learned:
* Steven, i love you, but Twice Upon a Time is about the most hackneyed title of all time, times two. literally ANYTHING would have been better. my humble contribution:
Time is Now
* okay so first impressions, this fell flat. not like the Doctor falling. it was all bland. the big bad was a big good so what are you supposed to do with that. literally no stakes. while the Christmas Truce is always a tearjerker---"Silent Night" will never be the same---i think cos i knew about this history prior it didn't hit me as hard as it would have if this had been my first Christmas Truce. literally those spoilers River Song keeps warning us about. there really was no point in the First Doctor being there. it would have been cooler (sorry) if William Hartnell had shown up. now you know when the show wants you to cry, that was the final scenes with the companions. and Clara (sorry). just didn't land. i generally like that girl named Bill, and i grew to enjoy Nardole immensely, but i dunno. but it's the type of scene that gets more sentimental as it fades from your memory and you reflect on it more i suppose. to all the paid plaudits arguing how emotional the whole thing was, how much does tears in a bottle cost? online eyes require no prescription glasses. the Regeneration was lame in the sense that it wasn't grand enough for Capaldi's exit. though i did bawl like a baby when he says, "Doctor, I let you go." that one line from the new Doctor is a bit of a cockblock innit.
* all that being said, i was kind. i rewound.
* i am literally being transported back in time!..................oh
* i would like to watch the old B&W Doctor Whos but the '70s ones are too groovy.
* William Hartnell: Regeneration? poppycock. just admit i was a hellion on set and you refused to renew my contract.
* how does Mark Gatiss weasel his way into every one of these things?
* Doctor: you died a Cyberman.
Bill: if i have all of Bill's memories, i am essentially Bill.
Doctor: like i said, you're a computer.
* Doctor Who: who are you?
glass model: very funny.
Bill: Beyoncé? is that you?
glass model: yes but i don't want my fans knowing i'm fragile.
* Gatiss: if only i spoke German.............i would be ruling the world now...
* Gatiss: excuse me, did you say World War I, not the Great War?
Capaldi: yes. sorry. my wife keeps nagging me about this. i keep forgetting you haven't heard of World War 3 yet.
* First Doctor: okay, here comes the required scene where we compare TARDISes. i like my original version better cos it's white.
Capaldi: you really need to stop saying things like that.
* First Doctor: what happened to Polly?
Capaldi: the parrot?
* First Doctor: i thought I was the center of the universe.
Capaldi: same response.
* Capaldi: hi, Rusty.
Rusty: no i really am rusty. i haven't been oiled in centuries. you are the good Dalek.
Capaldi: not according to my kids. i missed a lot of time with them filming this bloody show.
* Rusty: oh shit i remember New Earth! with those freaky cat-nurses, fuck they gave me nightmares.
* Capaldi: is this your Testimony?
Moffat: yes. i admit i sent out that tweet. i just couldn't take it anymore.
* First Doctor: so there's no enemy to fight?
Capaldi: well there's always old age.
* Gatiss: look after my family for me. my name is...
Capaldi: don't tell me. it's too long. you have four names?
* the enemy soldiers start singing "Silent Night" in unison but screw up the lyrics when they get to the lesser-known second verse and that causes them to fire at each other again...
* Capaldi: Clara. i remember now. a raven ate you or something.
Clara: please stop smiling, you have weird teeth.
* Capaldi: what will you do now, Nardole?
Nardole: go back to my old job being a hardboiled egg.
* the music swells. this is the weepie part.
* Bill and Nardole: tell us about your life.
Capaldi: fuck you.
Bill and Nardole: that's the doctor we know and love.
* Capaldi: i promised myself i wouldn't cry. and i didn't.
* Capaldi: i want that electric guitar. that was Bono's until his strange decision to take up the megaphone.
* i thought she said, "blimey".
* Jodie: why'd you have the make the first woman the 13th?
* Jodie: i can't wear a ring. i'm divorced from Meghan Markle.
* alt-cave man: hahahaha. see? the TARDIS spit her out!
Chibnall: give me a break, this was the first scene i've ever written.
* will the facebook comments ever go back to talking about the actual episodes instead of the eternal shitposting of weird neanderthal fantasies, that is the real question.
* i am so pumped for Sarah Jane Adventures II!
* as much as i want to see hot lesbian sex, or a powerful woman having her way with a subservient male, or general alien porn throughout the galaxy, i have a feeling this show will get even more kid-friendly. as in the Companions will be like her kids.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Past, Presents, and Future"
learned:
* Chrysti Ane: so i'm basically the main character now. makes sense. i mean it just can't be Brody.
* i can't believe this, but i don't think i've ever seen past, presents, and future used as a Christmas title anywhere before. that is extraordinary if true. checking now...
* Sarah: what are you doing, Preston?
Preston: some reference to the Japanese show. weird fingergun salute dance. or i have a tic.
* Redbot: how did you know what i wanted for Christmas?
Sarah: i've been stalking your metal ass like a motherfucker.
* Chip Lynne: we really didn't get you anything, Chrysti Ane. you have to agree to the settlement first.
* Cleocatra: Cat O'Clock was my favorite cousin.
Hayley: be honest.
Cleocatra: okay we were lovers.
Hayley: thattagirl
* Cleocatra: let me remind you what you did to him...
Calvin: no, please don't. we don't want this being a clip show.
* Sarah: what are you doing here, Santa?
Santa: i'm not a dirty old man living in my car.
* Santa: Sarah, i am Santa Claus and i am ordering you to kill that monster.
* Sarah: i have to find moments where my friends were alone. that's the stalker way i mean that's the Ranger Way.
* Sarah: whoa. you really are me in the future. i really am as hot as people say. i do look like a porn star. hey, do you want to fuck? i've always wanted to try that.
* Sarah: Levi, it's hard to explain, but you're a Power Ranger.
Levi: my name is Aiden. wait why did i just tell you that?
manager: hey remember me? your manager in the black cowboy hat? why was i only on for a few episodes and dropped like hot garabage? is it cos i'm black?
Levi: no, it's just...you became a wholly irrelevant and useless character.
black manager: yeah but you could have written for me. the writers could have used me if they really wanted to.
* Preston: if you want to touch this tree you gotta put a ribbon on it.
lumberjack: or a ring.
* Chip: wait we had to rebuild that whole complicated ribbontree set just for a couple of seconds? that's coming out of your settlement, Sarah.
* Santa: um, Sarah, can i have a snack? i'm feeling peckish.
Sarah: this is no time to think about food, Santa! the fate of the universe is at stake.
Santa: okay then how about a little peck on the cheek? can i nibble your ear? one kiss.
Chip: i rewrote the script and added the above dialogue.
Santa: i said write a kiss for me or i'm not doing it. there are plenty other specials i'm in demand for this time of year.
* Sarah: i'm in the same boat as you.
Brody: when i act Chip tells me i'm on the Titanic.
Sarah: trust me. i'm not Madame Odius or anyone pretending to be Sarah. i didn't put a spell on myself to try and recapture my lost youth and beauty or anything...
* Gigantified Rangers, can't believe no one ever thought of that before
* Brody: what was that thing you did just then, Robo Red?
Robo Red: put my hand to the back of my head and leaned back. i get lonely sometimes when you don't call.
* merry Christmas, kitty litter! i'm gonna use that at my next office Christmas party.
* Brody: show's over, Ninjas win. even though the show and the ship exploded.
* Sarah: i can't believe you guys really didn't get me a gift.
Rangers and Chip: we just all figured your booty is our collective gift.
Sarah: it's a good thing there's a medieval stove and pot here in the garage. btw this will also serve as our Christmas dinner.
Preston: we don't remember you taking our Power Stars, wink wink.
Sarah: it's okay. the real reason for the season is my love for you guys. bring it in.
Preston: so you're in love with me? you just stated it, it's on the record.
Rangers: just kidding! of course we got you something, Sarah.
Sarah: *looks outside* oh...it's just the dirty old man who lives in his sled and likes to scan up and down my body with his eyes. i thought maybe my estranged father had come back to me.
Santa: hello, Sarah, i am your daddy.
Santa: ho ho ho
Sarah: why did you look at me when you said that?
Santa: i'm essentially kidnapping you you know this.
Sarah: the woman always holds the reigns...
* Chrysti Ane: so i'm basically the main character now. makes sense. i mean it just can't be Brody.
* i can't believe this, but i don't think i've ever seen past, presents, and future used as a Christmas title anywhere before. that is extraordinary if true. checking now...
* Sarah: what are you doing, Preston?
Preston: some reference to the Japanese show. weird fingergun salute dance. or i have a tic.
* Redbot: how did you know what i wanted for Christmas?
Sarah: i've been stalking your metal ass like a motherfucker.
* Chip Lynne: we really didn't get you anything, Chrysti Ane. you have to agree to the settlement first.
* Cleocatra: Cat O'Clock was my favorite cousin.
Hayley: be honest.
Cleocatra: okay we were lovers.
Hayley: thattagirl
* Cleocatra: let me remind you what you did to him...
Calvin: no, please don't. we don't want this being a clip show.
* Sarah: what are you doing here, Santa?
Santa: i'm not a dirty old man living in my car.
* Santa: Sarah, i am Santa Claus and i am ordering you to kill that monster.
* Sarah: i have to find moments where my friends were alone. that's the stalker way i mean that's the Ranger Way.
* Sarah: whoa. you really are me in the future. i really am as hot as people say. i do look like a porn star. hey, do you want to fuck? i've always wanted to try that.
* Sarah: Levi, it's hard to explain, but you're a Power Ranger.
Levi: my name is Aiden. wait why did i just tell you that?
manager: hey remember me? your manager in the black cowboy hat? why was i only on for a few episodes and dropped like hot garabage? is it cos i'm black?
Levi: no, it's just...you became a wholly irrelevant and useless character.
black manager: yeah but you could have written for me. the writers could have used me if they really wanted to.
* Preston: if you want to touch this tree you gotta put a ribbon on it.
lumberjack: or a ring.
* Chip: wait we had to rebuild that whole complicated ribbontree set just for a couple of seconds? that's coming out of your settlement, Sarah.
* Santa: um, Sarah, can i have a snack? i'm feeling peckish.
Sarah: this is no time to think about food, Santa! the fate of the universe is at stake.
Santa: okay then how about a little peck on the cheek? can i nibble your ear? one kiss.
Chip: i rewrote the script and added the above dialogue.
Santa: i said write a kiss for me or i'm not doing it. there are plenty other specials i'm in demand for this time of year.
* Sarah: i'm in the same boat as you.
Brody: when i act Chip tells me i'm on the Titanic.
Sarah: trust me. i'm not Madame Odius or anyone pretending to be Sarah. i didn't put a spell on myself to try and recapture my lost youth and beauty or anything...
* Gigantified Rangers, can't believe no one ever thought of that before
* Brody: what was that thing you did just then, Robo Red?
Robo Red: put my hand to the back of my head and leaned back. i get lonely sometimes when you don't call.
* merry Christmas, kitty litter! i'm gonna use that at my next office Christmas party.
* Brody: show's over, Ninjas win. even though the show and the ship exploded.
* Sarah: i can't believe you guys really didn't get me a gift.
Rangers and Chip: we just all figured your booty is our collective gift.
Sarah: it's a good thing there's a medieval stove and pot here in the garage. btw this will also serve as our Christmas dinner.
Preston: we don't remember you taking our Power Stars, wink wink.
Sarah: it's okay. the real reason for the season is my love for you guys. bring it in.
Preston: so you're in love with me? you just stated it, it's on the record.
Rangers: just kidding! of course we got you something, Sarah.
Sarah: *looks outside* oh...it's just the dirty old man who lives in his sled and likes to scan up and down my body with his eyes. i thought maybe my estranged father had come back to me.
Santa: hello, Sarah, i am your daddy.
Santa: ho ho ho
Sarah: why did you look at me when you said that?
Santa: i'm essentially kidnapping you you know this.
Sarah: the woman always holds the reigns...
Justice League Action "Party Animal"
learned:
* there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, better than new Christmas cartoons!
* Lois Lane was on assignment at the Teen Titans' 200th
* reporter: you look Japanese.
Keely Miller: just goth. we're getting younger and younger.
* git along, little grundy
* Jim Carrey was originally slated for Plastic Man. the eyes were the best they could do.
* Plastic Man: shoot an arrow at my tongue! get it loose!
* a covered-up Commissioner Gordon enjoying the holiday ice rink with his male lover
* Green Arrow: come on, Plas, my Christmas party. remember?
Plastic Man: right. and that is..........?
Green Arrow: 7:30.
Plastic Man: no, where do you live? i'll put your address on my blog for quick access for the others.
* when did pizza become prison food?
* Plastic Man: think about it...............buying a bag of ice.............is a completely useless thing to do.
* Green Arrow: it's pronounced cro-KET-a.
Wonder Woman: what's inside me?
Green Arrow: what? oh uh, gumbo, yeah gumbo.
Flash: wait you're supposed to bake the biscuit dough in pigs in a blanket? i always ate it raw.
* Constantine: hey is that guy who's like a living snowman at this party? not sure if he's a hero or villain.
* Green Arrow: shooters...
Constantine shoots Green Arrow.
* Red Tornado: you're standing under the mistletoe, Green Arrow...i'm here...
* Zatanna: hey what's in these mugs?
Wonder Woman: you're right. attention ladies, don't drink the drinks here.
* Green Arrow: shoulda went with the bat-signal crudité.
* Zatanna: every year, Batman grinches it up in his cave.
Flash: cos he's an atheist?
Wonder Woman: worse. Batman thinks he is God.
* Batman: where'd you get that pretty pink bow? doing some last-minute gift wrapping.
* Superman: jelly beans. socks. put the jelly beans in the sock for a nice makeshift cudgel...
* Plastic Man: Grundy is hopped up on tranquilizers...
Wonder Woman: see?
* Raven: and why wasn't i invited?
Green Arrow: it's 'Twas the Night, not the Poe poem.
* Plastic Man: Zatanna's figgy pudding? had it last year. made me pregnant.
Zatanna: oh, now i see why i was sidelined all last year.
* Plastic Man: look on the tv, Grundy. what Cartoon Network used to be!
* Superman: what's with this tiny toy bear?
Stargirl: i finally fucked Firestorm.
Wonder Woman: watch. you'll see. it's the red herring which brings the story together.
* Grundy: Grundy not mindless animal. Grundy remembers. thus Grundy has a mind.
* Green Arrow: Holy Hannah........Barbera
* Green Arrow: damn. i wish Batman was riding me like that.
* Batman: are you insane?!
Green Arrow: you're the one who taught me i could be a superhero without powers, now that is insane.
* Grundy: Grundy sorry for scaring you.............Grundy have to be careful not to copy Apple Frankenstein commercial too much.
* Zatanna: i'm cold.
Plastic Man: i'd offer you my coat but i got no coat. look how i'm dressed. want me to coil myself around you like a snake? i mean like Christmas wrapping paper?
* Green Arrow: what's so special about the S.T.A.R. Labs Christmas party?
animators: didn't have to animate it.
* there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, better than new Christmas cartoons!
* Lois Lane was on assignment at the Teen Titans' 200th
* reporter: you look Japanese.
Keely Miller: just goth. we're getting younger and younger.
* git along, little grundy
* Jim Carrey was originally slated for Plastic Man. the eyes were the best they could do.
* Plastic Man: shoot an arrow at my tongue! get it loose!
* a covered-up Commissioner Gordon enjoying the holiday ice rink with his male lover
* Green Arrow: come on, Plas, my Christmas party. remember?
Plastic Man: right. and that is..........?
Green Arrow: 7:30.
Plastic Man: no, where do you live? i'll put your address on my blog for quick access for the others.
* when did pizza become prison food?
* Plastic Man: think about it...............buying a bag of ice.............is a completely useless thing to do.
* Green Arrow: it's pronounced cro-KET-a.
Wonder Woman: what's inside me?
Green Arrow: what? oh uh, gumbo, yeah gumbo.
Flash: wait you're supposed to bake the biscuit dough in pigs in a blanket? i always ate it raw.
* Constantine: hey is that guy who's like a living snowman at this party? not sure if he's a hero or villain.
* Green Arrow: shooters...
Constantine shoots Green Arrow.
* Red Tornado: you're standing under the mistletoe, Green Arrow...i'm here...
* Zatanna: hey what's in these mugs?
Wonder Woman: you're right. attention ladies, don't drink the drinks here.
* Green Arrow: shoulda went with the bat-signal crudité.
* Zatanna: every year, Batman grinches it up in his cave.
Flash: cos he's an atheist?
Wonder Woman: worse. Batman thinks he is God.
* Batman: where'd you get that pretty pink bow? doing some last-minute gift wrapping.
* Superman: jelly beans. socks. put the jelly beans in the sock for a nice makeshift cudgel...
* Plastic Man: Grundy is hopped up on tranquilizers...
Wonder Woman: see?
* Raven: and why wasn't i invited?
Green Arrow: it's 'Twas the Night, not the Poe poem.
* Plastic Man: Zatanna's figgy pudding? had it last year. made me pregnant.
Zatanna: oh, now i see why i was sidelined all last year.
* Plastic Man: look on the tv, Grundy. what Cartoon Network used to be!
* Superman: what's with this tiny toy bear?
Stargirl: i finally fucked Firestorm.
Wonder Woman: watch. you'll see. it's the red herring which brings the story together.
* Grundy: Grundy not mindless animal. Grundy remembers. thus Grundy has a mind.
* Green Arrow: Holy Hannah........Barbera
* Green Arrow: damn. i wish Batman was riding me like that.
* Batman: are you insane?!
Green Arrow: you're the one who taught me i could be a superhero without powers, now that is insane.
* Grundy: Grundy sorry for scaring you.............Grundy have to be careful not to copy Apple Frankenstein commercial too much.
* Zatanna: i'm cold.
Plastic Man: i'd offer you my coat but i got no coat. look how i'm dressed. want me to coil myself around you like a snake? i mean like Christmas wrapping paper?
* Green Arrow: what's so special about the S.T.A.R. Labs Christmas party?
animators: didn't have to animate it.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Galvanax Rise"
learned:
* pretty good writing. everything that is presented upfront comes back later in the back. like a bad ice cream sandwich.
* okay, this is the last episode, you don't have to hit us over the head with it.
Cosmo: kids, do you know what a hiatus is? let's spell it out together...
* Galvanax: take these teenagers away!
Victor and Monty: we were teenagers. but we didn't have attitude.
* Brody: i should have destroyed the magnet gun first. but hey, hindsight is 100/100.
* Brody: what's with the sword?
Mick: this is my secret, never-before-seen cosplay blade!
* Mick: i always wanted to ride bitch...
* Cosmo: we can't show this on a kid's show.
Levi: trotting us all up here on stage half-naked bound and gagged like sex dolls?
Cosmo: no, when you said you wanted to kill me.
* Sarah: can i at least make one last phone call to my mom?
Cosmo: what is your mom's name?
Sarah: Jodie Rimmer.
Cosmo: remember, the porn stars come onto this stage after Nickelodeon leaves.
been saving that joke for two weeks
* Madame Odius: is the megamag done? i need a new vibrator.
Monty: yes, my queen fox thing from Starfox.
Odius: i'm not a fox! don't lump me in with your Earth conventions. i am an alien creature with a designation you could never understand. not some lurid sex plaything, you damn furry!
Monty: have i upset you, my liege? please feed me some more of that alien slop. i haven't farted in ages.
* Monty: y'know, i'm actually quite cute. but i'll never be appreciated cos i'm forever lumped in with you, Victor, whom everyone despises, even your own mother.
* Victor: what's the difference between BasherBots and Kudabots?
Odius: seven hours in the chair.
* Brody: we can't keep running away.
Mick: why?
Chip Lynne: the set's only yea long.
* Redbot: good news, bad news. the comet is coming. it will destroy Galvanax. it will also destroy the Earth.
* Galvanax: truth is, i'm a collector. a completionist at that.
* Brody: i'm gonna do something now that will be epic. i'm gonna repeat what my flashback father said many years ago.
Mick: say it.
Brody: i forgot my line.
* get the ninja power stars from that birdbath!
* Rangers: who is that?
Mick: it's me! Mick! in my cosplay suit!
* Galvanax: GIVE ME BACK MY BELT!!! i earned that fair and square in a WWF ring in the '80s.
* Rangers: who is that?
father: call me Father. my name doesn't matter. before i go all in on the exposition, is there a bathroom? i've been holding in decades of gallons.
