him. he's cruel and horrible. i wouldn't bat an eye if he just sort of, y'know, "disappeared".
Ash: i can't do that, Violet, we gotta have at least one member of my family stay out of prison.
Violet: well now, Ash, you're clever after all.
* Mason and Penelope go to pick up the cake.
young woman at counter: i....don't...know....anything.
Mason: do you know how much i hate you?
young woman at counter: thanks, dad.
* Ash: OMG i think Stuart's mum died right in my arms!
Violet: so this is Weekend at Bernie's?
Freddie: yes, but British Bernie, dignified.
* Freddie: why are you here?!
Mason: well i am your brother.
Freddie: really? good job, show, keeping that secret until now. what other secret relationships do you have?
Mason: Penelope's my mistress, i am one of Violet's ex-husbands, Stuart is my butler, the real Balthazar is at my flat and healthy, and Ash is my son.
Freddie (shakes Mason's hand): glad to see you're out of prison, my man. what's your name again?
* Stuart cries at the phone thinking about his mother. Freddie comforts him.
Freddie: there, there, i love you. these are real tears, right?
Stuart (continues crying awkwardly): of course, i'm Method like you.
* i will not Breathe
until Season Three...
* Violet: Ash, i have a confession to make. that previous confession when i said we didn't do anything together in that bed was a lie, we did in fact fuck.
Ash: i'm so confused.
Violet: i know, that's what i love about you, dahlin. i'm telling you this cos my husband is back in town and he's a very jealous man. i have a confession to make: i hate him. he's cruel and horrible. i wouldn't bat an eye if he just sort of, y'know, "disappeared".
Ash: i can't do that, Violet, we gotta have at least one member of my family stay out of prison.
Violet: well now, Ash, you're clever after all.
* Mason and Penelope go to pick up the cake.
young woman at counter: i....don't...know....anything.
Mason: do you know how much i hate you?
young woman at counter: thanks, dad.
* Ash: OMG i think Stuart's mum died right in my arms!
Violet: so this is Weekend at Bernie's?
Freddie: yes, but British Bernie, dignified.
* Freddie: why are you here?!
Mason: well i am your brother.
Freddie: really? good job, show, keeping that secret until now. what other secret relationships do you have?
Mason: Penelope's my mistress, i am one of Violet's ex-husbands, Stuart is my butler, the real Balthazar is at my flat and healthy, and Ash is my son.
Freddie (shakes Mason's hand): glad to see you're out of prison, my man. what's your name again?
* Stuart cries at the phone thinking about his mother. Freddie comforts him.
Freddie: there, there, i love you. these are real tears, right?
Stuart (continues crying awkwardly): of course, i'm Method like you.
* i will not Breathe
until Season Three...
Doctor Who "The Witch's Familiar" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Missy (sharpening stick) i'm gonna eat you..................oh, wasn't trying to make that sound as cheeky as it did.
Clara: there's no going back now, we're OTP.
* Clara: what's up with these sewers?
Missy: they're decomposed Daleks.
Clara: no wonder they're angry all the time. it's a gift to be able to die.
Missy: i'm glad you think that way (sharpening stick).
* Davros: you have the power to commit genocide, how does it feel to be a god?
the Doctor: come on, man, that's not what God is about, at least that shouldn't be the first thing you think of when you think of God. can we take a break from all the negativity? at least for this week that the Pope is here?
* the Doctor spins around in an half-cut-open Dalek casing.
the Doctor: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE
Missy: that's my line. why are you having so much fun with this? it's the Daleks' worst nightmare, right?
the Doctor: no, i never got to ride the bumper cars when i was a kid. i don't remember being a child actually, it's like i started as an old man.
* Clara: what's the Dalek word for love?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about hate?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about exterminate?
Missy: Moffat's critics. Steven has had it and programmed that into the Daleks himself when Davros was sleeping.
* Davros: let me see with my own eyes.
the Doctor: i'm crying. i'll help you. you can now cry through your eyes.
Davros: i tricked you! i hate the sun, my skin burns easily as you can imagine. now all of my Dalek children are half-Dalek, half-Time Lord, they're Dalek Deities!
Missy: excuse me, i'm a Time Lady.
Davros: no one asked you, Bitch's Familiar............sorry, that last comment was out of line, i had a rough childhood.
the Doctor: AH-HA! i tricked YOU, Davros! Doctors don't cry, we'd never be able to do our job, we have to make calculating, emotionless decisions that affect whole worlds. also, i hate the sun, too. i got rid of a star once with one wave of my sonic screwdriver/shades.
Missy: that's cold....literally.
Davros: i like you. wanna fuck?
Missy: sorry, dear, i'm taken apparently.
Sarff: Master, i...
Missy: yes?
Sarff: not you! my master, Davros.
Davros: what do you want you Harry Potter reject?
* child Davros: please help me! you said you would! you promised! you said i had a chance!
the Doctor: okay i'll only help you if we NEVER EVER see this flashback of you as a boy on the planet's scarred surface with the smoke again! what is this, the fifth, sixth time we've seen this? i've unintentionally memorized this scene.
* Missy (sharpening stick) i'm gonna eat you..................oh, wasn't trying to make that sound as cheeky as it did.
Clara: there's no going back now, we're OTP.
* Clara: what's up with these sewers?
Missy: they're decomposed Daleks.
Clara: no wonder they're angry all the time. it's a gift to be able to die.
Missy: i'm glad you think that way (sharpening stick).
* Davros: you have the power to commit genocide, how does it feel to be a god?
the Doctor: come on, man, that's not what God is about, at least that shouldn't be the first thing you think of when you think of God. can we take a break from all the negativity? at least for this week that the Pope is here?
* the Doctor spins around in an half-cut-open Dalek casing.
the Doctor: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE
Missy: that's my line. why are you having so much fun with this? it's the Daleks' worst nightmare, right?
the Doctor: no, i never got to ride the bumper cars when i was a kid. i don't remember being a child actually, it's like i started as an old man.
* Clara: what's the Dalek word for love?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about hate?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about exterminate?
Missy: Moffat's critics. Steven has had it and programmed that into the Daleks himself when Davros was sleeping.
* Davros: let me see with my own eyes.
the Doctor: i'm crying. i'll help you. you can now cry through your eyes.
Davros: i tricked you! i hate the sun, my skin burns easily as you can imagine. now all of my Dalek children are half-Dalek, half-Time Lord, they're Dalek Deities!
Missy: excuse me, i'm a Time Lady.
Davros: no one asked you, Bitch's Familiar............sorry, that last comment was out of line, i had a rough childhood.
the Doctor: AH-HA! i tricked YOU, Davros! Doctors don't cry, we'd never be able to do our job, we have to make calculating, emotionless decisions that affect whole worlds. also, i hate the sun, too. i got rid of a star once with one wave of my sonic screwdriver/shades.
Missy: that's cold....literally.
Davros: i like you. wanna fuck?
Missy: sorry, dear, i'm taken apparently.
Sarff: Master, i...
Missy: yes?
Sarff: not you! my master, Davros.
Davros: what do you want you Harry Potter reject?
* child Davros: please help me! you said you would! you promised! you said i had a chance!
the Doctor: okay i'll only help you if we NEVER EVER see this flashback of you as a boy on the planet's scarred surface with the smoke again! what is this, the fifth, sixth time we've seen this? i've unintentionally memorized this scene.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "National Lampoon's Fireballz" Episode Discussion
learned:
* ladybutt!
* in order to get to the naked women you must lose your penis? I'd still do it cos I want a relationship.
* this episode ruined my desire to be in a video game.
* the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making man believe the password wasn't 666 cos that'd be too obvious...
* the shedevil in charge of the women is my favorite Squidbilly! know that voice anywhere.
* Chicken Hell aka KFC. I have such a riddled relationship with KFC, I know what they're doing to those poor chickens but at the same time that food is delicious and savory. I'm going to Hell, huh?
Doctor Who "The Magician's Apprentice" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i've always wanted to do this.
* child Davros: there are loads of hand mines everywhere! i can't get out! btw, hand mines, i get it.
the Doctor: well just don't stand there, these people buried underground urgently need your assistance!
* Davros's servant (gliding everywhere): don't mind me, i have rollerblades underneath my robe.
* Kate Stewart: it's the most horrible thing! all the planes are frozen.
Clara: a delay at the airports? wow. well i've been with the Doctor enough to know there's a first time for everything.
* Missy: your boyfriend's still dead?
Clara: that's just cruel.
Missy: no, i just want to know if you're available. i want to fuck you.
the global energy from the collective cumming of all the fanfic writers around the world causes the planes to start moving again.
* as the doctor shreds his electric guitar, the crowd flick on their lighters and cheer.
crowd: hey dude, play "Freebird"!
the Doctor: but i haven't taught you the word "dude" yet.
crowd: yes you have, you've come here before on that weirdass blue phone, remember?
the Doctor: no i really don't. i'm getting too old for this shit.
* Missy leaves the room where she and Clara are captured and walks on water into space...and eventually she meets Mordecai and Rigby in Purple Space.
* Clara: you and the Doctor are friends?
Missy: of course.
Clara: but you fight all the time.
