notes:
* last time: a girl died for nothing.
* now SEE? this is an episode of Doctor Who which could never be made if the Doctor were not a woman. which, see what i did there?
* Companions: so what's it this time? did the TARDIS malfunction again and send us to the wrong time?
The Doctor: you haven't been on long enough to know that!
Graham: i told you, i'm a big fan. i'm what in the '80s was known as a stalker, the internet hadn't been invented yet, people like me traveled crosscountry on rickety concrete highways to cons for autographs. actually i had a thing for River Song till you came along.
Doctor: that's why we're here, cos my wife River would have loved this place. River, river, get it? i can't wait for the episode where i meet her in this form.
* Ryan: and what's with that strange noise the TARDIS emits? it's like a car battery from hell! my ears are being torn to shreds, now i have two disabilities cos of you!
Yas: i'm wearing earplugs so i can't hear anyone, even the director on set. i just wing it when i act, i'm Method.
Doctor: i actually cleared that out and up, just rubbed the engines with some Lemon Pledge. flushed out all of Peter Capaldi's earhair that was clogging the drain. i can say that joke cos i'm a woman.
* Doctor: little towheaded German boy, why do you bob for apples this time of year?
boy: *rubbing his palms together* where we live, it's ALWAYS Halloween, heehee.
Doctor: that boy's gon be a good soldier for a bad cause some day.
Graham: yeah sure that's a "Northern" accent.
* Doctor: what's with the seesaw?
Becka Savage: idle playthings...
* Gran: Earth, Wind, and Satanic Fire...
Willa Twiston: shoulda quit while you were ahead, grannie! two out of three ain't bad.
Yas: are all the episodes this season about a gran of some kind? i feel Chibnall has a special connection with his grandmother...
Graham: me? a gram of cocaine.
Ryan: why you lookin at me, old man? not cool.
Willa: don't i have a cool last name? just wiki'd it, named after a town which doesn't exist anymore. i'm fatter here than in real life, where i'm a typical British slim model with ghost eyes. it's the bellbottom clothes.
Yas: Tilly Steele. sounds like a porn name.
Willa: i'm a steelmill-worker's daughter…
* Ryan: this is all too dark for me...……...not like that...…..will we EVER see beyond skin color?!
* Becka Savage: i am Becka Savage. i am a bit of a savage. but then again i'm just a product of my age.
Willa: which is old.
Doctor: Millennial clapback, i'm learning on the job. here. here's the paper. see? i'm Witchfinder General.
Graham: it's like the Surgeon General but we deal in the fires which cause the smoke.
Becka: we are all humane here, we use water.
* Becka: got this month's rent?
Doctor: wha?
Becka: OH YOUR MAJESTY!!! WHAT A TREAT! BOW, INGRATES!!! I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WHEN YOU CAME IN. AND MY TRAIN OF DRESS!!! we don't get royalty all the way here at the edge of town. in fact there is no central government here for miles of acres.
Alan Cumming: now THAT's drama. watch and learn, actors. it's all in the entrance. that's what you uneducated washless masses voted for, right? Brexit is impossible, even now when there was a Central Church. never fear, i have just made this episode and Britain great again, it was teetering (seesaw, get it?) on the boring. who are you lot? what's with the strange clothes? normally you four would stand out so badly we'd have you shot or imprisoned, but i guess we're all drunk off the post-Trial clown juice.
* Cumming: oh baby. how can you take this grave matter of following the Bible and murder seriously anymore? my last name is Cumming. wanna shot? want me to play doctor? i'll give you a lollipop after, anally.
Ryan: bro you talkin to me?
Cumming nods.
Ryan: oh great. well at least i'm not shafted and treated like dirt as the token black in this one.
Cumming: on the contrary, you will be elevated. this is not how you think it's gonna go down. see you're a specialty here, a rare meat. you're a Nubian prince in a sea of pale white.
Ryan: hey i got a letter i want you to see. involving my kingdom's riches and an internet barter.
Cumming: AND he's funny! you're my perfect bedmate. and mate. yes, i know how flush Wakanda is becoming at this time period. you're like Eddie Murphy in that movie! let me be your Mel B.!!!
Graham: wow. there's royalty but then there's what Eddie Murphy was in Coming to America.
Cumming: America? it will never last, it's impossible...
* Doctor: huh. my paper went wrong, that's never happened to me before.
Cumming: you're a woman this time, you got confused.
Doctor: thank you, Captain Obvious.
Cumming: i was a captain in the Royal Navy, yes. we have one ship but still.
Doctor: *in Nikki Haley voice* i am NOT confused!
Graham: oi yeah it's more of a level branch of government.
Cumming: branch of government? why?
* Yas: holy shit! it's a fucking zombie! i love being away from my parents and able to swear like this.
Willa: a zombie? but the good news is my grandma is still alive!
Yas: well, technically...
Willa: i always wanted to be a healer with potions in glass bottles like the Smurfs! i'm a bitchin' brewin' broad! i'm gonna be a writer, too. Cather...wheat...
Yas: catheter? that should be your next glass bottle. lot of old crusty men in this town.
* Yas: Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor: give me the news.
Yas: there was this tendril that came from this mud monster eating mudpies!
Doctor: Yas what did i tell you about getting rid of all that hentai in your room closet before we journeyed together? it's only slowing down your development (as a character).
Graham: i read anime, it's my demographic.
Ryan: you watch anime, read manga.
Graham: you're not a monkey, i love you, you're my son, son. have some mango, i fetched it from that bottomless bog. while i was bottomless.
* Yas: i stood up to bullying…
Willa: there's a name for just generally being a young person?
Yas: yes, it's a term, a term of art, a form of currency used to get you money and fame and riches later on when you start writing music. her name was Izzy Flint.
Doctor: oh yeah, sorry, I was Izzy Flint.
Yas: Doctor! you dunked me in the girl's toilet!
Doctor: yeah i was practicing being a girl before i took this form.
* Cumming: i've racked up 100 kills so far, how many you got?
Ryan: you git. wish i could get back to my system and video-game chair at my flat. why do you have such a hard time trusting people?
Cumming: there's no Village Tony Robbins.
Ryan: but there's a village idiot. foolish to trust a man in the sky.
Cumming: are you talking about our mutual absentee fathers whom we will bond over and groom over palace tea?
Ryan: why are you both James I and VI?
Cumming: i lobbied to be both James VI and IX. but the public wasn't having it. the people have spoken, the bastards.
* Graham: oh great, i get to wear those pointy black hats that were just squared enough to avoid being a witch's hat that was only worn two times in English history: for Thanksgiving and for The Plague.
* Doctor: you beat me for Coronation Street, too, huh?
Becka: let me see your vibrator.
Doctor: a woman knows...
Doctor: yeah it's this whole Reanimator-after-the-Renaissance thing. good sci-fi, not anything here you've seen. it's alien, not satanic in origin, one of these is ridiculous, one is not.
Becka: you don't believe in Satan?
Doctor: met Him once, a beautiful huge CGI puppet.
Becka: so i was cutting down the wrong tree at Pendle Hill...
Doctor: I KNEW IT! Castle on the Hill! i KNEW before this series was up i'd catch that rat-bastard ginger! wait, you're like George Washington innit? he was descended from you guys. we have you to blame for America.
* Doctor: what are you hiding, Becka?
Becka: cut your tongue!
Doctor: i have my tongue pierced actually, along with my ear cuff. did it at a dirty dungeon in San Francisco. you'll see that later when i fuck for the first time in this female body...
Doctor: does any of this sound familiar? the key? in your basement? monsters? zombies? more like Titans?...
* Doctor: this is all about your mother.
Cumming: who are you, Freud?
Doctor: wait, what? you won't get to your mother by killing me.
Cumming: what is the meaning of life? i want my art to be as virtuous as possible.
Doctor: look within the human heart.
Cumming: no fair, you have two hearts! no wonder you know twice as much!
Doctor: no, like the universe is actually God's Heart. and i am Genderless God.
* Becka: i hereby sentence you to death!
Doctor: oh rubbish! it's not that you think my space-travel magic is the devil's work, you just hate that i'm cuter than you! it's a tale as old as time! wait, is it dunking or ducking?
Becka: ducking.
Doctor: O that is so adorable! *goofy grin*
Companions: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOCCTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRR!
Doctor: it's alright, kids, the chains weren't fastened tightly. you thought i was fatter than i was, you cow. ha! that was fun, i needed to take a skinnydip. you thought chains could hold me? you obviously weren't there when Houdini performed on me the first female cunnilingus. in front of the gasping crowd, right there on stage! now THAT boy was into chains! if you looked up kinky in the dictionary at the time, his picture would show up.
* Becka: i could not bear touching wood!
Doctor: that's your problem.
Becka: *in normal speaking voice of Regan MacNeil* so i'm the Grand Witch of the Morax.
Doctor: the wha?
Becka: Morax. it's like the President. of Hell.
Graham: are you sure that's how it's spelled? we had a few problems with the last aliens in a previous review.
Doctor: you know, Linda Blair really wanted to outgrow that role as soon as possible. she did it all for the nookie. she just wanted to be with Rick James.
* Doctor: damn, bitch, you threw poor Willa here under the bus!
Becka: sorry, i wasn't myself at the time. we need that wood, it's a prison.
Doctor: let me take you aside to this bush here and tell you a little something about men.
* James: i saved the day!
Doctor: no, I did!
James: let's call it a tie. but can you be my full-time psychiatrist? there is no psychiatry yet.
* Yas: do we at least get some mudpies out of all this?
Doctor: NO! custards! you will eat the custards and you will like the custards!
* Cumming: wanna come with me?
Ryan: i get it, mate. come, cumming. but no.
Willa: i want to come with you.
Doctor: four Companions? it just might work!
Ryan: sorry, Willa, i would have left if he had been a babe. even a babe with a beard. i would have run off with the bearded lady and joined the circus.
Willa, The Doctor, and Yas: thanks a lot.
Graham: i'm tryna unshackle my chains and get myself out of this circus of you three nutcases errday.
Ryan: a babe like Izzy Flint.
Yas: that Christmas episode is getting further and further away...
Graham: i talked to an undead spirit this episode, too. my wife and your Nan, who was hot for the record.
Ryan: ew.
* Doctor: Chibnall, can i get out of these soaking-wet clothes now?
Chibnall: the ratings tell me you have to keep them on, we're not attracting enough boys.
Doctor: you know this is really not the way i thought things were gonna go.
* Cumming: you're drunk, go home.
Doctor: i'm not drunk, you're drunk.
Cumming: of course i'm always drunk, i'm gay. what's your excuse, pops pensioner?
Graham: i had a drinking game set up before the episode. i took a swig whenever the word "Satan" was used.
* Doctor: remember, the best technology looks like magic.
Graham: who said that?
Doctor: Houdini when he was making his O face. except Alexa, who is magic.
Graham: i keep thinking your Alexa is the voice of the TARDIS.
Cumming: where will you go now, young lady? where will you work?
Willa: this town.
Cumming: this town doesn't exist anymore, remember? i decreed it.
Willa: fuck you, you man.
Cumming: get the dunkers! just kidding. come on, i made this episode, it would have been dull as mud without me. this is the first time a Witch Trial has been played for laughs, like if the whole thing was a joke...
Doctor: or a comedy of errors. big errors.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Monday, November 26, 2018
Monday, November 19, 2018
Doctor Who "Kerblam!"
notes:
* not to be confused with that other show...
* last time: for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo
* last time: ghost trains. but not in the Halloween sense.
