NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Monday, December 24, 2018
The Shivering Truth "Tow and Shell"
notes:
* last time: that goth poet continues to really need to be Johnny Weir
* not associated at all with the band Tool except the Claymation part. or sponsored by Big Gas.
* for all those who are bullied…
* Vernon Chatman is really into the recurring theme of service-aid workers on the phone. there seems to be a long history of that with him. i think that's where he first learned that humanity was just another insignificant number waiting to be helped put on hold. i wouldn't be surprised to see suicide-hotline operator on his resume.
* Vernon: everytime you lie a dead cat falls from the sky.
Jim Morrison from his crystal ship: far-out lyrics, man. but as the station head i can't allow that imagery for kidults.
Vernon: okay, falling dead rats?
Jim: better.
Vernon: so what's Farout like?
Jim: it's, like, far-out, man.
* 911: 911 what's your emergency? can you believe we're still cashing in the ratings? what is our rake made of? i mean they were doing this same old shit back when Captain Kirk was riding the ambulance.
father: um, i killed my wife. or my lover i'm confused. i mean i didn't kill them, they broke my heart.
911: sir, without women, your life and life itself is meaningless. you realize this, right?
father: yes. without those two women i can't self-actualize. so what i did was big and dumb.
911: it doesn't matter the women. look out your window, sir, see the neon lights? that fat woman by the window? you like the chubby circus ones, right? we know from your internet history.
father: all i see is a pineapple roasting over a spit. my name is Squidward and i need my comfort clarinet or i'm about to break.
* father: great, now that my son can't hear me i think he's a spazz or something.
lover: you really are Father of the Year.
father: want me to kill you?
lover: aren't you supposed to do that to your wife? so me your lover and you can be free?
father: fine, you do it then.
lover: we all watched the competing Long Island Lolita tv-movies when they came out Christmastime on NBC...
* kid: i have a painfully cute voice which makes my sadness all the more sobering. i borrowed that trick from the South Park gang with Ike and the other little brothers and sisters on that show. you can't resist the voice, instant empathy.
* kid: teacher, i think my shell is magic, i can hear things.
teacher: all shells are magic, you hear the ocean, right?
kid: well i'm hearing streams and torrents...
* lover: don't touch me there, you bad man.
father: oh, you like that, baby?
lover: no, you're seriously a bad man.
father: Krakatoa!
lover: not cool, Squidward.
* kid: teacher, what do you do, where do you go, when your father hates you?
teacher: turn to your class, they'll help you out.
kid: but they're all laughing.
teacher: laughing is our human defense-mechanism against the dark truth of death we cannot face.
kid: can you be my daddy?
teacher: i never wanted kids, that's why i became a teacher.
* teacher: kid, don't hold the shell to your ear. there, better now? you don't hear anything, including your nightmares.
kid: teacher, did you always want to be a teacher?
teacher: i was convinced one day i'd run into a kid i taught who would show me the way, my purpose. you are that beautiful blond boy.
kid: i don't like where this is going, i've heard stories. i'm trying to keep it together, not to cry cos boys don't cry. plus my classmates are all crying for me.
teacher: holy shit that one girl turned into an old woman. an old woman who looks like my old teacher! that's gotta be a sign! i'm either training the next generation or i should leave this profession immediately.
* teacher smashes shell with hammer.
teacher: i can't hear no more!
kid: you smashed your own eardrum! you can't kill nature, you can't kill the ocean! where are you going?
teacher: i found these blue jewels in your cat!
kid: those are the ocean's droppings.
teacher: well at least i can sell this shell. this shell is one big pooka shell, right? as long as it's not the famous Conch...
kid: boys my age are very susceptible...
* kid: i wish that happened reverse, i'd come out of the shell as a cat and you'd be the kid.
cat: *licking himself* kid do you have any idea how complicated my life is?
* operator: you can only get help if you have the Deluxe Plan. you have the Black American Express Card?
Vernon: no, i'm not black. tho everyone mistakes me for black.
operator: congratulations, you're now part of the media elite! are you an ambulance chaser?
Vernon: no.
operator: well you betta learn. you're gonna have to run after the ambulance when it passes by your location. we stop for no man.
father: i don't know if it's more depressing to be Squidward or O.J. Simpson.
* kid: and so i murdered the ocean. what happened to the earth after you ask? it was saved, global warming started to cool again and the ozone was repaired. but i have to keep a daily watch, a steady vigil, with my gun pointed at the sea or it all goes back to the 2030 Countdown Clock again. i have to remain in this position forever. never eating. my elbow hurts.
teacher: no guns allowed in the classroom.
operator: you wanna switch shifts?
* Vernon: what happened to the pig-snout end credits?
Squidward: hey i'm not THAT ugly! yes my nose runs sometimes when i get sick. i'm allergic to the sea...
* last time: that goth poet continues to really need to be Johnny Weir
* not associated at all with the band Tool except the Claymation part. or sponsored by Big Gas.
* for all those who are bullied…
* Vernon Chatman is really into the recurring theme of service-aid workers on the phone. there seems to be a long history of that with him. i think that's where he first learned that humanity was just another insignificant number waiting to be helped put on hold. i wouldn't be surprised to see suicide-hotline operator on his resume.
* Vernon: everytime you lie a dead cat falls from the sky.
Jim Morrison from his crystal ship: far-out lyrics, man. but as the station head i can't allow that imagery for kidults.
Vernon: okay, falling dead rats?
Jim: better.
Vernon: so what's Farout like?
Jim: it's, like, far-out, man.
* 911: 911 what's your emergency? can you believe we're still cashing in the ratings? what is our rake made of? i mean they were doing this same old shit back when Captain Kirk was riding the ambulance.
father: um, i killed my wife. or my lover i'm confused. i mean i didn't kill them, they broke my heart.
911: sir, without women, your life and life itself is meaningless. you realize this, right?
father: yes. without those two women i can't self-actualize. so what i did was big and dumb.
911: it doesn't matter the women. look out your window, sir, see the neon lights? that fat woman by the window? you like the chubby circus ones, right? we know from your internet history.
father: all i see is a pineapple roasting over a spit. my name is Squidward and i need my comfort clarinet or i'm about to break.
* father: great, now that my son can't hear me i think he's a spazz or something.
lover: you really are Father of the Year.
father: want me to kill you?
lover: aren't you supposed to do that to your wife? so me your lover and you can be free?
father: fine, you do it then.
lover: we all watched the competing Long Island Lolita tv-movies when they came out Christmastime on NBC...
* kid: i have a painfully cute voice which makes my sadness all the more sobering. i borrowed that trick from the South Park gang with Ike and the other little brothers and sisters on that show. you can't resist the voice, instant empathy.
* kid: teacher, i think my shell is magic, i can hear things.
teacher: all shells are magic, you hear the ocean, right?
kid: well i'm hearing streams and torrents...
* lover: don't touch me there, you bad man.
father: oh, you like that, baby?
lover: no, you're seriously a bad man.
father: Krakatoa!
lover: not cool, Squidward.
* kid: teacher, what do you do, where do you go, when your father hates you?
teacher: turn to your class, they'll help you out.
kid: but they're all laughing.
teacher: laughing is our human defense-mechanism against the dark truth of death we cannot face.
kid: can you be my daddy?
teacher: i never wanted kids, that's why i became a teacher.
* teacher: kid, don't hold the shell to your ear. there, better now? you don't hear anything, including your nightmares.
kid: teacher, did you always want to be a teacher?
teacher: i was convinced one day i'd run into a kid i taught who would show me the way, my purpose. you are that beautiful blond boy.
kid: i don't like where this is going, i've heard stories. i'm trying to keep it together, not to cry cos boys don't cry. plus my classmates are all crying for me.
teacher: holy shit that one girl turned into an old woman. an old woman who looks like my old teacher! that's gotta be a sign! i'm either training the next generation or i should leave this profession immediately.
* teacher smashes shell with hammer.
teacher: i can't hear no more!
kid: you smashed your own eardrum! you can't kill nature, you can't kill the ocean! where are you going?
teacher: i found these blue jewels in your cat!
kid: those are the ocean's droppings.
teacher: well at least i can sell this shell. this shell is one big pooka shell, right? as long as it's not the famous Conch...
kid: boys my age are very susceptible...
* kid: i wish that happened reverse, i'd come out of the shell as a cat and you'd be the kid.
cat: *licking himself* kid do you have any idea how complicated my life is?
* operator: you can only get help if you have the Deluxe Plan. you have the Black American Express Card?
Vernon: no, i'm not black. tho everyone mistakes me for black.
operator: congratulations, you're now part of the media elite! are you an ambulance chaser?
Vernon: no.
operator: well you betta learn. you're gonna have to run after the ambulance when it passes by your location. we stop for no man.
father: i don't know if it's more depressing to be Squidward or O.J. Simpson.
* kid: and so i murdered the ocean. what happened to the earth after you ask? it was saved, global warming started to cool again and the ozone was repaired. but i have to keep a daily watch, a steady vigil, with my gun pointed at the sea or it all goes back to the 2030 Countdown Clock again. i have to remain in this position forever. never eating. my elbow hurts.
teacher: no guns allowed in the classroom.
operator: you wanna switch shifts?
* Vernon: what happened to the pig-snout end credits?
Squidward: hey i'm not THAT ugly! yes my nose runs sometimes when i get sick. i'm allergic to the sea...
Monday, December 17, 2018
The Shivering Truth "Constadeath"
notes:
* this narrator voiceover is starting to grow on me...
* if Almighty God dies, who writes the inscription on the tomb? how could you possibly encapsulate God in a few words?
God: Love > Death
my boy Orson was the greatest gay man I ever created.
* shoutout to Props Dept.: using those backscratchers for God's long arm and scratchy fingers like the Cryptkeeper's
* slave: don't you dare call me a magic black girl! i'll beat you silly, boy!
boy with sailor hat and tag on hat: please take no offense, sir, you're my idol. as in i think i worship you. if i worship myself. if i love myself. want a lollipop?
slave: call me Magical Girl. anime is the only thing in this world which brings me happiness.
* slave: what shall i dream about to cover up my endless inescapable pain? i know, i'll be white!
slave as sailor boy: my idols were not Popeye or Donald Duck. or Pippi Longstocking's Cap'n father. i honored the men of the sea who were not afraid to skip on a pier.
* boy: don't make me do this. if my rope turns into black licorice, does it still hurt as bad to whip?
* slave: quick! touch me and turn me into grape jelly so i can escape out of my chains!
boy: sorry, sir, it's a hot day and the jelly is more of the hard elastic rope blocks than the Smuckers jelly with the seeds that's more of a paste.
* boy: my parents took turns shivving me, preparing me for being a federal rat. i don't blame them, their mutual actions against me strengthened their marriage. i was never in danger of being a child of divorce.
parents: if we didn't have children, we would have divorced.
boy: thank you. life is better than no life at all.
* you know this was verbatim a doctor's visit Vern endured.
Vern: so Doc, how much longer do i have to live?
doc: once you die, you have no more conception of time.
Vern: if i don't look at the ticking countdown clock, time won't move forward, right? time works like observing atoms, right? after all, time is just time atoms.
doc: i still have my Watchmen watch from my Catholic-school days. that's actually a clock counting down to the next episode of Supermarket Sweep.
* doc: quick, sign here.
Vern: do i really have to sign it? don't you already have me by the balls?
doc: yes, figuratively and literally. think of me as the doctor from the pilot episode. and your agent. your balls smell nice. not sweaty this time of year.
* Vern: so i have the head of a Kraken. or eagle, same symbol.
doc: life is life, right? would you rather be dead or alive as a bird?
Vern: but i would never know i was dead...
* Vern: Lucy, i've got some splaining to do!
Lucy, his wife: honey! surprised to see you at the house! you're, like, never home, you have more paperwork than Naruto.
Vern: have you ever wanted to make love to all the animals at once?
* Lucy: i was a zoology major in college but this is ridiculous.
Verrn: sorry, i have to do this same joke...like five times..each time another year...my background was in standup comedy...
Lucy: you realize i cheated with another version of youself in the interim each year.
Vern: i swear i bought you birthday and Christmas gifts each year---different ones, it's just that it lasts a second so we can't exhange.
Lucy: i exchanged some weird fluids with you. on second thought, i don't want to be a zoo vet.
* Lucy: but where's my REAL husband?
Vern: does a person have to have the same head or the same body to be the same one? i always thought the heart was more important than the brain...
* Vern: did you remember to get the Lemon Pledge? that joke is only funny with the Seth MacFarlane head.
Lucy: thank you, honey, this marriage taught me patience. i'm gonna wait a real long time before i divorce you.
Vern: our family pets will be pets of divorce.
* boy: i see a face. my house. my house has the face! and it's staring at me. ironically this would be less scary at night. i don't like this meme game anymore.
house: trust me, kid, don't go down the path of looking at the internet every five seconds, you'll be a heathier adult.
* boy: i cut myself shaving...thank you for the extra house key, God's Hand, can i see Your body now?...oh i see, my wounds are from my parents when they plunged that knife into me, psychological wounds, so i can't see them even though they appear on my arm...God, i lost the key again, lost it in the grass, next time put it on a visible snake keychain...
* boy: my wounds...this is the frontispiece of the piece...the central theme...when my wounds close up, when they heal, they disappear...so when we die, that's when we're healed...we're healed when we cease to exist...close up all my wounds so they won't be able to speak anymore, that's creepy...make it so i can't speak again so they won't speak again... y'know that cocoa butter stuff is holy water in more ways than one...get the honey-scented cocoa butter...
* boy: oh, i forgot i was a black man, you can arrest me now.
God: being black isn't a crime, being not Me is...
* when i watch this show sober, i get it, when i watch it drunk or high, i don't get it, what does this say about me?
* Vernon, please hurry up and figure out through your work what happens to us after we die, it's driving my mind crazy...
* this narrator voiceover is starting to grow on me...
* if Almighty God dies, who writes the inscription on the tomb? how could you possibly encapsulate God in a few words?
God: Love > Death
my boy Orson was the greatest gay man I ever created.
* shoutout to Props Dept.: using those backscratchers for God's long arm and scratchy fingers like the Cryptkeeper's
* slave: don't you dare call me a magic black girl! i'll beat you silly, boy!
boy with sailor hat and tag on hat: please take no offense, sir, you're my idol. as in i think i worship you. if i worship myself. if i love myself. want a lollipop?
slave: call me Magical Girl. anime is the only thing in this world which brings me happiness.
* slave: what shall i dream about to cover up my endless inescapable pain? i know, i'll be white!
slave as sailor boy: my idols were not Popeye or Donald Duck. or Pippi Longstocking's Cap'n father. i honored the men of the sea who were not afraid to skip on a pier.
* boy: don't make me do this. if my rope turns into black licorice, does it still hurt as bad to whip?
* slave: quick! touch me and turn me into grape jelly so i can escape out of my chains!
boy: sorry, sir, it's a hot day and the jelly is more of the hard elastic rope blocks than the Smuckers jelly with the seeds that's more of a paste.
* boy: my parents took turns shivving me, preparing me for being a federal rat. i don't blame them, their mutual actions against me strengthened their marriage. i was never in danger of being a child of divorce.
parents: if we didn't have children, we would have divorced.
boy: thank you. life is better than no life at all.
* you know this was verbatim a doctor's visit Vern endured.
Vern: so Doc, how much longer do i have to live?
doc: once you die, you have no more conception of time.
Vern: if i don't look at the ticking countdown clock, time won't move forward, right? time works like observing atoms, right? after all, time is just time atoms.
doc: i still have my Watchmen watch from my Catholic-school days. that's actually a clock counting down to the next episode of Supermarket Sweep.
* doc: quick, sign here.
Vern: do i really have to sign it? don't you already have me by the balls?
doc: yes, figuratively and literally. think of me as the doctor from the pilot episode. and your agent. your balls smell nice. not sweaty this time of year.
* Vern: so i have the head of a Kraken. or eagle, same symbol.
doc: life is life, right? would you rather be dead or alive as a bird?
Vern: but i would never know i was dead...
* Vern: Lucy, i've got some splaining to do!
Lucy, his wife: honey! surprised to see you at the house! you're, like, never home, you have more paperwork than Naruto.
Vern: have you ever wanted to make love to all the animals at once?
* Lucy: i was a zoology major in college but this is ridiculous.
Verrn: sorry, i have to do this same joke...like five times..each time another year...my background was in standup comedy...
Lucy: you realize i cheated with another version of youself in the interim each year.
Vern: i swear i bought you birthday and Christmas gifts each year---different ones, it's just that it lasts a second so we can't exhange.
Lucy: i exchanged some weird fluids with you. on second thought, i don't want to be a zoo vet.
* Lucy: but where's my REAL husband?
Vern: does a person have to have the same head or the same body to be the same one? i always thought the heart was more important than the brain...
* Vern: did you remember to get the Lemon Pledge? that joke is only funny with the Seth MacFarlane head.
Lucy: thank you, honey, this marriage taught me patience. i'm gonna wait a real long time before i divorce you.
Vern: our family pets will be pets of divorce.
* boy: i see a face. my house. my house has the face! and it's staring at me. ironically this would be less scary at night. i don't like this meme game anymore.
house: trust me, kid, don't go down the path of looking at the internet every five seconds, you'll be a heathier adult.
* boy: i cut myself shaving...thank you for the extra house key, God's Hand, can i see Your body now?...oh i see, my wounds are from my parents when they plunged that knife into me, psychological wounds, so i can't see them even though they appear on my arm...God, i lost the key again, lost it in the grass, next time put it on a visible snake keychain...
* boy: my wounds...this is the frontispiece of the piece...the central theme...when my wounds close up, when they heal, they disappear...so when we die, that's when we're healed...we're healed when we cease to exist...close up all my wounds so they won't be able to speak anymore, that's creepy...make it so i can't speak again so they won't speak again... y'know that cocoa butter stuff is holy water in more ways than one...get the honey-scented cocoa butter...
* boy: oh, i forgot i was a black man, you can arrest me now.
God: being black isn't a crime, being not Me is...
* when i watch this show sober, i get it, when i watch it drunk or high, i don't get it, what does this say about me?
* Vernon, please hurry up and figure out through your work what happens to us after we die, it's driving my mind crazy...
The Shivering Truth "Ogled Inklings"
notes:
* last time: Bjork's "All Is Full of Love" music video is masturbation taken to the highest artistic level
* last time: it seems like a giant hot dog would be cool...but really it turns out it isn't...
* hey now, don't you go making fun of poetic goths, saw that preview WAY too much this week.
* but it's not inklings, it's clay (and maybe highstrung string and copper wire and hay stuffed in there in the puppets and stuff)
*ohhhhhhhhhhhhh okay NOW i get it, Vernon is imitating the Rod Serling Twilight Zone voice when he narrates. and now that i think back, it was kinda how the Xavier voice was. so this show is basically if Robot Chicken and Xavier: Renegade Angel had a baby. a goofy-looking baby who drank the wrong milk (coyote milk).
* it was a dry heat...the kind where cactus soda makes itself...there was only enough money for ONE prison bars...cos the government had slashed funding to rehabilitation programs and guard pensions...the government wanted a police state where EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN was incarcerated...then there'd be nothing to do but pave the one road to the McDonald's...
* cop 1: see that tumbleweed over there?
cop 2: that's in your head...
cop 1: see that horned cattle skeleton head over there?
cop 2: that's YOUR head, you're dead. and apparently you were Satan this whole time.
cop 1: but i'm from Bone China.
* prisoners: truth is, there isn't much to do in prison. well nothing much to do in the desert. the Breaking Bad winnebago left long ago, Bryan Cranston is back doing comedy, and we can't even do the Carlton Fortnite dance anymore to keep cool. this is the North Korean dream, fear of being jailed so always in march formation. even when there is no prison.
cop 2: but we're all in our own prison, of the mind. and the political affiliation. and the skin color. and the social status. and the how much money you make if you're a public official.
prisoners: can we at least make this interesting? let's play Tic Tac Toe on the prison grate.
cop 1: i'll trade you my water for your water.
* man in bed: i ogled her breasts. sorry but i'm a man, what do you expect?
nurse: toxic masculinity…
man: is it toxic...or is it just masculinity? nobody knows what it means to be a man anymore in this society.
nurse: i'll fetch you your MEL Magazine shortly. can i get you anything?
man: goggles to keep my eyes open...
* man: what? i'm into gilfs.
* nurse: you are the cause of all the hatred and division and scapegoating in the world. who are you?
man: i am Russian Bot. i don't get it, i'm in bed but i don't feel sexy. hey can you splash my face with water as soon as i start to nod off? can i ogle your breasts?
nurse: thank you, that's already the compliment. you need to go outside and smell the fresh fields.
man: but there is no outside, there is only the inside of one's mind. what do i have, nurse?
nurse: constadeath…...that will be explained next episode...
man: nurse why am i so ugly?
nurse: cos you're human.
man: why do you have the face of a Kraken?
nurse: here it's known as the standard nonthreatening metrosexual monoculture face.
man: homoculture? no homo, no bueno. you mean like monoculturalism? THAT is what destroyed the world, not me. no more EuroCups!
nurse: no like monoculture farm fields...that you should be smelling.
* don't look too hard at the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you...with goth raccoon eyes...