Missy: exactly.
Clara: so then you're more like brothers.
Missy: sisters.
* a Dalek approaches the Doctor with gunstick out.
Dalek: PARTICIPATE!!!
the Doctor: what?
Dalek: hi, i'm the tennis-ball shooter from that episode of Total Drama Ridonculous Race, nice to meet you.
the Doctor: hello. do i shake your gunstick or what?
* Davros: if you could kill Hitler as a child, would you?
the Doctor: i've thought eons about this and my answer now is yes, i should have killed you as a boy.
Davros: no man, not me, Hitler, Hitler, this is a hypothetical! what is wrong with you, man?!
* Davros: i needed to created the Daleks to counter your sappy goodness.
the Doctor: you have destroyed so much life in the universe, and for what?
Davros: cos without the Daleks there is no show. i mean you think people will tune in each week to watch an old fart tinkering in his state-of-the-art lab on Gallifrey for an hour?
* i've always wanted to do this.
* child Davros: there are loads of hand mines everywhere! i can't get out! btw, hand mines, i get it.
the Doctor: well just don't stand there, these people buried underground urgently need your assistance!
* Davros's servant (gliding everywhere): don't mind me, i have rollerblades underneath my robe.
* Kate Stewart: it's the most horrible thing! all the planes are frozen.
Clara: a delay at the airports? wow. well i've been with the Doctor enough to know there's a first time for everything.
* Missy: your boyfriend's still dead?
Clara: that's just cruel.
Missy: no, i just want to know if you're available. i want to fuck you.
the global energy from the collective cumming of all the fanfic writers around the world causes the planes to start moving again.
* as the doctor shreds his electric guitar, the crowd flick on their lighters and cheer.
crowd: hey dude, play "Freebird"!
the Doctor: but i haven't taught you the word "dude" yet.
crowd: yes you have, you've come here before on that weirdass blue phone, remember?
the Doctor: no i really don't. i'm getting too old for this shit.
* Missy leaves the room where she and Clara are captured and walks on water into space...and eventually she meets Mordecai and Rigby in Purple Space.
* Clara: you and the Doctor are friends?
Missy: of course.
Clara: but you fight all the time.
Missy: exactly.
Clara: so then you're more like brothers.
Missy: sisters.
* a Dalek approaches the Doctor with gunstick out.
Dalek: PARTICIPATE!!!
the Doctor: what?
Dalek: hi, i'm the tennis-ball shooter from that episode of Total Drama Ridonculous Race, nice to meet you.
the Doctor: hello. do i shake your gunstick or what?
* Davros: if you could kill Hitler as a child, would you?
the Doctor: i've thought eons about this and my answer now is yes, i should have killed you as a boy.
Davros: no man, not me, Hitler, Hitler, this is a hypothetical! what is wrong with you, man?!
* Davros: i needed to created the Daleks to counter your sappy goodness.
the Doctor: you have destroyed so much life in the universe, and for what?
Davros: cos without the Daleks there is no show. i mean you think people will tune in each week to watch an old fart tinkering in his state-of-the-art lab on Gallifrey for an hour?
Monday, August 3, 2015
Degrassi "Don't Look Back" Movie Discussion
learned:
* ahem, FILM discussion
* Baywatch tribute.
Maya, Tiny, Zig, Gloria: what's that?
writer: never mind, continue.
lifeguard: you fail this course like you fail at life, Maya. Gloria coulda had a spine injury.
Maya: i thought her huge tits would offset her back.
* Gloria: hello everyone online! i'm internet famous! i somehow have a billion people all over the world watching my popsicle videos yet no one in the world has ever heard of me.
* Tristan: what are you doing? science is stupid. you are stupid.
Zoe: so friends are more important than school?
Tristan: Skins, hello!
* creepy teacher in car: hello, little girl, can i be your new daddy?
Frankie: i would but my heel broke, wasn't expecting that, threw off my entire day. who are you?
creepy teacher in car: i teach at that dump Degrassi Community School. my name is Mr. Redherring.
* wait, too much cola rots your kidneys? i am SO FUCKED. no, seriously.
* Tristan: girls are disappearing. what do you think it is?
Hunter: i've been researching this online, that's what i've been doing online. supposedly there's this very virulent black hole located in this area...
* music mom: i have your resume here and under weaknesses you list eczema...
* Zoe: so teach, like what you see?
creepy teacher: take off ALL your clothes.
Zoe: PERV!
creepy teacher: no, i'm an asexual nudist. honey, i've been making people laugh on tv since before you were a gleam in your stage mom's eye.
* Frankie throws up all over the nice carpet.
Frankie: mom, don't me mad, that's not real throw up, it's fake, we're on the set of a tv show.
* other female intern: look, just be careful. on my first date with Logan, he put his curled pinky finger to his mouth and asked me for a million dollars. i thought he was just quoting the movie line but he was serious.
* Logan (curled pinky finger to mouth): can i borrow one meallion dollars?
Frankie: what for?
Logan: special shampoo for this hot mess of a frizzy moptop i call my hair.
* Zoe: why does the creepy teacher have missing-girl case files?
Grace: ridiculously avid fan of that Case Closed anime.
* Zig: we're all zombies tho, zombies and ghosts in this anonymous hate-filled internet age...
Maya: i didn't catch that, say it again but this time with your shirt off?
* Logan: who was the first person to portray the Joker on tv?
Winston: Neil Armstrong?
* Maya: wow okay here goes: you're a bitch, your kids are bitches, and your music sucks ass. sowry but you did say i only had one minute.
music mom: i appreciate your honesty. you're fired. before the door hits you on the way out, did you happen to catch Real Housewives last night?
Maya: no but your daughter watches it religiously. don't you have parental controls on the tv?
music mom: sure do. my daughter is NOT allowed to see that derivative Spongebob junk. that show peaked in Season 1.
* Miles: so are you two up for a threesome? i don't believe Degrassi has ever gone there before.
Zoe: gotta wait till we're unrated over at Netflix.
Grace: fine but i can come as i please...
Jack: i changed my mind! i wanna come back!
* Zig: have you seen Maya?
Zoe: no, have you?
Zig: no.
Zoe: are you still writing Zoemund fanfic and posting it online to spite the writers?
Zig: yes. you?
Zoe: yes.
* Grace: i know what will save this show! scienc-
Zoe: sex!
* Maya: why did you do this?! what was the point of this whole thing?!
Logan: that's the thing with red herrings, they're always more interesting than the actual herring.
* Gracevas kiss.
Grace: so you're gay now?
Zoe: my name is Zoe Rivas and i am bisexual. i'm a strong independent woman. i will not let any form of media nullify me.
* Frankie: so what are your plans for the future?
Winston (movie guy voice): this December, prepare yourself for something epic. starring the stars. nostalgia will overload and blow up like the Death Star. and the final proof will be proven: Han did in fact shoot first.
Winston "Chewbacca" Chu departs, riding the sunset on the Millennium Falcon.
* Lola eats Maya in her taco costume.
* ............................................................................we'll see.....................
* ahem, FILM discussion
* Baywatch tribute.
Maya, Tiny, Zig, Gloria: what's that?
writer: never mind, continue.
lifeguard: you fail this course like you fail at life, Maya. Gloria coulda had a spine injury.
Maya: i thought her huge tits would offset her back.
* Gloria: hello everyone online! i'm internet famous! i somehow have a billion people all over the world watching my popsicle videos yet no one in the world has ever heard of me.
* Tristan: what are you doing? science is stupid. you are stupid.
Zoe: so friends are more important than school?
Tristan: Skins, hello!
* creepy teacher in car: hello, little girl, can i be your new daddy?
Frankie: i would but my heel broke, wasn't expecting that, threw off my entire day. who are you?
creepy teacher in car: i teach at that dump Degrassi Community School. my name is Mr. Redherring.
* wait, too much cola rots your kidneys? i am SO FUCKED. no, seriously.
* Tristan: girls are disappearing. what do you think it is?
Hunter: i've been researching this online, that's what i've been doing online. supposedly there's this very virulent black hole located in this area...
* music mom: i have your resume here and under weaknesses you list eczema...
* Zoe: so teach, like what you see?
creepy teacher: take off ALL your clothes.
Zoe: PERV!
creepy teacher: no, i'm an asexual nudist. honey, i've been making people laugh on tv since before you were a gleam in your stage mom's eye.
* Frankie throws up all over the nice carpet.
Frankie: mom, don't me mad, that's not real throw up, it's fake, we're on the set of a tv show.
* other female intern: look, just be careful. on my first date with Logan, he put his curled pinky finger to his mouth and asked me for a million dollars. i thought he was just quoting the movie line but he was serious.
* Logan (curled pinky finger to mouth): can i borrow one meallion dollars?
Frankie: what for?
Logan: special shampoo for this hot mess of a frizzy moptop i call my hair.
* Zoe: why does the creepy teacher have missing-girl case files?
Grace: ridiculously avid fan of that Case Closed anime.
* Zig: we're all zombies tho, zombies and ghosts in this anonymous hate-filled internet age...
Maya: i didn't catch that, say it again but this time with your shirt off?
* Logan: who was the first person to portray the Joker on tv?
