Doctor Who "Twice Upon a Time"

learned:

* Steven, i love you, but Twice Upon a Time is about the most hackneyed title of all time, times two. literally ANYTHING would have been better. my humble contribution:

Time is Now

* okay so first impressions, this fell flat. not like the Doctor falling. it was all bland. the big bad was a big good so what are you supposed to do with that. literally no stakes. while the Christmas Truce is always a tearjerker---"Silent Night" will never be the same---i think cos i knew about this history prior it didn't hit me as hard as it would have if this had been my first Christmas Truce. literally those spoilers River Song keeps warning us about. there really was no point in the First Doctor being there. it would have been cooler (sorry) if William Hartnell had shown up. now you know when the show wants you to cry, that was the final scenes with the companions. and Clara (sorry). just didn't land. i generally like that girl named Bill, and i grew to enjoy Nardole immensely, but i dunno. but it's the type of scene that gets more sentimental as it fades from your memory and you reflect on it more i suppose. to all the paid plaudits arguing how emotional the whole thing was, how much does tears in a bottle cost? online eyes require no prescription glasses. the Regeneration was lame in the sense that it wasn't grand enough for Capaldi's exit. though i did bawl like a baby when he says, "Doctor, I let you go." that one line from the new Doctor is a bit of a cockblock innit.

* all that being said, i was kind. i rewound.

* i am literally being transported back in time!..................oh

* i would like to watch the old B&W Doctor Whos but the '70s ones are too groovy.

* William Hartnell: Regeneration? poppycock. just admit i was a hellion on set and you refused to renew my contract.

* how does Mark Gatiss weasel his way into every one of these things?

* Doctor: you died a Cyberman.
Bill: if i have all of Bill's memories, i am essentially Bill.
Doctor: like i said, you're a computer.

* Doctor Who: who are you?
glass model: very funny.
Bill: Beyoncé? is that you?
glass model: yes but i don't want my fans knowing i'm fragile.

* Gatiss: if only i spoke German.............i would be ruling the world now...

* Gatiss: excuse me, did you say World War I, not the Great War?
Capaldi: yes. sorry. my wife keeps nagging me about this. i keep forgetting you haven't heard of World War 3 yet.

* First Doctor: okay, here comes the required scene where we compare TARDISes. i like my original version better cos it's white.
Capaldi: you really need to stop saying things like that.

* First Doctor: what happened to Polly?
Capaldi: the parrot?

* First Doctor: i thought I was the center of the universe.
Capaldi: same response.

* Capaldi: hi, Rusty.
Rusty: no i really am rusty. i haven't been oiled in centuries. you are the good Dalek.
Capaldi: not according to my kids. i missed a lot of time with them filming this bloody show.

* Rusty: oh shit i remember New Earth! with those freaky cat-nurses, fuck they gave me nightmares.

* Capaldi: is this your Testimony?
Moffat: yes. i admit i sent out that tweet. i just couldn't take it anymore.

* First Doctor: so there's no enemy to fight?
Capaldi: well there's always old age.

* Gatiss: look after my family for me. my name is...
Capaldi: don't tell me. it's too long. you have four names?

* the enemy soldiers start singing "Silent Night" in unison but screw up the lyrics when they get to the lesser-known second verse and that causes them to fire at each other again...

* Capaldi: Clara. i remember now. a raven ate you or something.
Clara: please stop smiling, you have weird teeth.

* Capaldi: what will you do now, Nardole?
Nardole: go back to my old job being a hardboiled egg.

* the music swells. this is the weepie part.

* Bill and Nardole: tell us about your life.
Capaldi: fuck you.
Bill and Nardole: that's the doctor we know and love.

* Capaldi: i promised myself i wouldn't cry. and i didn't.

* Capaldi: i want that electric guitar. that was Bono's until his strange decision to take up the megaphone.

* i thought she said, "blimey".