* soldier: what's your story, kid?
goth poet: as all kids, abused by the ones who loved me the most...
soldier: the government professes its love for you. the government needs your poetry to stop the end of civilization.
goth poet: but isn't this what we're all aiming for? so there will be no more suffering, no more pain to put on a wax vinyl record. nirvana. not the band.
soldier: i'm only following orders. i don't believe in global warming, poetry is just a waste of paper and natural resources. we fight wars over poetry.
goth poet: i wish i lived in the 17th century. sure the pompadour wigs and everything, but back then, poetry was like what Harry Potter is today. the first sex scene in a book was written by the Bronte Sisters using coded words. like "tree" for "anal". look, i'm just doing this to make enough poem money to buy new black Chuck Taylors, kay?
* PLEASE, the voice of the goth poet MUST be Johnny Weir for it to be perfect.
* soldier: the power of words...
goth poet: unfortunately most of our fellow countrymen don't know how to read.
soldier: hey you started LiveJournal, right?
goth poet: there is no reality. no reality as such, it is simply all in your head, if you create a reality of your own, that is your world, that is how God works. and by God i mean Trent. Dilfer.
soldier: Peace is War. can i use your book as campfire fuel? i've suddenly gotten very cold inside my inside.
goth poet: sure, now you've got it! my loyal pet who'll never leave me is the dude from Skinny Puppy and i'm wearing pale makeup to show it's not a male or female thing, it's a human gaze.
soldier: so you're asexual, which is very boring dramatically.
goth poet: well Nymphomaniac was pretty good till the ending.
soldier: i played with GI Joe toy soldiers as a boy. but i put dresses on them. so what's that make me?
goth poet: see the Earth? it's two giant tits crashing into each other like environmentally-depleted waves. smushing together like an oat PB&J sandwich oath. i can say that cos i'm asexual, not on the spectrum. it's the counter to that Tool video where you saw the Earth's eye at the end looking, this is what the Earth was looking at. two polar opposites. the two poles of the Earth's tits.
soldier: are all men tools?
goth poet: sure, look at us, our penises are giant keys...
* last time: Bjork's "All Is Full of Love" music video is masturbation taken to the highest artistic level
* last time: it seems like a giant hot dog would be cool...but really it turns out it isn't...
* hey now, don't you go making fun of poetic goths, saw that preview WAY too much this week.
* but it's not inklings, it's clay (and maybe highstrung string and copper wire and hay stuffed in there in the puppets and stuff)
*ohhhhhhhhhhhhh okay NOW i get it, Vernon is imitating the Rod Serling Twilight Zone voice when he narrates. and now that i think back, it was kinda how the Xavier voice was. so this show is basically if Robot Chicken and Xavier: Renegade Angel had a baby. a goofy-looking baby who drank the wrong milk (coyote milk).
* it was a dry heat...the kind where cactus soda makes itself...there was only enough money for ONE prison bars...cos the government had slashed funding to rehabilitation programs and guard pensions...the government wanted a police state where EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN was incarcerated...then there'd be nothing to do but pave the one road to the McDonald's...
* cop 1: see that tumbleweed over there?
cop 2: that's in your head...
cop 1: see that horned cattle skeleton head over there?
cop 2: that's YOUR head, you're dead. and apparently you were Satan this whole time.
cop 1: but i'm from Bone China.
* prisoners: truth is, there isn't much to do in prison. well nothing much to do in the desert. the Breaking Bad winnebago left long ago, Bryan Cranston is back doing comedy, and we can't even do the Carlton Fortnite dance anymore to keep cool. this is the North Korean dream, fear of being jailed so always in march formation. even when there is no prison.
cop 2: but we're all in our own prison, of the mind. and the political affiliation. and the skin color. and the social status. and the how much money you make if you're a public official.
prisoners: can we at least make this interesting? let's play Tic Tac Toe on the prison grate.
cop 1: i'll trade you my water for your water.
* man in bed: i ogled her breasts. sorry but i'm a man, what do you expect?
nurse: toxic masculinity…
man: is it toxic...or is it just masculinity? nobody knows what it means to be a man anymore in this society.
nurse: i'll fetch you your MEL Magazine shortly. can i get you anything?
man: goggles to keep my eyes open...
* man: what? i'm into gilfs.
* nurse: you are the cause of all the hatred and division and scapegoating in the world. who are you?
man: i am Russian Bot. i don't get it, i'm in bed but i don't feel sexy. hey can you splash my face with water as soon as i start to nod off? can i ogle your breasts?
nurse: thank you, that's already the compliment. you need to go outside and smell the fresh fields.
man: but there is no outside, there is only the inside of one's mind. what do i have, nurse?
nurse: constadeath…...that will be explained next episode...
man: nurse why am i so ugly?
nurse: cos you're human.
man: why do you have the face of a Kraken?
nurse: here it's known as the standard nonthreatening metrosexual monoculture face.
man: homoculture? no homo, no bueno. you mean like monoculturalism? THAT is what destroyed the world, not me. no more EuroCups!
nurse: no like monoculture farm fields...that you should be smelling.
* don't look too hard at the abyss, the abyss will stare back at you...with goth raccoon eyes...
* soldier: what's your story, kid?
goth poet: as all kids, abused by the ones who loved me the most...
soldier: the government professes its love for you. the government needs your poetry to stop the end of civilization.
goth poet: but isn't this what we're all aiming for? so there will be no more suffering, no more pain to put on a wax vinyl record. nirvana. not the band.
soldier: i'm only following orders. i don't believe in global warming, poetry is just a waste of paper and natural resources. we fight wars over poetry.
goth poet: i wish i lived in the 17th century. sure the pompadour wigs and everything, but back then, poetry was like what Harry Potter is today. the first sex scene in a book was written by the Bronte Sisters using coded words. like "tree" for "anal". look, i'm just doing this to make enough poem money to buy new black Chuck Taylors, kay?
* PLEASE, the voice of the goth poet MUST be Johnny Weir for it to be perfect.
* soldier: the power of words...
goth poet: unfortunately most of our fellow countrymen don't know how to read.
soldier: hey you started LiveJournal, right?
goth poet: there is no reality. no reality as such, it is simply all in your head, if you create a reality of your own, that is your world, that is how God works. and by God i mean Trent. Dilfer.
soldier: Peace is War. can i use your book as campfire fuel? i've suddenly gotten very cold inside my inside.
goth poet: sure, now you've got it! my loyal pet who'll never leave me is the dude from Skinny Puppy and i'm wearing pale makeup to show it's not a male or female thing, it's a human gaze.
soldier: so you're asexual, which is very boring dramatically.
goth poet: well Nymphomaniac was pretty good till the ending.
soldier: i played with GI Joe toy soldiers as a boy. but i put dresses on them. so what's that make me?
goth poet: see the Earth? it's two giant tits crashing into each other like environmentally-depleted waves. smushing together like an oat PB&J sandwich oath. i can say that cos i'm asexual, not on the spectrum. it's the counter to that Tool video where you saw the Earth's eye at the end looking, this is what the Earth was looking at. two polar opposites. the two poles of the Earth's tits.
soldier: are all men tools?
goth poet: sure, look at us, our penises are giant keys...
Monday, December 10, 2018
The Shivering Truth "The Magmafying Past"
notes:
* this is gonna be a two-parter
* every time i see a drill sergeant i think back to how Goren made that show Law & Order: CI.
* reverse psychology, with a bit of mindreading tossed in at the end
* if humans could read minds there would be no wars. and no need for drill sergeants and maggots and yellow vests and psychological case studies of enemies and ourselves
* just because i shave my head and wear glasses doesn't mean i'm a nerd
* Drill Sergeant: who are you, a metamorphosed Kafka?
* Drill Sergeant: why you cryin'?
cadet: i cry whenever i think of maggots, jar of flies, Layne.
* cadet: three hots and a cot. like Cobain.
drill: don't let him see the whites of my eyes, cos that's where my soul shows.
cadet: you're scared you're gonna be found out. you're so insecure you drink your own pee when it comes so it doesn't get into your pants.
drill: i went to war when i was a baby...
cadet: wow that is fucked up. i forgive you, beat the hell outta me i'll understand. think of me as your Human Pincushion, your Human Therapy Doll. hey we're all freaks inside in the end.
* why does my soul mate have to be damaged like me?
* this really gets to the heart of my favorite comfort: scratching. well and spaghetti. scratching and spaghetti are my two comforts.
* i'm gonna start scratching even though it's bad for me. i'm gonna scratch till i grow a new skin, there will be blood everywhere but i will refuse medical service cos this is religion we're talking about. if Jesus can pull His heart out of His chest i can endure a few booboos without a mother's kiss.
* huh, i scratched the surface of myself and formed a new church...
* this is like those Goya Spanish architecture churches. deformed and gothic and free admission cos they're basically museums. and meant for Terminator robots to pray with their children.
* honey, why did you teach our child peek-a-boo?
i thought you did, you're the mother, i was busy drinking beer.
i'm worried sic (sic). i can't find her anywhere!
she's just playing a game with us...hey at least she doesn't get scared when she gets lost from us, she's giggling...hey we could make a fortune off her! if we can ever find her
* priest: why are you here? how do you get outside of this church? the parking meter's running on my Yugo.
parents: Father we are here because…
priest: you wish for Christ's consolation for your missing child.
parents: no, our child is obviously a spawn of Satan and we want to dunk her in a holy-water font or something.
priest: as long as you're hard-left it will be okay.
* cadet: i just want love
no you're just a cadet what do you know about it
cadet: cadets can care, too. i want love
but love is the Universe, love is just atoms, it's not a thing or substance, it's an essence that can never be taken ahold of.
cadet: o why must we be born? why must we catch a glimpse of the Infinite only to have it snatched away from us at death with a scratch before we have a chance to process it?
cos you couldn't process it if you were not human.
cadet: why are there wars?
humans are too stupid to divide the planet's resources fairly. wars are basically a way to avoid overpopulation.
cadet: will i ever find love? will i ever have sex?
sex is purely a biological thing, has nothing to do with emotion. it's a way to increase the chances of overpopulation.
cadet: marriage is just a human invention, right? we were never really meant to do that, right? life was supposed to be like the '60s forever, right man?
* i wish they used the music in the promo at the end of each episode, that haunting theme has bored into my head...
* this is gonna be a two-parter
* every time i see a drill sergeant i think back to how Goren made that show Law & Order: CI.
* reverse psychology, with a bit of mindreading tossed in at the end
* if humans could read minds there would be no wars. and no need for drill sergeants and maggots and yellow vests and psychological case studies of enemies and ourselves
* just because i shave my head and wear glasses doesn't mean i'm a nerd
* Drill Sergeant: who are you, a metamorphosed Kafka?
* Drill Sergeant: why you cryin'?
cadet: i cry whenever i think of maggots, jar of flies, Layne.
* cadet: three hots and a cot. like Cobain.
drill: don't let him see the whites of my eyes, cos that's where my soul shows.
cadet: you're scared you're gonna be found out. you're so insecure you drink your own pee when it comes so it doesn't get into your pants.
drill: i went to war when i was a baby...
cadet: wow that is fucked up. i forgive you, beat the hell outta me i'll understand. think of me as your Human Pincushion, your Human Therapy Doll. hey we're all freaks inside in the end.
* why does my soul mate have to be damaged like me?
* this really gets to the heart of my favorite comfort: scratching. well and spaghetti. scratching and spaghetti are my two comforts.
* i'm gonna start scratching even though it's bad for me. i'm gonna scratch till i grow a new skin, there will be blood everywhere but i will refuse medical service cos this is religion we're talking about. if Jesus can pull His heart out of His chest i can endure a few booboos without a mother's kiss.
* huh, i scratched the surface of myself and formed a new church...
* this is like those Goya Spanish architecture churches. deformed and gothic and free admission cos they're basically museums. and meant for Terminator robots to pray with their children.
* honey, why did you teach our child peek-a-boo?
i thought you did, you're the mother, i was busy drinking beer.
i'm worried sic (sic). i can't find her anywhere!
she's just playing a game with us...hey at least she doesn't get scared when she gets lost from us, she's giggling...hey we could make a fortune off her! if we can ever find her
* priest: why are you here? how do you get outside of this church? the parking meter's running on my Yugo.
parents: Father we are here because…
priest: you wish for Christ's consolation for your missing child.
parents: no, our child is obviously a spawn of Satan and we want to dunk her in a holy-water font or something.
priest: as long as you're hard-left it will be okay.
* cadet: i just want love
no you're just a cadet what do you know about it
cadet: cadets can care, too. i want love
but love is the Universe, love is just atoms, it's not a thing or substance, it's an essence that can never be taken ahold of.
cadet: o why must we be born? why must we catch a glimpse of the Infinite only to have it snatched away from us at death with a scratch before we have a chance to process it?
cos you couldn't process it if you were not human.
cadet: why are there wars?
humans are too stupid to divide the planet's resources fairly. wars are basically a way to avoid overpopulation.
cadet: will i ever find love? will i ever have sex?
sex is purely a biological thing, has nothing to do with emotion. it's a way to increase the chances of overpopulation.
cadet: marriage is just a human invention, right? we were never really meant to do that, right? life was supposed to be like the '60s forever, right man?
* i wish they used the music in the promo at the end of each episode, that haunting theme has bored into my head...
The Shivering Truth "The Nurple Rainbow"
notes:
* so this show is Serious Robot Chicken
* this show is trying for laughs but it won't be like Robot Chicken laughs...
* Claymation is the best (and creepiest) artform until that art style from Into the Spider-Verse came along. that is like some freaky new-human-and-pig-lifeform brand-new animated Claymation a hybrid the likes not seen since Venom himself.
* Beknownst is just another name for Faith
* Vernon Chatman is god to me (maybe that's a bad analogy here) but i actually think the voice of the narrator is a bit off. i'd love to chat with him. if it is indeed Vern talking, it doesn't quite fit the material, like it's too sportscaster-y to swim through this dark matter. if you're gonna get an investigative journalist reporter, get Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries from the grave. you gotta get, like, Elvira or Optimus Prime narrating this. well again Elvira would be too campy.
* i never got a purple nurple as a kid. never gave it a second thought, had no idea what they were. i count myself lucky. i guess my chest was too skinny for such measures.
* when the dumb guy turns out to be the smart guy
* pulled out two used long condoms that look like dirty socks. from our heads. we're roommates. and this is us contraceptioning.
* what is the point of the human finger? to touch the forehead of God? to vote? or to push buttons?
* why can't computers crunch the numbers by themselves and leave us to sleep-mode?
* we were all out of jobs before we are even born...there's nothing left to do...it was all done aeons ago...by the Universe...
* kind boss. realizes it's not the employee's fault, he is literally an airhead.
* it's not the giant bore into your skull, it's the koala living inside you. this is the purpose of human existence, to provide homes for koalas. the Koalan Afterlife is just gonna be a bunch of trees and rivers of coconut milk. see? there is a use for the hard scratchy hairy husk shell of a peanut, to play bowling with the koala with to distract it. it's not all about peanut butter you know.
* a little dated with the ISIS drop-the-mic jokes, aren't they gone? you chopped off my head and made me more powerful than you could ever imagine! I AM NOW METROID!!! Vern's influence, the good doctor David Eagleman, looks like a stand-up comic. why is your religion based on hate? cos you hatin'. cos if it was based on love it would be based.
* so that's what goes on in those tv focus groups. they're all in there focusing on the Circle Game hand of the executive's son's pants.
* at the end of the day, your perfect ideal sex partner is yourself. that's why masturbation is so popular.
* the complaints that there should be no comedy here, just nervous nihilism, are interesting and acceptable on paper but see, this is what life is: life is never all dark or all light, it's always a combination of tragedy and comedy. it's always tragicomic and always a black comedy, both at the same time, forever intertwined, inextricably ineffable and stirringly saudade.
* so this show is Serious Robot Chicken
* this show is trying for laughs but it won't be like Robot Chicken laughs...
* Claymation is the best (and creepiest) artform until that art style from Into the Spider-Verse came along. that is like some freaky new-human-and-pig-lifeform brand-new animated Claymation a hybrid the likes not seen since Venom himself.
* Beknownst is just another name for Faith
* Vernon Chatman is god to me (maybe that's a bad analogy here) but i actually think the voice of the narrator is a bit off. i'd love to chat with him. if it is indeed Vern talking, it doesn't quite fit the material, like it's too sportscaster-y to swim through this dark matter. if you're gonna get an investigative journalist reporter, get Robert Stack from Unsolved Mysteries from the grave. you gotta get, like, Elvira or Optimus Prime narrating this. well again Elvira would be too campy.
* i never got a purple nurple as a kid. never gave it a second thought, had no idea what they were. i count myself lucky. i guess my chest was too skinny for such measures.
* when the dumb guy turns out to be the smart guy
* pulled out two used long condoms that look like dirty socks. from our heads. we're roommates. and this is us contraceptioning.
* what is the point of the human finger? to touch the forehead of God? to vote? or to push buttons?
* why can't computers crunch the numbers by themselves and leave us to sleep-mode?
* we were all out of jobs before we are even born...there's nothing left to do...it was all done aeons ago...by the Universe...
* kind boss. realizes it's not the employee's fault, he is literally an airhead.
* it's not the giant bore into your skull, it's the koala living inside you. this is the purpose of human existence, to provide homes for koalas. the Koalan Afterlife is just gonna be a bunch of trees and rivers of coconut milk. see? there is a use for the hard scratchy hairy husk shell of a peanut, to play bowling with the koala with to distract it. it's not all about peanut butter you know.
* a little dated with the ISIS drop-the-mic jokes, aren't they gone? you chopped off my head and made me more powerful than you could ever imagine! I AM NOW METROID!!! Vern's influence, the good doctor David Eagleman, looks like a stand-up comic. why is your religion based on hate? cos you hatin'. cos if it was based on love it would be based.
* so that's what goes on in those tv focus groups. they're all in there focusing on the Circle Game hand of the executive's son's pants.
* at the end of the day, your perfect ideal sex partner is yourself. that's why masturbation is so popular.
* the complaints that there should be no comedy here, just nervous nihilism, are interesting and acceptable on paper but see, this is what life is: life is never all dark or all light, it's always a combination of tragedy and comedy. it's always tragicomic and always a black comedy, both at the same time, forever intertwined, inextricably ineffable and stirringly saudade.
Doctor Who "The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos"
notes:
* last time: everyone wanted the blind girl to be Ashildr but she was busy gotta be preparing for that last GOT season...
* last timer: the Solitract wanted to become the Fourth Companion...
* Jodie: oh come on, Chibs! how do you expect anyone to remember the name of this finale? your job was to make this episode memorable.
Chibnall: do not use the C word with me, missy!
Jodie: if Missy were here the ratings would have spiked. and i'd have my lesbian love interest.
Chibnall: i don't do the titles, the BBC does! i could have given loads better titles. like "Jesus On The Cross", "The Rock", or "Tim Shaw Returns". see? i'm a good writer.
* female cleric: we are two. like Sith and Lord Master. remember Alien?
apprentice cleric: no.
female cleric: shame. you millennials don't know what good British sci-fi is.
apprentice: oh yeah, is that the one where the crew member turns out to be a robot?
female cleric: SPOILERS, BOY!!! dammit! i hadn't seen it yet, thanks a lot!
apprentice cleric: i don't like this desert world we've been confined to and lived on forever.
female cleric: it's fine.
apprentice: for you and your complexion maybe. it's like waking up every morning in a jail cell for me.
* cleric: remember, son, our job is NOT to know things. the universe is far too complex to try to search it and find multilayered answers to the meaning of life in it.
apprentice: yes, mom. how am i your son again?
cleric: long complicated story, son.
apprentice: oh my god, Jesus has returned to us!
cleric: i'm noticing His teeth, people don't notice Jesus's teeth, that's not the first thing they notice about Him.
* Ryan: this planet's atmosphere is altering my perception of reality.
Graham: no that's your drugs, son.
* Graham: wait you had these neurobalancer thingees the whole time?
The Doctor: they help stabilize my migraine headaches. traveling with you lot is a pain in my shapely ass and perfect head. without the neurobalancer i'm just an ordinary posh English girl named Jodie Whittaker, no superpowers whatsoever.
Ryan tries his on. Yas, too.
Yas: so this is a Universal Alien Translator or something aye?
Doctor: nope, still can't understand what Ryan is saying.
Graham: mine translates Alien fine.
* Doctor: Chibs, instead of the neurobalancers you should have had them be my ear cuffs. everyone would be wearing my ear cuffs like fezzes and it would be cool. they'd sell out in stores for Christmas.
Chibnall: not now, bitch, i've got bigger problems! Brexitian problems!
* Doctor: ny name is Jodie. this is Yas, Ryan, and Graham.
Graham: why do you always introduce me last?
* Paltraki: my name is Paltraki, that's all i remember.
Doctor: suspicious. how bout you put away the gun. what is it with Englishmen and guns?
Paltraki: i can't. i was on GOT i mean this is a Lazer Tag gun and as such is like my third arm, cannot be removed, nostalgia is all i've got left.
Doctor: who are you?
Paltraki: Paltraki. who are you?
Doctor: very funny, it's been 10 episodes, man, come on. that's two hands.
* Andinio: it's the future so of course there are holograms. but I am not a hologram.
Paltraki: your name sounds like an herbal-tea supplement. how long was i asleep?
