Justice League Action "Speed Demon"

learned:

* Zatanna: you stole my boyfriend! i'm gonna let you have it!
Harley: no, that's another iteration of me, where we're friends and i have no morals. this is the iteration of me where i'm still evil.

* Zatanna: FUCK YOU!
Harley: shouldn't it be KCUF UOY?

* Batman: you know you really do look silly wearing a magician's top hat and tails on the streets.
Zatanna: no tail, man. i'm married to the writer Paul Dini.
Batman: this looks like the fiendish work of that degenerate Brother Night.
Zatanna: i hear he's a dj now.
Batman: my point stands.

* monster guard: there's a lot of illegal activity going on inside this club.
other monster guard: i know. deep house is a crime. the future is V A P O R W A V E

* patron: do you resent having to wear that skimpy skin-tight dress?
waitress: it's not like when i'm naked at my other job.
patron: stripper?
waitress: no. i'm a monster. monsters don't wear clothes.

* Zatanna: you Evil-Lyn wannabe!
Ember: that's more insulting than insulting my breath.

* Brother Night: you could be an actual real bat.
Batman: i'm not gonna sugar-coat it. this costume is itchy as fuck.

* Zatanna: you Maleficent wannabe!
Ember: your words are more hurtful than words used to cast evil spells.

* Zatanna: need a tune-up?
Batman: you said you were married.
Zatanna: no, the demonic Batmobile.
Batman: i don't care about that hunkajunk, it's a rental.

* Brother Night: isn't it fun driving at night?
Batman: no! i can tolerate many things. but not speeding. anything but speeding!

* Batman: turn into Etrigan, Jason!
Jason Blood: you don't need Etrigan, you need a mechanic.
Batman: Mick Kanic of Power Rangers Ninja Steel is off this Saturday. and like for the next six months or something.
Jason Blood: no Power Rangers the whole summer?! these hiatuses are brutal.

* Batman: you're gonna rhyme the whole time?
Etrigan: i was denied having Dr. Seuss read to me as a child. this is how i cope as an adult.

* Etrigan: the lovely mage must not be fried...
Batman: forget it, buddy, she's married to some hotshot writer.

* Etrigan: hit a mailbox, letters flew everywhere. no matter. nobody writes letters anymore.

* man petting dog: Lady, do you want some ice cream?
dog: why do humans think we want your disgusting human food? i want Tramp. where's Tramp at? i want to fuck Tramp.

* Etrigan: turn that cop car into a pig.
Merlin turns Etrigan into a pig.
Merlin: not cool, man. i was MI-5 before becoming a wizard.

* Zatanna: thanks. get me out of this!
Batman: you don't like to be bound and gagged?
Zatanna: only when Paul Dini writes it.

* Etrigan: you scream, i definitely scream, we all scream...
Zatanna: oooh, sprinkles.
Etrigan: you like more than vanilla, lovely mage?
Batman: got any of those ice creams in the shape of a giant foot with a bubblegum as the big toe? i love licking those.
Zatanna: you're a foot freak?
Batman: i spend all of my time alone in a cave looking at a computer. now to fix this rental. it's filled with chocolate.
Etrigan: that's not chocolate. sorry.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Gold Rush"

learned:

* Becca Barnes: Chip, you HAVE to promise me we won't let Jordi Webber go! he can't just be a guest  star, he's too damn handsome, i need to look at his face daily!

* Levi Weston: i'm a country singer. my last name has "west" in it. my first album went Gold...

* Sarah: i'm first in line for the train...
Hayley: no, dammit, i'm first! i'm first! i've got to win something! if the writers won't give it to me i'll give it to myself!

* girl: i'm Levi Weston's biggest fan hence my fan costume.
Victor: dumb girl. stupid girl.
Monty: cut it out, Victor, that's the daughter of the president of Saban.

* Levi: thanks for saving me out there. i don't have friends who aren't hangers-on and just in it for the fame. i guess you could say i'm kinda like Justin Bieber.
Brody: yeah we already did the boy Ranger thing to varying success.

* lady: thanks for fixing my mode of transport.
Levi: cute kid you got in the seat there.
lady: it's yours, Levi.
Levi: i can't raise a kid, i'm the Gold Ranger.

* monster: where's the Gold Star?!
Levi Weston's manager: is this cos i'm black?
monster: no it's cos you're the Black Ranger...

* reporter: the Gold Ranger makes his triumphant appearance to the world!
Calvin: i'm the Yellow Ranger! me! the Gold Ranger's suit is more of a Mustard Yellow, he's the Mustard Yellow Ranger.

