Degrassi "Hero vs. Villain" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Zoe: i'm a fabulous actress.
Lola: you are? i'm still new here, i only know you as a cheerleader.
Zoe: i'll put it to you this way: i'm not Zoe Rivas. this entire time i've just been playing Zoe Rivas. my real name is Tessa Campanelli.
Lola: fuckin'.

* Clare: i don't want to tell Drew. i don't want to tell Eli.
Alli: whom do you want to tell?
Clare: Mama Torres. this show's still a drama, right?

* Miles: where did you get this sushi?
Tristan: the gas station.
Miles: where did you get this origami?
Tristan: i bought it. it's the thought that counts, though, right?
Miles: where did you get that robe?
Tristan: i stole it out of your closet.
Miles: i love you.
Tristan: you're a horrible person.
Miles: where's my weed?

* Drew: are you stupid?!
Clare: no, i'm just not the best math student.

* Alli: i was gonna have sex with you, but now i'm not!
Dallas starts to cry.
Clare: whoa, whoa, whoa. Alli, that's just cold.

* Eli: Clare, you are a whore.
Clare: i'm interested to see how the Degrassi facebook page handles this. will they post a picture of you saying i'm a whore in big white letters?
Eli: ho ho ho
Clare: okay, i get it! when did you become such an unfeeling asshole?
Eli: no, hohoho, merry Christmas! how was your Christmas, Clare? did you get everything you were asking for?

* Zoe (holding Hunter by the scruff of his neck): well?
Hunter: hey, watch the neck flesh!
Zoe: well?
Hunter: i know not of the net flesh.

* Zoe takes a picture of Frankie's tits.
Frankie: what the fuck, you villain! you have irreparably violated me!
Zoe: relax, i'm posting this on the front page of our official cheerleading website, not Degrassi Nudes.

* Tristan: it's obvious you're still in love with Maya, i see how you look at her.
Miles: no, i just have a phone fetish.

* Principal Simpson: Zoe, my office.
Zoe (tears in her eyes): what for, sir?
Principal Simpson: i want to try those cupcakes of yours you're always raving about.

Degrassi "Something's Got To Give" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Grandma Baker: elbows off the table.
Drew: sorry.
Grandma Baker: do you like the taste of my pie? hey i said off the table!
Drew: yes, yes, sorry, i love your pie, i want to always be eating your sweet sweet pie, licking it all up with my tongue, it's just that i'm distracted looking at my phone, the baby just kicked.
Grandma Baker: i don't care about that, elbows off the table, you little bitch!

* Imogen: leaping lizards!
Jack (singing): and five golden rings...

* Miles's dad: are you lying to me to get out of trouble, son?
Miles: no.
Miles's dad: that's my boy! chip off the ol' politician block!

* detective: can you draw all of the stores and the cars in relation to said drawn stores?
Maya: no i can't. i'm not an artist, i can't draw. also, i'm crazy, you don't want me drawing what's in my head.

* Imogen: if you so readily flash your tits to anyone, how is it special when you flash them to me?
Jack: you get to hold them and touch them and squeeze them and jiggle them and lick them, not just pay to see them with an untraceable credit card.
Imogen: Eli, why are you suddenly covering up the crotch area of your pants with your hands?
Eli: i spilled some goth absinthe down there, that's all, i'll be right back, gotta go to the bathroom...

* nurse: not 12 weeks, 16 weeks.
Clare: well fuck me, Eli's the father.
nurse: hello, spoilers! i wanted to find out on Maury with everyone else. *sigh* oh well. still not as big a bombshell as Korrasami.
Clare: true, true.
nurse: still gonna keep the name Adam?
Clare: yeah, blood is thicker than absinthe.

Saturday Night Live Amy Adams / One Direction Episode Discussion

learned:

* Dr. Evil: that thing where you're happy to see him again but sad cos it reminds you of when this show was watercooler good, brimming with potential, filled with memorable characters played by trained actors and actors in training, stacked with writers who could change U.S. policy with their skit pencils.

