The Haunting Hour "Goodwill Toward Men" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Joey King: okay, here we go, this is my chance, this is my episode, my stage to shine, holiday special, it's all set up, the story is a cliche switch but i can make it work.
Joey King after the episode: too bad the pacing was disjointed, the angel of death's general presence was awkward, and the gardener's boy didn't seem as interested in me as you'd think. needs more Twilight.

* gardener: my fucking back!
gardener's son: you okay, pop?
gardener: no, but all i can do is pop some pills. you have to learn that this world is cruel, son. all we have is each other, the rich snobs we work for will never help us, they consider us garbage.
son: but we take out the garbage.
gardener: that's not the point. hey, you have any more of those magic white pills from earlier? they fixed me right up real good.
son: the VANQUISH? yeah i know. here you go.
gardener: good but must have more.
son: sorry, all out, i stole them from the rich family we work for.
gardener: good on ya, son, you're learning...but dammit.

* daughter: i invited the gardener's son to have some cookies.
mother: you invited that tramp of a boy to eat your cookie?
daughter: what's the big deal, i let him through the back door.
father: you let that scamp into your back door?
daughter: i'm gonna date him.
brother: what's next, crazy cuckoo bird, are you gonna date that lower-class from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks bad boy? dammit.

* brother: why is this happening to us?
daughter: cos you have a punchable face.

* daughter: why are you doing this to us? we're not bad people, just rich.
angel: have you heard of affluenza?
daughter: you're speaking to me? cool cool. um, no. is it like the flu?
angel: it's worse. your family isn't bad, they're sick, and i am here to cure them.
daughter: cool cool. so can i look up affluenza on the internet somewhere? for research?
angel: nice try, kid, but your ipad is mine now. i had to put the family filter on it before i could search for my cat videos.

* final scene:
daughter: so it turns out i was in the wrong family.
new brother: you were my love interest before, right? i knew there was a reason i wasn't quite into you despite you being hot.
daughter: makes sense.
new brother: also, i'm gay.
daughter: cool cool. and now my wretched brother and clueless father are the gardeners.
new brother: no offense, but your mom was a bitch.
daughter: no, she was just sick. she still has resting bitch face, though.
gardener brother: hello, former sister, merry Christmas.
daughter: merry Christmas.
the daughter punches her ex-brother, the new gardener's son, in the nose.
gardener brother: what was that for?!
daughter: you may have turned over a new leaf, gardener pun, but you still have a punchable face.

Degrassi "There's Your Trouble" Episode Discussion

learned:

* the title: i've always hated cars. there's something false about cars and car people and the car world. it's unnatural. humans should fly instead.

* Becky: what? you lied to me? you said i sung well when i didn't? who does that?!
Imogen: friends. it's a paradox.
Becky: i'd slam my locker door shut and storm off in a huff pondering this paradox if i could, but with my leg cast and all, it would just look silly.

* Zoe: i'm helping you. do all of you want to end up old hags regretting when you were young and nubile and could flash your tits to the world?
Frankie: haven't you heard of peaking in high school? and if you call me Francesca one more time i'll give you one of those Eli punches to the nose. it'll be worse than Marcia and the football.

* Grace: stop being a bitch.
Zoe: no one wants that more than me. that would have made sense. i should have been permanently mellowed after my horrific experiences and become a mouse, marry Zig, and start wearing padded blouses and pantsuits, but the writers decided for an uncomfortable, forced return to the status quo instead.
Grace: pantsuits? so you wanna be like that destined-to-be, can't-lose, shoo-in first Female President?
Zoe: of Degrassi?

* Clare: i feel barfy and hungry at the same time: bungry.
Eli: that's disgusting but you're still cute to me so i'll laugh nervously.
Clare: okay, harfy. you don't have to be fake with me, Eli, be yourself. what are you truly feeling at this moment?
Eli: i used to be hangry, as in hungry and angry, but i lost my appetite imagining bungry. now i'm just angry. you'll see what i do about this later.

* Becky: my life sucks cos of you.
brother: are you sure it's not cos of that forced smile you wear?
Becky: hey, i had to do something to distract from that horrid yellow i wore all the time. when am i gonna be let out of this oppressive Christian stereotype?
brother: YOU'RE the one who wants to be let out?!
Becky: at least that orange looks good on you. it's the new black.