* technological unemployment: it's a real thing...but wouldn't that make life easier? i mean everyone could just concentrate on their art.
* The Doctor: the problem with all these one-and-dones is you gotta burn the first fifteen creating the world and the back-end 45 with the actual story. can't make it 2 hours cos then it becomes a tv-movie and NOONE watches tv-movies anymore.
* Jeff Bezos: see? this is what happens. we had to relocate to the moon. you New Yawkers complained too much and you're in a major media market so i had to listen. West Virginians wouldn't have complained if we built on top of their mine.
* first episode title with an exclamation point? maybe? two question marks.
* Trump: i don't watch this show but it's very bad timing with the mail bombs and everything...
* thanks Show, you took away the only joy i had left in this life: bubblewrap.
* Graham: Doc, you got a package.
Doctor: no i don't, i got a vagina.
* Doctor: omg! when i was a little girl i wanted to marry the Kerblam Man!
Graham: when were you a little girl?
* Ryan pops the bubblewrap, which forms the basis for the backbeat of his new wrap rap song, grime of course.
* Ryan: can i skip this adventure? i mean it's just me going back to work.
Yas: yeah let's not have a Space Cops episode please.
Graham: i'm a pensioner. who DIDN'T spill his beans on toast on his leg.
* Judy Maddox: it's not me, though i have suspicious happiness. i'm just a happy-go-lucky worker in charge of the organics. i eat a lot of organic food, can't you tell by my figure?
Doctor: somehow you beat me out for that part on Coronation Street. you pitch?
Maddox: no i definitely catch.
* Judy: what's your name?
Doctor: don't worry about it, it's hard to spell, it has a hyphen. we were gonna use this magic paper here to get into the President's private quarters but that was when we all thought it'd be Hillary. it'd be a First Woman/First Woman type of momentous meeting. a cat celebration. now none of that matters so i guess we'll work here. we are FORCING you to make us work here!
* Doctor: Help Me? oh no sorry, that was from a page out of my diary. false alarm, folks, back in the TARDIS.
* Judy: put on your leg cuffs, i'm sure YOU are used to these.
Ryan: why you looking at me? not cool, lady.
* Graham: oh no this is why i studied hard at Hartnell and got my junior degree and made sure i qualified to drive a bus, to make sure i'd never have to mop up shit again. my days as a CIA cleaner are over.
Ryan: i got to Hartnell. well i did until you showed up there.
Doctor: use the mophead hairs for a disguise. before this episode is over, we are sure to use disguises of some sort.
* Jarva Slade: i am Jarva Slade...
Ryan: from Teen Titans Go!?
Jarva: no, The Flintstones.
Doctor: that's a very Star Wars name, Jarva. fetch me my java, Jarva.
Jarva: hey, show some respect. it's not me, though i have anger issues.
* Jarva: i want to hear a pin drop...
Claudia Jessie: dude, that was, like, five years ago, i've forgotten all about it.
Jarva: i want House of Anubis to return so bad! reckon a Doctor Who/HOA crossover? that would work brilliant!
* Dan Cooper: i'm the poster boy...
Yas: for toxic masculinity?
Dan: no, i'm just on a poster. don't go down there, people never return going down there. take my ex-wife...
Yas: please, i don't want to hear any more of this...
* Dan: i'm a single dad...
Yas: MRA?
Dan: sometimes i scroll for single mums online...but it's not what you think...i want a new mother for my daughter.
Yas: it's tough being away from family. you've inspired me, i'm gonna quit the Companion team.
Dan: and join TeamMates?
* Yas: look at my smile grinning ear to ear, i fancy you.
Dan: really? but it would never work, i'm not long for this world.
Yas: yeah. the writers could never make it seem believable. plus, my family would never go for interracial.
Dan: here, take this silver thing aound my neck, it's not a tooth. in remembrance of me and my daughter who will be an orphan soon.
Yas: my friend, this is what they call in the business a silver red flag.
* Kira: i have an impossible sunny view of life. my parents left me an orphan on a robot's doorstep. but the thing of it is, i just REALLY love unboxing videos on youtube. eh, who needs a PhD anyway?
Doctor: too right, they're a waste of time.
Kira: Doctor of Philosophy?
Doctor: sure.
* Judy: i look like that host of the Weakest Link.
Chibnall: or Judge Judy for American audiences, we're trying to branch out here, we're bleeding viewers with each show...
Judy: we decided as a nation to allow for 10% of the workforce to always be human.
Doctor: why?
Judy: cos there'd be constant crying if we didn't.
Jarva: and we each read The Fountainhead at an upstate New York summer house for orientation.
* Doctor: oi, these robots are creepy, yeah?
Graham: yeah, they're like Human Daleks. why didn't you just do Daleks? it would've been funny seeing Daleks wearing glasses working at a bookstore.
Chibnall: budget, man, budget.
Doctor: hey how'd you know about the Daleks?
Graham: i've been watching you since you were a little girl.
Doctor: that's more creepy than the robots. oi, Graham, stop looking at me naked under the airport screener.
Judy: two hearts?
Doctor: those are my two red juicy tits.
* Doctor: aw, that's so cute, puppy love.
Yas: and we're on picnic green grass so the two dogs can do their business.
* Graham: oi, mate, i'm gonna need the layout of this place, i'm casing the joint.
Charlie Duffy: my duff is small but my brain's not, i think long about things. hey, i thought I was casing the joint, you my accomplice or sumpin? Anonymous on the online chat forum, right?
* Doctor: did you like my speech?
Ryan: a little dramatic for my tastes. i like comedies.
Doctor: i'm trying to be comedic, look at my fez.
Matt Smith enters from the elevator.
Doctor: no, Matt, remember? when you were it everyone hated you. they thought you were boring and a bad actor. and had a weird plastic face that looked like a mask. you can't come groveling back now that you have all the men on your side.
Yas: who's the dreamboat with the ordinary name?
Matt Smith: just give me back my fez, bitch.
Doctor: remember Agatha Christie?
Matt: yeah, i fucked her wearing only that fez...on my junk. she got the Orient Express idea from me, that was a new positon i was trying out on her. mind you she was 80 at the time. it lasted such a short time she pleaded with me to roleplay and do her in different costumes, one for every body on the train...
* Ryan: okay, we're doing this, but my hand coordination, you're gonna need to push me down the chute.
Charlie: not gay. and you're too fat to push, mate.
Yas: do you think the audience is buying that we're not really action stars and this is all CGI?
Chibnall: definitely.
* Charlie falls off the speeding conveyor belt.
Judy: told ya.
the story ends, the villain is killed.
* Doctor: *holding his hand* no guns.
Jarva: you pulled out yours first.
Doctor: that's my vibrator. my hands are up.
* robots: come with us, little girl, you've won Employee of the Lunch Break. are you claustrophobic?
Kira: no.
robots: then this is no problem. this is your first unboxing! cameras are always secretly taping you for the company youtube channel...
Kira: i'm so excited! send this video to my mum and dad back on Earth, i was a rebellious teenager...
* Kira explodes.
child watching: what happened to the girl, mummy?
single mum: she disappeared like your father.
* Charlie: it was me.
Doctor: well that was a quick confession.
Chibnall: *taps his watchface* yeah see, we only got, like, five minutes left...
Graham: why, kid? i taught you how to kiss on that apple and everything.
Doctor: hey are YOU Ed Sheeran?
Charlie: i wish, he's the only ginger who's allowed to live cos he's given proof of his worth to the government. soon machines will take over and it won't be like the Bush song and all of us will lose our souls...
Doctor: i hate to break this to you, Charlie, but...join me in the corner here, let's have a tea...
* Doctor: you had a plan. but you weren't counting on falling in love.
Charlie: it's true, we watched Big Trouble in Little China together. that's where i came up for the idea of the green smoke. i actually had a better plan than this but i fell in love and that scrambled my brain and i couldn't think clearly after that. girls ruin everything.
Doctor: it's not the automation, it's how humans use the automation, didn't you read Gandhi?
Charlie: dude, i'm, like, in the 5th grade.
Doctor: CHARLIE GET OUT OF THERE!!! OUT OF THE GROUND FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!!?
Charlie: i dropped my gum. shit, see i was gonna have a jetpack here to fly off but i forgot to build it...
* Doctor: Charlie wrote in his suicide note that the robots crying finally made him not do it. but it was too late by then. and this magic paper with the Help Me writing on it is from his diary. hey, next time, make a switch in the back of the robots' necks or something to turn them off. it's a bit unsettling to have to rip their heads off.
Judy: gotcha. so this was a really intense episode for a kid's show, you got three deaths of the main characters.
Doctor: yeah but no one really dies.
Jarva: those three did.
* Doctor: can we keep this little cute bot? i want to scare folk from Roswell, everyone in the TARDIS! next stop!
Ryan: and then let's use the bot to make Transformers Cyberverse great again.
Graham: The Jetsons anyone?...…………………………….nah didn't think so.
* Yas: why is there a giant silver filing cabinet in the middle of the TARDIS?
Doctor: i want to be a secretary...
Yas: Doctor, can we mail this silver trinket to that hot dad's child? it's so sad i'm never gonna have a proper romance.
Ryan: what am i, chopped liver? don't answer that, it will probably be ethnic or racist. or involving Kanye. and we'll have to pay a fine from the BBC.
Chibnall: she's not. the standalone-episode format will never allow for a side-romance. surcharges are fun to pay.
Doctor: wipe your tears, girl, we'll pack that sucker in some bubble wrap and Amazon it to her!
the Amazon drone gets caught in the engines and destroys the TARDIS midstream in the wormhole.
Graham: fuck robots.
Doctor: oi. hey. some of my best friends are robots.
Graham: that metal mangy mutt? why do you insist on painting little dog legs on its chassis as it wheels around?
Doctor: just helping K9 feel more comfortable. K9 poos square poo you know.
* not to be confused with that other show...
* last time: for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo
* last time: ghost trains. but not in the Halloween sense.
* technological unemployment: it's a real thing...but wouldn't that make life easier? i mean everyone could just concentrate on their art.
* The Doctor: the problem with all these one-and-dones is you gotta burn the first fifteen creating the world and the back-end 45 with the actual story. can't make it 2 hours cos then it becomes a tv-movie and NOONE watches tv-movies anymore.
* Jeff Bezos: see? this is what happens. we had to relocate to the moon. you New Yawkers complained too much and you're in a major media market so i had to listen. West Virginians wouldn't have complained if we built on top of their mine.
* first episode title with an exclamation point? maybe? two question marks.
* Trump: i don't watch this show but it's very bad timing with the mail bombs and everything...
* thanks Show, you took away the only joy i had left in this life: bubblewrap.
* Graham: Doc, you got a package.
Doctor: no i don't, i got a vagina.
* Doctor: omg! when i was a little girl i wanted to marry the Kerblam Man!
Graham: when were you a little girl?
* Ryan pops the bubblewrap, which forms the basis for the backbeat of his new wrap rap song, grime of course.
* Ryan: can i skip this adventure? i mean it's just me going back to work.
Yas: yeah let's not have a Space Cops episode please.
Graham: i'm a pensioner. who DIDN'T spill his beans on toast on his leg.
* Judy Maddox: it's not me, though i have suspicious happiness. i'm just a happy-go-lucky worker in charge of the organics. i eat a lot of organic food, can't you tell by my figure?
Doctor: somehow you beat me out for that part on Coronation Street. you pitch?
Maddox: no i definitely catch.
* Judy: what's your name?
