Doctor Who "The Husbands of River Song" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i laughed, i cried...........mostly i cried

* the Doctor: is there anything on my head?
Nardole: please tell me that's hair gel.
the Doctor: hehe, that Cleopatra...

* the Doctor: RIVER!
River Song: oh. where's David Tennant? is David Tennant busy? can David Tennant come back?

* King Hydroflax: oh dahlin, i love when we make love.
River: yes dahlin, you give good head.
Hydroflax: you, surgeon, fix me now!
the Doctor: okay but i'm a proctologist.
the crowds on the screens cheer.
the Doctor: oh come on, those aren't real people, this is the youtube era, man!

* River: an archaeologist is just a thief who's patient.
the Doctor: i'm a proctologist. i'm the opposite. when you gotta go, you gotta go.
River: this stolen diamond is but a pittance as recompense for all of the blood on your, um, head.
Hydroflax: but dahlin, that diamond was to be your engagement ring.
River: how come you never got me a fat shiny rock like this?
the Doctor: diamonds bring back bad bad memories for me.

* River: hold this head in a bag. it's just like the time we went bowling together.
the Doctor: we never went bowling together.
River: you never take me anywhere! hello, Ramone, give mama some sugar.
River and Ramone kiss.
the Doctor: excuse me, buddy, i'm her husband.
Ramone: i know.
River and Ramone kiss again.
the Doctor: so that thing where you mush faces together, that's a thing? oh look, honey, you dropped your wallet. hey all of the other Doctor pics are here, even the War Doctor, but not me?!
River: this was during the time before you were announced. Steven Moffat was considering playing Twelve.
the Doctor: i've had enough of all you thirsty people. i'm going back to meditating with Bors. at least i know Bors isn't thirsty. we have water over there.

* Scratch: do you have the item?
River: do you have the money? and stop whispering, it reminds me of a library.
Scratch cuts open his head.
Scratch: OH SHIT! i cut vertical when i should have cut horizontal! help me get my fucking face back together!
River: you don't have to shout. this is a restaurant, not a Taylor Swift concert.
Scratch: lady don't screw me.
River: but this is a screwball comedy.
Hydroflax enters.
Scratch: ALL HAIL BAYMAX

* the Doctor: i realize that joke about the poor economy was in bad taste but it was better than the one i considered about Trump being America's first dictator.

* the Doctor: kid, you should build a restaurant here.
Alphonse: no money.
the Doctor: take this diamond.
Alphonse: so we're married now?

* at the restaurant a few years later...
River: how do i look?
the Doctor: your breasts are quite handsome.
River: lucky for you i'm a Smashing Pumpkins fan. is that a gift for me? omg i'm fangirling over here. what is it?! it's...it's...your sonic sunglasses? you damn regifter!
the Doctor: PLEASE let me unload them on you, i've been trying to get rid of those things for the longest but no one in the entire universe wants them.

* the Doctor and River stare eternally at the stardrenched Singing Towers of Darillium. the Towers sing their trademark song with their beautiful female operatic voices.
River: let us spend the remaining time we have together together forever.
the Doctor: yes, dear. i love you, sweetie. no one knows exactly what the song means but it has something to do with perseverance.
the first song ends and the second song starts. the second song is "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift.
River: so, uh, see you around?
the Doctor: yep, bye bye.

Mike Tyson Mysteries "A Plaintive Wail" Episode Discussion

learned:

* okay, Show, i'm slow on the uptake, it's taken me two seasons, but i finally got it. the title, and wait for the end for the wordplay.

* Pigeon: why do people like posts about death?
Marquess: sometimes it's their only chance at revenge. it's a cruel world. hey did you know that the #1 thing people post on instagram is food? i'm jus' sayin'. don't make me mad. i have an instagram account.

* Pigeon: hey Yung, why don't you go skinny-dipping in the pool sometime? it is your own private pool.
Yung: i just did. you should have seen the first draft of that scene. our animators are pervs.

* Pigeon: we're going to drive to Boston?! why?!
Mike: to see if that Aqua Teen episode is FINALLY finished.

* Mike: hey folks, have you noticed i've gotten a lot to say in this episode? like a LOT to say. they're giving me the exposition dump and everything. i get the sneaking suspicion they're actually making fun of me.