* Shane Motherfucking Kippel: kids. i'm awesome cos of that line.
Eli: oh hi, Shane! so you were on the show when it was still good.
Shane: bingo.
Eli: where's your wife?
Shane: Emma? she's on another show.
Eli: where's your best friend?
Shane: Jimmy? haven't you heard? y'know, Drake?
Eli: is that some ultra-obscure rap lyric new meme word that i'm supposed to know the definition of?
Shane: no, it's Isaiah from The Bible.
Eli: Drake & Josh?
Shane: nice, keeping it in the Nick family.

* Eli punches Drew.
Clare: what the fuck.
Eli: i realized something. i'm not angry at Drew, i'm angry at you, Clare!
Clare: keep going.
Eli: okay, i'm really angry at myself.
Clare: that's more emo than goth.

* Becky: i'm gonna be okay.
me: this is a ripoff of the ending to Cassie's Skins Pure. props for ripping off quality material, though.

Saturday Night Live Cameron Diaz / Bruno Mars / Mark Ronson Episode Discussion

learned:

* Executive Order: that was the first SNL political skit that got my juices flowing since.....ever. i hate politics. i still do, but that was a real shot at government's shoulder done with an unassailable fist: Schoolhouse Motherfucking Rock! poor Obama, he MUST be doing something wrong when even SNL doesn't care anymore.

* Back-Home Ballers: as a male version of this, i would welcome any of these ladies home with an awkward conversation and a bowl to smoke.

* High School Theatre Show: this made me chuckle nervously cos i really want to be part of an inscrutable indie-theatre company someday. when the audience cringes, i know i have done my job...

* Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson. or rather, the reverse: first of all: energy for days, like Woody Harrelson energy after Woody finds out pot is legal. second of all, Bruno was willing to take a back seat to Mark's ax-grinding and Mystikal's frenetic flourishing. that's rare. i mean, Bruno was truly one of the guys here, a team player, he didn't have a solo showcase, he was the headless headliner, not Chuck E. Cheese but rather one of the Pizza Time Players.

* Dr. Dave and Buggles: my body tells me whether something is funny when it laughs despite itself. that's what happened here. look out for the cute ones, i'm tending to an adorable new baby kitten at my house so i feel the good doctor. that's the signpost up ahead! your next stop: the sign has a penis thrown at it.

* Night Murmurs: let me see if i can help: Pepsi is sweeter than Coke, it's slightly more disgusting to swallow down on a hot day, your stomach is trying to reject all that fizz and sugar and shit but it's a hot day so it eventually has to go with it. you feel slightly more discouraged at yourself when you plop that six-pack of blue cans of Pepsi on the grocery counter than the bright red cheery cans of Coke. your mood matches those blue cans.

* can we talk about the two skits cut for time on last week's show, Tweet and the Pentagon Robot? i really enjoyed Tweet and liked Robot. Tweet was a nice destruction of tweeters' sense of importance, and the lonely scientist who builds a hot female companion is straight out of Twilight Zone. once again SNL decides to leave out its best material. rule of thumb going forward: everything you cut comes back to cut you.

* was i seeing things late at night or did one of the bumpers have Cameron Diaz fucking a Thanksgiving turkey and the two of them smoking about it afterwards? this will replace our family tradition of taking a tryptophan nap after the meal from now on...

The Haunting Hour "Spores" Episode Discussion

learned:

* family: get out of the car!
boy: no!
dad: we are going on this family camping outing if it kills us!
boy: it will. i have a better chance of surviving driving this car alone home even though i've never driven before than you guys have of getting out of this episode human.
brother: go on, it's just like those driving video games you love, you'll be fine.

* creepy guide: follow the rules, they're rules for a reason. lost a couple hikers round here awhile back, but i'm sure they'll turn up, hehehe.
boy: so he's not creepy to you?
sister: no, he's got that Matthew McConaughey thing goin' on, he's hot.
boy: winning that Oscar has really changed everything.

* twin sister: what am i thinking of now?
twin brother: ponies?
twin sister: yes!
twin brother: what am i thinking of now?
twin sister: basketball?
twin brother: no, ponies.
boy: ha! twin ESP my ass. i did the DNA, though, and unfortunately i am related to you two dweebs.
twin sister: now i don't want to be related to either of you.

