Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Game Plan"

learned:

* tech addiction episode. done with all the seriousness that subject calls for. perfectly inline with the South Korean tech-addiction problem, Cinderella laws and such...
Sarah: i'm the South Korean Cinderella.

* girl: i'm on Level 2!
Chip: your "Southern" accent is showing.

* Preston: come on, Chip Lynne, the Asian has the tech-addiction problem?
Chip Lynne: we spun a wheel in my office i swear.

* Sarah covers Preston's eyes.
Sarah: peekaboo. where are you? where have you been?
Preston: don't cover my eyes, bitch!
Sarah: you really need to look into that. your father maybe?
Preston: sorry, video games make me even more hair-trigger. there should be a study done on that. i don't have rage quits, i just rage and can't quit.
Sarah: what is that?!!!
Preston: it's just the spider in the game.
Sarah: i know! i hate those spiders! real spiders i'm okay with.

* Preston: no worries.
Chip gives Preston the Jenna Marbles face.
Preston: sorry.

* Madame Odius: teenagers can't resist video games.
Badonna: want me to show you my bad Madonna moves?
Odius: just think if the original Mighty Morphin teenagers acted like real teenagers and never went outside, the franchise would have died right there.

* teacher: what the fuck you doin', man!
Vincent: okay, i'm an addict. but you have to admit, the painting i did of me to fool you is like ridiculously photorealistic. i should be an artist.
Monty: sir, please tell me you're going to art school. we'll be the real Mordecai and Rigby.

* Monty: are you Mrs. Bell?
receptionist: what?
Monty: ring my bell.
Mrs. Bell: what?
Monty: can i have a copy of my schedule?
Mrs. Bell: we don't keep those kind of records here. this is where we keep the drugs and the guns.

* Hayley: oh, Game Goblin is so cute!
Calvin: cuter than me?
Hayley: yes. i can control him.

* Sarah: Preston, how did you afford all these Game Goblins? they're 500 a pop, that's steeper than my prices.
Preston: my dad died.

* Game Goblin: i'm the first-ever bad-CGI Power Rangers villain in history!

* Brody: you fucked up and got an F on the test cos you were Game Goblining.
Preston: that's the last time i copy off your paper.

* Brody swipes at Levi.
Brody: hey! put that down! it's Training Time!
Levi: that was my burger phone you motherfucker.

* Redbot: the game and my brain run on the same engine...

* Brody: try to stop Preston from playing the game.
Levi swipes at Preston. Preston's face.

* Preston: i need help! this is a real problem for me!
Levi: here, take this number.
Preston: rehab clinic?
Levi: no, my number. Preston, as long as we are all confessing...

* teacher: aren't volcanoes exciting?
Mrs. Bell: you gotta talk to the kids at their level. talk about your vagina. talk about your volcanic vagina. the volcano vagina of a sad, lonely, single teacher.

* Mick: i have an idea.........................................Levi, mop the floor.

* Sarah: Preston, why are you still striking at me with your sword? the spell wore off.
Preston: .....................
Sarah: you gotta get that looked at.

* Monty: oh my god! you wear a wig, Mrs. Bell?!!
Mrs. Bell: that's my beehive! i store honey in there! what the fuck you doin', boy!
Vincent: in my defense, upside-down and hanging i do bear a resemblance to Mission Impossible Tom Cruise.
Monty: put on this black shirt. and dye your hair black.
Mrs. Bell: what are you doing in that cellophane pipe casing?
Vincent: would you believe cosplaying Centipede?
Monty: yes, Human Centipede, i can vouch for him, we do it together on weekends.
Vincent: no, Monty, the video game Centipede! this is the video-game episode!

* Preston: i know how to save the day! i have to beat the game! this could take 24 hours a day...

* Levi: wait, why did i have to dress up in green makeup paint?
Mick: i'm a serious actor.

* Preston: sorry, guys. i made you all into addicts. i became the pimp of the school.
Sarah: but without the benefits. namely, my ass in jeans.
Brody: that's okay, man. Preston, you want some drugs?

