The X-Files "Founder's Mutation" Episode Discussion

learned:

* worker: i keep hearing weird sounds in my ear.
coworker: stick a Q-tip all the way into your ear, works every time.

* worker: none of you at the table hear that?
Edgar Allan Poe: that's your conscience, buddy.
a murder of crows lands all across the lawn outside.
Edgar Allan Poe: *creepy smile* they follow me everywhere.

* Scully: he killed himself with a letter opener.
Mulder: people still write letters? it could be that condition where some people can hear sounds others can't.
Scully: like when you never answer my texts?
Mulder: i got my pager on silent, the CIA is spying on me.

* victim's brother: please be gentle with me, it's my first time.
Mulder: same with me. wait, are we talking about the same thing? on the count of 3, let's both blurt out what we're talking about. 1, 2, 3...
victim's brother: gay sex.
Mulder: gay sex.
Mulder: okay, just making sure. oh, please don't tell Scully about this, she's religious.

* Scully: i had to break the victim's fingers to get at the message on his palm.
Mulder: it reads "Baba Booey".

* hot doctor's-assistant struts her stuff, has one line, and will be the key to everything come "My Struggle II".

* one child in the lab has an enormous mouth.
child: hey, didn't your mother teach you not to stare at someone eating?

* Scully: where are your parents?
another child with a head/cap deformity: what are parents?
Scully: would you like to come home with me and wait for your new brother William?
child: only if i get a cool name like Gibson Praise.

* young mother pregnant with child: help me, i need to get out of this asylum.
Mulder: why?
Nurse Ratched: sex is the devil's plaything.
Scully: i see what you mean.
young mother: yeah, that's my mom. she's jealous of me. in fairness, i did steal her boyfriend. this was supposed to be her baby.

* Mulder: you don't like cats?
doctor's wife: sorry. too many cat videos, that's why i'm locked up in here.
Scully: Mrs. Doctor, can you tell us about the time you saw your daughter breathing underwater?
doctor's wife: i was shocked at first. but then it made sense. too many viewings of The Little Mermaid.

* the fetus breaks out of the doctor's wife's womb like cracking an eggshell, sticks its hand out to remove itself out into the open and casually walks away from the mother.
Mulder: okay so NOW can the debate be closed on when a fetus becomes a living thing?

* Scully: do you ever think of William?
Mulder: yeah, he's great as Cigarette-Smoking Man.

* Mulder: did you know everyone in Europe is descended from just three men who lived in the Bronze Age?
Scully: yeah, their names were Moe, Larry, and Curly.
Mulder: i was descended from Shemp.

* Scully points her gun at the young man who can cause people to suicide.
Scully: stop whatever it is you're doing.
young man: it's nothing to be ashamed of, masturbation is perfectly natural and healthy.
the young man's palms start to grow hair.

* young man: that's not my sister.
Mulder: no, that's MY sister!!! where the hell have you been?!!
Mulder's sister: New Jersey.

* Skinner: okay, i'm here at the crime scene as usual cleaning up your two's mess.
Mulder and Scully: we really appreciate it all these years, boss.
Skinner lights up a cigarette.
Skinner: oh shit, you two weren't supposed to see that!

* William: Mom, where do babies come from?
Scully: when a mommy human and daddy alien love each other very much...
Mulder: "we go to the moon because it is hahd. like pahking the cah in the yahd."
William: Dad, what does the Monolith mean?
Mulder: nobody really knows for sure. you'll find out when you get abducted.

The X-Files "My Struggle" Episode Discussion

learned:

* nothing to do with Hitler.

* this isn't really a community discussion, more a one-man review *X-Files theme plays*

* chills. goosebumps. thick pink nostalgic goggles. but you know, as always, it isn't just the show itself, it's the time i was alive when the show was in its heyday. i look back at how stressfree, how pre-internet, how blogless my life was back then, an innocent babe enjoying the Canadian wilderness of that first season. i want to live in the Canadian wilderness. with Wolverine.

* scientist: can i get off the bus, Gus? i don't feel safe without a seatbelt.

