Archer 1999 "Mr. Deadly Goes to Town"

notes:

* okay, at first i thought the title was all wrong, should have been comes to play-on-words with cum or something and all the past 1930s film references, the ones starring Gregory Peck, but THEN i got it: see it takes me awhile to get things. now this is actually one of the most brilliant titles ever.

* Archer: you know i hate black holes! they make me think of Mother's vulva!
Archer: pencil-pusher! *throws pencil at Cyril*
Cyril: hey.

* Lana: IMMINENT DEATH sign...
Malory: relax, it's just one of those universal eternal-gravitation machines you see on the desks of all the heads of Fortune 500 companies, all of the Mad Men i slept with...i remember the florid smell of all their couches...

* Lana: don't do that! don't keep hitting the death-dust snowmen to make snow angels!
Krieger: i'm choking on my own death dust! this is the death-dust of my own clone! what a surreal experience!

* Mr. Deadly: i look like Pinhead without the pins...but i'm a walking pin in a grenade…

* Mr. Deadly: think of me as Deidara...in space.
Pam: you're not fooling anyone, dude, you can't reanimate a dead corpse.

* Adam Reed: turns out, not only didn't i write all the episodes this season, i wrote LESS THAN half of them! i really was like my character Ray this season: i just said fuck you to all the work and i'm eating my cake in my room! ALL the cake!

* Pam: Circuit Dick...
Krieger starts to cry.
Pam: sorry, dude.
Krieger: you just made me think of Circuit City…

* Mr. Deadly: i got bored...
Archer: that's the cause of all the misery in the world...and universe.

* Mr. Deadly: my destiny is to die.
Lana: that's the destiny of everyone.
Cheryl: is anyone else turned on right now?
Ray: wanna borrow my geisha fan?

* Archer: SPAGHETTIFICATION!!! what is it?
Pam: that's when you visit the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Archer: huh, um...…...actually, Pam, that is kinda technically correct.
Archer: TIME DILATION!!!
Pam: relax, dude, i'm not pregnant by you.

* Pam: i just like to eat spaghetti. it's a Jimmy Buffett thing.

* Malory: do androids dreams of electric sheep?
Krieger: only when they're plugged in i mean i'm plugged in.
Malory: what the hell have you been doing all this time in your secret lab??!
Krieger: trying to make Tang taste better. it's a lost cause.

* Krieger: okay, audience, here is the tennis ball i made which will feature as the deus-ex-machina bloody fish thing, i dunno, i fell asleep when they were discussing Hitchcock at Berkeley…

* Archer: if i'm such a loser, why'd you marry me?
Lana: i'm actually secretly in love with your mother. Malory's debasement of my race, ethnicity, and gender really turn me on. it's an ancient primal feeling i can't explain to you.

* Mr. Deadly: the ice cream's good, but do you have it in unicorn flavor? that butterfly had such a salty mouth cos it almost drowned at sea.
space pirates: they fact that we're gay make us MORE manly.

* space pirates: is this a kimono?
Ray: YAAAAAYYYY i'm finally gonna get a plot!

* Mr. Deadly: fine, let's do this. why are you holding up the peace sign? i told you i'm bad with gestures.
Cheryl: no, two cocks.

* Mr. Deadly: so you want to discuss our feelings now?
Cheryl: no, i fuck like a man. let me sleep now, supervisor!
Mr. Deadly: sorry about all the cum, i've been backed-up for like billions of years and it all just came out in one sitting.
Cheryl: tis my frothy morning vanilla shake.

* Mr. Deadly: what's your name?
Cheryl: i'm that mom in those shampoo commercials who butts into all of her neighbors' business. and especially her own daughter's business.

* Mr. Deadly: i can't believe you sacrificed your life to save mine. not all of humanity belongs in the space dump.
Lana: thank you but i kinda hoped Archer would have saved me after i jumped in front of you. oh well *sigh*

* Krieger: quick, Archer, throw the tennis ball!
Archer: i don't play anymore after the whole O.J. thing.
Malory: i'm cancelling your club membership, Sterling.

* Archer: we didn't cause that explosion and the loss of an entire civilization, right?
Krieger: actually, we were all on that space station that just exploded...
Cheryl: YAY the Fourth of July Fireworks came early!!!

Archer 1999 "Dining With The Zarglorp"

notes:

* okay Jillian Bell is cool and all, but THAT was Kate Winslet!

* imagine if that really was Kate Winslet providing the voice!

* Adam Reed: why didn't i have guest writers starting in Season 1!!? coulda made my life a WHOLE lot easier

* don't talk to me about the numbers, the numbers are going the wrong way...but then again, it doesn't really matter anymore, right?

* if The AV Club is willing to stick their necks out for this franchise they love more than their mothers and give this episode a C---a C!!!---you KNOW something went terribly wrong here.

* without reading the review, i'm thinking it goes something like this: guest writer tries to copy Adam Reed, it goes unsuccessfully...

* Cheryl: never write your own lyrics to songs. you can interpret the lyrics any way you want, but they must be the actual lyrics. also, if you use a reference, it HAS to be one you got from Wikipedia...

* Krieger: the space monster was here first...

