learned:
* i think this is one of those rare episodes of this particular show where i can really be funny in my review without feeling icky afterwards. no pressure.
* critic: remember me? i'm the one critic who consistently wrote in all the papers that all of your books are shit.
author: that can't be right, i'm fucking Marcia Cross.
* Carisi: Boss, these women wanted to speak to someone in authority. i tried speaking with them myself but they weren't havin' it. i don't get it, i went to Fordham.
* the author looks at Rollins hornily.
Rollins (pats herself on the back, literally): still got it.
Carisi: so sir, you are willingly having sex with your wife?
author: of course, look at her!
Carisi: so, like, anal or?
Rollins: Carisi!
Carisi: just making sure, thorough police work.
* Carisi: why did you let his wife pull the plug?
doctor: i didn't.
Carisi: pull out all the plugs, excuse me.
doctor: i mean it's Marcia Cross, y'know? huge Desperate Housewives fangirl here.
Carisi: can't talk about anything non-NBC.
* Amaro: didn't this guy throw one of his many ex-wives through a plate glass window?
Carisi: hey, nobody's perfect. you can hate the man but you must respect his brilliant work.
Amaro: sounds like a Cosby thing.
Carisi: no, this is the Casey Kasem episode, but one of these days we're gonna have to do the Cosby episode straight-up.
* opposing lawyer: i will not lose to you, Barba! i will not lose to a man who leaves the house dressed like that!
Barba: my tacky suits are my business. and...yeah, well...you have poodle hair! and you're ugly!
* medical examiner: electroejaculation...
Amaro: i'm out.
Rollins: like what they do to those poor elephants?
Amaro: i don't want to hear anymore. (covers ears) earmuffs, lalalalalalalala. i hope whoever on this good green Earth is doing this procedure gets rectally probed by aliens.
* Barba's gran: yeah, just send me to prison. nursing homes suck. yeah, you have to go, huh? just go and help someone else.
Barba: thanks for the guilt trip, Abuelita. i'm quitting my job and caring for you full time. all that's important in this life is family, work will never satisfy me. i'll miss the suits but everyone in the familia must make sacrifices.
* everyone in the courtroom gets a video message on their phones.
courtroom in unison: what's this message?
it's an old episode of Seinfeld.
courtoom in unison: ah, remember back in the day when NBC was running on all cylinders? can't ever happen again, landscape's changed and everything.
* daughter: fuck you, dad. my writing isn't horrible.
lucid author: but it will never be at my genius level. women just don't make good writers.
daughter: you said the same thing when i tried out to be a stand-up comic.
author in control of his faculties: i read your adaptation. i thought it was trash. rule number one, don't adapt my work! adapt Shakespeare instead. or come up with your own ideas.
daughter: okay, that was bad. but what did you think of my second work, an original script i'm calling "December Solstice"?
* Barba: madam, you left your dying husband in an airplane, this is proof of guilt of something.
wife: he was totally coherent and lucid, though. he wanted this. why, during the flight he even threw a closed bag of macadamia nuts at the flight attendant.
* Barba: where will you be when you're 85?
Liv: probably dead.
Barba: yeah, me, too.
* author's daughter: here's a rare copy of of one of my father's books. i thought you should have it, you being a big fanboy and all.
Carisi (smiles): thanks.
daughter: that's a cute, weirdly-shaped smile you beamed right there. would you like to go out some time?
Carisi: nah, gotta go home to my lonely apartment and read this book i was just gifted. reading is FUNdamental.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Undercover Mother" Episode Discussion
learned:
* the acting was off in this one. like you had these scenes where the characters are supposed to be intense and the setting is supposed to be threatening and dangerous, but either the music cue doesn't come on in time or it's the wrong music or the actors are saying their lines like they're reading it off the script for the first time, the scenes hang there and go limp, no impact at all. you just see all throughout that this isn't real in any way, you see the stitches of this being a fake play, so there are no stakes at all.