Doctor: don't worry about it, it's hard to spell, it has a hyphen. we were gonna use this magic paper here to get into the President's private quarters but that was when we all thought it'd be Hillary. it'd be a First Woman/First Woman type of momentous meeting. a cat celebration. now none of that matters so i guess we'll work here. we are FORCING you to make us work here!
* Doctor: Help Me? oh no sorry, that was from a page out of my diary. false alarm, folks, back in the TARDIS.
* Judy: put on your leg cuffs, i'm sure YOU are used to these.
Ryan: why you looking at me? not cool, lady.
* Graham: oh no this is why i studied hard at Hartnell and got my junior degree and made sure i qualified to drive a bus, to make sure i'd never have to mop up shit again. my days as a CIA cleaner are over.
Ryan: i got to Hartnell. well i did until you showed up there.
Doctor: use the mophead hairs for a disguise. before this episode is over, we are sure to use disguises of some sort.
* Jarva Slade: i am Jarva Slade...
Ryan: from Teen Titans Go!?
Jarva: no, The Flintstones.
Doctor: that's a very Star Wars name, Jarva. fetch me my java, Jarva.
Jarva: hey, show some respect. it's not me, though i have anger issues.
* Jarva: i want to hear a pin drop...
Claudia Jessie: dude, that was, like, five years ago, i've forgotten all about it.
Jarva: i want House of Anubis to return so bad! reckon a Doctor Who/HOA crossover? that would work brilliant!
* Dan Cooper: i'm the poster boy...
Yas: for toxic masculinity?
Dan: no, i'm just on a poster. don't go down there, people never return going down there. take my ex-wife...
Yas: please, i don't want to hear any more of this...
* Dan: i'm a single dad...
Yas: MRA?
Dan: sometimes i scroll for single mums online...but it's not what you think...i want a new mother for my daughter.
Yas: it's tough being away from family. you've inspired me, i'm gonna quit the Companion team.
Dan: and join TeamMates?
* Yas: look at my smile grinning ear to ear, i fancy you.
Dan: really? but it would never work, i'm not long for this world.
Yas: yeah. the writers could never make it seem believable. plus, my family would never go for interracial.
Dan: here, take this silver thing aound my neck, it's not a tooth. in remembrance of me and my daughter who will be an orphan soon.
Yas: my friend, this is what they call in the business a silver red flag.
* Kira: i have an impossible sunny view of life. my parents left me an orphan on a robot's doorstep. but the thing of it is, i just REALLY love unboxing videos on youtube. eh, who needs a PhD anyway?
Doctor: too right, they're a waste of time.
Kira: Doctor of Philosophy?
Doctor: sure.
* Judy: i look like that host of the Weakest Link.
Chibnall: or Judge Judy for American audiences, we're trying to branch out here, we're bleeding viewers with each show...
Judy: we decided as a nation to allow for 10% of the workforce to always be human.
Doctor: why?
Judy: cos there'd be constant crying if we didn't.
Jarva: and we each read The Fountainhead at an upstate New York summer house for orientation.
* Doctor: oi, these robots are creepy, yeah?
Graham: yeah, they're like Human Daleks. why didn't you just do Daleks? it would've been funny seeing Daleks wearing glasses working at a bookstore.
Chibnall: budget, man, budget.
Doctor: hey how'd you know about the Daleks?
Graham: i've been watching you since you were a little girl.
Doctor: that's more creepy than the robots. oi, Graham, stop looking at me naked under the airport screener.
Judy: two hearts?
Doctor: those are my two red juicy tits.
* Doctor: aw, that's so cute, puppy love.
Yas: and we're on picnic green grass so the two dogs can do their business.
* Graham: oi, mate, i'm gonna need the layout of this place, i'm casing the joint.
Charlie Duffy: my duff is small but my brain's not, i think long about things. hey, i thought I was casing the joint, you my accomplice or sumpin? Anonymous on the online chat forum, right?
* Doctor: did you like my speech?
Ryan: a little dramatic for my tastes. i like comedies.
Doctor: i'm trying to be comedic, look at my fez.
Matt Smith enters from the elevator.
Doctor: no, Matt, remember? when you were it everyone hated you. they thought you were boring and a bad actor. and had a weird plastic face that looked like a mask. you can't come groveling back now that you have all the men on your side.
Yas: who's the dreamboat with the ordinary name?
Matt Smith: just give me back my fez, bitch.
Doctor: remember Agatha Christie?
Matt: yeah, i fucked her wearing only that fez...on my junk. she got the Orient Express idea from me, that was a new positon i was trying out on her. mind you she was 80 at the time. it lasted such a short time she pleaded with me to roleplay and do her in different costumes, one for every body on the train...
* Ryan: okay, we're doing this, but my hand coordination, you're gonna need to push me down the chute.
Charlie: not gay. and you're too fat to push, mate.
Yas: do you think the audience is buying that we're not really action stars and this is all CGI?
Chibnall: definitely.
* Charlie falls off the speeding conveyor belt.
Judy: told ya.
the story ends, the villain is killed.
* Doctor: *holding his hand* no guns.
Jarva: you pulled out yours first.
Doctor: that's my vibrator. my hands are up.
* robots: come with us, little girl, you've won Employee of the Lunch Break. are you claustrophobic?
Kira: no.
robots: then this is no problem. this is your first unboxing! cameras are always secretly taping you for the company youtube channel...
Kira: i'm so excited! send this video to my mum and dad back on Earth, i was a rebellious teenager...
* Kira explodes.
child watching: what happened to the girl, mummy?
single mum: she disappeared like your father.
* Charlie: it was me.
Doctor: well that was a quick confession.
Chibnall: *taps his watchface* yeah see, we only got, like, five minutes left...
Graham: why, kid? i taught you how to kiss on that apple and everything.
Doctor: hey are YOU Ed Sheeran?
Charlie: i wish, he's the only ginger who's allowed to live cos he's given proof of his worth to the government. soon machines will take over and it won't be like the Bush song and all of us will lose our souls...
Doctor: i hate to break this to you, Charlie, but...join me in the corner here, let's have a tea...
* Doctor: you had a plan. but you weren't counting on falling in love.
Charlie: it's true, we watched Big Trouble in Little China together. that's where i came up for the idea of the green smoke. i actually had a better plan than this but i fell in love and that scrambled my brain and i couldn't think clearly after that. girls ruin everything.
Doctor: it's not the automation, it's how humans use the automation, didn't you read Gandhi?
Charlie: dude, i'm, like, in the 5th grade.
Doctor: CHARLIE GET OUT OF THERE!!! OUT OF THE GROUND FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!!?
Charlie: i dropped my gum. shit, see i was gonna have a jetpack here to fly off but i forgot to build it...
* Doctor: Charlie wrote in his suicide note that the robots crying finally made him not do it. but it was too late by then. and this magic paper with the Help Me writing on it is from his diary. hey, next time, make a switch in the back of the robots' necks or something to turn them off. it's a bit unsettling to have to rip their heads off.
Judy: gotcha. so this was a really intense episode for a kid's show, you got three deaths of the main characters.
Doctor: yeah but no one really dies.
Jarva: those three did.
* Doctor: can we keep this little cute bot? i want to scare folk from Roswell, everyone in the TARDIS! next stop!
Ryan: and then let's use the bot to make Transformers Cyberverse great again.
Graham: The Jetsons anyone?...…………………………….nah didn't think so.
* Yas: why is there a giant silver filing cabinet in the middle of the TARDIS?
Doctor: i want to be a secretary...
Yas: Doctor, can we mail this silver trinket to that hot dad's child? it's so sad i'm never gonna have a proper romance.
Ryan: what am i, chopped liver? don't answer that, it will probably be ethnic or racist. or involving Kanye. and we'll have to pay a fine from the BBC.
Chibnall: she's not. the standalone-episode format will never allow for a side-romance. surcharges are fun to pay.
Doctor: wipe your tears, girl, we'll pack that sucker in some bubble wrap and Amazon it to her!
the Amazon drone gets caught in the engines and destroys the TARDIS midstream in the wormhole.
Graham: fuck robots.
Doctor: oi. hey. some of my best friends are robots.
Graham: that metal mangy mutt? why do you insist on painting little dog legs on its chassis as it wheels around?
Doctor: just helping K9 feel more comfortable. K9 poos square poo you know.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Doctor Who "Demons of the Punjab"
notes:
* Ryan: my mom died...
Yas: I'M your mommy now.
* The Doctor: yeah about last episode just want to say i'm not so much into custards anymore, i'm into candy floss. i like saying candy floss better than cotton candy, it's more British-kooky, you know?
Graham: British cookie? they don't make those. you should watch out with the candy floss on your teeth, Doc, makes your smile even more bucktoothed and goofier.
Doctor: you can only say that cos we're platonic pals.
* Doctor: oh yeah, womb. why is the b silent?
Graham: cos all bs are silent.
Doctor: did you get that thing i sent ya?
Graham: the TIME'S UP sticker? i'm a little wary of stickers nowadays. thought it was Time Magazine.
* Amita Suman: show, good job casting unknown up-and-comer Indian babes for your roles!
me: i know we're all farmers this time but let's stop talkin' bout soy, yeah? for the longest i thought the title was "Ghosts of the Punjab". i must be seeing things.
* Nan: i was the first marriage in Pakistan.
Yas's sister: okay, grandma, i liked your story, what do you want from me?
Nan: you liked my Instagram story?
Yas: i'm never getting married. unless i become the first marriage in Pakistan...
* Yas: tell me the story of your love, i want to feel inspired in this dead world.
Nan: here is the letter. word of warning: this letter was the first erotic fanfic ever done. it is filled to the RIM with nasty illegal stuff of all sort in them scribblings. and x-rated doodles in the margins of the pages.
Yas's mom: i...
Yas: no, mom, not this time.
* Yas: can you please help me fix the watch which is a symbol of my broken soul?
Doctor: i dunno, i don't have one of those impossible tiny screwdrivers.
Yas: no i mean the TARDIS.
Doctor: the TARDIS should only be taken out for emergencies.
Yas: what about your sonic then?
Doctor: currently in use...
Yas: what's that rumbling belowdeck?
* Doctor: alright, gang, everyone in the bus...……..sorry, reflex.
* Holy Man: don't mind me, i'm just an old man walking alone in the heat on a cold lonely dusty road.
Prem: get in, old man.
Holy Man: oh you young people and your cars and your Instagram, you've forgotten how to walk, you've forgotten what it means to earn a decent wage. you're all highway robbers now.
Prem: thanks, old buddy, hey look out behind your back, they're like some demons or ghosts following you.
* Graham: Doc, you okay?
Doctor: fucking migraines. you get migraines?
Graham: do i get migraines she says look at the size of my head of course i do.
* Yas: you're not marrying my grandfather? i am offended!
Doctor: sorry bout that, girl is into butterflies and changing wings and other loopy stuff. hey you got any VANQUISH in that barn?
* Doctor: why do we always land RIGHT as history's about to go apeshit!?
Graham: i'm British. from the Commonwealth.
Ryan: that makes you a monkey around here. now you know how it feels.
Graham: i look like everyone's uncle.
* Doctor: i sense something, my Spidey Sense is sad...it's like there are forces coming this way, unseen forces, undefined forces, but scary forces which will in the shadows crack your bubble and force you to live lives in terror you were never planning, your entire way of life is dust. it's all telly tricks, of course, the BBC is good at creating fear and making you flee with just sound over wheatfields...
* Doctor: so you lot have heard of speed-dating, yeah?
* Holy Man: don't worry, i'm not really dead. none of us are really dead. yes, my skin is purple but i'm a magic man you see...