* critic me: Wiig and Armisen are good, but they're no Jimmy and Justin.
me: i love Kristen Wiig cos she's hot. Fred Armisen's corpsing is warm and inviting, when you see him laugh, you join in and laugh to, together as a family, very Harvey Korman.
critic me: that's biased.
me: no i'm not racist, but i tend to think a human's worth is more in the feelings than the mind.
critic me: without your mind, we couldn't be carrying on this conversation right now.
me: touche. you won the argument. how do you feel about this?

* Christmas Serial: hard-hitting investigative analysis here. but remember, the UPS guy could be lying cos his company is in direct competition with Santa. so, Christmas magic is Satanism, right? i really need to watch Serial. or hear it. see it. i'm always behind on the latest trends, i'm always so busy typing up tv-show reviews, busy with busywork. this holiday break will afford me time for Serial, the Lego Batman movie i picked up before Nymphomaniac and of course a perennial Christmas tradition at our house, A Christmas Story 2. all while eating Christmas cereal.

* One Direction:
Harry: entering his Stevie Nicks phase, every lead singer of every band has the Stevie Nicks dream.
Zayn: actually gets more tail than Harry but has to keep that to himself or the whole dynamic of the band will crumble.
Louis: see how he's all bug-eyed pronouncing the lyrics? he is so sick of this shit.
Niall: the serious musician of the group, he plays acoustic guitar.
Liam: Liam? that's his name? had to look him up, poor boy. hey, it'll be okay, look at Ringo now.

* raccoon sisters: i loved this, Keep SNL Weird, the crazier the better. heck just invite Tim & Eric to host and go full anti-comedy. the furries loved this skit, too, but secretly they wanted the roles reversed...

* goodnights: and i thought Martin Freeman's goodnights last week were terse. what's going on this week that everyone doesn't want to be at work?

Degrassi "Hush" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Miles: hey i don't know if it's the camera angles or the black underwear or the light hitting on all my muscles or the devil-may-care expression on my face, but i look way hotter than normal when i'm a stoned mess like this.

* Tristan: this is an intervention.
Miles: pot isn't my problem, you guys are just jealous...of my pot.
Frankie: we care about you.
Miles: you flashed your tits for money, without being high!
Chewy: you're slacking, man.
Miles: you went online and berated a little kid with racial slurs!
Tristan: we're worried about you.
Miles: this isn't a gay thing, but Tristan, i hate you because you are fucking annoying!
Hunter: you're creepy, Miles...

* Maya: am i crazy?
Miles: nah, we're all a little crazy...you just happen to be crazier than everyone else.
Maya: i was diagnosed with a lot of anxiety.
Miles: here, have a pot cig, they help me relieve stress.

* Drew: i'm jealous of that guy Jonah. does he wear eyeliner?
Becky: it's guyliner, there's a difference. it's my eyeliner and i have to say it looks better on him than on me.
Drew: it's just that you two have that music-connection thing i don't have with you.
Becky: don't worry, you're Drew Torres, you and i have a chemistry that burns a brighter yellow than those blinding sun dresses i used to wear. what could go wrong? he's a musician.

* Jonah: i won't get fresh with you, i'm a man of faith now, i don't get into trouble.
Becky: get fresh? who says that anymore?
Jonah: channeling the original series...Becky, i'm sorry but i must get fresh with you.
Becky: what changed?
Jonah: i took a long look at your ass while we were performing at The Dot together. you were concentrating so hard on singing the right lyrics you didn't notice.

* Lola: be careful with my phone, i've named it Ryan Gosling.
Grace: i don't want to know where you put it when you're alone at night. oh, and Lola? kind of an unfortunate name considering our Degrassi storylines...

* Zoe: how does it feel to be roughed up by a group of girls in cheerleading outfits, weirdo?
Hunter: a-okay.

* Arlene: i was the doll.
Hunter: you're still a doll to me.
Arlene: i am the one.
Hunter: is this some chick thing where you're giving me code that you want me to propose to you?
Arlene: i was created as a character solely to set fire to this place. i won't have any other purpose going forward. i'm like Cam in this regard.
Hunter: who's Cam?