Winston: Neil Armstrong?
* Maya: wow okay here goes: you're a bitch, your kids are bitches, and your music sucks ass. sowry but you did say i only had one minute.
music mom: i appreciate your honesty. you're fired. before the door hits you on the way out, did you happen to catch Real Housewives last night?
Maya: no but your daughter watches it religiously. don't you have parental controls on the tv?
music mom: sure do. my daughter is NOT allowed to see that derivative Spongebob junk. that show peaked in Season 1.
* Miles: so are you two up for a threesome? i don't believe Degrassi has ever gone there before.
Zoe: gotta wait till we're unrated over at Netflix.
Grace: fine but i can come as i please...
Jack: i changed my mind! i wanna come back!
* Zig: have you seen Maya?
Zoe: no, have you?
Zig: no.
Zoe: are you still writing Zoemund fanfic and posting it online to spite the writers?
Zig: yes. you?
Zoe: yes.
* Grace: i know what will save this show! scienc-
Zoe: sex!
* Maya: why did you do this?! what was the point of this whole thing?!
Logan: that's the thing with red herrings, they're always more interesting than the actual herring.
* Gracevas kiss.
Grace: so you're gay now?
Zoe: my name is Zoe Rivas and i am bisexual. i'm a strong independent woman. i will not let any form of media nullify me.
* Frankie: so what are your plans for the future?
Winston (movie guy voice): this December, prepare yourself for something epic. starring the stars. nostalgia will overload and blow up like the Death Star. and the final proof will be proven: Han did in fact shoot first.
Winston "Chewbacca" Chu departs, riding the sunset on the Millennium Falcon.
* Lola eats Maya in her taco costume.
* ............................................................................we'll see.....................
Friday, July 31, 2015
Degrassi "Finally" Episode Discussion
learned:
* finally it sorta ends.
* Alli (reading): "Backwoods Bhandari is a slut. Jenna got knocked up and is never around. Connor's some weird kid nobody knows how to talk to. Simpson secretly wants to get with me, we both imagined it. and don't get me started on Eli, i'm deathly afraid of goths, they're like clowns to me. parents just don't understand and my sister went missing years ago without a trace."
Clare (takes her book back): that's why you don't read diaries.
* Miles (jumps in the pool): that's one small step for rich boy, one giant leap for ruining Zoemund.
Winston: Lance Armstrong, right?
Arlene: haha you dumb.
* Drew: will you go to prom with me?
Becky: nice promposal. it's a yes for now but fair warning i just inhaled a massive cloud of pot smoke.
* Becky: OMG here we are! we're the best of friends! i'm so excited!
Imogen: why was i here this whole time? why didn't i run away with Fiona? why didn't they make cool 3-minute webisodes of Fimogen fucking in Paris?
Becky: there's always Jack.
Imogen: who's Jack?
* Dallas: so i kinda screwed up the years, but next year's prom is gonna be bomb.
Alli: but you're MY dumb jock.
* Hunter: i challenge you to a duel.
Miles: so that's why you've been glued to your screen, you were looking up martial arts.
Hunter: mostly cartoon porn but a little martial arts, too.
* Mama Torres: son, i know my milf powers are irresistible and i make a mean manwich, but this is pathetic. you need to get out more, join a club or something.
Drew: i have joined a club, mom, but i can't talk about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Connor: these priest burgers taste like ass.
Becky: love 'em.
* Alli (reading): "Backwoods Bhandari is a slut. Jenna got knocked up and is never around. Connor's some weird kid nobody knows how to talk to. Simpson secretly wants to get with me, we both imagined it. and don't get me started on Eli, i'm deathly afraid of goths, they're like clowns to me. parents just don't understand and my sister went missing years ago without a trace."
Clare (takes her book back): that's why you don't read diaries.
* Miles (jumps in the pool): that's one small step for rich boy, one giant leap for ruining Zoemund.
Winston: Lance Armstrong, right?
Arlene: haha you dumb.
* Drew: will you go to prom with me?
Becky: nice promposal. it's a yes for now but fair warning i just inhaled a massive cloud of pot smoke.
* Becky: OMG here we are! we're the best of friends! i'm so excited!
Imogen: why was i here this whole time? why didn't i run away with Fiona? why didn't they make cool 3-minute webisodes of Fimogen fucking in Paris?
Becky: there's always Jack.
Imogen: who's Jack?
* Dallas: so i kinda screwed up the years, but next year's prom is gonna be bomb.
Alli: but you're MY dumb jock.
* Hunter: i challenge you to a duel.
Miles: so that's why you've been glued to your screen, you were looking up martial arts.
Hunter: mostly cartoon porn but a little martial arts, too.
* Mama Torres: son, i know my milf powers are irresistible and i make a mean manwich, but this is pathetic. you need to get out more, join a club or something.
Drew: i have joined a club, mom, but i can't talk about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
* Connor: these priest burgers taste like ass.
Becky: love 'em.
* Jack: yeah i don't do novelty dances. i don't dance at all. that whole ballet thing has been written out of my character.
Imogen: what did you say your name was again? wait, why am i here again?
* Dallas: hey did you two ever, y'know?
Imogen and Becky: what?
Dallas: wanna get with me? you know, a Nicki Minaj tree?
* Clare: Simpson! make your pep talk quick, i'm gonna have to report you soon.
Simpson: Pill's a pill. i worked on that one in the mirror all morning. hey you'll find your way, it's scary but remember: life is nothingness. i'm gonna be at a school in Kenya.
Clare: that's fantastic, Mr. Simpson, you'll make a fine principal over there.
Simpson: no i'm gonna be the janitor.
* Armstrong: and now the graduating class! (polite applause) as you have heard, all of our students are quite accomplished and will go on to do great things. all except Clare. Clare Edwards has decided to be a bum.
* Imogen and Becky are shouting loudly and doing the conga dance.
Becky: CONGA CONGA CONGA CONGA
the ghost of Cam: please stop, i can't hear myself think up here.
* Eli: so what is the fate of Clare Edwards?
Clare: beach bum/surfing champion.
Eli: i'll wait for you forever, my love. here, i went to the bakery and got you an eclair.
Clare: Goldsworthy you got me pregnant again. food baby.
* Eli: so what is the fate of Clare Edwards?
Clare: beach bum/surfing champion.
Eli: i'll wait for you forever, my love. here, i went to the bakery and got you an eclair.
Clare: Goldsworthy you got me pregnant again. food baby.
* summer vacation starts in two days! the Scooby van is gassed up and ready to go!
* Degrassi: it's like the mafia...
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Degrassi "The Kids Aren't Alright, Part Two" Episode Discussion
learned:
* don't worry, they're gonna be. Parte Dos.
* the TARDIS appears and lands on the Captain Who set...
* Zoe: what's the matter? am I making you excited?
Winston: yes, I get a nervous stomach.
Zoe: wow, and I thought I had a magic school butt.
Winston: that's Magic School Bus.
* Zig: what's with the blue hair, brah?
punk in Damon's gang: new Dragon Ball series.
* Winston: I'm scared, Frankie.
Frankie: of us breaking up forever?
Winston (crying): no I'm speaking to you from this weird talking device with a metal coil. you have to insert coins into it, real coins, not bitcoin. there's a silver slot on the lower right corner of it that opens up and steals your soul after you use it.
* Damon: can I use your phone?
Becky: I had it destroyed. I do that every four months.
* Vince brings Zig red roses and beef-poutine pizza and gets arrested.
Vince: okay, I see how it is, Degrassi throwing me under the bus again, Vince the scapegoat. but before I go, let me just blow all your minds with this: I was the best actor you guys ever had. yeah I said it. where's Eclare at? I wanna compare notes wit 'em.
* Becky: Jonah, I can forgive the drugs and the lying and the false front and the guyliner. what I can't forgive is that your first thought when you heard the title of this episode was Fall Out Boy, not the Offspring.
* Zig: brah that's a rubber knife...
Tiny: shit I left the real one in my other gangsta pants. oh well. Fail. oh and blondie...
Maya: don't worry, I get things pointed at my face everyday.
Zig: gotta do one final thing.
Zig greets Damon at the hospital with burgers.
Damon: burgers? I wanted beef-poutine pizza. the gang war's back on.
Zig: haha very funny.
Damon: I'm serious. we're talkin' bout poutine, brah, Canadians don't play.
* don't worry, they're gonna be. Parte Dos.
* the TARDIS appears and lands on the Captain Who set...
* Zoe: what's the matter? am I making you excited?
Winston: yes, I get a nervous stomach.
Zoe: wow, and I thought I had a magic school butt.
Winston: that's Magic School Bus.
* Zig: what's with the blue hair, brah?
punk in Damon's gang: new Dragon Ball series.
* Winston: I'm scared, Frankie.
Frankie: of us breaking up forever?
Winston (crying): no I'm speaking to you from this weird talking device with a metal coil. you have to insert coins into it, real coins, not bitcoin. there's a silver slot on the lower right corner of it that opens up and steals your soul after you use it.
* Damon: can I use your phone?
Becky: I had it destroyed. I do that every four months.
* Vince brings Zig red roses and beef-poutine pizza and gets arrested.