* mom: this is your trip, our youngest doesn't want to be here, the least you could do is not be rude.
dad: we are going to be a family, a family of spore-spreading tree people if need be. i did the DNA, the youngest one isn't mine.
mom: i want a divorce.
dad: if it wasn't for me, everyone would be off doing their own thing. the youngest would be driving, the girl here would be on a pony, the boy would be ballin'...
brother: it's true, everypony would be doing something different.
mom: what is that i smell? did you fart?
dad: no i didn't fart, there wasn't time for me to eat, we're on a schedule, remember?

* sister: a walking tree? this isn't The Lord of the Rings.
boy: it's better, it's real life!!! this explains everything: why i'm so short, why i've always felt so apart from my family, i'm not human like you, i'm a hobbit.
brother: check your feet, are they hairy?
boy: yes they are!
sister: no they're not, they're just dirty, when was the last time you washed your feet?
boy: you two hog the bathroom all the time so i gave up washing. i was waiting to join a group of twelve men when i got older for that stuff...

* i liked the video game better.

Law & Order SVU "Spousal Privilege" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Liv: Fin, what are you looking at?
Fin: porn.
Liv: is it for a case?
Fin: no, but i wasn't looking for porn, i just clicked the wrong pop-up ad and it sent me here.
Liv: sadly, in this day and age, i believe you.

* Amaro punches the wall of the police station and brings the entire building down.
Liv: what happened, Nick?
Amaro: nothing, just a scratch on my knuckle, i'll be okay.
Liv: i didn't ask what happened to you, i asked what happened?
Amaro: oh, the building came down.

* player's son: i want to be just like you, daddy!
player: boy, stop talking, nobody's talking to you. haven't you heard the saying that children should be seen and not heard?
son: what?
player: haven't you heard that?
son: i have stopped talking forever.

* at the bar:
Rollins: what's the matter, Nick? don't like a pushy woman? (she pushes him) gonna fight? you wouldn't hit a girl, would you?
Amaro: go home, Amanda, you're drunk.
Rollins: not until we have our rough foreplay right here at this barroom.
Amaro puts on chapless pants and dances on the bar countertop.

* Fin: Amanda, there are two simple rules you must follow to last here: one, never take the work home with you.
Rollins: already violated that one, i had some homework i had to do on a case so i did it at home.
Fin: and two: never take anyone from work home with you. can i stay with you at your place for a bit? my apartment's getting remodeled.

* wife: you ruined my life. i hope you're satisfied.
Liv: we saved your life. now you are free and can go out and make friends apart from your husband. can i be your friend?
wife: what?!
Liv: yeah, for some reason i don't have a lot of girl friends.

Degrassi "Can't Stop This Thing We Started"

learned:

* Alli: you haven't told Eli? you haven't told your mom?
Clare: girl, i told Drew but he forgot.

* Grace: face it, Zig, i'm the tough guy in the group.
Zig: this can't be, i'm the man of this clique, i work out instead of doing my homework, look at my muscles.
Grace: i see them, we see them, we can't not see them, for Christmas i'm getting you a long-sleeved ugly sweater.
Zig: how do i get unemasculated?
Grace: there's only one way: homemade tat.
Zig: i'm in, ink that sucker right on my left bulging bicep there.
Grace: well you're dumb like a guy. this is tough.
Zig: yeah i am.
Grace: no, it's tough determining if you're tough. on the one hand it's a pony tat, but it is a tat just the same.

* Winston: oh my god i am so angry.
Zoe: really? this is your angry mode?
Winston: oh i'm angry, i just can't get my voice to really rise in level, but i'm steaming.
Zoe: start a conversation by telling Miles his sweater is ugly.
Winston: no, that won't work, it's meant to be ugly, it's an ironically ugly Christmas sweater.