Andinio: 3000 years give or take. we had a few Jesuses in that time.
Tim Shaw: i am Darth Shaw! oh sorry Chibs, well this is my mask anyway. i can't breathe with it on, can i take it off now? it's like Kylo's but even more sparse.
* Jan Le: hi, i'm Umsang. obviously the writers are big fans of tech cos my name is basically just Samsung. did you know Samsung does ships, too? the ships caught on fire, too, and burned away at sea. i served no purpose for this story at all, you could have explained this without ever casting me as a character. the fact that i'm Asian is of no consequence, i am neither lucky nor rich but i am crazy in love with Jodie!
Doctor: dammit. Series 2 uh Season 12, Series One Two i'm getting a boo. i want my own fam!
Jan Le: i coulda been a guy. Jan is either Jan or Jan. is it January yet and the final episode?
* Doctor: oh these holiday boxes are so cute! see? this is the Christmas theme we were reaching for in the writers' room.
Graham: they're not a package from the Kerblam Man, Doc. no more of that, toots.
Doctor: they're like those miniaturized planets against their will by an evil laser and locked in amber from Superman.
Chibnall: see the metaphor? you are a superwoman, Jodie, representing all the female ladies of the Earth in this century who have to struggle balancing careers and kids, both k sounds. two ks not three. fame and family.
Doctor: fam.
* Graham: can i take you aside? i'm not gonna try anything.
Doctor: what.
Graham: i'm gonna kill him. don't let my silly low manner and Eastside cockney assuredness fool ye, underneath this grandfatherly trenchcoat sweater i am Bruce Willis from Die Hard!
Doctor: we play Die Hard on a loop at BBC America at Christams cos of the Harry Potter wizard.
Doctor: if you do this, you will suffer the severest of consequences.
Graham: i know, i'll be no better than him, i'll be a convicted criminal, i'll serve out the term of my natural life at that prison planet the Rosa Parks villain comes from. good should rise to the top like pub beer froth.
Doctor: no, you won't be able to travel with me anymore, that's the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a human.
Graham: this is where the narrative picked up and got some real dramatic juice. there was potential at this point. for something new and different. it was halftime...kinda went all downhill form here...
* Ryan: you'd be dishonoring Nan if you killed Tim Shaw. like Jack Bauer and that redhead agent ginger superhotmama with the freckles white girl he fucked.
Graham: if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a baby, would you take that chance?
Ryan: i'd at least wait till he was a punk youth. i turned off your gun just in case, converted it into a video-game gun.
* Doctor: what's with women and guns?
Andinio: i voted for my race. the two of us ran against each other.
Doctor: there are only two of you who ever lived?
Andinio: no, two of us at a time. not ever.
Doctor: oh you're not that special then. there is only One of me. Ux?
Chibnall: User Experience. thank you. *takes a bow*
* Doctor: let me speak to your god on your tv-on-a-string around your neck, where do you get one of those things? i missed Black Friday, working, do they come in flatscreen?
Andinio: this is my crystal. used not for frivolous yogic activity on Instagram.
Andinio: how do you know our God?
Doctor: i used to be him. or her. we had a brief affair but he was a biter in bed so i ended it. the skin on my kneecaps got so sore. from his biting them.
* Tim Shaw: Doctor, we meet again! well? how do you like me now? do i make enough money for you now that you'll consider me again?
Doctor: you're an alright bloke, that's it.
Tim Shaw: i brushed my teeth for you! now i'm gonna attack your family.
Doctor: fam.
Tim Shaw: i'm like that Dalek Queen King but i don't have much of an army. still got my wires crossed tho.
* Ryan: i love you.
Graham: what? i'm hard of hearing, i'm old.
Ryan: okay just one kiss on the lips but that's it.
* Tim Shaw: go ahead weakling, make my day, shoot me in the face.
Graham: i bet that's what the Doctor told you to do to her. just answer me this, Tim Shaw, have you ever had dreams of running the 100-yard-dash in the Olympics?
Tim Shaw: yes i have.
Graham: that's all i wanted to hear...
* Tim Shaw: ow! hot foot hot foot!
Graham: you knew i wasn't really gonna do it. i was cop in a former life but i mostly did paperwork behind a desk. i'm not Rambo.
Ryan: I have the arms for Rambo. and the hands.
Tim Shaw: thank you, that shot cleared up my athlete's foot. no more messy powder.
* Graham: can we at least keep the Aquaman-looking guy in amber? remember Jurassic Park? what if these people are being used for experiments which will benefit all mankind? Ryan, we look so badass cool walking away in slomo from the explosion we caused!
Ryan: except there is no explosion and these guns are plastic.
* Graham: what do we do now?
Ryan: fist bump.
Graham: why do you want to punch me after all we've been through? where are the Doctor's bombs? use them on the doors.
Ryan: hey these are bath bombs!
Yas: how'd you know they were bath bombs, Ryan?
Doctor: hey give a girl a break. i'm still loving being a girl for the first time!
* Doctor: i'm sorry but your entire existence as a species is a lie. that's what i tell all the planets i travel to, that's my job, to bring them the Bad News. i'm like the Anti-Jesus.
Andinio and Delph: who's Jesus?
Doctor: me before the Regeneration. now get up on that Cross, Delph, like Jesus. like a Southern Baptist church along the Nawlins Delta.
Andinio: Delph, just pretend the universe is a big ball of dough and your sharp braids are the cookie-cutter.
* Doctor: nice. the Earth is blue and green again and Morgan Freeman is our President.
* Graham: as you rot in prison for eternity and your natural life sentence, remember the name...
Ryan: ...Nan.
Graham: ...Grace. or Nan, whatevs.
Tim Shaw: i will keep the name on my toothy lips. do even I deserve grace?
Graham: that's the sort of existential philosophical sticky wicket we won't delve into here, maybe in the New Year's Special.
Tim Shaw: i like hardened caramel so i'm golden here.
* Doctor: i'm proud of you, Graham.
Graham: i don't believe in capital punishment. so i didn't vote for Brexit.
* Delph: so, Ryan, i am obviously your dad and we need to talk...
Ryan: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………
* Doctor: you guys at home can finally read everything that's on the Police Box door. happy?
Andinio: so is there a God or what?
Doctor: the Universe is constantly changing so the answer always changes. God is here one moment but then the Universe changes again. by the time you see me again, i'll be a different person. probably go back to being a man. i'd ask you in but i used up all the custard last night...
* Jodie: what about the Timeless Child?
Chibnall: *looks at watch* no time! don't be a child! it will all be explained in the New Year's Special. which i'm writing right now. time's running out for me...
* last time: everyone wanted the blind girl to be Ashildr but she was busy gotta be preparing for that last GOT season...
* last timer: the Solitract wanted to become the Fourth Companion...
* Jodie: oh come on, Chibs! how do you expect anyone to remember the name of this finale? your job was to make this episode memorable.
Chibnall: do not use the C word with me, missy!
Jodie: if Missy were here the ratings would have spiked. and i'd have my lesbian love interest.
Chibnall: i don't do the titles, the BBC does! i could have given loads better titles. like "Jesus On The Cross", "The Rock", or "Tim Shaw Returns". see? i'm a good writer.
* female cleric: we are two. like Sith and Lord Master. remember Alien?
apprentice cleric: no.
female cleric: shame. you millennials don't know what good British sci-fi is.
apprentice: oh yeah, is that the one where the crew member turns out to be a robot?
female cleric: SPOILERS, BOY!!! dammit! i hadn't seen it yet, thanks a lot!
apprentice cleric: i don't like this desert world we've been confined to and lived on forever.
female cleric: it's fine.
apprentice: for you and your complexion maybe. it's like waking up every morning in a jail cell for me.
* cleric: remember, son, our job is NOT to know things. the universe is far too complex to try to search it and find multilayered answers to the meaning of life in it.
apprentice: yes, mom. how am i your son again?
cleric: long complicated story, son.
apprentice: oh my god, Jesus has returned to us!
cleric: i'm noticing His teeth, people don't notice Jesus's teeth, that's not the first thing they notice about Him.
* Ryan: this planet's atmosphere is altering my perception of reality.
Graham: no that's your drugs, son.
* Graham: wait you had these neurobalancer thingees the whole time?
The Doctor: they help stabilize my migraine headaches. traveling with you lot is a pain in my shapely ass and perfect head. without the neurobalancer i'm just an ordinary posh English girl named Jodie Whittaker, no superpowers whatsoever.
Ryan tries his on. Yas, too.
Yas: so this is a Universal Alien Translator or something aye?
Doctor: nope, still can't understand what Ryan is saying.
Graham: mine translates Alien fine.
* Doctor: Chibs, instead of the neurobalancers you should have had them be my ear cuffs. everyone would be wearing my ear cuffs like fezzes and it would be cool. they'd sell out in stores for Christmas.
Chibnall: not now, bitch, i've got bigger problems! Brexitian problems!
* Doctor: ny name is Jodie. this is Yas, Ryan, and Graham.
Graham: why do you always introduce me last?
* Paltraki: my name is Paltraki, that's all i remember.
Doctor: suspicious. how bout you put away the gun. what is it with Englishmen and guns?
Paltraki: i can't. i was on GOT i mean this is a Lazer Tag gun and as such is like my third arm, cannot be removed, nostalgia is all i've got left.
Doctor: who are you?
Paltraki: Paltraki. who are you?
Doctor: very funny, it's been 10 episodes, man, come on. that's two hands.
* Andinio: it's the future so of course there are holograms. but I am not a hologram.
Paltraki: your name sounds like an herbal-tea supplement. how long was i asleep?
Andinio: 3000 years give or take. we had a few Jesuses in that time.
Tim Shaw: i am Darth Shaw! oh sorry Chibs, well this is my mask anyway. i can't breathe with it on, can i take it off now? it's like Kylo's but even more sparse.
* Jan Le: hi, i'm Umsang. obviously the writers are big fans of tech cos my name is basically just Samsung. did you know Samsung does ships, too? the ships caught on fire, too, and burned away at sea. i served no purpose for this story at all, you could have explained this without ever casting me as a character. the fact that i'm Asian is of no consequence, i am neither lucky nor rich but i am crazy in love with Jodie!
Doctor: dammit. Series 2 uh Season 12, Series One Two i'm getting a boo. i want my own fam!
Jan Le: i coulda been a guy. Jan is either Jan or Jan. is it January yet and the final episode?
* Doctor: oh these holiday boxes are so cute! see? this is the Christmas theme we were reaching for in the writers' room.
Graham: they're not a package from the Kerblam Man, Doc. no more of that, toots.
Doctor: they're like those miniaturized planets against their will by an evil laser and locked in amber from Superman.
Chibnall: see the metaphor? you are a superwoman, Jodie, representing all the female ladies of the Earth in this century who have to struggle balancing careers and kids, both k sounds. two ks not three. fame and family.
Doctor: fam.
* Graham: can i take you aside? i'm not gonna try anything.
Doctor: what.
Graham: i'm gonna kill him. don't let my silly low manner and Eastside cockney assuredness fool ye, underneath this grandfatherly trenchcoat sweater i am Bruce Willis from Die Hard!
Doctor: we play Die Hard on a loop at BBC America at Christams cos of the Harry Potter wizard.
Doctor: if you do this, you will suffer the severest of consequences.
Graham: i know, i'll be no better than him, i'll be a convicted criminal, i'll serve out the term of my natural life at that prison planet the Rosa Parks villain comes from. good should rise to the top like pub beer froth.
Doctor: no, you won't be able to travel with me anymore, that's the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a human.
Graham: this is where the narrative picked up and got some real dramatic juice. there was potential at this point. for something new and different. it was halftime...kinda went all downhill form here...
* Ryan: you'd be dishonoring Nan if you killed Tim Shaw. like Jack Bauer and that redhead agent ginger superhotmama with the freckles white girl he fucked.
Graham: if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a baby, would you take that chance?
Ryan: i'd at least wait till he was a punk youth. i turned off your gun just in case, converted it into a video-game gun.
* Doctor: what's with women and guns?
Andinio: i voted for my race. the two of us ran against each other.
Doctor: there are only two of you who ever lived?
Andinio: no, two of us at a time. not ever.
Doctor: oh you're not that special then. there is only One of me. Ux?
Chibnall: User Experience. thank you. *takes a bow*
* Doctor: let me speak to your god on your tv-on-a-string around your neck, where do you get one of those things? i missed Black Friday, working, do they come in flatscreen?
Andinio: this is my crystal. used not for frivolous yogic activity on Instagram.
Andinio: how do you know our God?
Doctor: i used to be him. or her. we had a brief affair but he was a biter in bed so i ended it. the skin on my kneecaps got so sore. from his biting them.
* Tim Shaw: Doctor, we meet again! well? how do you like me now? do i make enough money for you now that you'll consider me again?
Doctor: you're an alright bloke, that's it.
Tim Shaw: i brushed my teeth for you! now i'm gonna attack your family.
Doctor: fam.
Tim Shaw: i'm like that Dalek Queen King but i don't have much of an army. still got my wires crossed tho.
* Ryan: i love you.
Graham: what? i'm hard of hearing, i'm old.
Ryan: okay just one kiss on the lips but that's it.
* Tim Shaw: go ahead weakling, make my day, shoot me in the face.
Graham: i bet that's what the Doctor told you to do to her. just answer me this, Tim Shaw, have you ever had dreams of running the 100-yard-dash in the Olympics?
Tim Shaw: yes i have.
Graham: that's all i wanted to hear...
* Tim Shaw: ow! hot foot hot foot!
Graham: you knew i wasn't really gonna do it. i was cop in a former life but i mostly did paperwork behind a desk. i'm not Rambo.
Ryan: I have the arms for Rambo. and the hands.
Tim Shaw: thank you, that shot cleared up my athlete's foot. no more messy powder.
* Graham: can we at least keep the Aquaman-looking guy in amber? remember Jurassic Park? what if these people are being used for experiments which will benefit all mankind? Ryan, we look so badass cool walking away in slomo from the explosion we caused!
Ryan: except there is no explosion and these guns are plastic.
* Graham: what do we do now?
Ryan: fist bump.
Graham: why do you want to punch me after all we've been through? where are the Doctor's bombs? use them on the doors.
Ryan: hey these are bath bombs!
Yas: how'd you know they were bath bombs, Ryan?
Doctor: hey give a girl a break. i'm still loving being a girl for the first time!
* Doctor: i'm sorry but your entire existence as a species is a lie. that's what i tell all the planets i travel to, that's my job, to bring them the Bad News. i'm like the Anti-Jesus.
Andinio and Delph: who's Jesus?
Doctor: me before the Regeneration. now get up on that Cross, Delph, like Jesus. like a Southern Baptist church along the Nawlins Delta.
Andinio: Delph, just pretend the universe is a big ball of dough and your sharp braids are the cookie-cutter.
* Doctor: nice. the Earth is blue and green again and Morgan Freeman is our President.
* Graham: as you rot in prison for eternity and your natural life sentence, remember the name...
Ryan: ...Nan.
Graham: ...Grace. or Nan, whatevs.
Tim Shaw: i will keep the name on my toothy lips. do even I deserve grace?
Graham: that's the sort of existential philosophical sticky wicket we won't delve into here, maybe in the New Year's Special.
Tim Shaw: i like hardened caramel so i'm golden here.
* Doctor: i'm proud of you, Graham.
Graham: i don't believe in capital punishment. so i didn't vote for Brexit.
* Delph: so, Ryan, i am obviously your dad and we need to talk...
Ryan: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………
* Doctor: you guys at home can finally read everything that's on the Police Box door. happy?
Andinio: so is there a God or what?
Doctor: the Universe is constantly changing so the answer always changes. God is here one moment but then the Universe changes again. by the time you see me again, i'll be a different person. probably go back to being a man. i'd ask you in but i used up all the custard last night...
* Jodie: what about the Timeless Child?
Chibnall: *looks at watch* no time! don't be a child! it will all be explained in the New Year's Special. which i'm writing right now. time's running out for me...
Monday, December 3, 2018
Doctor Who "It Takes You Away"
notes:
* last time: this is how Capaldi should have Regenerated into Jodie: have him become a woman for the first time right as she's being attached to the ducking cucking stool. talk about jumping right into it! the hard eduction of being a woman in this world!
* it takes you away: already a stilted title. but i'm not gonna make assumptions the way Ryan did this episode.
* i know i'm a stickler for titles but i just LOVE titles, i love titles of books more than the books. humble replacements: "The Fucking Fulfords in Fjords" "The Neverending Nuances of Norway Neversee" "Live-Action Hypnotoad" "Solitract Is Not The Name of a Fitbit" "Deadbeat Dad: Now That's A New Excuse!"
* The Doctor: i love eating strange berries.
Yas: don't i know it, you did a number on mine.
Ryan: those weren't berries, those were Slenderman's balls...
Doctor: i'm incapable of being poisoned. only by racist tweets.
Yas: cabin in the woods?
Doctor: please, we're gonna run the gamut before we're through.
Graham: fucking Log Cabin Brexiters.
* Doctor: the atmosphere is peak.
Ryan: Peak District.
Doctor: the fog is thick like peas, the lake shivering like the truth, it's always overcast even when it's daytime…
Graham: so it's Alaska after the Little Big One Quake?
Doctor: Northern Exposure really shook tv. why did they show only Palin's room's damage? she's not the only person who lives in Alaska. you know why they name them fjords?
Yas: cos
Doctor: cos they were bored. bored fjords. originally you weren't supposed to be able to escape from a fjord. like now. the trees here are so verdant and tall and dark brown and Twilight.
Graham: you know trees and dark German faerie-tale forests existed before Twilight.
Chibnall: millennial audience, Graham, remember? we're down to 5 million…
Doctor: i'm uncomfortable calling you Chibo now that i'm in a higher position than you.
* Doctor: yeah so this door has three locked padlocks so let's do this, let's break in!
Graham: oh, so THAT's what that sonic is for, it's a thief's tool! a sledgehammer, pick, do my backpocket, Doc, i dare ya. i thought it was some sex thing. and now this has become the Collyer Brothers...only i get that reference…
Doctor: this has become Wizard of Oz.
* Hanne: and her sisters. wish i had sisters. i'm of course an only child cos this is a horror story.
Doctor: trust us, i'm pretty, you're just gonna have to trust me on that.
Ryan: where's your dad? haha just kidding, i know your dad abandoned you. all dads eventually leave their families to hook up with their kid's teenage artschool teacher.
Hanne: fuck you! i do art! and my art is better than Banksy's!
Doctor: mine?
Graham: all art is better than Banksy's. Banksy is more of a concept than an artist.
* Ryan: you're good with people, i'm rubbish with them. must be my hand.
Yas: on-the-job training, as a cop i've nailed many many many people to the wall, you learn how to talk to them real quick. and one many may named Theresa. she didn't really get the job, right? she was just voted in. ha! you got scared when the jack-o-lantern sprung up!
Ryan: in Norway, dusty puppets are a lifestyle…
Chibnall: guys, we just got canceled!
Yas: seriously?
Chibnall: in Norway.
* Doctor: and now, this has become Ingmar Bergman's last unfinished film.
Graham: oh yeah, the Wind film. Ingmar Bergman once called Orson Welles fat and Orson rejoindered back by calling Ingmar skinny, they ate strawberries at Ingmar's island but no cream.
Doctor: WHY!? NO!! CAN'T BE!!! there cannot be a mirror in this universe or any other universe that's blank in which i cannot see the reflection of my beauty! i will solve this, Hanne, for YOU!
Graham: you're just gonna go right through the damn mirror? are you a nutter? you could die, you have NO idea what's out there!
Doctor: well i kinda do but yeah i'm reckless and fun like that. it's probably some other dimension or something like this has become The Twilight Zone.
* Hanne: why are you such a bastard to me?
Ryan: just explain it to me one more time: you're a brilliant actress who isn't really blind, right?
Doctor: Ryan, look at me...sorry, Hanne, that was insensitive. look at what i'm writing on the wood wall.
Graham: what is it with you and writing on walls? you love injuring property innit?
Doctor: the blueprints...
Hanne: you're lying to me, the lot o ya! those letters aren't blue!!! you're saying my dad is dead and throw me in an orphanage!
Ryan: see? you ARE acting! and you're acting like a little git.
* Ryan: why do you hate me so much?
Hanne: it's not a racial thing.
Ryan: what the fuck? why did your dad trap you and box you in from the world with speakers like this!?
Hanne: oh he REALLY likes Halloween. all of us in foggy misty Norway, it's like our national holiday, tailormade.
Ryan: he was just trying to protect you. you only have one dad.
Hanne: but he listens to Slayer backwards, backmasking it to see if Satan speaks to him.
Doctor: no more Satan this season, kay? can't take it.
Ryan: your dad should have gotten you wifi.
Hanne: but Norway is such a beautiful place with wonders of nature!
Ryan: trust me, going outside is overrated.
* Ribbons: i'm Ribbons, i'm always hungry for pussy, i have seven stomachs.
Graham: i like you, mate, you're a pre-MeToo villain.
Ribbons: i'm so disgusting to look at you forget the disgusting things i say.
Doctor: and now this episode has become Old Gregg.
Ribbons: yeah, when pee becomes wee, that's a dead giveaway.
Ryan: i'd give you my shoe for the Baileys but i need it for my hand. Baileys, like McDonalds, the s is not 's.