* Mulder: my name is Fox Mulder. i was huge in the '90s. we got canceled in the 2000s. little did anyone know back then that the 2000s would be so godawful. nothing has changed since, it's only gotten worse. this isn't '90s nostalgia, folks, it's a cry for quality writing on tv. the first conspiracy came when music fans the world over anticipated what would come after Nirvana and were shocked and dismayed to learn it was the Backstreet Boys.

* Mulder: Scully, Obama's making fun of me on Fallon. i voted for him. thanks.

* scientist: why did you shoot that alien in the butt?!!!

* conspirator on tv: 9/11 was false flag! we're already fighting World War III! somehow, mysteriously, McDonald's is a viable stock again!
Mulder: why do you have bulletproof glass on your limo?
conspirator: for bullets.
Mulder: won't protect against single bullets.

* Mulder: Sveta is the key to everything.
Sveta: they took my babies!
Mulder: i can help with that.......so, where can i meet you alone late at night? is your depression endogenous, too?
Sveta: reactive.
Mulder: damn. what's your favorite color? mine's black.
Sveta: i don't see color.
Mulder: that's an enlightened answer.

* conspirator: wanna go on a date?
Scully: you're not gonna end up being the son Mulder and i have together, right? cos that would be weird.

* Mulder: how is it that you look exactly the same 14 years later?
Skinner: see all those pencils stuck up there on the ceiling? great for pull-ups.

* Mulder: this alien ship runs on the energy of the universe? how?
secret scientist: New Age.
the ship disappears.
Mulder: how did this ship disappear into thin air?
secret scientist: Klingon technology.
government soldiers barge into the warehouse and explode the ship.
secret scientist: don't worry, we can get a new ship, there's an Illuminati store nearby. take a right at the McDonald's and you're there.

* Scully: they are doing God's work with those poor souls born with no ears. next patient!
Simon Cowell: what am i doing here?! my ears work fine...
Scully: Fox is bringing back all their hits.

* Mulder: Tuskegee, Henrietta Lacks, Blair Walsh missing that field goal.
conspirator: Russian invasion, consumerism, Gostkowski missing that extra point.
Scully: her tests came back negative, cold, altitude. anything else?
Mulder: why is your face all weird, Scully?
conspirator: yeah. botox?
Scully: i am a woman, the greatest mystery in the universe.

* scientist as an old man: i know everything. but i can't tell you anything. the world fits nicely into one venal conspiracy theory. i mean the universe couldn't possibly be a cold, godless random void, could it?
Mulder: when will i finally learn all the secrets?! i've been kinda spinning my wheels for 14 years.
scientist as an old man: only when you get as old as me.
Mulder: something tells me i'm not gonna make it to your age.

* Sveta's car gets exploded by the alien spacecraft just as her radio tunes to "I Want It That Way."

* Scully: i suppose we have no choice but to go after those SOBs.
Mulder: Super Omniscient Beings?

* the Cigarette-Smoking Man gets help from a hot nurse to smoke his cigarette through the hole in his neck.
Cigarette-Smoking Man: cigarettes couldn't kill me. what chance did missiles have?

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Ogopogo" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i'm happy and sad this is over, ya feel me?

* Mike: why didn't you tell me the mystery slip was from Pigeon's wife?
Marquess: you explicitly made it clear you would never have time for bird sex.

* the gang waits for the porn to finish.
Pigeon: always finishes the same way...and yet i come back to it time and time again.

* Pigeon: God is dead. and no one cares. if there is a Hell i'll see you there...

* Pigeon in the carryall.
Marquess: you're giving me the silent treatment...it's so nice. i just ate the key to that carryall.
the key goes through Marquess.
Marquess: dammit.

* the Indian: OGOPOGO!
Mike: you scared the shit outta me! how'd you know i'm afraid of pogo sticks? that's some indian-magic shit going on there.
the Indian: come on, man, that's a hurtful stereotype.
the Indian begins to cry like Iron Eyes Cody.
the Indian: damn this show.