* Cosmo: ugh! i look hideous in green!
Badonna: oh, you look cute! like Kermit the Frog. you're fuckable now.
Odius: Cosmo has developed a rare case of face gangrene.
Cosmo: i fucked Redbot thinking we were the same species.

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Making Waves"

learned:

* yeah it's what you say to a friend. come at me, bro. bro means brother

* Captain: i'm not the same Captain from that other blog. which soul in this godforsaken cove is brave enough to take on Bruiser? spoilers: Bruiser won't be a factor at all in this episode, Bruiser is a red herring, literally a red-herring fish.

* Vincent: catching fish is like catching ladies. bait.

* Hayley: hey dad! i have a dad?
Dad: not funny, kid.
Hayley: just kidding, pops, you know i love you when the script calls for it. but can we get back to the conversation? why are you black and i'm passing?
Dad: didn't we agree not to ruin the fishing weekend? we'll discuss this later at my grandson's baptism.
Hayley: about that......i'm not a Baptist anymore....i believe in Zordon now. can you blame me?

* Dad: i built this Russian drone. it's used primarily to fuck up elections all around the world.
Hayley: spoilers: it's really a Zord. i had to live with this man my whole life.

* Dad: well hello, white chocolate.
Sarah's mom: hello, tall dark and chocolate.
Hayley: ohhhhhh, now i understand why i'm passing.
Sarah: this is too weird, i can't take it..................it's not a racial thing.

* okay this is hilarious, i was thinking of making ribald comments of the two of them not knowing they would actually date! i thought they'd never go there on a kid's show. nice stepping up your game, Nick!
Chip Lynne: thank you.

* Sarah: mom, he's too big for you.
Mom: what?
Sarah: i mean his stature. in the cove community.

* Odius: dammit, writers, what are you doing to me!!? you're neutering me, which is impossible for a female. this is my time to shine!!! i can't have a malfunctioning RC control! from now on i'm magically transforming this pink pussy hat into my own Zord!

* Sarah: the main reason we need to break our parents up is i still want the opportunity to kiss you in the future.
Hayley: hey i'm all about dat sister love.

* Dad: open your mouth.
Mom opens her mouth.
Dad: come on, Chip, you know how this looks. from someone who looks like me?
Chip: sorry.
Mom: plus, i spit it out afterwards. that would never happen in real life.

* Mom: i'll spin you around on this child's jungle gym.
Chip: thanks, this is the first time we get to use that crazy whizzing-by camera angle. equipment is expensive.
Dad: i'm gonna throw up.
Mom: in my mouth, dear, i'll swallow as usual.

* Mick: i have a bright idea. let's everyone split up and solve the problem by ourself.
Hayley: not cool, Mick, you know i'll be the first one killed.
Mick: i solved it first! thus proving i'm the smartest one in the group. see? who needs teamwork? Einstein worked alone. genius is a solitary path. just do the show about me.
Chip: well that would save a lot of money. what are you thinking?
Mick: Neighbours but on stage, Mike-Tyson-one-man-show-style.

* Mom: you like Science?
Dad: SCIENCE FUCK YEAH

* Hayley and Sarah: we're sorry we sabotaged you two. clearly your love is destined.
Dad: not if this show takes place in South Africa.
Mom: it doesn't, right? yeah it's always in some vague southern part of the world.

* Sarah: that doesn't mean we have to see you fucking right here before us in front of our eyes on the garage floor.
Dad: i'm sorry you have to see your mom like this.
Mom: this is what tightening the screws looks like, dear.
Hayley: on the drone!

* Sarah: Chip, didn't like my wardrobe this week. the jean skirt COMPLETELY hid my ass.

* Preston: why do we always have location shots at this beach but we can never go swimming in the ocean?
Sarah: have you checked out my instagram ever?
Preston: unlike you, slut, i follow work rules.
Sarah: harsh.
Preston: sorry. my Olympic figure-skating dreams fell through.