Ribbons: i live in the Antizone cos i'm antiauthoritarian, only place that'll have me.
Doctor: Flesh Moths?
Yas: we would have been scared of these big buggers but we had the Giant Spider episode before this one.
Graham: yeah, i like black honey.
Ryan: ew. preserve the memory of Nan. not your jelly preserves.
* Ribbons: i'm getting swarmed to death by these Flesh Moths, but it's pleasurable, they're "flesh" cos they're naked. i jack off to these moths every night in the cave and this finally is my real reward, i need no card. i'll be okay, death is no big deal. that's why my name was Ribbons, i was cut to ribbons, now you know retroactively.
Graham: mate you were a Star Trek: TNG reject. smile for the cameras, sunshine.
Ribbons: only (now) on BBC America!
Graham: i took you down! remember i used to be a cop. did a lot of running in caves. i'm a better cop than Yasmin will ever be!
* Doctor: oi mate! fooking slacker dad!
dad: hey i'm a musician, can't you tell from my scruffy beard?
Doctor: bitch you got mirror-married!!?
dad: no this is Trine, my dead wife and Hanne's dead mother.
Trine: i know i'm dead. but i am alive. i'm like the Julia Roberts of Norwegian soap operas aren't i. i'm huge here and unknown in the rest of the globe.
Ryan: you've got your priorities screwed, mate! you've already thought of your penis, that's how you made Hanne! you've got a daughter back home, she went blind when you masturbated!
* Doctor: and now this show is Black Mirror.
Graham: Grace, is that really you?
Grace: fuck this, even in the afterlife i still can't escape doing laundry! white sheets flowing in the wind on a line outside smelling like Tide Pods, this is so undignified.
Graham: how can this be? it must be a trick.
Doctor: life is one big trick. how do we know this reality we're living in now isn't some holographic trick? are we real simply because we THINK we're real? God is a bloody prankster!
Grace: dimension, death, all i know is that i'm real.
Chibnall: i can confirm this, the actress playing Grace is the same one we've used...
* Grace: i feel real. i touch real. i think real. isn't a life simply the collection of memories? i remember everything. i like turtles i mean frogs.
Graham: a-HA! Grace would NEVER look at youtube!
Grace: Frogger was my favorite arcade game.
Graham: i also quite liked the Frogger we played in the bedroom.
Grace: did you ever catch that guy who murdered me? Stenza or something?
Graham: um yeah, still working on that, he'll probably appear in the Christmas episode or the Children In Need Rednose Special some such shit. we're having too much fun with the other characters.
Grace: so i'm not a priority. even though i delivered Priority Mail.
Graham: i met Rosa Parks!
Grace: was she hotter than me?
* Hanne: you're not my mommy! you're just some tart who got her talons into my daddy's money!
dad: once again, i'm a musician, a reddit musician…
Doctor: that's where the blindness angle comes in, only super-sensitive blind girl can REALLY know the smell of her real mother.
Hanne: they said i'd be auditioning for SpiderGwen. another lie.
* Yas: you had a Nan Gran, too?
Chibnall: i decree that EVERY character has a nan. or gran, cos i had one.
Doctor: i had five grans. my parents were swingers in the '70s. so the Solitract…
Yas: i don't exercise, don't need to. can't you see my fit bum in these jeans?
* Doctor: let us go!
Solitract: we are an Alternate Sentient Universe, isn't that cool? we want attention, too! like the so-called "real world".
Doctor: so you're an Instagram-obsessed 12-year-old girl into MTV? see? we hate men and women equally on this show.
Solitract: we will fight you! with our palms! but not, like, karate chops. we'll push you but no shoving, it's like an all-air pump-action thing and you fall down on the other side of the mirror gently.
* Doctor: Hanne's dad, your marriage is hereby annulled by me cos your officiant was a frog!
dad: yes but isn't your officiant license from the internet, too?
Doctor: i'm God, bitch! God Themselves!
* Graham: this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make.
Doctor: leaving Grace?
Graham: no, doing this show. i should have done Coronation Street instead.
* Doctor: well here we are. just the two of us.
the frog starts singing "Torn Between Two Lovers..."
Doctor: wha? who's the other bitch you're cheating on me with!? i'm God so i don't get jealous but still i'm all-knowing so i'd like to know.
frog: The Third Doctor.
Doctor: i'm just the Third Doctor with my polarity reversed. why is Heaven always depicted with white clouds and a bare archway like this?
frog: this isn't Heaven, it's just another room. remember when you licked my bumpy forehead at the wrap party? thought it was a bag of crisps?
Doctor: i'm feeling like a fool. life is only a trip. this is a meditation on death. so there's no afterlife, it's all just another dimension. and when someone dies, it's like leaving an entire universe that will never be explored, a space with grand feelings and grand thoughts you'll never know, never learn about and from. cos that's the way the life/death thing works, you can never know while you're alive.
frog: did you say something? it got so boring so i stopped listening. you were dying on me, Doc. did you know i was Kermit The Frog's original design?
Doctor: i'll miss you. you're a metaphor for how i haven't found my prince, my man yet, haven't married yet. it sucks being a woman, so much societal pressure.
* dad: so i guess we'll go to Oslo. that's where they make Olympic gold medals under the table.
Hanne: wait, Ryan! don't go before i give you a big hug! wow, you're muscular, didn't notice before.
Ryan: give it five years, kid...
* Ryan: why you cryin', old man? you crying hard.
Graham: i lost her again. Nan.
Ryan: i've already forgotten about Nan, that's what the psychiatrists say to do, right? to heal?
Graham: there's one thing i never got a chance to do with Nan. so you're gonna have to fill in for her in her stead. kiss me, Ryan.
Ryan: bro i was about to call you Grandpa but not now! not ever! you lost your chance! next time i call you Gran it means you owe me a thou in pounds for the cover charge to the gaming tournament! video games were cheap in your day. i am Miles Morales the cop's son but you are no cop! my hands are in the perfect positions for thwipping web fluid.
Graham: i'm your Dirty Grandpa, son, give me your cheek.
Doctor: "Love Is Blind" is another one...
* last time: this is how Capaldi should have Regenerated into Jodie: have him become a woman for the first time right as she's being attached to the ducking cucking stool. talk about jumping right into it! the hard eduction of being a woman in this world!
* it takes you away: already a stilted title. but i'm not gonna make assumptions the way Ryan did this episode.
* i know i'm a stickler for titles but i just LOVE titles, i love titles of books more than the books. humble replacements: "The Fucking Fulfords in Fjords" "The Neverending Nuances of Norway Neversee" "Live-Action Hypnotoad" "Solitract Is Not The Name of a Fitbit" "Deadbeat Dad: Now That's A New Excuse!"
* The Doctor: i love eating strange berries.
Yas: don't i know it, you did a number on mine.
Ryan: those weren't berries, those were Slenderman's balls...
Doctor: i'm incapable of being poisoned. only by racist tweets.
Yas: cabin in the woods?
Doctor: please, we're gonna run the gamut before we're through.
Graham: fucking Log Cabin Brexiters.
* Doctor: the atmosphere is peak.
Ryan: Peak District.
Doctor: the fog is thick like peas, the lake shivering like the truth, it's always overcast even when it's daytime…
Graham: so it's Alaska after the Little Big One Quake?
Doctor: Northern Exposure really shook tv. why did they show only Palin's room's damage? she's not the only person who lives in Alaska. you know why they name them fjords?
Yas: cos
Doctor: cos they were bored. bored fjords. originally you weren't supposed to be able to escape from a fjord. like now. the trees here are so verdant and tall and dark brown and Twilight.
Graham: you know trees and dark German faerie-tale forests existed before Twilight.
Chibnall: millennial audience, Graham, remember? we're down to 5 million…
Doctor: i'm uncomfortable calling you Chibo now that i'm in a higher position than you.
* Doctor: yeah so this door has three locked padlocks so let's do this, let's break in!
Graham: oh, so THAT's what that sonic is for, it's a thief's tool! a sledgehammer, pick, do my backpocket, Doc, i dare ya. i thought it was some sex thing. and now this has become the Collyer Brothers...only i get that reference…
Doctor: this has become Wizard of Oz.
* Hanne: and her sisters. wish i had sisters. i'm of course an only child cos this is a horror story.
Doctor: trust us, i'm pretty, you're just gonna have to trust me on that.
Ryan: where's your dad? haha just kidding, i know your dad abandoned you. all dads eventually leave their families to hook up with their kid's teenage artschool teacher.
Hanne: fuck you! i do art! and my art is better than Banksy's!
Doctor: mine?
Graham: all art is better than Banksy's. Banksy is more of a concept than an artist.
* Ryan: you're good with people, i'm rubbish with them. must be my hand.
Yas: on-the-job training, as a cop i've nailed many many many people to the wall, you learn how to talk to them real quick. and one many may named Theresa. she didn't really get the job, right? she was just voted in. ha! you got scared when the jack-o-lantern sprung up!
Ryan: in Norway, dusty puppets are a lifestyle…
Chibnall: guys, we just got canceled!
Yas: seriously?
Chibnall: in Norway.
* Doctor: and now, this has become Ingmar Bergman's last unfinished film.
Graham: oh yeah, the Wind film. Ingmar Bergman once called Orson Welles fat and Orson rejoindered back by calling Ingmar skinny, they ate strawberries at Ingmar's island but no cream.
Doctor: WHY!? NO!! CAN'T BE!!! there cannot be a mirror in this universe or any other universe that's blank in which i cannot see the reflection of my beauty! i will solve this, Hanne, for YOU!
Graham: you're just gonna go right through the damn mirror? are you a nutter? you could die, you have NO idea what's out there!
Doctor: well i kinda do but yeah i'm reckless and fun like that. it's probably some other dimension or something like this has become The Twilight Zone.
* Hanne: why are you such a bastard to me?
Ryan: just explain it to me one more time: you're a brilliant actress who isn't really blind, right?
Doctor: Ryan, look at me...sorry, Hanne, that was insensitive. look at what i'm writing on the wood wall.
Graham: what is it with you and writing on walls? you love injuring property innit?
Doctor: the blueprints...
Hanne: you're lying to me, the lot o ya! those letters aren't blue!!! you're saying my dad is dead and throw me in an orphanage!
Ryan: see? you ARE acting! and you're acting like a little git.
* Ryan: why do you hate me so much?
Hanne: it's not a racial thing.
Ryan: what the fuck? why did your dad trap you and box you in from the world with speakers like this!?
Hanne: oh he REALLY likes Halloween. all of us in foggy misty Norway, it's like our national holiday, tailormade.
Ryan: he was just trying to protect you. you only have one dad.
Hanne: but he listens to Slayer backwards, backmasking it to see if Satan speaks to him.
Doctor: no more Satan this season, kay? can't take it.
Ryan: your dad should have gotten you wifi.
Hanne: but Norway is such a beautiful place with wonders of nature!
Ryan: trust me, going outside is overrated.
* Ribbons: i'm Ribbons, i'm always hungry for pussy, i have seven stomachs.
Graham: i like you, mate, you're a pre-MeToo villain.
Ribbons: i'm so disgusting to look at you forget the disgusting things i say.
Doctor: and now this episode has become Old Gregg.
Ribbons: yeah, when pee becomes wee, that's a dead giveaway.
Ryan: i'd give you my shoe for the Baileys but i need it for my hand. Baileys, like McDonalds, the s is not 's.
Ribbons: i live in the Antizone cos i'm antiauthoritarian, only place that'll have me.
Doctor: Flesh Moths?
Yas: we would have been scared of these big buggers but we had the Giant Spider episode before this one.
Graham: yeah, i like black honey.
Ryan: ew. preserve the memory of Nan. not your jelly preserves.
* Ribbons: i'm getting swarmed to death by these Flesh Moths, but it's pleasurable, they're "flesh" cos they're naked. i jack off to these moths every night in the cave and this finally is my real reward, i need no card. i'll be okay, death is no big deal. that's why my name was Ribbons, i was cut to ribbons, now you know retroactively.
Graham: mate you were a Star Trek: TNG reject. smile for the cameras, sunshine.
Ribbons: only (now) on BBC America!
Graham: i took you down! remember i used to be a cop. did a lot of running in caves. i'm a better cop than Yasmin will ever be!
* Doctor: oi mate! fooking slacker dad!
dad: hey i'm a musician, can't you tell from my scruffy beard?
Doctor: bitch you got mirror-married!!?
dad: no this is Trine, my dead wife and Hanne's dead mother.
Trine: i know i'm dead. but i am alive. i'm like the Julia Roberts of Norwegian soap operas aren't i. i'm huge here and unknown in the rest of the globe.
Ryan: you've got your priorities screwed, mate! you've already thought of your penis, that's how you made Hanne! you've got a daughter back home, she went blind when you masturbated!
* Doctor: and now this show is Black Mirror.
Graham: Grace, is that really you?
Grace: fuck this, even in the afterlife i still can't escape doing laundry! white sheets flowing in the wind on a line outside smelling like Tide Pods, this is so undignified.
Graham: how can this be? it must be a trick.
Doctor: life is one big trick. how do we know this reality we're living in now isn't some holographic trick? are we real simply because we THINK we're real? God is a bloody prankster!
Grace: dimension, death, all i know is that i'm real.
Chibnall: i can confirm this, the actress playing Grace is the same one we've used...
* Grace: i feel real. i touch real. i think real. isn't a life simply the collection of memories? i remember everything. i like turtles i mean frogs.
Graham: a-HA! Grace would NEVER look at youtube!
Grace: Frogger was my favorite arcade game.
Graham: i also quite liked the Frogger we played in the bedroom.
Grace: did you ever catch that guy who murdered me? Stenza or something?
Graham: um yeah, still working on that, he'll probably appear in the Christmas episode or the Children In Need Rednose Special some such shit. we're having too much fun with the other characters.
Grace: so i'm not a priority. even though i delivered Priority Mail.
Graham: i met Rosa Parks!
Grace: was she hotter than me?
* Hanne: you're not my mommy! you're just some tart who got her talons into my daddy's money!
dad: once again, i'm a musician, a reddit musician…
Doctor: that's where the blindness angle comes in, only super-sensitive blind girl can REALLY know the smell of her real mother.
Hanne: they said i'd be auditioning for SpiderGwen. another lie.
* Yas: you had a Nan Gran, too?
Chibnall: i decree that EVERY character has a nan. or gran, cos i had one.
Doctor: i had five grans. my parents were swingers in the '70s. so the Solitract…
Yas: i don't exercise, don't need to. can't you see my fit bum in these jeans?
* Doctor: let us go!
Solitract: we are an Alternate Sentient Universe, isn't that cool? we want attention, too! like the so-called "real world".
Doctor: so you're an Instagram-obsessed 12-year-old girl into MTV? see? we hate men and women equally on this show.
Solitract: we will fight you! with our palms! but not, like, karate chops. we'll push you but no shoving, it's like an all-air pump-action thing and you fall down on the other side of the mirror gently.
* Doctor: Hanne's dad, your marriage is hereby annulled by me cos your officiant was a frog!
dad: yes but isn't your officiant license from the internet, too?
Doctor: i'm God, bitch! God Themselves!
* Graham: this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make.
Doctor: leaving Grace?
Graham: no, doing this show. i should have done Coronation Street instead.
* Doctor: well here we are. just the two of us.
the frog starts singing "Torn Between Two Lovers..."
Doctor: wha? who's the other bitch you're cheating on me with!? i'm God so i don't get jealous but still i'm all-knowing so i'd like to know.
frog: The Third Doctor.
Doctor: i'm just the Third Doctor with my polarity reversed. why is Heaven always depicted with white clouds and a bare archway like this?
frog: this isn't Heaven, it's just another room. remember when you licked my bumpy forehead at the wrap party? thought it was a bag of crisps?
Doctor: i'm feeling like a fool. life is only a trip. this is a meditation on death. so there's no afterlife, it's all just another dimension. and when someone dies, it's like leaving an entire universe that will never be explored, a space with grand feelings and grand thoughts you'll never know, never learn about and from. cos that's the way the life/death thing works, you can never know while you're alive.
frog: did you say something? it got so boring so i stopped listening. you were dying on me, Doc. did you know i was Kermit The Frog's original design?
Doctor: i'll miss you. you're a metaphor for how i haven't found my prince, my man yet, haven't married yet. it sucks being a woman, so much societal pressure.
* dad: so i guess we'll go to Oslo. that's where they make Olympic gold medals under the table.
Hanne: wait, Ryan! don't go before i give you a big hug! wow, you're muscular, didn't notice before.
Ryan: give it five years, kid...
* Ryan: why you cryin', old man? you crying hard.
Graham: i lost her again. Nan.
Ryan: i've already forgotten about Nan, that's what the psychiatrists say to do, right? to heal?
Graham: there's one thing i never got a chance to do with Nan. so you're gonna have to fill in for her in her stead. kiss me, Ryan.
Ryan: bro i was about to call you Grandpa but not now! not ever! you lost your chance! next time i call you Gran it means you owe me a thou in pounds for the cover charge to the gaming tournament! video games were cheap in your day. i am Miles Morales the cop's son but you are no cop! my hands are in the perfect positions for thwipping web fluid.
Graham: i'm your Dirty Grandpa, son, give me your cheek.
Doctor: "Love Is Blind" is another one...
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "The Poisy Show"
notes:
* Sledge: come on, Chip Lynne, "Sledge's Last Christmas" would have been a great title.
Madame Odius: *singing* let's hear it for the girls! *do do do do do* get 'em, Poi! get 'em, girl!
Poisy: you my ride-or-die bitch, Odius, i love you like a sister from another mister.
Odius: that is how we both formed and were born. and i am still dead.
Sledge: how about "Blast Christmas"?
Chip: that Sonic thing already took it.
* Chip: what the fuck? why does the wikipedia entry have a rumor instead of the actual byline?
* Sledge: didn't this spaceship get blown up already?
Wrench: tv never dies, sir, it just repeats.
Sledge: don't open your eyes yet, sweetums!
Poisandra: oooh babe, you know how much i love being tied up and blindfolded!
* Poisy: burnt-out tv studio?
Sledge: yeah it's like Regis and Kathie Lee.
Poisy: i'm sure with a paintjob it should spruce right up! i love getting my face painted.
* Principal: i'm in this and those two numbskulls aren't. education pays, bitches.
Sarah: guys, this is a sad occasion, this is the last time we're on tv like this as the Rangers.
Preston: and my last chance with you. don't be sad, it's the Christmas episode everybody! tho i don't celebrate Christmas.
Brody: the Prism Thingee came back? why doesn't it come back more often?
* Levi: look, it's a hologram. i can like Star Wars even though i wear a cowboy hat.
Wes: Rangers, you're my only hope. none of the Power Ranger toys are selling this year, so i need you to mass-produce this hologram and sell that to kids. don't worry, it's safe. there will be the occasional design flaw but it's mostly positive-reinforcement messages with one porn thrown in there in the mix.
* the ninja-star charges and hits our Ranger heroes in the head, except for one, that one bounces off Sarah's ass...
* Snow Bright: omg! look how pretty i am! look at my carved ivory face! i'm so good-looking no one knows if i'm a boy or girl, that's the standard, that's how you know i'm hot. call me Bish, it won't be an insult.
Preston: i've seen these bishonen before, they're bad news! i got hooked on them in 2nd Grade, stunted my growth for five years.
* Snow Bright: look what i did!
Sarah: white stuff...
Snow Bright: i turned y'all into the most kawaii chibi snowmen in the galaxy! you are so cute i don't want to destroy you anymore, i want to eat you!
Sarah: still, still, even in this snowman suit, my ass is bigger than this snowman's ass...
Snow Bright: wait, what's going on?!
Sarah: the snowmen suits are melting, cos they're made from the Frosty material...
Calvin: okay i confess, you are very handsome, Snow Bright.
Hayley: Calvin please! we just got back together!
* Wrench: hey what about Preston who got away?
Snow Bright: leave him, he's Asian, no fighting skills.
* Poisy: more than anything else in the universe i wanted to be a talk-show host!
Brody: that's sad.
Poisy: Sledge had the money, well the pirated space gold. so i clung to him till i could break free on my own, i'm too good-looking to stay with that deadweight. look at me, i've got real rounded black breasts in a heart bra for fuck sake!
Sarah and Hayley highfive Poisy and all three grin ear-to-ear (hard to tell with Poisy).
Poisy: actually all i wanted was this microphone...
Poisy: so first guest, tell us about how unfair my boyfriend is being!
Levi: guys, i got the one power that is more powerful than anything else in space!
Calvin: let me guess, there is no fury like it, even Hell.
Brody: *snickering like a gansta, arms up* get yo bitch bothered, pull the string, and watch her spin!...
* Sarah: want a jellybean? oh shit, this is a recap episode after all! we were doing so well! it was the 9:11 mark...
Sarah: so anyway, the thing about our parents dating was not the biracial thing at all, it was the genetic thing...
Chip: i'm still having trouble clearing that episode for standards.
* Preston: i landed on my brother! chances. in the middle of nowhere. this must be prehistoric times, all i see are trees and a grassy clearing.
Koda: hello. you know me?
Preston: i am your, uh, friend, not brother, there's a difference. you know it's weird seeing a caveman like you in a setting that's not snowing. or a blizzard or something.
Koda: you don't have to speak loud, i'm not deaf!