* Lili Taylor was nicely understated in this one, i liked her brand of acting, it's almost all internal, not showy. there was no bombastic bawling of eyes out when she finally reunited with her daughter, it was temperate and maybe she was too full of stunned silence to explode. she imploded. it was so low-key in fact that when she gave that look, that nod of agreement when no one was watching her in that scene, i thought that was a tell to the audience and half-expected her to end up being in on the scam, a larger broader scam maybe, that that really wasn't her daughter, perhaps she was the real head undercover madam the whole time and was double-agenting the cops.
* Rollins: do you have to focus on that woman's big phat ass?
Carisi: whoa, whoa, i'm just getting into my undercover role. my role is of a man.
Liv: you think that's hot? wait till you see my butt later on.
Carisi: wait, what?
Liv: spoilers.
Rollins: i'm interested, too.
* pimp's head girl-organizer: aw man, why'd you have to do this on Super Bowl Sunday?
Carisi: i know, right? i want to see Beast Mode. nobody can stop Beast Mode, not the Patriots, not any group of men. Beast Mode will rush it into the end zone i'm predicting like three or four times, enough to win the game, that's obviously the game plan, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to know this, everyone knows this.
* babysitter: you're all dolled up, Liv! never seen you like this before. you're hot! well, hotTER.
Liv: thanks. like my bodacious booty in these leather pants?
Ice-T: yeah mama i do, and i know asses.
Liv: better than your wife's?
Ice-T: i know this isn't pc to say, but yeah, yours is better. sorry, boo, but Liv is bae.
* Declan: i'm deadly serious, you got me?
pimp: sorry, dude, that accent, i can't take you seriously, i mean all i'm hearing is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
Declan: whatever, i leave for Gotham tonight anyway, forget you.
* Barba: sorry?! that's it?! Liv, you're lucky you've got a nice ass.
* Melinda Warner: and now in my best Maury: Liv, that creep is your baby's father.
Liv: come on, writers, you should have made it Elliot Stabler's. you know it, you know it. you know that's what you really wanted to write.
* the acting was off in this one. like you had these scenes where the characters are supposed to be intense and the setting is supposed to be threatening and dangerous, but either the music cue doesn't come on in time or it's the wrong music or the actors are saying their lines like they're reading it off the script for the first time, the scenes hang there and go limp, no impact at all. you just see all throughout that this isn't real in any way, you see the stitches of this being a fake play, so there are no stakes at all.
* Lili Taylor was nicely understated in this one, i liked her brand of acting, it's almost all internal, not showy. there was no bombastic bawling of eyes out when she finally reunited with her daughter, it was temperate and maybe she was too full of stunned silence to explode. she imploded. it was so low-key in fact that when she gave that look, that nod of agreement when no one was watching her in that scene, i thought that was a tell to the audience and half-expected her to end up being in on the scam, a larger broader scam maybe, that that really wasn't her daughter, perhaps she was the real head undercover madam the whole time and was double-agenting the cops.
* Rollins: do you have to focus on that woman's big phat ass?
Carisi: whoa, whoa, i'm just getting into my undercover role. my role is of a man.
Liv: you think that's hot? wait till you see my butt later on.
Carisi: wait, what?
Liv: spoilers.
Rollins: i'm interested, too.
* pimp's head girl-organizer: aw man, why'd you have to do this on Super Bowl Sunday?
Carisi: i know, right? i want to see Beast Mode. nobody can stop Beast Mode, not the Patriots, not any group of men. Beast Mode will rush it into the end zone i'm predicting like three or four times, enough to win the game, that's obviously the game plan, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to know this, everyone knows this.
* babysitter: you're all dolled up, Liv! never seen you like this before. you're hot! well, hotTER.
Liv: thanks. like my bodacious booty in these leather pants?
Ice-T: yeah mama i do, and i know asses.
Liv: better than your wife's?
Ice-T: i know this isn't pc to say, but yeah, yours is better. sorry, boo, but Liv is bae.
* Declan: i'm deadly serious, you got me?
pimp: sorry, dude, that accent, i can't take you seriously, i mean all i'm hearing is the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
Declan: whatever, i leave for Gotham tonight anyway, forget you.
* Barba: sorry?! that's it?! Liv, you're lucky you've got a nice ass.