* Brody: WHOA! Dad's drone turned into a Zord!
Dad: the Hunt for Red October.
Levi: i know, weren't you paying attention?
Calvin: who are you?
Russian Ranger: the Russian Ranger of course. everything now must have a Russian component. Rush 'N Attack.
Brody: for years i thought it was Russian Attack.

* Calvin: you two old people might have saved the world.
Mom: i know, our specific kind of love will conquer any hate thrown by world leaders.
Dad: i have to go now, leave this peaceful scene, i'm being rounded up.

* Mom and Dad: you know, you two, we may just be parents, but we're not dumb as rocks.
Sarah: why is everyone looking at me? i'm the blonde scientist, remember?

* wha? i seriously thought the show wasn't gonna show that neato Surfboard Zord. it was like five minutes left, don't scare me like that, script. that was the whole point.

* Vincent: IT WAS A HOAX! what do i win?
Captain: a year's supply of Gorton's fishsticks.
Monty: why are you wearing that distinguishing yellow raincoat, Captain Gorton?
Captain: i see how you two make eyes at each other. this is to protect me from your love flack. that ain't tartar sauce, kid.

* i admit. i honestly thought this episode was gonna be a dud. like it could have gone down in history as the top dudder, even with the Surf Zord. but i was pleasantly surprised with this parents story that came out of nowhere. no one was expecting this, like winning by 0.01 seconds. i mean this interracial step-fucking is the greatest Power Rangers subplot of all time.

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Tough Love"

learned:

* me: hey did this script seem a little flat to you? it was by-the-numbers which is okay but all the actors were sleepwalking through their parts. Levi was halfheartedly learning the obvious lesson of never change yourself for sex. Madame Odius could be a kickass villainess, she's got the chops, but she's given lame, corny one-liners. slow and low-energy production.
Chip Lynne: i know. i used to be a good writer. i was thought of as a savior. but after getting the first negative reviews of my career, something snapped. i started to not care anymore. about anything. i've sunk into the quicksand of a debilitating morass of depression. i'm a blob at my writing desk.

* Odius: see this sheet music? this is the greatest composition of music since Mozart, my ancestor. thanks, ancestry.com
Spyclops: i can't understand any of the lyrics.
Odius: it's perfect death metal.

* Jess: hi, i'm Jess, the latest Australian soap-opera babe who will slightly hide her New Zealand accent.
Chip: does New Zealand have soaps?
Jess: not technically.

* Vincent: you're cute. and you're breathing. wanna fuck?
Monty: you're cute. and you're busking.
Jess: you're not my type.
Vincent: what if i dress up in a revealing bodysuit and perform faux magic?
Jess: this is harassment, especially now.
Vincent: I WILL make you like me!
Jess: buddy, have you not been paying attention to the current climate? this stuff isn't goofy anymore, it's career-ending.
Vincent: never had much of a career. even before.

* Levi: that bitch stole my song! sorry, Chip, script change.

* Levi: nobody notices me when i'm in the Power Rangers group, only when i'm solo.
Jess: you've drawn quite the crowd. i'm your biggest fan. you're my greatest influence.
Levi drops one coin in her guitarcase.

* villagers: aren't you gonna fight that monster?
Rangers: we have to wait for all the villagers to clear out of the way, go into backalleys or wherever so they hide from view and don't see us transform into the Power Rangers. this takes a while.

* Jess zonks the monster with her shovel.
Levi: is that a shovel in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Jess: i grew up on the mean streets. in space.

* Jess: wanna go on a date? the arcade maybe? i got a ton of coins from Vincent.
Levi: sure. meet me here after Power Rangers practice?
Jess turns into Spyclops.
Jess: in a kid's show, all women are really monsters.

* Levi: you are my potential love interest so we cannot kiss.
Jess: on the first date?
Levi: ever.
Jess: try this hat on.
Levi: i look like a Bieber douche.
Jess: yes, but that cowboy hat makes you look douchey, too.

* Sarah: why do you look like a douche, Levi?
Levi: hey man, if you can't accept that i've become a douche for a girl, forget you, man.
Sarah: it's just that she's not really that hot. she's a 6 if i'm being generous.
Levi: you're always looking down on girls, Sarah, cos you're a 10.
Sarah: my ass is a 10. my face is an 8.

