Saturday Night Live Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

learned:

* funny flubs, and historic: I've never seen a mess-up at the very beginning of the cold open, at the first line. Obama was unsure if he should say his line or wait until after the applause. also, I've never seen a skit where the entire meaning of the skit rests on the last line, and that last line is flubbed. when Louis does this in the clothed-sex skit, it's hilarious because Louis is charming.

* monologue: Show, please go back to this format, especially when you have stand-ups as hosts. don't squeeze them into lame skits or musical numbers, just let them do their thing, let them be who they are and tell their jokes their way. it was like paying for a ticket to see Louis's raunchy show at a club but not.

* Sam Smith: who knew? the only Stan Smith I knew was a tennis legend. I'm glad I stuck around, Sam is a soulful torch singer with a powerful voice.

* clothed-sex scene: speaking of, the whole cut-a-hole-in-your-clothes method of intercourse was how I imagined it was done, how my parents and everyone else did it. seriously. this was before my discovery of porn...

* I love the guy who did the student-council president vote-for-me video. he is head and shoulders above the rest of the newbie cast members when it comes to originality and vibrant creativity, his filmed skits rise way above the normal SNL set sets and broad Broadway comedy. his creation here is that dude you knew in high school who was street smart but had ADD so he wasn't book smart. he was indie before it was cool. he's like Trent Reznor or Kurt Cobain if they ran for president, except Trent would embrace rap, not shun it. and, let's face it, Kurt would never run for president.

Spooksville "Critical Care" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Adam's mom isn't sleepwalking, she's auditioning for the next Paranormal Activity.

* +1 for the alive tonsils, I thought I'd seen everything...

* "Watch, don't put your hand on my mouth, I don't know what you've been doing with it."

* the creepy or otherwise strange male nurse is quickly becoming a tv trope, huh?

* if you don't know why you took a popsicle with you inside the tanning bed, and the writers don't, how am I supposed to know?

* so basically a sweet tooth created a tonsil body.

Degrassi "Close To Me" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Maya: there's no more milk.
Zig: milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. stick my finger in your hole...
Maya: do NOT stick your finger in my ass.
Zig: ...and out comes a Tootsie Roll.

* that dress doesn't mean you're open for business, it means you're a gas-station food mart that's open 24/7...

* "how do lesbians slow-dance? is it the same way as Christians?"

* did you see when Zig crossed his arms in mockery of the teacher? that was badass.

* um, why is Connor talking like Data from Star Trek:TNG? ample bosom? just say huge tits, it's edgy.

* Maya: why are you all up in my personal space around my lips, boy?
Zig: I want to kiss you, but rules are rules.
Maya: there's nothing in the school carter about tongue.
Zig: but we're at home.
Maya: I know. that was a joke.
Zig: I'm gonna try to butterfly-kiss you without touching your face...

Spooksville "Phone Fear" Episode Discussion

learned:

* I never knew Kirby Morrow the anime-voice guy was a meathead.

* I dunno, fog just isn't scary.

* not all mentally-ill are deranged killers, just the ones in campfire stories.

* I don't care, I still say the coolest phones were the ones with those long coiled cords.

* Sally: do you know how to run a train?
Adam: sorry, I thought you were saying to do something to you...

* Sally, it's just a friendly hug, you still have a chance with Adam. now once he starts tonguing her in public, that's when it's over.

Law & Order SVU "Criminal Stories" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Alec Baldwin is an ass...in this role...

* when are Warner and Ice-T gonna kiss already?

* here's how you become a stellar undercover reporter: date everyone in the city, so you have a potential source everywhere.

* i'm never gonna look at the Eiffel Tower the same way again. no, seriously.

* newspapers are dead, and so am i.

Degrassi "What It's Like" Episode Discussion

learned:

* "no exceptions. the dog ate your homework, space aliens, bad television, no exceptions. wait, weren't you Cam's last girlfriend? never mind."

* Frodo fascism? is that like there is only one precious ring, and only one can have the Precious?

* ---what's a macchiato?
---oh, it's this thing, y'know...
---shut up! I'm Christian, not dumb. whatever, the new girl's a bitch.
---nah, she's supercool and hip and smart.
---everything I'm not?
---I didn't say that. look, when two bonafide lesbian characters meet in a tv teen drama, they will hook up, it's a fait accompli.
---not if I become a lesbian first!
---isn't this just about your rapist brother?
---yup. I had two choices as a reaction, either come out as gay or atheist.