Saturday Night Live Martin Freeman / Charli XCX Episode Discussion

learned:

* i'm gonna wrap this show up with one tiny bow: nostalgia. many of the skits brought me back to earlier days in my life, happier times, or at least more innocent times, and for that, Show, i am grateful and bow.

* Sump'n Claus: love it, it's the participation trophy, it's the good kind of socialism. but you forgot one important person: Satan. Satan's gift. The Church Lady would be so disappointed.

* The Office: the good Office, the original one, the British one, the one that created Gervais who would later go on to revitalize the Muppets, the one that made eczema fashionable again, heartfelt songs on acoustic guitar were allowed to be not gay. it all came flooding back: the Scotch egg, the jello stapler, the MC Hammer shit dance. that show was the first comedy since, oh i dunno, The Cosby Show (i know but y'know), where i pored over every line and every motion, every scene of every episode, it was art i engulfed. got me reinterested in British comedy, in comedy in general (i was getting dark with the drama), and the touch of DVDs. made me check out old Monty Python youtubes i hadn't seen before.

* Church: as a (relapsed) Catholic, this struck me (down) as few skits ever have. i mean, it was pitch perfect about the liturgical Mass, awkward up-and-down tonal singing, that beautifully damned organ, tourists who cram the pews only on Christmas and Easter, the funky ways priests try to stay hip with their sermons, and the best part: sneaking a peek at Father's home built into the church as an adjacent wing like some underground bunker and only seeing the front-entrance table. oh my god that was classic! for decades i filled my free time wondering how exactly a priest's house looked like: what were the furnishings? did he have cross bedsheets and a mini stained glass window over the minibar? hey, did anyone else as an altarboy drink all that stored altar wine backstage before showtime or was that just me?

* Sasheer's emojis: fantastic. let her shine, Show, let her keep doing stuff like this, she's magnificent! as a recent instaaddict, i feel her completely: it's time for an Expansion 2.0 patch, time for a whole new set: i still can't believe there's no butterfly (caterpillar but no butterfly), no chess/checkers board nor pieces, no bubbles. i feel naked when i'm in the bubblebath and take a pic and post it to insta but can't add a bubbles symbol.

* Charli XCX: has an outstanding body. and looks like Lorde. so she's Randy Marsh. ya ya ya.

* cut for time: Santa Traps: santaburgers sound good right about now...

Law & Order SVU "Pattern Seventeen" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Carisi: i'm here...
Amaro: ...so i'm not.
Carisi: what? they can't put us in the same room together for fear of beating each other up?
Amaro: i'll never forgive you for that poo-pizza prank.
Carisi: hahahahahaha, gotta love nutella.

* Liv: what did it sound like?
victim: humming, like a church hymn, i didn't recognize it, though, i'm not very religious.
Carisi: isn't that a cross around your neck?
victim: no, it's spaghetti for the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Carisi: i love spaghetti! hey have you tried nutella spaghetti?
Liv: not now, Carisi.

* Liv: why am i here? why did i have to get dressed up?
roundtable: you are at the police roundtable, otherwise known as the Illuminati.
Liv: ah yes, i spot Gaga finally. sorry, girl, i left my egg in my other uniform pants.

* girl: mom, can they really do this to us?
mom: apparently, that's why i handed your phone over to them.
girl: how could you! don't you know a girl's phone is her life?
mom: what i saw on there was shocking, especially all the pics of firemen in casual settings.
girl: i'm a Bob's Burgers fan.

* judge: do you need to get that? you seem constantly distracted.
Liv: no, judge, i'm present, i'm turning off all electronics...right after i read all the online reviews of Peter Pan Live, this job is dark, i need a good laugh.

* Rollins: hello?
skeevy southern police chief: drinks later?
Rollins: no, i'm busy and you raped me.
skeevy southern police chief: now that's no way to treat a gentleman, little lady, it's not real proper like.
Rollins: y'know, just from your voice i'm imagining you right now ogling some woman's ass as we speak on the phone...