* Cheryl: i left my purse in there! the one that made me Goth Carol!
Pam: when were you Goth Carol?
Cheryl: member? it was, like, way back in Season 2 or something.
Pam: right. when the show was still good and i wasn't a freak.

* Malory: i mean why don't i just fly away and never come back? why exactly do i keep staying with this crew?
Archer: cos you love me.
Malory: is there a drink in my hand?
Archer: no.
Malory: dammit!
Archer: anything can be a mixer...even my own mother's menstrual blood.
Adam Reed: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we're canceled.

* Ray: i'm just gonna eat the cake, i don't care anymore, dammit!
Adam: pssst, Ray, come over here. *hushed tones* the cake is a lie...

* Captain Glenda Price: i am Glenda The Good Witch.
Lana: emphasis on witch.

* crew and Pam: you smell like a diaper's coffin.
Price: funny you should say that...
Pam: you're wearing a diaper right now?
Cheryl: i'm coming right over...
Price: my crewmember's diaper actually...in tribute...

* Lana: you're gonna die alone.
Archer: harsh.
Lana: cos you're gonna shoot me dead accidentally one day.

* Lana: don't bomb the Zarglorp like it's Iran.
Archer: too soon...actually, too negative-soon.
Pam: i feel sorry for the big guy in space, he has a tumor, he's dying of cancer anyway.
Archer: so......does that mean we die with it in cancer? or we can escape after he's died of cancer?

* Price: the program lisitng for this episode said i was a life coach.
Cyril: yeah, that didn't really pan out.
Price: what's your life like?
Cyril: in every cartoon i always play the put-upon beta male. but i get rich doing it, so
Price: would you like to kill yourself today?
Cyril: today?

* Krieger: yes, i murdered my own son. but i saved my friends to do it.
Adam: i begged the studio to hold off on this episode till after Father's Day.
Krieger Head: I was the master, YOU'RE the clone! you idiot! you can't replicate me anymore! the dream of The Army of Electric Blood is over!

* Cheryl: pros and cons......all pro athletes are cons...

* Price: what kind of streets do you like?
Cyril: is this for my porn name or...?
Price: no, for the slipknot. something about Disney animals frolicking in the forest. looky here! looks like we got a traitor on our hands onboard! a gorilla in our midsts!
Ray: hey. okay okay i promise to drink the real nonrehydrated milk the next time! it's just i like the powder cos it reminds me of cocaine.
Pam: *cries*

* Price: so, i'm a fraud. all those heroic tales i tell myself are to distract my subconscious from the shattering realization that I was the monster all along, not the Zarglorp. they are like what good-looking was to Ted Bundy.
Archer: it's okay, it's not your fault, you were suffering from space-madness, anybody else would have done the same...………………….can you imagine Dahmer in space?

* Price: i'm currently dead. any chance of the character making a reappearance?
Adam: Kate Winslet's schedule is booked till the Tokyo Olympics.

* Lana: you didn't post her last, dying-wish video? you're an asshole, Archer.
Archer: hey i DID post the video on youtube. it's an unlisted video but it's there.

 * Cheryl/Carol: blink.....wait for long pause...fade to black credits…

Archer 1999 "The Leftovers"

notes:

* is this the first Archer episode NOT written by Adam? he did a good job, it was either a very-good imitation of Adam's writing or he did a good job all on his own, it's hard to tell

* Archer: haven't you ever wanted to fly using a jetpack when you were a little boy, Lana?
Lana: no. and that only works in the sky, not in the space sky.

* Cyril: there! there!
Archer: we can't see where you're pointing, dumbass!
Cyril: sure you can, aren't we all watching the same show?

* Archer: WAKE UP, PAM!!!
Pam: no, WAKE UP, ARCHER!!! can we PLEASE get back to the spying now?

* Archer: for sandwiches.

* Archer: why should i change now? i've been going hard and strong for 10 seasons!
Malory: have you seen the ratings? have you seen facebook? everyone hates us now, we aren't funny anymore, people have gotten sick of us.
guest writer: just to be clear, that is all ADAM's fault, i had nothing to do with the writing.

* Archer: i'm naming him Benedict.
Cheryl: cos he's cute like Cumberbatch, right? you want to eat him...or his eggs anyway. whole batch of eggs...i'll turn out to be the Arnold traitor in the end...

* Cyril: call me a party-pooper if you must but, like, you're eating this thing's babies, that's why it's so mad and feral and disgusting, think about it the next time you eat eggs, you're hurting that poor chicken's feelings.

* Krieger: *takes the pile of eggs* i'll FINALLY know what it's like to be a woman...

* Malory: why are you eating all the eggs?
Pam: facebook wants Cocaine Pam back.

* Lana: so you're just formaldehyde?
Malory: look at me. i'm a gilf, right? i'm still hot? i'm hot for my age?
Archer: definitely.
Malory: i haven't eaten anything since i did Follies on Broadway in 1934.
Archer: that's a long time ago cos this is 1999.

* Cyril: Jimmy Buffet's music is good.
Archer: no it is not! it never has been! it's just everybody listens to Jimmy Buffet music while they're drunk!

