Degrassi "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Episode Discussion

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Saturday Night Live Jim Carrey / Iggy Azalea Episode Discussion

learned:

* Helvis: thankfully, this wasn't a bad omen of what was to come. i've never liked pecan pie to begin with, but i've never wanted pecan pie less.

* Carrey reunion: y'know what SNL should have done this week? actually return to the glory days of In Living Color, make this week's sketches of a caliber of that show: good writing, deep writing, meaningful sociopolitical skits, stuff Jim could shine in, i'd settle for a new lasting Jim character (the secret billionaire with the name mind games came closest). for one week, Show, don't be SNL, be In Living Color...

* Iggy Azalea: has a nice butt. butt seriously, the second song had a nice butt, i mean beat. now was she lip-synching? no, no, she was Ig-synching, or lip-Igging, that's what it's called in the industry.

* Sia: ever since the airing, i haven't gotten "Chandelier" out of my head, i sing it badly everywhere: in the shower, in the bath, in the oatmeal bath. when she soars into those high notes, it's chilling. oh, and Jim effectively deflated the whole controversy with the child dancer in the video being pregnant with his turn as a pregnant man.

* okay, so maybe i could enjoy a pecan pie after masturbating and going to an Applebee's with the rest of the dullards...or masturbating with the rest of the dullards at Applebee's...or something.

* did you see the promos for this show? they were hilarious. most of the SNL promos end up being funnier than anything that's in the show. they should air the promos during the show, hell, air them instead of the cold open. also, did you see this week's "Kids" horror piece? it was a fantastic fable about the pressures on a young man contemplating starting a family. for fuck sake why is this not on the show? why is the quality stuff not on the actual show? now that's scary.

The Haunting Hour "Return of the Pumpkinheads" Episode Discussion

learned:

* girl: mom, mom, MOM!!! like, oh my god, mom, like, my friends are gone, mom, Kristen is, omg, fuck this place, mom, fuck my life, i don't want to live on this planet anymore, mom, not in this house.
mom: hush up, girl, you're not in the valley anymore, you're in the country.

* girl: Kristen, i hear a scratching sound on my window, you hear that?
Kristen: yes i do, i'm the one making it...

* boy: dad, what are you doing here?
Steve Bacic: i used to be the father to some kid on this show, it was spooky like this one but a different show, same company but different, and well, long story short, i just hope that show's not canceled now that we're on Discovery Family.
boy: i don't want to do anything, dad! i don't want to do anything anymore! this place has transformed me from star football player to goth.

* skeleton boy: don't say i didn't warn you.
boy: scram, kid, ya bother me.
skeleton boy: i wasn't talking to you, wannabe. i was addressing the cute girl.
girl: warn us about what?
boy: the high fructose corn syrup i'm sucking off this lollipop will cause more damage to my head than if my head were turned into a pumpkin.

* mom: remember?
girl: when i used to lick the spoon? yeah, good times i guess, at our old house anyway.
mom: learning to use your tongue will come in handy in your future. you shouldn't put too much stock in the house itself, the location. i've heard that some houses are living entities that trap homesick girls.
girl: the horror-movie chic of this place is going to your head. take off that ridiculous costume, mom, you're embarrassing me in front of Kristen. besides, you sound like a sheep, not a witch.
mom: did you call me a bitch?
girl: no, witch.
mom: did you call me a sheep?
girl: um, yes.
mom: i'll have you know i didn't vote this last election.

* ornery woman: where's my son?
boy: skeleton boy?
ornery woman: yeah, that's my son!
boy: are you his mom...or dad?
ornery woman: how dare you!
boy: sorry, it's dark out here.

* boy: quick, get in the car! they're coming!
girl: i want my parents back! the way they were! i never thought i'd be saying that!
boy: who knew?
girl: haha, that was funny. please Mom and Dad, i promise to wear my seat belt from now on.
boy: we're long past seat belts. we need to get our folks to a hospital.
girl: really? do you really think an ordinary doctor can cure this? we need a witch doctor.
boy: shut up, Meg!
girl: what?
boy: shut up and drive!

Law & Order SVU "Pornstar's Requiem" Episode Discusion

learned:

* sleazy defense lawyer: i've looked over every one of these pornos...
Liv:...i bet you have.

* sleazy defense lawyer: and, madam, that is what I get paid to do.........................i'm sorry for being so smarmy, the douchebaggery of my frat clients has really rubbed off on me.