Graham: Prince? Hendrix? we must search for the body. your body...……………….oh wow i had a Law & Order flashback there. i only do shows that are affiliated in London with NBC.
* Doctor: holy (man) shit! hey aliens, give me your cool transporter!
aliens: those Star Trek transporters are nuts! scattering your atoms? how could you ever be sure your atoms would reassemble the right way again?
Doctor: tell me about it, you could even turn into a woman the next time.
Ryan: ooooohhh, shiny...….!!!
Doctor: DON'T TOUCH, RYAN!, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!
* Doctor: we seem to have entered a cave with giant forks...………….let's eat! tuck in! those weren't trees in those woods, they were giant broccoli!
Ryan: the VANQUISH hits you harder if you don't eat. not that i'm a drugs-cheat youth or something.
Prem: no, nope, i'm too old for this shit, you talkin bout alien playmates, i've been to real war! i live in the real world!
* Doctor: i must say, i love you aliens' style, you've got those '90s square-pad targets you stick on trees for Nerf ball and that Laser Tag you did in malls in the '80s. like you, i also have a retro style. you guys are cool.
* Vajarians: we're not what you think. we just like to watch. we like to look at blue holograms.
Doctor: EVERY species in the universe does.
Vajarians: we were rejected for Star Trek: TNG so we came here. do you know how lonely it is to be an out-of-work actor?
Doctor: forever alone has such a negative connotation now, it's not cute anymore it's mixed with violence.
* Doctor: let me see what Manish did.
Vajarians: can't. it's, like, torture porn, banned in the seven star systems.
* Yas: this is wild, pops.
Graham: oh, you talkin' to me? this is our first conversation, aye?
Yas: yes, our first conversation. ever.
Graham: you know, if i had continued with Nan, you would have been my daughter…
Yas: and conversation over.
Graham: no, MY Nan, not yours. you have the prettiest smile i've ever seen on a girl, you have all your teeth...
* Yas: she lied to me!
Graham: all women have secrets, they must to survive in this dead world. feminine mystique and all that, it's part of their allure.
Yas: yeah, i cosplayed as Mystique once. still have blue paint in my yas.
Graham: *whispering* don't tell anyone this, but The Doctor used to be a man!!!
* Doctor: what's all this then? mind when women gather in circles, that's where the real power lies!!!
women: you callin' us liars? and witches?
Doctor: huh. so this is hentai, huh?
Yas: uh, henna. think of it as a Banksy needlepoint job if your hand was a pillow.
Doctor: okay, i'm ready for the icky cookie......everyone sing!
The Doctor sings "Thank You For Being a Friend" alone.
Ryan: i thought you liked biscuits, not cookies.
Doctor: no i like KFC biscuits, not biscuits meaning British cookies.
Ryan: not cool, man.
* Prem: what happened to you, Manish? you weren't so mannish before. you were boyish, you wore those Harry Potter glasses and were so cute!
Manish: i took off my glaases and opened my eyes, brother! i listened to angry white men on the radio, bro! i even called in once. have you heard of Gandhi Jones, bro.
Graham: you know what they say: unlucky in cards, lucky in love.
Ryan: but what about Pokémon cards?
Graham: that's just unlucky in everything.
* both men crying.
Graham: you look like a schoolboy on maneuvers.
Prem: you own that turn of phrase. i googled it and couldn't find it anywhere.
* Prem: the watch broke!
Umbreen: it's okay, that's the point. our moment in time. time does not exist, there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
Prem: that is so deep and non-millennial. have you been meditating again? perhaps this interracial thing will work out after all.
Umbreen: isn't Umbreen a cool name? like a beluga whale or something.
Prem: you're not fat. see? already i'm a good husband.
Umbreen: plus, the watch is a Swatch, it's rubber. Roger Federer hasn't won yet and done any Longines commercials.
* Doctor: we are so cute! we each got a golden poppy in our ears. a-choo!
Umbreen's mom: what was that? good luck?
Doctor: that was my first sneeze! as a woman.
Umbreen's mom: how's your nose doing, Doctor? Doctor Who knows.
Doctor: strangest thing, my nose didn't sneeze, my ear cuff did!
* Manish: i didn't toil the fields to feed YOU, i did it to feed ME!!! and i'm still skinny! that's why i joined the dark side!
Prem: all this righteous indignation and rage is not healthy, brother. you will never win this way. this is crazy what they're doing to us.
Manish: i know. i mean this partitioning of the country will never work, it's like Brexit. i'm angry cos of the food thing.
* Yas: ah yea, the ropes. and the mud pit. my early days on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...
Umbreen: you will do well on that show, you inherited my big butt.
* Prem: i'm going out there, i got some demons of my own…………..yeah i said it, i said that line and i said that line seriously.
* Yas: i want to watch.
Doctor: no, cover your eyes, shield yourself from the world, girls should never see violence.
Yas: Doctor, i NEED to see this!
Doctor: it's just fireworks, hun, we're at a fair. do what i say, i'm your mother!
* Vajarians: like our freaky disembodied floating heads?
Doctor: i thought you were passive Predators.
Vajarians: we're named after the Vajazzle.
* Doctor: from the topview, the TARDIS looks like a giant icky cookie...
* Yas: why did you decide to settle in Sheffield?
Nan: completely random, i literally threw a redtipped dart at a map and it landed on this dump.
Yas: but what if the dart landed in the ocean?
Nan: on the map or the ocean in real life?
* both women crying.
Yas: you sacrificed so much for love! you went through so much pain for love! you lost your first love and had to settle for Grandpa!
Nan: that's why i tell you, bheti, be careful where you stick your fingers. when you swipe left, you may be fucking up your soul mate!
* Yas: i love you, Nan.
Nan: i love you, too, girl.
Ryan: way to rub it in, we're breaking up.
* okay, i admit, the music at the end credits teared me up...just something about Time, you know?...
* Ryan: my mom died...
Yas: I'M your mommy now.
* The Doctor: yeah about last episode just want to say i'm not so much into custards anymore, i'm into candy floss. i like saying candy floss better than cotton candy, it's more British-kooky, you know?
Graham: British cookie? they don't make those. you should watch out with the candy floss on your teeth, Doc, makes your smile even more bucktoothed and goofier.
Doctor: you can only say that cos we're platonic pals.
* Doctor: oh yeah, womb. why is the b silent?
Graham: cos all bs are silent.
Doctor: did you get that thing i sent ya?
Graham: the TIME'S UP sticker? i'm a little wary of stickers nowadays. thought it was Time Magazine.
* Amita Suman: show, good job casting unknown up-and-comer Indian babes for your roles!
me: i know we're all farmers this time but let's stop talkin' bout soy, yeah? for the longest i thought the title was "Ghosts of the Punjab". i must be seeing things.
* Nan: i was the first marriage in Pakistan.
Yas's sister: okay, grandma, i liked your story, what do you want from me?
Nan: you liked my Instagram story?
Yas: i'm never getting married. unless i become the first marriage in Pakistan...
* Yas: tell me the story of your love, i want to feel inspired in this dead world.
Nan: here is the letter. word of warning: this letter was the first erotic fanfic ever done. it is filled to the RIM with nasty illegal stuff of all sort in them scribblings. and x-rated doodles in the margins of the pages.
Yas's mom: i...
Yas: no, mom, not this time.
* Yas: can you please help me fix the watch which is a symbol of my broken soul?
Doctor: i dunno, i don't have one of those impossible tiny screwdrivers.
Yas: no i mean the TARDIS.
Doctor: the TARDIS should only be taken out for emergencies.
Yas: what about your sonic then?
Doctor: currently in use...
Yas: what's that rumbling belowdeck?
* Doctor: alright, gang, everyone in the bus...……..sorry, reflex.
* Holy Man: don't mind me, i'm just an old man walking alone in the heat on a cold lonely dusty road.
Prem: get in, old man.
Holy Man: oh you young people and your cars and your Instagram, you've forgotten how to walk, you've forgotten what it means to earn a decent wage. you're all highway robbers now.
Prem: thanks, old buddy, hey look out behind your back, they're like some demons or ghosts following you.
* Graham: Doc, you okay?
Doctor: fucking migraines. you get migraines?
Graham: do i get migraines she says look at the size of my head of course i do.
* Yas: you're not marrying my grandfather? i am offended!
Doctor: sorry bout that, girl is into butterflies and changing wings and other loopy stuff. hey you got any VANQUISH in that barn?
* Doctor: why do we always land RIGHT as history's about to go apeshit!?
Graham: i'm British. from the Commonwealth.
Ryan: that makes you a monkey around here. now you know how it feels.
Graham: i look like everyone's uncle.
* Doctor: i sense something, my Spidey Sense is sad...it's like there are forces coming this way, unseen forces, undefined forces, but scary forces which will in the shadows crack your bubble and force you to live lives in terror you were never planning, your entire way of life is dust. it's all telly tricks, of course, the BBC is good at creating fear and making you flee with just sound over wheatfields...
* Doctor: so you lot have heard of speed-dating, yeah?
* Holy Man: don't worry, i'm not really dead. none of us are really dead. yes, my skin is purple but i'm a magic man you see...
Graham: Prince? Hendrix? we must search for the body. your body...……………….oh wow i had a Law & Order flashback there. i only do shows that are affiliated in London with NBC.
* Doctor: holy (man) shit! hey aliens, give me your cool transporter!
aliens: those Star Trek transporters are nuts! scattering your atoms? how could you ever be sure your atoms would reassemble the right way again?
Doctor: tell me about it, you could even turn into a woman the next time.
Ryan: ooooohhh, shiny...….!!!
Doctor: DON'T TOUCH, RYAN!, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!
* Doctor: we seem to have entered a cave with giant forks...………….let's eat! tuck in! those weren't trees in those woods, they were giant broccoli!
Ryan: the VANQUISH hits you harder if you don't eat. not that i'm a drugs-cheat youth or something.
Prem: no, nope, i'm too old for this shit, you talkin bout alien playmates, i've been to real war! i live in the real world!
* Doctor: i must say, i love you aliens' style, you've got those '90s square-pad targets you stick on trees for Nerf ball and that Laser Tag you did in malls in the '80s. like you, i also have a retro style. you guys are cool.
* Vajarians: we're not what you think. we just like to watch. we like to look at blue holograms.
Doctor: EVERY species in the universe does.
Vajarians: we were rejected for Star Trek: TNG so we came here. do you know how lonely it is to be an out-of-work actor?
Doctor: forever alone has such a negative connotation now, it's not cute anymore it's mixed with violence.
* Doctor: let me see what Manish did.
Vajarians: can't. it's, like, torture porn, banned in the seven star systems.
* Yas: this is wild, pops.
Graham: oh, you talkin' to me? this is our first conversation, aye?
Yas: yes, our first conversation. ever.
Graham: you know, if i had continued with Nan, you would have been my daughter…
Yas: and conversation over.
Graham: no, MY Nan, not yours. you have the prettiest smile i've ever seen on a girl, you have all your teeth...
* Yas: she lied to me!
Graham: all women have secrets, they must to survive in this dead world. feminine mystique and all that, it's part of their allure.
Yas: yeah, i cosplayed as Mystique once. still have blue paint in my yas.
Graham: *whispering* don't tell anyone this, but The Doctor used to be a man!!!
* Doctor: what's all this then? mind when women gather in circles, that's where the real power lies!!!
women: you callin' us liars? and witches?
Doctor: huh. so this is hentai, huh?
Yas: uh, henna. think of it as a Banksy needlepoint job if your hand was a pillow.