Degrassi "I'll Be Missing You" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Tristan: you're saying that I am the bad influence on Miles?
Chewy: in a word: yes.
Tristan: fuck you.
Chewy: Miles used to work hard/play hard. now all he does is play hard.
Tristan: he still works ME hard.
Chewy: fuck you, man, i'm still not over that.

Tristan: intervention? he'll hate us.
Chewy: got a better idea?
Tristan: no.
Frankie: intervention it is.
Tristan: lose the bitch, this is our concern.
Chewy: she's Miles's sister, remember? this intervention is for YOU.
Tristan: me?
Chewy: yeah, something has gone terribly wrong with your character...

Tristan: so smoking pot alone is fun?
Miles: yep. try it.
Tristan (tries it): huh, yeah, you're right.
Miles: there's one way we can prove to everyone at home and at school that we're okay. we must complete this homework assignment together. who's ready for some school?!
Tristan: i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know where i am anymore, my character is gone.
Miles: see? good thing.

* Zoe picks up the doll.
doll: i'm Talky Tina and i love you.
Zoe: should i be terrified? i'm too young to know this reference.

Zoe: we make the best cupcakes, sir!
Principal Simpson: are cupcakes you crazy kids' lingo for showing your boobs online?
Zoe: how did you find out?
Principal Simpson: hey, i'm the cool principal, remember? the relatable one. i watch porn at home just like all you crazy cool kids do.

Grace: i'm the greatest hacker in the world. it's 100% untraceable...wait, i just got hacked...by some guy by the handle of Snowden...he's kinda cute...
Zoe: i've got a secret.
Grace: you wouldn't say that unless you were desperately burning to spill the beans.
Zoe: i'm the one who sent the doll.
Grace: but why?
Zoe: it's always the one you least suspect...yeah i don't have a lot of friends, i'm just really bored.

* Connor: Alli, are you gonna go to Stephen Hawking's school? (talks in a robot voice) i am Stephen Hawking, i have a robot voice.
Dallas: dude, that's offensive.
Connor: no, i'm just repeating the trailer i saw for that Hawking movie coming out. that dude is gonna win the Oscar, book it.

Alli: what i'm saying is i don't want to have sex.
Dallas: with me?
Alli: with anyone other than me.
Dallas: i get it, so we're broken up?
Alli: i love you.
Dallas: i'm confused. you have fucked other guys.
Alli: i love you too much to ever sleep with you. our love is pure.
Dallas: oh, thanks.
Alli: i have some sex hangups. messy past, you get it, right? will you wait for me?
Dallas: how long?
Alli: for eternity, like our eternal love.
Dallas: oh.

Dallas: hey, you like it when i touch that?
Alli: oh yeah.
Dallas: like it when i touch this button?
Alli: fuck yeah.
Dallas: like it when i slide my stylus hard to the right like this?
Alli: I'M GONNA FUCKING CUM!!!
Dallas: come from where? you're already here. okay, we're at the main screen now...

Saturday Night Live James Franco / Nicki Minaj Episode Discussion

learned:

* Peter Pan Live: YES YES YES. ever since Walken's legendary performance, i was hoping they'd skewer it this week and they did. the one perk of having a live show, you can do stuff like this spur-of-the-moment when events dictate that you couldn't do with a show taped three months before. long live live South Park! Hader connection, see what i did there? no i won't go home, i'm not drunk, but they should have had Drunk Uncle play Captain Hook, that would have been the tastiest skewer.

* Star Wars: all SNL skits from now on should be filmed in this filmic quality. they have the budget for it, right? just clean house with the cast members again, everyone wants that anyway. have only Wiig and Sudeikis do all the skits, that would save money. no guest hosts, no music, if you want music, listen to the phonograph in the attic. still one more year to go, huh? don't know if my lightsaber can stay erect for that long, it's already skinny to begin with...in mirroring the original '70s lightsabers. a flaccid lightsaber might as well be a slingshot.

* Grow a Guy: YES YES YES. thank you, Show, you finally actually aired one of your good indie-comedy segments that you usually surprise us with dumping it in the cut-for-time section of hulu a week later. liked this one, very sci-fi, existential, slimy, like a Nickelodeon/Sarah Jane Adventures after-school special on how to deal with bullies.