* "those group homes aren't like Oliver! at all, they're worse: they're like Annie."

* this Connor and Jenna relationship really is an experiment, the writers' experiment. fan poll after fan poll show that nobody in the audience gets this pairing...

* "I'm not really squatting, I'm practicing...breaking into houses...in case nothing else works out for me."

* ---Mom said it was okay to live with us.
---so, I'm going from one form of squatting to another.
---remember, no hanky-panky.
---does that include anal?

Spooksville "Flowers of Evil" Episode Discussion

learned:

* does the teacher drink the soda to liven him up to make a better plant podcast, or is the plant podcast so deathly boring that the teacher drinks soda to forget?

* animal shelters are gangs if you think about it...

* Sally, pick your battles, or pick the one that will help you best with this week's theme.

* normally, Adam's dad offering Sally herb would make him the cool dad, but..

* this episode is basically 2014 Reefer Madness.

* Sally's ability to hold her breath will make her very popular someday.

* no matter what, girls will always end up bonding, because boys will always be stupid...

Law & Order SVU "Gambler's Fallacy" Episode Discussion

learned:

* you know why i really liked this episode? it reminded me of old-skool Law & Order, the original series, the mothership. hell, this could have been a season 1 episode of the mothership. it was just a good ol' cracking tale full of good guys and bad guys, and we the audience were sorting them all out along the way. what a ride!

* Donal Logue does an Irish accent! wait...Donal...Logue...oh, yeah, nevermind.

* ---as you can see, no wire-tapping device in her bra.
---i told you, now can i have my blouse back? stop staring at my tits!
---oh, sorry.

* i'm a pretty savvy tv-watcher by now, i've seen it all ten times over, and yet i just love how the principles were introduced here, the twisty way you think at first that Donal's character is the boss and the Ivy League black woman is his stooge, not the other way around. and then the dude who runs the art gallery is the head head guy, and then that happens, and you look back at certain scenes differently after the big reveals at the end. all the tweests. M. Night would be proud.

* "no blowjob, just undercover information. hold up, you were game for anal?.........sorry, i spaced there for a moment....*sigh*, no, nothing like that, just UC info..."

* "may the road rise to meet you, instead of you constantly being on the ground unnoticed and paved over..."

* ---i would have transferred you today.
---that's reasonable.
---man, that is such a power trip! wow.
---feels good, huh? better than sex. one day i hope to achieve your rank so i can experience that.
---yeah, i mean, the power is intoxicating. heehee. well, anyway, you're dismissed.
---haha, yeah, bye.

Degrassi "Unbelievable" Episode Discussion

learned:

* it's frustrating, because this could have been something if the acting was a notch or two better. it doesn't have to be Skins-quality, but it needs to be just a little better.

* why is this story on a serious topic being mixed with a mystery caper with wacky music in the background?

* forget the police! we are teens! we do it on our own! the spirit of the skateboarder lives in every young person.

* if it weren't for those time codes, Winston and Miles would be becoming even better friends in a cell together somewhere...

* Miles singing...and it says in the script that his singing is good...so the rest of the actors have to play along...

* tell that punk chick that there is only one Lisbeth Salander.

* "okay, so I accused the wrong people. at least I'm accusing someone!"

* "et tu, Brute? yeah, so why are we best friends again?"

* Miles did not protect Zoe, Zoe got raped, but I guess one coffee is enough to let things slide.

* so Becky's brother did not delete the incriminating evidence against him on his phone. either he's dumb, reckless, arrogant, really thinks jocks can get away with anything, or he just forgot.

* Christians can't be rapists, can they?

* okay, so I guess there are bigger things than the playoffs...

* after all of this trauma, a disillusioned Becky turns to atheism...

Saturday Night Live Lena Dunham / The National Episode Discussion

learned:

* Lena Dunham, you are the It Girl presently, maybe you can help me: where exactly do I go to get my lost hour of sleep back?

* Lena Dunham naked is hot...i think...

* The National: cool band, i liked them, layers of guitars create soothing beats whilst lead singer's beard is hiding rage bubbling out from just under the surface. and that guitar-handling trick was some circus stuff...

* Nasim nailed the quirky teenager awkwardly sexually blossoming...nailed the character that is. Taran did a good job with Harrison Ford's gruff and McConaughey's spiritual gibberish. as for a Pimp Named Slickback, we need Drake to come back to face off with Jay, and may the best Katt smoke weed all day, boo boo.