* Galvanax: subtext: i never knew my father.
* Galvanax: you never thought i'd drink a protein shake, did you?
Sarah: i drink protein shakes all the time.
* Father: GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!
* Cosmo: it's the moment we've been waiting for all season! GIGANTIFY GALVANAX! whoops, no power. we forgot to pay the electric bill. that's what happens when you wait till the end of the season.
* Chip Lynne: have you noticed that every season the Rangers end up in this same exact little cove with the mountain and the shore and the ocean and the horizon? just interesting that's all. i'm sure it's some location in New Zealand.
* Victor: Kudabots don't go to the bathroom, Monty.
Monty: you mean...
Victor: yes.
* Cosmo: wait! Kudabots don't talk!
Monty: we do! you just never wanted to listen to our problems.
* Monty: i didn't want to do the fart scene. but it's Nickelodeon. their brand is farts and slime.
* Galvanax: curse you, Odius! is this because of prom?
* Sarah: it's an asteroid. or asspull-teroid.
* Hayley: are you seeing that thing spinning in front of us?
Calvin: no. remember? we're all on drugs.
Preston: i do two shows of this stuff.
* Galvanax: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
next-door neighbors: will you kids keep it down over there? we're trying to watch the Japanese version. so far all our old set gets is Archie Bunker.
* Rangers: *crying* our power stars! they're gone! they turned to dust!
Mick: you know we're all gonna die. we all turn to dust someday.
* Sarah: so we're done here?
Mick: one more season to go.
Sarah: what? rip up my contract, i want to do movies while the iron's hot. what's Zalman King's phone number? i want to do glossy softcore.
* reporter: so a scent that repels monsters? what's it called?
Monty: Monty. For Men. see? i'm cute.
* Mick: so i'm done here. you won't have my levels-way-above-your-acting with the ticks and broad line-delivery to your benefit anymore. the space taxi coming is taking me to the Ly Galaxy. that's a lie. i'm going back to Neighbours. there are only two words which would ever make me come back: Tenaya 7. if you count a number as a word.
* Mick: eat your grits.
Hayley: why did you look at me when you said that?
* Madame Odius: surprise! Christmas special spoilers! the new Doctor is a woman!
* pretty good writing. everything that is presented upfront comes back later in the back. like a bad ice cream sandwich.
* okay, this is the last episode, you don't have to hit us over the head with it.
Cosmo: kids, do you know what a hiatus is? let's spell it out together...
* Galvanax: take these teenagers away!
Victor and Monty: we were teenagers. but we didn't have attitude.
* Brody: i should have destroyed the magnet gun first. but hey, hindsight is 100/100.
* Brody: what's with the sword?
Mick: this is my secret, never-before-seen cosplay blade!
* Mick: i always wanted to ride bitch...
* Cosmo: we can't show this on a kid's show.
Levi: trotting us all up here on stage half-naked bound and gagged like sex dolls?
Cosmo: no, when you said you wanted to kill me.
* Sarah: can i at least make one last phone call to my mom?
Cosmo: what is your mom's name?
Sarah: Jodie Rimmer.
Cosmo: remember, the porn stars come onto this stage after Nickelodeon leaves.
been saving that joke for two weeks
* Madame Odius: is the megamag done? i need a new vibrator.
Monty: yes, my queen fox thing from Starfox.
Odius: i'm not a fox! don't lump me in with your Earth conventions. i am an alien creature with a designation you could never understand. not some lurid sex plaything, you damn furry!
Monty: have i upset you, my liege? please feed me some more of that alien slop. i haven't farted in ages.
* Monty: y'know, i'm actually quite cute. but i'll never be appreciated cos i'm forever lumped in with you, Victor, whom everyone despises, even your own mother.
* Victor: what's the difference between BasherBots and Kudabots?
Odius: seven hours in the chair.
* Brody: we can't keep running away.
Mick: why?
Chip Lynne: the set's only yea long.
* Redbot: good news, bad news. the comet is coming. it will destroy Galvanax. it will also destroy the Earth.
* Galvanax: truth is, i'm a collector. a completionist at that.
* Brody: i'm gonna do something now that will be epic. i'm gonna repeat what my flashback father said many years ago.
Mick: say it.
Brody: i forgot my line.
* get the ninja power stars from that birdbath!
* Rangers: who is that?
Mick: it's me! Mick! in my cosplay suit!
* Galvanax: GIVE ME BACK MY BELT!!! i earned that fair and square in a WWF ring in the '80s.
* Rangers: who is that?
father: call me Father. my name doesn't matter. before i go all in on the exposition, is there a bathroom? i've been holding in decades of gallons.
* Galvanax: subtext: i never knew my father.
* Galvanax: you never thought i'd drink a protein shake, did you?
Sarah: i drink protein shakes all the time.
* Father: GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!
* Cosmo: it's the moment we've been waiting for all season! GIGANTIFY GALVANAX! whoops, no power. we forgot to pay the electric bill. that's what happens when you wait till the end of the season.
* Chip Lynne: have you noticed that every season the Rangers end up in this same exact little cove with the mountain and the shore and the ocean and the horizon? just interesting that's all. i'm sure it's some location in New Zealand.
* Victor: Kudabots don't go to the bathroom, Monty.
Monty: you mean...
Victor: yes.
* Cosmo: wait! Kudabots don't talk!
Monty: we do! you just never wanted to listen to our problems.
* Monty: i didn't want to do the fart scene. but it's Nickelodeon. their brand is farts and slime.
* Galvanax: curse you, Odius! is this because of prom?
* Sarah: it's an asteroid. or asspull-teroid.
* Hayley: are you seeing that thing spinning in front of us?
Calvin: no. remember? we're all on drugs.
Preston: i do two shows of this stuff.
* Galvanax: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
next-door neighbors: will you kids keep it down over there? we're trying to watch the Japanese version. so far all our old set gets is Archie Bunker.
* Rangers: *crying* our power stars! they're gone! they turned to dust!
Mick: you know we're all gonna die. we all turn to dust someday.
* Sarah: so we're done here?
Mick: one more season to go.
Sarah: what? rip up my contract, i want to do movies while the iron's hot. what's Zalman King's phone number? i want to do glossy softcore.
* reporter: so a scent that repels monsters? what's it called?
Monty: Monty. For Men. see? i'm cute.
* Mick: so i'm done here. you won't have my levels-way-above-your-acting with the ticks and broad line-delivery to your benefit anymore. the space taxi coming is taking me to the Ly Galaxy. that's a lie. i'm going back to Neighbours. there are only two words which would ever make me come back: Tenaya 7. if you count a number as a word.
* Mick: eat your grits.
Hayley: why did you look at me when you said that?
* Madame Odius: surprise! Christmas special spoilers! the new Doctor is a woman!
Justice League Action "Race Against Crime"
learned:
* LOIS LANE! voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
* i remember a comic-story story very similar...
* Lex Luthor: i hate to let go of this milky silky leg, Diana, but there'll be other gal gams.
* Cyborg: there's nothing special about me! i'm just a citizen who cares! a senior citizen...
* Luthor: i had a Mount Rushmore joke but they wouldn't let me use it. i mean a joke from the film Rushmore and they wouldn't let me use it...
* ballsy to fit in a "one hour earlier" into 11 minutes
* FINALLY we get the episode where that promo is from! i always thought i missed something.
* the people of Metropolis act as if they've never seen Bruce Wayne out in the open...
* Lois: are you really the fastest man alive?
the Flash: i don't like to say that around the ladies. babe, you're hot but that's too much purple. it's clashing and my eyes are covered in white cloth.
* Lois: my man is faster than a speeding bullet.
the Flash: "bullet"? what do you mean? like bullet train? we got rid of guns years ago and the people are safe. sure, superheroes and everything but that's what really did it.
* Superman: Lois! did you do something with your hair? you were bald last time i saw you.
Lois: that was Lex.
* Lois: all this and a sense of humor, too.
Superman: i fucked Wonder Woman to prepare for the race. that's what they say, right? enervate yourself of all your energy and power fluids so you're on the starting line with an empty tank.
* Green Lantern: i only condone starting guns, kids.
* Flash: you like my butt?
* Superman: we just caused a massive global tsunami.
Flash: the surfers don't seem to mind. they're giving us the shaka. i think.
* Lois: we've attached GPS devices to our heroes so they'll never leave our sight. the government says this is easier than drones.
* Luthor: you like the place? i got it cheap after Gargamel died in a vat of magic Smurf acid.
* Chronos: why the hell do i sound like i have a hangover? what's my backstory? is there drinking in the family?
* Luthor: you're so exacting, Chronos. did you enjoy algebra as a kid?
Chronos: i was never a kid. is algebra a spelling word?
* Chronos: i made this suit from all the purple Lois Lane has lying around her apartment.
* Chronos: time, speed, it's all crack cocaine in the end.
* Luthor: well of course there's that whiny voice of yours.
Chronos: James Woods, buddy, just a heads up. want to get in on this preemptively? we all know the rumors that have swirled around you for decades.
* Luthor: PURPLE POWER RANGER!!! no aromatherapy this week. that's the only therapy i do.
* Chronos: you idiot! that was an endangered bird! what's next, elephants?
* Chronos: thank you, sonny. the young people today are too into their phones to help an elderly man climb under a bus. what's your name again?
Luthor: we'll talk later, pops. i am your son.
* Lois: they've just crossed the Rockies you know what that means...............marijuana...
* sideliner: damn you, Samsung! the only time i'm ever gonna capture Lex Luthor photobombing something i take and the damn picture turns out blurry!!!
* Superman: i just noticed. what's up wih your voice, Flash? is it just the speed? where's the other guy?
* Luthor: what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?
Flash: the Big Bang.
* Luthor: *singing and putting on a curly black wig and revealing see-through BDSM suit* if i could turn back time...
* Flash: why does all the action in all of these cartoons always end up at Star Labs? just what the fuck experimenting is going on at Star Labs?
* Flash: it's not a rock, it's a force.
Batman: Dwayne Johnson is both.
* the writers just got around this week to seeing Commando.
* Flash: you got a vibrator?
Superman: ask Lois.
Flash: friction's too much.
Superman: ask Diana.
* Batman: what i hold in my hand is an HP desktop. warning: the updates are KILLER long.
* Chronos. voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
* Flash: i just barely avoided Disney copyright there with that remark.
* Flash: booga-booga is racist.
Luthor: then why did you repeat it?
* Chronos: i feel so much better. all the anger has been drained from me.
Batman: wait till they set your bail.
Superman: way to go, Batman! he was reformed till you butted in!
* great episode. from start to finish. this show is back on top!
* *checks wikipedia* OH NO! IS THIS THE SERIES FINALE!!? i am sad. very sad.
* LOIS LANE! voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
* i remember a comic-story story very similar...
* Lex Luthor: i hate to let go of this milky silky leg, Diana, but there'll be other gal gams.
* Cyborg: there's nothing special about me! i'm just a citizen who cares! a senior citizen...
* Luthor: i had a Mount Rushmore joke but they wouldn't let me use it. i mean a joke from the film Rushmore and they wouldn't let me use it...
* ballsy to fit in a "one hour earlier" into 11 minutes
* FINALLY we get the episode where that promo is from! i always thought i missed something.
* the people of Metropolis act as if they've never seen Bruce Wayne out in the open...
* Lois: are you really the fastest man alive?
the Flash: i don't like to say that around the ladies. babe, you're hot but that's too much purple. it's clashing and my eyes are covered in white cloth.
* Lois: my man is faster than a speeding bullet.
the Flash: "bullet"? what do you mean? like bullet train? we got rid of guns years ago and the people are safe. sure, superheroes and everything but that's what really did it.
* Superman: Lois! did you do something with your hair? you were bald last time i saw you.
Lois: that was Lex.
* Lois: all this and a sense of humor, too.
Superman: i fucked Wonder Woman to prepare for the race. that's what they say, right? enervate yourself of all your energy and power fluids so you're on the starting line with an empty tank.
* Green Lantern: i only condone starting guns, kids.
* Flash: you like my butt?
* Superman: we just caused a massive global tsunami.
Flash: the surfers don't seem to mind. they're giving us the shaka. i think.
* Lois: we've attached GPS devices to our heroes so they'll never leave our sight. the government says this is easier than drones.
* Luthor: you like the place? i got it cheap after Gargamel died in a vat of magic Smurf acid.
* Chronos: why the hell do i sound like i have a hangover? what's my backstory? is there drinking in the family?
* Luthor: you're so exacting, Chronos. did you enjoy algebra as a kid?
Chronos: i was never a kid. is algebra a spelling word?
* Chronos: i made this suit from all the purple Lois Lane has lying around her apartment.
* Chronos: time, speed, it's all crack cocaine in the end.
* Luthor: well of course there's that whiny voice of yours.
Chronos: James Woods, buddy, just a heads up. want to get in on this preemptively? we all know the rumors that have swirled around you for decades.
* Luthor: PURPLE POWER RANGER!!! no aromatherapy this week. that's the only therapy i do.
* Chronos: you idiot! that was an endangered bird! what's next, elephants?
* Chronos: thank you, sonny. the young people today are too into their phones to help an elderly man climb under a bus. what's your name again?
Luthor: we'll talk later, pops. i am your son.
* Lois: they've just crossed the Rockies you know what that means...............marijuana...
* sideliner: damn you, Samsung! the only time i'm ever gonna capture Lex Luthor photobombing something i take and the damn picture turns out blurry!!!
* Superman: i just noticed. what's up wih your voice, Flash? is it just the speed? where's the other guy?
* Luthor: what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force?
Flash: the Big Bang.
* Luthor: *singing and putting on a curly black wig and revealing see-through BDSM suit* if i could turn back time...
* Flash: why does all the action in all of these cartoons always end up at Star Labs? just what the fuck experimenting is going on at Star Labs?
* Flash: it's not a rock, it's a force.
Batman: Dwayne Johnson is both.
* the writers just got around this week to seeing Commando.
* Flash: you got a vibrator?
Superman: ask Lois.
Flash: friction's too much.
Superman: ask Diana.
* Batman: what i hold in my hand is an HP desktop. warning: the updates are KILLER long.
* Chronos. voiced by Gilbert Gottfried
* Flash: i just barely avoided Disney copyright there with that remark.
* Flash: booga-booga is racist.
Luthor: then why did you repeat it?
* Chronos: i feel so much better. all the anger has been drained from me.
Batman: wait till they set your bail.
Superman: way to go, Batman! he was reformed till you butted in!
* great episode. from start to finish. this show is back on top!
* *checks wikipedia* OH NO! IS THIS THE SERIES FINALE!!? i am sad. very sad.
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Justice League Action "System Error"
learned:
* Booster Gold: you look terrible, Bats.
Batman: i was drinking. my parents were murdered in cold blood you know.
* Superman: you didn't hear? Harley and Zod are dating.
Batman: what is this, high school?
* Wonder Woman: the villains keep appearing in weird combinations.
Batman: that's called the writers are bored and have run out of ideas.
* Batman: can you time-jump us out of here?
Booster: no can do. these HP updates take FOREVER to load.
* Booster: so i'm guessing you're just gonna leave me hanging?
Batman: Batman hangs with nooooooooooooo-body.
* Booster: Cyborg's out cold! what's his blood type?
Batman: HP updates.
* Batman: this is not good. Cyborg is fully human...
* Batman: hit me!
Wonder Woman wallops him.
Wonder Woman: that's for Catwoman!
Batman: ow, that hurt! that wasn't just for Catwoman.
Wonder Woman: you're right, that was for Batgirl!
* Batman: i'm a robot. everyone remove your faces and calmly admit that everything you thought about yourself up till now is a lie. without crisis. do it in my steady, unfazed voice.
* Superman: why are we here? who made us?
Batman: that is the burning existential question of our time, my friend. do you believe in God?
Superman: yes i believe in Zod. we kneel before Him everyday.
* Booster: they can be robots and still kill us with their lasers...
* Booster: performance issues?
Cyborg: i fucked a bitch last night.
Booster: hey man, respec womans.
Cyborg: the bitch in this case was you.
* Booster: where are we going?
Batman: you guys are nailing it today with the existential questions.
* Booster: whoa, the screen is all red plaid.
Wonder Woman: like Christmas ribbon.
Booster: i was thinking more like a grunge woolen shirt. *devil-horns hand gesture* rock on! Nirvana forever!
* Darkseid: WHOA! Parademon! i never knew you could talk! i thought you just grunted. i've been so busy i've never sat down and actually heard your voice before.
* Superman: is it just me or is that Big Belly Burger mascot familiar?
Booster: maybe. but it was phased out after the '90s. everything good was phased out after the '90s.
Cyborg: that Big Belly Burger sure looks good. i missed breakfast.
Booster: you eat?
* Lab Rats. miss that show. i could have done episode reviews here of that show...
* Booster: time-out...
Batman: what is that hand gesture? i don't do sports.
Booster: we have a steady gig here. of meaningless robot lives.
* Wonder Woman: are you serious, Booster?!! why am i attracted to you all of a sudden?
Booster: is it really up to us?
Batman: what is deep down in your soul, Booster?
Booster: porn. but in my defense, i am a computer.
* Batman: don't worry, they're just robots, they can't harm you.
* Superman: *blows wind* sorry. i tried to slow them down, but i killed them accidentally.
* Booster: forgot Parademons can fly
* Darkseid: you like my butt?
* Darkseid: don't you just love glitches in video games?
* Cyborg: cheaters never prosper.
Darkseid: then why is Lex Luthor President?
* Booster: so we're gonna die. and there's nothing we can do about it.
Batman high-fives Booster.
Batman: existential as fuck. btw, i've never high-fived anyone before.
* Kevin Conroy: it's Batman!
Cyborg: that sounds so weird coming out of your mouth.
Kevin Conroy: i just said that previous line in Cyborg's voice...
* Wonder Woman to Robo-Wonder Woman: i'm prettier than you.
* Booster: i do not sound like that!
Kevin Conroy: you're right. I sound like that.
* Booster Gold: you look terrible, Bats.
Batman: i was drinking. my parents were murdered in cold blood you know.
* Superman: you didn't hear? Harley and Zod are dating.
Batman: what is this, high school?
* Wonder Woman: the villains keep appearing in weird combinations.
Batman: that's called the writers are bored and have run out of ideas.
* Batman: can you time-jump us out of here?
Booster: no can do. these HP updates take FOREVER to load.
* Booster: so i'm guessing you're just gonna leave me hanging?
Batman: Batman hangs with nooooooooooooo-body.
* Booster: Cyborg's out cold! what's his blood type?
Batman: HP updates.
* Batman: this is not good. Cyborg is fully human...
* Batman: hit me!
Wonder Woman wallops him.
Wonder Woman: that's for Catwoman!
Batman: ow, that hurt! that wasn't just for Catwoman.
Wonder Woman: you're right, that was for Batgirl!
* Batman: i'm a robot. everyone remove your faces and calmly admit that everything you thought about yourself up till now is a lie. without crisis. do it in my steady, unfazed voice.
* Superman: why are we here? who made us?
Batman: that is the burning existential question of our time, my friend. do you believe in God?
Superman: yes i believe in Zod. we kneel before Him everyday.
* Booster: they can be robots and still kill us with their lasers...
* Booster: performance issues?
Cyborg: i fucked a bitch last night.
Booster: hey man, respec womans.
Cyborg: the bitch in this case was you.
* Booster: where are we going?
Batman: you guys are nailing it today with the existential questions.
* Booster: whoa, the screen is all red plaid.
Wonder Woman: like Christmas ribbon.
Booster: i was thinking more like a grunge woolen shirt. *devil-horns hand gesture* rock on! Nirvana forever!
* Darkseid: WHOA! Parademon! i never knew you could talk! i thought you just grunted. i've been so busy i've never sat down and actually heard your voice before.
* Superman: is it just me or is that Big Belly Burger mascot familiar?
Booster: maybe. but it was phased out after the '90s. everything good was phased out after the '90s.
Cyborg: that Big Belly Burger sure looks good. i missed breakfast.
Booster: you eat?
* Lab Rats. miss that show. i could have done episode reviews here of that show...
* Booster: time-out...
Batman: what is that hand gesture? i don't do sports.
Booster: we have a steady gig here. of meaningless robot lives.
* Wonder Woman: are you serious, Booster?!! why am i attracted to you all of a sudden?
Booster: is it really up to us?
Batman: what is deep down in your soul, Booster?
Booster: porn. but in my defense, i am a computer.
* Batman: don't worry, they're just robots, they can't harm you.