* Preston: these weird words, i've heard them before. they were my dad's last words from his coffin at the funeral. they were his death gurgle.
Calvin: your dad died?
Preston: it's assumed. he won't be making any more appearances.

* Preston: oh yeah, it's a spell. i checked this magic book out of the library. it was the only book in the libraray. it says here it's a symmetric spell. to reverse, incant backwards.
Mick: one problem. all of the Rangers and me and Redbot are all dyslexic.
Preston: we're screwed. that's the lesson this week, kids.

* Jess: no matter what, keep playing this music. oh this dank dirge is making me wet. it's undoing my bowels.
Levi: fuck, is this what Evanescence sounds like now?
Jess: with a little Blackmore's Night sprinkled in for commercial appeal.

* Sarah: hey Spyclops! you look like the Tooth Fairy!
Spyclops: is that supposed to be an insult? the Tooth Fairy is a benevolent figure.
Sarah: my tooth fairy wrenched my teeth out with pliers and gave me money.
Spyclops: i don't think that's your tooth fairy you're talking about.

* Levi: with a veil over my mouth in darkness inside the inside-helmet cam i look like a ninja.
Brody: you look like Tommy.
Levi: which is appropriate.

* Vincent: hey pretty lady, wanna go on a date now? i'm a cowpoke. much obliged.
Jess: have you learned nothing?
Vincent: what? i watched a Weinstein western to get in character. i can't wait for the sequel, funded by Weinstein, written & directed by Tarantino.

* Levi: hey guys, sorry for almost fucking you over for a girl. she gave really great blowjobs using her guitar strings but still.
Hayley: what?
Levi: when you add the auto-asphyxiation element to it, it gets taken to a whole notha level.

* Preston: okay, guys, are you ready to defeat the Gigantify? let's read the spell backwards.
Rangers: we don't know how to read!
Preston: it worked! it was gibberish before so hopefully no one noticed.

* Spyclops: NOOOO! i was so pretty! so so pretty. and wise. i wanted to remain a 6 girl! i got teased in grammar school. the mean girls called me Umbrellahead and Raiden.

* Brody: we like you just the way you are. but maybe it's time to wash that T-shirt.
Levi: this white one i'm wearing?
Brody: it's brown.

* class: TAKE A SHOWER, VINCENT!!!
Vincent: this is no laughing mater. i have Unwashable B.O.
Monty: and THAT, kids, was this week's real lesson.

The X-Files "Kitten"

learned:

* Barba will be back. on Broadway. sorry.

* the title is too cute for me to take this review seriously.

* okay, it honestly took me awhile to cross the i's and dot the t's. i didn't pick up on Haley playing the role of the fat friend right away. when the son came on i had to reverse-engineer that he was also the father, too. i'm not used to Haley playing someone scared...

* Haley Joel Osment: why i gotta wear a fat suit? aren't i a good-enough actor without one?
Chris: alright, from now on, craft-service table closed to everyone but Haley.
Haley: i get paid to eat donuts. child-actor schmild-actor.

* Haley: i'm fat but you wear birth-control glasses.
young Skinner: what the hell is birth control?

* Skinner: Dan Rather was right, this war is fucked.
Haley: MK Ultra is so '50s. Naomi Campbell is so '90s. isn't there anything new?
Skinner: there's gonna be this thing called the cell phone which will ruin brain cells. invented by Al Gore who will be President...

* Skinner: you turned into a Hollow! from Bleach!
Haley: what?
Skinner: as you can tell from my glasses, i was an anime nerd before it was cool.
Haley: bleach is a wonder drug! completely safe.
Skinner: yeah. in the future it won't just be drinking bleach. you can eat detergent, too.

* Haley: i killed all those innocents. in my defense, the gas was yellow, and it did NOT taste like mustard like i was expecting.

* Kersh: where have you been?
Mulder: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!

* Scully: why are you so pissed all the time?
Kersh: i hate being behind a desk. i hate handling all the paper. my Staff Secretary got abducted by aliens Thursday night.