* Audra: the bitch is back!
Clare: how dare you!
Audra: no, i meant me. i'm back to speaking my mind and not giving a fuck. so you plan to smuggle this baby out of the country?
Clare: um, well, i guess. i can still be with Eli.
Audra: who the fuck is Eli?
Clare's mom: you're not a fan of the show, are you. Eli is everyone's favorite goth.
Audra: when i'm not in the shot, i stay in the Black Hole. fabulous beaches there.
Clare's mom: i know, right?
Audra: i hate those whiny emo kids who have lived two seconds and think they know what depression is. i eat emos for breakfast and wash them down with perfume. i'm a kick-ass broad who shoots first and asks questions never. take no prisoners!
Clare's mom: i am so attracted to you right now.
Audra and Clare's mom kiss. Clare shows her shocked face. Drew stays motionless and does nothing as usual.

* Eli: this is so depressing. you had sex with Drew?
Clare: no, i'm getting my baby from a stork.
Eli: it's the Vlasic Stork, isn't it? i always hated that guy.
Clare: i'm getting my first Vlasic pickle craving...

Saturday Night Live Woody Harrelson / Kendrick Lamar Episode Discussion

learned:

* Congress will never get anything done, this term or the next, NEVER, we're just gonna have a President from one party and a Congress from the other party forever. alcohol isn't a social lubricant anymore, it's a necessity.

* can i please go back to 1989 and the absolute crotch-firing excitement that boiled over in the playground when that Tim Burton Batman film came out? back before social media destroyed what was left of the world. when instead of finding out about such things from a spam email, i spotted the glorious Batman symbol on a bus stop, that's how i found out, no words on the movie poster, no indication of what it was for or when it would open, simply the Batman symbol on a black background, that's it, that's all that was needed. stark. strong. *sigh*. oh, and if Woody Harrelson was high tonight, Jennifer Lawrence was the kite he was flying.

* the Dudleys: thank you, a skit for all the anonymous messageboarders out there. if you take this skit to its logical conclusion, you find that creating art FOR someone else is not art, it's product. art was never meant to be consumed and commandeered by fans, it was meant to be something done alone for oneself that maybe sometimes happens to get out there to others. whether said others like it or not is irrelevant. the one person you should always piss off the most with your art is yourself.

* Match'd: war memorial is the new hot club. cue Stefon.

* Old New York:
Woody: remember when the crack was better?
the other three at the bar: no.
Woody: neither do i. that's how i know it was better.

* Kendrick Lamar: is crazy. the best musicians are crazy. the best music is crazy. the only sane musician who ever lived is Taylor Swift but she doesn't count.

* goodnights:
Woody: um, excuse me J Law, i'm trying to talk here.
J Law: sorry, i was talking.
Woody: you've been in the clouds recently.
J Law: please don't remind me of the Fappening.

The Haunting Hour "Lotsa Luck" Episode Discussion

learned:

* boy: okay, i'm in the first scene, you see me? i must be the main kid of this story. now will i be the stud or the jock? *slips, trips, and falls* there you go, telltale sign, i'm the hapless loser of this tale.

* mom: want some pizza?
boy: is that an Irish delicacy?
mom: don't be rude to your mother.
boy: sorry, i had a bad day. the girl i like thinks i'm a dweeb.
mom: you are a dweeb, you come from a long line of dweebs, that's the leprechaun's curse.
boy: um, mom, i'm sorry i have to ask, but ever since you and your accent came to parent-teacher night, the other kids at school have been teasing me. so...are you?
mom: yes, i'm Merida. it was based on my childhood.

* dad: i'm home. how's my favorite family? *kisses wife*
mom: *kisses husband* we better be your only family.
dad: you're not.
mom: oh. but you would never do us like that intentionally. must be the leprechaun's curse.
dad: um...yeah.

* boy: holy fuck! you aren't the kind of cute leprechauns i read about in fairy tales.
leprechaun: i'm a REAL leprechaun, boy! i'm freaky, creepy, and hairy and scary, i take your soul! stop reading books, they're rotting your brain, watch television to learn the truth o' life.

* boy: okay so the Neverending Story book said something about three wishes.
leprechaun: okay, before we start, i must trot out the tropes and get them out of the way, i want this story to be different for once. so no asking for more wishes, no asking to be lucky, and no asking at the end of it to wish that all of it never happened.
boy: gotcha. i won't ask to be lucky, i already got lucky last night.
leprechaun high-fives the boy.