Vince: okay, I see how it is, Degrassi throwing me under the bus again, Vince the scapegoat. but before I go, let me just blow all your minds with this: I was the best actor you guys ever had. yeah I said it. where's Eclare at? I wanna compare notes wit 'em.
* Becky: Jonah, I can forgive the drugs and the lying and the false front and the guyliner. what I can't forgive is that your first thought when you heard the title of this episode was Fall Out Boy, not the Offspring.
* Zig: brah that's a rubber knife...
Tiny: shit I left the real one in my other gangsta pants. oh well. Fail. oh and blondie...
Maya: don't worry, I get things pointed at my face everyday.
Zig: gotta do one final thing.
Zig greets Damon at the hospital with burgers.
Damon: burgers? I wanted beef-poutine pizza. the gang war's back on.
Zig: haha very funny.
Damon: I'm serious. we're talkin' bout poutine, brah, Canadians don't play.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Degrassi "The Kids Aren't Alright, Part One" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Parte Uno
* Frankie: how did you know I have a nervous stomach?
Winston: I always see you popping antacid tablets into your mouth after we have sex.
* Becky: so um I'm suddenly into all things medical. I'm gonna be on Mighty Med next season.
* detective: that Adele Dazeem is one hot firecracker, huh?
Zig: ...
detective: do you know anything about this?
Zig: ...
detective: what do you know about this?
Zig: okay, I'll tell you..................Glom Gazingo.
* Frankie: I need to be sure. Lola, run towards Winston naked and see how he reacts. that'll prove if he's a cheater.
Shay: that'll only prove if he's straight.
Lola: run Lola run, I get it.
* Becky: I'm sorry I thought you stole the money. I need to be wary of my prejudices.
Damon: I did steal it. I'm that much of a thug. even with a catheter tied to me I'm still a badass.
Becky: what did you say your name was again?
Damon: Gibby.
* Becky: what are you doing with these drugs, Jonah? I thought you were Straight Edge.
Jonah: they're not for me, I only sell them.
Becky: k den
* Tiny: I'm scared, Zig. what do we do? run away?
Zig: won't do any good, there are cameras everywhere.
* Parte Uno
* Frankie: how did you know I have a nervous stomach?
Winston: I always see you popping antacid tablets into your mouth after we have sex.
* Becky: so um I'm suddenly into all things medical. I'm gonna be on Mighty Med next season.
* detective: that Adele Dazeem is one hot firecracker, huh?
Zig: ...
detective: do you know anything about this?
Zig: ...
detective: what do you know about this?
Zig: okay, I'll tell you..................Glom Gazingo.
* Frankie: I need to be sure. Lola, run towards Winston naked and see how he reacts. that'll prove if he's a cheater.
Shay: that'll only prove if he's straight.
Lola: run Lola run, I get it.
* Becky: I'm sorry I thought you stole the money. I need to be wary of my prejudices.
Damon: I did steal it. I'm that much of a thug. even with a catheter tied to me I'm still a badass.
Becky: what did you say your name was again?
Damon: Gibby.
* Becky: what are you doing with these drugs, Jonah? I thought you were Straight Edge.
Jonah: they're not for me, I only sell them.
Becky: k den
* Tiny: I'm scared, Zig. what do we do? run away?
Zig: won't do any good, there are cameras everywhere.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Degrassi "Teen Age Riot" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Pill: Clare, these cameras help, they reduce nonreported crimes. oh, and that pink frilly lace chapless underwear you're wearing really isn't your style, honey.
Clare (steam coming out of her ears): okay, that's it! i'm bout to go Edward Snowden on your ass!!! where's my bat?!
* Vince: you a virgin?
Zig: quit busting my balls, boys.
Vince: if we don't no one else will *snicker snicker*. you have condoms?
Zig: why?
Vince: i like to make balloon animals.
* Winston: watch out, that last step is a doozy.
Frankie falls on her ass.
Frankie: why didn't you catch me? i thought you were a hero.
Winston: doesn't matter had sex.
Frankie: i can't believe i did the sex with you. what was i thinking? what did i ever see in you?
Winston: dunno but i am a hero to nerds the world over.
* Zig: what is this, an afterschool special?
Vince: sigh, Degrassi stopped being Skins a long time ago, kid. here, have some molly, forget your troubles.
Zig: thanks. OMG this couch is fucking beautiful.
Maya: Zig, we need to break up.
Zig: why? the drugs?
Maya: no, you jumped on that couch like Tom Cruise. i'll date a druggie but my mom says Scientology is a cult.
* Winston falls off the building stage set.
Frankie: see?
Winston: you were right, it's harder than it looks to navigate up there.
Frankie: plus i coated the bannisters with butter.
* Zig: so was it good for you?
Maya: it was FANTASTIC!!!
Zig: i beat my record cos i love you so much. i usually last about five seconds but it was ten this time. we did it, babe, we did the sex together.
Maya: I LOVE THE UNIVERSE!!!
* Hunter: whatcha doing, sis?
Frankie: eating my feelings.
Hunter: hey we all have our vices. mine is losing large blocks of time from my memory playing immersive video games.
Frankie: it's time to get through this. this is for all those girls and women out there trying to move on after a breakup.
Frankie throws out all her food in the trash.
Frankie: it's not wasting food when it's for a greater cause.
* shots ring out. Vince and Tiny hurriedly get back in the car.
Zig: what the fuck happened?!
Vince: just go, man, go!
Tiny: go go go!
Zig: why?!
Vince: i'm late for ballet!!!
* Pill: Clare, these cameras help, they reduce nonreported crimes. oh, and that pink frilly lace chapless underwear you're wearing really isn't your style, honey.
Clare (steam coming out of her ears): okay, that's it! i'm bout to go Edward Snowden on your ass!!! where's my bat?!
* Vince: you a virgin?
Zig: quit busting my balls, boys.
Vince: if we don't no one else will *snicker snicker*. you have condoms?
Zig: why?
Vince: i like to make balloon animals.
* Winston: watch out, that last step is a doozy.
Frankie falls on her ass.
Frankie: why didn't you catch me? i thought you were a hero.
Winston: doesn't matter had sex.
Frankie: i can't believe i did the sex with you. what was i thinking? what did i ever see in you?
Winston: dunno but i am a hero to nerds the world over.
* Zig: what is this, an afterschool special?
Vince: sigh, Degrassi stopped being Skins a long time ago, kid. here, have some molly, forget your troubles.
Zig: thanks. OMG this couch is fucking beautiful.
Maya: Zig, we need to break up.
Zig: why? the drugs?
Maya: no, you jumped on that couch like Tom Cruise. i'll date a druggie but my mom says Scientology is a cult.
* Winston falls off the building stage set.
Frankie: see?
Winston: you were right, it's harder than it looks to navigate up there.
Frankie: plus i coated the bannisters with butter.
* Zig: so was it good for you?
Maya: it was FANTASTIC!!!
Zig: i beat my record cos i love you so much. i usually last about five seconds but it was ten this time. we did it, babe, we did the sex together.
Maya: I LOVE THE UNIVERSE!!!
* Hunter: whatcha doing, sis?
Frankie: eating my feelings.
Hunter: hey we all have our vices. mine is losing large blocks of time from my memory playing immersive video games.
Frankie: it's time to get through this. this is for all those girls and women out there trying to move on after a breakup.
Frankie throws out all her food in the trash.
Frankie: it's not wasting food when it's for a greater cause.
* shots ring out. Vince and Tiny hurriedly get back in the car.
Zig: what the fuck happened?!
Vince: just go, man, go!
Tiny: go go go!
Zig: why?!
Vince: i'm late for ballet!!!
Monday, July 27, 2015
Degrassi "I Wanna Be Adored" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Alli: but we even made novelty rubber cut-off ears that the prom patrons wear like a hat which squirt out fruit punch.
* Tristan: what should I put on my profile?
Zoe: say you're into rich good-looking guys with that devilish smile.
Tristan: okay I'm not that shallow but good sex is good sex.
Zoe: say you're sorry for being a bitch but maybe second time's the charm.
Tristan: what? if you wanted Miles's number you coulda just asked.
* Vince: do a song and dance for me, boy.
Zig does his campy musical showtune with the tear down his cheek and everything.
Vince: see? the initiation to get back into the gang wasn't that bad.
Zig: things sure have changed since last time.
* Tristan: I can't pretend anymore, it's more tiring than hiking trails.
Tristan's date: same. I'm more into cooking. you like sunchokes?
Tristan: nah I'm not into that kinky stuff.
* Clare: you brought me flowers? do just friends buy flowers for one another? I'm not sure.
Alli: the guy at the shop said yellow denotes friendship.
Clare: no, it denotes hot and sweaty sapphic scissoring, let's do this! let's go, right here on the kitchen counter.
* Maya: what's that I heard in the background? sounded like someone yelling "POLICE!"
Zig: nah that was just the pizza guy saying "CHEESE". we're setting up for the next scene. we gotta pay the rent somehow. at least it's not drugs.
* Zig: I can't believe you guys dragged me back into the white-stuff trade.