Preston: do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Koda: not really, you speak a slight variant on the Mandarin i know.
* Sledge: little boy blue...
Preston: with Sarah's help, i will become a man.
* Sledge: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! BAD CGI DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Preston: huh, when the dinosaur attacks me, the CGI is slightly better and improved, clearer, a variant.
Koda: Jurassic Park blew the budget on the LEGO special and had only this one cell for us to work with.
* Poisy: typical man!
Calvin: i'll never lie again.
Poisy: then you ain't no man!
Hayley: yeah! preach, sista!
* Poisy: call me a bitch!
Sledge: what?! why!?
Poisy: so i can bitchslap you!!!
Sledge: you are so hurtful to me.
* Poisandra: my mother was right about you, you deadass! she told me and said you were a cruel, uncaring cretin. i'm not a monster or villain, i'm just a girl! i just want to see love all over! my father said all you were was a wrench-monkey who worked at a high school garage!
Wrench: hey, some of my best relatives are monkeys.
Sledge: baby, i'm sorry for killing your parents, i thought that was the marriage tradition on your planet...
* Santa: i was watching two ants kissing on the rim of my flying sleigh waiting for you Rangers to appear.
Preston: those ants were just bumping into each other, Santa.
Santa: hey, Koda! Koda is my first and only friend, you're doing what i taught you, right Koda? The First Christmas?
Koda: Koda doesn't get religion.
Santa: it's a good thing i came, this special up till now had nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. *Santa farts* *Koda covers his nose*
* Snow Bright: cold snap.
Rangers: OH SNAP!!!
Snow Bright: I'M MELTING!!!!!!!!! hey hey hey whoa whoa what's with the acid rain? you just need regular water to melt me. a giant snowman as your zord? you think that scares me?
Rangers, with Sarah: no, but how bout a giant snowWOMAN? *two battering-ram tits pop out of the giant snowoman*
Snow Bright: i didn't have a snowball's chance in...
Chip: ...don't say it!!!
Snow Bright: my name was Snow Blight all along, jus' trollin' ya. to fuck with the selling of toys.
Chip: *waving his roiled fist in the air* copyright.
* Poisy: oh Sledgeums! you're so sweet! you got me a CLOCK!!!
* Koda: you're not my friends......you're family. Sledge killed my family. he was trying to marry me.
Rangers: thanks, Koda! you got us smaller Santa sacks of toys inside the big Santa sack of toys!
Calvin: they're caveman clubs, plastic.
Preston: except for my club. Sarah, please? last chance for any of us.
* Koda: okay, guys, let's go to my homeworld in my hometime and celebrate Christmas! the Koda Christmas Special! no Jesus, just Koda!
Chip: that was our intial pitch to the network, "A Koda Christmas". killed for budget, too much CGI T-rex.
Koda: and now the Power Rangers Christmas Special no one will see cos it's time for Spongebob to come on!
* MEANWHILE in a nondescript forest of trees somewhere, Mick Kanic, Redbot, Monty and Victor roam the Zealand countryside, foraging for food. they have morphed into Beasts...
Mick: i'm the Lion Beast Morpher! hey whatever happened to Caitlin Murphy?...
* Sledge: come on, Chip Lynne, "Sledge's Last Christmas" would have been a great title.
Madame Odius: *singing* let's hear it for the girls! *do do do do do* get 'em, Poi! get 'em, girl!
Poisy: you my ride-or-die bitch, Odius, i love you like a sister from another mister.
Odius: that is how we both formed and were born. and i am still dead.
Sledge: how about "Blast Christmas"?
Chip: that Sonic thing already took it.
* Chip: what the fuck? why does the wikipedia entry have a rumor instead of the actual byline?
* Sledge: didn't this spaceship get blown up already?
Wrench: tv never dies, sir, it just repeats.
Sledge: don't open your eyes yet, sweetums!
Poisandra: oooh babe, you know how much i love being tied up and blindfolded!
* Poisy: burnt-out tv studio?
Sledge: yeah it's like Regis and Kathie Lee.
Poisy: i'm sure with a paintjob it should spruce right up! i love getting my face painted.
* Principal: i'm in this and those two numbskulls aren't. education pays, bitches.
Sarah: guys, this is a sad occasion, this is the last time we're on tv like this as the Rangers.
Preston: and my last chance with you. don't be sad, it's the Christmas episode everybody! tho i don't celebrate Christmas.
Brody: the Prism Thingee came back? why doesn't it come back more often?
* Levi: look, it's a hologram. i can like Star Wars even though i wear a cowboy hat.
Wes: Rangers, you're my only hope. none of the Power Ranger toys are selling this year, so i need you to mass-produce this hologram and sell that to kids. don't worry, it's safe. there will be the occasional design flaw but it's mostly positive-reinforcement messages with one porn thrown in there in the mix.
* the ninja-star charges and hits our Ranger heroes in the head, except for one, that one bounces off Sarah's ass...
* Snow Bright: omg! look how pretty i am! look at my carved ivory face! i'm so good-looking no one knows if i'm a boy or girl, that's the standard, that's how you know i'm hot. call me Bish, it won't be an insult.
Preston: i've seen these bishonen before, they're bad news! i got hooked on them in 2nd Grade, stunted my growth for five years.
* Snow Bright: look what i did!
Sarah: white stuff...
Snow Bright: i turned y'all into the most kawaii chibi snowmen in the galaxy! you are so cute i don't want to destroy you anymore, i want to eat you!
Sarah: still, still, even in this snowman suit, my ass is bigger than this snowman's ass...
Snow Bright: wait, what's going on?!
Sarah: the snowmen suits are melting, cos they're made from the Frosty material...
Calvin: okay i confess, you are very handsome, Snow Bright.
Hayley: Calvin please! we just got back together!
* Wrench: hey what about Preston who got away?
Snow Bright: leave him, he's Asian, no fighting skills.
* Poisy: more than anything else in the universe i wanted to be a talk-show host!
Brody: that's sad.
Poisy: Sledge had the money, well the pirated space gold. so i clung to him till i could break free on my own, i'm too good-looking to stay with that deadweight. look at me, i've got real rounded black breasts in a heart bra for fuck sake!
Sarah and Hayley highfive Poisy and all three grin ear-to-ear (hard to tell with Poisy).
Poisy: actually all i wanted was this microphone...
Poisy: so first guest, tell us about how unfair my boyfriend is being!
Levi: guys, i got the one power that is more powerful than anything else in space!
Calvin: let me guess, there is no fury like it, even Hell.
Brody: *snickering like a gansta, arms up* get yo bitch bothered, pull the string, and watch her spin!...
* Sarah: want a jellybean? oh shit, this is a recap episode after all! we were doing so well! it was the 9:11 mark...
Sarah: so anyway, the thing about our parents dating was not the biracial thing at all, it was the genetic thing...
Chip: i'm still having trouble clearing that episode for standards.
* Preston: i landed on my brother! chances. in the middle of nowhere. this must be prehistoric times, all i see are trees and a grassy clearing.
Koda: hello. you know me?
Preston: i am your, uh, friend, not brother, there's a difference. you know it's weird seeing a caveman like you in a setting that's not snowing. or a blizzard or something.
Koda: you don't have to speak loud, i'm not deaf!
Preston: do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Koda: not really, you speak a slight variant on the Mandarin i know.
* Sledge: little boy blue...
Preston: with Sarah's help, i will become a man.
* Sledge: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! BAD CGI DINOSAUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Preston: huh, when the dinosaur attacks me, the CGI is slightly better and improved, clearer, a variant.
Koda: Jurassic Park blew the budget on the LEGO special and had only this one cell for us to work with.
* Poisy: typical man!
Calvin: i'll never lie again.
Poisy: then you ain't no man!
Hayley: yeah! preach, sista!
* Poisy: call me a bitch!
Sledge: what?! why!?
Poisy: so i can bitchslap you!!!
Sledge: you are so hurtful to me.
* Poisandra: my mother was right about you, you deadass! she told me and said you were a cruel, uncaring cretin. i'm not a monster or villain, i'm just a girl! i just want to see love all over! my father said all you were was a wrench-monkey who worked at a high school garage!
Wrench: hey, some of my best relatives are monkeys.
Sledge: baby, i'm sorry for killing your parents, i thought that was the marriage tradition on your planet...
* Santa: i was watching two ants kissing on the rim of my flying sleigh waiting for you Rangers to appear.
Preston: those ants were just bumping into each other, Santa.
Santa: hey, Koda! Koda is my first and only friend, you're doing what i taught you, right Koda? The First Christmas?
Koda: Koda doesn't get religion.
Santa: it's a good thing i came, this special up till now had nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. *Santa farts* *Koda covers his nose*
* Snow Bright: cold snap.
Rangers: OH SNAP!!!
Snow Bright: I'M MELTING!!!!!!!!! hey hey hey whoa whoa what's with the acid rain? you just need regular water to melt me. a giant snowman as your zord? you think that scares me?
Rangers, with Sarah: no, but how bout a giant snowWOMAN? *two battering-ram tits pop out of the giant snowoman*
Snow Bright: i didn't have a snowball's chance in...
Chip: ...don't say it!!!
Snow Bright: my name was Snow Blight all along, jus' trollin' ya. to fuck with the selling of toys.
Chip: *waving his roiled fist in the air* copyright.
* Poisy: oh Sledgeums! you're so sweet! you got me a CLOCK!!!
* Koda: you're not my friends......you're family. Sledge killed my family. he was trying to marry me.
Rangers: thanks, Koda! you got us smaller Santa sacks of toys inside the big Santa sack of toys!
Calvin: they're caveman clubs, plastic.
Preston: except for my club. Sarah, please? last chance for any of us.
* Koda: okay, guys, let's go to my homeworld in my hometime and celebrate Christmas! the Koda Christmas Special! no Jesus, just Koda!
Chip: that was our intial pitch to the network, "A Koda Christmas". killed for budget, too much CGI T-rex.
Koda: and now the Power Rangers Christmas Special no one will see cos it's time for Spongebob to come on!
* MEANWHILE in a nondescript forest of trees somewhere, Mick Kanic, Redbot, Monty and Victor roam the Zealand countryside, foraging for food. they have morphed into Beasts...
Mick: i'm the Lion Beast Morpher! hey whatever happened to Caitlin Murphy?...
Monday, November 26, 2018
Doctor Who "The Witchfinders"
notes:
* last time: a girl died for nothing.
* now SEE? this is an episode of Doctor Who which could never be made if the Doctor were not a woman. which, see what i did there?
* Companions: so what's it this time? did the TARDIS malfunction again and send us to the wrong time?
The Doctor: you haven't been on long enough to know that!
Graham: i told you, i'm a big fan. i'm what in the '80s was known as a stalker, the internet hadn't been invented yet, people like me traveled crosscountry on rickety concrete highways to cons for autographs. actually i had a thing for River Song till you came along.
Doctor: that's why we're here, cos my wife River would have loved this place. River, river, get it? i can't wait for the episode where i meet her in this form.
* Ryan: and what's with that strange noise the TARDIS emits? it's like a car battery from hell! my ears are being torn to shreds, now i have two disabilities cos of you!
Yas: i'm wearing earplugs so i can't hear anyone, even the director on set. i just wing it when i act, i'm Method.
Doctor: i actually cleared that out and up, just rubbed the engines with some Lemon Pledge. flushed out all of Peter Capaldi's earhair that was clogging the drain. i can say that joke cos i'm a woman.
* Doctor: little towheaded German boy, why do you bob for apples this time of year?
boy: *rubbing his palms together* where we live, it's ALWAYS Halloween, heehee.
Doctor: that boy's gon be a good soldier for a bad cause some day.
Graham: yeah sure that's a "Northern" accent.
* Doctor: what's with the seesaw?
Becka Savage: idle playthings...
* Gran: Earth, Wind, and Satanic Fire...
Willa Twiston: shoulda quit while you were ahead, grannie! two out of three ain't bad.
Yas: are all the episodes this season about a gran of some kind? i feel Chibnall has a special connection with his grandmother...
Graham: me? a gram of cocaine.
Ryan: why you lookin at me, old man? not cool.
Willa: don't i have a cool last name? just wiki'd it, named after a town which doesn't exist anymore. i'm fatter here than in real life, where i'm a typical British slim model with ghost eyes. it's the bellbottom clothes.
Yas: Tilly Steele. sounds like a porn name.
Willa: i'm a steelmill-worker's daughter…
* Ryan: this is all too dark for me...……...not like that...…..will we EVER see beyond skin color?!
* Becka Savage: i am Becka Savage. i am a bit of a savage. but then again i'm just a product of my age.
Willa: which is old.
Doctor: Millennial clapback, i'm learning on the job. here. here's the paper. see? i'm Witchfinder General.
Graham: it's like the Surgeon General but we deal in the fires which cause the smoke.
Becka: we are all humane here, we use water.
* Becka: got this month's rent?
Doctor: wha?
Becka: OH YOUR MAJESTY!!! WHAT A TREAT! BOW, INGRATES!!! I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WHEN YOU CAME IN. AND MY TRAIN OF DRESS!!! we don't get royalty all the way here at the edge of town. in fact there is no central government here for miles of acres.
Alan Cumming: now THAT's drama. watch and learn, actors. it's all in the entrance. that's what you uneducated washless masses voted for, right? Brexit is impossible, even now when there was a Central Church. never fear, i have just made this episode and Britain great again, it was teetering (seesaw, get it?) on the boring. who are you lot? what's with the strange clothes? normally you four would stand out so badly we'd have you shot or imprisoned, but i guess we're all drunk off the post-Trial clown juice.
* Cumming: oh baby. how can you take this grave matter of following the Bible and murder seriously anymore? my last name is Cumming. wanna shot? want me to play doctor? i'll give you a lollipop after, anally.
Ryan: bro you talkin to me?
Cumming nods.
Ryan: oh great. well at least i'm not shafted and treated like dirt as the token black in this one.
Cumming: on the contrary, you will be elevated. this is not how you think it's gonna go down. see you're a specialty here, a rare meat. you're a Nubian prince in a sea of pale white.
Ryan: hey i got a letter i want you to see. involving my kingdom's riches and an internet barter.
Cumming: AND he's funny! you're my perfect bedmate. and mate. yes, i know how flush Wakanda is becoming at this time period. you're like Eddie Murphy in that movie! let me be your Mel B.!!!
Graham: wow. there's royalty but then there's what Eddie Murphy was in Coming to America.
Cumming: America? it will never last, it's impossible...
* Doctor: huh. my paper went wrong, that's never happened to me before.
Cumming: you're a woman this time, you got confused.
Doctor: thank you, Captain Obvious.
Cumming: i was a captain in the Royal Navy, yes. we have one ship but still.
Doctor: *in Nikki Haley voice* i am NOT confused!
Graham: oi yeah it's more of a level branch of government.
Cumming: branch of government? why?
* Yas: holy shit! it's a fucking zombie! i love being away from my parents and able to swear like this.
Willa: a zombie? but the good news is my grandma is still alive!
Yas: well, technically...
Willa: i always wanted to be a healer with potions in glass bottles like the Smurfs! i'm a bitchin' brewin' broad! i'm gonna be a writer, too. Cather...wheat...
Yas: catheter? that should be your next glass bottle. lot of old crusty men in this town.
* Yas: Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor: give me the news.
Yas: there was this tendril that came from this mud monster eating mudpies!
Doctor: Yas what did i tell you about getting rid of all that hentai in your room closet before we journeyed together? it's only slowing down your development (as a character).
Graham: i read anime, it's my demographic.
Ryan: you watch anime, read manga.
Graham: you're not a monkey, i love you, you're my son, son. have some mango, i fetched it from that bottomless bog. while i was bottomless.
* Yas: i stood up to bullying…
Willa: there's a name for just generally being a young person?
Yas: yes, it's a term, a term of art, a form of currency used to get you money and fame and riches later on when you start writing music. her name was Izzy Flint.
Doctor: oh yeah, sorry, I was Izzy Flint.
Yas: Doctor! you dunked me in the girl's toilet!
Doctor: yeah i was practicing being a girl before i took this form.
* Cumming: i've racked up 100 kills so far, how many you got?
Ryan: you git. wish i could get back to my system and video-game chair at my flat. why do you have such a hard time trusting people?
Cumming: there's no Village Tony Robbins.
Ryan: but there's a village idiot. foolish to trust a man in the sky.
Cumming: are you talking about our mutual absentee fathers whom we will bond over and groom over palace tea?
Ryan: why are you both James I and VI?
Cumming: i lobbied to be both James VI and IX. but the public wasn't having it. the people have spoken, the bastards.
* Graham: oh great, i get to wear those pointy black hats that were just squared enough to avoid being a witch's hat that was only worn two times in English history: for Thanksgiving and for The Plague.
* Doctor: you beat me for Coronation Street, too, huh?
Becka: let me see your vibrator.
Doctor: a woman knows...
Doctor: yeah it's this whole Reanimator-after-the-Renaissance thing. good sci-fi, not anything here you've seen. it's alien, not satanic in origin, one of these is ridiculous, one is not.
Becka: you don't believe in Satan?
Doctor: met Him once, a beautiful huge CGI puppet.
Becka: so i was cutting down the wrong tree at Pendle Hill...
Doctor: I KNEW IT! Castle on the Hill! i KNEW before this series was up i'd catch that rat-bastard ginger! wait, you're like George Washington innit? he was descended from you guys. we have you to blame for America.
* Doctor: what are you hiding, Becka?
Becka: cut your tongue!
Doctor: i have my tongue pierced actually, along with my ear cuff. did it at a dirty dungeon in San Francisco. you'll see that later when i fuck for the first time in this female body...
Doctor: does any of this sound familiar? the key? in your basement? monsters? zombies? more like Titans?...
* Doctor: this is all about your mother.
Cumming: who are you, Freud?
Doctor: wait, what? you won't get to your mother by killing me.
Cumming: what is the meaning of life? i want my art to be as virtuous as possible.
Doctor: look within the human heart.
Cumming: no fair, you have two hearts! no wonder you know twice as much!
Doctor: no, like the universe is actually God's Heart. and i am Genderless God.
* Becka: i hereby sentence you to death!
Doctor: oh rubbish! it's not that you think my space-travel magic is the devil's work, you just hate that i'm cuter than you! it's a tale as old as time! wait, is it dunking or ducking?
Becka: ducking.
Doctor: O that is so adorable! *goofy grin*
Companions: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOCCTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRR!
Doctor: it's alright, kids, the chains weren't fastened tightly. you thought i was fatter than i was, you cow. ha! that was fun, i needed to take a skinnydip. you thought chains could hold me? you obviously weren't there when Houdini performed on me the first female cunnilingus. in front of the gasping crowd, right there on stage! now THAT boy was into chains! if you looked up kinky in the dictionary at the time, his picture would show up.
* Becka: i could not bear touching wood!
Doctor: that's your problem.
Becka: *in normal speaking voice of Regan MacNeil* so i'm the Grand Witch of the Morax.
Doctor: the wha?
Becka: Morax. it's like the President. of Hell.
Graham: are you sure that's how it's spelled? we had a few problems with the last aliens in a previous review.
Doctor: you know, Linda Blair really wanted to outgrow that role as soon as possible. she did it all for the nookie. she just wanted to be with Rick James.
* Doctor: damn, bitch, you threw poor Willa here under the bus!
Becka: sorry, i wasn't myself at the time. we need that wood, it's a prison.
Doctor: let me take you aside to this bush here and tell you a little something about men.
* James: i saved the day!
Doctor: no, I did!
James: let's call it a tie. but can you be my full-time psychiatrist? there is no psychiatry yet.
* Yas: do we at least get some mudpies out of all this?
Doctor: NO! custards! you will eat the custards and you will like the custards!
* Cumming: wanna come with me?
Ryan: i get it, mate. come, cumming. but no.
Willa: i want to come with you.
Doctor: four Companions? it just might work!
Ryan: sorry, Willa, i would have left if he had been a babe. even a babe with a beard. i would have run off with the bearded lady and joined the circus.
Willa, The Doctor, and Yas: thanks a lot.
Graham: i'm tryna unshackle my chains and get myself out of this circus of you three nutcases errday.
Ryan: a babe like Izzy Flint.
Yas: that Christmas episode is getting further and further away...
Graham: i talked to an undead spirit this episode, too. my wife and your Nan, who was hot for the record.
Ryan: ew.
* Doctor: Chibnall, can i get out of these soaking-wet clothes now?
Chibnall: the ratings tell me you have to keep them on, we're not attracting enough boys.
Doctor: you know this is really not the way i thought things were gonna go.
* Cumming: you're drunk, go home.
Doctor: i'm not drunk, you're drunk.
Cumming: of course i'm always drunk, i'm gay. what's your excuse, pops pensioner?
Graham: i had a drinking game set up before the episode. i took a swig whenever the word "Satan" was used.
* Doctor: remember, the best technology looks like magic.
Graham: who said that?
Doctor: Houdini when he was making his O face. except Alexa, who is magic.
Graham: i keep thinking your Alexa is the voice of the TARDIS.
Cumming: where will you go now, young lady? where will you work?
Willa: this town.
Cumming: this town doesn't exist anymore, remember? i decreed it.
Willa: fuck you, you man.
Cumming: get the dunkers! just kidding. come on, i made this episode, it would have been dull as mud without me. this is the first time a Witch Trial has been played for laughs, like if the whole thing was a joke...
