notes:
* well that got disturbing and uncomfortable at the end
* other candidates for this episode's title: "Ghost Cube", "Wake Up, Archer"
* not Elisha Cuthbert
* Pam: you're a buzzkill.
Lana: i can cut peaches on my ass. my buttocks is a buzzsaw.
* Cheryl: ambergris?
Archer: no that's that Bob's Burgers episode.
* a ranch tub was first featured on the Eric Andre Show...man do i want the Eric Andre Show to come back...
* Malory: ranch? oh you mean white cocktail sauce.
* Cyril: so this is the cube from that Filter video for "Welcome To the Fold".
Archer: i give you credit you know that.
Cyril: you can tell Adam Reed has a pen in his hand at all times writing these scripts, there is always much dialogue about pens.
Archer: penis?
Cyril: hey did you see the Rick + Morty Season 4 trailer i was in at Comic-Con this San Diego?
Archer: um, we weren't invited back to Comic Con. it's not looking good for Season 11...
* if the mirror smiles back at you, is it a mirror?...
* Krieger: throw a fork at it...okay it only works with a spork...
Cheryl: i'm done...sorry, delayed reaction.
* Cheryl: i have fillings...in my vagina...(i also have feelings in my vagina)
* Cheryl: *muffled* having my head in here reminds me of that San Francisco sex dungeon i went to...
* Lana: Archer...no ideas with Cheryl when she's in this vulnerable position, okay?
* Malory: ghosts or magnets, what doth life?
Malory: the only ghost is me...
* Archer: that's a pretty neato scanner you got there, it can do everything!
Krieger: thanks Obama Picard.
* Ray: so what was it like in there?
Cheryl: *munching down on some Wild Berry Froot Loops* oh yeah, so we're all in Archer's dream right now...
* Cyril: before we all eat, let us give grace to the Rain Replicant…*dove flies in space*...
* Krieger: i need a shitload of sanitizing wipes......i eat a lot of barbecue chicken...Kansas-City-style...
Pam: DIBS ON RIBS!!!
* Cyril: *dismissive laugh* what's with the gun?
Ray: it's a silver pistol, i'm doing my best Errol Flynn impression.
* Archer: want me to push you into this locker, Cyril?
Cyril: no, i'll take the foothole, high-school trauma is too much to bear again. i couldn't sing when the basketball players came over.
Archer: whoa! you're a space whore, Lana!
Lana: what the? i'm just wearing my office clothes!
Archer: i'm starting to see things.
Lana: i told you, Vanquish, not Vicodin.
* Michael Gray: i'm Tv's Michael Gray.
Archer: what's a tv?
Michael Gray: you know, i'm related to Linda Gray, the famed '80s voiceover artist?
Archer: like Care Bears?
Michael Gray: NOW we're communicating!
* Pam: wait, is the monster dreaming of Fat Coke Pam or is it the other way around?
* Lana: damn dude! i never thought this show would get so violent against women in this time! next time, let's just read the nudie magazine together! oh, and we're definitely getting a divorce!
* Adam Reed: let's slip in a couple of "space phrasing" jokes in this intense section to lighten the mood.
Pam: what's the code!!?
Krieger: my birthday! but i don't have a birthday! i'm a clone!
Cheryl: hey, so you're a Ken doll, right? no probs, just grow two penises...
* Pam: this is so sad. under other circumstances, i'd take that tit grab as a marriage proposal from you, Archer.
Archer: *weird eyes*
Pam: how do you like them apples?
Archer: Adam's apples?
* me: now we know this whole time MALORY was the one in charge!
Malory: HBIC...…...i don't even know what that millennial term means…
* spoiler: George Coe has been alive this whole time...
George Coe: spoiler: Archer was really Robert De Niro this whole time...
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Archer 1999 "Space Pirates"
notes:
* two more left. Adam Reed is giving us August so we can have that last gasp of summer at camp before fucking school starts.
* i know this cos they're reviving Bug Juice on Disney Channel...but now it's just a bunch of babies, none of that tween assault and battery and breaking and entering and illegal entry we had in Season 3...
* the D'in: the alien race should have been called the Suppressing Fire
* btw, have you noticed all alien races on space shows on tv all have that apostrophe in their name?