* Levi: i don't need a bodyguard anymore, i can fight this monster alone, for i am the Gold Ranger!
Brody: so you're not going to pay me?

* Brody: what happened?
Levi: Madame Odius kidnapped me. i let her cos she was cute. i'm into fucking rubber suits.

* flashback:
Madame Odius: come with me, Gold Ranger. i shall make you a pop idol.
Levi: but i don't know how to sing.
Madame Odius: hence you will be the perfect pop idol.

* Gold Ranger enters headquarters.
Redbot: watch yourself, that first step's a doozy. it's like a giant fan. it will slice you up into pieces. it did to me and i'm not human.

* Gold Ranger: hey what's my zord gonna be?
Mick: i was thinking either a cowboy hat or a guitar.
Redbot: or a bull cos you're full of bull.

* Sarah: it's good to have you on the team, Levi. dibs.
Hayley: dammit! i really hate you, Sarah!
Sarah: hey you decided to be in a relationship from the start. that really hampered your character development.
Hayley: *sigh*

* Victor: okay okay so now i'm the "Big Fan". where's my backstage pass? where the groupies at? where are the green M&Ms and the bubbles? hey Monty turn the fan off, i'm starting to fly away.
Monty: off button? there's no off button.
Victor: why the fuck wouldn't you include an off button?!
Monty: budget cuts. ratings. this show isn't doing as well as expected.

* lady: y'know i just realized that Levi didn't actually sing this episode.
Madame Odius: he can't sing.
lady: my child is a lie.
Madame Odius: tell me about it. it's getting harder and harder these days for us women to find someone worthy to jill off to.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "Hack Attack"

learned:

* man this is dumb.

* Mick: do one thing instead of four things at the same time.
Sarah: that's not what the train tells me to do.
Mick: i take the bus.

* Sarah: and now for the fuck-you-Katniss segment. i hold in my hand the boomerang arrow.
Victor: you hold in your hand my bent dangling arrow.

* Sarah: i engineered clones of myself.
Hayley: so you're the pretty one and the smart one? this is veering dangerously close to white-washing.

* Mick: these Sarah clones better not fall into enemy hands, no telling what the enemy would do with them.......................................i know what i'd do with them................................it's not a sex thing

* public screams.
Rangers: i know it's scary, those drone mosquitoes have cameras which film back to the enemy.
public: no, we just hate big bugs.

* Sarah: ahhhhhhhhh! they're all in my head, i can't get my clones to agree on anything, they're annoying the fuck out of me!
Redbot: i commend Power Rangers for addressing schizophrenia in a kid's show.

* Mick: see? how silly do i look playing all these instruments? at once i mean.
Sarah: i know. thanks, Mick, here's your hug.
Mick: can i get a kiss?
Sarah: what?
Mick: butt?
Sarah: what?

* Hacktrack: i need to reboot.
Sarah: what'd you say about my booty?

* Rangers: oh no! we're in space! that means they're running out of ideas! look what happened to Regular Show!

* Monty: the lower half of my body is broken but thank you for this great hair! i tried every messy gel on the market.

* reporter: the alien is coming out of the hatch now.
Gold Ranger: i'm native Australian, check my papers.
Calvin: i hate that guy.
Hayley: cos he's handsomer than you?
Calvin: no, cos why'd he have to be Gold? it's too similar to Yellow. everyone's gonna forget about me.
*music* Don't you forget about me...
Hayley: gahhh that Gold Ranger is handsome.

Justice League Action "Trick or Threat"

learned:

* i'm not watching this till Halloween.

* Cain: is my laugh evil enough for you? not too much? i'm not forcing it? where's Abel you say? i took care of him. i'm a Caretaker after all.

* Cain: do you see that spooky house over yonder hills? how about now with the lightning? no? congratulations you are not on drugs. no that wasn't candy that strange man gave you.

* kid Batman: should we do the Peanuts dance?
kid Dr. Fate: it's okay, Disney owns everything now.

* kid Constantine: what kind of bugger gives out toothbrushes to kids for Halloween?
kid Dr. Fate: an ironic hipster
kid Batman: the Joker
kid Zatanna: don't worry, the toothbrushes will become heavily significant as the plot progresses.

* kid Constantine: oh btw, think of me as like Constantine as a boy, not a kid version of the adult Constantine cos then the ickiness factor comes in.

* kids: get those bullies! they bring shame to the uniform!

* kid Batman: dude, your name is Klarion? and you're a boy who wears a cat costume? did you get beat up a lot as a kid?