Doctor: or a comedy of errors. big errors.
* last time: a girl died for nothing.
* now SEE? this is an episode of Doctor Who which could never be made if the Doctor were not a woman. which, see what i did there?
* Companions: so what's it this time? did the TARDIS malfunction again and send us to the wrong time?
The Doctor: you haven't been on long enough to know that!
Graham: i told you, i'm a big fan. i'm what in the '80s was known as a stalker, the internet hadn't been invented yet, people like me traveled crosscountry on rickety concrete highways to cons for autographs. actually i had a thing for River Song till you came along.
Doctor: that's why we're here, cos my wife River would have loved this place. River, river, get it? i can't wait for the episode where i meet her in this form.
* Ryan: and what's with that strange noise the TARDIS emits? it's like a car battery from hell! my ears are being torn to shreds, now i have two disabilities cos of you!
Yas: i'm wearing earplugs so i can't hear anyone, even the director on set. i just wing it when i act, i'm Method.
Doctor: i actually cleared that out and up, just rubbed the engines with some Lemon Pledge. flushed out all of Peter Capaldi's earhair that was clogging the drain. i can say that joke cos i'm a woman.
* Doctor: little towheaded German boy, why do you bob for apples this time of year?
boy: *rubbing his palms together* where we live, it's ALWAYS Halloween, heehee.
Doctor: that boy's gon be a good soldier for a bad cause some day.
Graham: yeah sure that's a "Northern" accent.
* Doctor: what's with the seesaw?
Becka Savage: idle playthings...
* Gran: Earth, Wind, and Satanic Fire...
Willa Twiston: shoulda quit while you were ahead, grannie! two out of three ain't bad.
Yas: are all the episodes this season about a gran of some kind? i feel Chibnall has a special connection with his grandmother...
Graham: me? a gram of cocaine.
Ryan: why you lookin at me, old man? not cool.
Willa: don't i have a cool last name? just wiki'd it, named after a town which doesn't exist anymore. i'm fatter here than in real life, where i'm a typical British slim model with ghost eyes. it's the bellbottom clothes.
Yas: Tilly Steele. sounds like a porn name.
Willa: i'm a steelmill-worker's daughter…
* Ryan: this is all too dark for me...……...not like that...…..will we EVER see beyond skin color?!
* Becka Savage: i am Becka Savage. i am a bit of a savage. but then again i'm just a product of my age.
Willa: which is old.
Doctor: Millennial clapback, i'm learning on the job. here. here's the paper. see? i'm Witchfinder General.
Graham: it's like the Surgeon General but we deal in the fires which cause the smoke.
Becka: we are all humane here, we use water.
* Becka: got this month's rent?
Doctor: wha?
Becka: OH YOUR MAJESTY!!! WHAT A TREAT! BOW, INGRATES!!! I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT WHEN YOU CAME IN. AND MY TRAIN OF DRESS!!! we don't get royalty all the way here at the edge of town. in fact there is no central government here for miles of acres.
Alan Cumming: now THAT's drama. watch and learn, actors. it's all in the entrance. that's what you uneducated washless masses voted for, right? Brexit is impossible, even now when there was a Central Church. never fear, i have just made this episode and Britain great again, it was teetering (seesaw, get it?) on the boring. who are you lot? what's with the strange clothes? normally you four would stand out so badly we'd have you shot or imprisoned, but i guess we're all drunk off the post-Trial clown juice.
* Cumming: oh baby. how can you take this grave matter of following the Bible and murder seriously anymore? my last name is Cumming. wanna shot? want me to play doctor? i'll give you a lollipop after, anally.
Ryan: bro you talkin to me?
Cumming nods.
Ryan: oh great. well at least i'm not shafted and treated like dirt as the token black in this one.
Cumming: on the contrary, you will be elevated. this is not how you think it's gonna go down. see you're a specialty here, a rare meat. you're a Nubian prince in a sea of pale white.
Ryan: hey i got a letter i want you to see. involving my kingdom's riches and an internet barter.
Cumming: AND he's funny! you're my perfect bedmate. and mate. yes, i know how flush Wakanda is becoming at this time period. you're like Eddie Murphy in that movie! let me be your Mel B.!!!
Graham: wow. there's royalty but then there's what Eddie Murphy was in Coming to America.
Cumming: America? it will never last, it's impossible...
* Doctor: huh. my paper went wrong, that's never happened to me before.
Cumming: you're a woman this time, you got confused.
Doctor: thank you, Captain Obvious.
Cumming: i was a captain in the Royal Navy, yes. we have one ship but still.
Doctor: *in Nikki Haley voice* i am NOT confused!
Graham: oi yeah it's more of a level branch of government.
Cumming: branch of government? why?
* Yas: holy shit! it's a fucking zombie! i love being away from my parents and able to swear like this.
Willa: a zombie? but the good news is my grandma is still alive!
Yas: well, technically...
Willa: i always wanted to be a healer with potions in glass bottles like the Smurfs! i'm a bitchin' brewin' broad! i'm gonna be a writer, too. Cather...wheat...
Yas: catheter? that should be your next glass bottle. lot of old crusty men in this town.
* Yas: Doctor! Doctor!
Doctor: give me the news.
Yas: there was this tendril that came from this mud monster eating mudpies!
Doctor: Yas what did i tell you about getting rid of all that hentai in your room closet before we journeyed together? it's only slowing down your development (as a character).
Graham: i read anime, it's my demographic.
Ryan: you watch anime, read manga.
Graham: you're not a monkey, i love you, you're my son, son. have some mango, i fetched it from that bottomless bog. while i was bottomless.
* Yas: i stood up to bullying…
Willa: there's a name for just generally being a young person?
Yas: yes, it's a term, a term of art, a form of currency used to get you money and fame and riches later on when you start writing music. her name was Izzy Flint.
Doctor: oh yeah, sorry, I was Izzy Flint.
Yas: Doctor! you dunked me in the girl's toilet!
Doctor: yeah i was practicing being a girl before i took this form.
* Cumming: i've racked up 100 kills so far, how many you got?
Ryan: you git. wish i could get back to my system and video-game chair at my flat. why do you have such a hard time trusting people?
Cumming: there's no Village Tony Robbins.
Ryan: but there's a village idiot. foolish to trust a man in the sky.
Cumming: are you talking about our mutual absentee fathers whom we will bond over and groom over palace tea?
Ryan: why are you both James I and VI?
Cumming: i lobbied to be both James VI and IX. but the public wasn't having it. the people have spoken, the bastards.
* Graham: oh great, i get to wear those pointy black hats that were just squared enough to avoid being a witch's hat that was only worn two times in English history: for Thanksgiving and for The Plague.
* Doctor: you beat me for Coronation Street, too, huh?
Becka: let me see your vibrator.
Doctor: a woman knows...
Doctor: yeah it's this whole Reanimator-after-the-Renaissance thing. good sci-fi, not anything here you've seen. it's alien, not satanic in origin, one of these is ridiculous, one is not.
Becka: you don't believe in Satan?
Doctor: met Him once, a beautiful huge CGI puppet.
Becka: so i was cutting down the wrong tree at Pendle Hill...
Doctor: I KNEW IT! Castle on the Hill! i KNEW before this series was up i'd catch that rat-bastard ginger! wait, you're like George Washington innit? he was descended from you guys. we have you to blame for America.
* Doctor: what are you hiding, Becka?
Becka: cut your tongue!
Doctor: i have my tongue pierced actually, along with my ear cuff. did it at a dirty dungeon in San Francisco. you'll see that later when i fuck for the first time in this female body...
Doctor: does any of this sound familiar? the key? in your basement? monsters? zombies? more like Titans?...
* Doctor: this is all about your mother.
Cumming: who are you, Freud?
Doctor: wait, what? you won't get to your mother by killing me.
Cumming: what is the meaning of life? i want my art to be as virtuous as possible.
Doctor: look within the human heart.
Cumming: no fair, you have two hearts! no wonder you know twice as much!
Doctor: no, like the universe is actually God's Heart. and i am Genderless God.
* Becka: i hereby sentence you to death!
Doctor: oh rubbish! it's not that you think my space-travel magic is the devil's work, you just hate that i'm cuter than you! it's a tale as old as time! wait, is it dunking or ducking?
Becka: ducking.
Doctor: O that is so adorable! *goofy grin*
Companions: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO DOOOOOCCTTTTTOOOOOOORRRRRR!
Doctor: it's alright, kids, the chains weren't fastened tightly. you thought i was fatter than i was, you cow. ha! that was fun, i needed to take a skinnydip. you thought chains could hold me? you obviously weren't there when Houdini performed on me the first female cunnilingus. in front of the gasping crowd, right there on stage! now THAT boy was into chains! if you looked up kinky in the dictionary at the time, his picture would show up.
* Becka: i could not bear touching wood!
Doctor: that's your problem.
Becka: *in normal speaking voice of Regan MacNeil* so i'm the Grand Witch of the Morax.
Doctor: the wha?
Becka: Morax. it's like the President. of Hell.
Graham: are you sure that's how it's spelled? we had a few problems with the last aliens in a previous review.
Doctor: you know, Linda Blair really wanted to outgrow that role as soon as possible. she did it all for the nookie. she just wanted to be with Rick James.
* Doctor: damn, bitch, you threw poor Willa here under the bus!
Becka: sorry, i wasn't myself at the time. we need that wood, it's a prison.
Doctor: let me take you aside to this bush here and tell you a little something about men.
* James: i saved the day!
Doctor: no, I did!
James: let's call it a tie. but can you be my full-time psychiatrist? there is no psychiatry yet.
* Yas: do we at least get some mudpies out of all this?
Doctor: NO! custards! you will eat the custards and you will like the custards!
* Cumming: wanna come with me?
Ryan: i get it, mate. come, cumming. but no.
Willa: i want to come with you.
Doctor: four Companions? it just might work!
Ryan: sorry, Willa, i would have left if he had been a babe. even a babe with a beard. i would have run off with the bearded lady and joined the circus.
Willa, The Doctor, and Yas: thanks a lot.
Graham: i'm tryna unshackle my chains and get myself out of this circus of you three nutcases errday.
Ryan: a babe like Izzy Flint.
Yas: that Christmas episode is getting further and further away...
Graham: i talked to an undead spirit this episode, too. my wife and your Nan, who was hot for the record.
Ryan: ew.
* Doctor: Chibnall, can i get out of these soaking-wet clothes now?
Chibnall: the ratings tell me you have to keep them on, we're not attracting enough boys.
Doctor: you know this is really not the way i thought things were gonna go.
* Cumming: you're drunk, go home.
Doctor: i'm not drunk, you're drunk.
Cumming: of course i'm always drunk, i'm gay. what's your excuse, pops pensioner?
Graham: i had a drinking game set up before the episode. i took a swig whenever the word "Satan" was used.
* Doctor: remember, the best technology looks like magic.
Graham: who said that?
Doctor: Houdini when he was making his O face. except Alexa, who is magic.
Graham: i keep thinking your Alexa is the voice of the TARDIS.
Cumming: where will you go now, young lady? where will you work?
Willa: this town.
Cumming: this town doesn't exist anymore, remember? i decreed it.
Willa: fuck you, you man.
Cumming: get the dunkers! just kidding. come on, i made this episode, it would have been dull as mud without me. this is the first time a Witch Trial has been played for laughs, like if the whole thing was a joke...
Doctor: or a comedy of errors. big errors.
Monday, November 19, 2018
Doctor Who "Kerblam!"
notes:
* not to be confused with that other show...
* last time: for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo
* last time: ghost trains. but not in the Halloween sense.
* technological unemployment: it's a real thing...but wouldn't that make life easier? i mean everyone could just concentrate on their art.
* The Doctor: the problem with all these one-and-dones is you gotta burn the first fifteen creating the world and the back-end 45 with the actual story. can't make it 2 hours cos then it becomes a tv-movie and NOONE watches tv-movies anymore.
* Jeff Bezos: see? this is what happens. we had to relocate to the moon. you New Yawkers complained too much and you're in a major media market so i had to listen. West Virginians wouldn't have complained if we built on top of their mine.
* first episode title with an exclamation point? maybe? two question marks.
* Trump: i don't watch this show but it's very bad timing with the mail bombs and everything...
* thanks Show, you took away the only joy i had left in this life: bubblewrap.
* Graham: Doc, you got a package.
Doctor: no i don't, i got a vagina.
* Doctor: omg! when i was a little girl i wanted to marry the Kerblam Man!
Graham: when were you a little girl?
* Ryan pops the bubblewrap, which forms the basis for the backbeat of his new wrap rap song, grime of course.
* Ryan: can i skip this adventure? i mean it's just me going back to work.
Yas: yeah let's not have a Space Cops episode please.
Graham: i'm a pensioner. who DIDN'T spill his beans on toast on his leg.
* Judy Maddox: it's not me, though i have suspicious happiness. i'm just a happy-go-lucky worker in charge of the organics. i eat a lot of organic food, can't you tell by my figure?
Doctor: somehow you beat me out for that part on Coronation Street. you pitch?
Maddox: no i definitely catch.
* Judy: what's your name?
Doctor: don't worry about it, it's hard to spell, it has a hyphen. we were gonna use this magic paper here to get into the President's private quarters but that was when we all thought it'd be Hillary. it'd be a First Woman/First Woman type of momentous meeting. a cat celebration. now none of that matters so i guess we'll work here. we are FORCING you to make us work here!
* Doctor: Help Me? oh no sorry, that was from a page out of my diary. false alarm, folks, back in the TARDIS.
* Judy: put on your leg cuffs, i'm sure YOU are used to these.
Ryan: why you looking at me? not cool, lady.
* Graham: oh no this is why i studied hard at Hartnell and got my junior degree and made sure i qualified to drive a bus, to make sure i'd never have to mop up shit again. my days as a CIA cleaner are over.
Ryan: i got to Hartnell. well i did until you showed up there.
Doctor: use the mophead hairs for a disguise. before this episode is over, we are sure to use disguises of some sort.
* Jarva Slade: i am Jarva Slade...
Ryan: from Teen Titans Go!?
Jarva: no, The Flintstones.
Doctor: that's a very Star Wars name, Jarva. fetch me my java, Jarva.
Jarva: hey, show some respect. it's not me, though i have anger issues.
* Jarva: i want to hear a pin drop...
Claudia Jessie: dude, that was, like, five years ago, i've forgotten all about it.
Jarva: i want House of Anubis to return so bad! reckon a Doctor Who/HOA crossover? that would work brilliant!
* Dan Cooper: i'm the poster boy...
Yas: for toxic masculinity?
Dan: no, i'm just on a poster. don't go down there, people never return going down there. take my ex-wife...
Yas: please, i don't want to hear any more of this...
* Dan: i'm a single dad...
Yas: MRA?
Dan: sometimes i scroll for single mums online...but it's not what you think...i want a new mother for my daughter.
Yas: it's tough being away from family. you've inspired me, i'm gonna quit the Companion team.
Dan: and join TeamMates?
* Yas: look at my smile grinning ear to ear, i fancy you.
Dan: really? but it would never work, i'm not long for this world.
Yas: yeah. the writers could never make it seem believable. plus, my family would never go for interracial.
Dan: here, take this silver thing aound my neck, it's not a tooth. in remembrance of me and my daughter who will be an orphan soon.
Yas: my friend, this is what they call in the business a silver red flag.
* Kira: i have an impossible sunny view of life. my parents left me an orphan on a robot's doorstep. but the thing of it is, i just REALLY love unboxing videos on youtube. eh, who needs a PhD anyway?
Doctor: too right, they're a waste of time.
Kira: Doctor of Philosophy?
Doctor: sure.
* Judy: i look like that host of the Weakest Link.
Chibnall: or Judge Judy for American audiences, we're trying to branch out here, we're bleeding viewers with each show...
Judy: we decided as a nation to allow for 10% of the workforce to always be human.
Doctor: why?
Judy: cos there'd be constant crying if we didn't.
Jarva: and we each read The Fountainhead at an upstate New York summer house for orientation.
* Doctor: oi, these robots are creepy, yeah?
Graham: yeah, they're like Human Daleks. why didn't you just do Daleks? it would've been funny seeing Daleks wearing glasses working at a bookstore.
Chibnall: budget, man, budget.
Doctor: hey how'd you know about the Daleks?
Graham: i've been watching you since you were a little girl.
Doctor: that's more creepy than the robots. oi, Graham, stop looking at me naked under the airport screener.
Judy: two hearts?
Doctor: those are my two red juicy tits.
* Doctor: aw, that's so cute, puppy love.
Yas: and we're on picnic green grass so the two dogs can do their business.
* Graham: oi, mate, i'm gonna need the layout of this place, i'm casing the joint.
Charlie Duffy: my duff is small but my brain's not, i think long about things. hey, i thought I was casing the joint, you my accomplice or sumpin? Anonymous on the online chat forum, right?
* Doctor: did you like my speech?
Ryan: a little dramatic for my tastes. i like comedies.
Doctor: i'm trying to be comedic, look at my fez.
Matt Smith enters from the elevator.
Doctor: no, Matt, remember? when you were it everyone hated you. they thought you were boring and a bad actor. and had a weird plastic face that looked like a mask. you can't come groveling back now that you have all the men on your side.
Yas: who's the dreamboat with the ordinary name?
Matt Smith: just give me back my fez, bitch.
Doctor: remember Agatha Christie?
Matt: yeah, i fucked her wearing only that fez...on my junk. she got the Orient Express idea from me, that was a new positon i was trying out on her. mind you she was 80 at the time. it lasted such a short time she pleaded with me to roleplay and do her in different costumes, one for every body on the train...
* Ryan: okay, we're doing this, but my hand coordination, you're gonna need to push me down the chute.
Charlie: not gay. and you're too fat to push, mate.
Yas: do you think the audience is buying that we're not really action stars and this is all CGI?
Chibnall: definitely.
* Charlie falls off the speeding conveyor belt.
Judy: told ya.
the story ends, the villain is killed.
* Doctor: *holding his hand* no guns.
Jarva: you pulled out yours first.
Doctor: that's my vibrator. my hands are up.
* robots: come with us, little girl, you've won Employee of the Lunch Break. are you claustrophobic?
Kira: no.
robots: then this is no problem. this is your first unboxing! cameras are always secretly taping you for the company youtube channel...
Kira: i'm so excited! send this video to my mum and dad back on Earth, i was a rebellious teenager...
* Kira explodes.
child watching: what happened to the girl, mummy?
single mum: she disappeared like your father.
* Charlie: it was me.
Doctor: well that was a quick confession.
Chibnall: *taps his watchface* yeah see, we only got, like, five minutes left...
Graham: why, kid? i taught you how to kiss on that apple and everything.
Doctor: hey are YOU Ed Sheeran?
Charlie: i wish, he's the only ginger who's allowed to live cos he's given proof of his worth to the government. soon machines will take over and it won't be like the Bush song and all of us will lose our souls...
Doctor: i hate to break this to you, Charlie, but...join me in the corner here, let's have a tea...
* Doctor: you had a plan. but you weren't counting on falling in love.
Charlie: it's true, we watched Big Trouble in Little China together. that's where i came up for the idea of the green smoke. i actually had a better plan than this but i fell in love and that scrambled my brain and i couldn't think clearly after that. girls ruin everything.
Doctor: it's not the automation, it's how humans use the automation, didn't you read Gandhi?
Charlie: dude, i'm, like, in the 5th grade.
Doctor: CHARLIE GET OUT OF THERE!!! OUT OF THE GROUND FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!!?
Charlie: i dropped my gum. shit, see i was gonna have a jetpack here to fly off but i forgot to build it...
* Doctor: Charlie wrote in his suicide note that the robots crying finally made him not do it. but it was too late by then. and this magic paper with the Help Me writing on it is from his diary. hey, next time, make a switch in the back of the robots' necks or something to turn them off. it's a bit unsettling to have to rip their heads off.
Judy: gotcha. so this was a really intense episode for a kid's show, you got three deaths of the main characters.
Doctor: yeah but no one really dies.
Jarva: those three did.
* Doctor: can we keep this little cute bot? i want to scare folk from Roswell, everyone in the TARDIS! next stop!
Ryan: and then let's use the bot to make Transformers Cyberverse great again.
Graham: The Jetsons anyone?...…………………………….nah didn't think so.
* Yas: why is there a giant silver filing cabinet in the middle of the TARDIS?
Doctor: i want to be a secretary...
Yas: Doctor, can we mail this silver trinket to that hot dad's child? it's so sad i'm never gonna have a proper romance.
Ryan: what am i, chopped liver? don't answer that, it will probably be ethnic or racist. or involving Kanye. and we'll have to pay a fine from the BBC.
Chibnall: she's not. the standalone-episode format will never allow for a side-romance. surcharges are fun to pay.
Doctor: wipe your tears, girl, we'll pack that sucker in some bubble wrap and Amazon it to her!
the Amazon drone gets caught in the engines and destroys the TARDIS midstream in the wormhole.
Graham: fuck robots.
Doctor: oi. hey. some of my best friends are robots.
Graham: that metal mangy mutt? why do you insist on painting little dog legs on its chassis as it wheels around?
Doctor: just helping K9 feel more comfortable. K9 poos square poo you know.
* not to be confused with that other show...