Doctor: okay, i'm ready for the icky cookie......everyone sing!
The Doctor sings "Thank You For Being a Friend" alone.
Ryan: i thought you liked biscuits, not cookies.
Doctor: no i like KFC biscuits, not biscuits meaning British cookies.
Ryan: not cool, man.
* Prem: what happened to you, Manish? you weren't so mannish before. you were boyish, you wore those Harry Potter glasses and were so cute!
Manish: i took off my glaases and opened my eyes, brother! i listened to angry white men on the radio, bro! i even called in once. have you heard of Gandhi Jones, bro.
Graham: you know what they say: unlucky in cards, lucky in love.
Ryan: but what about Pokémon cards?
Graham: that's just unlucky in everything.
* both men crying.
Graham: you look like a schoolboy on maneuvers.
Prem: you own that turn of phrase. i googled it and couldn't find it anywhere.
* Prem: the watch broke!
Umbreen: it's okay, that's the point. our moment in time. time does not exist, there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
Prem: that is so deep and non-millennial. have you been meditating again? perhaps this interracial thing will work out after all.
Umbreen: isn't Umbreen a cool name? like a beluga whale or something.
Prem: you're not fat. see? already i'm a good husband.
Umbreen: plus, the watch is a Swatch, it's rubber. Roger Federer hasn't won yet and done any Longines commercials.
* Doctor: we are so cute! we each got a golden poppy in our ears. a-choo!
Umbreen's mom: what was that? good luck?
Doctor: that was my first sneeze! as a woman.
Umbreen's mom: how's your nose doing, Doctor? Doctor Who knows.
Doctor: strangest thing, my nose didn't sneeze, my ear cuff did!
* Manish: i didn't toil the fields to feed YOU, i did it to feed ME!!! and i'm still skinny! that's why i joined the dark side!
Prem: all this righteous indignation and rage is not healthy, brother. you will never win this way. this is crazy what they're doing to us.
Manish: i know. i mean this partitioning of the country will never work, it's like Brexit. i'm angry cos of the food thing.
* Yas: ah yea, the ropes. and the mud pit. my early days on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...
Umbreen: you will do well on that show, you inherited my big butt.
* Prem: i'm going out there, i got some demons of my own…………..yeah i said it, i said that line and i said that line seriously.
* Yas: i want to watch.
Doctor: no, cover your eyes, shield yourself from the world, girls should never see violence.
Yas: Doctor, i NEED to see this!
Doctor: it's just fireworks, hun, we're at a fair. do what i say, i'm your mother!
* Vajarians: like our freaky disembodied floating heads?
Doctor: i thought you were passive Predators.
Vajarians: we're named after the Vajazzle.
* Doctor: from the topview, the TARDIS looks like a giant icky cookie...
* Yas: why did you decide to settle in Sheffield?
Nan: completely random, i literally threw a redtipped dart at a map and it landed on this dump.
Yas: but what if the dart landed in the ocean?
Nan: on the map or the ocean in real life?
* both women crying.
Yas: you sacrificed so much for love! you went through so much pain for love! you lost your first love and had to settle for Grandpa!
Nan: that's why i tell you, bheti, be careful where you stick your fingers. when you swipe left, you may be fucking up your soul mate!
* Yas: i love you, Nan.
Nan: i love you, too, girl.
Ryan: way to rub it in, we're breaking up.
* okay, i admit, the music at the end credits teared me up...just something about Time, you know?...
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Reaching the Nexus"
notes:
* Chip Lynne: FINALLY this show is over!
Madame Odius: hey. i was a good character, your writers were cowards. i could have done something revolutionary, like be a female villain who at the same time is also for #MeToo and who had experienced sexual assault in the workplace.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: exactly. the only hope this world has is the younger generation. i'm trying to save the Earth here you know. "Reaching the Nexus"? that's the best you could do for this epic finale?
Chip: it was better than "Nexus Power."
Odius: it should have been called "Odius: Study of a Woman".
* doomy voiceover guy at the beginning: omg that was fun! i've never had to say so many strange words in my life!
* Chip: just......before we start...i asked for an hour and was denied, so, you know...
* Odius: i am triumphant! i am Hitler at that armistice with the railcar and everything.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: oh, sorry. Badonna, what's taking so long?
Badonna: the stupid humans are marching instead of just running to their spot.
Odius: they're like cattle. cattle to be sucked up by UFO beams.
* Badonna: okay, you've reached onboard inside the ship, you can stop marching now, it's creepy.
Odius: they look like gooses.
* Hayley: OMG they killed Calvin!
Sarah: he's mindcontrolled, that's all. let's go rescue the other humans who are not already lost like Calvin.
Hayley: he's Catholic so he'll be fine. wait, is the beam supposed to affect the entire world or just our town?
Chip: budget. it's supposed to be the whole world but......well we don't have all the budget in the world now do we.
Hayley: next time vote republican.
* Sarah: what are you doing?!
Hayley: my boyfriend. i feel i turned him into this with my rejection.
Sarah: hey, women get enough hate without adding this, let's not pile on and Ariana Grande this thing.
Hayley: without Calvin with me what's the point of saving the world? I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!
Sarah: do you think they'll recognize us without our Ranger gear on?
Hayley: yes. every New York actor looks the same when they're on line.
Sarah: yeah, that's the thing: what do New Yorkers say when they're waiting at the Apple Store? online or on line?
* Odius: oh you are such a good little boy, Mick! lead us to your secret hideout.
Mick Kanic: yes, mistress.
Odius: oooh, i like that! what are you doing later this century? we've got all the time in the world.
Redbot: have to hurry! dammit! this suitcase buckle won't budge! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*EXPLOSION*
Redbot: stop! malfunction! malfunction!
Mick: is that all you have to say to me? after all those times i fixed you!? saying malfunction won't help!
* Victor Vincent: we refuse to be your clowns any longer!
Cosmo Royale: wanna play with my balls?
Monty: *puppy-dog wag of his head*
* Odius: wait, the Nexus was here this whole time!? why didn't anyone tell me!?
Redbot: oh shit, i'm not feeling so well. i've got the Bumblebee fever. ALL HAIL MEGATRON i didn't mean that!!! *tries to cover mouth but realizes his robot arm is missing...*
* Sarah: oh, i get it, i see how it is, this is gonna be the ladies teaming up and saving the day, i love it! FOR MADAME ODIUS!!!
Chip: also, there's this thing onboard the ship that prevents you from changing into your Ranger gear cos budget.
* Sarah kicks ass.
Sarah: yeah i do. i beat all those men with just my ass! i defeated them with just my plainclothes karate, i don't even need to be a Ranger anymore, i'm that good!
bunch of burly men take care of the rest.
Sarah: who the fuck are you guys horning in on my territory and shining feminist moment?
men: we're the extras and heavies on set you never see on film, the stuntmen and the ones who wear all the ridiculous rubber costumes.
Victor and Monty: and our bodyguards. we can't be seen roaming around New Zealand or we'll get killed.
* Hayley: you hit me, Calvin! we're breaking up again!
Calvin: i cannot let you cross the streams. shoot me in the face if you must but not the hair, please, don't touch the hair. you'd do this to your only lover?
Hayley: i've got the gun this time. woman power!...……...no, move your face, i'm aiming for the beam.
* Calvin: what was i thinking? i could NEVER get a girl as hot as you again! you've got the phattest butt i've ever seen.
Hayley: it was my fault, honey.
Calvin: no me. i didn't take feelings into consideration like a good millennial. next time you ask me for my opinion, i will stay silent.
Hayley: i want an honest man, those are the sexiest kind. Calvin honey, do these white jeans make my butt look fat?
Calvin: *pinching Hayley's cheeks* let's go save the world, chubby-cheeks.
Hayley: ya big goof.
* Calvin: now Victor and Monty, we need YOU to save humanity, cos the Rangers are all at their dayjobs.
Victor: sure. if me and Monty get to be the Gold and Silver Rangers.
Calvin: whatever you want, i mean you two are PROBABLY gonna be in the Christmas special, right?
* Victor: hey bad guys, boom voyage!
Monty: yeah yippee ki yay motherfuckers!!!
Chip: HAHA!!! I DID IT! i made Victor and Monty the heroes of this show! this is for all the guff for two years! suck it, redditors!!!
* Dad: i am NOT your father.
Brody: we know, dad, you're mindcontrolled.
Dad: no i mean i am so incensed over what you did to your mother!
Levi: what do you mean?
Brody: i didn't do anything to her! in fact...…….yeah what happened to our mother? she was never mentioned.
Dad: i will KILL you boys for what you did to her! i am not your father anymore!
Levi: what? we just kissed her.
Dad: yeah you kissed her alright...
* Odius: that's fine craftsmanship, slave.
Mick: i aim to please on the star, ma'am.
Odius: no i mean your butt.
Mick: i meant icky cookie.
* Mick: i'm not much into fighting, so i'm leaving now and my fixing of Redbot will be offscreened.
Dad: speaking of offscreened, i guess i'll go search for our mother. hope she isn't dead or it'll be a waste.
* Calvin: i love you, Hayley. till the world explodes.
Hayley: Degrassi reference, nice.
Mick: um, are you planning to do something, Calvin? something i should know about?
Calvin: *strokes his mustache* only something dastardly: i'm gonna declare love in this wretched world. let's fuck, Hayley.
Chip: kid's show. we won't even allow a kiss between a long-standing couple.
Sarah: which is weird cos we film porn here at night.
*Calvin and Hayley sit down and fuck*
* Odius: this is my true form! I AM AIZEN-BUTTERFLY!!!
Chip: *taps his watch* hey guys, we got, like, one minute for this the final boss battle, so let's hurry this along.
Preston: okay, i hope my magic works at this crucial and critical time this time.
Chip: we'll fix it in post if it doesn't. CGI isn't a four-letter word to me.
* principal: well shit, i didn't get ONE line this entire last episode!
mayor: sucker.
Victor: we did it, Monty! i got my 50th trophy!
Monty: Victor, you're not holding the trophy, you're holding me...
* Rangers: wow, that Nexus Star is turning into a Beast and flying away...
Redbot: fucking rock monster, good riddance.
Rangers: so that's it. do we stay friends?
Rangers: nah. let's go our separate ways, the world is a cold and lonely place…
* Rangers: so you're STAYING, Mick???!
Mick: of course. what could be more interesting than teaching metalshop at a community college? outer space adventures, pashaw……………………….plus my parents are dead but i didn't want to ruin the mood…
* Sledge: so there WILL be a Christmas special, right?
Chip: seems likely.
Sledge: you better not Doctor Who us! my girlfriends are coming to this party.
Chip: Poisandra?
Sledge: that's my wife, i'm talking about bringing Victor and Monty.
Chip: Sledge, buddy, Victor and Monty are wearing clown makeup, they're not girls.
* Chip Lynne: FINALLY this show is over!
Madame Odius: hey. i was a good character, your writers were cowards. i could have done something revolutionary, like be a female villain who at the same time is also for #MeToo and who had experienced sexual assault in the workplace.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: exactly. the only hope this world has is the younger generation. i'm trying to save the Earth here you know. "Reaching the Nexus"? that's the best you could do for this epic finale?
Chip: it was better than "Nexus Power."
Odius: it should have been called "Odius: Study of a Woman".
* doomy voiceover guy at the beginning: omg that was fun! i've never had to say so many strange words in my life!
* Chip: just......before we start...i asked for an hour and was denied, so, you know...
* Odius: i am triumphant! i am Hitler at that armistice with the railcar and everything.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: oh, sorry. Badonna, what's taking so long?
