Doctor Who "It Takes You Away"

notes:

* last time: this is how Capaldi should have Regenerated into Jodie: have him become a woman for the first time right as she's being attached to the ducking cucking stool. talk about jumping right into it! the hard eduction of being a woman in this world!

* it takes you away: already a stilted title. but i'm not gonna make assumptions the way Ryan did this episode.

* i know i'm a stickler for titles but i just LOVE titles, i love titles of books more than the books. humble replacements: "The Fucking Fulfords in Fjords" "The Neverending Nuances of Norway Neversee" "Live-Action Hypnotoad" "Solitract Is Not The Name of a Fitbit" "Deadbeat Dad: Now That's A New Excuse!"

* The Doctor: i love eating strange berries.
Yas: don't i know it, you did a number on mine.
Ryan: those weren't berries, those were Slenderman's balls...
Doctor: i'm incapable of being poisoned. only by racist tweets.
Yas: cabin in the woods?
Doctor: please, we're gonna run the gamut before we're through.
Graham: fucking Log Cabin Brexiters.

* Doctor: the atmosphere is peak.
Ryan: Peak District.
Doctor: the fog is thick like peas, the lake shivering like the truth, it's always overcast even when it's daytime…
Graham: so it's Alaska after the Little Big One Quake?
Doctor: Northern Exposure really shook tv. why did they show only Palin's room's damage? she's not the only person who lives in Alaska. you know why they name them fjords?
Yas: cos
Doctor: cos they were bored. bored fjords. originally you weren't supposed to be able to escape from a fjord. like now. the trees here are so verdant and tall and dark brown and Twilight.
Graham: you know trees and dark German faerie-tale forests existed before Twilight.
Chibnall: millennial audience, Graham, remember? we're down to 5 million…
Doctor: i'm uncomfortable calling you Chibo now that i'm in a higher position than you.

* Doctor: yeah so this door has three locked padlocks so let's do this, let's break in!
Graham: oh, so THAT's what that sonic is for, it's a thief's tool! a sledgehammer, pick, do my backpocket, Doc, i dare ya. i thought it was some sex thing. and now this has become the Collyer Brothers...only i get that reference…
Doctor: this has become Wizard of Oz.

* Hanne: and her sisters. wish i had sisters. i'm of course an only child cos this is a horror story.
Doctor: trust us, i'm pretty, you're just gonna have to trust me on that.
Ryan: where's your dad? haha just kidding, i know your dad abandoned you. all dads eventually leave their families to hook up with their kid's teenage artschool teacher.
Hanne: fuck you! i do art! and my art is better than Banksy's!
Doctor: mine?
Graham: all art is better than Banksy's. Banksy is more of a concept than an artist.

* Ryan: you're good with people, i'm rubbish with them. must be my hand.
Yas: on-the-job training, as a cop i've nailed many many many people to the wall, you learn how to talk to them real quick. and one many may named Theresa. she didn't really get the job, right? she was just voted in. ha! you got scared when the jack-o-lantern sprung up!
Ryan: in Norway, dusty puppets are a lifestyle…
Chibnall: guys, we just got canceled!
Yas: seriously?
Chibnall: in Norway.

* Doctor: and now, this has become Ingmar Bergman's last unfinished film.
Graham: oh yeah, the Wind film. Ingmar Bergman once called Orson Welles fat and Orson rejoindered back by calling Ingmar skinny, they ate strawberries at Ingmar's island but no cream.
Doctor: WHY!? NO!! CAN'T BE!!! there cannot be a mirror in this universe or any other universe that's blank in which i cannot see the reflection of my beauty! i will solve this, Hanne, for YOU!
Graham: you're just gonna go right through the damn mirror? are you a nutter? you could die, you have NO idea what's out there!
Doctor: well i kinda do but yeah i'm reckless and fun like that. it's probably some other dimension or something like this has become The Twilight Zone.