Vince: if we don't move these baggies of flour, no pizza gets made in the entire city. you wanna know the secret? put the cheese in the dough BEFORE you bake it...
Zig does his campy musical showtune with the tear down his cheek and everything.
Vince: see? the initiation to get back into the gang wasn't that bad.
Zig: things sure have changed since last time.
* Tristan: I can't pretend anymore, it's more tiring than hiking trails.
Tristan's date: same. I'm more into cooking. you like sunchokes?
Tristan: nah I'm not into that kinky stuff.
* Clare: you brought me flowers? do just friends buy flowers for one another? I'm not sure.
Alli: the guy at the shop said yellow denotes friendship.
Clare: no, it denotes hot and sweaty sapphic scissoring, let's do this! let's go, right here on the kitchen counter.
* Maya: what's that I heard in the background? sounded like someone yelling "POLICE!"
Zig: nah that was just the pizza guy saying "CHEESE". we're setting up for the next scene. we gotta pay the rent somehow. at least it's not drugs.
* Zig: I can't believe you guys dragged me back into the white-stuff trade.
Vince: if we don't move these baggies of flour, no pizza gets made in the entire city. you wanna know the secret? put the cheese in the dough BEFORE you bake it...
Friday, July 24, 2015
Degrassi "Give Me One Reason" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Hunter: Arlene, you're my bitch!
Arlene storms off.
Imogen: um, that's not how you talk to girls.
Hunter: it's not? oh, my father's not the best guide...you're lucky you're cute, Arlene, cos your weird baby voice is making my ears bleed...better?
* Clare: if I was worthy then I'm worthy now.
Eli: you're Goldsworthy........sorry just trying to lighten the mood........so do you want to get married?
* Tiny: you kissed her mom? brofist, bro. wait, I never knew you were into those types?
Zig: what types? milfs?
Tiny: no, women who need a...to walk around...
Tiny looks at Grace. Grace stares back at Tiny disapprovingly.
Tiny: uh, never mind.
* Eli: I may like dead grapes, Clare, but at least I don't like dead animal carcass.
clerk at the front counter: do you two lovebirds want some Baby Ruths?
Eli: dude...
* Maya: but where will you live now?
Zig: Zoe's.
* Hunter: manga!
Arlene: Murica!
Hunter: manga!
Arlene: Murica!
Hunter: why did our useless squabble have to let all the air out of the balloon after we witnessed that sublime performance from Aislinn and Munro, our two most gifted actors?
Arlene: IKR? those two are drama pros, I was sitting up here watching them and just marveling. we may be fellow castmates but we're also fans. I want Munro's autograph, he's hot....oh but you're still my best friend.
Hunter: so I've just been friendzoned?
Arlene: no you've just been best-friendzoned.
* Hunter: Arlene, you're my bitch!
Arlene storms off.
Imogen: um, that's not how you talk to girls.
Hunter: it's not? oh, my father's not the best guide...you're lucky you're cute, Arlene, cos your weird baby voice is making my ears bleed...better?
* Clare: if I was worthy then I'm worthy now.
Eli: you're Goldsworthy........sorry just trying to lighten the mood........so do you want to get married?
* Tiny: you kissed her mom? brofist, bro. wait, I never knew you were into those types?
Zig: what types? milfs?
Tiny: no, women who need a...to walk around...
Tiny looks at Grace. Grace stares back at Tiny disapprovingly.
Tiny: uh, never mind.
* Eli: I may like dead grapes, Clare, but at least I don't like dead animal carcass.
clerk at the front counter: do you two lovebirds want some Baby Ruths?
Eli: dude...
* Maya: but where will you live now?
Zig: Zoe's.
* Hunter: manga!
Arlene: Murica!
Hunter: manga!
Arlene: Murica!
Hunter: why did our useless squabble have to let all the air out of the balloon after we witnessed that sublime performance from Aislinn and Munro, our two most gifted actors?
Arlene: IKR? those two are drama pros, I was sitting up here watching them and just marveling. we may be fellow castmates but we're also fans. I want Munro's autograph, he's hot....oh but you're still my best friend.
Hunter: so I've just been friendzoned?
Arlene: no you've just been best-friendzoned.
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Degrassi "Get It Together" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Jonah: I'm Straight Edge.
Becky: Get Thee Behind Me Satan.
* Jonah: oh no, please tell me that isn't porn.
Becky: it's worse, it's the Kama Sutra, it's another religion!
* Clare gets blasted with the water gun.
Eli: that's not water..................it's sparkling water.
* Tristan: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Maya: sorry, I'm a little loopy.
Tristan: alright, I guess I forgive you.
Maya: can i be your bitch again?
Tristan: yeah, we cool.
Maya: wait, did you do this just so you could fuck Zig?
* Imogen: let's do a little word association. Meatspin.
Becky: yep, I saw their website. cute little bistro. delicious roast beef with gravy on there.
Imogen: Goatse.
Becky: the internet gives three people as the Greatest of All Time: Tiger Woods, Federer, and Drake.
Imogen: 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Becky: oh no no no no, sporty lesbians aren't my thing.
* Becky: mom, I'm having urges. can I just quickly leaf through one of your Playgirls and be done with it?
Becky's mom: no no, we must do this right. when we get home, it's some good ol' Aquinas for you, young lady. Chapter 1: Concupiscence.
* Eli: pirate?
Clare: promotes violence.
Eli: ninja?
Clare: promotes secrecy.
Eli: fireman?
Clare: too dangerous.
Eli: cop?
Clare's eyes dart, she looks down and shakes her head.
* Eli: Doc why you have Beats By Dre headphones on?
doctor: I'm afraid this is serious. the writers have decided to make Clare their whipping girl. they want to see how many crises they can give her before she's declared clinically insane.
* Jonah: oh no, please tell me that isn't porn.
Becky: it's worse, it's the Kama Sutra, it's another religion!
* Clare gets blasted with the water gun.
Eli: that's not water..................it's sparkling water.
* Tristan: you stole my boyfriend, you bitch.
Maya: sorry, I'm a little loopy.
Tristan: alright, I guess I forgive you.
Maya: can i be your bitch again?
Tristan: yeah, we cool.
Maya: wait, did you do this just so you could fuck Zig?
* Imogen: let's do a little word association. Meatspin.
Becky: yep, I saw their website. cute little bistro. delicious roast beef with gravy on there.
Imogen: Goatse.
Becky: the internet gives three people as the Greatest of All Time: Tiger Woods, Federer, and Drake.
Imogen: 2 Girls 1 Cup.
Becky: oh no no no no, sporty lesbians aren't my thing.
* Becky: mom, I'm having urges. can I just quickly leaf through one of your Playgirls and be done with it?
Becky's mom: no no, we must do this right. when we get home, it's some good ol' Aquinas for you, young lady. Chapter 1: Concupiscence.
* Eli: pirate?
Clare: promotes violence.
Eli: ninja?
Clare: promotes secrecy.
Eli: fireman?
Clare: too dangerous.
Eli: cop?
Clare's eyes dart, she looks down and shakes her head.
* Eli: Doc why you have Beats By Dre headphones on?
doctor: I'm afraid this is serious. the writers have decided to make Clare their whipping girl. they want to see how many crises they can give her before she's declared clinically insane.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Degrassi "Walking In My Shoes" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Zoe: I don't know if you've noticed but I've got a great ass.
lawyer: I have noticed. many times. but that's not the sort of thing you should be saying when you go to prison.
* Zoe: this lunchlady getup is so not fetch but at least I can use the hairnet for stockings later tonight at the club.
Tristan smells Zoe.
Zoe: I know, I smell like fish.
Tristan: that's not fish. are you fucking Miles again?
* Lola: the writers are making me smart this episode for some reason. I'm a math whiz.
Frankie: cute tutor?
Lola: of course, that's the only thing that motivates teen girls to do anything. we're so lucky to have Justin Bieber teaching us AP Physics this year.
* Zoe hands a phone wrapped in two sandwich buns to Maya. Maya eats the phone sandwich whole.
* Pill: do you not see the 1984 cameras everywhere? I'm disappointed in you, Zoe, I see a lot of me in you when I was your age.
Zoe: a lot of misdirected energy and untapped potential and latent intelligence and the possibility of becoming valedictorian if I do my homework?
Pill: no, being a giant b.
* Jack: I don't know where we went wrong, I thought we had lesbian telepathy.
Imogen: we do.
Jack: okay then what am I thinking right now?
Imogen: don't know but I know what your mom is thinking right now cos she's a lesbian...
* Lola: my stomach is sick.
Frankie: maybe there's something on your conscience?
Lola throws up all over the hallowed Degrassi school halls.
Lola: nah, I just ate one of Zoe's cafeteria phone sandwiches. oh and I kissed Winston.
* Chewy: Frankie, I kissed Lola but it's not what you think.
Frankie: wow, you're really a much better actor when you use that low, breathy, whispery sexy voice.
* Miles: got any nail-polish remover?
Zoe: in my backpocket where my hot ass is. how do you do it, Miles? isn't bring a loner lonely?
Miles: I'm rich, I can afford to be a recluse. I also smoke a ton of weed.
Zoe: let me guess, the nail-polish remover is for the gum?