* Peter Gallagher: Liv, i am here.
Liv: but why?
Peter: i am here to be the guy who comes on screen once or twice a show to present my handsomeness to the world. i'm a jerk, but i'm handsome, so the audience lets it slide. i've almost reached Rob Lowe status.
Liv: you're just trying to protect the university.
Peter: grow up. hey, if you want to create policy, get into politics.
Liv: and be even less effective than campus police?

* Liv: don't hide behind the mayor's skirt.
university president: the mayor wears a skirt? i never pegged that man for a wild one.

* frat dude: what's going on here?
Carisi: oh, your friend over there is gonna get a better deal than you cos he talked to your lawyer first. that's the problem with sharing the same lawyer. with you being the poor one and everything, you're gonna get shafted.
frat dude: thanks for the advice. i thought you were the enemy here, but for some reason, i'm gonna listen to you rather than my lawyer.

* young woman: porn stars are people, too.
woman's dad: did you ever think of us? do you know what it's like to get gas in our town now? with everyone's beady little eyes staring at me at the pump?
woman: they're not staring at you, they're staring at those ridiculously sky-high gas prices!

* young woman: at least here, no means no.
Rollins: i understand, but...
Carisi: Rollins, let her go, it's her decision. this reminds me of that scene with Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream...except there's a "Y.M.C.A." thing going on here.

The Haunting Hour "Mrs. Worthington" Episode Discussion

learned:

* when i first saw scraps of this in the season trailer, i got excited, i couldn't wait to have Lois Lane grace this show with some high-caliber acting and name recognition...

* sister: mom, i need that dress, we are talking about social suicide here.
mom: suicide? it's just an eraser.
brother: not to me. all art supplies matter more than life itself.

* sister destroys the art pencil, pushing it all the way into the pencil sharpener.
brother: NO, NO!!! what did i tell you! art > life! here, put my finger into the sharpener, but NOT THE PENCIL!!!

* sister answers the door.
sister: um, who the fuck are you, old hag?
Mrs. Worthington: well what a fine greeting. you are one swell broad.
sister: sorry, i was transferring my rage at my mother not getting my dress over to you. you're innocent in all this and you seem like a sweet lady. please, ma'am, come on in.
Mrs. Worthington: thank you, i'm a vampire, i needed for you to invite me in. *sigh* i've lost all my motivation to act now...

* brother: Mrs. Worthington, is that you? you're really alive? are you here to carry out my revenge?

Mrs. Worthington: no, kid, i'm here to syrup your pancakes and make the medicine go down. actually i am here for the medicine part.

* brother: i've changed my mind! she really isn't that bad!
Mrs. Worthington: what do you mean? in the opening scene you wanted me to torture her you were so steaming mad at her. what changed?
brother: bad writing.
Mrs. Worthington: stop mouthing off at me! you will do as you're told!
brother: why?
Mrs. Worthington: honey, if i was able to call Superman on his bullshit, i'm certainly not taking any guff from a scrawny kid like you.

* sister opens the cabinet in the attic and sees her brother's sketches of her.
sister: so on top of being annoying, you're a stalker, too?
brother: no, i'm an artist. aren't my sketches good?
sister: well yeah, as stalker shrines go, i've seen worse.

* Mrs. Worthington: kid, you may have crumbled up and cut apart that sketch you drew of me, but i have the final revenge.
brother: how so? you're history, gone, erased.
Mrs. Worthington: i saw how much you enjoyed tearing me up, making me disappear. you've got a bright future ahead of you, son. make no mistake, your sister will be mean to you again...

Law & Order SVU "Holden's Manifesto" Episode Discussion

learned:

* three guesses why they named him Holden...and the first two are too angsty to care...

* Holden: idiots, they don't see me.
audience at home: we see you just fine, we can't miss you, your big head is all over our tv screens talking in that brilliant cadence.
Holden: nobody knows who i am, nobody notices me, beautiful women don't speak my name.
Liv: Holden? is that you? i'd like to talk to you.
Holden takes out his camera.
Liv: whoa, don't film this, this isn't police harassment.
Holden: no, i'm filming this to prove it happened. a beautiful woman spoke my name. all of my antisocial angst has lifted. i'm posting this video on my blog and turning over a new leaf. i really do like being a bike messenger.

* Liv: can i take my child home?
doctor: no you may not! i'm the doctor here!
Liv: i'm the producer here.

* teacher: every boy in my class had a crush on me. i mean, look at me.
Carisi: can you think of any reason why Holden would target you?
teacher: well i did get married...to a flute teacher.
Carisi: bingo. it's not that Holden's angry at you for getting married to not him, it's that it's the flute, y'know? i mean, the flute? you married that? the flute?

* Holden: see?! this is what I mean. I'm sure we have here the pretty cop dating the hunky cop.
Amaro: kid, I can assure you, Rollins and I have no chemistry whatsoever...