* Mike: okay, i'll start: my name is Mike Tyson, my wife's name is Robin Givens, i.......i can't do this anymore, i'm starting to cry.
Yung: my name is Betty cos i'm hot, i don't have a husband cos i'm a strong independent woman that don't need no man, we live in Boston of course, and we sell baked beans.
Pigeon: i want to smell your farts.

* Marley Gibson: hello, my name is Marley Gibson, i'm a real-life ghost hunter...

* librarian: sir, you cannot access porn on the library computers.
Pigeon: hey it's not my fault you're too cheap to pay for BlockSite. at least when i'm in China i know where i stand.

* Mike: what exactly do you do?
Marquess: i'm the constant reminder that one day all of you will die. also, i'm related to Casper.
Pigeon: damn name-dropper.

* Marquess: light as a feather, stiff as a board...
Pigeon: nobody wants the gory details of your love life, just get on with the seance!

* a whale crashes into the restaurant.
Yung: what the fuck, whale?! why are you here?!
whale: twitter's busy.

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Jason B. Sucks" Episode Discussion

learned:

* title got me again in the end, Show.

* Pigeon: hey Marquess, do you like your cream extra thick?
Marquess: yes, especially with my pigeon under glass.

* Mike: the internet has made the nerds the jocks of this brave new crappy society. time for me to go to school and hit the books with one of my patented devastating uppercuts.

* Yung: apparently the guy did ask for our help. this slip of paper proves it. poor pigeon that carried it was too fat to fit through the door.
Mike: not our fault. the words on the paper are faded. this guy used invisible ink.

* the team go to the froyo shop and the dry cleaners.
Marquess: we would make excellent stalkers.

* Pigeon: can i play with your tits?
Marquess: you do realize Yung is Mike's daughter?
Pigeon: i ain't scared. it's easy to beat Mike Tyson. just gotta wait for his eyes to blink then pow!

* Marquess: have you noticed all the cartoons lately have been noting how easy it is to get guns?
Mike: it's not that big of a societal problem. sure people get shot but then they realize they were vampires all along and fly away.

* Jason B: my wife must have bitten me when we had rough sex.
Pigeon: mind if i sit in next time? i'll post a positive review, i swear!

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Old Man of the Mountain" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Yung: you're drinking vodka before noon?
Marquess: it's brunch somewhere in the world.
Yung: but not here.
Marquess: i'm a ghost. time has no meaning for me.

* the messenger pigeon nuzzles up to Pigeon.
Pigeon: sorry, babe, same-species sex is for the birds.

* Pigeon: why are all these slips of paper depressing sob stories?
Yung: tumblr's fault.

* Marquess: would you like to hear the origin story of the term shotgun?
Mike: if it doesn't involve Kurt Cobain i ain't interested.

* brother: my senile old man is obsessed with the Abominable Snowman. also, Hitler was abominable, whoops, sorry...

* brother: he should live with you!
sister: he should live with you!
Mike: i hate fighting.

* the gang get there and see the old man has frozen to death outside in the cold.
Mike: I LOVE POPSICLES!

* Mike: i heard burning to death is worse than freezing to death. or maybe it's the other way around. but do you know what's really painful? getting eaten by King Hippo.

* Pigeon stares at the grieving sister's vagina.
sister: hey! my breasts are up here!

* the gang see the swastikas in the father's secret room.
Mike: oh your pops was a Buddhist?

* the old man defrosts and goes after Marquess with an ax.
Marquess: why am i scared? why am i running? i'm already a ghost. i really need to stop drinking.
the Abominable Snowman eats the old racist man and holds up a sign that reads December 18th.

Doctor Who "Hell Bent" Episode Discussion

learned:

* no, no, Moffat, you must let your characters die and stay dead. death comes to us all, it's unavoidable. even for the Doctor. nobody actually has a time machine. Doctor Who was in fact cancelled before.

* the Doctor: i don't remember what she looked like but she looked just like you. except she had an ass.

* the Doctor: why do you have a British accent and work at an American diner?
Clara: got fired from my previous job as a British schoolteacher. teaching and waitressing, same thing: slinging hash.

* the President: wanna rassle.......on?

* the President: no women allowed here.
Ohila: no wonder this backward society went under.