* Superman: *blows wind* sorry. i tried to slow them down, but i killed them accidentally.
* Booster: forgot Parademons can fly
* Darkseid: you like my butt?
* Darkseid: don't you just love glitches in video games?
* Cyborg: cheaters never prosper.
Darkseid: then why is Lex Luthor President?
* Booster: so we're gonna die. and there's nothing we can do about it.
Batman high-fives Booster.
Batman: existential as fuck. btw, i've never high-fived anyone before.
* Kevin Conroy: it's Batman!
Cyborg: that sounds so weird coming out of your mouth.
Kevin Conroy: i just said that previous line in Cyborg's voice...
* Wonder Woman to Robo-Wonder Woman: i'm prettier than you.
* Booster: i do not sound like that!
Kevin Conroy: you're right. I sound like that.
Saturday, November 4, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Helping Hand"
learned:
* no mention of Sarah's mom in the description? for shame.
* i told you! this is the episode! (okay, so no Victor on the hoverboard)
* Preston: i call bike bitch!
* lawnmower man: your ass is grass...
* Sarah's mom: i made this machine that eats jellied toast and drinks for you. i am so lonely.
* Chip Lynne: Sarah's cheek messy with jelly and Sarah getting sprayed on? the night porn seems to have filtered into the day show.
* Force Fear: hello. i'm this week's villain. i'm a giant cute head.
* Force Fear: call me Pink Floyd. I have the Wall.
* Cosmo: do you know how much it costs to dry-clean this suit? the total combined salaries of at least three BasherBots!
* Transformers: Robots in Disguise 2015 junkyard in real life. i'm gonna miss that show...
* Mick: how do you two numbskulls know the location of the Rangers hideout?
Victor and Monty: Rangers?
* Monty: drat. the one time we actually put our two brains together and make something substantial for science, and it's gonna be mishandled by evil.
Victor: atom bomb, Monty, atom bomb.
* Sarah: not a gratuitous ass shot. Nickelodeon handles these things well.
* Sarah: mom, you're embarrassing me!
Sarah's mom: sorry, my accent is bleeding through. it's hard to stay American throughout.
Sarah: mom, you and i are gonna have a good relationship. cos i'm prettier than you.
* Sarah's mom: I know this is hard to believe, but i'm Tony Hawk's mom in real life.
* Calvin: you were a little hard on her out there weren't you?
Sarah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT
* Pink Floyd: there's only one way to defeat my Wall. shitloads and shitloads of psychotropic mushrooms.
* Madame Odius: sorry i've been away recently. i recently took up knitting. you like this shawl delicately draped across my shoulder?
* Mick: bad news: we're out of Ninja Steel.
Levi: what's that purple block in your hand? grape gum?
Mick: my dentures.
* Mick: we're gonna have to remelt these old stars to make the new ones.
Hayley: why?
Chip Lynne: budget.
* Mick: haven't found a new source yet. but it's a big universe.
Carl Sagan: billions. a billion alternate dimensions...
Mick: Carl Sagan was the first Ranger...
* Redbot: fuck you, Sarah!
Sarah: i'm sorry.
Redbot: i was practicing for Hayley on you.
* Chip Lynne: wait, so are you saying Sarah's mom is to blame for the whole Super fiasco?
Sarah's mom: hey don't blame me. second seasons are often good, it's just the name that sucks. you should name every second season Power Rangers Sarah's Mom.
* Sarah: give me a high-five.
Mick: i never played sports. ever.
* skating on a roll of toilet paper. cool.
* Hayley: i have a child out of wedlock.
Calvin: you whore!
Brody: i'm just gonna take this star.
Redbot: that's the old star, you moron.
* Mick: ..................*hammer-throw*.....................
* Rangers: what's with the bigger bot enclosing our Zords giant robo?
Chip Lynne: *Johnny Manziel rubbing sign* toys, baby, toy sales. Christmas is a'comin'. i want to make my 100-dollar bills snow in the club.
* lawnmower man: i traded in my mower for these two vicious dogs. they help calm me down. they have bigger teeth than my lawnmower. i can't take leisurely sidewalk strolls down the neighborhood with my lawnmower.
* Sarah: a dead clock's right twice.
Sarah's mom: but i'm dead inside.
* Sarah: i'm sorry, mom.
Sarah's mom: i'm sorry, honey.
Sarah: i love you, mom.
Sarah's mom: i love you, Sarah.
Sarah: *baby talk* mom.............................who is my father?
* Mick: good news, bad news. good news, we found a meteor rich in Ninja Steel. bad news, it was just a macro shot of the buzzcam's booger.
* Victor: come to papa.
Madame Odius: don't mind if i do. these two idots will be my newest cabana boys.
Victor: NOOOOO!
Madame Odius: quit squirming.
Monty: my only dream has come true. i'm the sex slave to an alien cat!
* Chip Lynne: bad news: this is the last episode ever. we're ending the franchise on a cliffhanger.
* no mention of Sarah's mom in the description? for shame.
* i told you! this is the episode! (okay, so no Victor on the hoverboard)
* Preston: i call bike bitch!
* lawnmower man: your ass is grass...
* Sarah's mom: i made this machine that eats jellied toast and drinks for you. i am so lonely.
* Chip Lynne: Sarah's cheek messy with jelly and Sarah getting sprayed on? the night porn seems to have filtered into the day show.
* Force Fear: hello. i'm this week's villain. i'm a giant cute head.
* Force Fear: call me Pink Floyd. I have the Wall.
* Cosmo: do you know how much it costs to dry-clean this suit? the total combined salaries of at least three BasherBots!
* Transformers: Robots in Disguise 2015 junkyard in real life. i'm gonna miss that show...
* Mick: how do you two numbskulls know the location of the Rangers hideout?
Victor and Monty: Rangers?
* Monty: drat. the one time we actually put our two brains together and make something substantial for science, and it's gonna be mishandled by evil.
Victor: atom bomb, Monty, atom bomb.
* Sarah: not a gratuitous ass shot. Nickelodeon handles these things well.
* Sarah: mom, you're embarrassing me!
Sarah's mom: sorry, my accent is bleeding through. it's hard to stay American throughout.
Sarah: mom, you and i are gonna have a good relationship. cos i'm prettier than you.
* Sarah's mom: I know this is hard to believe, but i'm Tony Hawk's mom in real life.
* Calvin: you were a little hard on her out there weren't you?
Sarah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTT
* Pink Floyd: there's only one way to defeat my Wall. shitloads and shitloads of psychotropic mushrooms.
* Madame Odius: sorry i've been away recently. i recently took up knitting. you like this shawl delicately draped across my shoulder?
* Mick: bad news: we're out of Ninja Steel.
Levi: what's that purple block in your hand? grape gum?
Mick: my dentures.
* Mick: we're gonna have to remelt these old stars to make the new ones.
Hayley: why?
Chip Lynne: budget.
* Mick: haven't found a new source yet. but it's a big universe.
Carl Sagan: billions. a billion alternate dimensions...
Mick: Carl Sagan was the first Ranger...
* Redbot: fuck you, Sarah!
Sarah: i'm sorry.
Redbot: i was practicing for Hayley on you.
* Chip Lynne: wait, so are you saying Sarah's mom is to blame for the whole Super fiasco?
Sarah's mom: hey don't blame me. second seasons are often good, it's just the name that sucks. you should name every second season Power Rangers Sarah's Mom.
* Sarah: give me a high-five.
Mick: i never played sports. ever.
* skating on a roll of toilet paper. cool.
* Hayley: i have a child out of wedlock.
Calvin: you whore!
Brody: i'm just gonna take this star.
Redbot: that's the old star, you moron.
* Mick: ..................*hammer-throw*.....................
* Rangers: what's with the bigger bot enclosing our Zords giant robo?
Chip Lynne: *Johnny Manziel rubbing sign* toys, baby, toy sales. Christmas is a'comin'. i want to make my 100-dollar bills snow in the club.
* lawnmower man: i traded in my mower for these two vicious dogs. they help calm me down. they have bigger teeth than my lawnmower. i can't take leisurely sidewalk strolls down the neighborhood with my lawnmower.
* Sarah: a dead clock's right twice.
Sarah's mom: but i'm dead inside.
* Sarah: i'm sorry, mom.
Sarah's mom: i'm sorry, honey.
Sarah: i love you, mom.
Sarah's mom: i love you, Sarah.
Sarah: *baby talk* mom.............................who is my father?
* Mick: good news, bad news. good news, we found a meteor rich in Ninja Steel. bad news, it was just a macro shot of the buzzcam's booger.
* Victor: come to papa.
Madame Odius: don't mind if i do. these two idots will be my newest cabana boys.
Victor: NOOOOO!
Madame Odius: quit squirming.
Monty: my only dream has come true. i'm the sex slave to an alien cat!
* Chip Lynne: bad news: this is the last episode ever. we're ending the franchise on a cliffhanger.
Justice League Action "It'll Take a Miracle!"
learned:
* fantastic. started off slow, ended great.
* Jack Kirby with the voiceover?
* Vegas strong
* Mister Miracle: i wonder if Houdini ever had nights like this?
* Batman: I AM CRISS ANGEL
* Miracle: hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque...
* note: Zatanna does not make an appearance. it was a messy Friday night with Paul Dini...
* cape code: don't tug another man's cape. at least not without his permission.
* Batman's favorite yoga pose: not doing yoga
* Miracle: Samus Aran's new morph-ball is this disco ball with fun searchlights. now you REALLY can't wait for the next Prime game.
* Miracle: Granny Goodness! you are strangely the only old bag who can pull off that spandex suit.
* Sia's "Chandelier" for the background music...if this show was more mainstream.
* Miracle: you know magic blades never have tips, right? no just-the-tip jokes, please.
* that's a nice butt.......on Granny
* Batman: so that's where Eddie Munster ran off to when he ran away from spooky mansion.
* Miracle: Entertainment...
Batman: i prefer Neil Hamburger.
* Lashina to clapping audience: come to mummy!
Lashina knows she has the better butt.
* Batman: i don't do show biz. i AM show biz. without me all you little lesser-known comics wouldn't exist!
* Miracle: you see, my dad Darkseid has a void in his life...
* Miracle: ...capable of destroying all sentient thought.
Batman: like the 2020 election.
* Miracle: Big Barda's my girlfriend! well, one of them. Samus is the other.
Batman: what's a girlfriend?
* Miracle: your chest seems stonier than usual.
Darkseid: it's my stony heart that worries me. it started to melt when i saw you again.
* Granny: i never played marbles as a kid. let me have this.
* Batman: are you from Hell or something?
Granny: i just like the heat. i winter in Florida.
* Big Barda: that's MY boyfriend!
Eddie Munster: what? i'm not gay.
Miracle: here, Eddie, take Batman's handcuffs. too kinky for me.
* Barda: keep your eyes peeled, folks, this is as close to romance as you're gonna get on this show. a sorta half-kiss.
Miracle: i don't need to tell you all that sex with Barda is INSANE
* Darkseid: WHAT IS THIS BALL?!!
Lashina: bath bomb.
* THE LORDS OF SYNTH
* fantastic. started off slow, ended great.
* Jack Kirby with the voiceover?
* Vegas strong
* Mister Miracle: i wonder if Houdini ever had nights like this?
* Batman: I AM CRISS ANGEL
* Miracle: hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque...
* note: Zatanna does not make an appearance. it was a messy Friday night with Paul Dini...
* cape code: don't tug another man's cape. at least not without his permission.
* Batman's favorite yoga pose: not doing yoga
* Miracle: Samus Aran's new morph-ball is this disco ball with fun searchlights. now you REALLY can't wait for the next Prime game.
* Miracle: Granny Goodness! you are strangely the only old bag who can pull off that spandex suit.
* Sia's "Chandelier" for the background music...if this show was more mainstream.
* Miracle: you know magic blades never have tips, right? no just-the-tip jokes, please.
* that's a nice butt.......on Granny
* Batman: so that's where Eddie Munster ran off to when he ran away from spooky mansion.
* Miracle: Entertainment...
Batman: i prefer Neil Hamburger.
* Lashina to clapping audience: come to mummy!
Lashina knows she has the better butt.
* Batman: i don't do show biz. i AM show biz. without me all you little lesser-known comics wouldn't exist!
* Miracle: you see, my dad Darkseid has a void in his life...
* Miracle: ...capable of destroying all sentient thought.
Batman: like the 2020 election.
* Miracle: Big Barda's my girlfriend! well, one of them. Samus is the other.
Batman: what's a girlfriend?
* Miracle: your chest seems stonier than usual.
Darkseid: it's my stony heart that worries me. it started to melt when i saw you again.
* Granny: i never played marbles as a kid. let me have this.
* Batman: are you from Hell or something?
Granny: i just like the heat. i winter in Florida.
* Big Barda: that's MY boyfriend!
Eddie Munster: what? i'm not gay.
Miracle: here, Eddie, take Batman's handcuffs. too kinky for me.
* Barda: keep your eyes peeled, folks, this is as close to romance as you're gonna get on this show. a sorta half-kiss.
Miracle: i don't need to tell you all that sex with Barda is INSANE
* Darkseid: WHAT IS THIS BALL?!!
Lashina: bath bomb.
* THE LORDS OF SYNTH
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Abrakadanger"
learned:
* come on! Abrakadanger? this was your one chance to name a Power Rangers episode with a tennis title. this opportunity will never come again.
* Principal: this strange metallic package came for you. at your school address, not your home address.
Preston: LOOT CRATE!
Principal: no, it's anthrax.
Preston: no, that's next week's villain.
* i play tennis. well i did. trust me, tennis players don't have muscles.
* Calvin: i never knew you played tennis.
Hayley: neither did i.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Harry Potter.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Star Wars.
* Mick: don't look at the back of the book for the answers.
Preston: but that's where the Dean Koontz blurb is.
* Sarah: hey Princess Viera, when are you coming back?
Viera: after the hiatus...
* Preston: my wand looks like a crowbar. i'm bad to the bone. i'm like Jeremy Lin.
* Preston: i can make things disappear!
Sarah: why are you pointing your wand at my crotch?
* Hayley: NOOOO! why'd you make me invisible?!
Chip Lynne: we can't afford to pay you anymore. we had to cut down on your appearance fees.
* Zoe Robins: you're replacing me with a flying white towel? i know what that's code for. i quit!
* Calvin: here, i took my pants off for you.
* Mick: i've got it! the perfect disguise for you, Hayley. you can wear your White Ranger uniform!
* Abrakadanger turns two foot soldiers into balloons.
Chip Lynne: you killed them. there were people in those costumes.
* Principal: we are gathered here on this hot 100-degree day and i still have my jacket on. why do we have a chair umpire for high-school tennis? and why the fuck does that chair umpire get an umbrella and i don't!
* tennis contest?
* Victor: what are you wearing? a welder's mask?
Hayley: eclipse glasses.
* Victor: i'm Isner, all i've got is a fast serve.
* Calvin: alright honey, this is your new racquet. we blew the entire budget of the show on this. if you break it, you have nothing. we can't use CGI anymore for the rest of the season.
* the school: *screaming* SHE HAS NO HEAD!
Principal: wait. it could just be a camera trick. bad CGI. let me put on my glasses to confirm.
* Preston: do the dab.
Hayley: but i can't see.
Preston: that's the point. you do the dab so you can't see.
* take 1
Victor: THAT'S NOT A ROBOT ARM!!! THAT'S MY REAL ARM!!! TOO MUCH STEROIDS!!!
* take 2
Hayley: how can you serve a real fireball?
Victor: i'm the new Ranger. i'm replacing Redbot.
Redbot: i'm a better actor than you and i can't use my face.
* Levi: he tossed me clear across the country. i'm in New Jersey.
Chip Lynne: goodbye, Levi, you're off the show.
* Preston: rubber duckie? a floating potted plant? what is this, Sesame Street?
* Mick: i think i'll take up tennis and become a pro in one day.
Preston: that's what Federer did.
Mick: ah yes, but Roger didn't use magic. Roger is a religious experience.
* Preston: i am determined not to cheat. i'm not gonna take any shortcuts anymore. burn the CliffsNotes. this is gonna take some time.
Hayley: how long?
Preston: until after the hiatus.
* Preston: i can turn anything into food? we can use this power to solve world hunger.
Chip Lynne: no, just use it to feed the staff.
* Redbot: hey, you just used a green wig, that's not a real hair spell, you're cheating!
* Mick: never use the Impenetrable Barrier spell. it's black magic. only one dark wizard has ever attempted it.
Preston: what happened to this dark wizard?
Mick: there was this whole thing with the Electoral College...
* return all tools by Lent
* Abrakadanger: they were turtles all along?
Chip Lynne: Budweiser dropped us. they said i needed a sponsor for my drinking. are you guys ready for a Super Team-Up with TMNT again?
* Brody: this is gonna be epic!
Preston: nothing is epic anymore in the internet age.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Kiki's Delivery Service.
Chip Lynne: pantsu.
* Sarah: all that matters is that you look good in that babydol tennis dress, girl.
* Hayley: so i just keep serving till i win the game?
Victor: no actually i'm supposed to hit the ball back.
* Victor: what surface is this tennis court?
Principal: poo.
* Monty: if you're not first you're last.
Victor: i got 2nd Place. the ratings came in this week, Monty. this is the lowest-rated Power Rangers show of all time. do you know who the fans are blaming? us two. they want to kill Victor and Monty. i'm gonna start drinking again. you couldn't have given me a win this week, writers?
* come on! Abrakadanger? this was your one chance to name a Power Rangers episode with a tennis title. this opportunity will never come again.
* Principal: this strange metallic package came for you. at your school address, not your home address.
Preston: LOOT CRATE!
Principal: no, it's anthrax.
Preston: no, that's next week's villain.
* i play tennis. well i did. trust me, tennis players don't have muscles.
* Calvin: i never knew you played tennis.
Hayley: neither did i.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Harry Potter.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Star Wars.
* Mick: don't look at the back of the book for the answers.
Preston: but that's where the Dean Koontz blurb is.
* Sarah: hey Princess Viera, when are you coming back?
Viera: after the hiatus...
* Preston: my wand looks like a crowbar. i'm bad to the bone. i'm like Jeremy Lin.
* Preston: i can make things disappear!
Sarah: why are you pointing your wand at my crotch?
* Hayley: NOOOO! why'd you make me invisible?!
Chip Lynne: we can't afford to pay you anymore. we had to cut down on your appearance fees.
* Zoe Robins: you're replacing me with a flying white towel? i know what that's code for. i quit!
* Calvin: here, i took my pants off for you.
* Mick: i've got it! the perfect disguise for you, Hayley. you can wear your White Ranger uniform!
* Abrakadanger turns two foot soldiers into balloons.
Chip Lynne: you killed them. there were people in those costumes.
* Principal: we are gathered here on this hot 100-degree day and i still have my jacket on. why do we have a chair umpire for high-school tennis? and why the fuck does that chair umpire get an umbrella and i don't!
* tennis contest?
* Victor: what are you wearing? a welder's mask?
Hayley: eclipse glasses.
* Victor: i'm Isner, all i've got is a fast serve.
* Calvin: alright honey, this is your new racquet. we blew the entire budget of the show on this. if you break it, you have nothing. we can't use CGI anymore for the rest of the season.
* the school: *screaming* SHE HAS NO HEAD!
Principal: wait. it could just be a camera trick. bad CGI. let me put on my glasses to confirm.
* Preston: do the dab.
Hayley: but i can't see.
Preston: that's the point. you do the dab so you can't see.
* take 1
Victor: THAT'S NOT A ROBOT ARM!!! THAT'S MY REAL ARM!!! TOO MUCH STEROIDS!!!
* take 2
Hayley: how can you serve a real fireball?
Victor: i'm the new Ranger. i'm replacing Redbot.
Redbot: i'm a better actor than you and i can't use my face.
* Levi: he tossed me clear across the country. i'm in New Jersey.
Chip Lynne: goodbye, Levi, you're off the show.
* Preston: rubber duckie? a floating potted plant? what is this, Sesame Street?
* Mick: i think i'll take up tennis and become a pro in one day.
Preston: that's what Federer did.
Mick: ah yes, but Roger didn't use magic. Roger is a religious experience.
* Preston: i am determined not to cheat. i'm not gonna take any shortcuts anymore. burn the CliffsNotes. this is gonna take some time.
Hayley: how long?
Preston: until after the hiatus.
* Preston: i can turn anything into food? we can use this power to solve world hunger.
Chip Lynne: no, just use it to feed the staff.