* Melinda Warner: and now in my best Maury: Liv, that creep is your baby's father.
Liv: come on, writers, you should have made it Elliot Stabler's. you know it, you know it. you know that's what you really wanted to write.
Monday, February 16, 2015
SNL 40 Episode Discussion
learned:
* imma let you finish but lemme make this quick. i don't have to do this, right? this is just a retrospective, repeats and old clips, right? IT'S NEW!? damn.
* this was to the Oscars what the alternative prom is to the prom.
* i'm live-tweeting this btw.
* RIP Jon Lovitz
* Sinead O'Connor was busy.
* Bass-O-Matic: this inspired Billy Mays, but it also inspired Vince Offer.
* the best part about improv is the breaking/corpsing. ponder that for a millennium...
* we're all having a lot of fun here, but if i can be serious for once, those auditions were real and fascinating. that must be so scary and intimidating. i love acting but i hate auditions.
* Dennis Miller was in the building but then that joke about the Fox News blondes.
* i really want to see those Lorne Michaels/Miley Cyrus photos.
* Tina Fey getting eaten by Land Shark: Illuminati confirmed, i mean fetish satisfied.
* can something be both an institution and bad? can something be both an institution and an albatross?
* speaking of the Illuminati, Kanye: as much as i admire Sia's musical gifts, i admire her creativity when it comes to covering her face more.
* now that i have time to reflect, the best part of The Californians is when they all go to the mirror.
* Audience Q&A was so Carol Burnett Show. now when i think of Seinfeld, i will forever have the image of Disneyland burning burned into my psyche, pun sadly intended.
* Wayne's World: conundrum for millennia: comedy without catchphrases is more satisfying, but catchphrases are the only things that are remembered a millennium down the road.
* Eddie Murphy: oh Murph, i love seeing you, but that's it? i was hoping for something a bit more than you nervous at your high-school reunion. he really didn't want to be there, huh. i want to see those photos.
* best sports host: Andy Roddick.
* goodnights: Lorne Michaels's handshake diss: man, will Steve Martin EVER get the respect he deserves?
* after last night, it's hard to beat the drum for this show's cancellation. its history is undeniably rich and storied, and it just seems that it's too late now to cancel it, it missed decades ago the natural cancellation date most shows hit. it will never be cancelled, creating more and more history forever. just remember, history can't really be history until it's history.
* is it weird that Lorne Michaels, the head of this gigantic comedy machine, seems completely and utterly humorless?
* if i had to pick one thing, one thing i will always associate with this show, remember for millennia, it has to be: the backstage orgies. the tender sex. i mean the tenor sax, the "Waltz in A" theme at the end of each show is the true classic and takeaway, man i love that wistful song...
* imma let you finish but lemme make this quick. i don't have to do this, right? this is just a retrospective, repeats and old clips, right? IT'S NEW!? damn.
* this was to the Oscars what the alternative prom is to the prom.
* i'm live-tweeting this btw.
* RIP Jon Lovitz
* Sinead O'Connor was busy.
* Bass-O-Matic: this inspired Billy Mays, but it also inspired Vince Offer.
* the best part about improv is the breaking/corpsing. ponder that for a millennium...
* we're all having a lot of fun here, but if i can be serious for once, those auditions were real and fascinating. that must be so scary and intimidating. i love acting but i hate auditions.
* Dennis Miller was in the building but then that joke about the Fox News blondes.
* i really want to see those Lorne Michaels/Miley Cyrus photos.
* Tina Fey getting eaten by Land Shark: Illuminati confirmed, i mean fetish satisfied.
* can something be both an institution and bad? can something be both an institution and an albatross?
* speaking of the Illuminati, Kanye: as much as i admire Sia's musical gifts, i admire her creativity when it comes to covering her face more.
* now that i have time to reflect, the best part of The Californians is when they all go to the mirror.
* Audience Q&A was so Carol Burnett Show. now when i think of Seinfeld, i will forever have the image of Disneyland burning burned into my psyche, pun sadly intended.
* Wayne's World: conundrum for millennia: comedy without catchphrases is more satisfying, but catchphrases are the only things that are remembered a millennium down the road.