* i give Cecily and Mike continued credit for exploring their relationship out in the public through their sketches. when Cecily talks about Mike not being the kind of buff, muscle-bound man she usually prefers, it's such an insight. where does the fictional writing stop and the IRL begin?

* i have a male activism in my pants over SNL tackling the serious, real-world issue of male activism...

Spooksville "Shell Shock" Episode Discussion

learned:

* so happy this is back.

* OMG. it's the babe from Tower Prep! I'm even happier now.

* Sally's parents are rather nondescript compared to the firecracker that is Sally. they're very stock-character. I want Sally's mom to be a housewife by day/amateur sleuth by night, and I want Sally's dad to be locked away in a mental institution. that would make more sense.

* cheesy lines or not, I don't blame the guy for hitting on Sally. we are talking about Katie Douglas here...

* Adam, would you rather have a mom that spaces out, says things to you in a sinister tone, and can't cook, or no mom at all?

* Spongebob references abound in this episode.

* so basically the head yacht-club dude is conducting ethnic cleansing of the town using a crab monster. it's the Spooksville Holocaust in broad daylight.

* what's chum? you'll learn when you're older...

* anal apron.

Law and Order SVU "Gridiron Soldier" Episode Discussion

learned:

* when Rollins was talking in the support-group circle, did you see that one person, that one group member in the plaid coat, who was a woman dressed up as a man with a scruffy beard?

* replace the word "recruitment" with "orgy".

* college football in NYC? that's hilarious.

* wait, they were watching hockey? no, nobody watches hockey, that was your first tip-off...

* ---Rollins, i want you to do something for me.
---*Rollins gives the look*
---no, not that.
---okay, dude, that's good, just straight sex for now. blowjobs come after i can trust you more.
---oh, i was just talking about going to a meeting. damn it, i coulda had a blowjob if i had kept my mouth shut and gone with the flow.

* they're creating gay supersoldiers who can break glass with their bare fists! this is the Republicans' worst nightmare.

* football teams are worse than gangs. at least with gangs you get killed on the spot with bullets. with football and concussions, you slowly descend into dementia.

Degrassi "Basket Case" Episode Discussion

learned:

* so I saw the "Longview" video from Green Day, didn't know what to make of these three ragtag punks, thought they would be some strange one-hit wonder and forgotten about the next month. then the video for "Basket Case" came out...

* you're innocent when you dream. Freddy Krueger hates that.

* Drew is the babysitter...let's all take a breath and ponder that.

* yeah, Miles, I mean, a successful hang ends with getting laid, so if you had just had Maya over alone...see? there was no need for a big, cliche, invite-all party shindig bash...unless you really wanted to confirm the rumors about Zoe's hot-pink bra and panties...

* knowing what happens to Zoe next week, that poolhouse is 0-for-2, it's ruining this poor girl's life, it's haunted and should be torn down.

* "thanks, Clare, for all your time helping me with these posters. for some reason I never checked to see if the posters were legit or not, I must have spaced out thinking about your breasts or something."

* "there's gotta be a way to make Leo pay, to really make him feel it. I'm gonna stuff ten croissants down his throat. I'm gonna get Putin on his ass and invade France. this means war. it's fucking Canada vs. France up in this bitch."

* ---"Miles, I'll go call a cleaning service."
---"no, Dad, it's my responsibility."
---"so, we cool now, son?"
---"yeah, pops, we cool. I mean the whole cheating thing is kinda uncool, y'know, but..."
---"yeah, but, son, you know, y'know?"
---"yeah, I know."
---"we cool?"
---"yeah, we cool." *smiles*

Saturday Night Live Jim Parsons / Beck Episode Discussion

learned:

* I have Olympics withdrawal. instead of this, can we have one more week of those quirky Games? please?

* cold open: which will ruin the Oscars? a) Putin b) California flooding. taking all bets. hurry, you have only one more day to vote. your choice on your ballot will be sealed in a secret envelope and read only on the day of...

* opening monologue: I thought all actors want to permanently escape into their signature roles because their real lives are boring. disappear in plain sight.

* Beck: second song was pretty, but I still prefer the grungey '90s version of Beck. he was rawer, more real, more experimental, more lyrical back then. he was just better back then, says me wearing a certain pair of glasses. it continues to have me imagine what Kurt Cobain's sound would be like in 2014. fascinating.

* Weekend Update: Colin Jost: okay, well, sure, I suppose, but why can't Cecily just anchor this alone again?

* it's all fun and games until someone's ass gets tickled.