* Jodie: why'd you have the make the first woman the 13th?

* Jodie: i can't wear a ring. i'm divorced from Meghan Markle.

* alt-cave man: hahahaha. see? the TARDIS spit her out!
Chibnall: give me a break, this was the first scene i've ever written.

* will the facebook comments ever go back to talking about the actual episodes instead of the eternal shitposting of weird neanderthal fantasies, that is the real question.

* i am so pumped for Sarah Jane Adventures II!

* as much as i want to see hot lesbian sex, or a powerful woman having her way with a subservient male, or general alien porn throughout the galaxy, i have a feeling this show will get even more kid-friendly. as in the Companions will be like her kids.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Past, Presents, and Future"

learned:

* Chrysti Ane: so i'm basically the main character now. makes sense. i mean it just can't be Brody.

* i can't believe this, but i don't think i've ever seen past, presents, and future used as a Christmas title anywhere before. that is extraordinary if true. checking now...

* Sarah: what are you doing, Preston?
Preston: some reference to the Japanese show. weird fingergun salute dance. or i have a tic.

* Redbot: how did you know what i wanted for Christmas?
Sarah: i've been stalking your metal ass like a motherfucker.

* Chip Lynne: we really didn't get you anything, Chrysti Ane. you have to agree to the settlement first.

* Cleocatra: Cat O'Clock was my favorite cousin.
Hayley: be honest.
Cleocatra: okay we were lovers.
Hayley: thattagirl

* Cleocatra: let me remind you what you did to him...
Calvin: no, please don't. we don't want this being a clip show.

* Sarah: what are you doing here, Santa?
Santa: i'm not a dirty old man living in my car.

* Santa: Sarah, i am Santa Claus and i am ordering you to kill that monster.

* Sarah: i have to find moments where my friends were alone. that's the stalker way i mean that's the Ranger Way.

* Sarah: whoa. you really are me in the future. i really am as hot as people say. i do look like a porn star. hey, do you want to fuck? i've always wanted to try that.

* Sarah: Levi, it's hard to explain, but you're a Power Ranger.
Levi: my name is Aiden. wait why did i just tell you that?
manager: hey remember me? your manager in the black cowboy hat? why was i only on for a few episodes and dropped like hot garabage? is it cos i'm black?
Levi: no, it's just...you became a wholly irrelevant and useless character.
black manager: yeah but you could have written for me. the writers could have used me if they really wanted to.

* Preston: if you want to touch this tree you gotta put a ribbon on it.
lumberjack: or a ring.

* Chip: wait we had to rebuild that whole complicated ribbontree set just for a couple of seconds? that's coming out of your settlement, Sarah.

* Santa: um, Sarah, can i have a snack? i'm feeling peckish.
Sarah: this is no time to think about food, Santa! the fate of the universe is at stake.
Santa: okay then how about a little peck on the cheek? can i nibble your ear? one kiss.
Chip: i rewrote the script and added the above dialogue.
Santa: i said write a kiss for me or i'm not doing it. there are plenty other specials i'm in demand for this time of year.

* Sarah: i'm in the same boat as you.
Brody: when i act Chip tells me i'm on the Titanic.
Sarah: trust me. i'm not Madame Odius or anyone pretending to be Sarah. i didn't put a spell on myself to try and recapture my lost youth and beauty or anything...

* Gigantified Rangers, can't believe no one ever thought of that before

* Brody: what was that thing you did just then, Robo Red?
Robo Red: put my hand to the back of my head and leaned back. i get lonely sometimes when you don't call.

* merry Christmas, kitty litter! i'm gonna use that at my next office Christmas party.

* Brody: show's over, Ninjas win. even though the show and the ship exploded.