* Eddie Murphy: oh Murph, i love seeing you, but that's it? i was hoping for something a bit more than you nervous at your high-school reunion. he really didn't want to be there, huh. i want to see those photos.
* best sports host: Andy Roddick.
* goodnights: Lorne Michaels's handshake diss: man, will Steve Martin EVER get the respect he deserves?
* after last night, it's hard to beat the drum for this show's cancellation. its history is undeniably rich and storied, and it just seems that it's too late now to cancel it, it missed decades ago the natural cancellation date most shows hit. it will never be cancelled, creating more and more history forever. just remember, history can't really be history until it's history.
* is it weird that Lorne Michaels, the head of this gigantic comedy machine, seems completely and utterly humorless?
* if i had to pick one thing, one thing i will always associate with this show, remember for millennia, it has to be: the backstage orgies. the tender sex. i mean the tenor sax, the "Waltz in A" theme at the end of each show is the true classic and takeaway, man i love that wistful song...
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Intimidation Game" Episode Discussion
learned:
* here it is, the video-game episode. i have a feeling Morgan Webb and Adam Sessler aren't gonna show up and start discussing the latest releases. i miss those two even though i never watched X-Play and they weren't a part of my generation, i was one or two generations before. it would have been interesting to hear their thoughts during the '80s boom. i want Morgan to explain why video games now with all of their bits still aren't as fun as the original Zelda and Super Mario Bros. Sessler, voice of his generation, their generation, not mine, but still. G4's now this hipster hang, huh.
* Liv: so doc, i'm fine, but i'm worried. fix me.
Lindstrom: boys will be boys.
Liv: were you ever like that as a child? all rambunctious?
Lindstrom: no, no, never.
Liv: interesting.
* kid shoots Fin's sqaud and wins the video game.
kid: yeah, boy, get you some!
Fin: you snot-nosed punk! do you know who i am?
kid: no.
Fin: the ridiculously hot wife?
kid: my sister's better looking than her. and she's natural.
Fin: Cop Killer?
kid: is that a game?
Fin: would have been easier for me if it were. more fantasy/real-life stuff later...
* dude: feminazi.
girl: lives in your mama's basement.
dude: at least i have a basement. and a mama.
girl: you're debased for sure. your mother wears army boots.
dude: i don't know what that means. i'd die for my country.
girl: you wouldn't last two seconds in a non-virtual war. do you want to kiss me?
dude: honestly yes.
girl: is your mom a feminist?
dude: yes and i love her.
girl: can we at least agree on one thing? based god.
dude: thank you based god.
* Rollins: are you okay? what happened?
victim: they leveled up.
Rollins: can you believe how Cartoon Network treated that series? i mean they were literally in the middle of filming an episode when a dude must have come in to say stop the presses and the entire operation shuts down just like that. finito. that's cutthroat, man, that's brutal, no courtesy, just done. all that hard work before, poof, like it never existed and nobody's ever heard of it.
* Liv: hey nerd, you can't profit off a crime like this, Son of Sam law.
nerd: but without video games i have no life.
Liv: son, with video games you have no life.
* Liv: why are you pointing a red laser-pointer at her?
dude: cos she's a pussy. get it? cats and laser-pointers and everything.
Liv: let's take a trip to the station, genius. isn't this just cos you can't get any pussy?
dude: that's a gamer stereotype i don't appreciate. it's true in my case but that's not the point(er).
* suspect: shut up! video games are real!
Fin: no they're not!
suspect: stop feeding me lies! i saw the beer commercial, that guy was experiencing Pac-Man in real life!
* Fin shoots suspect.
Carisi: thanks buddy, your video-game skills saved my life.
Liv: i stand corrected. get the nerd back, i owe him an apology.
Carisi: the nerd's playing sports now.
Liv: that's insane, does he want a concussion?
* Barba: hey this episode was all Law and no Order. no courtroom scenes at all. oh well, i'm still your favorite hot Cuban in those spiffy suits. maybe we'll see each other next time.
* Fin: difference is, i can tell real-life from fantasy.