* Malory: the last time i drank beer, Picard ate pizza...
* Archer: after space travel and exploration, you want to go back to your 9-to-5s?
Lana: yeah, they raised the minimum wage to 15.
Krieger: i almost stopped Apollo 11...
* Archer: everyone on 3, SPACE PIRATES!!!
Pam: what do you think this is, space camp?
* Pam: btw, my tits are retractable.
Lana: i wish i had used that excuse when i was a tween.
* Archer: this group of aliens, are they important?
Cyril: for continuity, no, for the country, apparently not. you see all of this is your dream. you are one HEAVY sleeper.
Adam Reed: why did we even bother to name them?
Archer: so we dress up as them and speak their language. remember, NO ENGLISH.
Cyril: imagine the country as a utopia.
* Lana: please, show, don't turn me into a woman whose only purpose in life is to have babies. i'll even go back to angry black woman if i have to...
* this episode brought to you by Glade
* Cyril: hey, no gender-roles-switching on my watch!
Cheryl: Cheryl and Cyril, why didn't they think of this sooner? why don't you want me sexually-harassing you? look at me, i'm hot. is it cos it's the workplace?
Cyril: no, i'm saving myself for Lana. this show hasn't been a workplace since we had an office. remember when we were a spy show?
* Archer: it's okay, Lana, you can take off your shirt, we'll rub them out in editing.
* okay RAY! RAY FINALLY gets his moment to shine!
* Archer: ugh Ray! that's disgusting! you need to get off Instagram!
Ray: what? that's the first black hole ever photographed in the entire universe. i'm serious!
* Malory: you're breaking up...krrghghhghkekrkkr…
* Cyril: i mean, all they had to do was plug the hole in the Death Star, i could have done it myself.
Cheryl: with your junk? you'd at least need the double-dick of that white alien guy from before July 4th.
* Archer: lowercase a. a person who wields arrows…
* Lana: if a wild animal bites your finger, that means it likes you. no i'm serious, it wants to latch onto you...
* Archer: oh great here we go! the waning years of any sitcom, first you add the cousin from out-of-town, then you add the mascot…
Tom: hey, Toonami was saved by my slug mascot!
* Archer: look, i know this a bad situation, we're in the garbage. but these are French aliens, this is actually a giant bidet, how cool is that?
Cyril: THAT's what they're speaking?
Pam: i speak French, everytime i fuck.
* Archer: oh shit, my pet space ocelot brought backup. never has The Circle of Life been so scary.
Lana: i am NOT gonna sing the Lion King chant.
* writers room: um, how are we gonna maintain continuity with this one? one ocelot fine, but...
Adam Reed: i'm thinking hard reset for Season 11...
* we all know Pam's ex is Robert De Niro...
* two more left. Adam Reed is giving us August so we can have that last gasp of summer at camp before fucking school starts.
* i know this cos they're reviving Bug Juice on Disney Channel...but now it's just a bunch of babies, none of that tween assault and battery and breaking and entering and illegal entry we had in Season 3...
* the D'in: the alien race should have been called the Suppressing Fire
* btw, have you noticed all alien races on space shows on tv all have that apostrophe in their name?
* Malory: the last time i drank beer, Picard ate pizza...
* Archer: after space travel and exploration, you want to go back to your 9-to-5s?
Lana: yeah, they raised the minimum wage to 15.
Krieger: i almost stopped Apollo 11...
* Archer: everyone on 3, SPACE PIRATES!!!
Pam: what do you think this is, space camp?
* Pam: btw, my tits are retractable.
Lana: i wish i had used that excuse when i was a tween.
* Archer: this group of aliens, are they important?
Cyril: for continuity, no, for the country, apparently not. you see all of this is your dream. you are one HEAVY sleeper.
Adam Reed: why did we even bother to name them?
Archer: so we dress up as them and speak their language. remember, NO ENGLISH.
Cyril: imagine the country as a utopia.
* Lana: please, show, don't turn me into a woman whose only purpose in life is to have babies. i'll even go back to angry black woman if i have to...
* this episode brought to you by Glade
* Cyril: hey, no gender-roles-switching on my watch!