* Hanne: why are you such a bastard to me?
Ryan: just explain it to me one more time: you're a brilliant actress who isn't really blind, right?
Doctor: Ryan, look at me...sorry, Hanne, that was insensitive. look at what i'm writing on the wood wall.
Graham: what is it with you and writing on walls? you love injuring property innit?
Doctor: the blueprints...
Hanne: you're lying to me, the lot o ya! those letters aren't blue!!! you're saying my dad is dead and throw me in an orphanage!
Ryan: see? you ARE acting! and you're acting like a little git.

* Ryan: why do you hate me so much?
Hanne: it's not a racial thing.
Ryan: what the fuck? why did your dad trap you and box you in from the world with speakers like this!?
Hanne: oh he REALLY likes Halloween. all of us in foggy misty Norway, it's like our national holiday, tailormade.
Ryan: he was just trying to protect you. you only have one dad.
Hanne: but he listens to Slayer backwards, backmasking it to see if Satan speaks to him.
Doctor: no more Satan this season, kay? can't take it.
Ryan: your dad should have gotten you wifi.
Hanne: but Norway is such a beautiful place with wonders of nature!
Ryan: trust me, going outside is overrated.

* Ribbons: i'm Ribbons, i'm always hungry for pussy, i have seven stomachs.
Graham: i like you, mate, you're a pre-MeToo villain.
Ribbons: i'm so disgusting to look at you forget the disgusting things i say.
Doctor: and now this episode has become Old Gregg.
Ribbons: yeah, when pee becomes wee, that's a dead giveaway.
Ryan: i'd give you my shoe for the Baileys but i need it for my hand. Baileys, like McDonalds, the s is not 's.
Ribbons: i live in the Antizone cos i'm antiauthoritarian, only place that'll have me.
Doctor: Flesh Moths?
Yas: we would have been scared of these big buggers but we had the Giant Spider episode before this one.
Graham: yeah, i like black honey.
Ryan: ew. preserve the memory of Nan. not your jelly preserves.

* Ribbons: i'm getting swarmed to death by these Flesh Moths, but it's pleasurable, they're "flesh" cos they're naked. i jack off to these moths every night in the cave and this finally is my real reward, i need no card. i'll be okay, death is no big deal. that's why my name was Ribbons, i was cut to ribbons, now you know retroactively.
Graham: mate you were a Star Trek: TNG reject. smile for the cameras, sunshine.
Ribbons: only (now) on BBC America!
Graham: i took you down! remember i used to be a cop. did a lot of running in caves. i'm a better cop than Yasmin will ever be!

* Doctor: oi mate! fooking slacker dad!
dad: hey i'm a musician, can't you tell from my scruffy beard?
Doctor: bitch you got mirror-married!!?
dad: no this is Trine, my dead wife and Hanne's dead mother.
Trine: i know i'm dead. but i am alive. i'm like the Julia Roberts of Norwegian soap operas aren't i. i'm huge here and unknown in the rest of the globe.
Ryan: you've got your priorities screwed, mate! you've already thought of your penis, that's how you made Hanne! you've got a daughter back home, she went blind when you masturbated!

* Doctor: and now this show is Black Mirror.
Graham: Grace, is that really you?
Grace: fuck this, even in the afterlife i still can't escape doing laundry! white sheets flowing in the wind on a line outside smelling like Tide Pods, this is so undignified.
Graham: how can this be? it must be a trick.
Doctor: life is one big trick. how do we know this reality we're living in now isn't some holographic trick? are we real simply because we THINK we're real? God is a bloody prankster!
Grace: dimension, death, all i know is that i'm real.
Chibnall: i can confirm this, the actress playing Grace is the same one we've used...