* Pete Davidson's head: a very good place to be. this skit was great because it was what we call in the business "high concept". i love high concept, always do high concept, never do cheap, low-concept skits, Show, always strive for grandeur and complication. the cast members acting as thoughts, memories, feelings of Pete inside his brain was very esoteric, learned, and yes, sci-fi. this is smart comedy at its finest. the skit itself was run-of-the-mill but the concept of it was fantastic, a fantastic voyage.

* Nicki Minaj: like Beyonce at the Super Bowl, this was my first exposure to this artist's actual music instead of knowing her only for "being a celebrity." i have to say, i liked her. there will not be an Iggy butt comparison here, it's about the music after all. her first song was beautifully accompanied by a beautiful woman with beautiful tats who stroked those ivories beautifully. the second song took me back and aback. it was rap at its basic talky roots. it was rather more like Beat poetry than traditional hip-hop with a metered, continuous electronic beat background. it was confessional and raw and didn't seem rehearsed, it seemed organic about her life, i appreciated that.

* Kyle Mooney: so it says here i am to kiss the guest this week. yes! pucker up, Nicki!
Lorne: it's actually gonna be James Franco. host, not musical guest.
Kyle: oh.
Lorne: it's still gonna be fun.
Kyle: yeah, i guess...actually, yeah, the more i think about it, it will be fun...a different kind of fun, but fun.

* who knew depositing soiled trunks in the woods was so hilarious?

Degrassi "(You Drive Me) Crazy" Episode Discussion

learned:

* there are so many good songs with Crazy in the title. coincidence?

* booty shot of Maya. necessary in furthering the story? gratuitous? coincidence?

* Zoe: you drunk hippo!
Maya: what, what is that?
Zoe: i know it's lame, but i'm not allowed to say fuck and shit like i'd like to.
Maya: we're pretty good, we're lenient, we're Canadian, but we're still not quite British. at least we're not American.

* Grace: what, did you think we get high at noon in the afternoon?
Maya: well this is Degrassi and we are teenagers at Degrassi.
Grace: by the way, do you like the rapid-fire understated way i talk?
Maya: yeah, it's unique. i'm worried about Miles. he's the crazy one, he's the one who jumps every time i dream of him every night for the rest of my life.
Grace: i'm gonna be a pro hacker when i grow up so let's just break into his facebook. there, his password by the way is MAYA LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
Maya: omg, it says here that Miles wants to kill himself.
Grace: that's just an expression. well, usually. sorry, I know, sorry, Cam, I mean He Who Shall Not Be Named.
Zig: i think i mastered the White Crane.
Grace: that's racist.
Maya: STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY!!!
Zig: nice, love that movie.
Maya: no, that's gonna be my approach with Miles...

* Hunter: i want to destroy all of the cheerleaders...in my art.
Frankie: and thus the eternally muddy waters of free speech vs. what is considered too dark in art.
Hunter: i thought your naked boobs were hot.
Frankie: what?
Hunter: ...IN MY ART, IN MY ART!!!

* Imogen: i don't want to bed you.
Eli: hear that?
Imogen: no.
Eli: that's the sound of my cappuccino machine, and the sound of a million fanfiction-writers' hearts breaking. you agreed to polyamory?
Imogen: i thought that was the hipster thing to do.
Eli: wanna marathon a tv series with me? my new favorite show is Wild Grinders. there's a character on there, Emo Crys, i really relate to him.
Imogen: please, Trent, come out with a new NIN album soon, our boy needs help.
Eli: polyamory, that's a good song but in real-life practice, polyamory is terrible.
Imogen: i know. i'll call up Jack. Jack? hi. i think the reason you're "polyamorous" is cos you're scared of commitment.
Jack: you're right. wait, so is there really such a thing as polyamory?
Imogen: not in media. i'm not really bisexual and my favorite band is Erasure.

* Maya: Zig, i think i'm crazy.
Zig: i didn't want to say anything until you said it.
Maya: got any more of those romantic midnight lullabies?
Zig: as a member of this show, i'm contractually obligated to sing only Drake.