Miles: for me actually. they were gonna do this plotline where I turn goth but scrapped it at the last minute going to Family Channel so now my fingernails are black for no reason.
Tristan smells Zoe.
Zoe: I know, I smell like fish.
Tristan: that's not fish. are you fucking Miles again?
* Lola: the writers are making me smart this episode for some reason. I'm a math whiz.
Frankie: cute tutor?
Lola: of course, that's the only thing that motivates teen girls to do anything. we're so lucky to have Justin Bieber teaching us AP Physics this year.
* Zoe hands a phone wrapped in two sandwich buns to Maya. Maya eats the phone sandwich whole.
* Pill: do you not see the 1984 cameras everywhere? I'm disappointed in you, Zoe, I see a lot of me in you when I was your age.
Zoe: a lot of misdirected energy and untapped potential and latent intelligence and the possibility of becoming valedictorian if I do my homework?
Pill: no, being a giant b.
* Jack: I don't know where we went wrong, I thought we had lesbian telepathy.
Imogen: we do.
Jack: okay then what am I thinking right now?
Imogen: don't know but I know what your mom is thinking right now cos she's a lesbian...
* Lola: my stomach is sick.
Frankie: maybe there's something on your conscience?
Lola throws up all over the hallowed Degrassi school halls.
Lola: nah, I just ate one of Zoe's cafeteria phone sandwiches. oh and I kissed Winston.
* Chewy: Frankie, I kissed Lola but it's not what you think.
Frankie: wow, you're really a much better actor when you use that low, breathy, whispery sexy voice.
* Miles: got any nail-polish remover?
Zoe: in my backpocket where my hot ass is. how do you do it, Miles? isn't bring a loner lonely?
Miles: I'm rich, I can afford to be a recluse. I also smoke a ton of weed.
Zoe: let me guess, the nail-polish remover is for the gum?
Miles: for me actually. they were gonna do this plotline where I turn goth but scrapped it at the last minute going to Family Channel so now my fingernails are black for no reason.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Degrassi "Wishlist" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Frankie: Boyfriend, why are you dressed like a hobo at my Gatsby party?
Chewy: i thought this was supposed to be 1929 after the Stock Market Crash. wanna split a fish i cooked over a dumpster fire?
* Frankie's mom: he's still your father.
Frankie: do we know that for sure?
Hunter: JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
* Maya: i wonder why i don't have any girlfriends.
Maya's mother: cos you're not a lesbian.
* Frankie: okay "dad", gimme a pony. all girls want a pony.
Lola: i wanted a plastic pony figure. i used it to give me pleasure.
Frankie: you don't mean....?
Lola: yeah, i love making my younger brother smile. i gave it to him as a gift. he's a brony now, lives in a van down by the river.
* Damon: why don't you broads kiss?
Imogen kicks him in the nuts.
Damon: haha, no damage, i'm wearing a cup. the writers have made me a smart fat gangsta wannabe wigger bully with a cool backpack. my character is essentially insufferable.
Imogen sends Damon flying into the next county with her teleportation.
Imogen: that's the lesson to all you bullied kids out there: ignoring bullies doesn't work. standing up to bullies just empowers them. the only way to get rid of bullies is to get yourself a superpower.
* Frankie: Winston, haven't you ever tried Montreal-style bagels? you're Canadian, right?
Chewy: i've never had any sort of bread in my life, been too busy helming this musical.
pilot: okay i'll fly you to Paris for a favor.
Chewy: bruh, i'm standing right here, she's my girlfriend.
pilot: no, pick me up some real French cronuts, would ya?
Chewy: cronuts are disgusting.
* Jack's mom: who's this gorgeous young lady?
Imogen: hello, i'm your daughter's girlfrien---
Jack: ROOMMATE
* Maya: this is gonna be awesome, Bestie!
Zig: IKR? we'll get our hairs done and our nails did, we'll read bubblegum teen magazines, take their quizzes, get bloated off rocky road ice cream, spa days, bridge with the bluehairs, gossip about who has the cuter husband and why they stay out so late all the time on their business trips, little nip/tuck, fret over a broken nail, manipedis in our bikinis, poolside sunbathing, salivate over all the Taylors, moan about our box gaps, Mind The Thigh Gap, amiright?
Maya: i'm all for masculinity in 2015 and gender fluidity, but this is just weird.
* Frankie's dad: you don't understand, Daughter, the Power was intoxicating, it corrupted me, turning me into your standard politician, it infected my senses, my moral compass went out the window, it controlled me like a parasite, blinding me to my family, to my humanity.
Frankie: okay, let's give this one more try. hey, what's that you're hiding behind your back?
Frankie's dad: it's the Power Sword. I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frankie's dad turns into He-Man.
Frankie's dad: oh come on, you had to know i was He-Man, look at my flowing gold locks.
* Frankie: Boyfriend, why are you dressed like a hobo at my Gatsby party?
Chewy: i thought this was supposed to be 1929 after the Stock Market Crash. wanna split a fish i cooked over a dumpster fire?
* Frankie's mom: he's still your father.
Frankie: do we know that for sure?
Hunter: JERRY JERRY JERRY JERRY
* Maya: i wonder why i don't have any girlfriends.
Maya's mother: cos you're not a lesbian.
* Frankie: okay "dad", gimme a pony. all girls want a pony.
Lola: i wanted a plastic pony figure. i used it to give me pleasure.
Frankie: you don't mean....?
Lola: yeah, i love making my younger brother smile. i gave it to him as a gift. he's a brony now, lives in a van down by the river.
* Damon: why don't you broads kiss?
Imogen kicks him in the nuts.
Damon: haha, no damage, i'm wearing a cup. the writers have made me a smart fat gangsta wannabe wigger bully with a cool backpack. my character is essentially insufferable.
Imogen sends Damon flying into the next county with her teleportation.
Imogen: that's the lesson to all you bullied kids out there: ignoring bullies doesn't work. standing up to bullies just empowers them. the only way to get rid of bullies is to get yourself a superpower.
* Frankie: Winston, haven't you ever tried Montreal-style bagels? you're Canadian, right?
Chewy: i've never had any sort of bread in my life, been too busy helming this musical.
pilot: okay i'll fly you to Paris for a favor.
Chewy: bruh, i'm standing right here, she's my girlfriend.
pilot: no, pick me up some real French cronuts, would ya?
Chewy: cronuts are disgusting.
* Jack's mom: who's this gorgeous young lady?
Imogen: hello, i'm your daughter's girlfrien---
Jack: ROOMMATE
* Maya: this is gonna be awesome, Bestie!
Zig: IKR? we'll get our hairs done and our nails did, we'll read bubblegum teen magazines, take their quizzes, get bloated off rocky road ice cream, spa days, bridge with the bluehairs, gossip about who has the cuter husband and why they stay out so late all the time on their business trips, little nip/tuck, fret over a broken nail, manipedis in our bikinis, poolside sunbathing, salivate over all the Taylors, moan about our box gaps, Mind The Thigh Gap, amiright?
Maya: i'm all for masculinity in 2015 and gender fluidity, but this is just weird.
* Frankie's dad: you don't understand, Daughter, the Power was intoxicating, it corrupted me, turning me into your standard politician, it infected my senses, my moral compass went out the window, it controlled me like a parasite, blinding me to my family, to my humanity.
Frankie: okay, let's give this one more try. hey, what's that you're hiding behind your back?
Frankie's dad: it's the Power Sword. I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frankie's dad turns into He-Man.
Frankie's dad: oh come on, you had to know i was He-Man, look at my flowing gold locks.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Degrassi "Ready Or Not" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Tiny: time for my sponge bath, nurse! i should get stabbed more often.
* Maya: hey isn't that Damon asshole your friend? he does have a cool-looking backpack tho.
Zig: yeah. well he used to be. then he went bad. he went bad after being friends with me. i really rubbed off on him. i'm more badass than ever.
* Zig: what did you say, Hollingsworth?
Miles: i said your mother wears army boots or something. is it just me or is the acting bad this season?
Zig: us?
Miles: no, that Lola/Chewy hallway scene.
Zig: IKR? don't worry, we're awesome. okay, back to work.
Zig: us?
Miles: no, that Lola/Chewy hallway scene.
Zig: IKR? don't worry, we're awesome. okay, back to work.
Zig: don't mess with me, i'm badass, haven't you heard? i'll push you around, physically push you around if i have to. now if you'll excuse me, i have some musical singing to do.
* Grace: come on, Zig, let's go! it's time for you to perform your gang duties. kill or be killed! get angry!
Zig: didn't you tell me that such anger is poisonous?
Grace: i lied.
Zig: how do you seem to always know what's going on when nobody else does?
Grace: they lied to you. Principal Simpson isn't the Black Hole, I AM the Black Hole.
* Grace: come on, Zig, let's go! it's time for you to perform your gang duties. kill or be killed! get angry!
Zig: didn't you tell me that such anger is poisonous?
Grace: i lied.
Zig: how do you seem to always know what's going on when nobody else does?
Grace: they lied to you. Principal Simpson isn't the Black Hole, I AM the Black Hole.