* Redbot: hey, you just used a green wig, that's not a real hair spell, you're cheating!
* Mick: never use the Impenetrable Barrier spell. it's black magic. only one dark wizard has ever attempted it.
Preston: what happened to this dark wizard?
Mick: there was this whole thing with the Electoral College...
* return all tools by Lent
* Abrakadanger: they were turtles all along?
Chip Lynne: Budweiser dropped us. they said i needed a sponsor for my drinking. are you guys ready for a Super Team-Up with TMNT again?
* Brody: this is gonna be epic!
Preston: nothing is epic anymore in the internet age.
* the writers finally got around to seeing Kiki's Delivery Service.
Chip Lynne: pantsu.
* Sarah: all that matters is that you look good in that babydol tennis dress, girl.
* Hayley: so i just keep serving till i win the game?
Victor: no actually i'm supposed to hit the ball back.
* Victor: what surface is this tennis court?
Principal: poo.
* Monty: if you're not first you're last.
Victor: i got 2nd Place. the ratings came in this week, Monty. this is the lowest-rated Power Rangers show of all time. do you know who the fans are blaming? us two. they want to kill Victor and Monty. i'm gonna start drinking again. you couldn't have given me a win this week, writers?
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Adventures of Redbot"
learned:
* Chip Lynne: i remember it like it was yesterday. Redbot threatened to leave the set if he wasn't compensated. he wanted more money than even Chrysti Ane makes per. we renegotiated just in time. otherwise we would have gone a whole year without new Power Rangers.
* gotta love this show. this is a recap episode. but it's not really a recap episode. you know?
* Levi: hey Redbot, notice me right here next to you shadowboxing...
* Redbot: i've taken the plunge! i have a blog now like the rest of the billion humans out there!
Levi: a thousand followers? no blogspot has a thousand followers!
* Levi: hey Redbot, you shouldn't embellish. keep your stories completely truthful. even a fib told in fun can come back to bite you on your shiny metal ass.
Redbot: like how you pretended to be Aiden all those years?
* Redbot: don't worry, i've kept all the Ranger identities a secret. but it's okay to trash the fuck out of Mick on here, right?
Levi: oh yeah, get revenge on your boss.
Redbot: the internet is the best.
* Mick: nothing to see here. just my dumb robot.
Redbot: keep it up, Mick. i know your last name isn't Kanic. that was just a play on the word mechanic. just wait till i get back to my blog.
* fan: hello there, Redbot! i'm dressed as Sherlock Holmes for some reason.
* Sherlock Holmes: i'm a big Hollywood director. Bob Lucas, nice to meet you. signature here and sign your life away. look, let's face it, after this show you were gonna be turned into scrap metal.
* Victor: DO NOT SIGN THAT!!! we won't sign without a rider. TWO WORDS: GREEN M&MS.
Monty: that's technically five words.
* Galvanax: you chumps are staring at a blog? that's not how to use the internet. i got the good stuff behind this paywall.
Cosmo: cat videos?
Galvanax: let's just say The Fappening has a Madame Odius page.
* Henrietta Pussycat: meow moew. i'm the villain this week. meow meow.
* Rangers: hey look, it's Mary! our biggest fan! hi, Mary.
Mary gives the Rangers the finger.
* Hayley: okay, Cody, stay here till the plot warrants. that's why the villain is a cat.
Cody: i better be getting paid more than you for this humiliation.
* Rangers: GET AWAY FROM THOSE BOOKS!!!
foot soldiers: what are books?
* Henrietta: once they touch these books, they'll freeze to death. what we're saying to kids is reading is a bad thing.
* dat ass (on that camerawoman)
* Redbot: whoa! i just realized this. i can't believe i'm saying this but Hayley actually has a phatter ass than Chrysti Ane!
* R.I.P. Adam West (no relation to Levi)
* Mary: oh yeah, that time there was that earthquake and all the screaming concertgoers and the stadium cracking in half. yeah, it's still too soon.
* Victor: i wonder what Pick Boy is doing now. besides those cringey Super Bowl spots. ah, U-Pick Live. i remember it like it was yesterday. Candace Bailey was still innocent back then...
* Mick: Redbot! how could you lie like this! who created you?
Redbot: Brian Williams.
* Redbot: your spell won't work on me! i'm a robot.
Henrietta: i'm a cat man. i win.
* Henrietta: i won't say how to defeat me.
*awkward pause*
Brody: you have to or there's no show. i certainly won't be figuring it out.
* Levi: LOOK!
Redbot: at Mary and the speeding locomotive barreling towards her silent-movie-style?
Levi: no, that beautiful old water tower. so West.
* Mary: you are a hero!
Redbot: bad news, kid. this is the one time we didn't use CGI. you're really high up in the clouds.
Mary screams.
* Sarah uses her fire sword.
Preston: hey, you can't use the fire sword. too soon.
* Calvin: don't do it. i like cats.
* Hayley: bite him on his ass, Kodiak!
* Henrietta: ew! Babar just sneezed on me! never meet your heroes.
* Galvanax: believe me, i'm doing you a favor. the more you stay online, the more antisocial you'll become. it's all a fantasy. your followers aren't your friends.
* Sherlock Holmes: i am shocked, SHOCKED! about the falsehoods and the gambling. recycling. i knew we'd squeeze in a positive message.
* Mary: if it wasn't for Redbot, i wouldn't be here.
Redbot: can you say dead on a kid's show?
* Redbot: i wrote this script. i can't wait to get back from Hollywood a huge success and rub it in all my doubters' faces. fuck you, Hayley.
Hayley says something.
Redbot: whoa. i never knew you had a New Zealand accent.
* Mick: *reading Redbot's blog* Mick Kanic is a furry... what? that's not true!
Redbot: you got the Lion-O hair and eyebrows tho.
* Chip Lynne: i remember it like it was yesterday. Redbot threatened to leave the set if he wasn't compensated. he wanted more money than even Chrysti Ane makes per. we renegotiated just in time. otherwise we would have gone a whole year without new Power Rangers.
* gotta love this show. this is a recap episode. but it's not really a recap episode. you know?
* Levi: hey Redbot, notice me right here next to you shadowboxing...
* Redbot: i've taken the plunge! i have a blog now like the rest of the billion humans out there!
Levi: a thousand followers? no blogspot has a thousand followers!
* Levi: hey Redbot, you shouldn't embellish. keep your stories completely truthful. even a fib told in fun can come back to bite you on your shiny metal ass.
Redbot: like how you pretended to be Aiden all those years?
* Redbot: don't worry, i've kept all the Ranger identities a secret. but it's okay to trash the fuck out of Mick on here, right?
Levi: oh yeah, get revenge on your boss.
Redbot: the internet is the best.
* Mick: nothing to see here. just my dumb robot.
Redbot: keep it up, Mick. i know your last name isn't Kanic. that was just a play on the word mechanic. just wait till i get back to my blog.
* fan: hello there, Redbot! i'm dressed as Sherlock Holmes for some reason.
* Sherlock Holmes: i'm a big Hollywood director. Bob Lucas, nice to meet you. signature here and sign your life away. look, let's face it, after this show you were gonna be turned into scrap metal.
* Victor: DO NOT SIGN THAT!!! we won't sign without a rider. TWO WORDS: GREEN M&MS.
Monty: that's technically five words.
* Galvanax: you chumps are staring at a blog? that's not how to use the internet. i got the good stuff behind this paywall.
Cosmo: cat videos?
Galvanax: let's just say The Fappening has a Madame Odius page.
* Henrietta Pussycat: meow moew. i'm the villain this week. meow meow.
* Rangers: hey look, it's Mary! our biggest fan! hi, Mary.
Mary gives the Rangers the finger.
* Hayley: okay, Cody, stay here till the plot warrants. that's why the villain is a cat.
Cody: i better be getting paid more than you for this humiliation.
* Rangers: GET AWAY FROM THOSE BOOKS!!!
foot soldiers: what are books?
* Henrietta: once they touch these books, they'll freeze to death. what we're saying to kids is reading is a bad thing.
* dat ass (on that camerawoman)
* Redbot: whoa! i just realized this. i can't believe i'm saying this but Hayley actually has a phatter ass than Chrysti Ane!
* R.I.P. Adam West (no relation to Levi)
* Mary: oh yeah, that time there was that earthquake and all the screaming concertgoers and the stadium cracking in half. yeah, it's still too soon.
* Victor: i wonder what Pick Boy is doing now. besides those cringey Super Bowl spots. ah, U-Pick Live. i remember it like it was yesterday. Candace Bailey was still innocent back then...
* Mick: Redbot! how could you lie like this! who created you?
Redbot: Brian Williams.
* Redbot: your spell won't work on me! i'm a robot.
Henrietta: i'm a cat man. i win.
* Henrietta: i won't say how to defeat me.
*awkward pause*
Brody: you have to or there's no show. i certainly won't be figuring it out.
* Levi: LOOK!
Redbot: at Mary and the speeding locomotive barreling towards her silent-movie-style?
Levi: no, that beautiful old water tower. so West.
* Mary: you are a hero!
Redbot: bad news, kid. this is the one time we didn't use CGI. you're really high up in the clouds.
Mary screams.
* Sarah uses her fire sword.
Preston: hey, you can't use the fire sword. too soon.
* Calvin: don't do it. i like cats.
* Hayley: bite him on his ass, Kodiak!
* Henrietta: ew! Babar just sneezed on me! never meet your heroes.
* Galvanax: believe me, i'm doing you a favor. the more you stay online, the more antisocial you'll become. it's all a fantasy. your followers aren't your friends.
* Sherlock Holmes: i am shocked, SHOCKED! about the falsehoods and the gambling. recycling. i knew we'd squeeze in a positive message.
* Mary: if it wasn't for Redbot, i wouldn't be here.
Redbot: can you say dead on a kid's show?
* Redbot: i wrote this script. i can't wait to get back from Hollywood a huge success and rub it in all my doubters' faces. fuck you, Hayley.
Hayley says something.
Redbot: whoa. i never knew you had a New Zealand accent.
* Mick: *reading Redbot's blog* Mick Kanic is a furry... what? that's not true!
Redbot: you got the Lion-O hair and eyebrows tho.
Justice League Action "Harley Goes Ape!"
learned:
* not a commentary on inner-city crime
* but indeed a commentary on animal cruelty
* i miss Alice.
* Gorilla Grodd: Titano, turn the way i want. Titano, i should have just wired my brain directly to yours and avoided the middle man.
* Grodd: who needs gangs? notice i call him a chimp cos i'm superior. you know you're feeling it when you use one of those swirly straws.
* Superman: there are distinctions between monkeys. including humans.
* Grodd: Titano, look up in the sky. it's a bird, it's a plane...
Titano: that no bird. that no plane.
* Grodd: DESTROY HIM, TITANO!
Titano: i'd rather think about things.
* Stargirl: this place is a ghost town. well it is Halloween. i wonder what Firestorm dressed up as?
* Harley: scatting and waltzing, my first loves. i shoulda been in show biz.
* Stargirl: i'm making a citizen's arrest!
Harley: Yankee Poodle...
Stargirl: that should have been my name, more imaginative.
* Harley: i'm kissing you. on a kid's show. i don't like you. i'm just messing with your head. psychological warfare. let the crack ship commence.
* Harley: i'm your best friend!
Grodd: and you are?
Harley: a cool character who got damaged and sexualized through the years to ridiculousness. now i'm more of a symbol of abuse in a relationship.
Grodd: hey what happened to your voice? i like the original voice better.
* Harley: it's me, Titano, Harleen! remember our song and dance? this was back when Barney was popular.
* Grodd: cease that racist song at once, human! i mean, clown!
* Harley: who are you?
Superman: relax, Harley, it's me. don't know why i didn't think of this iron suit like 50 years ago. could have saved me decades of pain and defeats.
* Cartoon Network executive: no science. action only. we are not that new Spider-Man cartoon.
* Harley: the Powerpuff Girls show is not going too well, huh?
Stargirl: it started off strong. but faded.
* Harley: before i was a shrink i was an animal shrink. i was a strong independent woman...
* in hammock together
Harley: i love you, Titano
tiny Titano: i love you, mommy.
Harley: you're going to be my only child. i don't have the best luck with men.
* Harley: *crying* if it wasn't for that kryptonite meteor, i wouldn't have seen Titano again. he'd still be flying in space to galactic dimensions unknown right now as we speak.
Superman: luckily he did crash into that kryptonite meteor. that was the last kryptonite meteor flying around in space.
* Harley: *blows nose* thank you. here's your used tissue back.
Stargirl: that's my miniskirt.
* btw, isn't keeping a used mucusy handerchief around with you in your pocket unsanitary?
* Pa Kent: hi Clark.
Pa Kent: bye Clark. Ma Clark's dead.
* Harley: headshots in a kid's cartoon? too violent.
Stargirl: my Favorability Rating just plummeted.
* Titano: i'm gonna throw you right into a speeding police van that's how smart i am.
* Stargirl: i could stop you right now with my wand but there's still two minutes left. commence the King Kong tribute!
* Harley: save that Y on the TOY sign, Titano, that Red Baron plane could come in handy.
* command voice: take the shot.
helicopter pilot: whose voice is this?
command voice: Lois Lane.
* Harley: now i'm jealous. maybe if i went back to being blonde...
* Grodd: fog of war...
Harley: tell me all about it. before we start i am legally obligated to inform you i am not a licensed therapist.
Grodd: you're not gonna sing to me, are you?
Harley: oh no.
Grodd: cos i'd like you to.
* not a commentary on inner-city crime
* but indeed a commentary on animal cruelty
* i miss Alice.
* Gorilla Grodd: Titano, turn the way i want. Titano, i should have just wired my brain directly to yours and avoided the middle man.
* Grodd: who needs gangs? notice i call him a chimp cos i'm superior. you know you're feeling it when you use one of those swirly straws.
* Superman: there are distinctions between monkeys. including humans.
* Grodd: Titano, look up in the sky. it's a bird, it's a plane...
Titano: that no bird. that no plane.
* Grodd: DESTROY HIM, TITANO!
Titano: i'd rather think about things.
* Stargirl: this place is a ghost town. well it is Halloween. i wonder what Firestorm dressed up as?
* Harley: scatting and waltzing, my first loves. i shoulda been in show biz.
* Stargirl: i'm making a citizen's arrest!
Harley: Yankee Poodle...
Stargirl: that should have been my name, more imaginative.
* Harley: i'm kissing you. on a kid's show. i don't like you. i'm just messing with your head. psychological warfare. let the crack ship commence.
* Harley: i'm your best friend!
Grodd: and you are?
Harley: a cool character who got damaged and sexualized through the years to ridiculousness. now i'm more of a symbol of abuse in a relationship.
Grodd: hey what happened to your voice? i like the original voice better.
* Harley: it's me, Titano, Harleen! remember our song and dance? this was back when Barney was popular.
* Grodd: cease that racist song at once, human! i mean, clown!
* Harley: who are you?
Superman: relax, Harley, it's me. don't know why i didn't think of this iron suit like 50 years ago. could have saved me decades of pain and defeats.
* Cartoon Network executive: no science. action only. we are not that new Spider-Man cartoon.
* Harley: the Powerpuff Girls show is not going too well, huh?
Stargirl: it started off strong. but faded.
* Harley: before i was a shrink i was an animal shrink. i was a strong independent woman...
* in hammock together
Harley: i love you, Titano
tiny Titano: i love you, mommy.
Harley: you're going to be my only child. i don't have the best luck with men.
* Harley: *crying* if it wasn't for that kryptonite meteor, i wouldn't have seen Titano again. he'd still be flying in space to galactic dimensions unknown right now as we speak.
Superman: luckily he did crash into that kryptonite meteor. that was the last kryptonite meteor flying around in space.
* Harley: *blows nose* thank you. here's your used tissue back.
Stargirl: that's my miniskirt.
* btw, isn't keeping a used mucusy handerchief around with you in your pocket unsanitary?
* Pa Kent: hi Clark.
Pa Kent: bye Clark. Ma Clark's dead.
* Harley: headshots in a kid's cartoon? too violent.
Stargirl: my Favorability Rating just plummeted.
* Titano: i'm gonna throw you right into a speeding police van that's how smart i am.
* Stargirl: i could stop you right now with my wand but there's still two minutes left. commence the King Kong tribute!
* Harley: save that Y on the TOY sign, Titano, that Red Baron plane could come in handy.
* command voice: take the shot.
helicopter pilot: whose voice is this?
command voice: Lois Lane.
* Harley: now i'm jealous. maybe if i went back to being blonde...
* Grodd: fog of war...
Harley: tell me all about it. before we start i am legally obligated to inform you i am not a licensed therapist.
Grodd: you're not gonna sing to me, are you?
Harley: oh no.
Grodd: cos i'd like you to.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Monkey Business"
learned:
* not about Trump
* Calvin: a vulnerable woman shouldn't be walking the mean streets alone.
Hayley: very funny. i'm a Ranger, remember? where were you? you were supposed to pick me up.
Calvin: didn't you say once you loved me for my absentmindedness?
Hayley: yeah but after Jerry Lewis died it's just not the same.
* monkey monster: they blew the budget with my costume. i'm a monkey with flappy ears with the body of a phone only your parents would understand.
Chip Lynne: those aren't ears.
* Sarah: never realized how short i was till now.
Preston: yo Calvin, if you don't treat yo girl right i'm stealing her.
Principal: hello, i'm here to start the plot. I wonder if an episode will delve into my personal life.
* Calvin: i'll be a better Student Body President than you.
Hayley: but i can fuck better than you.
* Victor: this is my chance to hold onto power forever. i'm running on a platform of cancelling all future elections.
Monty: modern history is so interesting.
* Principal: oh and Sarah, get your fat ass off the desk.
Sarah: jealous of my ass?
Principal: at least i'm married. he put a ring on this cow before i spilled the milk.
* Monkey: now that i can imitate all the Rangers' voices i'll make a killing on those lucrative Power Rangers video games!
* Monkey: and i would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids' bikes.
* Calvin: my poster's bigger than yours.
Hayley: but my **** is bigger than yours. plus, your poster says Big Brother.
Calvin: at least i don't have to use bad CGI on my balloon.
* Calvin: hello everyone, class, can you turn the music down? i want to pick up this mic not to drop it but to let you all know i care. i'm using my inside voice. cos we're inside. you trust this voice. make sure to vote twice. i can fix things. i'll fix your heart, girl.
Hayley: that was really sincere. are you sure you're not doing this just to spite me?
Calvin: i spit fire for you, girl. wanna fuck after school on the Principal's desk?
Hayley: sure.
Calvin: can't. can only give you a kiss on the cheek. kid's show.
Hayley: oh yeah, i keep forgetting we're not on 90210.
* Hayley: cupcakes? but that's my grandmother's recipe.
Calvin: sure is. and it tastes oh so fine.
Hayley: you don't understand. my grandmother was part of the struggle. it was for white landowners. she put **** in it.
* Victor: dammit, Monty, this isn't hot sauce, it's strawberry sauce.
* Principal: look at this mess! it's perfect for the porn we're shooting here later tonight!
* Monkey: i heard this and i heard that.
Calvin: wait, who is this?
Monkey: a complete stranger.
Calvin: i'll be right over. i'm in the yellow truck cos i'm the Yellow Ranger.
* Monkey: keep the Pink one tied-up...
* Monkey: i heard he said this and she only did this cos of that.
Hayley: wait, who are you?
Monkey: i'm using a voice modulator.
Hayley: OMG Soundwave is my favorite Transformer! i'll be right over.
* Mick: hello. i'm here to give the moral. you shouldn't trust everything you hear. i'm quitting the show. they really need me over at Neighbours, the ratings are down.
* Monkey: yo folks, meet me at the Plaza.
Levi: holdup. i was born at night but it was last night on a country farm. who is this again?
Monkey: a monkey monster from outer space who likes to gossip.
Levi: he sounds like you, Hayley.
Hayley: fuck you, Levi.
* Hayley: behold! my holes!
* Preston: i'm a motherfucking ninja! i'm a trash man! i don't want to be a magician anymore!
* Hayley: hold on to that burlap sack. i need it for my dress to the Cinderella Ball.
* Monkey: wait! i'm Calvin trapped in this monkey's body!
Hayley: nice try. i know my boyfriend's voice. besides, that's next episode.
* Levi: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE....
Preston: Kamen Rider?
* Levi: but first, let me take a selfie.
Monkey: i may be a monkey's uncle, but you're a grown man with a burger phone. do you sell burgers or something?