* Great Gramps to leprechaun: spare my life, i need to live, take my first male descendant instead.
boy: hold up, hold up, hold up, are you kidding me? why was Great Gramps such a bastard? i mean he actually put a curse on me before i was even born, never giving me a chance, dooming me from the start? why was he so special and i'm not?
mom and dad: son, i know this seems cruel, but it simply has to be this way. Great Gramps must never be erased from the timestream, he did something which has benefited the entire world for half a century: Great Gramps invented Lucky Charms cereal.

Law & Order SVU "Chicago Crossover" Episode Discussion

learned:

* that's gotta be the most uninspired title for an episode ever.

* Amaro: are you ready for this? this place is a rough scene.
Rollins: you should see my bedroom.

* hot young female cop: Liv, i need your help.
Liv: wait, who are you? what is this?
hot young female cop: another FREAKIN' crossover.
LIv: oh man i hate these. i don't like the other shows this one crosses over with, it's as if they're baiting the public into watching other shows they don't want to just to complete the story.
hot young female cop: so, about my brother...
Liv: sorry, i don't care about your story, it's not really our story, it's yours. plus, i already have Rollins, don't need another hot young female cop showing me up.

* Voight: you can't reason with scumbags, Olivia, if you want the info you have to kill them.
Liv: first of all: impossible. second of all: my jurisdiction, my rules. third of all: i don't know if this is just this character, but you're not really that great an actor. fourthly and finally: you're just a Stabler replacement but no one can EVER replace Elliot, man! come on! everyone knows that, i still haven't recovered from his off-screened exit...i mean, come on, he should have at least gotten a proper exit...i'm spinning my wheels alone here...the ONLY hope for this show is if my Elliot comes back, the fans are leaving in droves...okay, compromise: on the series finale, Elliot MUST come back, he simply must, i'll take anything, one scene, one small cameo.
Voight: the perp's dead. i killed him.
Liv: what happens in the box stays in the box.
Voight: let's go to Vegas.

* Liv: Carisi, where the hell have you been this entire time? we needed you.
Carisi: that bugger Amaro intentionally gave me wrong directions to the pizza place, i got lost. Amaro said we were gonna have a surprise pizza party for you this afternoon.
Liv (shakes head): no, Carisi, no, no, no, no, no, no pizza party.
Carisi: come on, chief, it's pepperoni, your favorite...
Liv: my favorite is extra cheese.

Degrassi "If You Could Only See" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Frankie: mom, i'm 14 years old, i'm a grown woman, i can do whatever i want.
Frankie's mom: girl, i have a training bra that's older than you...and i want you to wear that very training bra now...

* Zoe: if we have to tits or get the fuck out, let's at least make money.
Frankie: so you're making us whores now?
Zoe: no, just balancing the scales. guys are more studly the more they hook up, girls can only be two things: a goodie-two-shoes who bakes cupcakes or a slut.
Frankie: hey, i'm a feminist and everything, but how bout we just bake cupcakes and sell them instead.
Zoe: remember, girls, no faces, no identifying backdrops...
pink-haired girl: ...but everywhere on the Degrassi campus is a landmark, this is a popular show!

* Becky: so you're the guy the internet sent me? no offense, but you are terrible.
Becky's date: yeah, sorry about my dull personality. that's the internet for you. there really is no such thing as a 100% perfect match, that was a computer glitch. i have absolutely no flaws whatsoever.
Becky: then why go online to find a date?
Becky's date: i was getting tired of ending my evenings naked on a swivel chair with a filled sock.

* Maya's mom: what's wrong, honey?
Maya: i had a nightmare about Miles. he was threatening to jump one storey the way Cam did before his suicide.
mom: who's Cam? the entire city has forgotten he ever lived and has quickly moved on. anyway, have you talked to Miles about it?
Maya: yeah, but he clams up.
mom: maybe he's scared to talk.
Maya: Miles, why are you scared to talk to me?
Miles: cos you're annoying. let me make this perfectly clear: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! and by Britney i mean me.
Maya: understood. so do you want to go out to dinner with me?
Miles: what is wrong with you? are you dumb?
Maya: no, just hungry.