* Pigeon flies over and shits on his wife.
Pigeon's wife: just like our honeymoon.

* Pigeon's wife: drink?
Mike: think about it, ma'am. think about me for a moment. think about me sober and then think about me drunk.

* the gang looks through the photo album.
Yung: holy fuck Pigeon is a hot human! right?
Marquess: not as hot as me.
Mike: he looks cold to me. look at those nipples.

* Pigeon and his wife have sex upstairs.
Pigeon: this isn't technically bestiality, okay?
Pigeon's wife: i don't mind.
Pigeon: now i get it...

* Marquess: what were you doing in there for so long? masturbating?
Yung turns red.
Yung: no, threeway with Pigeon and his wife.
Mike: that's good, masturbation is a sin.

* God transforms Pigeon's wife into a pigeon.
God: that's for earlier. you guys never learn. remember what happened to Nietzsche?

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Greece is the Word" Episode Discussion

learned:

* at the council meeting:
councilman: in order to be fair, we need an independent investigation.
Trump: you're not a very good councilman. life's not fair, look what happened to Clemson.
councilman: i'll get the Scooby Gang on the case.
other councilman: who?
Trump: i smoked pot with Shaggy in college. i bought the pot, Shaggy let me stroke his hair.

* Marquess: is that the pizza?
Mike: it's some guys in suits. quick, before they zap me and i forget everything...
Yung: i love you, dad.
Mike: ...no, REMEMBER THE HOT WINGS!

* the doorbell plays Fur Elise.........and Under Pressure.

* Apple genius: it says here you forgot to take a shit.
Mike: yeah, well, i don't give a shit! i take one. where's your bathroom?

* Pigeon: i said i was sohry.
Yung: ah HA! you outed yourself! you're a Degrassi fan!

* Mike: are you God? is this Heaven?
Atlantis guy (after drawn-out demonic laughter): this is better than Heaven...
Mike: thank you, God! i finally get to fight without rules. i've always wanted to do MMA.

* Atlantis guy: i will now give you a tour of my Greek heritage. step over any pile of stereotype you see. there's me with my gold chain and exposed hairy chest, there's us throwing and breaking plates and saying opa!, there's the goat pissing in the fountain, there's me saying "baby", the disturbing armless statues, hitting bottles on tables, the tinny folk music that always plays that one song, and the doors that never open.
Mike: can i have some soup?
Atlantis guy: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Yung: doors that never open?
Atlantis guy: yeah, after the whole Pandora's box debacle...
Pigeon: i loved Pandora's open box...

* Atlantis guy: wanna dance?
Mike punches him in the jaw.
Mike: i float and sting motherfucka. that's for the soup.

* Mike: no van? i hate when that happens. i guess i'll hail a taxi.
taxi pulls up. the Atlantis guy is the driver.
Atlantis guy:...here's me being a taxi driver...

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Tent Revival" Episode Discussion

learned:

* wait, where's that Atlantis guy who sounds like that Seinfeld guy?

* Mike: come on, Marquess, you can fly up there, i've seen you naked, you're ripped.

* Mike: is that a termite?
exterminator: no, cooking splatter.
Mike: grease is even more dangerous for you.
Dr. Steve Brule: for your health.
exterminator: i know what i'm talking about, i'm a Satanist.

* Mike: i won't get into what you did with Oscar Wilde in your college years.
Marquess: that bastard stole all my best quotes.

* this isn't another rip, this is serious: seeing Mike in his black boxer shorts knocked me out with nostalgia. there needs to be one episode of this glorious show before it gets canceled that has cameos from all of the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! boxers. and Little Mac. and Doc Louis. not Referee Mario. only Mike can understand what Bald Bull is saying. Soda Popinski and Marquess are drinking buddies. Yung loses her virginity-by-choice to Little Mac. and Pigeon of course steals Little Mac's bike from Doc.

* *naked Yung*
Marquess: here, Yung dear, take my shirt.
Pigeon: *episode title* pardon my gawking, but i am only human. i am the voice of the audience.
Yung: no, you're the voice of the animators.