Levi: i like burgers, okay?
* Hayley: yo my wolf zord can emit some crazy high-pitched frequencies.
Sarah: what is it saying?
Hayley: it doesn't like being trapped in a zoo. it wants its freedom. it wants to go back to Alaska. it wants Alaska to secede and go back to Canada where it belongs.
* Brody: why do we have to go through the Gigantify process every time?
Chip Lynn: gotta sell toys.
* Brody: yo can i try something before you explode?
Monkey: sure.
Brody: anyone got a large coin?
* Monty: don't worry. it's like Carrie but not really.
* Victor: sorry. i know i'm a good actor but these are CGI balloons. CGI balloons. i'm quitting the show.
Monty: you can't, Victor. kids have come up to me at cons and told me we were their favorite characters.
Victor: *crying* thank you. it's tough when you're not appreciated for your work.
* not about Trump
* Calvin: a vulnerable woman shouldn't be walking the mean streets alone.
Hayley: very funny. i'm a Ranger, remember? where were you? you were supposed to pick me up.
Calvin: didn't you say once you loved me for my absentmindedness?
Hayley: yeah but after Jerry Lewis died it's just not the same.
* monkey monster: they blew the budget with my costume. i'm a monkey with flappy ears with the body of a phone only your parents would understand.
Chip Lynne: those aren't ears.
* Sarah: never realized how short i was till now.
Preston: yo Calvin, if you don't treat yo girl right i'm stealing her.
Principal: hello, i'm here to start the plot. I wonder if an episode will delve into my personal life.
* Calvin: i'll be a better Student Body President than you.
Hayley: but i can fuck better than you.
* Victor: this is my chance to hold onto power forever. i'm running on a platform of cancelling all future elections.
Monty: modern history is so interesting.
* Principal: oh and Sarah, get your fat ass off the desk.
Sarah: jealous of my ass?
Principal: at least i'm married. he put a ring on this cow before i spilled the milk.
* Monkey: now that i can imitate all the Rangers' voices i'll make a killing on those lucrative Power Rangers video games!
* Monkey: and i would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids' bikes.
* Calvin: my poster's bigger than yours.
Hayley: but my **** is bigger than yours. plus, your poster says Big Brother.
Calvin: at least i don't have to use bad CGI on my balloon.
* Calvin: hello everyone, class, can you turn the music down? i want to pick up this mic not to drop it but to let you all know i care. i'm using my inside voice. cos we're inside. you trust this voice. make sure to vote twice. i can fix things. i'll fix your heart, girl.
Hayley: that was really sincere. are you sure you're not doing this just to spite me?
Calvin: i spit fire for you, girl. wanna fuck after school on the Principal's desk?
Hayley: sure.
Calvin: can't. can only give you a kiss on the cheek. kid's show.
Hayley: oh yeah, i keep forgetting we're not on 90210.
* Hayley: cupcakes? but that's my grandmother's recipe.
Calvin: sure is. and it tastes oh so fine.
Hayley: you don't understand. my grandmother was part of the struggle. it was for white landowners. she put **** in it.
* Victor: dammit, Monty, this isn't hot sauce, it's strawberry sauce.
* Principal: look at this mess! it's perfect for the porn we're shooting here later tonight!
* Monkey: i heard this and i heard that.
Calvin: wait, who is this?
Monkey: a complete stranger.
Calvin: i'll be right over. i'm in the yellow truck cos i'm the Yellow Ranger.
* Monkey: keep the Pink one tied-up...
* Monkey: i heard he said this and she only did this cos of that.
Hayley: wait, who are you?
Monkey: i'm using a voice modulator.
Hayley: OMG Soundwave is my favorite Transformer! i'll be right over.
* Mick: hello. i'm here to give the moral. you shouldn't trust everything you hear. i'm quitting the show. they really need me over at Neighbours, the ratings are down.
* Monkey: yo folks, meet me at the Plaza.
Levi: holdup. i was born at night but it was last night on a country farm. who is this again?
Monkey: a monkey monster from outer space who likes to gossip.
Levi: he sounds like you, Hayley.
Hayley: fuck you, Levi.
* Hayley: behold! my holes!
* Preston: i'm a motherfucking ninja! i'm a trash man! i don't want to be a magician anymore!
* Hayley: hold on to that burlap sack. i need it for my dress to the Cinderella Ball.
* Monkey: wait! i'm Calvin trapped in this monkey's body!
Hayley: nice try. i know my boyfriend's voice. besides, that's next episode.
* Levi: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE....
Preston: Kamen Rider?
* Levi: but first, let me take a selfie.
Monkey: i may be a monkey's uncle, but you're a grown man with a burger phone. do you sell burgers or something?
Levi: i like burgers, okay?
* Hayley: yo my wolf zord can emit some crazy high-pitched frequencies.
Sarah: what is it saying?
Hayley: it doesn't like being trapped in a zoo. it wants its freedom. it wants to go back to Alaska. it wants Alaska to secede and go back to Canada where it belongs.
* Brody: why do we have to go through the Gigantify process every time?
Chip Lynn: gotta sell toys.
* Brody: yo can i try something before you explode?
Monkey: sure.
Brody: anyone got a large coin?
* Monty: don't worry. it's like Carrie but not really.
* Victor: sorry. i know i'm a good actor but these are CGI balloons. CGI balloons. i'm quitting the show.
Monty: you can't, Victor. kids have come up to me at cons and told me we were their favorite characters.
Victor: *crying* thank you. it's tough when you're not appreciated for your work.
Justice League Action "E. Nigma, Consulting Detective"
learned:
* best title ever
* consulting detective, i'm gonna use that from now on.
* "nique", i'm using that, too.
* Joker: Burns? the hounds thing was mine first. check my first comic when i was still human and mild-mannered and Bruce's friend.
* diner eater: dude, not cool. just cos my eggs and bacon are a face don't mean you can shove my face into that face.
* Wonder Woman: where's Joker?!
stooge: will you go out with me? i'm rich. just turned rich after that bank job.
* Wonder Woman: Nigma's been given a clean bill of health. women don't scour the internet for porn, they check men's medical records.
* Green Arrow: yes but can we trust a pimp?
* Riddler: sorry, toots, you're not my type.
Wonder Woman: no, this is a lasso. not a sex thing at all.
Riddler: that clown stole my act! riddling is my thing. it's my only superpower.
Batman: i can relate.
* Riddler: life itself is a riddle.
Wonder Woman: and what is the answer?
Riddler: dunno. but we're here, right?
* Green Arrow: hey man, i'm not dumb! just never watched Sesame Street as a kid i had a rough childhood.
* Riddler: rebus.
Green Arrow: sounds like a disease.
* Riddler: Sol is our sun's name, connection with the first episode, mon is Jamaican for man, not racist, grunt, you know all about that Wonder Woman, and tee, just one peppermint for me.
* Green Arrow: okay so maybe i am dumb.
* Solomon Grundy: i'm Sol like the sun. i'm actually Chinese but you can't tell on account of my skin condition.
* Riddler: taste it.
Green Arrow: no. i gave up purple stuff long ago. i'm a Sunny D man.
* Wonder Woman: Iceberg Club. where i confessed my love for Batman.
* Penguin: please, Edward, stay.
Riddler: what?
Penguin: no seriously. as you can see, this dump's empty most of the time. i'm hemorrhaging money like sockeye salmon swimming upstream. worst investment of my life. the place is underwater.
* Wonder Woman: finally some action. notice how it's I, the woman, saying this.
* Penguin: like my umbrella gun? sorry.
* Riddler: what kind of pastry?
Green Arrow: CUPCAKE! CUPCAKE!
* Riddler: i don't use maps. i'm a man.
* this episode brought to you by Champ Beans.
* Joker: honor amongst thieves?
Riddler: you stole my heart. ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it.
* Wonder Woman: before we start, can i have that huge Redbottom heel?
* Joker: what's the hangup?
Riddler: you talentless hack!
Joker: don't we have an ongoing comic series about this?
* Joker: behold my sucker!
* Riddler: you're getting sloppy, Joker.
Wonder Woman: that's what she said.
* Joker: are you dumb, Riddler?
Riddler: NO! I WATCHED SESAME STREET!
* Riddler: MISSISSIPPI GODDAM!!!
* Joker: how could you!? never dunk a donut in coffee that ruins it!
* Green Arrow: so are you ready to join the Justice League, Riddler?
Riddler: no but can i stay in the Watchtower bathroom for awhile while i get back on my feet?
* Riddler: crazy as a soup sandwich? what does that even mean?
Joker: it's crazy.
* best title ever
* consulting detective, i'm gonna use that from now on.
* "nique", i'm using that, too.
* Joker: Burns? the hounds thing was mine first. check my first comic when i was still human and mild-mannered and Bruce's friend.
* diner eater: dude, not cool. just cos my eggs and bacon are a face don't mean you can shove my face into that face.
* Wonder Woman: where's Joker?!
stooge: will you go out with me? i'm rich. just turned rich after that bank job.
* Wonder Woman: Nigma's been given a clean bill of health. women don't scour the internet for porn, they check men's medical records.
* Green Arrow: yes but can we trust a pimp?
* Riddler: sorry, toots, you're not my type.
Wonder Woman: no, this is a lasso. not a sex thing at all.
Riddler: that clown stole my act! riddling is my thing. it's my only superpower.
Batman: i can relate.
* Riddler: life itself is a riddle.
Wonder Woman: and what is the answer?
Riddler: dunno. but we're here, right?
* Green Arrow: hey man, i'm not dumb! just never watched Sesame Street as a kid i had a rough childhood.
* Riddler: rebus.
Green Arrow: sounds like a disease.
* Riddler: Sol is our sun's name, connection with the first episode, mon is Jamaican for man, not racist, grunt, you know all about that Wonder Woman, and tee, just one peppermint for me.
* Green Arrow: okay so maybe i am dumb.
* Solomon Grundy: i'm Sol like the sun. i'm actually Chinese but you can't tell on account of my skin condition.
* Riddler: taste it.
Green Arrow: no. i gave up purple stuff long ago. i'm a Sunny D man.
* Wonder Woman: Iceberg Club. where i confessed my love for Batman.
* Penguin: please, Edward, stay.
Riddler: what?
Penguin: no seriously. as you can see, this dump's empty most of the time. i'm hemorrhaging money like sockeye salmon swimming upstream. worst investment of my life. the place is underwater.
* Wonder Woman: finally some action. notice how it's I, the woman, saying this.
* Penguin: like my umbrella gun? sorry.
* Riddler: what kind of pastry?
Green Arrow: CUPCAKE! CUPCAKE!
* Riddler: i don't use maps. i'm a man.
* this episode brought to you by Champ Beans.
* Joker: honor amongst thieves?
Riddler: you stole my heart. ripped it out of my chest and stomped on it.
* Wonder Woman: before we start, can i have that huge Redbottom heel?
* Joker: what's the hangup?
Riddler: you talentless hack!
Joker: don't we have an ongoing comic series about this?
* Joker: behold my sucker!
* Riddler: you're getting sloppy, Joker.
Wonder Woman: that's what she said.
* Joker: are you dumb, Riddler?
Riddler: NO! I WATCHED SESAME STREET!
* Riddler: MISSISSIPPI GODDAM!!!
* Joker: how could you!? never dunk a donut in coffee that ruins it!
* Green Arrow: so are you ready to join the Justice League, Riddler?
Riddler: no but can i stay in the Watchtower bathroom for awhile while i get back on my feet?
* Riddler: crazy as a soup sandwich? what does that even mean?
Joker: it's crazy.
Justice League Action "Phased and Confused"
learned:
* tricky, Cartoon Network. only discovered this first episode this week with wiki. thank goodness for Xfinity On Demand.
* for all you fans of Booster Gold, for all you who thought he had changed, had reformed his party-dude ways, i am sorry.
* Zod: kneel before Zod.
the sun: kneel before Sol.
* Batman: it's called a solar flare.
Superman puts on his eclipse glasses.
* Booster Gold: don't make fun of me. i'm training to be a monk.
Wonder Woman: *laughing* he's afraid of women.
* the Star Labs symbol is Queensryche.
* Faora: get us out of this accursed Kryptonian Prism, Zod! i've been in close quarters with this sweaty hog! it actually makes me miss Daffy Duck!
* Batman: *takes picture* smile. Killing Joke joke.
* Batman: this is bad. very bad. i can't type anymore. i can't access porn.
* Booster: good news: i brought pizza. bad news: i stole it.
* Booster: this is unbelievable.
Wonder Woman: i know. they only showed half of my beautiful face.
* Computer: next time, no distress signal, no game.
* Booster: i recognize this as Morse code. i don't understand Morse code tho. time to replace this bulb.
Wonder Woman: damn you, Booster!
Booster: what? you'll thank me later. the light did need replacing.
* Booster: time to do my best Tom Cruise impression. i mean Batman impression. i mean Kevin Conroy impresson. i mean Pete Townshend impression. i'm actually not drunk here, this is just how i am.
* Superman: it's speeding bullet. sorry.
* Booster: i actually do cross-dress. representation, aye?
* Booster: hello, Arkham Asylum?
Bart Simpson: yes?
Booster: nevermind.
* Booster: gardener, get it? Guy. Green Lantern.
* Wonder Woman: it's coming from the Watchtower bathroom!
Superman: we have a Watchtower bathroom? i pee in space.
* Batman: i may have just enough substance for this.
Superman: you have too much substance. you should lighten up once in a while.
Wonder Woman: look at the mirror, Booster. Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!
* Booster: oh a piece of candy. oh a piece of candy...
Lex Luthor: that's my line!
* Booster: there's not really a rule for it is there.
Booster: OH MY ZOD! ONE WHOLE DOLLAR!
* Booster: you have a nice bod...
Zod: no! i...wait, what? oh thanks.
* Booster: OMG. guys? what happened to you? you're all dead ghosts!
* Booster: thanks. you're doing me a solid. solid gold.
* Zod: FELLED BY A JAWBREAKER!!!
Faora: that's what she said.
* Superman: doubt i'll feel it. i don't feel anything. i can't express my emotions.
Wonder Woman: that's why we're dating, Clark. we'll get through this.
* Booster: i never knew you cared.
Superman: i can't care.
* tricky, Cartoon Network. only discovered this first episode this week with wiki. thank goodness for Xfinity On Demand.
* for all you fans of Booster Gold, for all you who thought he had changed, had reformed his party-dude ways, i am sorry.
* Zod: kneel before Zod.
the sun: kneel before Sol.
* Batman: it's called a solar flare.
Superman puts on his eclipse glasses.
* Booster Gold: don't make fun of me. i'm training to be a monk.
Wonder Woman: *laughing* he's afraid of women.
* the Star Labs symbol is Queensryche.
* Faora: get us out of this accursed Kryptonian Prism, Zod! i've been in close quarters with this sweaty hog! it actually makes me miss Daffy Duck!
* Batman: *takes picture* smile. Killing Joke joke.
* Batman: this is bad. very bad. i can't type anymore. i can't access porn.
* Booster: good news: i brought pizza. bad news: i stole it.
* Booster: this is unbelievable.
Wonder Woman: i know. they only showed half of my beautiful face.
* Computer: next time, no distress signal, no game.
* Booster: i recognize this as Morse code. i don't understand Morse code tho. time to replace this bulb.
Wonder Woman: damn you, Booster!
Booster: what? you'll thank me later. the light did need replacing.
* Booster: time to do my best Tom Cruise impression. i mean Batman impression. i mean Kevin Conroy impresson. i mean Pete Townshend impression. i'm actually not drunk here, this is just how i am.
* Superman: it's speeding bullet. sorry.
* Booster: i actually do cross-dress. representation, aye?
* Booster: hello, Arkham Asylum?
Bart Simpson: yes?
Booster: nevermind.
* Booster: gardener, get it? Guy. Green Lantern.
* Wonder Woman: it's coming from the Watchtower bathroom!
Superman: we have a Watchtower bathroom? i pee in space.
* Batman: i may have just enough substance for this.
Superman: you have too much substance. you should lighten up once in a while.
Wonder Woman: look at the mirror, Booster. Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!
* Booster: oh a piece of candy. oh a piece of candy...
Lex Luthor: that's my line!
* Booster: there's not really a rule for it is there.
Booster: OH MY ZOD! ONE WHOLE DOLLAR!
* Booster: you have a nice bod...
Zod: no! i...wait, what? oh thanks.
* Booster: OMG. guys? what happened to you? you're all dead ghosts!
* Booster: thanks. you're doing me a solid. solid gold.
* Zod: FELLED BY A JAWBREAKER!!!
Faora: that's what she said.
* Superman: doubt i'll feel it. i don't feel anything. i can't express my emotions.
Wonder Woman: that's why we're dating, Clark. we'll get through this.
* Booster: i never knew you cared.
Superman: i can't care.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Grave Robber"
learned:
* just here to see Chrysti Ane's "costume".
* meh.
* strangely, we don't see Victor and Monty's costumes. seems like a missed opportunity. Monty would have gone as Victor.
* i give this episode props for not really being a recap episode. even though it basically is. let's see if the Christmas special is recappy or not...
* Rangers: Levi, your song sucks.
* old woman: i'm donating these priceless valuables.
teacher: who are you?
old woman: Madame Odius, obviously. without the costume. or maybe her voice actress.
* teacher: yeah we don't need a magnifying glass here. this isn't a real school.
* Levi: yeah i don't really like board games.
Rangers: you like video games?
Levi: i like to play with a stick.
* Levi: do you find it strange that i'm this famous singer and the rest of the school doesn't seem to give a fuck? imagine if Justin Bieber went to a random school and started taking classes. the girls, and boys, would freak.
Sarah: yeah but you're not Justin Bieber.
Levi: good point.
Sarah: that's a good idea for a reality show tho.
* Brody: i'm British. cos i need to learn English.
Preston: i'm a real magician. at least for one day. hey i just realized i'm the name of a Ghostbuster!
Hayley: that's Winston.
* Preston: so this game is more satanic than Ouija?
Sarah: sure. look at me. there's a reason i got to be this beautiful.
* Cosmo: this is reminiscent of all those Power Rangers Halloween specials you used to watch on Fox Kids and the WB. where Rita or some such would cast a spell and there'd be lots of misty smoke and haunted castles and fruit punch. back when life was good and tv was better.
* Calvin: so this is the new Monopoly?
* Preston: oh shit. the hourglass pushes sand down no matter if it's turned upside-down. it's like the stomach. the water you drink upside-down doesn't suddenly fall out of your mouth.
* Brody: guys, with these weird die it looks like we're playing D&D. don't worry, we're still the cool kids on campus.
* Sarah: wait, i want to bring my remote-control vibrator.
Preston: what?
Sarah: i use this tool to sense the monster's vibrations. let's go! Go Go Power Rangers!
* Brody: you made these?
Sarah: what, cos i'm a girl?
Brody: no it's just this is exactly the wind paraglider from Breath of the Wild.
Chip Lynne: i had all the ideas for Zelda and everything.
* Preston: SURPRISE, MOTHERFU___!!!
Slogre: dude, i had to use the Slow Mist on you. kid's show.
* Cosmo: you get one of these loser cards. they're collectible!
Preston: Yu-gi-oh?
Cosmo: that's old hat. get it, old hat?
Calvin: Garbage Pail Kids?
Cosmo: warmer.
Brody: '90s Marvel cards?
Cosmo: ding ding ding! we have a winner! in looks anyway.
Sarah and Hayley: girls don't collect cards.
* Calvin: i'm in some sort of junkyard. like i said, Garbage Pail Kids.
* truck driver: bro, thanks for the cool racing stripes! i'm so tired, i'm gonna go beddy-bye now...
* monster: one ring to rule them all!
Calvin: reach for that golden ring...
monster: sure, and swing your way down a cliff!
* Calvin: lucky that bed of leaves was there. i should have died.
Sarah: kid's show. look at my non-slutty costume.
* Cosmo: i've got an idea! evil Zords!
Chip Lynne: we've done that plotline already.
* Mick: i'm here to expound on this week's lesson. i got 600 dollars for my trouble. that's enough for Christmas pressies this year.
* Levi: it sounds selfish when you put it like that.
Mick: how else would you put it?
Levi: fuck you, Mick.
* Levi: the door's stuck. whatever, i'm going to my mom's house.
* Levi: this board game is actually kinda cool. i think i'm into Satanism.
* Sarah: LEVI! i've never been more glad to see anyone in my entire life!
Brody starts to cry. his tears stain his Ranger suit.
* Cosmo: you cheated!