* last time: for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo
* last time: ghost trains. but not in the Halloween sense.
* technological unemployment: it's a real thing...but wouldn't that make life easier? i mean everyone could just concentrate on their art.
* The Doctor: the problem with all these one-and-dones is you gotta burn the first fifteen creating the world and the back-end 45 with the actual story. can't make it 2 hours cos then it becomes a tv-movie and NOONE watches tv-movies anymore.
* Jeff Bezos: see? this is what happens. we had to relocate to the moon. you New Yawkers complained too much and you're in a major media market so i had to listen. West Virginians wouldn't have complained if we built on top of their mine.
* first episode title with an exclamation point? maybe? two question marks.
* Trump: i don't watch this show but it's very bad timing with the mail bombs and everything...
* thanks Show, you took away the only joy i had left in this life: bubblewrap.
* Graham: Doc, you got a package.
Doctor: no i don't, i got a vagina.
* Doctor: omg! when i was a little girl i wanted to marry the Kerblam Man!
Graham: when were you a little girl?
* Ryan pops the bubblewrap, which forms the basis for the backbeat of his new wrap rap song, grime of course.
* Ryan: can i skip this adventure? i mean it's just me going back to work.
Yas: yeah let's not have a Space Cops episode please.
Graham: i'm a pensioner. who DIDN'T spill his beans on toast on his leg.
* Judy Maddox: it's not me, though i have suspicious happiness. i'm just a happy-go-lucky worker in charge of the organics. i eat a lot of organic food, can't you tell by my figure?
Doctor: somehow you beat me out for that part on Coronation Street. you pitch?
Maddox: no i definitely catch.
* Judy: what's your name?
Doctor: don't worry about it, it's hard to spell, it has a hyphen. we were gonna use this magic paper here to get into the President's private quarters but that was when we all thought it'd be Hillary. it'd be a First Woman/First Woman type of momentous meeting. a cat celebration. now none of that matters so i guess we'll work here. we are FORCING you to make us work here!
* Doctor: Help Me? oh no sorry, that was from a page out of my diary. false alarm, folks, back in the TARDIS.
* Judy: put on your leg cuffs, i'm sure YOU are used to these.
Ryan: why you looking at me? not cool, lady.
* Graham: oh no this is why i studied hard at Hartnell and got my junior degree and made sure i qualified to drive a bus, to make sure i'd never have to mop up shit again. my days as a CIA cleaner are over.
Ryan: i got to Hartnell. well i did until you showed up there.
Doctor: use the mophead hairs for a disguise. before this episode is over, we are sure to use disguises of some sort.
* Jarva Slade: i am Jarva Slade...
Ryan: from Teen Titans Go!?
Jarva: no, The Flintstones.
Doctor: that's a very Star Wars name, Jarva. fetch me my java, Jarva.
Jarva: hey, show some respect. it's not me, though i have anger issues.
* Jarva: i want to hear a pin drop...
Claudia Jessie: dude, that was, like, five years ago, i've forgotten all about it.
Jarva: i want House of Anubis to return so bad! reckon a Doctor Who/HOA crossover? that would work brilliant!
* Dan Cooper: i'm the poster boy...
Yas: for toxic masculinity?
Dan: no, i'm just on a poster. don't go down there, people never return going down there. take my ex-wife...
Yas: please, i don't want to hear any more of this...
* Dan: i'm a single dad...
Yas: MRA?
Dan: sometimes i scroll for single mums online...but it's not what you think...i want a new mother for my daughter.
Yas: it's tough being away from family. you've inspired me, i'm gonna quit the Companion team.
Dan: and join TeamMates?
* Yas: look at my smile grinning ear to ear, i fancy you.
Dan: really? but it would never work, i'm not long for this world.
Yas: yeah. the writers could never make it seem believable. plus, my family would never go for interracial.
Dan: here, take this silver thing aound my neck, it's not a tooth. in remembrance of me and my daughter who will be an orphan soon.
Yas: my friend, this is what they call in the business a silver red flag.
* Kira: i have an impossible sunny view of life. my parents left me an orphan on a robot's doorstep. but the thing of it is, i just REALLY love unboxing videos on youtube. eh, who needs a PhD anyway?
Doctor: too right, they're a waste of time.
Kira: Doctor of Philosophy?
Doctor: sure.
* Judy: i look like that host of the Weakest Link.
Chibnall: or Judge Judy for American audiences, we're trying to branch out here, we're bleeding viewers with each show...
Judy: we decided as a nation to allow for 10% of the workforce to always be human.
Doctor: why?
Judy: cos there'd be constant crying if we didn't.
Jarva: and we each read The Fountainhead at an upstate New York summer house for orientation.
* Doctor: oi, these robots are creepy, yeah?
Graham: yeah, they're like Human Daleks. why didn't you just do Daleks? it would've been funny seeing Daleks wearing glasses working at a bookstore.
Chibnall: budget, man, budget.
Doctor: hey how'd you know about the Daleks?
Graham: i've been watching you since you were a little girl.
Doctor: that's more creepy than the robots. oi, Graham, stop looking at me naked under the airport screener.
Judy: two hearts?
Doctor: those are my two red juicy tits.
* Doctor: aw, that's so cute, puppy love.
Yas: and we're on picnic green grass so the two dogs can do their business.
* Graham: oi, mate, i'm gonna need the layout of this place, i'm casing the joint.
Charlie Duffy: my duff is small but my brain's not, i think long about things. hey, i thought I was casing the joint, you my accomplice or sumpin? Anonymous on the online chat forum, right?
* Doctor: did you like my speech?
Ryan: a little dramatic for my tastes. i like comedies.
Doctor: i'm trying to be comedic, look at my fez.
Matt Smith enters from the elevator.
Doctor: no, Matt, remember? when you were it everyone hated you. they thought you were boring and a bad actor. and had a weird plastic face that looked like a mask. you can't come groveling back now that you have all the men on your side.
Yas: who's the dreamboat with the ordinary name?
Matt Smith: just give me back my fez, bitch.
Doctor: remember Agatha Christie?
Matt: yeah, i fucked her wearing only that fez...on my junk. she got the Orient Express idea from me, that was a new positon i was trying out on her. mind you she was 80 at the time. it lasted such a short time she pleaded with me to roleplay and do her in different costumes, one for every body on the train...
* Ryan: okay, we're doing this, but my hand coordination, you're gonna need to push me down the chute.
Charlie: not gay. and you're too fat to push, mate.
Yas: do you think the audience is buying that we're not really action stars and this is all CGI?
Chibnall: definitely.
* Charlie falls off the speeding conveyor belt.
Judy: told ya.
the story ends, the villain is killed.
* Doctor: *holding his hand* no guns.
Jarva: you pulled out yours first.
Doctor: that's my vibrator. my hands are up.
* robots: come with us, little girl, you've won Employee of the Lunch Break. are you claustrophobic?
Kira: no.
robots: then this is no problem. this is your first unboxing! cameras are always secretly taping you for the company youtube channel...
Kira: i'm so excited! send this video to my mum and dad back on Earth, i was a rebellious teenager...
* Kira explodes.
child watching: what happened to the girl, mummy?
single mum: she disappeared like your father.
* Charlie: it was me.
Doctor: well that was a quick confession.
Chibnall: *taps his watchface* yeah see, we only got, like, five minutes left...
Graham: why, kid? i taught you how to kiss on that apple and everything.
Doctor: hey are YOU Ed Sheeran?
Charlie: i wish, he's the only ginger who's allowed to live cos he's given proof of his worth to the government. soon machines will take over and it won't be like the Bush song and all of us will lose our souls...
Doctor: i hate to break this to you, Charlie, but...join me in the corner here, let's have a tea...
* Doctor: you had a plan. but you weren't counting on falling in love.
Charlie: it's true, we watched Big Trouble in Little China together. that's where i came up for the idea of the green smoke. i actually had a better plan than this but i fell in love and that scrambled my brain and i couldn't think clearly after that. girls ruin everything.
Doctor: it's not the automation, it's how humans use the automation, didn't you read Gandhi?
Charlie: dude, i'm, like, in the 5th grade.
Doctor: CHARLIE GET OUT OF THERE!!! OUT OF THE GROUND FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!!?
Charlie: i dropped my gum. shit, see i was gonna have a jetpack here to fly off but i forgot to build it...
* Doctor: Charlie wrote in his suicide note that the robots crying finally made him not do it. but it was too late by then. and this magic paper with the Help Me writing on it is from his diary. hey, next time, make a switch in the back of the robots' necks or something to turn them off. it's a bit unsettling to have to rip their heads off.
Judy: gotcha. so this was a really intense episode for a kid's show, you got three deaths of the main characters.
Doctor: yeah but no one really dies.
Jarva: those three did.
* Doctor: can we keep this little cute bot? i want to scare folk from Roswell, everyone in the TARDIS! next stop!
Ryan: and then let's use the bot to make Transformers Cyberverse great again.
Graham: The Jetsons anyone?...…………………………….nah didn't think so.
* Yas: why is there a giant silver filing cabinet in the middle of the TARDIS?
Doctor: i want to be a secretary...
Yas: Doctor, can we mail this silver trinket to that hot dad's child? it's so sad i'm never gonna have a proper romance.
Ryan: what am i, chopped liver? don't answer that, it will probably be ethnic or racist. or involving Kanye. and we'll have to pay a fine from the BBC.
Chibnall: she's not. the standalone-episode format will never allow for a side-romance. surcharges are fun to pay.
Doctor: wipe your tears, girl, we'll pack that sucker in some bubble wrap and Amazon it to her!
the Amazon drone gets caught in the engines and destroys the TARDIS midstream in the wormhole.
Graham: fuck robots.
Doctor: oi. hey. some of my best friends are robots.
Graham: that metal mangy mutt? why do you insist on painting little dog legs on its chassis as it wheels around?
Doctor: just helping K9 feel more comfortable. K9 poos square poo you know.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Doctor Who "Demons of the Punjab"
notes:
* Ryan: my mom died...
Yas: I'M your mommy now.
* The Doctor: yeah about last episode just want to say i'm not so much into custards anymore, i'm into candy floss. i like saying candy floss better than cotton candy, it's more British-kooky, you know?
Graham: British cookie? they don't make those. you should watch out with the candy floss on your teeth, Doc, makes your smile even more bucktoothed and goofier.
Doctor: you can only say that cos we're platonic pals.
* Doctor: oh yeah, womb. why is the b silent?
Graham: cos all bs are silent.
Doctor: did you get that thing i sent ya?
Graham: the TIME'S UP sticker? i'm a little wary of stickers nowadays. thought it was Time Magazine.
* Amita Suman: show, good job casting unknown up-and-comer Indian babes for your roles!
me: i know we're all farmers this time but let's stop talkin' bout soy, yeah? for the longest i thought the title was "Ghosts of the Punjab". i must be seeing things.
* Nan: i was the first marriage in Pakistan.
Yas's sister: okay, grandma, i liked your story, what do you want from me?
Nan: you liked my Instagram story?
Yas: i'm never getting married. unless i become the first marriage in Pakistan...
* Yas: tell me the story of your love, i want to feel inspired in this dead world.
Nan: here is the letter. word of warning: this letter was the first erotic fanfic ever done. it is filled to the RIM with nasty illegal stuff of all sort in them scribblings. and x-rated doodles in the margins of the pages.
Yas's mom: i...
Yas: no, mom, not this time.
* Yas: can you please help me fix the watch which is a symbol of my broken soul?
Doctor: i dunno, i don't have one of those impossible tiny screwdrivers.
Yas: no i mean the TARDIS.
Doctor: the TARDIS should only be taken out for emergencies.
Yas: what about your sonic then?
Doctor: currently in use...
Yas: what's that rumbling belowdeck?
* Doctor: alright, gang, everyone in the bus...……..sorry, reflex.
* Holy Man: don't mind me, i'm just an old man walking alone in the heat on a cold lonely dusty road.
Prem: get in, old man.
Holy Man: oh you young people and your cars and your Instagram, you've forgotten how to walk, you've forgotten what it means to earn a decent wage. you're all highway robbers now.
Prem: thanks, old buddy, hey look out behind your back, they're like some demons or ghosts following you.
* Graham: Doc, you okay?
Doctor: fucking migraines. you get migraines?
Graham: do i get migraines she says look at the size of my head of course i do.
* Yas: you're not marrying my grandfather? i am offended!
Doctor: sorry bout that, girl is into butterflies and changing wings and other loopy stuff. hey you got any VANQUISH in that barn?
* Doctor: why do we always land RIGHT as history's about to go apeshit!?
Graham: i'm British. from the Commonwealth.
Ryan: that makes you a monkey around here. now you know how it feels.
Graham: i look like everyone's uncle.
* Doctor: i sense something, my Spidey Sense is sad...it's like there are forces coming this way, unseen forces, undefined forces, but scary forces which will in the shadows crack your bubble and force you to live lives in terror you were never planning, your entire way of life is dust. it's all telly tricks, of course, the BBC is good at creating fear and making you flee with just sound over wheatfields...
* Doctor: so you lot have heard of speed-dating, yeah?
* Holy Man: don't worry, i'm not really dead. none of us are really dead. yes, my skin is purple but i'm a magic man you see...
Graham: Prince? Hendrix? we must search for the body. your body...……………….oh wow i had a Law & Order flashback there. i only do shows that are affiliated in London with NBC.
* Doctor: holy (man) shit! hey aliens, give me your cool transporter!
aliens: those Star Trek transporters are nuts! scattering your atoms? how could you ever be sure your atoms would reassemble the right way again?
Doctor: tell me about it, you could even turn into a woman the next time.
Ryan: ooooohhh, shiny...….!!!
Doctor: DON'T TOUCH, RYAN!, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!
* Doctor: we seem to have entered a cave with giant forks...………….let's eat! tuck in! those weren't trees in those woods, they were giant broccoli!
Ryan: the VANQUISH hits you harder if you don't eat. not that i'm a drugs-cheat youth or something.
Prem: no, nope, i'm too old for this shit, you talkin bout alien playmates, i've been to real war! i live in the real world!
* Doctor: i must say, i love you aliens' style, you've got those '90s square-pad targets you stick on trees for Nerf ball and that Laser Tag you did in malls in the '80s. like you, i also have a retro style. you guys are cool.
* Vajarians: we're not what you think. we just like to watch. we like to look at blue holograms.
Doctor: EVERY species in the universe does.
Vajarians: we were rejected for Star Trek: TNG so we came here. do you know how lonely it is to be an out-of-work actor?
Doctor: forever alone has such a negative connotation now, it's not cute anymore it's mixed with violence.
* Doctor: let me see what Manish did.
Vajarians: can't. it's, like, torture porn, banned in the seven star systems.
* Yas: this is wild, pops.
Graham: oh, you talkin' to me? this is our first conversation, aye?
Yas: yes, our first conversation. ever.
Graham: you know, if i had continued with Nan, you would have been my daughter…
Yas: and conversation over.
Graham: no, MY Nan, not yours. you have the prettiest smile i've ever seen on a girl, you have all your teeth...
* Yas: she lied to me!
Graham: all women have secrets, they must to survive in this dead world. feminine mystique and all that, it's part of their allure.
Yas: yeah, i cosplayed as Mystique once. still have blue paint in my yas.
Graham: *whispering* don't tell anyone this, but The Doctor used to be a man!!!
* Doctor: what's all this then? mind when women gather in circles, that's where the real power lies!!!
women: you callin' us liars? and witches?
Doctor: huh. so this is hentai, huh?
Yas: uh, henna. think of it as a Banksy needlepoint job if your hand was a pillow.
Doctor: okay, i'm ready for the icky cookie......everyone sing!
The Doctor sings "Thank You For Being a Friend" alone.
Ryan: i thought you liked biscuits, not cookies.
Doctor: no i like KFC biscuits, not biscuits meaning British cookies.
Ryan: not cool, man.
* Prem: what happened to you, Manish? you weren't so mannish before. you were boyish, you wore those Harry Potter glasses and were so cute!
Manish: i took off my glaases and opened my eyes, brother! i listened to angry white men on the radio, bro! i even called in once. have you heard of Gandhi Jones, bro.
Graham: you know what they say: unlucky in cards, lucky in love.
Ryan: but what about Pokémon cards?
Graham: that's just unlucky in everything.
* both men crying.
Graham: you look like a schoolboy on maneuvers.
Prem: you own that turn of phrase. i googled it and couldn't find it anywhere.
* Prem: the watch broke!
Umbreen: it's okay, that's the point. our moment in time. time does not exist, there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
Prem: that is so deep and non-millennial. have you been meditating again? perhaps this interracial thing will work out after all.
Umbreen: isn't Umbreen a cool name? like a beluga whale or something.
Prem: you're not fat. see? already i'm a good husband.
Umbreen: plus, the watch is a Swatch, it's rubber. Roger Federer hasn't won yet and done any Longines commercials.
* Doctor: we are so cute! we each got a golden poppy in our ears. a-choo!
Umbreen's mom: what was that? good luck?
Doctor: that was my first sneeze! as a woman.
Umbreen's mom: how's your nose doing, Doctor? Doctor Who knows.
Doctor: strangest thing, my nose didn't sneeze, my ear cuff did!
* Manish: i didn't toil the fields to feed YOU, i did it to feed ME!!! and i'm still skinny! that's why i joined the dark side!
Prem: all this righteous indignation and rage is not healthy, brother. you will never win this way. this is crazy what they're doing to us.
Manish: i know. i mean this partitioning of the country will never work, it's like Brexit. i'm angry cos of the food thing.
* Yas: ah yea, the ropes. and the mud pit. my early days on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...
Umbreen: you will do well on that show, you inherited my big butt.
* Prem: i'm going out there, i got some demons of my own…………..yeah i said it, i said that line and i said that line seriously.
* Yas: i want to watch.
Doctor: no, cover your eyes, shield yourself from the world, girls should never see violence.
Yas: Doctor, i NEED to see this!
Doctor: it's just fireworks, hun, we're at a fair. do what i say, i'm your mother!
* Vajarians: like our freaky disembodied floating heads?
Doctor: i thought you were passive Predators.
Vajarians: we're named after the Vajazzle.
* Doctor: from the topview, the TARDIS looks like a giant icky cookie...
* Yas: why did you decide to settle in Sheffield?
Nan: completely random, i literally threw a redtipped dart at a map and it landed on this dump.
Yas: but what if the dart landed in the ocean?
Nan: on the map or the ocean in real life?
* both women crying.
Yas: you sacrificed so much for love! you went through so much pain for love! you lost your first love and had to settle for Grandpa!
Nan: that's why i tell you, bheti, be careful where you stick your fingers. when you swipe left, you may be fucking up your soul mate!
* Yas: i love you, Nan.
Nan: i love you, too, girl.
Ryan: way to rub it in, we're breaking up.
* okay, i admit, the music at the end credits teared me up...just something about Time, you know?...
* Ryan: my mom died...
Yas: I'M your mommy now.
* The Doctor: yeah about last episode just want to say i'm not so much into custards anymore, i'm into candy floss. i like saying candy floss better than cotton candy, it's more British-kooky, you know?
Graham: British cookie? they don't make those. you should watch out with the candy floss on your teeth, Doc, makes your smile even more bucktoothed and goofier.
Doctor: you can only say that cos we're platonic pals.
* Doctor: oh yeah, womb. why is the b silent?
Graham: cos all bs are silent.
Doctor: did you get that thing i sent ya?
Graham: the TIME'S UP sticker? i'm a little wary of stickers nowadays. thought it was Time Magazine.
* Amita Suman: show, good job casting unknown up-and-comer Indian babes for your roles!
me: i know we're all farmers this time but let's stop talkin' bout soy, yeah? for the longest i thought the title was "Ghosts of the Punjab". i must be seeing things.
* Nan: i was the first marriage in Pakistan.
Yas's sister: okay, grandma, i liked your story, what do you want from me?
Nan: you liked my Instagram story?
Yas: i'm never getting married. unless i become the first marriage in Pakistan...
* Yas: tell me the story of your love, i want to feel inspired in this dead world.
Nan: here is the letter. word of warning: this letter was the first erotic fanfic ever done. it is filled to the RIM with nasty illegal stuff of all sort in them scribblings. and x-rated doodles in the margins of the pages.
Yas's mom: i...
Yas: no, mom, not this time.
* Yas: can you please help me fix the watch which is a symbol of my broken soul?
Doctor: i dunno, i don't have one of those impossible tiny screwdrivers.
Yas: no i mean the TARDIS.
Doctor: the TARDIS should only be taken out for emergencies.
Yas: what about your sonic then?
Doctor: currently in use...
Yas: what's that rumbling belowdeck?
* Doctor: alright, gang, everyone in the bus...……..sorry, reflex.
* Holy Man: don't mind me, i'm just an old man walking alone in the heat on a cold lonely dusty road.
Prem: get in, old man.
Holy Man: oh you young people and your cars and your Instagram, you've forgotten how to walk, you've forgotten what it means to earn a decent wage. you're all highway robbers now.
Prem: thanks, old buddy, hey look out behind your back, they're like some demons or ghosts following you.
* Graham: Doc, you okay?
Doctor: fucking migraines. you get migraines?
Graham: do i get migraines she says look at the size of my head of course i do.
* Yas: you're not marrying my grandfather? i am offended!