* Zig (crying): sorry but i really appreciate all you and your mother have done for me, Maya. you guys house me, feed me, give me sponge baths, even pick out my clothes for the day and leave them out on the bunk bed.
Maya: that's what just friends are for. hey, where are you going?
Zig (crying): sorry but i gotta go now bust a cap in someone's ass at the basketball courts. don't wait up for me.
Maya: in your pajamas?
Zig (crying): you're right, let me finish up this hot cocoa first.
* Eli: Clare i love you. i'll always be there for you. for the rest of my life.
Clare: remember when you called me a ho?
* Maya's mother: what happened? they took the TV?!!!!! now how i'm gonna watch my favorite show Skins?
Maya: Zig, does this have to do with what we talked about earlier?
Zig: no it has to do with gangs, not sponge baths.
Zig picks up and hides the black bandana in his pocket.
Maya's mother: what was that black thing?
Zig: my lacy black panties. future storyline. tagline for this final season: Degrassi: Shit Finally Gets Real.
Maya: that's what just friends are for. hey, where are you going?
Zig (crying): sorry but i gotta go now bust a cap in someone's ass at the basketball courts. don't wait up for me.
Maya: in your pajamas?
Zig (crying): you're right, let me finish up this hot cocoa first.
* Eli: Clare i love you. i'll always be there for you. for the rest of my life.
Clare: remember when you called me a ho?
* Maya's mother: what happened? they took the TV?!!!!! now how i'm gonna watch my favorite show Skins?
Maya: Zig, does this have to do with what we talked about earlier?
Zig: no it has to do with gangs, not sponge baths.
Zig picks up and hides the black bandana in his pocket.
Maya's mother: what was that black thing?
Zig: my lacy black panties. future storyline. tagline for this final season: Degrassi: Shit Finally Gets Real.
Degrassi "Watch Out Now" Episode Discussion
learned:
* NO NO NO NO MORE BREAK MORE BREAK
* Degrassi, i just don't know. do i ultimately love the show or do i resent it? is it as good as it used to be? is that a fair question? nothing is ever as good as it used to be. should it have ended after the first generation? they said the same thing about Skins and look what happened. Skins should have ended after the second generation. is it unfair to constantly compare this show to Skins? yes it is, that sort of Skins quality comes around once in a generation, or the second one. and besides, Degrassi came first, back in the '80s when the show was still good.
* Degrassi, i just dunno. would it have been better just to end it cleanly, really end it, i mean like REALLY end it once and for all with none of this Netflix eternal perpetuity nonsense? i won't be following the show over to Netflix so this is my end...but it feels weird cos it's not really the end. i'll always have the niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'm missing some mindblowing storyline going on over at Next Class that i'll never know about. it's Arrested Development all over again.
* Imogen: holy shit, where are we? when are we? remember when the school almost burned down? that was wild..........fire.
Becky: i'm still on this show? oh, okay. am i still the Christian? can i be the scientist? i can't get that image of the planet Pluto's broken heart outta my head.
* Becky: i love rules. without rules, you can't break the rules and rules are meant to be broken. it's sexier when it's a religious person like me breaking the rules. y'know, Aerosmith, Alicia Silverstone, Catholic schoolgirl uniform...
Jack: my character went nowhere, huh? anyway, um, here's some advice if you want to get Drew to do something for you: remember: Drew is a straight male. so, yeah, approach him buck naked and watch all your dreams come true.
* Drew: i've fucked every girl at this school and i never learn. every time a hot babe crosses my path i get this weird sensation in my body. what's wrong with me?
Drake: you're a dude, dude.
* new principal: they were gonna name me Tool. anyway, no PDA, no nothing, 1984, back when this show was good.
students: what happened to Simpson?
new principal: Principal Simpson isn't another victim of the Black Hole, Principal Simpson IS the Black Hole...
* Chewy: i'm the funny one. without jokes, i'm nothing.
Frankie: why'd you kiss Lola?
Chewy: dat ass
Frankie: now that's funny.
Chewy disappears in a puff of smoke.
* Chewy (up on stage on the mic): hey, so why did the chicken cross the road? never mind, hey, have you heard the one about the guy who was insulting a child online?
* hot Lamaze instructor: my beautiful pregnant goddesses, get out your mermaid crystals. no no no, you, gothboy, Eli is it? that's crack rock, get that outta here.
* Eli: so what, i can't look at you anymore? you're afraid you'll fall back in love with my handsome face?
Clare: exactly.
they kiss.
Clare: we're now having twins.
* NO NO NO NO MORE BREAK MORE BREAK
* Degrassi, i just don't know. do i ultimately love the show or do i resent it? is it as good as it used to be? is that a fair question? nothing is ever as good as it used to be. should it have ended after the first generation? they said the same thing about Skins and look what happened. Skins should have ended after the second generation. is it unfair to constantly compare this show to Skins? yes it is, that sort of Skins quality comes around once in a generation, or the second one. and besides, Degrassi came first, back in the '80s when the show was still good.
* Degrassi, i just dunno. would it have been better just to end it cleanly, really end it, i mean like REALLY end it once and for all with none of this Netflix eternal perpetuity nonsense? i won't be following the show over to Netflix so this is my end...but it feels weird cos it's not really the end. i'll always have the niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach that i'm missing some mindblowing storyline going on over at Next Class that i'll never know about. it's Arrested Development all over again.
* Imogen: holy shit, where are we? when are we? remember when the school almost burned down? that was wild..........fire.
Becky: i'm still on this show? oh, okay. am i still the Christian? can i be the scientist? i can't get that image of the planet Pluto's broken heart outta my head.
* Becky: i love rules. without rules, you can't break the rules and rules are meant to be broken. it's sexier when it's a religious person like me breaking the rules. y'know, Aerosmith, Alicia Silverstone, Catholic schoolgirl uniform...
Jack: my character went nowhere, huh? anyway, um, here's some advice if you want to get Drew to do something for you: remember: Drew is a straight male. so, yeah, approach him buck naked and watch all your dreams come true.
* Drew: i've fucked every girl at this school and i never learn. every time a hot babe crosses my path i get this weird sensation in my body. what's wrong with me?
Drake: you're a dude, dude.
* new principal: they were gonna name me Tool. anyway, no PDA, no nothing, 1984, back when this show was good.
students: what happened to Simpson?
new principal: Principal Simpson isn't another victim of the Black Hole, Principal Simpson IS the Black Hole...
* Chewy: i'm the funny one. without jokes, i'm nothing.
Frankie: why'd you kiss Lola?
Chewy: dat ass
Frankie: now that's funny.
Chewy disappears in a puff of smoke.
* Chewy (up on stage on the mic): hey, so why did the chicken cross the road? never mind, hey, have you heard the one about the guy who was insulting a child online?
* hot Lamaze instructor: my beautiful pregnant goddesses, get out your mermaid crystals. no no no, you, gothboy, Eli is it? that's crack rock, get that outta here.
* Eli: so what, i can't look at you anymore? you're afraid you'll fall back in love with my handsome face?
Clare: exactly.
they kiss.
Clare: we're now having twins.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Surrendering Noah" Episode Discussion
learned:
* but she didn't.
* slimeball defense lawyer: see what i did there, Barba? i'm schooling you.
Barba: okay, you know all the legal loopholes but why u gotta look so smug while doing it?
* Johnny D: please give this stuffed giraffe to my baby boy.
Amaro: pshhhh, yeah we'll get right on that for ya.
Johnny D: don't worry, i took the cocaine out of it.
* IAB: Amaro could cure cancer and he still wouldn't be accepted by the higher-ups.
Liv: no, if he cured cancer he could be sergeant.
IAB: wanna fuck?
* Liv: Nick i don't know how to put this but everyone hates you.
Amaro: as long as you live you never really escape high school, huh? it would have been easier to take if they just thought i was too dumb to pass the test.
* Carisi: they're casting shade.
the squad looks at Carisi with bewilderment.
Peter Scanavino: sorry, that's not in the script, i get all juiced when i'm doing the accent and everything i can't stop myself.
* pimp: yeah i've been reading books while i've been in here, Malcolm X, Martha Stewart.
Carisi: the only book you should be reading in the joint is the one that shows you how to build a suit of armor for yourself out of spoons.
* after the courtroom shootout:
Liv: are you okay, judge?
judge: i'll live.
Liv: the tv made it seem you got shot in the face.
* babysitter: how was your day?
Liv: courtroom shootout, people dead, just another Wednesday.
babysitter: OMG the day i had! first i chipped a nail. then Ellen was a frickin' repeat! and then i was on the phone for hours with my man and he said...
Liv: who's your boyfriend? on second thought, don't tell me, i don't care...
babysitter: Cassidy.
Liv: *sigh*
* isn't it so Dave that of all the songs from all the bands and singers and artists out there over that span of years, out of the entire history of music, crusty old Dave's favorite song is "Everlong" by Foo Fighters?
* judge: everything seems to be in order. i'm gonna go ahead and approve this adoption. who is this handsome man representing you today, Liv?
Liv: my husband.
judge: conflict of interest.
Liv: how so?
judge: well he's your husband but i'm interested in him.