Levi: i know. i won the genetics lottery. sorry, can't help it.
* Cosmo: NO! not my hourglass! now i'll never know how my stomach works!
* Calvin: i've never been so happy to stand up in my entire life. i have to take a shit real bad.
* Levi: next time, i'll do whatever you guys want. if you want me to jump off a bridge, i'll die. i believe in Father Zordon, he'll resurrect me and make me a zombie.
* Preston: hey guys, it's dark out.
Hayley: mommy won't let you out late?
Preston: my mommy's dead.
Sarah: hey guys, aren't we a little too old to go trick-or-treating?
Chip Lynne: yes. but you all still have your porn scenes to shoot tonight.
Rangers: *all groaning* even on Halloween?
* just here to see Chrysti Ane's "costume".
* meh.
* strangely, we don't see Victor and Monty's costumes. seems like a missed opportunity. Monty would have gone as Victor.
* i give this episode props for not really being a recap episode. even though it basically is. let's see if the Christmas special is recappy or not...
* Rangers: Levi, your song sucks.
* old woman: i'm donating these priceless valuables.
teacher: who are you?
old woman: Madame Odius, obviously. without the costume. or maybe her voice actress.
* teacher: yeah we don't need a magnifying glass here. this isn't a real school.
* Levi: yeah i don't really like board games.
Rangers: you like video games?
Levi: i like to play with a stick.
* Levi: do you find it strange that i'm this famous singer and the rest of the school doesn't seem to give a fuck? imagine if Justin Bieber went to a random school and started taking classes. the girls, and boys, would freak.
Sarah: yeah but you're not Justin Bieber.
Levi: good point.
Sarah: that's a good idea for a reality show tho.
* Brody: i'm British. cos i need to learn English.
Preston: i'm a real magician. at least for one day. hey i just realized i'm the name of a Ghostbuster!
Hayley: that's Winston.
* Preston: so this game is more satanic than Ouija?
Sarah: sure. look at me. there's a reason i got to be this beautiful.
* Cosmo: this is reminiscent of all those Power Rangers Halloween specials you used to watch on Fox Kids and the WB. where Rita or some such would cast a spell and there'd be lots of misty smoke and haunted castles and fruit punch. back when life was good and tv was better.
* Calvin: so this is the new Monopoly?
* Preston: oh shit. the hourglass pushes sand down no matter if it's turned upside-down. it's like the stomach. the water you drink upside-down doesn't suddenly fall out of your mouth.
* Brody: guys, with these weird die it looks like we're playing D&D. don't worry, we're still the cool kids on campus.
* Sarah: wait, i want to bring my remote-control vibrator.
Preston: what?
Sarah: i use this tool to sense the monster's vibrations. let's go! Go Go Power Rangers!
* Brody: you made these?
Sarah: what, cos i'm a girl?
Brody: no it's just this is exactly the wind paraglider from Breath of the Wild.
Chip Lynne: i had all the ideas for Zelda and everything.
* Preston: SURPRISE, MOTHERFU___!!!
Slogre: dude, i had to use the Slow Mist on you. kid's show.
* Cosmo: you get one of these loser cards. they're collectible!
Preston: Yu-gi-oh?
Cosmo: that's old hat. get it, old hat?
Calvin: Garbage Pail Kids?
Cosmo: warmer.
Brody: '90s Marvel cards?
Cosmo: ding ding ding! we have a winner! in looks anyway.
Sarah and Hayley: girls don't collect cards.
* Calvin: i'm in some sort of junkyard. like i said, Garbage Pail Kids.
* truck driver: bro, thanks for the cool racing stripes! i'm so tired, i'm gonna go beddy-bye now...
* monster: one ring to rule them all!
Calvin: reach for that golden ring...
monster: sure, and swing your way down a cliff!
* Calvin: lucky that bed of leaves was there. i should have died.
Sarah: kid's show. look at my non-slutty costume.
* Cosmo: i've got an idea! evil Zords!
Chip Lynne: we've done that plotline already.
* Mick: i'm here to expound on this week's lesson. i got 600 dollars for my trouble. that's enough for Christmas pressies this year.
* Levi: it sounds selfish when you put it like that.
Mick: how else would you put it?
Levi: fuck you, Mick.
* Levi: the door's stuck. whatever, i'm going to my mom's house.
* Levi: this board game is actually kinda cool. i think i'm into Satanism.
* Sarah: LEVI! i've never been more glad to see anyone in my entire life!
Brody starts to cry. his tears stain his Ranger suit.
* Cosmo: you cheated!
Levi: i know. i won the genetics lottery. sorry, can't help it.
* Cosmo: NO! not my hourglass! now i'll never know how my stomach works!
* Calvin: i've never been so happy to stand up in my entire life. i have to take a shit real bad.
* Levi: next time, i'll do whatever you guys want. if you want me to jump off a bridge, i'll die. i believe in Father Zordon, he'll resurrect me and make me a zombie.
* Preston: hey guys, it's dark out.
Hayley: mommy won't let you out late?
Preston: my mommy's dead.
Sarah: hey guys, aren't we a little too old to go trick-or-treating?
Chip Lynne: yes. but you all still have your porn scenes to shoot tonight.
Rangers: *all groaning* even on Halloween?
Justice League Action "The Brain Buster"
learned:
* i hate to do this to my beloved show, but this episode was pretty bad. bland and dull. disappointing way to spend the morning. i woke up at 7AM for this!
* this goes back to my theory about episodes which feature ONLY male characters. they never work. they're dead in the water. boring. nobody wants to see a pissing contest for 11, 22, or 47 minutes. there HAS to be women in there to enliven the art.
* whose idea was drones anyway? OBVIOUSLY they were gonna destroy us.
* Lex Luthor: i won Dejarik against myself again. i had all the ideas for Star Wars and everything.
* ah, that Gorilla Grodd clue in the beginning. but it was obscured by the robotic voice. couldn't hear it till the second pass with the subtitles.
* Mr. Terrific: Darkseid quit sudoku when his name was the answer but the sudoku-writer thought it was spelled Darkside.
* Terrific: those world's-smartest lists are never accurate. wait, did i just call myself dumb?
* Terrific: time to T up! just in time for the teeball playoffs!
* Calculator: i'm a human calculator with a tongue. you should see the matches i get on eharmony.
* voice: i'm a flaming pair of groovy glasses. i am a genius like you lot. my name is John Lennon.
* voice: let's start with a race...and end on one.
* there's gotta be a better way to advertise Hot Wheels.
* voice: i'll give you fuel...for your nightmares.
* voice: if you don't complete the Rubik's cube you can't drive. we don't need more smart cars on the road, we need more smart drivers.
* voice: the sphere has the mask of the Ridder. i'm not the '60s Riddler by the way.
* Batman: I AM THE DISCOBALL KING!
* Lex: unlucky for all of you, i have a Game Genie!
* Calculator: how did i not die?
Batman: you're on Cartoon Network at 7AM.
* Terrific: yee-haw strategy, i just made that up right now i'm so brilliant.
* Batman: i am Batman. i always win on a technicality.
* Terrific: i watched a lot of Dukes of Hazzard as a kid. that may seem strange looking at me.
* voice: let's accelerate this game. we only have 11 minutes.
* Batman: do you see the pattern?
Terrific: yes. the one where the good guys always win.
* Lex: too soon for me to use this weapon.
* Terrific: turnabout is fair play. by the way, nobody has ever used that phrase in a real-life conversation.
* Lex: i've never lost a chess match.
Batman: but this isn't 3D chess.
* Batman: chess clocks are stupid. that's not how the world works. you need to take your time with things.
* Lex: Mr. Mind? but you're just a slug. what's your major grievance with the world?
Mr. Mind: everyone in my small town turned into a butterfly except me.
* this episode should have been called "Brain Games".
* Mr. Mind: terrific.
Terrific: yes?
Mr. Mind: no i meant terrific sarcastically.
* i hate to do this to my beloved show, but this episode was pretty bad. bland and dull. disappointing way to spend the morning. i woke up at 7AM for this!
* this goes back to my theory about episodes which feature ONLY male characters. they never work. they're dead in the water. boring. nobody wants to see a pissing contest for 11, 22, or 47 minutes. there HAS to be women in there to enliven the art.
* whose idea was drones anyway? OBVIOUSLY they were gonna destroy us.
* Lex Luthor: i won Dejarik against myself again. i had all the ideas for Star Wars and everything.
* ah, that Gorilla Grodd clue in the beginning. but it was obscured by the robotic voice. couldn't hear it till the second pass with the subtitles.
* Mr. Terrific: Darkseid quit sudoku when his name was the answer but the sudoku-writer thought it was spelled Darkside.
* Terrific: those world's-smartest lists are never accurate. wait, did i just call myself dumb?
* Terrific: time to T up! just in time for the teeball playoffs!
* Calculator: i'm a human calculator with a tongue. you should see the matches i get on eharmony.
* voice: i'm a flaming pair of groovy glasses. i am a genius like you lot. my name is John Lennon.
* voice: let's start with a race...and end on one.
* there's gotta be a better way to advertise Hot Wheels.
* voice: i'll give you fuel...for your nightmares.
* voice: if you don't complete the Rubik's cube you can't drive. we don't need more smart cars on the road, we need more smart drivers.
* voice: the sphere has the mask of the Ridder. i'm not the '60s Riddler by the way.
* Batman: I AM THE DISCOBALL KING!
* Lex: unlucky for all of you, i have a Game Genie!
* Calculator: how did i not die?
Batman: you're on Cartoon Network at 7AM.
* Terrific: yee-haw strategy, i just made that up right now i'm so brilliant.
* Batman: i am Batman. i always win on a technicality.
* Terrific: i watched a lot of Dukes of Hazzard as a kid. that may seem strange looking at me.
* voice: let's accelerate this game. we only have 11 minutes.
* Batman: do you see the pattern?
Terrific: yes. the one where the good guys always win.
* Lex: too soon for me to use this weapon.
* Terrific: turnabout is fair play. by the way, nobody has ever used that phrase in a real-life conversation.
* Lex: i've never lost a chess match.
Batman: but this isn't 3D chess.
* Batman: chess clocks are stupid. that's not how the world works. you need to take your time with things.
* Lex: Mr. Mind? but you're just a slug. what's your major grievance with the world?
Mr. Mind: everyone in my small town turned into a butterfly except me.
* this episode should have been called "Brain Games".
* Mr. Mind: terrific.
Terrific: yes?
Mr. Mind: no i meant terrific sarcastically.
Monday, October 2, 2017
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Butter"
learned:
* the brilliance lies in the conceit of Tim & Eric being sugary-sweet southern lesbians and the other characters don't bat an eyelash. it's taken at face value and no questions are asked. they blend seamlessly into the quaint country landscape.
* in other words, this is way more filmic than Bosom Buddies.
* Tim: the name of the Rhea Perlman character was Maureeen.
Eric: my DVR never subtitled a name for her. not even "woman".
* Eric: i was on Master of None.
Tim: i'm still more popular than you.
* this is the story of that other plot of desert land Walt Disney wanted to fill with his dreams...
* Mongo: why are we running, mama?
Belle: i'm taking you away from the bad man, honey. though it's unclear which situation is worse for you. you're fucked either way.
* the Butter Barn...it's not a club...
* we love helping kids........at the same time you have to get a little fiscally creative when all you sell is butter...
* not exploitative at all..............is it exploitative or exploitive?...........closed Sunday for desert-caravan Worship...
* Bonnie: not now, Mongo, mama's churning the butter.
Mongo: i never see you work.
* Mongo: you know, i know i'm from Mongolia, but you could have called me Jim.
* Mongo: i had a bad dream: i was on this show.
Tim & Eric: we had a long talk with your mom, kid. she's a toots. i know. i know. this is weird. just say your lines and get paid, that's how you survive Hollywood.
* Belle: that's not how you churn butter!
Mongo: but today's special is chunky butter.
Belle: oh. i never get the damn memo. *clapping loud* come on, Mei-Ling!
Mei-Ling: please, just send me back to my mother. she lives in Reseda.
* man and other man in black caravan: *flashing their badges* Scully. Mulder.
Belle & Bonnie: you betta get betta next year, X Files. progressive is the first step. that miniseries-cliffhanger trick was bullshit.
* Belle: *clapping happy* oh and you look like Jackson Browne, too!
* Jackson: what's you name, partner?
Juan Carlos: Nadal.
Jackson: when i say partner i really mean it. you are literally my meal ticket.
Juan Carlos: can i get a meal now?
* Belle: we're his mamas, we're overprotective.
Jackson: ain't that goddang not interesting. say hello, Buck.
Buck: hello, ladies. i'm attracted to you. and i know you're not ladies.
* Jackson: i made a killing in Silicon Valley and got bored. there is nothing worse than being bored.
Bonnie: you're doing Satan's work, sir.
Belle: the rich are evil.
Jackson: i'm like that collector from Star Trek: The Next Generation who had to have one of every endangered species.
Belle: i look at Star Trek: Discovery and weep buckets for the next generation.
* Bonnie: Magabishu...
Belle: can't say maga
* Jackson: we've had a hard time locating kid actors from Mongolia willing to come on this show...
* Bonnie: his parents were Sherpas.
Belle: they never made it to the top of Everest. they were almost there but then mysteriously disappeared. we took the credit when we made it second.
* Jackson: put on these VR headsets, they'll explain everything.
Jackson waits for them to put on the headsets then slowly walks out the door holding Mongo's hand.
Bonnie: like a drunk daisy!
Belle: it's like a Tool video!
* Jackson: it's all on the up-and-up. you'll be my recruiter. like college basketball.
* Buck: you like how i snap my bills? no i don't actually want the butter.
* Belle: where are you?
Bonnie: right here.
Belle: let me stick this vibrator in your vag.
Bonnie: that's not a vibrator, that's the butter-churning pole!
* Bonnie: isn't Dmitri the sweetest and your real favorite boy?
Belle: not if he's Russian. this is the South!
* Belle: i can't see the ipad. too much glare.
Jackson: this was filmed before Kindle but after all the Samsung explosions.
* Belle: with my finger?
Buck: like voting in a third-world country.
* Belle: remember his favorite chicken nuggets.
Mongo: i was vegan this whole time. burn rubber, rich stranger man!
* Bonnie: careful with that butter candle. it melts.
Belle: i'm cutting butter with a butter knife i'm so mad and distracted.
* Belle: you just do what you gon do.
Bonnie: where are you?
Belle: right here.
Bonnie: what are you doing?
Tim: going for my first Dramatic Emmy nomination. i just want to see if i can do this.
Eric: you're a good actor.
* Bonnie: my goodness look at this mansion view!
Belle: this officially has turned into a Tennessee Williams play.
Bonnie: too Spanish for my tastes. but i do love the shrubbery.
* Jackson: sorry for the delay, ladies, takes time to dip children in wax.
Belle & Bonnie: we want to be your ex-wives with custody.
* Belle: what's that sound?
Jackson: the children laughing and playing their video games with the ominous music.
* Jackson: this is Chun. she is what keeps the Chinese government off my back.
* Buck: i stuffed Mongo with cotton.
Belle & Bonnie: like a rightly southern gentleman. now if you'll excuse us this is too horrifying and we're gonna faint from the shock. like fragile-glass southern belles.
* Bonnie: what's wrong with you?
Belle: the vapors. you like it when i call you bitch?
Eric: in real life?
* Belle: *running frantically* don't look back, Mongo, keep running! what's that bright light tailing us?
Mongo: the spotlight on the set.
* Belle: who wants to play Pictionary?!!
Juan Carlos: i said no, pendejo! i told you i want to crayon!
* Bonnie: watch it with that butter paint. it crackles the skin.
Mongo: in all honesty i liked the cotton more.
* best representation of a loving couple on tv this year. 30 minutes. waiting on the feature film. it'll be like if Rod Serling wrote Billion Dollar Movie...
* the brilliance lies in the conceit of Tim & Eric being sugary-sweet southern lesbians and the other characters don't bat an eyelash. it's taken at face value and no questions are asked. they blend seamlessly into the quaint country landscape.
* in other words, this is way more filmic than Bosom Buddies.
* Tim: the name of the Rhea Perlman character was Maureeen.
Eric: my DVR never subtitled a name for her. not even "woman".
* Eric: i was on Master of None.
Tim: i'm still more popular than you.
* this is the story of that other plot of desert land Walt Disney wanted to fill with his dreams...
* Mongo: why are we running, mama?
Belle: i'm taking you away from the bad man, honey. though it's unclear which situation is worse for you. you're fucked either way.
* the Butter Barn...it's not a club...
* we love helping kids........at the same time you have to get a little fiscally creative when all you sell is butter...
* not exploitative at all..............is it exploitative or exploitive?...........closed Sunday for desert-caravan Worship...
* Bonnie: not now, Mongo, mama's churning the butter.
Mongo: i never see you work.
* Mongo: you know, i know i'm from Mongolia, but you could have called me Jim.
* Mongo: i had a bad dream: i was on this show.
Tim & Eric: we had a long talk with your mom, kid. she's a toots. i know. i know. this is weird. just say your lines and get paid, that's how you survive Hollywood.
* Belle: that's not how you churn butter!
Mongo: but today's special is chunky butter.
Belle: oh. i never get the damn memo. *clapping loud* come on, Mei-Ling!
Mei-Ling: please, just send me back to my mother. she lives in Reseda.
* man and other man in black caravan: *flashing their badges* Scully. Mulder.
Belle & Bonnie: you betta get betta next year, X Files. progressive is the first step. that miniseries-cliffhanger trick was bullshit.
* Belle: *clapping happy* oh and you look like Jackson Browne, too!
* Jackson: what's you name, partner?
Juan Carlos: Nadal.
Jackson: when i say partner i really mean it. you are literally my meal ticket.
Juan Carlos: can i get a meal now?
* Belle: we're his mamas, we're overprotective.
Jackson: ain't that goddang not interesting. say hello, Buck.
Buck: hello, ladies. i'm attracted to you. and i know you're not ladies.
* Jackson: i made a killing in Silicon Valley and got bored. there is nothing worse than being bored.
Bonnie: you're doing Satan's work, sir.
Belle: the rich are evil.
Jackson: i'm like that collector from Star Trek: The Next Generation who had to have one of every endangered species.
Belle: i look at Star Trek: Discovery and weep buckets for the next generation.
* Bonnie: Magabishu...
Belle: can't say maga
* Jackson: we've had a hard time locating kid actors from Mongolia willing to come on this show...
* Bonnie: his parents were Sherpas.
Belle: they never made it to the top of Everest. they were almost there but then mysteriously disappeared. we took the credit when we made it second.
* Jackson: put on these VR headsets, they'll explain everything.
Jackson waits for them to put on the headsets then slowly walks out the door holding Mongo's hand.
Bonnie: like a drunk daisy!
Belle: it's like a Tool video!
* Jackson: it's all on the up-and-up. you'll be my recruiter. like college basketball.
* Buck: you like how i snap my bills? no i don't actually want the butter.
* Belle: where are you?
Bonnie: right here.
Belle: let me stick this vibrator in your vag.
Bonnie: that's not a vibrator, that's the butter-churning pole!
* Bonnie: isn't Dmitri the sweetest and your real favorite boy?
Belle: not if he's Russian. this is the South!
* Belle: i can't see the ipad. too much glare.
Jackson: this was filmed before Kindle but after all the Samsung explosions.
* Belle: with my finger?
Buck: like voting in a third-world country.
* Belle: remember his favorite chicken nuggets.
Mongo: i was vegan this whole time. burn rubber, rich stranger man!
* Bonnie: careful with that butter candle. it melts.
Belle: i'm cutting butter with a butter knife i'm so mad and distracted.
* Belle: you just do what you gon do.
Bonnie: where are you?
Belle: right here.
Bonnie: what are you doing?
Tim: going for my first Dramatic Emmy nomination. i just want to see if i can do this.
Eric: you're a good actor.
* Bonnie: my goodness look at this mansion view!
Belle: this officially has turned into a Tennessee Williams play.
Bonnie: too Spanish for my tastes. but i do love the shrubbery.
* Jackson: sorry for the delay, ladies, takes time to dip children in wax.
Belle & Bonnie: we want to be your ex-wives with custody.
* Belle: what's that sound?
Jackson: the children laughing and playing their video games with the ominous music.
* Jackson: this is Chun. she is what keeps the Chinese government off my back.
* Buck: i stuffed Mongo with cotton.
Belle & Bonnie: like a rightly southern gentleman. now if you'll excuse us this is too horrifying and we're gonna faint from the shock. like fragile-glass southern belles.