Cheryl: Cheryl and Cyril, why didn't they think of this sooner? why don't you want me sexually-harassing you? look at me, i'm hot. is it cos it's the workplace?
Cyril: no, i'm saving myself for Lana. this show hasn't been a workplace since we had an office. remember when we were a spy show?
* Archer: it's okay, Lana, you can take off your shirt, we'll rub them out in editing.
* okay RAY! RAY FINALLY gets his moment to shine!
* Archer: ugh Ray! that's disgusting! you need to get off Instagram!
Ray: what? that's the first black hole ever photographed in the entire universe. i'm serious!
* Malory: you're breaking up...krrghghhghkekrkkr…
* Cyril: i mean, all they had to do was plug the hole in the Death Star, i could have done it myself.
Cheryl: with your junk? you'd at least need the double-dick of that white alien guy from before July 4th.
* Archer: lowercase a. a person who wields arrows…
* Lana: if a wild animal bites your finger, that means it likes you. no i'm serious, it wants to latch onto you...
* Archer: oh great here we go! the waning years of any sitcom, first you add the cousin from out-of-town, then you add the mascot…
Tom: hey, Toonami was saved by my slug mascot!
* Archer: look, i know this a bad situation, we're in the garbage. but these are French aliens, this is actually a giant bidet, how cool is that?
Cyril: THAT's what they're speaking?
Pam: i speak French, everytime i fuck.
* Archer: oh shit, my pet space ocelot brought backup. never has The Circle of Life been so scary.
Lana: i am NOT gonna sing the Lion King chant.
* writers room: um, how are we gonna maintain continuity with this one? one ocelot fine, but...
Adam Reed: i'm thinking hard reset for Season 11...
* we all know Pam's ex is Robert De Niro...
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Archer 1999 "Road Trip"
notes:
* ROAD TRIP!!!
* i'm assuming this will be better than the movie...i never saw the movie...watching the Trapt music video for "Echo" is enough...that was Trapt's best song BY FAR
* spoilers: it is. takes awhile to warm up but it is
* Lana: i'm not angry, you're just dumb.
Archer: maraschino cherries?
Lana: nope. just the McDonald's cherries they put on those nutty sundaes.
* after the crash:
Archer: saved the lemon.
Lana: is that a swipe at my puckered asshole?
* Krieger: good news everyone!...Season 11!
* Krieger: eventually...
Lana: everything's eventually...
* Pam: you're a dick!
Archer: no you're a dick. like, you're a big dick, right?
Pam: no i'm a rock-monster thingee!
* Archer: what's your number?
Lana: my number?
Archer: your sleep number. measuring out our honeymoon suite.
* Ray: want me to freshen up your sour?
Malory: yes, please, dear, you're the sweetest. what flavor is this?
Ray: cake-flavored.
* Cyril: hey, at least i'm not as useless as Ray!
* you know one of the animators was figuring out Archer's hair with the mix-n-match palette and the model came back without hair and Adam Reed's like, "fuck it, i can't choose, just leave him bald..."
* Lana: well well well, we now know the cause of all of Archer's angsty assholery all these years: he's had lice in his hair this whole time!
* Archer: oh no. okay cancel the show then. we are NOT entertaining Beta Archer any longer!
rest of the world (and universe): we want the Beta Archer series! we want to learn poetry!
* Cyril: this is insane. this is impossible. this is illogical.
Krieger: put away your Vulcan ears. it's the multiverse.
Adam Reed: over my dead body will Joss Whedon ever touch this my creation!
* Cyril: hey this is like that Star Trek Final Earth Wars episode...
Archer: the 4400...always such an odd number...
Cyril: the Ood...oh, NOW i get it!
* Krieger: that was more gory than Attack on Titan!
Archer: you knew about the Nazi labor camp next door when you were working in your lab, right, Krieger?
Krieger: no! i swear! i was too self-absorbed to ever look up!
Archer: i believe him.
* Archer: i'm not only the president, i'm also a member.
Pam: member *chuckles*
Lana: this show of all shows, PLEASE don't turn me into the angry black woman!
Cheryl: so i'm gonna fuck my own doppelganger. anyone else? want to watch or join in?