* Rollins: i took the time to read your entire manifesto.
Holden: wow, really? thank you, i put a lot of time and effort into that thing.
Rollins: not to be a grammar nazi, but there were a lot of your when it should be you're.
Holden: oh thanks. no it's okay, i'm like that, too. yeah, i kinda typed it out in a rush, so...
Rollins: would you like me, a beautiful woman, to kiss you?
Holden: sure, but pretty girls lie. but, for some reason, this time they don't. pucker up.
Rollins: kid, you better lean in and go for it like right now, like soon, you don't have much time, things are not gonna end well for you...

Saturday Night Live Bill Hader / Hozier Episode Discussion

learned:

* whoa, look at that, Pete Davidson suddenly is in everything. he's like Samuel L. Jackson and Morgan Freeman combined.

* for just 39 cents a day, i could continue writing these learned reviews with a little dignity...

* Hozier: usually, dudes with buns in their hair or ponytails or long hair in general or a straggling bang of hair that the dude constantly has to move away from his eye are annoying, but this Irish dude is awesome and can do anything he wants with his hair.

* Stefon and the Gossipy Coal Miner need to meet at that club called Mining For Gold that has that channel in the hotel that's about the hotel. Dan Cortese is there, he works as the bellhop.

* Puppet Class: finally, atheists have their advocate.

* The Cat in the Hat knows a lot about that,
he stuck his tail into a pussy that wasn't his,
and now his cat tale is one of woe,
but it's better to have tapped and lost than never to have tapped at all.
Fall.

* Jan Hooks tribute: beautiful beautiful beautiful, i would have cried if i had any tears left from earlier. yes, Jan and Phil, love is a dream, life is a dream. y'know, the segment was something out of a taped-for-tv Broadway play special, like what NBC did with The Sound of Music recently, it was ethereal and moving and, and, i just kept thinking: what if SNL ditched the comedy and used its talented repertoire to film these kind of dramatic vignettes, dance numbers, monologues, no laughs, just serious indie experimental theater, a variety show but for hipsters...

The Haunting Hour "My Old House" Episode Discussion

learned:

* mother: we need to move, we don't have the money.
daughter: what if i told you i could get the money? all i ask is you can't ask me what i did to get the money, deal?
mother: deal.

* mother: LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY, HEED THIS VOICE: GET USED TO THIS NEW HOUSE!!!
daughter: WHY?!!
mother: COS I'M NICOLE OLIVER, THE BEST ANIME VOICE ON THE PLANET!!!

* father: i'd feel better if i drove you to school on your first day.
daughter: i can walk, i'll be okay, dad, i know the way, i know how to get in the school, all i ask is you can't call the school to make sure i've made it, deal?
father: deal.

* House: come back...
daughter: House, is that you? i've never heard you speak to me before. sounds legit, i'm coming right over...

* daughter: this is wild. you make a fireplace for me, you blink once for yes and twice for no, you open doors for me like a gentleman, i don't need parents anymore. House, do pigs fly?
House blinks once.
daughter: do Houses communicate?
House blinks twice.

* daughter: i have to go now, House, i've had a revelation. we can still be friends, right?
House blinks twice.
daughter: more than friends?
House blinks once.
daughter: oh, well, maybe when we both get older.

* new-family daughter: mom, dad, get up here to my new room, there's something you have to see! there's a face on the wall!
new-family mom: no, honey, that's just the vent and two lights looking like a mouth and two eyes.
on the wall is a bust of the face of Dr. Gregory House.

Law & Order SVU "Producer's Backend" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Tensley Evans: officer, can i hold your baton?
Amaro hands Tensley his baton.

* Carisi: so, you were *air quotes* helping Tensley, right? yeah right!
counselor: nothing untoward happened. there are cameras everywhere.
Carisi: oh, so there are *air quotes* cameras everywhere, huh? yeah right!
Rollins: thank you, Carisi, i'll take it from here. why are you so belligerent towards him?
Carisi: sorry, flashbacks to when a hippie stole my lunch. also to when i did a report on 1984 that i thought was pretty good, but the teacher thought it lacked any intellectual insight and she flunked me down a grade.

* Liv: hey IAB, take a look at this video of Amaro's arrest of Tensley. it's by the book, you could use this as a training video at the academy.
IAB: no we couldn't, too distracting, there would be so much drooling going on from both the men and the women..

* boy: Dad, i don't want to talk about this in front of you, it's embarrassing! besides, i liked it.
dad: i understand, son, no need to be ashamed. but i think this is a good time for you to give me your twitter password.
boy: why?
dad: because nothing good ever comes from discussing anything on twitter. twitter is existentially bad.