* soldiers: no wait! don't change us back to rats! at least with these uniforms we had respect!

* monsters: we are Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman!
kids: we're millennials, our monster has orange skin.
monsters: how ghoulish.

* kid Zatanna: whoa. look at my figure. i'm gonna be a heartbreaker when i grow up!

* Klarion: hmmm, i wear more makeup as an adult goth than i do as a kid wearing makeup for a costume.
kid Batman: dude, you'll never be an adult. you're a boy and a witch. boy and witch is in your name. i mean, do you get beat up a lot as an adult?

* kid Dr. Fate: okay, you can have my helmet! just please let the cat go!

* kid Constantine: red-hot cinnamon balls, hotter than the hottest magic.

* kid Zatanna: braces. i can barely talk forwards much less backwards.
kid Batman: what?
kid Zatanna: exactly.
kid Batman: just cast the spell.
kid Zatanna: you calling me a witch?

* Constantine: hard to believe you were the one who called someone an asshole.
Batman: that was you!

* Batman: hey Constantine, that's not a Charms Blow Pop you're sucking on, that's my used wad of gum.

* Klarion: wait! i don't want to live here!
Cain: why? cos it's a spooky mansion forever trapped swirling in a blue interdimensional vortex?
Klarion: no, cos it's rent-controlled!

Justice League Action "Repulse!"

learned:

* the episode really should have been called "Wondersupes".

* maitre d': i know why you tripped, she's fucking hot in that dress.
waiter: no she left her rope on the floor.

* Superman: what about Steve?
Wonder Woman: Buscemi's a good fuck but he's unstable.

* Wonder Woman: what about Lois?
Superman: good fuck but i can't stand her voice. Peter Griffin is gonna sit on and kill me.

* Superman: this garlic risotto looks like a dog's dinner. i'll put it in a doggie bag and serve it to Krypto. hey who's the cute bulldog that's come out of the kitchen to greet us? you want this food, boy?
Wonder Woman: that's Gordon Ramsay.

* Wonder Woman: will you cover the check?
Superman: no need, this restaurant will be destroyed during the next fight.

* Repulse: i am Lex Luthor, i mean, dammit!

* Repulse: when did you cops get lasers?
cops: Disney owns everything now.

* Hawkman: threesome?
Wonder Woman: what about Hawkgirl?
Hawkman: you may find this hard to believe but Hawkgirl is not the best lover.

* Hawkman: Diana! are you okay?
Wonder Woman: still haven't gotten my kiss!
Hawkman: here. technically this is mouth-to-mouth.......dammit my helmet got in the way!

* Lex Luthor: whatever you say bounces off me...
Superman: you're James Woods, right?
Lex Luthor: yes. and where is Supergirl on this fine day?
Superman: yeah i don't want you around the young ones.
Lex Luthor: i'm glue, you're rubber...
Superman: see what i mean?

* Superman: i've turned into Repulse! i better get out of here before i cause any more damage! don't worry i destroyed the restaurant!

* Superman: i'm so sorry! guys, save that plane! on this occasion i definitely wasn't a plane! the plane was the plane!
Wonder Woman: just call me Sully.
Hawkman: that's a man's name.

* Lex Luthor: okay okay i'll tell you. but please tighten the rope around me tighter i haven't gotten off yet.

* Hawkman: Black Hole XT357.................i've taken up theoretical astrophysics since i don't have sex anymore.

* Lex Luthor: black holes are like vacuum cleaners. let's get an expert in here to explain them.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: is this cos i'm black?

* Wonder Woman: nanobots, what are they good for am i right?
Hawkman: mind control.
Lex Luthor: marketing.

* Lex Luthor: i'm a ginger.
Hawkman: is it true what they say? gingers have no souls.
Lex Luthor: yes. i bought mine.

* Lex Luthor: no one has ever seen the center of a black hole before!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: jealous.

* Wonder Woman: i'm pulling you out!
Superman: i get it, i'll wear a condom.

* Wonder Woman: and we still have time for dessert.
Superman: i hear they make an amazing cannoli.
Wonder Woman: that's not the dessert i was referring to.
Superman: Krypto-style?
Wonder Woman: no, vanilla.

* Wonder Woman: you need a breath mint.
Superman: i don't have any more money.

Power Rangers Ninja Steel "My Friend, Redbot"

learned:

* Victor: an episode about a dance? but we're a high-school show. whatever, i guess i need a date.
Monty: i love you, sir.
Victor: good. find me a good woman. good-looking but not as good-looking as me. oh and i need to dance like a pro.
Monty: Michael Jackson is dead, sir.