* Sarah: i can't believe you guys really didn't get me a gift.
Rangers and Chip: we just all figured your booty is our collective gift.
Sarah: it's a good thing there's a medieval stove and pot here in the garage. btw this will also serve as our Christmas dinner.
Preston: we don't remember you taking our Power Stars, wink wink.
Sarah: it's okay. the real reason for the season is my love for you guys. bring it in.
Preston: so you're in love with me? you just stated it, it's on the record.
Rangers: just kidding! of course we got you something, Sarah.
Sarah: *looks outside* oh...it's just the dirty old man who lives in his sled and likes to scan up and down my body with his eyes. i thought maybe my estranged father had come back to me.
Santa: hello, Sarah, i am your daddy.
Santa: ho ho ho
Sarah: why did you look at me when you said that?
Santa: i'm essentially kidnapping you you know this.
Sarah: the woman always holds the reigns...

Justice League Action "Party Animal"

learned:

* there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, better than new Christmas cartoons!

* Lois Lane was on assignment at the Teen Titans' 200th

* reporter: you look Japanese.
Keely Miller: just goth. we're getting younger and younger.

* git along, little grundy

* Jim Carrey was originally slated for Plastic Man. the eyes were the best they could do.

* Plastic Man: shoot an arrow at my tongue! get it loose!

* a covered-up Commissioner Gordon enjoying the holiday ice rink with his male lover

* Green Arrow: come on, Plas, my Christmas party. remember?
Plastic Man: right. and that is..........?
Green Arrow: 7:30.
Plastic Man: no, where do you live? i'll put your address on my blog for quick access for the others.

* when did pizza become prison food?

* Plastic Man: think about it...............buying a bag of ice.............is a completely useless thing to do.

* Green Arrow: it's pronounced cro-KET-a.
Wonder Woman: what's inside me?
Green Arrow: what? oh uh, gumbo, yeah gumbo.
Flash: wait you're supposed to bake the biscuit dough in pigs in a blanket? i always ate it raw.

* Constantine: hey is that guy who's like a living snowman at this party? not sure if he's a hero or villain.

* Green Arrow: shooters...
Constantine shoots Green Arrow.

* Red Tornado: you're standing under the mistletoe, Green Arrow...i'm here...

* Zatanna: hey what's in these mugs?
Wonder Woman: you're right. attention ladies, don't drink the drinks here.

* Green Arrow: shoulda went with the bat-signal crudité.

* Zatanna: every year, Batman grinches it up in his cave.
Flash: cos he's an atheist?
Wonder Woman: worse. Batman thinks he is God.

* Batman: where'd you get that pretty pink bow? doing some last-minute gift wrapping.

* Superman: jelly beans. socks. put the jelly beans in the sock for a nice makeshift cudgel...

* Plastic Man: Grundy is hopped up on tranquilizers...
Wonder Woman: see?

* Raven: and why wasn't i invited?
Green Arrow: it's 'Twas the Night, not the Poe poem.

* Plastic Man: Zatanna's figgy pudding? had it last year. made me pregnant.
Zatanna: oh, now i see why i was sidelined all last year.

* Plastic Man: look on the tv, Grundy. what Cartoon Network used to be!

* Superman: what's with this tiny toy bear?
Stargirl: i finally fucked Firestorm.
Wonder Woman: watch. you'll see. it's the red herring which brings the story together.

* Grundy: Grundy not mindless animal. Grundy remembers. thus Grundy has a mind.

* Green Arrow: Holy Hannah........Barbera

* Green Arrow: damn. i wish Batman was riding me like that.

* Batman: are you insane?!
Green Arrow: you're the one who taught me i could be a superhero without powers, now that is insane.

* Grundy: Grundy sorry for scaring you.............Grundy have to be careful not to copy Apple Frankenstein commercial too much.

* Zatanna: i'm cold.
Plastic Man: i'd offer you my coat but i got no coat. look how i'm dressed. want me to coil myself around you like a snake? i mean like Christmas wrapping paper?

* Green Arrow: what's so special about the S.T.A.R. Labs Christmas party?
animators: didn't have to animate it.