* Frankie: this is so unfair, Mom! Miles gets away with murder!
Frankie's mom: he hasn't murdered anyone lately. besides, he confessed to the priest so all is forgiven. speaking of, i'm considering sending you to a nunnery.
Frankie: very funny, mom.
mom: no, seriously, the nuns whipped me into shape. i'm still a nun now.
Hunter: what? but how? you had us!
mom: you're adopted, but don't tell your father, he's in the middle of a big campaign.
Frankie: Hunter, you look at boobs on your phone?
Hunter: yes, i'm a guy and a nerd.
Frankie: have you seen my boobs?
Hunter: probably, but i didn't know they were yours. now if i had looked at your boobs knowing that they were yours, that would have been something to write an episode about...

The Haunting Hour "Argh V" Episode Discussion

learned:

* best title to date.

* parents: homework? that's not what life's about, life's about having fun.
girl: why did i have to get stuck with cool parents?
father: trigonometry doesn't matter, the only triangles i use are slices of pizza and cake.
mother: school is a waste of time, why stay in one cramped room for eight hours? you need to breathe, stretch, and relax in the open wild. nature is the best classroom. be like that kid from that movie who shunned civilization and lived in the wilderness until he died from eating bad berries.

* father: our daughter worries too much, i don't know where she gets that from.
mother: i know, it's certainly not from me.
father: it's not from me. wait, the girl is mine, right?
mother: well i was a '60s wild child.
father: i'm calling Maury.

* male friend: so your parents are hippies?
girl: pretty much.
friend: that's cool. i wish my parents were lenient free spirits. my dad's a drunk and my mom went crazy. hey, you want to make out in that ice-cream truck?
girl: that's the RV my parents got. i don't think it's a good idea.
friend: why, your parents are against interracial couples?
girl: no, it's just i have a lot on my plate right now, what with the trig test and the fact that i may be crazy.
friend: i see. um, you're cute and everything but i can't be with someone who reminds me of mom, y'know?

* male friend: take a look at this brochure. apparently the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family took this exact RV on a family vacation never to return. it was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime.
girl: instead it turned into the trip of a deathtime.
a strange family approaches the RV.
mother: hello, who the hell are you?
family: funny you mention hell. we're the Antidisestablishmentarianism Family.
girl: can't be, you're dead.
family: dead tired and cold and hungry. can we come in?
mother: that's a common last name, right?

* girl: guys, i think this RV was haunted all along, i think it was sending signals into my brain, warning of my impending death, showing me the moment of the previous family's death, not to mention the fact that it drove itself. i tried to tell you.
father: honey, there's a vivid imagination and then there's a diseased mind.
mother: we want you to be free, but not that free.
girl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! i can't believe you missed having that collision.
parents: we didn't, honey, we're all dead.
girl: oh well, at least i don't have to worry about that trig test anymore. did you guys see the white light?
parents: no, honey, we didn't see the white light, only you did. we're going to a different place.
girl: damn, you guys REALLY partied in the '60s, huh?

Law & Order SVU "Glasgowman's Wrath" Episode Discussion

learned:

* last week i saw my Giants win 3 in 5. they also miss the playoffs. they're an unconventional dynasty like me. i'm unconventional. i'm not a dynasty. Big Country MadBum is a living legend at age 25. can you imagine what that's like? i'm a legend in my own mind...

* Glasgowman: Scottish Slender Man

* Liv: where's Perry?
Carisi: chief, i'm still new, i know this isn't my place, i know humor can diffuse a tense situation, i know it's your kid's favorite show, but please, no more Phineas and Ferb, can we get back to the case?

* Amaro: so what did this entity look like? like a monster? a witch?
Rollins: excuse me?
Amaro: witch, i said witch!
Rollins: you're lucky that bitch Olivia wasn't here to hear.

* crazy guy: i'm not crazy. the girl smelled like strawberries. i saved her. i didn't harm her. i'm lucid enough to know that those girls set me up. i've never seen those girls before in my life. the CIA is transmitting signals to my brain with the radio waves in your cellphone. i like technology, i have an ipad mini myself. all i have to do is keep taking my meds but i don't wanna. treat me like a man, i show more heart and humanity than you cynical cops ever will.