* Hayley: why is this thing not spitting out Blue Is the Warmest Colour?
Redbot: i'm Redbot, not Redbox. would you care to accompany me to the dance, milady?
Hayley: you're a joke.
Redbot: damn. i have feelings you know.

* Galvanax: why are you mooning the audience?
Cosmo Royale: it's just my ass looks good. my ass looks real good.

* Brody: you were a little hard on him. women can ruin men with one rejection.
Hayley: it's just a mess of wires.
Brody: Redbot's alive like your dog.
Hayley: but my dog can talk.
Kody: Scooby Dooby Doo!

* Hayley: Redbot, you saved my life! i'd kiss you but it'd be weird.
Redbot is struggling to survive, crackling energy and malfunctioning.
Redbot: am i human now?
Hayley: yes, Redbot. you loved. you loved. Beauty and the Beast in theaters soon. with that hottie Emma Watson.
the light in Redbot's eyes goes out.

* Hayley: how'd you resist Bagpipes's music?
Redbot: that ain't music.
Hayley: burn.
Redbot: sounded like Michael Jackson.
Hayley: what?! how can you not like Michael Jackson?
Redbot: i like electronica.
Hayley: wanna be startin' somethin'?
Redbot: that's just your human nature.

* Redbot: Kody, are you a dog or a wolf?
Kody: i'm a Wolf's Rain Japanese man.

* Power Rangers: so, pipes, huh?
Bagpipes: you guessed it. they aren't real bagpipes. i know nothing of music. they're hookahs.

* Hayley enters.
Redbot: Kody, sic her!
Hayley: what the fuck, robot.
Redbot: sorry. still have lingering anger issues i haven't resolved. you really fucked me up.
Hayley: if it's any consolation you were a better fuck than Calvin.

* Madame Odius: fools. as the only woman in the bunch i have all the common sense. i have the gold star and the endgame.
captive: why are you keeping me here? please remove these sweaty wires. what do you want from me?
Madame Odius: you're my skin doctor. the gold star will morph into the Gold Bond zord. i need you to rub as much Gold Bond all over my body as possible, these rubber suits are itchy.

* Calvin lifts Sarah up high on the dancefloor.
Sarah: no peeking up my skirt.
Calvin: i can't believe a Power Ranger girl is wearing a dress!
Hayley: why don't you ever lift me up like that?
Calvin: she wore the dress better than you.

* Hayley: may i have this dance, gentlebot?
Redbot: swipe left.

* Redbot: okay..........wait i thought we were gonna slowdance.
Hayley: i have a boyfriend.

Justice League Action "Play Date"

learned:

* don't change the channel! this is not a toyetic cartoon!

* at least Toyman is a kid here (instead of a pedo)

* Superman: this is weird.
Wonder Woman: alive toys with real dangerous weapons?
Batman: all real kid toys today are hazardous health-risk dangers. toys kill, that was the moral of this episode.

* Superman: how can you eat that pizza? isn't your stomach metal?
Cyborg: it turns into a pizza slushie.
Superman: thanks for the visual, i'll never eat pizza again. why do you spend so much time playing video games when your real life is a video game?
Cyborg: i need all the action i can get, i'm on Teen Titans Go.

* Cyborg: guys i'm gonna play the long game this episode and activate this cute red Batman toy. despite his red cowl this is not a red herring. though the red cowl does remind me of Red Hood...
Batman: i still don't feel guilty about Jason.

* Toyman: i'm back! and i sound familiar.
Batman: oh look, it's Joker Lite.
Toyman: i prefer Joker Junior thank you very much.

* Toyman: haha, forget kryptonite, i bested Superman with frickin' gum!

* Toyman: ah the smell of joysticks, so nostalgic. i am the ultimate puppetmaster! dance, heroes, dance!
Wonder Woman: why are the guys doing the macarena and i'm the only one twerking?

* Superman: Boulevard Brawlers?
Batman: we're a small show, copyrights are expensive.

* Cyborg: but Batman doesn't have any powers!
Batman: neither do you, you're a coffee pot.
Cyborg: that's racist.
Batman: nah, i drink white coffee.
Cyborg: damn.

* Wonder Woman: in a world of ordinary men, i am a wonder woman......that should have been in the film trailer.

* Cyborg: what? the secret character unlock was me? oh. i thought it was gonna be that cute stars-and-stripes girl.

* Toyman: sore losers can get more sore.
Wonder Woman: without your character redesign we would have had to rewrite that line.

* i don't care what nobody says, button-mashing was the golden age of video games!