Badonna: the stupid humans are marching instead of just running to their spot.
Odius: they're like cattle. cattle to be sucked up by UFO beams.
* Badonna: okay, you've reached onboard inside the ship, you can stop marching now, it's creepy.
Odius: they look like gooses.
* Hayley: OMG they killed Calvin!
Sarah: he's mindcontrolled, that's all. let's go rescue the other humans who are not already lost like Calvin.
Hayley: he's Catholic so he'll be fine. wait, is the beam supposed to affect the entire world or just our town?
Chip: budget. it's supposed to be the whole world but......well we don't have all the budget in the world now do we.
Hayley: next time vote republican.
* Sarah: what are you doing?!
Hayley: my boyfriend. i feel i turned him into this with my rejection.
Sarah: hey, women get enough hate without adding this, let's not pile on and Ariana Grande this thing.
Hayley: without Calvin with me what's the point of saving the world? I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!
Sarah: do you think they'll recognize us without our Ranger gear on?
Hayley: yes. every New York actor looks the same when they're on line.
Sarah: yeah, that's the thing: what do New Yorkers say when they're waiting at the Apple Store? online or on line?
* Odius: oh you are such a good little boy, Mick! lead us to your secret hideout.
Mick Kanic: yes, mistress.
Odius: oooh, i like that! what are you doing later this century? we've got all the time in the world.
Redbot: have to hurry! dammit! this suitcase buckle won't budge! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*EXPLOSION*
Redbot: stop! malfunction! malfunction!
Mick: is that all you have to say to me? after all those times i fixed you!? saying malfunction won't help!
* Victor Vincent: we refuse to be your clowns any longer!
Cosmo Royale: wanna play with my balls?
Monty: *puppy-dog wag of his head*
* Odius: wait, the Nexus was here this whole time!? why didn't anyone tell me!?
Redbot: oh shit, i'm not feeling so well. i've got the Bumblebee fever. ALL HAIL MEGATRON i didn't mean that!!! *tries to cover mouth but realizes his robot arm is missing...*
* Sarah: oh, i get it, i see how it is, this is gonna be the ladies teaming up and saving the day, i love it! FOR MADAME ODIUS!!!
Chip: also, there's this thing onboard the ship that prevents you from changing into your Ranger gear cos budget.
* Sarah kicks ass.
Sarah: yeah i do. i beat all those men with just my ass! i defeated them with just my plainclothes karate, i don't even need to be a Ranger anymore, i'm that good!
bunch of burly men take care of the rest.
Sarah: who the fuck are you guys horning in on my territory and shining feminist moment?
men: we're the extras and heavies on set you never see on film, the stuntmen and the ones who wear all the ridiculous rubber costumes.
Victor and Monty: and our bodyguards. we can't be seen roaming around New Zealand or we'll get killed.
* Hayley: you hit me, Calvin! we're breaking up again!
Calvin: i cannot let you cross the streams. shoot me in the face if you must but not the hair, please, don't touch the hair. you'd do this to your only lover?
Hayley: i've got the gun this time. woman power!...……...no, move your face, i'm aiming for the beam.
* Calvin: what was i thinking? i could NEVER get a girl as hot as you again! you've got the phattest butt i've ever seen.
Hayley: it was my fault, honey.
Calvin: no me. i didn't take feelings into consideration like a good millennial. next time you ask me for my opinion, i will stay silent.
Hayley: i want an honest man, those are the sexiest kind. Calvin honey, do these white jeans make my butt look fat?
Calvin: *pinching Hayley's cheeks* let's go save the world, chubby-cheeks.
Hayley: ya big goof.
* Calvin: now Victor and Monty, we need YOU to save humanity, cos the Rangers are all at their dayjobs.
Victor: sure. if me and Monty get to be the Gold and Silver Rangers.
Calvin: whatever you want, i mean you two are PROBABLY gonna be in the Christmas special, right?
* Victor: hey bad guys, boom voyage!
Monty: yeah yippee ki yay motherfuckers!!!
Chip: HAHA!!! I DID IT! i made Victor and Monty the heroes of this show! this is for all the guff for two years! suck it, redditors!!!
* Dad: i am NOT your father.
Brody: we know, dad, you're mindcontrolled.
Dad: no i mean i am so incensed over what you did to your mother!
Levi: what do you mean?
Brody: i didn't do anything to her! in fact...…….yeah what happened to our mother? she was never mentioned.
Dad: i will KILL you boys for what you did to her! i am not your father anymore!
Levi: what? we just kissed her.
Dad: yeah you kissed her alright...
* Odius: that's fine craftsmanship, slave.
Mick: i aim to please on the star, ma'am.
Odius: no i mean your butt.
Mick: i meant icky cookie.
* Mick: i'm not much into fighting, so i'm leaving now and my fixing of Redbot will be offscreened.
Dad: speaking of offscreened, i guess i'll go search for our mother. hope she isn't dead or it'll be a waste.
* Calvin: i love you, Hayley. till the world explodes.
Hayley: Degrassi reference, nice.
Mick: um, are you planning to do something, Calvin? something i should know about?
Calvin: *strokes his mustache* only something dastardly: i'm gonna declare love in this wretched world. let's fuck, Hayley.
Chip: kid's show. we won't even allow a kiss between a long-standing couple.
Sarah: which is weird cos we film porn here at night.
*Calvin and Hayley sit down and fuck*
* Odius: this is my true form! I AM AIZEN-BUTTERFLY!!!
Chip: *taps his watch* hey guys, we got, like, one minute for this the final boss battle, so let's hurry this along.
Preston: okay, i hope my magic works at this crucial and critical time this time.
Chip: we'll fix it in post if it doesn't. CGI isn't a four-letter word to me.
* principal: well shit, i didn't get ONE line this entire last episode!
mayor: sucker.
Victor: we did it, Monty! i got my 50th trophy!
Monty: Victor, you're not holding the trophy, you're holding me...
* Rangers: wow, that Nexus Star is turning into a Beast and flying away...
Redbot: fucking rock monster, good riddance.
Rangers: so that's it. do we stay friends?
Rangers: nah. let's go our separate ways, the world is a cold and lonely place…
* Rangers: so you're STAYING, Mick???!
Mick: of course. what could be more interesting than teaching metalshop at a community college? outer space adventures, pashaw……………………….plus my parents are dead but i didn't want to ruin the mood…
* Sledge: so there WILL be a Christmas special, right?
Chip: seems likely.
Sledge: you better not Doctor Who us! my girlfriends are coming to this party.
Chip: Poisandra?
Sledge: that's my wife, i'm talking about bringing Victor and Monty.
Chip: Sledge, buddy, Victor and Monty are wearing clown makeup, they're not girls.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Doctor Who "The Tsuranga Conundrum"
notes:
* me: the New Zealand city? Bay of Plenty?
Chibnall: no. writer 101: always start with an unknown so the critics can't challenge you. i like Good & Plenty.
me: i like Hot Tamales. and never model yourself after Power Rangers unless it's RPM.
Chibnall: address me as Chubby Chibby from now on, Phoenix.
* there HAD to be a better title. even "P'Ting" would have worked. or just call it "Health Care If We Keep Electing Dictators".
* The Doctor: before we start, can i just say how grateful i am to my New Three. my Triforce of Heart. you Companions have cleared my eyes and helped me rediscover my joie de vivre. i feel light as a feather...and not stiff as a board. it's like all of my centuries of man-baggage have melted away. i'm happy, healthy, and unburdened. i feel like like a girl who hasn't had her first boyfriend yet.
* Doctor: yes, i've definitely been a woman before, this isn't controversial or new. it's just all of those adventures were never seen on tv, film, or in comic books.
* Graham: this is shit.
Doctor: hey. the ratings have dipped some but we're still a good show.
Graham: no i mean this junkyard we're in.
Doctor: spoilers: this is really Earth...………...it's a metaphor...………...you human lot didn't heed the U.N. 2030 thing...
Ryan: hey i found my other hand in the scrap-pile! did you see the shadow puppets i did last time?
Yas: i was in the bathroom.
Ryan: come on, man, with my hand those shadow puppets are unique to me, i'm the only human who can perform them like that!
Doctor: in college i was called The Junkyard Dog.
Graham: for a woman that's not a compliment.
* Doctor: oh shit! it's a bomb! or maybe it's a roomba.
Ryan: is that what happened to your robot dog? i've been watching you since i was a kid in the British projects.
Doctor: i don't like to vacuum. i send the roomba inside the TARDIS and it never comes back cos it's bigger than any computer can calculate. when i'm traveling alone i vacuum naked like Working Girl.
* Doctor: where are we?
Astos: flying hospital on a boat. you're sick.
Doctor: that's what everyone keeps telling me. apparently i suffer from multiple-personality disorder.
Yas: we like to look at it as reincarnation.
* Doctor: OMG! this was my favorite show, i loved the ending. this is what would have happened if St. Elsewhere continued. everything ultimately ends up in space.
Astos: no, this is what would have happened if Red Dwarf continued into the 2000s. see that android over there?
android: i'm like if Data were a bishonen.
* Doctor: come closer to my face.
Astos: i'm responsible for you.
Doctor: that is so toxic and charming at the same time. quaint is the word. but you're cute so i'll let it slide. you look like my husband, my real-life husband. do you prefer my hair straight or curly? they wanted me to get brown hair to look more like Tom Baker.
Astos: in my timeline, Tom Baker became a monk...
* Eve Cicero: my story?
Doctor: your husband looks like my husband.
Eve: i'm the badassiest woman who ever lived, Han Solo is the male me, i took down all of Hitler's spaceships while pregnant with my brother, here is my no-good brother. and here is my partner Ronan the android.
Doctor: partner?
Eve: it's British. in this case it means partner, not partner. i'm not fucking him on the sly...
Doctor: yeah i mean where would you go? there are only a limited number of rooms.
Eve: ...Ronan is my drug-dealer. i have a secret: i didn't take my Humira this morning.
* Yoss: are you my mommy?
Yas: what?
Yoss: Yoss, Yas. i really need a support system right now. boys make boys and girls make girls.
Graham: and Gaga makes millennial monsters.
Doctor: OMG see i knew it! you ARE Ed Sheeran! i just missed you at the hotel.
Yoss: i've never given birth before.
Ryan and Graham: what's it like, mate?
Yoss: giving birth is a miracle. you lose your cock in the process but it's a miracle.
* Yas: so what happened?
Yoss: kissed the wrong dude.
* Mabli: i'm Mabli.
Doctor: you're mumbling, nobody can understand what you're saying. speak up to be heard.
Mabli: like our Star Wars holograms?
Ryan: OMG it's that short brown dude from video games that looks like a patchwork thread-and-needle doll made from a potato sack! i have the same toy showing on my shelf when i do youtube vidoes!
* Doctor: OMG this antimatter is so sexual to me. i eat it in my dreams when i sleep for years at a time. it's the signature S in space that keeps the universe up and creation of imagination possible. it's biblical and new life springs from its orgasm. it rattles the chain of my ear cuff into an S, that's what my ear cuff is for i've noticed you STILL haven't addressed the ear cuff on the show. it's Supergirl. it's actually the stuff that's in my vibrator.
Yas: what exactly is antimatter anyway?
Doctor: only Neil deGrasse Tyson can explain it.
Ryan: cos space is black? not cool.
Doctor: don't break the glass, Ryan. unless you're a woman.
Yas: it's like my Google Pixel 3: i can choose which frame to see things in.
* Astos: the white guy is always the first one to get killed...