* Archer: you slept with Cyril?
Lana: yes.
Archer: did he keep his glasses on?

* Lana: we aren't funny anymore so we might as well attract viewers the old-fashioned way: with cartoon porn that is anything but old-fashioned.
guest writer: again, not my fault, i'm new here.

* Cheryl: i want to get eaten...not like that.
Krieger: seriously, what is wrong with you?
Cheryl: nothing. i just want to see the world burn.
Krieger: there won't be an Earth there when we get back home, huh?
Cheryl: you're welcome.

* Archer: it writes itself. "George Train Ran A Train Cos He Was Embarrassed Of His Middle Name Francis", there's your song title.
Ray: nothing writes itself! you know how long it took Lin-Manuel to write Hamilton?
Archer: there's no way that guy wrote that. you take one look at him and you know something stinks. William Shakespeare wrote Hamilton.

* Archer: i can't no more.
Lana: i said i wanted to jump your bones.
Archer: yeah but not literally! my ejaculate is literally dust! i am literally a skeleton! i can't conceive a child anymore! i thought this wasn't possible but you've oversexed me!
Lana: *crying* i'm thinking of Little Baby Seamus. he's still out there somewhere floating in space?
Archer: *crying* yep. and he ain't so little...

* Archer: WHY'D YOU KILL BENEDICT!!?
Cheryl: you said that musical sucked! stop yelling at me, you're not my supervisor!
Lana: Cheryl, you know that isn't your mucus, right? that's rubber cement.
Pam: you can't cook with rubber cement.
Cheryl: *stirring* give it a few minutes, the reduction will be ready in a moment.

* Pam: Patton eat my nuts!
Cyril: your nuts are bigger than mine.
Pam: i have a cloaca, it's just you can't see it cos it's a stone cloaca.
Archer: the best George S was Clinton, she had the stones to be prez.

* Archer: which minor character exploded just now?
Lana: Archer.
Archer: ouch. i'd rather be dead than a beta.

Archer 1999 "Happy Borthday"

notes:

* Bort: wouldn't it have been less confusing to name it Bortday? my name is Bort, not Borth. i do like broth tho. broth with bones in it. i'd just like to take this time to give a shout-out to all the veterans, D Day stemmed the tide and made it possible for the Earth to eventually conquer my planet. and believe me, my planet deserved it.

* that's a real date but not a real time...

* Pam: like if i had to be a creature, why not those cute Star Wars crystal ewoks or something?

* EMP=electrodance moshing party!

* Barry 6: i have a huge range of many emotions, it's just i was born with the wrong face...

* Archer: holy shitsnacks! IT'S ROBOT CHICKEN!!!
Seth Green: i don't want to talk about recent events.
Archer: Jesus Hannibal Christ.
Barry: wait, Jesus's middle name is Hannibal? that explains so much.
Archer: yeah, the whole Eat the Body of Me thing.

* Barry: wait, who has the nuclear football now?
Archer: someone who never played football...

* Archer: so i have an Oedipus complicated thing with my mom or something, so don't mind all the cum everywhere as i watch this fight.
Malory: quick, Sterling, use the cum to lube your wrists out of the cuffs!

* Archer: why'd you do it, Mother!!?
Malory: you've been peacocking in front of me your whole life, Sterling, it's mama's turn!!!

* Pam: my boner smells. but it makes sense, right? cos it's all about going to the bathroom...

* Barry: lose the armor, too, ladies, let's keep this GOT-realistic, gotta fill the void now.

* Krieger: wow, robot cum tastes like milk! did Philip K. Dick know about this? come to think of it, i look EXACTLY like Philip K. Dick!
Archer: Krieger, eat a bag of a buffet of dicks.
Krieger: yep yep yep. in fact i just may BE Philip K. Dick! who's the clone and who's the master here!!!?

* Barry: weenie roast.
Archer: remember the KROQ Weenie Roast in Los Angeles in the '80s? good times, good times, simpler times, nostalgic times.
Barry: you were alive then?
Archer: sure, i auditioned for Filmation He-Man and got a callback. one callback.
Malory: WAKE UP, ARCHER, YOU'RE DREAMING!!!

* Archer: so, do you teabag?
green alien babe: yes. but you can only do it once.
Archer: congratulations on the Asian representation on tv.
green alien babe: what, just cos i'm green you think i make green tea?

* Archer: it's all in the delivery.
Barry: thanks Jeff Bezos.
Archer: can't blame Jeff Bezos for everything.

* Ray: i better not just be eating cake this season. now i know how it feels to be a female character on any tv show.

* Malory: a mudslide with tits.
Pam: *after crying* wait, is that like a cocktail or something?

* Bort: why do i feel like Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons in the '80s?

* Barry's subordinate: joke's on you, boss, i can't die.

* Archer: cereal brings people together. worked for the Alien crew after that one dude lost a stomach.
silence
Archer: my mother touched my cock!
stunned silence
Pam: this is like that stunned silence Ricky Gervais elicited when he talked about rape in The Office.

* Pam: you know how at the end of every one of our episodes, there's this strange long pause of, like, 15 seconds? what is that?

* Durant: it's over. sorry, guys.