Doctor: sorry bout that, girl is into butterflies and changing wings and other loopy stuff. hey you got any VANQUISH in that barn?
* Doctor: why do we always land RIGHT as history's about to go apeshit!?
Graham: i'm British. from the Commonwealth.
Ryan: that makes you a monkey around here. now you know how it feels.
Graham: i look like everyone's uncle.
* Doctor: i sense something, my Spidey Sense is sad...it's like there are forces coming this way, unseen forces, undefined forces, but scary forces which will in the shadows crack your bubble and force you to live lives in terror you were never planning, your entire way of life is dust. it's all telly tricks, of course, the BBC is good at creating fear and making you flee with just sound over wheatfields...
* Doctor: so you lot have heard of speed-dating, yeah?
* Holy Man: don't worry, i'm not really dead. none of us are really dead. yes, my skin is purple but i'm a magic man you see...
Graham: Prince? Hendrix? we must search for the body. your body...……………….oh wow i had a Law & Order flashback there. i only do shows that are affiliated in London with NBC.
* Doctor: holy (man) shit! hey aliens, give me your cool transporter!
aliens: those Star Trek transporters are nuts! scattering your atoms? how could you ever be sure your atoms would reassemble the right way again?
Doctor: tell me about it, you could even turn into a woman the next time.
Ryan: ooooohhh, shiny...….!!!
Doctor: DON'T TOUCH, RYAN!, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!
* Doctor: we seem to have entered a cave with giant forks...………….let's eat! tuck in! those weren't trees in those woods, they were giant broccoli!
Ryan: the VANQUISH hits you harder if you don't eat. not that i'm a drugs-cheat youth or something.
Prem: no, nope, i'm too old for this shit, you talkin bout alien playmates, i've been to real war! i live in the real world!
* Doctor: i must say, i love you aliens' style, you've got those '90s square-pad targets you stick on trees for Nerf ball and that Laser Tag you did in malls in the '80s. like you, i also have a retro style. you guys are cool.
* Vajarians: we're not what you think. we just like to watch. we like to look at blue holograms.
Doctor: EVERY species in the universe does.
Vajarians: we were rejected for Star Trek: TNG so we came here. do you know how lonely it is to be an out-of-work actor?
Doctor: forever alone has such a negative connotation now, it's not cute anymore it's mixed with violence.
* Doctor: let me see what Manish did.
Vajarians: can't. it's, like, torture porn, banned in the seven star systems.
* Yas: this is wild, pops.
Graham: oh, you talkin' to me? this is our first conversation, aye?
Yas: yes, our first conversation. ever.
Graham: you know, if i had continued with Nan, you would have been my daughter…
Yas: and conversation over.
Graham: no, MY Nan, not yours. you have the prettiest smile i've ever seen on a girl, you have all your teeth...
* Yas: she lied to me!
Graham: all women have secrets, they must to survive in this dead world. feminine mystique and all that, it's part of their allure.
Yas: yeah, i cosplayed as Mystique once. still have blue paint in my yas.
Graham: *whispering* don't tell anyone this, but The Doctor used to be a man!!!
* Doctor: what's all this then? mind when women gather in circles, that's where the real power lies!!!
women: you callin' us liars? and witches?
Doctor: huh. so this is hentai, huh?
Yas: uh, henna. think of it as a Banksy needlepoint job if your hand was a pillow.
Doctor: okay, i'm ready for the icky cookie......everyone sing!
The Doctor sings "Thank You For Being a Friend" alone.
Ryan: i thought you liked biscuits, not cookies.
Doctor: no i like KFC biscuits, not biscuits meaning British cookies.
Ryan: not cool, man.
* Prem: what happened to you, Manish? you weren't so mannish before. you were boyish, you wore those Harry Potter glasses and were so cute!
Manish: i took off my glaases and opened my eyes, brother! i listened to angry white men on the radio, bro! i even called in once. have you heard of Gandhi Jones, bro.
Graham: you know what they say: unlucky in cards, lucky in love.
Ryan: but what about Pokémon cards?
Graham: that's just unlucky in everything.
* both men crying.
Graham: you look like a schoolboy on maneuvers.
Prem: you own that turn of phrase. i googled it and couldn't find it anywhere.
* Prem: the watch broke!
Umbreen: it's okay, that's the point. our moment in time. time does not exist, there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
Prem: that is so deep and non-millennial. have you been meditating again? perhaps this interracial thing will work out after all.
Umbreen: isn't Umbreen a cool name? like a beluga whale or something.
Prem: you're not fat. see? already i'm a good husband.
Umbreen: plus, the watch is a Swatch, it's rubber. Roger Federer hasn't won yet and done any Longines commercials.
* Doctor: we are so cute! we each got a golden poppy in our ears. a-choo!
Umbreen's mom: what was that? good luck?
Doctor: that was my first sneeze! as a woman.
Umbreen's mom: how's your nose doing, Doctor? Doctor Who knows.
Doctor: strangest thing, my nose didn't sneeze, my ear cuff did!
* Manish: i didn't toil the fields to feed YOU, i did it to feed ME!!! and i'm still skinny! that's why i joined the dark side!
Prem: all this righteous indignation and rage is not healthy, brother. you will never win this way. this is crazy what they're doing to us.
Manish: i know. i mean this partitioning of the country will never work, it's like Brexit. i'm angry cos of the food thing.
* Yas: ah yea, the ropes. and the mud pit. my early days on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...
Umbreen: you will do well on that show, you inherited my big butt.
* Prem: i'm going out there, i got some demons of my own…………..yeah i said it, i said that line and i said that line seriously.
* Yas: i want to watch.
Doctor: no, cover your eyes, shield yourself from the world, girls should never see violence.
Yas: Doctor, i NEED to see this!
Doctor: it's just fireworks, hun, we're at a fair. do what i say, i'm your mother!
* Vajarians: like our freaky disembodied floating heads?
Doctor: i thought you were passive Predators.
Vajarians: we're named after the Vajazzle.
* Doctor: from the topview, the TARDIS looks like a giant icky cookie...
* Yas: why did you decide to settle in Sheffield?
Nan: completely random, i literally threw a redtipped dart at a map and it landed on this dump.
Yas: but what if the dart landed in the ocean?
Nan: on the map or the ocean in real life?
* both women crying.
Yas: you sacrificed so much for love! you went through so much pain for love! you lost your first love and had to settle for Grandpa!
Nan: that's why i tell you, bheti, be careful where you stick your fingers. when you swipe left, you may be fucking up your soul mate!
* Yas: i love you, Nan.
Nan: i love you, too, girl.
Ryan: way to rub it in, we're breaking up.
* okay, i admit, the music at the end credits teared me up...just something about Time, you know?...
Saturday, November 10, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Reaching the Nexus"
notes:
* Chip Lynne: FINALLY this show is over!
Madame Odius: hey. i was a good character, your writers were cowards. i could have done something revolutionary, like be a female villain who at the same time is also for #MeToo and who had experienced sexual assault in the workplace.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: exactly. the only hope this world has is the younger generation. i'm trying to save the Earth here you know. "Reaching the Nexus"? that's the best you could do for this epic finale?
Chip: it was better than "Nexus Power."
Odius: it should have been called "Odius: Study of a Woman".
* doomy voiceover guy at the beginning: omg that was fun! i've never had to say so many strange words in my life!
* Chip: just......before we start...i asked for an hour and was denied, so, you know...
* Odius: i am triumphant! i am Hitler at that armistice with the railcar and everything.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: oh, sorry. Badonna, what's taking so long?
Badonna: the stupid humans are marching instead of just running to their spot.
Odius: they're like cattle. cattle to be sucked up by UFO beams.
* Badonna: okay, you've reached onboard inside the ship, you can stop marching now, it's creepy.
Odius: they look like gooses.
* Hayley: OMG they killed Calvin!
Sarah: he's mindcontrolled, that's all. let's go rescue the other humans who are not already lost like Calvin.
Hayley: he's Catholic so he'll be fine. wait, is the beam supposed to affect the entire world or just our town?
Chip: budget. it's supposed to be the whole world but......well we don't have all the budget in the world now do we.
Hayley: next time vote republican.
* Sarah: what are you doing?!
Hayley: my boyfriend. i feel i turned him into this with my rejection.
Sarah: hey, women get enough hate without adding this, let's not pile on and Ariana Grande this thing.
Hayley: without Calvin with me what's the point of saving the world? I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!
Sarah: do you think they'll recognize us without our Ranger gear on?
Hayley: yes. every New York actor looks the same when they're on line.
Sarah: yeah, that's the thing: what do New Yorkers say when they're waiting at the Apple Store? online or on line?
* Odius: oh you are such a good little boy, Mick! lead us to your secret hideout.
Mick Kanic: yes, mistress.
Odius: oooh, i like that! what are you doing later this century? we've got all the time in the world.
Redbot: have to hurry! dammit! this suitcase buckle won't budge! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*EXPLOSION*
Redbot: stop! malfunction! malfunction!
Mick: is that all you have to say to me? after all those times i fixed you!? saying malfunction won't help!
* Victor Vincent: we refuse to be your clowns any longer!
Cosmo Royale: wanna play with my balls?
Monty: *puppy-dog wag of his head*
* Odius: wait, the Nexus was here this whole time!? why didn't anyone tell me!?
Redbot: oh shit, i'm not feeling so well. i've got the Bumblebee fever. ALL HAIL MEGATRON i didn't mean that!!! *tries to cover mouth but realizes his robot arm is missing...*
* Sarah: oh, i get it, i see how it is, this is gonna be the ladies teaming up and saving the day, i love it! FOR MADAME ODIUS!!!
Chip: also, there's this thing onboard the ship that prevents you from changing into your Ranger gear cos budget.
* Sarah kicks ass.
Sarah: yeah i do. i beat all those men with just my ass! i defeated them with just my plainclothes karate, i don't even need to be a Ranger anymore, i'm that good!
bunch of burly men take care of the rest.
Sarah: who the fuck are you guys horning in on my territory and shining feminist moment?
men: we're the extras and heavies on set you never see on film, the stuntmen and the ones who wear all the ridiculous rubber costumes.
Victor and Monty: and our bodyguards. we can't be seen roaming around New Zealand or we'll get killed.
* Hayley: you hit me, Calvin! we're breaking up again!
Calvin: i cannot let you cross the streams. shoot me in the face if you must but not the hair, please, don't touch the hair. you'd do this to your only lover?
Hayley: i've got the gun this time. woman power!...……...no, move your face, i'm aiming for the beam.
* Calvin: what was i thinking? i could NEVER get a girl as hot as you again! you've got the phattest butt i've ever seen.
Hayley: it was my fault, honey.
Calvin: no me. i didn't take feelings into consideration like a good millennial. next time you ask me for my opinion, i will stay silent.
Hayley: i want an honest man, those are the sexiest kind. Calvin honey, do these white jeans make my butt look fat?
Calvin: *pinching Hayley's cheeks* let's go save the world, chubby-cheeks.
Hayley: ya big goof.
* Calvin: now Victor and Monty, we need YOU to save humanity, cos the Rangers are all at their dayjobs.
Victor: sure. if me and Monty get to be the Gold and Silver Rangers.
Calvin: whatever you want, i mean you two are PROBABLY gonna be in the Christmas special, right?
* Victor: hey bad guys, boom voyage!
Monty: yeah yippee ki yay motherfuckers!!!
Chip: HAHA!!! I DID IT! i made Victor and Monty the heroes of this show! this is for all the guff for two years! suck it, redditors!!!
* Dad: i am NOT your father.
Brody: we know, dad, you're mindcontrolled.
Dad: no i mean i am so incensed over what you did to your mother!
Levi: what do you mean?
Brody: i didn't do anything to her! in fact...…….yeah what happened to our mother? she was never mentioned.
Dad: i will KILL you boys for what you did to her! i am not your father anymore!
Levi: what? we just kissed her.
Dad: yeah you kissed her alright...
* Odius: that's fine craftsmanship, slave.
Mick: i aim to please on the star, ma'am.
Odius: no i mean your butt.
Mick: i meant icky cookie.
* Mick: i'm not much into fighting, so i'm leaving now and my fixing of Redbot will be offscreened.
Dad: speaking of offscreened, i guess i'll go search for our mother. hope she isn't dead or it'll be a waste.
* Calvin: i love you, Hayley. till the world explodes.
Hayley: Degrassi reference, nice.
Mick: um, are you planning to do something, Calvin? something i should know about?
Calvin: *strokes his mustache* only something dastardly: i'm gonna declare love in this wretched world. let's fuck, Hayley.
Chip: kid's show. we won't even allow a kiss between a long-standing couple.
Sarah: which is weird cos we film porn here at night.
*Calvin and Hayley sit down and fuck*
* Odius: this is my true form! I AM AIZEN-BUTTERFLY!!!
Chip: *taps his watch* hey guys, we got, like, one minute for this the final boss battle, so let's hurry this along.
Preston: okay, i hope my magic works at this crucial and critical time this time.
Chip: we'll fix it in post if it doesn't. CGI isn't a four-letter word to me.
* principal: well shit, i didn't get ONE line this entire last episode!
mayor: sucker.
Victor: we did it, Monty! i got my 50th trophy!
Monty: Victor, you're not holding the trophy, you're holding me...
* Rangers: wow, that Nexus Star is turning into a Beast and flying away...
Redbot: fucking rock monster, good riddance.
Rangers: so that's it. do we stay friends?
Rangers: nah. let's go our separate ways, the world is a cold and lonely place…
* Rangers: so you're STAYING, Mick???!
Mick: of course. what could be more interesting than teaching metalshop at a community college? outer space adventures, pashaw……………………….plus my parents are dead but i didn't want to ruin the mood…
* Sledge: so there WILL be a Christmas special, right?
Chip: seems likely.
Sledge: you better not Doctor Who us! my girlfriends are coming to this party.
Chip: Poisandra?
Sledge: that's my wife, i'm talking about bringing Victor and Monty.
Chip: Sledge, buddy, Victor and Monty are wearing clown makeup, they're not girls.
* Chip Lynne: FINALLY this show is over!
Madame Odius: hey. i was a good character, your writers were cowards. i could have done something revolutionary, like be a female villain who at the same time is also for #MeToo and who had experienced sexual assault in the workplace.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: exactly. the only hope this world has is the younger generation. i'm trying to save the Earth here you know. "Reaching the Nexus"? that's the best you could do for this epic finale?
Chip: it was better than "Nexus Power."
Odius: it should have been called "Odius: Study of a Woman".
* doomy voiceover guy at the beginning: omg that was fun! i've never had to say so many strange words in my life!
* Chip: just......before we start...i asked for an hour and was denied, so, you know...
* Odius: i am triumphant! i am Hitler at that armistice with the railcar and everything.
Chip: it's a kid's show.
Odius: oh, sorry. Badonna, what's taking so long?
Badonna: the stupid humans are marching instead of just running to their spot.
Odius: they're like cattle. cattle to be sucked up by UFO beams.
* Badonna: okay, you've reached onboard inside the ship, you can stop marching now, it's creepy.
Odius: they look like gooses.
* Hayley: OMG they killed Calvin!
Sarah: he's mindcontrolled, that's all. let's go rescue the other humans who are not already lost like Calvin.
Hayley: he's Catholic so he'll be fine. wait, is the beam supposed to affect the entire world or just our town?
Chip: budget. it's supposed to be the whole world but......well we don't have all the budget in the world now do we.
Hayley: next time vote republican.
* Sarah: what are you doing?!
Hayley: my boyfriend. i feel i turned him into this with my rejection.
Sarah: hey, women get enough hate without adding this, let's not pile on and Ariana Grande this thing.
Hayley: without Calvin with me what's the point of saving the world? I DID IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!
Sarah: do you think they'll recognize us without our Ranger gear on?
Hayley: yes. every New York actor looks the same when they're on line.
Sarah: yeah, that's the thing: what do New Yorkers say when they're waiting at the Apple Store? online or on line?
* Odius: oh you are such a good little boy, Mick! lead us to your secret hideout.
Mick Kanic: yes, mistress.
Odius: oooh, i like that! what are you doing later this century? we've got all the time in the world.
Redbot: have to hurry! dammit! this suitcase buckle won't budge! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
*EXPLOSION*
Redbot: stop! malfunction! malfunction!
Mick: is that all you have to say to me? after all those times i fixed you!? saying malfunction won't help!
* Victor Vincent: we refuse to be your clowns any longer!
Cosmo Royale: wanna play with my balls?
Monty: *puppy-dog wag of his head*
* Odius: wait, the Nexus was here this whole time!? why didn't anyone tell me!?
Redbot: oh shit, i'm not feeling so well. i've got the Bumblebee fever. ALL HAIL MEGATRON i didn't mean that!!! *tries to cover mouth but realizes his robot arm is missing...*
* Sarah: oh, i get it, i see how it is, this is gonna be the ladies teaming up and saving the day, i love it! FOR MADAME ODIUS!!!
Chip: also, there's this thing onboard the ship that prevents you from changing into your Ranger gear cos budget.
* Sarah kicks ass.
Sarah: yeah i do. i beat all those men with just my ass! i defeated them with just my plainclothes karate, i don't even need to be a Ranger anymore, i'm that good!
bunch of burly men take care of the rest.
Sarah: who the fuck are you guys horning in on my territory and shining feminist moment?
men: we're the extras and heavies on set you never see on film, the stuntmen and the ones who wear all the ridiculous rubber costumes.
Victor and Monty: and our bodyguards. we can't be seen roaming around New Zealand or we'll get killed.
* Hayley: you hit me, Calvin! we're breaking up again!
Calvin: i cannot let you cross the streams. shoot me in the face if you must but not the hair, please, don't touch the hair. you'd do this to your only lover?
Hayley: i've got the gun this time. woman power!...……...no, move your face, i'm aiming for the beam.
* Calvin: what was i thinking? i could NEVER get a girl as hot as you again! you've got the phattest butt i've ever seen.
Hayley: it was my fault, honey.
Calvin: no me. i didn't take feelings into consideration like a good millennial. next time you ask me for my opinion, i will stay silent.
Hayley: i want an honest man, those are the sexiest kind. Calvin honey, do these white jeans make my butt look fat?
Calvin: *pinching Hayley's cheeks* let's go save the world, chubby-cheeks.
Hayley: ya big goof.
* Calvin: now Victor and Monty, we need YOU to save humanity, cos the Rangers are all at their dayjobs.
Victor: sure. if me and Monty get to be the Gold and Silver Rangers.
Calvin: whatever you want, i mean you two are PROBABLY gonna be in the Christmas special, right?
* Victor: hey bad guys, boom voyage!
Monty: yeah yippee ki yay motherfuckers!!!
Chip: HAHA!!! I DID IT! i made Victor and Monty the heroes of this show! this is for all the guff for two years! suck it, redditors!!!
* Dad: i am NOT your father.
Brody: we know, dad, you're mindcontrolled.
Dad: no i mean i am so incensed over what you did to your mother!
Levi: what do you mean?
Brody: i didn't do anything to her! in fact...…….yeah what happened to our mother? she was never mentioned.
Dad: i will KILL you boys for what you did to her! i am not your father anymore!
Levi: what? we just kissed her.
Dad: yeah you kissed her alright...
* Odius: that's fine craftsmanship, slave.
Mick: i aim to please on the star, ma'am.
Odius: no i mean your butt.
Mick: i meant icky cookie.
* Mick: i'm not much into fighting, so i'm leaving now and my fixing of Redbot will be offscreened.
Dad: speaking of offscreened, i guess i'll go search for our mother. hope she isn't dead or it'll be a waste.
* Calvin: i love you, Hayley. till the world explodes.
Hayley: Degrassi reference, nice.
Mick: um, are you planning to do something, Calvin? something i should know about?
Calvin: *strokes his mustache* only something dastardly: i'm gonna declare love in this wretched world. let's fuck, Hayley.
Chip: kid's show. we won't even allow a kiss between a long-standing couple.
Sarah: which is weird cos we film porn here at night.
*Calvin and Hayley sit down and fuck*
* Odius: this is my true form! I AM AIZEN-BUTTERFLY!!!
Chip: *taps his watch* hey guys, we got, like, one minute for this the final boss battle, so let's hurry this along.
Preston: okay, i hope my magic works at this crucial and critical time this time.
Chip: we'll fix it in post if it doesn't. CGI isn't a four-letter word to me.
* principal: well shit, i didn't get ONE line this entire last episode!
mayor: sucker.
Victor: we did it, Monty! i got my 50th trophy!
Monty: Victor, you're not holding the trophy, you're holding me...
* Rangers: wow, that Nexus Star is turning into a Beast and flying away...
Redbot: fucking rock monster, good riddance.
Rangers: so that's it. do we stay friends?
Rangers: nah. let's go our separate ways, the world is a cold and lonely place…
* Rangers: so you're STAYING, Mick???!
Mick: of course. what could be more interesting than teaching metalshop at a community college? outer space adventures, pashaw……………………….plus my parents are dead but i didn't want to ruin the mood…
* Sledge: so there WILL be a Christmas special, right?
Chip: seems likely.
Sledge: you better not Doctor Who us! my girlfriends are coming to this party.
Chip: Poisandra?
Sledge: that's my wife, i'm talking about bringing Victor and Monty.
Chip: Sledge, buddy, Victor and Monty are wearing clown makeup, they're not girls.
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