* Liv (crying): Nick, i'll miss you so much. i grew with you. i didn't grow with my ex. with my previous partner, that whole situation, all those years with him, suffocated me, stunted my growth. i didn't have the heart to tell the shippers that it was never gonna happen cos i secretly hated him.
Amaro: who was your old partner again? Unstable something?
Liv: i'd rather not say his name.
* but she didn't.
* slimeball defense lawyer: see what i did there, Barba? i'm schooling you.
Barba: okay, you know all the legal loopholes but why u gotta look so smug while doing it?
* Johnny D: please give this stuffed giraffe to my baby boy.
Amaro: pshhhh, yeah we'll get right on that for ya.
Johnny D: don't worry, i took the cocaine out of it.
* IAB: Amaro could cure cancer and he still wouldn't be accepted by the higher-ups.
Liv: no, if he cured cancer he could be sergeant.
IAB: wanna fuck?
* Liv: Nick i don't know how to put this but everyone hates you.
Amaro: as long as you live you never really escape high school, huh? it would have been easier to take if they just thought i was too dumb to pass the test.
* Carisi: they're casting shade.
the squad looks at Carisi with bewilderment.
Peter Scanavino: sorry, that's not in the script, i get all juiced when i'm doing the accent and everything i can't stop myself.
* pimp: yeah i've been reading books while i've been in here, Malcolm X, Martha Stewart.
Carisi: the only book you should be reading in the joint is the one that shows you how to build a suit of armor for yourself out of spoons.
* after the courtroom shootout:
Liv: are you okay, judge?
judge: i'll live.
Liv: the tv made it seem you got shot in the face.
* babysitter: how was your day?
Liv: courtroom shootout, people dead, just another Wednesday.
babysitter: OMG the day i had! first i chipped a nail. then Ellen was a frickin' repeat! and then i was on the phone for hours with my man and he said...
Liv: who's your boyfriend? on second thought, don't tell me, i don't care...
babysitter: Cassidy.
Liv: *sigh*
* isn't it so Dave that of all the songs from all the bands and singers and artists out there over that span of years, out of the entire history of music, crusty old Dave's favorite song is "Everlong" by Foo Fighters?
* judge: everything seems to be in order. i'm gonna go ahead and approve this adoption. who is this handsome man representing you today, Liv?
Liv: my husband.
judge: conflict of interest.
Liv: how so?
judge: well he's your husband but i'm interested in him.
* Liv (crying): Nick, i'll miss you so much. i grew with you. i didn't grow with my ex. with my previous partner, that whole situation, all those years with him, suffocated me, stunted my growth. i didn't have the heart to tell the shippers that it was never gonna happen cos i secretly hated him.
Amaro: who was your old partner again? Unstable something?
Liv: i'd rather not say his name.
Monday, May 18, 2015
SNL Louis C.K. / Rihanna Episode Discussion
learned:
* first, let me finish on Florence (hey a man can dream): sorry about the foot, i didn't know. i always was aware of Florence's particular aura, i knew what she and her songs were about, her with the firebrand hair and frenetic spirit, of love, of relationships, but the two songs she performed on SNL gave me the opportunity to watch the music videos proper for these two songs. this was the first time i enjoyed two of her songs in their entirety. LOVED them. i always had a crush on Flo from afar but now my crush is fully-formed cos it has context. i can't keep "Ship To Wreck" out of my head, that's a good thing, been humming it whenever i'm not blogging. she's better than Flo from Progressive. Florence from the Machine is a lot younger than i thought she was, i thought she was one of those 50-year-old cougar milfs. ship to wreck, love that turn of phrase. the videos are quite impressive, full of high spirit and an actual spirit, an actual doppelganger of Florence fighting herself. who needs symbolism when you've got a real doppelganger? and her real beautiful breastststststststs?
* Inner White Girl: surprise surprise, this is Leslie Jones's best work to date and it gets cut for time. general rule of thumb: whatever gets cut for time is good. i get so mad that SNL never learns...i'm so angry...i'm steaming over here...okay...it's okay...my Inner White Girl is calming me down, explaining things to me rationally, i understand now that this is just the cost of business, it's not racist or anything, it is what it is. now it's my Inner White Girl that is getting angry but i've prepared for this: i've got a Starbucks PSL at the ready.
---------------------------------------
* cold open: i've often wondered how SNL would fare if it were new during summer. it never gets to comment on anything that happens in summer and i'm sure lots of interesting things happen during summer. like i wonder how SNL would handle all the shit that goes down at Wimbledon each year. i mean that would be totally crazy to see.
* monologue: let me see if i have this straight: so there's this French McDonald's in Chino...
* so that's why the elves stay with Santa year after year.
* wood PSAs: the next time you get wood, think of the lumberjack.
* Rihanna: first song: note to self: do not ask RiRi for money.
second song: i pledge allegiance to the flag of RiRi and the Illuminati. if we're not careful, American oxygen will be dirtier than the oxygen around during the Roman Empire.
* could you hold onto a lie for five years? i could, i'm still blogging aren't i?
* police lineup: actors are the best. and they really do support each other like that. if they don't get the part, they want their friend to get the part. don't worry, there's always another audition.
* I Love Lucy: oh yes! this is my favorite show ever. it looks weird colorized. Lucy has brown hair. of course Lucy and Ethel were doing it. gal pals, that's what it was called back then.
* oh, before i forget, the short with Louis and Kyle cut for time, don't want you waiting all summer for my review of it: it was good. no, Kyle, you're not stupid. yes, i would like to hear Kyle's stance on living in a house for that's foreign to me, i don't live in a house, a house lives on me, i am an island.
* notice how Kenan Thompson and Vanessa Bayer were paired up for a lot of the skits tonight? not sayin jus sayin. UPDATE: so apparently NO ONE is leaving?!!!!!!!
* goodnights: RiRi wants a little milk in her milk.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Parents' Nightmare" Episode Discussion
learned:
* this is weird. the father god bless 'im was struggling with the acting. but here's the thing, if he were more polished it might have been less believable. the fact that he was jerky and all over the place trying to generate different emotions is what a real dad in a real situation like this would evince, if he were a real dad in the world, not an actor. so he went the back end, but he might have pulled off a more believable performance...by being bad. is this what acting really is? this is blowing my mind.
* IAB greaseball: do i need a reason to pop in here?
Liv: yes you do you greaseball.
IAB greaseball: wanna fuck?
Liv: no.
IAB greaseball: aight just checkin'.
* mother: i don't know anything! i lose everything!
Rollins: that's very zen. i'm gonna use that the next time i gamble.
* yoga babe: are you here for some hot yoga?
Carisi: oh yeah! i mean, no, for a phone.
yoga babe: want me to put my number in it?
Carisi: i'm at work, miss, at work. whoa, who are all those big-breasted babes in there?
yoga babe: that's the hot yoga class! wanna join us?
Carisi: i love being the awkward comic relief in this deathly serious show.
* suspect: i don't speak English!
Ice-T: gotcha!
* Liv: Owen, you are such a precocious little boy, the audience is falling in love with you! how did you get caught up in this mess?
* this is weird. the father god bless 'im was struggling with the acting. but here's the thing, if he were more polished it might have been less believable. the fact that he was jerky and all over the place trying to generate different emotions is what a real dad in a real situation like this would evince, if he were a real dad in the world, not an actor. so he went the back end, but he might have pulled off a more believable performance...by being bad. is this what acting really is? this is blowing my mind.
* IAB greaseball: do i need a reason to pop in here?
Liv: yes you do you greaseball.
IAB greaseball: wanna fuck?
Liv: no.
IAB greaseball: aight just checkin'.
* mother: i don't know anything! i lose everything!
Rollins: that's very zen. i'm gonna use that the next time i gamble.
* yoga babe: are you here for some hot yoga?
Carisi: oh yeah! i mean, no, for a phone.
yoga babe: want me to put my number in it?
Carisi: i'm at work, miss, at work. whoa, who are all those big-breasted babes in there?
yoga babe: that's the hot yoga class! wanna join us?
Carisi: i love being the awkward comic relief in this deathly serious show.
* suspect: i don't speak English!
Ice-T: gotcha!
* Liv: Owen, you are such a precocious little boy, the audience is falling in love with you! how did you get caught up in this mess?
Owen: no friggin' clue, i just wanted to go to Sesame Street. it's around here, right? New York?
* babysitter: what's the deal? why are you harassing me? i'm just the babysitter.
Liv: have you seen my babysitter? babysitters and i don't mix.
* Liv: Owen, did you ever see your dad looking at naughty pictures on the ipad?
Owen: yeah, he was looking at ponies.
* mother: i swear, i didn't want this for you. here's my wire.
father: thought for a second you were gonna show me your...does this mean you want us to get back together and be a family for Owen?
mother: yes...or no...what were we talking about again?...i forgot...i don't know, i lost it...
* Ice-T: i'm not taking a test to get a promotion. fuck school!
Carisi looks at Amaro.
Carisi: what was that look just now, Amaro? are you thinking you want to be a sarge?
Amaro: i want to, yes, i want to take the test Ice-T just gave up, but i looked at the preview for next week and i'm shot dead. i'm out. hey guys, enjoy the rest of this sinking-ship show.
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