Doctor Who "Twice Upon a Time"

learned:

* Steven, i love you, but Twice Upon a Time is about the most hackneyed title of all time, times two. literally ANYTHING would have been better. my humble contribution:

Time is Now

* okay so first impressions, this fell flat. not like the Doctor falling. it was all bland. the big bad was a big good so what are you supposed to do with that. literally no stakes. while the Christmas Truce is always a tearjerker---"Silent Night" will never be the same---i think cos i knew about this history prior it didn't hit me as hard as it would have if this had been my first Christmas Truce. literally those spoilers River Song keeps warning us about. there really was no point in the First Doctor being there. it would have been cooler (sorry) if William Hartnell had shown up. now you know when the show wants you to cry, that was the final scenes with the companions. and Clara (sorry). just didn't land. i generally like that girl named Bill, and i grew to enjoy Nardole immensely, but i dunno. but it's the type of scene that gets more sentimental as it fades from your memory and you reflect on it more i suppose. to all the paid plaudits arguing how emotional the whole thing was, how much does tears in a bottle cost? online eyes require no prescription glasses. the Regeneration was lame in the sense that it wasn't grand enough for Capaldi's exit. though i did bawl like a baby when he says, "Doctor, I let you go." that one line from the new Doctor is a bit of a cockblock innit.

* all that being said, i was kind. i rewound.

* i am literally being transported back in time!..................oh

* i would like to watch the old B&W Doctor Whos but the '70s ones are too groovy.

* William Hartnell: Regeneration? poppycock. just admit i was a hellion on set and you refused to renew my contract.

* how does Mark Gatiss weasel his way into every one of these things?

* Doctor: you died a Cyberman.
Bill: if i have all of Bill's memories, i am essentially Bill.
Doctor: like i said, you're a computer.

* Doctor Who: who are you?
glass model: very funny.
Bill: Beyoncé? is that you?
glass model: yes but i don't want my fans knowing i'm fragile.

* Gatiss: if only i spoke German.............i would be ruling the world now...

* Gatiss: excuse me, did you say World War I, not the Great War?
Capaldi: yes. sorry. my wife keeps nagging me about this. i keep forgetting you haven't heard of World War 3 yet.

* First Doctor: okay, here comes the required scene where we compare TARDISes. i like my original version better cos it's white.
Capaldi: you really need to stop saying things like that.

* First Doctor: what happened to Polly?
Capaldi: the parrot?

* First Doctor: i thought I was the center of the universe.
Capaldi: same response.

* Capaldi: hi, Rusty.
Rusty: no i really am rusty. i haven't been oiled in centuries. you are the good Dalek.
Capaldi: not according to my kids. i missed a lot of time with them filming this bloody show.

* Rusty: oh shit i remember New Earth! with those freaky cat-nurses, fuck they gave me nightmares.

* Capaldi: is this your Testimony?
Moffat: yes. i admit i sent out that tweet. i just couldn't take it anymore.

* First Doctor: so there's no enemy to fight?
Capaldi: well there's always old age.

* Gatiss: look after my family for me. my name is...
Capaldi: don't tell me. it's too long. you have four names?

* the enemy soldiers start singing "Silent Night" in unison but screw up the lyrics when they get to the lesser-known second verse and that causes them to fire at each other again...

* Capaldi: Clara. i remember now. a raven ate you or something.
Clara: please stop smiling, you have weird teeth.

* Capaldi: what will you do now, Nardole?
Nardole: go back to my old job being a hardboiled egg.

* the music swells. this is the weepie part.

* Bill and Nardole: tell us about your life.
Capaldi: fuck you.
Bill and Nardole: that's the doctor we know and love.

* Capaldi: i promised myself i wouldn't cry. and i didn't.

* Capaldi: i want that electric guitar. that was Bono's until his strange decision to take up the megaphone.

* i thought she said, "blimey".

* Jodie: why'd you have the make the first woman the 13th?

* Jodie: i can't wear a ring. i'm divorced from Meghan Markle.

* alt-cave man: hahahaha. see? the TARDIS spit her out!
Chibnall: give me a break, this was the first scene i've ever written.

* will the facebook comments ever go back to talking about the actual episodes instead of the eternal shitposting of weird neanderthal fantasies, that is the real question.

* i am so pumped for Sarah Jane Adventures II!

* as much as i want to see hot lesbian sex, or a powerful woman having her way with a subservient male, or general alien porn throughout the galaxy, i have a feeling this show will get even more kid-friendly. as in the Companions will be like her kids.