* Scully: this is an invasion of privacy.
Mulder: yes, but it turns out Skinner literally has no life. he has absolutely no secrets. has this apartment even once been slept in?
Scully: what happened to Skinner's family?
Mulder: he doesn't like to talk about it. EEEEK! what is that?!!
Scully: a rubber human-ear.

* Scully: do monsters get your juices flowing?
Mulder: are you talking about my dildo?
Scully: Mud Lick, what does that remind you of, Mulder?
Mulder: my porn collection. i'm starting to get misty-eyed now.
Scully: gotta be careful with those porn collections. do you think we were the cause of Skinner's lack of upward mobility?
Mulder: are we still talking about positions?

* Mulder: ah, the Vancouver woods, the glory days.
Scully: punji stake.
Mulder: basically weaponizing all those lawn darts which were thrown out.
Scully: why is everyone losing their teeth?
local sheriff: we're a small town.

* Mulder: you found my kitten, crazy man? i've seen enough Hitchcock to know you are NOT a red herring. where was she?
crazy man: in the tree.
Mulder: another X-File in the books.

* local sheriff: yeah those deer cams are cool.
Scully: where's the footage?
local sheriff: erased it. had to save room. i use that deer cam for my instagram.

* Mulder: i know it looks like Skinner did it but if you magnify the image you'll see that it's actually Logan Paul.
local sheriff: i'm gonna ruin the both of you!
Mulder: hey, what happened to Andy Griffith? the cool chill country cop? you gotta relax, eat some donuts, there's a guy in the woods who has some donuts.

* Skinner: thanks, show. i wanted to block out that memory. who are you?
Haley: the son. i have the appropriate mullet. i'm like a real-life Rusty Cuyler. why didn't you provide the evidence in the court-martial which would have exonerated my father?
Skinner: i thought America was still great back then.
Haley: Glazebrook...
Skinner: that is a really sketchy name. eyes glazed over and such. you say they spray mind-controlling chemicals on all the rows of farm fields in this country?
Haley: yes. luckily for me i don't eat salad.

* Skinner: where are you taking me, Davey?
Haley: to find Goliath.
Skinner: too bad there aren't any dog cams.
Haley: i watched a claymation video on one of those cams. but there are Kitten cams! look up!
Skinner: oh, the horror! he didn't rot this whole time? Mulder's kitten was in the tree, too!

* Mulder: Haley Joel Osment? you really let yourself go.
Haley: i'm not as cute as my sister. have you heard this late-'60s classic record?
Mulder: what's a record?
Scully: we're FBI, records don't exist.

* Haley: i think cats are creepy. even in cages.

* Haley: wanna see my cool Rambo knife?
Mulder: what do you do for work?
Haley: my sister still gets money.

* Mulder: explain this monster costume.
Haley: cosplay.
Mulder: explain these photos.
Haley: really historically-accurate cosplay.

* Skinner: stay calm, Mulder, i know how to get out of this. we studied how Marlena got out of being buried alive on Days of Our Lives at the Academy.

* Skinner: DID SOMEONE ORDER WAFFLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

* Skinner: you two were my rock, my beacon, my inspiration, my faith in my darkest hour. i need a life, what do you recommend?
Mulder: Vietnam War cosplay.

* Skinner: my tooth fell out. and it doesn't feel like rubber.
Scully: do you take care of your teeth, Walter?
Skinner: no. i've never brushed my teeth once my whole life. i've never used that apartment once.

* Hitchcock plane ending

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Moment of Truth"

learned:

* you see what they did there? they always do this, all shows do this. the girl at the kiosk makes an appearance but when she speaks, she's not shown on camera. that's so they don't have to pay her as "on-screen talent", that would be too expensive, they need to pay for Brody's acting classes. they can pay her as if she were part of the crew, a gaffer or something. get Madame Odius's voice to do her voice.