* Amaro: so what did you see at the party?
actor dude: balloons...Tensley's balloons...

* Carisi: remember when that girl died at the party?
actor dude: not cool, brah, i thought you were here for an autograph.

* Roman Polanski: do you know who i am?
Liv: no.
Roman Polanski: that hurts more than all of these sex charges.

* special shout-out to the woman who played the waitress victim up in Canada, great natural performance, a heartfelt crying scene.

Saturday Night Live Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5 Episode Discussion

learned:

* that monologue was Zach G-level.

* Whites skit: paid for by Hillary For President

* Joan Rivers's corrections to her own skit: terrible impression of me by Sarah/ Ben Franklin knew what bi was, he invented it after sleeping with me./ Steve Jobs was right, Heaven isn't what was depicted in this skit or any other human imagining of it on film or tv, it's something which makes you go OH WOW...in my case, it was CAN WE TALK?...about those jesus sandals Jesus is wearing...

* Maroon 5: once again, the second song was better than the first song (which is from a car commercial?), but honestly, Adam should've just kept being Freddie Mercury throughout the entire show, it would have helped him at the after-party.

* this episode was very ebola-centered. check back next week to see if the show is filmed from a hermetically-sealed underground bunker.

The Haunting Hour "Grandpa's Glasses" Episode Discussion

learned:

* great acting from both the kid and the mom on straining to take the glasses off. that's low-tech horror right there.

* kid: i can't take these glasses off! imagine if Grandpa wore contacts...

* mom: Husband, you said you'd do this! don't go back on your promise. i have the plumber standing right beside me if you know what i mean...

* mom: this monster is the embodiment of my anger? yes, but it's not what everyone thinks. truth is, it's more frustration than anger, i haven't orgasmed in a decade, my love life's DOA.

* Grandpa: you're my grandson? i never met you. kid, do one thing for your poor old grandfather before i pass on, hand me that cigarette over there, would ya? i feel like i'm someone who should constantly be smoking a cigarette...

* little girl: i forgive you, daddy.
Grandpa: thank you, child, this hug means everything to me.
little girl: i forgive you for abandoning me my entire life.
Grandpa: uh, yeah, thanks.

The Haunting Hour "I'm Not Martin" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i love this show so much i want to marry it, but this just means more busywork for me, and i hate busywork so much i want to divorce it.

* another season of the cynical drunk high older sibling mentally abusing the poor cute innocent little sibling with his adult stories.

* speaking of, drinking game? every time "I'm Not Martin" is said? nah.

* kid: i think the charts were switched.
worker: let me just check. well how about that, they were! well, i'll switch them back. nonstarter legend, episode over.

* hot nurse: oh doctor, you're so good with your hands.
doctor: i know, i'm good with my feet, too. i'm good at collecting all the body parts.

* kid: what was the point of this episode? i mean, why do you guys collect body parts?
doctor: kid, brilliant board games like Operation don't just make themselves, there needs to be meticulous research put into them to make them as realistic as possible.
kid: i've always hated that game's buzzing sound. now i see where the buzzing sound originally came from.

Law & Order SVU "American Disgrace" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i like Green Day's title better.

* Liv: Carisi, where are Rollins and Fin?
Carisi: the hot blonde and the gangsta rapper? i think they're at a working lunch.
Liv: call them and get them down here.
Carisi: okay, chief, but what's the number again? i only know the number to the pizza place. i'm new.

* Fin: thanks for the pizza pie, Carisi, but i always took you for a pepperoni man.
Carisi: i'm full of surprises. goat cheese, who knew?
Liv: Carisi, why are you at SVU?
Carisi: honestly, the pizza here's better.
Amaro: all New York City pizza sucks.

* old friend at the police station: why are you down here in Atlanta?
Rollins: business. and it's none of your business.
old friend: sorry, i really called you cos the divorce is final.
Rollins: i know, she's with me now.
old friend: wait, what?

* black girl: all i'm sayin' is make the bribes equal, that's all. isn't this what post-racial Obama society is all about?
Barba: somehow i don't think this is what Martin Luther King, Jr. meant.
black girl: that's a nice suit and tie you got on there.
Barba: thank you, i'm white, i mean i'm a lawyer.

* Carisi: whoa, boss, you can read lips?
Liv: of course, i am a superwoman.
Carisi: okay, what am i mouthing now?
Liv: for your sake it better be olive juice.

* Barba: haven't i seen you somewhere before, judge?
(Sandy Duncan flies away.)