Liv: what if i told you everything happening all around you right now is an elaborate MMORPG.
Fin: do you even know what an MMORPG is?
Liv: nope.
Fin: here's my gun and badge.
Liv: keep 'em, it was a good shoot.
Fin: yes, but on tv, whenever it's thought to be a good shoot, it never ends up being a good shoot. i'll expect IAB at my doorstep soon.
Liv: you're right, expect him, he'll drive over from my place. full disclosure, the IAB dude and i are makin whoopee.
* here it is, the video-game episode. i have a feeling Morgan Webb and Adam Sessler aren't gonna show up and start discussing the latest releases. i miss those two even though i never watched X-Play and they weren't a part of my generation, i was one or two generations before. it would have been interesting to hear their thoughts during the '80s boom. i want Morgan to explain why video games now with all of their bits still aren't as fun as the original Zelda and Super Mario Bros. Sessler, voice of his generation, their generation, not mine, but still. G4's now this hipster hang, huh.
* Liv: so doc, i'm fine, but i'm worried. fix me.
Lindstrom: boys will be boys.
Liv: were you ever like that as a child? all rambunctious?
Lindstrom: no, no, never.
Liv: interesting.
* kid shoots Fin's sqaud and wins the video game.
kid: yeah, boy, get you some!
Fin: you snot-nosed punk! do you know who i am?
kid: no.
Fin: the ridiculously hot wife?
kid: my sister's better looking than her. and she's natural.
Fin: Cop Killer?
kid: is that a game?
Fin: would have been easier for me if it were. more fantasy/real-life stuff later...
* dude: feminazi.
girl: lives in your mama's basement.
dude: at least i have a basement. and a mama.
girl: you're debased for sure. your mother wears army boots.
dude: i don't know what that means. i'd die for my country.
girl: you wouldn't last two seconds in a non-virtual war. do you want to kiss me?
dude: honestly yes.
girl: is your mom a feminist?
dude: yes and i love her.
girl: can we at least agree on one thing? based god.
dude: thank you based god.
* Rollins: are you okay? what happened?
victim: they leveled up.
Rollins: can you believe how Cartoon Network treated that series? i mean they were literally in the middle of filming an episode when a dude must have come in to say stop the presses and the entire operation shuts down just like that. finito. that's cutthroat, man, that's brutal, no courtesy, just done. all that hard work before, poof, like it never existed and nobody's ever heard of it.
* Liv: hey nerd, you can't profit off a crime like this, Son of Sam law.
nerd: but without video games i have no life.
Liv: son, with video games you have no life.
* Liv: why are you pointing a red laser-pointer at her?
dude: cos she's a pussy. get it? cats and laser-pointers and everything.
Liv: let's take a trip to the station, genius. isn't this just cos you can't get any pussy?
dude: that's a gamer stereotype i don't appreciate. it's true in my case but that's not the point(er).
* suspect: shut up! video games are real!
Fin: no they're not!
suspect: stop feeding me lies! i saw the beer commercial, that guy was experiencing Pac-Man in real life!
* Fin shoots suspect.
Carisi: thanks buddy, your video-game skills saved my life.
Liv: i stand corrected. get the nerd back, i owe him an apology.
Carisi: the nerd's playing sports now.
Liv: that's insane, does he want a concussion?
* Barba: hey this episode was all Law and no Order. no courtroom scenes at all. oh well, i'm still your favorite hot Cuban in those spiffy suits. maybe we'll see each other next time.
* Fin: difference is, i can tell real-life from fantasy.
Liv: what if i told you everything happening all around you right now is an elaborate MMORPG.
Fin: do you even know what an MMORPG is?
Liv: nope.
Fin: here's my gun and badge.
Liv: keep 'em, it was a good shoot.
Fin: yes, but on tv, whenever it's thought to be a good shoot, it never ends up being a good shoot. i'll expect IAB at my doorstep soon.
Liv: you're right, expect him, he'll drive over from my place. full disclosure, the IAB dude and i are makin whoopee.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Decaying Morality" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Liv: Jimmy Mac? he owes me a drink.
the squad all cheer: yeah! Alec Baldwin's back! the world is brighter when Alec Baldwin shows up for things.