* Bonnie: what's wrong with you?
Belle: the vapors. you like it when i call you bitch?
Eric: in real life?
* Belle: *running frantically* don't look back, Mongo, keep running! what's that bright light tailing us?
Mongo: the spotlight on the set.
* Belle: who wants to play Pictionary?!!
Juan Carlos: i said no, pendejo! i told you i want to crayon!
* Bonnie: watch it with that butter paint. it crackles the skin.
Mongo: in all honesty i liked the cotton more.
* best representation of a loving couple on tv this year. 30 minutes. waiting on the feature film. it'll be like if Rod Serling wrote Billion Dollar Movie...
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Justice League Action "Forget Me Not"
learned:
* the best flower
* this episode was pure fluff, having no bearing on the main storyline, but it was also the most purely entertaining episode of the series thus far.
* wait, i just realized, does this show even have an arc? it's a comedy!
* Firestorm: my excuse is i started a forest fire.
Professor: you're smoking again, Ronald?
* Firestorm: wow. this place is like Disneyland on a Wednesday.
* Prof: all their comm-links are offline.
Ronald: orgy?
* Firestorm: Clark Kent is Superman? maybe if he wore sunglasses i'd have noticed.
* Firestorm: you don't have to wash this window i phased into ever again. baseball and a tractor, what are you, simple?
* Professor: now i know something's wrong.
Firestorm: goofy mug.
Professor: mild-mannered people never announce that they're mild-mannered.
Firestorm: yep yep, only sociopaths do.
* cheapskates still can't afford a Lois voice. i wonder what Arleen Sorkin is doing right now.
* Firestorm: i got this Japanese idol at a con. in Kansas.
* Firestorm: i'm not gay but i need to look at your barrel chest.
Superman: i got a steel plate in there.
Firestorm: you sure do.
Superman: from my heart operation.
* OMG, it's true. revelation. revelation. all this time, all this time, the costumes of all your favorite superheroes were soaked...
* Superman: thanks for the mirror. i see now. i'm a vampire.
* Firestorm: Clark, i'm gonna drop you now. if you live, we're still on Cartoon Network. if you die, we move to HBO.
* Bruce Wayne: and you are?...
Wonder Woman: not interested.
Bruce Wayne: but i have money.
Wonder Woman: Superman's cuter.
Bruce Wayne: we look exactly the same!
* Superman: this is a phone? i can use this instead of a typewriter?
* Superman: i'll prove it to you. watch me Wile E. Coyote this water.
* Firestorm: hold on, let me blast you with my lasers.
Trinity: you're gonna kill us?
Superman: either my penis is small or i'm just big.
Wonder Woman: who designed my costume? a perv?
Batman: capes have always been hazards. if i trip i'm calling my lawyer.
Firestorm: who's your lawyer?
Batman: aren't i a lawyer?
* Batman: i am Batman.
Firestorm: rasp lower with your voice.
Batman: kid, i'm Kevin Fucking Conroy. you played a fat kid on Nickelodeon.
* reporter: he shoulda went to Jared.
* Felix Faust: how do i not fall off this scooter? its a good thing my muumuu doesn't have a cape.
* Felix Faust: tuna?
stone golem: marbled rye.
Felix: nice one.
stone golem: AND HIS NAME IS.................................STONE COLD.......
Felix: close enough.
* Felix: if anyone asks, i'm the Burger King. without sponsorship there's no hope for Season 2.
stone golem: stop spitting on me.
* Felix: the finest Tibetan robes in all the lettuce...
* Firestorm: are you thirsty? cos i got the punch! i got that from Nickelodeon.
* Batman: i don't actually do anything. yet i'm wildly popular. i'm Seinfeld.
* Batman: i've always wanted a boomerang. aw, it didn't come back.
* Felix: sandwiches are no laughing matter. millions starve to death. food is more valuable than gold. seriously.
* Firestorm: sands of Set?
Felix: i play a lot of video games.
* Felix: oh, i get it, you are of two minds.
Prof: one sane mind.
Ronald: yeah but you have no body. how are you able to talk with no heart blood?
* Wonder Woman: what's wrong, Batman?
Batman: looking for my keys.
* Wonder Woman: i can throw cars. but i'm keeping this Porsche.
* Professor: i'm a vampire?
Firestorm: we're all vampires in this cruel, dog-eat-dog world.
* the best flower
* this episode was pure fluff, having no bearing on the main storyline, but it was also the most purely entertaining episode of the series thus far.
* wait, i just realized, does this show even have an arc? it's a comedy!
* Firestorm: my excuse is i started a forest fire.
Professor: you're smoking again, Ronald?
* Firestorm: wow. this place is like Disneyland on a Wednesday.
* Prof: all their comm-links are offline.
Ronald: orgy?
* Firestorm: Clark Kent is Superman? maybe if he wore sunglasses i'd have noticed.
* Firestorm: you don't have to wash this window i phased into ever again. baseball and a tractor, what are you, simple?
* Professor: now i know something's wrong.
Firestorm: goofy mug.
Professor: mild-mannered people never announce that they're mild-mannered.
Firestorm: yep yep, only sociopaths do.
* cheapskates still can't afford a Lois voice. i wonder what Arleen Sorkin is doing right now.
* Firestorm: i got this Japanese idol at a con. in Kansas.
* Firestorm: i'm not gay but i need to look at your barrel chest.
Superman: i got a steel plate in there.
Firestorm: you sure do.
Superman: from my heart operation.
* OMG, it's true. revelation. revelation. all this time, all this time, the costumes of all your favorite superheroes were soaked...
* Superman: thanks for the mirror. i see now. i'm a vampire.
* Firestorm: Clark, i'm gonna drop you now. if you live, we're still on Cartoon Network. if you die, we move to HBO.
* Bruce Wayne: and you are?...
Wonder Woman: not interested.
Bruce Wayne: but i have money.
Wonder Woman: Superman's cuter.
Bruce Wayne: we look exactly the same!
* Superman: this is a phone? i can use this instead of a typewriter?
* Superman: i'll prove it to you. watch me Wile E. Coyote this water.
* Firestorm: hold on, let me blast you with my lasers.
Trinity: you're gonna kill us?
Superman: either my penis is small or i'm just big.
Wonder Woman: who designed my costume? a perv?
Batman: capes have always been hazards. if i trip i'm calling my lawyer.
Firestorm: who's your lawyer?
Batman: aren't i a lawyer?
* Batman: i am Batman.
Firestorm: rasp lower with your voice.
Batman: kid, i'm Kevin Fucking Conroy. you played a fat kid on Nickelodeon.
* reporter: he shoulda went to Jared.
* Felix Faust: how do i not fall off this scooter? its a good thing my muumuu doesn't have a cape.
* Felix Faust: tuna?
stone golem: marbled rye.
Felix: nice one.
stone golem: AND HIS NAME IS.................................STONE COLD.......
Felix: close enough.
* Felix: if anyone asks, i'm the Burger King. without sponsorship there's no hope for Season 2.
stone golem: stop spitting on me.
* Felix: the finest Tibetan robes in all the lettuce...
* Firestorm: are you thirsty? cos i got the punch! i got that from Nickelodeon.
* Batman: i don't actually do anything. yet i'm wildly popular. i'm Seinfeld.
* Batman: i've always wanted a boomerang. aw, it didn't come back.
* Felix: sandwiches are no laughing matter. millions starve to death. food is more valuable than gold. seriously.
* Firestorm: sands of Set?
Felix: i play a lot of video games.
* Felix: oh, i get it, you are of two minds.
Prof: one sane mind.
Ronald: yeah but you have no body. how are you able to talk with no heart blood?
* Wonder Woman: what's wrong, Batman?
Batman: looking for my keys.
* Wonder Woman: i can throw cars. but i'm keeping this Porsche.
* Professor: i'm a vampire?
Firestorm: we're all vampires in this cruel, dog-eat-dog world.
Monday, September 25, 2017
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Squat"
learned:
* i hate having to do the second one first. is your xfinity box like that, too?
* we all have eyebrow mites.
* she isn't real. there are no women on the internet.
* Forrest: the plastic bag says HAVE A NICE DAY. irony.
* Forrest literally eats salad the way i do. with those embarrassing slivers of plastic cups of sauce.
* and the plastic spork everyone tosses in the trash cos it's too light to hold anything
* hot female jogger in spandex: didn't anyone ever tell you to eat with your mouth closed?
Forrest: everyone has mothers but not everyone has a mother. so that's why i can't get a date.
* Forrest: i do IT at the business park of serviced offices over there.
woman: Tinder tip: no woman cares about what a stranger does.
* woman: see ya.
Forrest: you're not gonna see me ever again.
woman: actually i am.
* Tim: hi. tonight's episode brings up a real serious issue facing our society today. i still feel bad that i got rid of that hatemonger Sam Hyde. well there's a microscopic twinge of guilt in me anyway. i'm glad Cartoon Network is rid of that filth but i still am for free artistic expression. so therefore i wrote this bitchy woman character for you guys to hate. have at it, you lame weakwilled impotent MDEers.
* Forrest: i was gonna check out your gym anyway, you don't have to be rude. i was thinking of bettering myself just now.
* computer: you're 70 pounds overweight.
Forrest: how do you know this isn't my ideal natural weight?
computer: the world runs on money, not compassion.
Forrest: it's hard to go without. the food makes up for all that i go without. like love and stuff.
* Forrest: credit cards are scams, huh?
computer: of course. pretty easy one. didn't your mother ever tell you you were more than a number, you were a flesh-and-blood person?
* computer: you have your choice of trainer. but you must choose Eric.
* Forrest: i need someone to remove this fatsuit from my belly.
* Trent: this is like those Peloton commercials but with less snooty glass mansions, feel me, brah?
Forrest: what's the tube for?
Trent: glass microphone. sing into it. with your penis. welcome to the revamped American Idol!
* Trent: low-quality ham...
Forrest: i had a pierogi.
* Trent: it's called trick squat for a reason.
Forrest: can Dude Perfect come in here and do this?
Trent: no that's typosquatting. that's how adult swim survives with no business model.
* Forrest: THE SPIKE!
Trent: you knew PEDs would be involved, we told you upfront.
Forrest: you tortured me in there!
Trent: sure, yes, but at least you had sex of a sort.
* Pierogi Jones: mozzarella is Italian for lice.
* Forrest: what do you serve here?
Pierogi Jones: Italian lice.
Forrest: i love Italian ice.
* black guy: what proof do you have that you're really alive?
Forrest: i would never choose to do this.
* Forrest: so emotions are just glitches in the system? then i better yell more and not be so mild-mannered so they hear me.
* the Hamiltonization of all art
* woman: your breath is very real.
Forrest: that's a compliment in this virtual world.
* i hate having to do the second one first. is your xfinity box like that, too?
* we all have eyebrow mites.
* she isn't real. there are no women on the internet.
* Forrest: the plastic bag says HAVE A NICE DAY. irony.
* Forrest literally eats salad the way i do. with those embarrassing slivers of plastic cups of sauce.
* and the plastic spork everyone tosses in the trash cos it's too light to hold anything
* hot female jogger in spandex: didn't anyone ever tell you to eat with your mouth closed?
Forrest: everyone has mothers but not everyone has a mother. so that's why i can't get a date.
* Forrest: i do IT at the business park of serviced offices over there.
woman: Tinder tip: no woman cares about what a stranger does.
* woman: see ya.
Forrest: you're not gonna see me ever again.
woman: actually i am.
* Tim: hi. tonight's episode brings up a real serious issue facing our society today. i still feel bad that i got rid of that hatemonger Sam Hyde. well there's a microscopic twinge of guilt in me anyway. i'm glad Cartoon Network is rid of that filth but i still am for free artistic expression. so therefore i wrote this bitchy woman character for you guys to hate. have at it, you lame weakwilled impotent MDEers.
* Forrest: i was gonna check out your gym anyway, you don't have to be rude. i was thinking of bettering myself just now.
* computer: you're 70 pounds overweight.
Forrest: how do you know this isn't my ideal natural weight?
computer: the world runs on money, not compassion.
Forrest: it's hard to go without. the food makes up for all that i go without. like love and stuff.
* Forrest: credit cards are scams, huh?
computer: of course. pretty easy one. didn't your mother ever tell you you were more than a number, you were a flesh-and-blood person?
* computer: you have your choice of trainer. but you must choose Eric.
* Forrest: i need someone to remove this fatsuit from my belly.
* Trent: this is like those Peloton commercials but with less snooty glass mansions, feel me, brah?
Forrest: what's the tube for?
Trent: glass microphone. sing into it. with your penis. welcome to the revamped American Idol!
* Trent: low-quality ham...
Forrest: i had a pierogi.
* Trent: it's called trick squat for a reason.
Forrest: can Dude Perfect come in here and do this?
Trent: no that's typosquatting. that's how adult swim survives with no business model.
* Forrest: THE SPIKE!
Trent: you knew PEDs would be involved, we told you upfront.
Forrest: you tortured me in there!
Trent: sure, yes, but at least you had sex of a sort.
* Pierogi Jones: mozzarella is Italian for lice.
* Forrest: what do you serve here?
Pierogi Jones: Italian lice.
Forrest: i love Italian ice.
* black guy: what proof do you have that you're really alive?
Forrest: i would never choose to do this.
* Forrest: so emotions are just glitches in the system? then i better yell more and not be so mild-mannered so they hear me.
* the Hamiltonization of all art
* woman: your breath is very real.
Forrest: that's a compliment in this virtual world.
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "The Demotion"
learned:
* money problems. pray for us.
* Will Forte can't play calm, even if he tries to.
* suggestive clouds
* Will: i'm a mass murderer.
Dan: don't worry, those weren't real planes. CG. but the lives you took were real.
Will: why do you keep me around, boss?
Dan: only because i am able to resurrect those lives.
* Dan: you need a sleep therapist.
Will: WHAT THE FUCK
Dan: that's a strange overreaction.
Will: that's all i know how to act.
Dan: get some Zs.
Will: i hate pizza.
* Will: *on the toilet* *doorbell rings* shit. i'm shitting.
* Will: i'm coming.
Jason: you will be.
* Jason: hi i'm Jason. i'm a Swede and thus disarming. you will do whatever i say.
Will: your soothing voice is what hypnotizes. clever.
* Will: don't shake my hand, i got shit on it.
Jason: we all do, my friend. doo on our hands. we are human. Ikea means poo in Swedish.
* Will: is it gonna make that black noise all night?
Jason: hoboy. you've got a lot of problems, my brother.
* Dana: are you okay? are you getting enough sleep?
Will: what are you, my mother!? just get me that glass sugar dispenser for me to drink, bitch!
Dana: no, we're done with the MDE apologists. just stick to the regular script.
Will: oh. sorry. can i say cropduster or is that a dog-whistle for vagina?
Dana: just to make super sure better not say cropduster.
* Jason: let me ask you, Willy, do you have any sexual frustrations?
Will: i'm on adult swim what do you think? masturbation is annoying for me.
Jason: any illegal office romances?
Will: Dana. she's cute. but she's out of my league.
Jason: don't sell yourself short, my friend.
Will: but she's Jack Bauer's daughter.
* Jason: if you were choking on food, would you refuse the Heimlich?
Will: but in this case you're offering to do the choking.
* Will: Tim, timeout, Tim. this is Will. not Will from the script, the real Will Forte the living, breathing actor. hi. remember we rehearsed this? we said you wouldn't actually make me cum...
* Will: where'd you get the mask?
Jason: mask?
* Will: 5-Hour Energy is our sponsor?
Dana: i thought it was It. these episodes should have aired in the Halloween month.
* Dana: maybe you should find another expensive therapist?
Will: like who? Eric?
Dana: i hear he's insane. but he's free.
* Will: what are you? right-wing nutjob? furry?
Eric: nuzzle that trash, boy.
Will: you hate doing your chores?
* Dana: i got a thing for the pirate look. most girls don't but i do.
* Will: so no more big boys with my one eye?
Dan: find another way to ask me that.
* Dana: would you mind slipping into this pegleg before we make love?
Will: i already have a silver tooth, what more do you want, woman?
* money problems. pray for us.
* Will Forte can't play calm, even if he tries to.
* suggestive clouds
* Will: i'm a mass murderer.
Dan: don't worry, those weren't real planes. CG. but the lives you took were real.
Will: why do you keep me around, boss?
Dan: only because i am able to resurrect those lives.
* Dan: you need a sleep therapist.
Will: WHAT THE FUCK
Dan: that's a strange overreaction.
Will: that's all i know how to act.
Dan: get some Zs.
Will: i hate pizza.
* Will: *on the toilet* *doorbell rings* shit. i'm shitting.
* Will: i'm coming.
Jason: you will be.
* Jason: hi i'm Jason. i'm a Swede and thus disarming. you will do whatever i say.
Will: your soothing voice is what hypnotizes. clever.
* Will: don't shake my hand, i got shit on it.
Jason: we all do, my friend. doo on our hands. we are human. Ikea means poo in Swedish.
* Will: is it gonna make that black noise all night?
Jason: hoboy. you've got a lot of problems, my brother.
* Dana: are you okay? are you getting enough sleep?
Will: what are you, my mother!? just get me that glass sugar dispenser for me to drink, bitch!
Dana: no, we're done with the MDE apologists. just stick to the regular script.
Will: oh. sorry. can i say cropduster or is that a dog-whistle for vagina?
Dana: just to make super sure better not say cropduster.
* Jason: let me ask you, Willy, do you have any sexual frustrations?
Will: i'm on adult swim what do you think? masturbation is annoying for me.
Jason: any illegal office romances?
Will: Dana. she's cute. but she's out of my league.
Jason: don't sell yourself short, my friend.
Will: but she's Jack Bauer's daughter.
* Jason: if you were choking on food, would you refuse the Heimlich?
Will: but in this case you're offering to do the choking.
* Will: Tim, timeout, Tim. this is Will. not Will from the script, the real Will Forte the living, breathing actor. hi. remember we rehearsed this? we said you wouldn't actually make me cum...
* Will: where'd you get the mask?
Jason: mask?
* Will: 5-Hour Energy is our sponsor?
Dana: i thought it was It. these episodes should have aired in the Halloween month.
* Dana: maybe you should find another expensive therapist?
Will: like who? Eric?
Dana: i hear he's insane. but he's free.
* Will: what are you? right-wing nutjob? furry?
Eric: nuzzle that trash, boy.
Will: you hate doing your chores?
* Dana: i got a thing for the pirate look. most girls don't but i do.
* Will: so no more big boys with my one eye?
Dan: find another way to ask me that.
* Dana: would you mind slipping into this pegleg before we make love?
Will: i already have a silver tooth, what more do you want, woman?
Saturday, September 23, 2017
Power Rangers Ninja Steel "The Royal Rumble"
learned:
* Monty: um, Green Ranger, sorry i mean Princess Viera, what's your name?
Ruby Love: Ruby Love.
Monty: Ruby Love? so the porn rumors are correct.
* previously on Power Rangers.....make sure those suits get steam-cleaned, we don't know where they've been......
* Drillion: can i hit a woman on a kid's show?
Madame Odius: i'm not a woman, i'm a babe. you're thinking of that other show filmed here.
* Madame Odius: i'll help you destroy the Rangers quicker!
Drillion: how do i know i can trust you?
Madame Odius: think of me not as a woman but as your dealer.
* Monty: is this episode the performance-enhancing-drugs lesson?
Victor: no this is just some silly gem which makes stones weightless. think about our jobs, Monty.
Monty: what do you mean?
Victor: we do this. we wake up each morning and we perform these stupid characters. this is what we do.
* Mick: i'm a serious Shakespearean actor. i do not belong on this set for multiple reasons.
* Viera: sex slaves?
Mick: no, but slaves are slaves.
Viera: when did this show get dark?
Chip Lynn: i couldn't take it anymore.
* Victor: can i use the anti-grav crystal to lift up Sarah's skirt?
Monty: women don't wear skirts anymore. Sarah wears skateboard pants.
Victor: drat! that's the price of progress for ya.
* Mick: hey who's been sniffing up all my secret stash?
* Redbot: do you still think of me?
Hayley: no.
Redbot: i'm the real Calvin. your Calvin is a robot.
* Victor: my Monty, my Monty, my kingdom for a Monty!
Monty: married couples do the wheelbarrow race. jus sayin'
* Victor: did you get a flyer?
Sarah: no.
Victor: you're lucky this is a kid's show. all i want to do is impress you, Sarah. what can i do?