* Vincent: do these glasses make me look cool?
Monty: they don't make you look fat.
Vincent: good answer, you'll keep a girlfriend someday.
Monty: you look cooler than a penguin's pajamas.
Vincent: i'm gonna store that response for later. i have a feeling that's gonna be a Hitchcockian harbinger, a clue to come as the episode rolls along.

* Vincent: i can't see for shit but i'm letting the world know, "do you even lift, bro?"
Bolt Man: my energy runs on lies. or really, stupidity.

* Hayley: babe i got you this license plate.
Calvin: thanks, babe, i've been driving my car illegally this whole time.

* Preston: you forgot your dime's anniversary? i wish i had these problems.
Calvin: look, buddy, Preston, magician, i need for you to do me a huge solid. you're gonna have to make Hayley disappear...

* Levi: what did you get her?
Calvin: um, car.....pet. pet carpet. carpet pet.
Brody: don't call your girl that. have some respect. i don't call the Pink Ranger Porn Star Ranger.
Calvin: um, car...........no, car, i had it the first time. i gave her a car. with no license plate. that's how we're gonna disappear her, Preston!

* Pink: look, i know i have a once-in-a-generation ass but even i can see this is a gratuitous shot of my ass for a kid's show.
Chip Lynne: yeah, sorry, you're right.
Pink: it's a different era now, guys, it really is. we are living in the post-Baio times.

* Pink: really really wheelie!
Chip: we'll give you that pun if you don't press charges.

* Odius: this episode was too basic for me to make any sort of thoughtful appearance in.

* Mick: it appears we are in a pickle!
Preston: i'm laughing, Mick, but you didn't whip out a pickle, you whipped out your vibrator!
Pink: that's MY vibrator!
Mick: not anymore.

* Calvin: i confess. i spill the beans.
Hayley: i'm vegan.
Calvin: can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? i'll wait 15 seconds for the tinny music to go by and me to breathily blink.
Hayley: oh course, darling, i love you cos you're an idiot. the baby isn't yours.
Calvin: baby?
Hayley: my baby in real life. i wish it were yours, it would makes things easier.
Calvin: good luck with the custody.

* Vincent: you're gonna be like my cute little poodle to attract me dates. ready, Monty?
Monty: sir, are you allergic to wet cement or wet paint?
Vincent: only the dry versions. that question made me wet.
Monty: i know, every man has a Three Stooges fetish.
Vincent: why were those girls laughing at me?
Monty: sir, this book will help you understand. i picked up a copy at William Mulder's house. it's entitled The Pick-Up Artist...

* Redbot throws up the Ninja Stars into the sky like he's dealing playing cards.
Mick: i knew you'd be useful one day, Redbot!

* Bolt Man: i put little cute bolts on your Ninja Stars incapacitating their power. they're like little bicycle brakes.
Hayley: they're like the bolts my father uses on his forehead. my father is Frankenstein.
Pink: they're plugs.

* Brody: this mode doesn't scare you?
Bolt Man: no, not particularly.
Brody: oh.

* Levi: the Rangers can't have guns, but our Zords can...

* Pink: that's so romantic you two get pizza together.
Hayley: it's our anniversary tradition.
Calvin: make that extra cheese. and extra sauce. extra white sauce. my white sauce.

* Hayley: Calvin, this is beautiful! a 12-month calendar of pictures of our love together. the first month has me and my pet wolf.
Calvin: you love that wolf more than me, admit it.

* Vincent takes off his sunglasses.
Hayley: wait, you're black?

* Vincent: the penguin's pajamas?
Monty: trick question. penguins don't wear pajamas, they don't need to, their fur provides enough warmth. also, i have the high score in Club Penguin.

The X-Files "Ghouli"

learned:

* Gillian: are you gonna give it your all this episode?
David: only if it's a comedy episode.

* David: hmmm, it's a horror episode. what do i do now?

* girl: Chimera? is that a new band?
other girl: the My Chemical Romance dude's sideproject, right?
girl: you stay there and i'll come for you.
other girl: that's what my boyfriend said last night.
girl: that's what MY boyfriend said last night.