Doctor: Pygar? is that you? sorry we can't keep you, mate, i already have too many Companions.
* Doctor: so you and Astos…
Mabli: strictly professional and platonic. he was like an older teacher brother to me.
Doctor: i understand, you never forget your first tattoo.
Mabli: and please stop calling me She-Mowgli.
Doctor: you can do this. Chris Chibnall believes in you. life is about solving problems...
Mabli: ...with money.
* Durkas: i love you.
Yas: *bright eyes* me?
Durkas: no, my sister.
Yas: *sour eyes* ew.
Durkas: you always called me a dorkus growing up, sis. but i respect you now that you're dying. i became a mechanic and built this very ship that's attracting that deadly Gremlin that will doom us all.
Graham shakes his head.
Durkas: i cheated on the test.
Graham: too right. i did, too, mate, no worries. you may find this hard to believe, but i am not Ryan's father.
* Yoss: i'm not ready to be a parent.
Ryan: no one is...except Sonny Bono.
Graham: hey! this is a ripoff of the Dream Corp LLC episode coming up later tonight. who came up with the pregnancy theme first?
* Ryan: kids need dads, it's that simple. not political at all.
Yas: that kiss we're gonna have in the last episode is gonna be epic.
Ryan: yeah let's have it in Episode 10, not the Christmas Special. please Chub, let's NOT have the kiss under mistletoe.
Graham: when will i be cool enough to blow up your fist? we're halfway over.
Ryan: let's wait until our SECOND Christmas Special when we'll be so bonded over warm eggnog we'll pull our Christmas cracker using our penises.
Graham: i've only seen the Christmas Call the Midwifes.
* Doctor: OMG, that thing is so cute! it's like if Stewie from Family Guy were a Gremlin! i'm gonna call it Baby Brundlefly! you say it eats parts of the ship?
Durkas: next time i'll make the ship with one bolt.
Graham: yeah, like eating drywall and loveseats, sound familiar? Dream Corp LLC anyone? stress-induced pica?
* Yas: what's your sob story?
Ronan: i'm a Roman with feelings...
* Doctor: good, the Gremlin ate my vibrator. there's enough pent-up energy in there for him to feed on for eternity.
Ryan: it makes a ping like a lost airplane black box.
Chibnall: sorry for only having one puppet. that's what happens when you have half-support from the public, the budget reflects that.
* Eve: wait, this is real?! it's not one big video game? you know, i thought shoot the Gremlin, win the boss battle with the big bad.
Doctor: wait, i'm detecting with my sonic that you have two hearts, that's why you're so on-edge and out-of-breath all the time.
Eve: yeah, no big deal to have female Gallifreyans.
Doctor: it's the transitioning that's the nervous part, choosing which bathroom.
* Doctor: okay, ready the 24 countdown cock uh clock. oh, we're not really killing it? well that's no fun. i theoretically killed that spider with my thoughts.
* Durkas: will you do the cant?
Ronan: robot religion is a tricky thing.
Doctor: we say can around here. we're a sex-positive feminist group.
Doctor: huh, i guess i'll humor them. i'm the God they're praying to...
* me: the New Zealand city? Bay of Plenty?
Chibnall: no. writer 101: always start with an unknown so the critics can't challenge you. i like Good & Plenty.
me: i like Hot Tamales. and never model yourself after Power Rangers unless it's RPM.
Chibnall: address me as Chubby Chibby from now on, Phoenix.
* there HAD to be a better title. even "P'Ting" would have worked. or just call it "Health Care If We Keep Electing Dictators".
* The Doctor: before we start, can i just say how grateful i am to my New Three. my Triforce of Heart. you Companions have cleared my eyes and helped me rediscover my joie de vivre. i feel light as a feather...and not stiff as a board. it's like all of my centuries of man-baggage have melted away. i'm happy, healthy, and unburdened. i feel like like a girl who hasn't had her first boyfriend yet.
* Doctor: yes, i've definitely been a woman before, this isn't controversial or new. it's just all of those adventures were never seen on tv, film, or in comic books.
* Graham: this is shit.
Doctor: hey. the ratings have dipped some but we're still a good show.
Graham: no i mean this junkyard we're in.
Doctor: spoilers: this is really Earth...………...it's a metaphor...………...you human lot didn't heed the U.N. 2030 thing...
Ryan: hey i found my other hand in the scrap-pile! did you see the shadow puppets i did last time?
Yas: i was in the bathroom.
Ryan: come on, man, with my hand those shadow puppets are unique to me, i'm the only human who can perform them like that!
Doctor: in college i was called The Junkyard Dog.
Graham: for a woman that's not a compliment.
* Doctor: oh shit! it's a bomb! or maybe it's a roomba.
Ryan: is that what happened to your robot dog? i've been watching you since i was a kid in the British projects.
Doctor: i don't like to vacuum. i send the roomba inside the TARDIS and it never comes back cos it's bigger than any computer can calculate. when i'm traveling alone i vacuum naked like Working Girl.
* Doctor: where are we?
Astos: flying hospital on a boat. you're sick.
Doctor: that's what everyone keeps telling me. apparently i suffer from multiple-personality disorder.
Yas: we like to look at it as reincarnation.
* Doctor: OMG! this was my favorite show, i loved the ending. this is what would have happened if St. Elsewhere continued. everything ultimately ends up in space.
Astos: no, this is what would have happened if Red Dwarf continued into the 2000s. see that android over there?
android: i'm like if Data were a bishonen.
* Doctor: come closer to my face.
Astos: i'm responsible for you.
Doctor: that is so toxic and charming at the same time. quaint is the word. but you're cute so i'll let it slide. you look like my husband, my real-life husband. do you prefer my hair straight or curly? they wanted me to get brown hair to look more like Tom Baker.
Astos: in my timeline, Tom Baker became a monk...
* Eve Cicero: my story?
Doctor: your husband looks like my husband.
Eve: i'm the badassiest woman who ever lived, Han Solo is the male me, i took down all of Hitler's spaceships while pregnant with my brother, here is my no-good brother. and here is my partner Ronan the android.
Doctor: partner?
Eve: it's British. in this case it means partner, not partner. i'm not fucking him on the sly...
Doctor: yeah i mean where would you go? there are only a limited number of rooms.
Eve: ...Ronan is my drug-dealer. i have a secret: i didn't take my Humira this morning.
* Yoss: are you my mommy?
Yas: what?
Yoss: Yoss, Yas. i really need a support system right now. boys make boys and girls make girls.
Graham: and Gaga makes millennial monsters.
Doctor: OMG see i knew it! you ARE Ed Sheeran! i just missed you at the hotel.
Yoss: i've never given birth before.
Ryan and Graham: what's it like, mate?
Yoss: giving birth is a miracle. you lose your cock in the process but it's a miracle.
* Yas: so what happened?
Yoss: kissed the wrong dude.
* Mabli: i'm Mabli.
Doctor: you're mumbling, nobody can understand what you're saying. speak up to be heard.
Mabli: like our Star Wars holograms?
Ryan: OMG it's that short brown dude from video games that looks like a patchwork thread-and-needle doll made from a potato sack! i have the same toy showing on my shelf when i do youtube vidoes!
* Doctor: OMG this antimatter is so sexual to me. i eat it in my dreams when i sleep for years at a time. it's the signature S in space that keeps the universe up and creation of imagination possible. it's biblical and new life springs from its orgasm. it rattles the chain of my ear cuff into an S, that's what my ear cuff is for i've noticed you STILL haven't addressed the ear cuff on the show. it's Supergirl. it's actually the stuff that's in my vibrator.
Yas: what exactly is antimatter anyway?
Doctor: only Neil deGrasse Tyson can explain it.
Ryan: cos space is black? not cool.
Doctor: don't break the glass, Ryan. unless you're a woman.
Yas: it's like my Google Pixel 3: i can choose which frame to see things in.
* Astos: the white guy is always the first one to get killed...
Doctor: Pygar? is that you? sorry we can't keep you, mate, i already have too many Companions.
* Doctor: so you and Astos…
Mabli: strictly professional and platonic. he was like an older teacher brother to me.
Doctor: i understand, you never forget your first tattoo.
Mabli: and please stop calling me She-Mowgli.
Doctor: you can do this. Chris Chibnall believes in you. life is about solving problems...
Mabli: ...with money.
* Durkas: i love you.
Yas: *bright eyes* me?
Durkas: no, my sister.
Yas: *sour eyes* ew.
Durkas: you always called me a dorkus growing up, sis. but i respect you now that you're dying. i became a mechanic and built this very ship that's attracting that deadly Gremlin that will doom us all.
Graham shakes his head.
Durkas: i cheated on the test.
Graham: too right. i did, too, mate, no worries. you may find this hard to believe, but i am not Ryan's father.
* Yoss: i'm not ready to be a parent.
Ryan: no one is...except Sonny Bono.
Graham: hey! this is a ripoff of the Dream Corp LLC episode coming up later tonight. who came up with the pregnancy theme first?
* Ryan: kids need dads, it's that simple. not political at all.
Yas: that kiss we're gonna have in the last episode is gonna be epic.
Ryan: yeah let's have it in Episode 10, not the Christmas Special. please Chub, let's NOT have the kiss under mistletoe.
Graham: when will i be cool enough to blow up your fist? we're halfway over.
Ryan: let's wait until our SECOND Christmas Special when we'll be so bonded over warm eggnog we'll pull our Christmas cracker using our penises.
Graham: i've only seen the Christmas Call the Midwifes.
* Doctor: OMG, that thing is so cute! it's like if Stewie from Family Guy were a Gremlin! i'm gonna call it Baby Brundlefly! you say it eats parts of the ship?
Durkas: next time i'll make the ship with one bolt.
Graham: yeah, like eating drywall and loveseats, sound familiar? Dream Corp LLC anyone? stress-induced pica?
* Yas: what's your sob story?
Ronan: i'm a Roman with feelings...
* Doctor: good, the Gremlin ate my vibrator. there's enough pent-up energy in there for him to feed on for eternity.
Ryan: it makes a ping like a lost airplane black box.
Chibnall: sorry for only having one puppet. that's what happens when you have half-support from the public, the budget reflects that.
* Eve: wait, this is real?! it's not one big video game? you know, i thought shoot the Gremlin, win the boss battle with the big bad.
Doctor: wait, i'm detecting with my sonic that you have two hearts, that's why you're so on-edge and out-of-breath all the time.
Eve: yeah, no big deal to have female Gallifreyans.
Doctor: it's the transitioning that's the nervous part, choosing which bathroom.
* Doctor: okay, ready the 24 countdown cock uh clock. oh, we're not really killing it? well that's no fun. i theoretically killed that spider with my thoughts.
* Durkas: will you do the cant?
Ronan: robot religion is a tricky thing.
Doctor: we say can around here. we're a sex-positive feminist group.
Doctor: huh, i guess i'll humor them. i'm the God they're praying to...
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Doom Signal"
notes:
* Madame Odius: hey! this episode was gonna be titled "Under Odius's Spell"! that's sexist!
Chip Lynne: the title we went with appeals more to boys...……………...oh, yeah, sorry, now i see what you mean...we got so many alternate titles i lost count...
* Brody: previously...………..on Super Ninja Steel.....
Chip: hey Brody, that was good! you do your best acting when it's offscreened.
* SPOILERS: this episode is like 75% battle, there's hardly any dialogue and characterization, so this may be a short review.
* Odius: oooh, i like the new set, so futuristic and open-air!
Chip: we went to the House of the Book...……..and took a picture of it.