Sarah: beat me in a hoverboard race.
Victor: that's a future episode, gotta be.
* Mick: and this is how you make my mama's famous old-fashioned red sauce. my mom drowned in lava on the Lion Galaxy, that's what i was told as a kid, so that's what the red sauce commemorates.
* Dude Perfect is on Nickelodeon. Dude Perfect was the last family-friendly thing on youtube...
* Ruby Love: when that star came out and branded me i got bad flashbacks...
* Princess Viera: so i'm a ninja now?
Mick: previous season, we did that already. can you teach me how to cum?
* Rangers: *singing* I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain never break the chain...
* Rangers: that was an extra-explodey explosion. should we get Michael Bay to direct the next movie?
Drillion: sure. the franchise is already a flop.
* Viera: you've got a strong arm.
Mick: pitched minor-leagues for the Yankees.
Viera: a lot of Australian athletes play professional and college American sports for some reason.
Mick: New Zealand.
Viera: same thing.
Mick: it's the only way to leave the island. i was the only Australian actor in history to ever flunk my Neighbours audition.
* Sarah: i'm worried about you, Brody, you have too much power!
Brody: i feel the Voltron electricity flowing within me! I AM THE REINCARNATION OF SVEN!!!
Sarah: not cool, dude. don't play with people's emotions like that. when do we get together?
Brody: Chip said it's gonna be a Super ship.
* Viera: Mick i have a surprise for you. a video link to your folks.
Mick: you had this the whole time and you were holding out on me, bitch? i should pimpslap your ass...
Sarah and Hayley hold Mick back.
Mick: sorry, some of my Shakepeare leaked out.
* Mick: these are my real parents.
mom and dad: of course we are. how do you think you got the part?
Mick: there are flying cars where you are? we don't have flying cars.
* mom and dad: are you coming home?
Mick: of course i'm coming home! fuck the Power Rangers!
* mom: oh Micklepoo...
Mick: way to ruin it as always, ma! wait, is that a space shuttle i see zooming past in the background? we don't have space exploration anymore, NASA went bankrupt to build a wall.
* Mick: can i give you a hug?
Ruby Love: no touching of the talent.
Mick: this L sign is Lion Galaxy, not loser.
* Mick: will Victor break the weightlifting record? we shall all soon clap and see!
Principal: get back to work, janitor, this isn't for you.
* Victor coughs on the white powder he claps.
* student: hi, i'm the black girl on the show.
* Monty: um, Green Ranger, sorry i mean Princess Viera, what's your name?
Ruby Love: Ruby Love.
Monty: Ruby Love? so the porn rumors are correct.
* previously on Power Rangers.....make sure those suits get steam-cleaned, we don't know where they've been......
* Drillion: can i hit a woman on a kid's show?
Madame Odius: i'm not a woman, i'm a babe. you're thinking of that other show filmed here.
* Madame Odius: i'll help you destroy the Rangers quicker!
Drillion: how do i know i can trust you?
Madame Odius: think of me not as a woman but as your dealer.
* Monty: is this episode the performance-enhancing-drugs lesson?
Victor: no this is just some silly gem which makes stones weightless. think about our jobs, Monty.
Monty: what do you mean?
Victor: we do this. we wake up each morning and we perform these stupid characters. this is what we do.
* Mick: i'm a serious Shakespearean actor. i do not belong on this set for multiple reasons.
* Viera: sex slaves?
Mick: no, but slaves are slaves.
Viera: when did this show get dark?
Chip Lynn: i couldn't take it anymore.
* Victor: can i use the anti-grav crystal to lift up Sarah's skirt?
Monty: women don't wear skirts anymore. Sarah wears skateboard pants.
Victor: drat! that's the price of progress for ya.
* Mick: hey who's been sniffing up all my secret stash?
* Redbot: do you still think of me?
Hayley: no.
Redbot: i'm the real Calvin. your Calvin is a robot.
* Victor: my Monty, my Monty, my kingdom for a Monty!
Monty: married couples do the wheelbarrow race. jus sayin'
* Victor: did you get a flyer?
Sarah: no.
Victor: you're lucky this is a kid's show. all i want to do is impress you, Sarah. what can i do?
Sarah: beat me in a hoverboard race.
Victor: that's a future episode, gotta be.
* Mick: and this is how you make my mama's famous old-fashioned red sauce. my mom drowned in lava on the Lion Galaxy, that's what i was told as a kid, so that's what the red sauce commemorates.
* Dude Perfect is on Nickelodeon. Dude Perfect was the last family-friendly thing on youtube...
* Ruby Love: when that star came out and branded me i got bad flashbacks...
* Princess Viera: so i'm a ninja now?
Mick: previous season, we did that already. can you teach me how to cum?
* Rangers: *singing* I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain never break the chain...
* Rangers: that was an extra-explodey explosion. should we get Michael Bay to direct the next movie?
Drillion: sure. the franchise is already a flop.
* Viera: you've got a strong arm.
Mick: pitched minor-leagues for the Yankees.
Viera: a lot of Australian athletes play professional and college American sports for some reason.
Mick: New Zealand.
Viera: same thing.
Mick: it's the only way to leave the island. i was the only Australian actor in history to ever flunk my Neighbours audition.
* Sarah: i'm worried about you, Brody, you have too much power!
Brody: i feel the Voltron electricity flowing within me! I AM THE REINCARNATION OF SVEN!!!
Sarah: not cool, dude. don't play with people's emotions like that. when do we get together?
Brody: Chip said it's gonna be a Super ship.
* Viera: Mick i have a surprise for you. a video link to your folks.
Mick: you had this the whole time and you were holding out on me, bitch? i should pimpslap your ass...
Sarah and Hayley hold Mick back.
Mick: sorry, some of my Shakepeare leaked out.
* Mick: these are my real parents.
mom and dad: of course we are. how do you think you got the part?
Mick: there are flying cars where you are? we don't have flying cars.
* mom and dad: are you coming home?
Mick: of course i'm coming home! fuck the Power Rangers!
* mom: oh Micklepoo...
Mick: way to ruin it as always, ma! wait, is that a space shuttle i see zooming past in the background? we don't have space exploration anymore, NASA went bankrupt to build a wall.
* Mick: can i give you a hug?
Ruby Love: no touching of the talent.
Mick: this L sign is Lion Galaxy, not loser.
* Mick: will Victor break the weightlifting record? we shall all soon clap and see!
Principal: get back to work, janitor, this isn't for you.
* Victor coughs on the white powder he claps.
* student: hi, i'm the black girl on the show.
Justice League Action "The Ringer"
learned:
* Sinestro: prudence has never been your strong suit.
Green Lantern: who likes prunes?
* Wonder Woman: Justice One here. why didn't we take my invisible jet?
Superman: it looks weird driving around in that thing.
* Sinestro: what you got, Jordan bum?
Green Lantern: abs so good you could wash your clothes on them.
Wonder Woman: that's true. they are. i've washed my star panties on them.
* Wonder Woman: Voltron Force! because i'm a woman i have to cross my arms like this or i won't be taken seriously.
* Wonder Woman: is this the gas pedal? nice mace, Sinestro, do you keep yours in your purse, too?
* Atom: here's your drugs, GL...
Green Lantern: ...
Atom: why doesn't Sinestro need a lamp?
Green Lantern: he freebases.
* Atom: just let me get inside him.
Green Lantern: that sounds not quite right.
* Atom: my safe place. *attaches pin*
* Wonder Woman points at Atom's tighty whities and laughs.
Atom: i'm not small like that! i just took a meteor shower!
* Atom: damn you, Sinestro, taking advantage of my love for Paranoia Agent like that.
* Atom: this memory hurts more. my own dog didn't recognize me.
* Sinestro: you had a treehouse? if i had a treehouse as a kid i wouldn't have turned evil.
* Atom: Old Man Frank Miller...
Puddles the dog: Frank Miller is old...
Atom: you can talk, Puddles?
Puddles: i can sing, too. *sings "Rocket Man"*
Atom: that's a silo.
* Atom: here, boy, catch!
Sinestro: never played catch as a kid...
* Green Lantern: what's going on, bud?
Atom: i've never gone this small. sub sub sub-atomic. it looks like those drugs you're so fond of.
Green Lantern: relax, man, it's just a trip. you need to calm yourself. you know yoga?
Atom: only the smell of yoga pants.
* GL: that's Despotellis! that's sick!
Atom: you just made that up right now. or you looked it up.
GL: you're sick!
Atom: i know, i have this despot virus in me.
* Atom: he's squishing me like a bug!
GL: why didn't you Gigantify?
* Sinestro: i will now use my secret weapon:...............EASTERN RELIGION!
* Atom: you need to lay down for a bit?
Despotellis: it's lie.
Atom: liar!
* Atom: feels like i got hit by a train. i need a Trane to lay down.
Wonder Woman: i know some girls.
Atom: Trane mattress. i'm married. i think.
* Atom: it was nightmarish in there. my worst fear came true. there was this excellent Green Lantern cartoon i used to watch every Saturday morn that was cancelled by Cartoon Network.
GL: why do you think i burn?
* Atom: mind shooting me some oxygen in space?
GL: i only breathe pot smoke. we're in space?
* GL: looks like a shroom.
Wonder Woman: looks like the crabs i got last week.
Superman looks away.
* Sinestro: prudence has never been your strong suit.
Green Lantern: who likes prunes?
* Wonder Woman: Justice One here. why didn't we take my invisible jet?
Superman: it looks weird driving around in that thing.
* Sinestro: what you got, Jordan bum?
Green Lantern: abs so good you could wash your clothes on them.
Wonder Woman: that's true. they are. i've washed my star panties on them.
* Wonder Woman: Voltron Force! because i'm a woman i have to cross my arms like this or i won't be taken seriously.
* Wonder Woman: is this the gas pedal? nice mace, Sinestro, do you keep yours in your purse, too?
* Atom: here's your drugs, GL...
Green Lantern: ...
Atom: why doesn't Sinestro need a lamp?
Green Lantern: he freebases.
* Atom: just let me get inside him.
Green Lantern: that sounds not quite right.
* Atom: my safe place. *attaches pin*
* Wonder Woman points at Atom's tighty whities and laughs.
Atom: i'm not small like that! i just took a meteor shower!
* Atom: damn you, Sinestro, taking advantage of my love for Paranoia Agent like that.
* Atom: this memory hurts more. my own dog didn't recognize me.
* Sinestro: you had a treehouse? if i had a treehouse as a kid i wouldn't have turned evil.
* Atom: Old Man Frank Miller...
Puddles the dog: Frank Miller is old...
Atom: you can talk, Puddles?
Puddles: i can sing, too. *sings "Rocket Man"*
Atom: that's a silo.
* Atom: here, boy, catch!
Sinestro: never played catch as a kid...
* Green Lantern: what's going on, bud?
Atom: i've never gone this small. sub sub sub-atomic. it looks like those drugs you're so fond of.
Green Lantern: relax, man, it's just a trip. you need to calm yourself. you know yoga?
Atom: only the smell of yoga pants.
* GL: that's Despotellis! that's sick!
Atom: you just made that up right now. or you looked it up.
GL: you're sick!
Atom: i know, i have this despot virus in me.
* Atom: he's squishing me like a bug!
GL: why didn't you Gigantify?
* Sinestro: i will now use my secret weapon:...............EASTERN RELIGION!
* Atom: you need to lay down for a bit?
Despotellis: it's lie.
Atom: liar!
* Atom: feels like i got hit by a train. i need a Trane to lay down.
Wonder Woman: i know some girls.
Atom: Trane mattress. i'm married. i think.
* Atom: it was nightmarish in there. my worst fear came true. there was this excellent Green Lantern cartoon i used to watch every Saturday morn that was cancelled by Cartoon Network.
GL: why do you think i burn?
* Atom: mind shooting me some oxygen in space?
GL: i only breathe pot smoke. we're in space?
* GL: looks like a shroom.
Wonder Woman: looks like the crabs i got last week.
Superman looks away.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Angel Man"
learned:
* can you believe it's been 3 years?
* he's not gonna jump, that would be too easy.
* when i said i was going to a place with four walls and men in white robes, i didn't mean the monastery.
* screams of joy
* Dr. Quan: there is no hope for you.
Dimmler: Dr. Con? you just want to keep me walled-up in here. my misery pays your bills.
Dr. Quan: hey i didn't vote for Trumpcare.
* but that would be DIME-ler
* Dr. Quan: this is the choice all men must make: would you rather keep your troubled emotions or become an emotionless, humanless blank-eyed shell?
Eric: i just want to keep my odd sense of humor.
* the thing is, these kinds of lifetime state-run institutions which perform lobotomies don't actually exist anymore.
* Isaiah: you ain't a bad person, Mr. Dimmler, you just got a one-track mind. like me for Nurse Ratched.
Dimmler: i'm just a man. this is The Handmanservant's Tale.
Isaiah: don't ask me, i'm just the butler. you ain't a bad person, just got bad brains. and i'm not saying that cos they're the only black metal band.
* Dimmler: is this running water supposed to calm me or make me go pee?
* Dimmler: whatcha got in the brown bag, black man?
Isaiah: it ain't a 40 or McDonald's. go see your boy for the last time. all this Scotty business is bullshit.
Dimmler: scotch-tape my brains together after they scoop them, woulda Isaiah?
Isaiah: i don't frequent these type of clubs. my cousin got me this mini-flyer.
* Isaiah: in this bag is a change of clothes, a hunting knife, and a getaway car. you stick Tough Tommy the night guard's fat tummy like this, pfft!
Dimmler: Tough Tommy is Nurse Ratched's husband isn't he?
Isaiah: YEAH, SO!!! no, he's my night-guard for my teeth when i sleep.
* Jack: a little intro lights and...
Scotty: fine, Mr. Nicholson. but i got new songs...
Jack: nobody goes to the Smashing Squashes to hear "Being Beige".
* Jack: it was supposed to be Dog's Cabaret. the painter was nervous. everyone has frayed nerves these days. wanna diaper?
Dimmler: and i'm supposed to be the crazy one.
Jack: spray bottle?
Dimmler: what kind of show is this?
Jack: a dog-and-pony one.
* Scotty: remember, the music doesn't matter. just my affect.
patron: sing the low notes!
Dimmler: sing the high notes!
Jack: sing at all!
* Scotty: my low notes cause you to loosen your bowels to such an extent that you will never go poo again. fiber is a government scam!
* Dimmler: gotta keep my boy dry. only spray him if that's hair spray.
* hippie patron: make me brown, baby!
Dimmler: damn hippies.
* Dimmler: that's a coincidence that you happen to be here. are you a patron here?
Isaiah: you have a destiny, Mr. Dimmler.
Dimmler: are you that black guy from Lost? just give me the lobot.
Isaiah: that ridiculous Star Wars villain with the metal Leia buns?
* Scotty: thank you for choosing the Champagne Room love is a government lie how may i help you?
Dimmler: it's the Red Room.
Scotty: i thought they put you away.
Dimmler: they can't take away my dreams!........................y'know i just realized this would make for a dynamite modern noir. us meeting at a smoky red-lit strip club and i don't want you seeing other men so i scoop you away from here and try to buy your permanent love.
Scotty: yeah.
* Scotty: my new experimental stuff?
Dimmler: i go to Radiohead concerts hoping to hear "A Wolf at the Door".
* Dimmler: i'll hit you three times with my high beams.
Scotty: where are your tits? you have no tits.
* Dimmler: some are obsessed with illegal hockey gambling rings, some join Al Qaeda, no biggie.
Scotty: Al Qaeda?
Dimmler: i'm a late bloomer.
Scotty: wanna go back to my place?
Dimmler: i can't enter any room or i start to feel locked-up again.
* Dimmler: girlfriend? that's the most disturbing part.
Scotty: like my new sound, Mr. Dimmler?
Dimmler: this is fruitless. even i wouldn't go to a Radiohead concert hoping to hear "Burn the Witch".
* Dimmler: *driving* your new music sucks, Scotty!..........sorry, i know this is serious, but i cracked myself up there.
* Scotty: do it.
Isaiah: do it.
Dimmler: but if i jump there won't be an "Angel Grandpa".
Isaiah: yeah don't do it. Tim's a millionaire but personally i need there to be a third.
* the banality of suicide...
* can you believe it's been 3 years?
* he's not gonna jump, that would be too easy.
* when i said i was going to a place with four walls and men in white robes, i didn't mean the monastery.
* screams of joy
* Dr. Quan: there is no hope for you.
Dimmler: Dr. Con? you just want to keep me walled-up in here. my misery pays your bills.
Dr. Quan: hey i didn't vote for Trumpcare.
* but that would be DIME-ler
* Dr. Quan: this is the choice all men must make: would you rather keep your troubled emotions or become an emotionless, humanless blank-eyed shell?
Eric: i just want to keep my odd sense of humor.
* the thing is, these kinds of lifetime state-run institutions which perform lobotomies don't actually exist anymore.
* Isaiah: you ain't a bad person, Mr. Dimmler, you just got a one-track mind. like me for Nurse Ratched.
Dimmler: i'm just a man. this is The Handmanservant's Tale.
Isaiah: don't ask me, i'm just the butler. you ain't a bad person, just got bad brains. and i'm not saying that cos they're the only black metal band.
* Dimmler: is this running water supposed to calm me or make me go pee?
* Dimmler: whatcha got in the brown bag, black man?
Isaiah: it ain't a 40 or McDonald's. go see your boy for the last time. all this Scotty business is bullshit.
Dimmler: scotch-tape my brains together after they scoop them, woulda Isaiah?
Isaiah: i don't frequent these type of clubs. my cousin got me this mini-flyer.
* Isaiah: in this bag is a change of clothes, a hunting knife, and a getaway car. you stick Tough Tommy the night guard's fat tummy like this, pfft!
Dimmler: Tough Tommy is Nurse Ratched's husband isn't he?
Isaiah: YEAH, SO!!! no, he's my night-guard for my teeth when i sleep.
* Jack: a little intro lights and...
Scotty: fine, Mr. Nicholson. but i got new songs...
Jack: nobody goes to the Smashing Squashes to hear "Being Beige".
* Jack: it was supposed to be Dog's Cabaret. the painter was nervous. everyone has frayed nerves these days. wanna diaper?
Dimmler: and i'm supposed to be the crazy one.
Jack: spray bottle?
Dimmler: what kind of show is this?
Jack: a dog-and-pony one.
* Scotty: remember, the music doesn't matter. just my affect.
patron: sing the low notes!
Dimmler: sing the high notes!
Jack: sing at all!
* Scotty: my low notes cause you to loosen your bowels to such an extent that you will never go poo again. fiber is a government scam!
* Dimmler: gotta keep my boy dry. only spray him if that's hair spray.
* hippie patron: make me brown, baby!
Dimmler: damn hippies.
* Dimmler: that's a coincidence that you happen to be here. are you a patron here?
Isaiah: you have a destiny, Mr. Dimmler.
Dimmler: are you that black guy from Lost? just give me the lobot.
Isaiah: that ridiculous Star Wars villain with the metal Leia buns?
* Scotty: thank you for choosing the Champagne Room love is a government lie how may i help you?
Dimmler: it's the Red Room.
Scotty: i thought they put you away.
Dimmler: they can't take away my dreams!........................y'know i just realized this would make for a dynamite modern noir. us meeting at a smoky red-lit strip club and i don't want you seeing other men so i scoop you away from here and try to buy your permanent love.
Scotty: yeah.
* Scotty: my new experimental stuff?
Dimmler: i go to Radiohead concerts hoping to hear "A Wolf at the Door".
* Dimmler: i'll hit you three times with my high beams.
Scotty: where are your tits? you have no tits.
* Dimmler: some are obsessed with illegal hockey gambling rings, some join Al Qaeda, no biggie.
Scotty: Al Qaeda?
Dimmler: i'm a late bloomer.
Scotty: wanna go back to my place?
Dimmler: i can't enter any room or i start to feel locked-up again.
* Dimmler: girlfriend? that's the most disturbing part.
Scotty: like my new sound, Mr. Dimmler?
Dimmler: this is fruitless. even i wouldn't go to a Radiohead concert hoping to hear "Burn the Witch".
* Dimmler: *driving* your new music sucks, Scotty!..........sorry, i know this is serious, but i cracked myself up there.
* Scotty: do it.
Isaiah: do it.
Dimmler: but if i jump there won't be an "Angel Grandpa".
Isaiah: yeah don't do it. Tim's a millionaire but personally i need there to be a third.
* the banality of suicide...
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