Pam: missed opportunity: i could have seen how my Pam doppelganger looked this season without the rock monster!
* blue dinosaur: yes it's me! from the '80s cartoon you watched! remember? you bought my toy. you flushed my spiked horned helmet down the toilet...mom got so mad…
* The Culling: Wes Cullen, if you're out there, i love you, boy, i still think you can be the next Leo DiCaprio...
* Cheryl: The Culling...also known as the USWNT pee test...
* okay that was novel and cool. using the ship's rocket-fuel-launcher fire blasts to singe and incinerate the poor dinosaur's head off...
* Malory: we're gonna do business with the insurance company the Trump way...
* Archer: wait, that was a CLONE!!? that means Beta Archer is ME!!!
Lana: you have a soft spot, you're just acting in front of the camera. i'm not an idiot, that's why i married you.
Archer: what did you do with our wedding photo album? i need to confirm.
Lana: who keeps photo albums anymore?
* ROAD TRIP!!!
* i'm assuming this will be better than the movie...i never saw the movie...watching the Trapt music video for "Echo" is enough...that was Trapt's best song BY FAR
* spoilers: it is. takes awhile to warm up but it is
* Lana: i'm not angry, you're just dumb.
Archer: maraschino cherries?
Lana: nope. just the McDonald's cherries they put on those nutty sundaes.
* after the crash:
Archer: saved the lemon.
Lana: is that a swipe at my puckered asshole?
* Krieger: good news everyone!...Season 11!
* Krieger: eventually...
Lana: everything's eventually...
* Pam: you're a dick!
Archer: no you're a dick. like, you're a big dick, right?
Pam: no i'm a rock-monster thingee!
* Archer: what's your number?
Lana: my number?
Archer: your sleep number. measuring out our honeymoon suite.
* Ray: want me to freshen up your sour?
Malory: yes, please, dear, you're the sweetest. what flavor is this?
Ray: cake-flavored.
* Cyril: hey, at least i'm not as useless as Ray!
* you know one of the animators was figuring out Archer's hair with the mix-n-match palette and the model came back without hair and Adam Reed's like, "fuck it, i can't choose, just leave him bald..."
* Lana: well well well, we now know the cause of all of Archer's angsty assholery all these years: he's had lice in his hair this whole time!
* Archer: oh no. okay cancel the show then. we are NOT entertaining Beta Archer any longer!
rest of the world (and universe): we want the Beta Archer series! we want to learn poetry!
* Cyril: this is insane. this is impossible. this is illogical.
Krieger: put away your Vulcan ears. it's the multiverse.
Adam Reed: over my dead body will Joss Whedon ever touch this my creation!
* Cyril: hey this is like that Star Trek Final Earth Wars episode...
Archer: the 4400...always such an odd number...
Cyril: the Ood...oh, NOW i get it!
* Krieger: that was more gory than Attack on Titan!
Archer: you knew about the Nazi labor camp next door when you were working in your lab, right, Krieger?
Krieger: no! i swear! i was too self-absorbed to ever look up!
Archer: i believe him.
* Archer: i'm not only the president, i'm also a member.
Pam: member *chuckles*
Lana: this show of all shows, PLEASE don't turn me into the angry black woman!
Cheryl: so i'm gonna fuck my own doppelganger. anyone else? want to watch or join in?
Pam: missed opportunity: i could have seen how my Pam doppelganger looked this season without the rock monster!
* blue dinosaur: yes it's me! from the '80s cartoon you watched! remember? you bought my toy. you flushed my spiked horned helmet down the toilet...mom got so mad…
* The Culling: Wes Cullen, if you're out there, i love you, boy, i still think you can be the next Leo DiCaprio...
* Cheryl: The Culling...also known as the USWNT pee test...
* okay that was novel and cool. using the ship's rocket-fuel-launcher fire blasts to singe and incinerate the poor dinosaur's head off...
* Malory: we're gonna do business with the insurance company the Trump way...
* Archer: wait, that was a CLONE!!? that means Beta Archer is ME!!!
Lana: you have a soft spot, you're just acting in front of the camera. i'm not an idiot, that's why i married you.
Archer: what did you do with our wedding photo album? i need to confirm.
Lana: who keeps photo albums anymore?
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