Mick: i'm almost done with the repairs. your car should be running in working order clean-as-a-whistle in no time. why didn't you ask Calvin to do this?
Badonna: oh i got plans for that surfer! he's gonna be my rebound when i dump Brax cos he dies.
Chip: goddammit.
Badonna: oh, sorry.
Odius: what you get.
* Mick: yaas queen, i'm wondering...
Odius: yes, cabana boy?
Mick: nobody will EVER want to watch this Power Rangers show i mean monster show, it's after Halloween.
Odius: it won't be monsters, it'll be humans. i'm gonna create my space army of invading hordes out of human flesh!
Mick: are humans really that gullible and stupid?
Odius: let's just say i already know Tuesday's results.
* Brody and Levi: thanks for dropping us off, dad.
Dad: aren't you boys a little old to be dropped off? i mean aren't you guys like 30 or something?
Levi: hey Dad, what do you do when you're not dropping us off? you're not a ninja anymore, so...
Dad: Trader Joe's.
* talent scout: i'm the talent scout. i'm not fat, the stage adds ten pounds. i can act skinny. i wear these shades cos i'm blind, makes it easier for me to evaluate talent.
* Hayley: where are my props?
Calvin: sorry, babe, i had to go surfing in the morning. Pearl Jam and Jeremy were there.
Hayley; goddammit!
Chip: i know, right?
Hayley: i'm squarely blaming YOU, Calvin Cheeto, if i don't become rich and famous.
Chip: Power Rangers is one of those middling shows. there's no guarantee it'll be a springboard.
Calvin: it's fine, honey, just use this box of props from Carrot Top. every prop is the same.
* Hayley: Romeo, Romeo...
talent scout: you know this is a comedy, right?
Hayley: i was going for the poison scene as dark comedy.
talent scout: it SOUNDS bad.
Hayley: but i'm hot.
talent scout: it would have worked if you had props. like a Romeo on stage with you.
Hayley: i'm not on speaking terms with my Romeo at the moment.
talent scout: here, use this prop: it's a glass decanter of vinegar for the poison. family heirloom.
Hayley: i get it, i need to eat more salads if i want to get roles.
* Monty: sorry, Victor, it was a reflex.
Chip: that's my best written line all two seasons!
Victor: this is very similar to my role as a doctor in the porn we film here at night.
Monty: HELP VICTOR! my legs are sandwiched together and it hurts!!!
Victor: but it's just prop-legs, right?
Monty: THERE ARE NO PROPS!!!
* talent scout: congrats, you guys are gonna be famous…for fifteen minutes.
* Sarah: OMG they kidnapped Victor and Monty!
Hayley: i don't care, let them go, nobody liked them anyway.
Calvin: damn, girl, you cold. that still gets me hot.
* Badonna: goddammit! i never got to fuck Brax!
Odius: why not?
Badonna: he always had his armor on. his emotional armor.
* Victor: lady i will NOT be a clown my whole life!
Badonna: chill, my dudes. those falling maces are just rubber. huge space-cat toys. this is all make-believe, like Mister Rogers.
Odius: my father was Mister Rogers. we had a falling-out...
* Odius: yes, that's it, you stupid Earthlings! that's it, fall under my spell. befall yourselves into oblivion! get bedeviled and entranced and hypnotized, shocked by the fact Nickelodeon would allow such a lame show to broadcast on its airwaves...
* Brax: I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Calvin: what do you want from me, lady!? i told you my honest opinion, you just didn't like it!
Hayley: have you heard of support?
Calvin: i pay every month, lady! you want the honest truth?
Hayley: yeah!
Calvin: child out of wedlock, i don't get down like that.
Hayley: what? how can a surfer be a Catholic?
Calvin: hey Hay, fishers of men. surfers of men. we cruise for men.
Hayley: oh yeah!? well, well, i wish you had died and Heath Ledger had lived!!!
* Sarah: hey girl, can i take you aside for some girl talk?
Hayley: what.
Sarah: it's just...…...you can't act, girl, never could, you were born to be a stay-at-home mom.
Hayley: thanks, girl.
Sarah: and you know i fucked Calvin last night, right? just getting it all out there, clearing all the air.
Hayley: you always cheer me up with your words. imma call him...that bro bitch already blocked me!!!
Sarah: in Power Rangers, nobody ever stays broken up for long. the lesson here is that you should always STAY in a relationship no matter what forever.
* Calvin: i didn't block Hayley, i just can't do the Home Unlock slide thing. hey what are you guys watching?
Chip and company: bloopers reel, the only good thing from every season.
Calvin: this is so sad. it's making my eyes red from crying.
* Redbot: hey have you guys seen Mick? he's the one with the remote.
Rangers: he's been gone a long time. let's ask the Principal.
Principal: turn away now. go back to where you came from. in your case, Preston, that will require swimming.
Preston: not cool, lady.
Principal: watch tv. preferably something educational. like Connect with English with that ginger Rebecca who has no soul like the rest of us don't now.
* Mick: hey, do you always watch a little Monty Python before you go to bed, too?
Odius: of course, my cabana-bot. you're not as muscular as i'd expect from a mechanic, but you do got a nice bubble-butt.
Mick: i eat a LOT of pizza.
* Preston: Rangers! avert your eyes! don't look, turn away! Mick is on his knees about ready to perform a sex act on Madame Odius!
* Rangers: do we really need to save the Earth? are humans worth saving?
the Rangers teleport away into space, never seen nor heard from again.
* Brody: hey! what's with the close-up of Sarah as the last shot? i thought i was the leader.
Chip: look at those lips!
* Madame Odius: hey! this episode was gonna be titled "Under Odius's Spell"! that's sexist!
Chip Lynne: the title we went with appeals more to boys...……………...oh, yeah, sorry, now i see what you mean...we got so many alternate titles i lost count...
* Brody: previously...………..on Super Ninja Steel.....
Chip: hey Brody, that was good! you do your best acting when it's offscreened.
* SPOILERS: this episode is like 75% battle, there's hardly any dialogue and characterization, so this may be a short review.
* Odius: oooh, i like the new set, so futuristic and open-air!
Chip: we went to the House of the Book...……..and took a picture of it.
Mick: i'm almost done with the repairs. your car should be running in working order clean-as-a-whistle in no time. why didn't you ask Calvin to do this?
Badonna: oh i got plans for that surfer! he's gonna be my rebound when i dump Brax cos he dies.
Chip: goddammit.
Badonna: oh, sorry.
Odius: what you get.
* Mick: yaas queen, i'm wondering...
Odius: yes, cabana boy?
Mick: nobody will EVER want to watch this Power Rangers show i mean monster show, it's after Halloween.
Odius: it won't be monsters, it'll be humans. i'm gonna create my space army of invading hordes out of human flesh!
Mick: are humans really that gullible and stupid?
Odius: let's just say i already know Tuesday's results.
* Brody and Levi: thanks for dropping us off, dad.
Dad: aren't you boys a little old to be dropped off? i mean aren't you guys like 30 or something?
Levi: hey Dad, what do you do when you're not dropping us off? you're not a ninja anymore, so...
Dad: Trader Joe's.
* talent scout: i'm the talent scout. i'm not fat, the stage adds ten pounds. i can act skinny. i wear these shades cos i'm blind, makes it easier for me to evaluate talent.
* Hayley: where are my props?
Calvin: sorry, babe, i had to go surfing in the morning. Pearl Jam and Jeremy were there.
Hayley; goddammit!
Chip: i know, right?
Hayley: i'm squarely blaming YOU, Calvin Cheeto, if i don't become rich and famous.
Chip: Power Rangers is one of those middling shows. there's no guarantee it'll be a springboard.
Calvin: it's fine, honey, just use this box of props from Carrot Top. every prop is the same.
* Hayley: Romeo, Romeo...
talent scout: you know this is a comedy, right?
Hayley: i was going for the poison scene as dark comedy.
talent scout: it SOUNDS bad.
Hayley: but i'm hot.
talent scout: it would have worked if you had props. like a Romeo on stage with you.
Hayley: i'm not on speaking terms with my Romeo at the moment.
talent scout: here, use this prop: it's a glass decanter of vinegar for the poison. family heirloom.
Hayley: i get it, i need to eat more salads if i want to get roles.
* Monty: sorry, Victor, it was a reflex.
Chip: that's my best written line all two seasons!
Victor: this is very similar to my role as a doctor in the porn we film here at night.
Monty: HELP VICTOR! my legs are sandwiched together and it hurts!!!
Victor: but it's just prop-legs, right?
Monty: THERE ARE NO PROPS!!!
* talent scout: congrats, you guys are gonna be famous…for fifteen minutes.
* Sarah: OMG they kidnapped Victor and Monty!
Hayley: i don't care, let them go, nobody liked them anyway.
Calvin: damn, girl, you cold. that still gets me hot.
* Badonna: goddammit! i never got to fuck Brax!
Odius: why not?
Badonna: he always had his armor on. his emotional armor.
* Victor: lady i will NOT be a clown my whole life!
Badonna: chill, my dudes. those falling maces are just rubber. huge space-cat toys. this is all make-believe, like Mister Rogers.
Odius: my father was Mister Rogers. we had a falling-out...
* Odius: yes, that's it, you stupid Earthlings! that's it, fall under my spell. befall yourselves into oblivion! get bedeviled and entranced and hypnotized, shocked by the fact Nickelodeon would allow such a lame show to broadcast on its airwaves...
* Brax: I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Calvin: what do you want from me, lady!? i told you my honest opinion, you just didn't like it!
Hayley: have you heard of support?
Calvin: i pay every month, lady! you want the honest truth?
Hayley: yeah!
Calvin: child out of wedlock, i don't get down like that.
Hayley: what? how can a surfer be a Catholic?
Calvin: hey Hay, fishers of men. surfers of men. we cruise for men.
Hayley: oh yeah!? well, well, i wish you had died and Heath Ledger had lived!!!
* Sarah: hey girl, can i take you aside for some girl talk?
Hayley: what.
Sarah: it's just...…...you can't act, girl, never could, you were born to be a stay-at-home mom.
Hayley: thanks, girl.
Sarah: and you know i fucked Calvin last night, right? just getting it all out there, clearing all the air.
Hayley: you always cheer me up with your words. imma call him...that bro bitch already blocked me!!!
Sarah: in Power Rangers, nobody ever stays broken up for long. the lesson here is that you should always STAY in a relationship no matter what forever.
* Calvin: i didn't block Hayley, i just can't do the Home Unlock slide thing. hey what are you guys watching?
Chip and company: bloopers reel, the only good thing from every season.
Calvin: this is so sad. it's making my eyes red from crying.
* Redbot: hey have you guys seen Mick? he's the one with the remote.
Rangers: he's been gone a long time. let's ask the Principal.
Principal: turn away now. go back to where you came from. in your case, Preston, that will require swimming.
Preston: not cool, lady.
Principal: watch tv. preferably something educational. like Connect with English with that ginger Rebecca who has no soul like the rest of us don't now.
* Mick: hey, do you always watch a little Monty Python before you go to bed, too?
Odius: of course, my cabana-bot. you're not as muscular as i'd expect from a mechanic, but you do got a nice bubble-butt.
Mick: i eat a LOT of pizza.
* Preston: Rangers! avert your eyes! don't look, turn away! Mick is on his knees about ready to perform a sex act on Madame Odius!
* Rangers: do we really need to save the Earth? are humans worth saving?
the Rangers teleport away into space, never seen nor heard from again.
* Brody: hey! what's with the close-up of Sarah as the last shot? i thought i was the leader.
Chip: look at those lips!
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