* Amaro punches the geek in the nose.
geek: what the fuck was that for? i didn't have anything to do with this!
Amaro: you fucked me on that internet online auction, that was the last Dark Wizard card, there is only one in existence, it's super-rare and you got it before me!
geek: sorry, brah, was it going to be for your daughter?
Amaro: no, FOR ME, you stupid geek!

* little sister: she wouldn't intentionally harm me, right? we're sisters, we love each other.
Liv: you are so cute, but i'm afraid your sister is under the spell of a dark force.
little sister: Satanism? schizophrenia?
Liv: more powerful: Slender Man offered her a discount on ponies.

* crazy guy: you are the only one who gets me, Carisi, you're my little brother.
Carisi: for life, buddy, i want to see you well. no more woods, woods are for hippies.
crazy guy: will you do anything for me?
Carisi: anything.
crazy guy: come into this cell with me and let's cuddle, i'm lonely.
Carisi: well...

Carisi: ...okay, i guess, i mean, well, sure, so here i come, i'm coming in...
crazy guy: don't tase me, bro.
Carisi: i'm not teasing you...

Degrassi "Wise Up" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Zoe pats Zig's butt.
Zoe: nice bum, chum.
Zig: oh, so we're just chums?
Zoe: not the reaction i was going for. why are there nudes blowin' up your instagram?
Zig: stupid niners. stupid hot niners.
Zoe: nudity is nudity, except when it's Zoe Rivas nudity. want me to send you a pic of me?
Zig: no, after all you've been through, let's just be chums.
Zoe: so i'm not hot anymore? i'd like to move on with my life, move past the trauma and have fun again. i want to be desired.
Zig: okay, chums with benefits.
Zig's punk friend: i've got the perfect way to win Zoe's heart: stroll the halls of Degrassi with I LIKE YOU on your chest, it's sure not to fail. plus, the ratings will go up. Principal Simpson will love it!
Zig: why not I LOVE YOU?
Zig's punk friend: that would be desperate.
the other punk girl: you're rejecting Zig after he did that hot chest thing for you? are you crazy?
Zoe: i'm not the one with the pink hair. btw, who the hell are you?
the other punk girl: i'm sure we'll learn soon enough, i should be getting my own -centric episode soon.
Zoe: how do you know you'll get one?
the other punk girl: pink hair, dead giveaway.

* Clare: i'm letting you off the hook.
Drew: good, that spaghetti would have been expensive.
Clare: when we graduate, we disappear from each other.
Drew: so i don't have to pay child support?
Clare: yes, but i'm going to college and you're going to the mall to sell sunglasses. is it even worth the paperwork?
Drew: just let me at those papers, i'm a pro at signing papers.
Becky: it's a pain in the ass.
Drew: sorry, but you said you wanted to try anal.
Becky: no, my cheerleading injury. i have a bonafide injury, that proves that cheerleading is a fucking sport.
Drew: so, anal tonight?
Becky: fuck no, we're through, Drew. hey, that rhymed, i think i'm gonna become a lesbian goth poet. i'm done with boys.
Drew: Imogen will be happy about that and will never tell you that thing about Adam...
Dallas: how's your abandoned son gonna feel about his deadbeat dad on Father's Day?
Drew: tricky. on the one hand, i'm not there to guide him. on the other hand, i'm not there to guide him...

* Miles's dad pushes Miles against the wall painting.
Miles's dad: i'm sorry, son, i didn't mean to attack you. i'm mad cos i wanted to go miniature golfing instead but they were full. it's my favorite sport.
Miles: that's the classic abuser's line.
dad: i know and i'm sorry. it's just the stress of this campaign.
Miles: by the way, how fucking long has this campaign been going on? no, seriously, like ever since my character was introduced, you've seemed to be on this interminable campaign. it feels like it's been three years. when the fuck do the people vote already? today were the mid-term elections in real life, so why not mirror that with the show. Degrassi: it's real.
dad: to make it up to you, how about i buy your love with a car?
Miles: i see right through you, you're just doing this to keep me on a leash so i don't cause any more trouble for you.
dad: is it working?
Miles: of course. i'm a teen and this is a car.
Tristan: okay, now that i see that new car of yours, i can be your boyfriend again. yes, i only love you for your money.
Miles: i'll take it, i'm in a vulnerable place. also, i'm using you, too.
Maya: Miles, what is all this? are you really gay? bi? or just trying to get back at your father?
Miles: it's none of your business, but if you must know, Tristan is teaching me miniature golf on the side. i will best my father someday.