* Scully: i was paralyzed. a black specter was darting all around the house scaring me.
Mulder: that sounds exactly like that Michael Jackson video, the creepy one of his ghost roaming his mansion the night after his death. still haven't solved that X-File.
Scully: it obviously was the CIA. the doctor was the fall guy.

* Scully: who keeps snowglobes on their desk after Christmas? an abandoned ship...
Mulder: Titanic?
Scully: no.
Mulder: not interested.

* Scully: didn't Cayce also believe in the Lost City of Atlantis?
Mulder: another reason to like him. Atlantis is real. that's where Aquaman lives.

* wait, this has turned into an episode of SVU. i thought SVU came on after this show.

* Mulder: now THIS is X-Files! remember the good ol' days in Vancouver, Scully? interviewing mentally-deranged teenage catfighters in the hospital while it pours outside. the atmosphere, man. we don't need umbrellas, Dana, we can discuss the case outdoors in the rain, adds to the noir potboiler.
Chris Carter: y'know, now that i think of it, why didn't we ever film in Washington, D.C.? the show takes place in Washington, we filmed in Vancouver and L.A. you think Trump will give us a permit?
Mulder & Scully: as long as he's not a football fan.

* Scully: he was a teenager.
Mulder: i'll check his computer. porn, check. lotion, check. pickup-artist book, check. an alt of some kind, check. secret love of baseball, check. Malcolm X poster instead of ceiling mirror, check.
Scully: suicide. check.

* Mulder: what are you two suspicious characters doing here?
Agents: ...
Mulder: stop talking. it's enough that you aren't Einstein and that other dude.

* this episode should have been preempted for the Slenderman case verdict...

* Gillian: and now it's time for my Emmy speech. the speech you guys are gonna send to the Nomination Committee. allow me a few moments to gather my monologue. and breathe. everyone, clear the room.
Chris Carter: the camera guy needs to be here.
Gillian: i have my own camera woman thank you very much.

* Scully: we failed him, Mulder.
Mulder: our son William is alive. but you cut him open during your autopsy.

* doctor: was this window always open?
Mulder: yeah, the stank in this morgue will make your eyes water.

* Scully: you're way too hot to be a shrink.

* Scully: Bob?
Mulder: i say Fox but they always hear Bob. and mysteriously, no barista has ever spelled Fox correctly on my cup. i thought the people who worked at coffee shops were the cool, hip, college-educated crowd.

* Mulder: our only son is dead. thanks for caring.
Skinner: i am stunned. i am so sorry, my friend.
Mulder: yeah, whatever. your breath still stinks of cigarette smoke.
Skinner: oh no that's me, i took up smoking after i became the Cigarette Smoking Man's stooge.
Mulder: i wanted to call him Cancer Man but Chris Carter wouldn't let me. which do you like better, this show or Sons of Anarchy?
Skinner: i don't get to show off my muscles here as much. except that one episode where i fucked some anonymous prostitute or something in the dark.
Mulder: how's your family doing, Skinner?
Skinner: i don't like to talk about them.

* Scully: who are you?
man: a magic Asian in the snow.

* girlfriend 1: oh baby.
William: oh baby.
Mulder: oh no. the playboy affectation. the hair. Scully, our son is a douche.

* girlfriend 1: you look like a real-life version of Sasuke. where have you been?
William: i have these...................powers..............i can make people see things......
girlfriend 1: you've taken all this pick-up artist junk into statutory territory.

* girlfriend 2: oh baby.
William: oh baby.
girlfriend 2: i'm sorry i texted out all the gossip. i'm a teenage girl.
William: it's my fault. for having 2 girlfriends.

* Mulder: i've solved the case! just watch the end of any Tarantino film.

* Scully: Mulder, was that our William?
Mulder: or a kid who shape-shifted into William.

* Mulder: wanna stop at this quaint little small-town gas-station minimart for some snacks and bathroom?
Scully: nah, i can hold it. keep driving.

* Scully: oh hello again, magic Asian. are you stalking me? where are you going?
William: visiting Girlfriend 3.

* Mulder: remember, Scully, if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.
Scully: i was supine and immobilized in the third dreamstate this entire episode.