* Gastron: hands up or i'll shoot.
the Doctor: we both know that never works.

* the soldiers fire at the Doctor, but miss.
the Doctor: i'm not a Time Lord, i'm a fucking ninja.

* the Doctor: get off my planet.
the President: where shall i go?
the Doctor: Earth. there'll be plenty of room. nobody wants to live on that planet anymore.

* before leaving on his ship, the President gets on the top step, turns around, and does the Nixon fingers.

* the Doctor shoots the General. the General regenerates into a black woman.
Clara: i thought you said you'd never kill!
the Doctor: i didn't kill him, i made him hotter.

* Dalek: exterminate me! take me off life support!
Weeping Angel: look at me! don't turn away! nobody looks at me anymore! i'm a person, too!
Cyberman: it's me, Danny!

* Ohila: why is the Doctor doing this? why did he do that whole insane billions-of-years-recurring-nightmare thing? what did he tell you?
Clara: the Doctor told me he did it............................because............................he really wanted to fuck me.

* Clara: love the new wheels. why is the TARDIS all white?
the Doctor: can't say without being racist.

* Ashildr: here we are, at the very end of the universe.
the Doctor: what happens after the end?
Ashildr: reruns.

* Ashildr: why are you always hanging around Earth?
the Doctor: it's the only planet that has life.

* Clara: so i'm the first Female Doctor! eat it, Helen Mirren! wanna be my Companion?
Ashildr: there's gonna be massive scissoring, huh?
Clara: yep.
Ashildr: okay. but i warn you: i can last a long time.

* the Doctor: stories are created when memories are forgotten.
Clara: my spinoff with Ashildr is gonna beat you in the ratings.

* the Doctor's TARDIS crashes into Clara's TARDIS. Doctor Who is cancelled again.

Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories "Tornado" Episode Discussion

learned:

* plumber: son, stop spritzing glue.
Matt: i'm a growing boy. i need to. there's nothing shameful about it.
dad: son, can't you do something else?
Matt: well i could try rubber cement but man that's gonna be painful.

* i just found out Zagen means "saw"..........very interesting.......and thanks, Google Translate!

* mom: honey, everyone at the hospital is smothered in your seed.
Matt (red cheeks): moooooooom, you're embarrassing me.

* Zagen: this is serious, Matt.

Matt: like The Wire serious or Fringe serious?

* Matt: NO ANESTHESIA?!!!
Father Krang: how do you think Jesus felt with the nails and whatnot?
Matt: i'm Jewish!
Father Krang: don't worry, you'll be reprogrammed in no time.
Matt: i'm not gay!
Father Krang: this is an allegory.
Howie Mandel, in the ER reprising his role as a doctor, screams.

* Zagen: Matt, inside this bag are your balls.
Matt eats his balls.
Matt: i just discovered internet memes.

* Matt: why are you fondling my balls, Father?
Father Krang: an old Catholic tradition. if i were Jesus, i would have sacktapped that traitor Judas for even thinking about betraying me and everything would have been different.
Matt: jesus, don't let that white collar go to your head. literally.

* Matt: so, um, wanna go swimming?
Lucy: Matt, that's your septic tank full of your cum.
Matt: oh, sorry, i get nervous around pixie-cut babes. speaking of my cum, wanna fuck?
Lucy: now that's a new line. i thought you'd never ask. i'm pregnant!
Matt: abortion?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: you're kidding, right? we're keeping the baby? it will be our pride and joy?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: the tone on this show gets confusing.

* Lucy: you're gonna take my baby as your own?! you indirectly fucked me?! madness!
Father Krang: look, i'm only doing what the pink blob in my stomach's telling me to do.

* Matt runs and locks the door behind him.
Lucy (crying and screaming in fear): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
Matt: i gonna cut off these Catholic-priest balls from my body. i'm thinking about sauteing them in a nice champagne reduction till they're nice and crispy but still soft. parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. dinner will be a little late tonight, honey, gotta get that reduction just right.

* this show spoofs horror anthologies. but horror is merely the other side of comedy. one elicits a scream, the other a laugh when your mind is not prepared to see or hear what comes next. both jangle the nerves. so this show ends up being not so much funny as menacingly strange with a few hits to the funny bone thrown in, exactly what an actual modern Twilight Zone episode would be like.