Saturday Night Live Chris Rock / Prince Episode Discussion

learned:

* i didn't feel that extra hour of sleep, i felt as busy as ever. i need a new life. i need to self-actualize soon...

* Chris Rock monologue: the eternal questions: what is funny and what is offensive? can humor be anything other than subjective? can it be collective and objective? if you're thinking it, what does it matter that you say it? are thoughts good, bad, or indifferent? clearly the egg came first.

* ISIS skit: i'm just saying there's something particularly offensive about using computer skills to murder. the computer is meant to help people, bring the global community together tenuously with social media, make it easier to look up things and learn. it's for blogs, dammit, blogs, so everyone, even the bum on the street, can have a voice and type away his opinions. okay, so the bum is having a hard time self-actualizing and maybe can't afford a computer, but please, bum, please, ISIS is not the answer.

* vlog skit: computers are dumb. fap stands for forward after parentals (leave).

* Prince: his music can only be catergorized as Prince. there's no label or neat box for it to fit in, unless you say it's guitar-driven soul. seeing his extended set i had one thought: i want to join his gang, i want to shave the sides of my head letting the bangs grow out and join that fun gang up there.

* helpful robbers: THIS IS A STICKUP! A CRAYON-STICK UP! art is a privilege, not a right. you want to know the real crime occurring here?: that tree you're drawing looks like a turtle.

* the couple: Show, i REALLY love these. very A Raisin in the Sun. whenever i see these drama vignettes i get reminded again that SNL is located by the Broadway theatre. i get to pretend that i'm a cultured urbane man-about-town patronizing my favorite indie theatre house while i sip pumpkin-spiced-latte and guffaw with my fellow intellectuals through my sweater and mittens. and i don't have to pay for the ticket. free tv, gotta love it.

* okay, let's talk about the promos cos why not: very interesting one with Bobby Moynihan and Chris Rock walking the streets among the non-famous people all with their cellphones recording, very atmospheric and different. difference is all these days.

* goodnights: for the record, Prince was NOT acting the diva being a no-show. he was in the bathroom flushing out his third eye. his sunglasses gave away his secret. he needs to rinse that third eye continuously with purple lake water or it gets dry. it's easier to do this back home at Lake Minnetonka where the rains are purple...

The Haunting Hour "Near Mint Condition" Episode Discussion

learned:

* friend: what's with your brother and the zombie stare?
younger brother: he's waiting for a toy.
friend: oh i see. kidult?
younger brother: yep, adult swim-watcher. promise me we won't end up like him?
friend: promise. now let's get back to these video games...

* geek: you said you'd be here on time!
mailman: traffic. i'm a mailman, not a fucking pizza boy. do you know how the world works, kid?
geek: don't call me kid, i have my learner's and then some, i'm a responsible adult, i used my car money to buy this.
mailman: well then, it must be important. let's open it up and see what's inside.
the geek opens the box. in the box is a pepperoni pizza.

* younger brother: wait, this is the first time in media history that a geek is getting respect and deference. it can't just be cos you're older, can it? take off your glasses.
the older brother geek takes off his glasses.
younger brother: now i see, you're handsome underneath.

* the geek throws bread at his younger brother.
younger brother: seriously? you're not the sharpest knife in the kitchen.
geek: that gives me an idea...

* woman: you hoarders make me sick. that's what killed him. yeah, the animal killed him, but his obsession with toys killed his soul. toys, toys, toys, what's up with grown men and toys? brony, right?
geek: i wouldn't know, i collect bears, not ponies.
woman: ...the type of losers who spend their Saturday afternoons watching kid shows and blogging about them afterwards...

* geek: bro, distract the killer bear while i slo-mo cut off his head with my Highlander sword.
the geek and the bear rage toward each other.
bear: *growl*
geek: *growl* THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and *slice*.
younger brother: gotta admit, that was pretty cool.
geek: the only perk of being a geek: knowledge when a bear comes to life and mangles the neighborhood. i am never going to have sex.
younger brother: i was so scared.
geek: you know what's even scarier? this episode has no ending...