* Grace: i feel real. i touch real. i think real. isn't a life simply the collection of memories? i remember everything. i like turtles i mean frogs.
Graham: a-HA! Grace would NEVER look at youtube!
Grace: Frogger was my favorite arcade game.
Graham: i also quite liked the Frogger we played in the bedroom.
Grace: did you ever catch that guy who murdered me? Stenza or something?
Graham: um yeah, still working on that, he'll probably appear in the Christmas episode or the Children In Need Rednose Special some such shit. we're having too much fun with the other characters.
Grace: so i'm not a priority. even though i delivered Priority Mail.
Graham: i met Rosa Parks!
Grace: was she hotter than me?

* Hanne: you're not my mommy! you're just some tart who got her talons into my daddy's money!
dad: once again, i'm a musician, a reddit musician…
Doctor: that's where the blindness angle comes in, only super-sensitive blind girl can REALLY know the smell of her real mother.
Hanne: they said i'd be auditioning for SpiderGwen. another lie.

* Yas: you had a Nan Gran, too?
Chibnall: i decree that EVERY character has a nan. or gran, cos i had one.
Doctor: i had five grans. my parents were swingers in the '70s. so the Solitract…
Yas: i don't exercise, don't need to. can't you see my fit bum in these jeans?

* Doctor: let us go!
Solitract: we are an Alternate Sentient Universe, isn't that cool? we want attention, too! like the so-called "real world".
Doctor: so you're an Instagram-obsessed 12-year-old girl into MTV? see? we hate men and women equally on this show.
Solitract: we will fight you! with our palms! but not, like, karate chops. we'll push you but no shoving, it's like an all-air pump-action thing and you fall down on the other side of the mirror gently.

* Doctor: Hanne's dad, your marriage is hereby annulled by me cos your officiant was a frog!
dad: yes but isn't your officiant license from the internet, too?
Doctor: i'm God, bitch! God Themselves!

* Graham: this is the hardest decision i've ever had to make.
Doctor: leaving Grace?
Graham: no, doing this show. i should have done Coronation Street instead.

* Doctor: well here we are. just the two of us.
the frog starts singing "Torn Between Two Lovers..."
Doctor: wha? who's the other bitch you're cheating on me with!? i'm God so i don't get jealous but still i'm all-knowing so i'd like to know.
frog: The Third Doctor.
Doctor: i'm just the Third Doctor with my polarity reversed. why is Heaven always depicted with white clouds and a bare archway like this?
frog: this isn't Heaven, it's just another room. remember when you licked my bumpy forehead at the wrap party? thought it was a bag of crisps?
Doctor: i'm feeling like a fool. life is only a trip. this is a meditation on death. so there's no afterlife, it's all just another dimension. and when someone dies, it's like leaving an entire universe that will never be explored, a space with grand feelings and grand thoughts you'll never know, never learn about and from. cos that's the way the life/death thing works, you can never know while you're alive.
frog: did you say something? it got so boring so i stopped listening. you were dying on me, Doc. did you know i was Kermit The Frog's original design?
Doctor: i'll miss you. you're a metaphor for how i haven't found my prince, my man yet, haven't married yet. it sucks being a woman, so much societal pressure.

* dad: so i guess we'll go to Oslo. that's where they make Olympic gold medals under the table.
Hanne: wait, Ryan! don't go before i give you a big hug! wow, you're muscular, didn't notice before.
Ryan: give it five years, kid...

* Ryan: why you cryin', old man? you crying hard.
Graham: i lost her again. Nan.
Ryan: i've already forgotten about Nan, that's what the psychiatrists say to do, right? to heal?
Graham: there's one thing i never got a chance to do with Nan. so you're gonna have to fill in for her in her stead. kiss me, Ryan.
Ryan: bro i was about to call you Grandpa but not now! not ever! you lost your chance! next time i call you Gran it means you owe me a thou in pounds for the cover charge to the gaming tournament! video games were cheap in your day. i am Miles Morales the cop's son but you are no cop! my hands are in the perfect positions for thwipping web fluid.
Graham: i'm your Dirty Grandpa, son, give me your cheek.
Doctor: "Love Is Blind" is another one...