Liv: no, Alec Baldwin's not gonna show up, we're just referencing him.
the squad: boo!
Liv: he can't travel anymore, banned from all flights. poor thing just sits around all day in his New York studio apartment "practicing yoga" with his hot wife and expanding his vocabulary With Friends. he knows more Words than exist. also, he's on his cell constantly furiously trying to get his MSNBC show back. Friday nights: money slot.
* Fin: i hate dentists.
Carisi: but you have so many gold teeth.
* Carisi: mute the witch!
Liv: excuse me?
* Amaro: after all this, i'm more careful. had to get a root canal, was planning to go under and be gassed out the entire procedure, but i'd rather be aware and take the pain of throbbing teeth than any other thing the dentist was planning to do to me while i slept.
* Uncle Dentist: you can't be pregnant, i had a vasectomy before i raped you.
Rollins: got him finally!
Carisi: yep, the greatest fear of any man isn't war, sterility, or insanity then homelessness. it's that manila folder Maury Povich holds in his hand...
* Uncle Dentist: ow, you're breaking my fingers!
Carisi: you deserve it and more!
Uncle Dentist: how you gonna get accurate fingerprints? you want me to skate on a technicality?
Carisi: you're right, i'm stopping. this rash action of mine is sure to come back in a future episode exploring my backstory.
Uncle Dentist: i just said anything to make you stop.
Monday, February 2, 2015
SNL J.K. Simmons / D'Angelo Episode Discussion
learned:
* Marshawn Lynch after Super Bowl XLIX: "aw man, i got all Skittled up to run all day and everything..."
* monologue: that thing where you want Fred Armisen to come back but only as the house-band drummer.
* Teacher Snow Day: many teachers found this offensive, but i submit to you that if my teachers all smoked weed, we would have related to each other better, been on the same spiritual wavelength, real learning isn't in a classroom, it's going outside and smoking weed.
* the Jay Z Story: proof that story matters more than characters.
* D'Angelo: proof that the message is the medium.
* Microsoft Assistant: think about how many massacres your precious but computer-illiterate grandfolks have inadvertently caused. for the sake of life everywhere, help that little old lady across the street and really teach her how to send that email to you the next time she wants to cross the street.
* Casablanca: mmmmmm, hill of baked beans *Homer Simpson gargle*
* Miss Trash: that wasn't Miss California, that was just Drew Barrymore.
* Career Day: here's how awesome Japan is, they had an anime out about Messy Boys the moment SNL ended, and it was already five years old.
* goodnights: it was so long i had time to think J.K. was wearing a San Francisco Giants cap cos of the colors but realize at the end it was a Detroit Tigers cap. i also ate my Sunday breakfast. the skit they skipped was so good it couldn't possibly be on the show, it screamed online-only.
* Marshawn Lynch after Super Bowl XLIX: "aw man, i got all Skittled up to run all day and everything..."
* monologue: that thing where you want Fred Armisen to come back but only as the house-band drummer.
* Teacher Snow Day: many teachers found this offensive, but i submit to you that if my teachers all smoked weed, we would have related to each other better, been on the same spiritual wavelength, real learning isn't in a classroom, it's going outside and smoking weed.
* the Jay Z Story: proof that story matters more than characters.
* D'Angelo: proof that the message is the medium.
* Microsoft Assistant: think about how many massacres your precious but computer-illiterate grandfolks have inadvertently caused. for the sake of life everywhere, help that little old lady across the street and really teach her how to send that email to you the next time she wants to cross the street.
* Casablanca: mmmmmm, hill of baked beans *Homer Simpson gargle*
* Miss Trash: that wasn't Miss California, that was just Drew Barrymore.
* Career Day: here's how awesome Japan is, they had an anime out about Messy Boys the moment SNL ended, and it was already five years old.
* goodnights: it was so long i had time to think J.K. was wearing a San Francisco Giants cap cos of the colors but realize at the end it was a Detroit Tigers cap. i also ate my Sunday breakfast. the skit they skipped was so good it couldn't possibly be on the show, it screamed online-only.
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