Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Tough Love"

learned:

* me: hey did this script seem a little flat to you? it was by-the-numbers which is okay but all the actors were sleepwalking through their parts. Levi was halfheartedly learning the obvious lesson of never change yourself for sex. Madame Odius could be a kickass villainess, she's got the chops, but she's given lame, corny one-liners. slow and low-energy production.
Chip Lynne: i know. i used to be a good writer. i was thought of as a savior. but after getting the first negative reviews of my career, something snapped. i started to not care anymore. about anything. i've sunk into the quicksand of a debilitating morass of depression. i'm a blob at my writing desk.

* Odius: see this sheet music? this is the greatest composition of music since Mozart, my ancestor. thanks, ancestry.com
Spyclops: i can't understand any of the lyrics.
Odius: it's perfect death metal.

* Jess: hi, i'm Jess, the latest Australian soap-opera babe who will slightly hide her New Zealand accent.
Chip: does New Zealand have soaps?
Jess: not technically.

* Vincent: you're cute. and you're breathing. wanna fuck?
Monty: you're cute. and you're busking.
Jess: you're not my type.
Vincent: what if i dress up in a revealing bodysuit and perform faux magic?
Jess: this is harassment, especially now.
Vincent: I WILL make you like me!
Jess: buddy, have you not been paying attention to the current climate? this stuff isn't goofy anymore, it's career-ending.
Vincent: never had much of a career. even before.

* Levi: that bitch stole my song! sorry, Chip, script change.

* Levi: nobody notices me when i'm in the Power Rangers group, only when i'm solo.
Jess: you've drawn quite the crowd. i'm your biggest fan. you're my greatest influence.
Levi drops one coin in her guitarcase.

* villagers: aren't you gonna fight that monster?
Rangers: we have to wait for all the villagers to clear out of the way, go into backalleys or wherever so they hide from view and don't see us transform into the Power Rangers. this takes a while.

* Jess zonks the monster with her shovel.
Levi: is that a shovel in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Jess: i grew up on the mean streets. in space.

* Jess: wanna go on a date? the arcade maybe? i got a ton of coins from Vincent.
Levi: sure. meet me here after Power Rangers practice?
Jess turns into Spyclops.
Jess: in a kid's show, all women are really monsters.

* Levi: you are my potential love interest so we cannot kiss.
Jess: on the first date?
Levi: ever.
Jess: try this hat on.
Levi: i look like a Bieber douche.
Jess: yes, but that cowboy hat makes you look douchey, too.

* Sarah: why do you look like a douche, Levi?
Levi: hey man, if you can't accept that i've become a douche for a girl, forget you, man.
Sarah: it's just that she's not really that hot. she's a 6 if i'm being generous.
Levi: you're always looking down on girls, Sarah, cos you're a 10.
Sarah: my ass is a 10. my face is an 8.

* Preston: these weird words, i've heard them before. they were my dad's last words from his coffin at the funeral. they were his death gurgle.
Calvin: your dad died?
Preston: it's assumed. he won't be making any more appearances.

* Preston: oh yeah, it's a spell. i checked this magic book out of the library. it was the only book in the libraray. it says here it's a symmetric spell. to reverse, incant backwards.
Mick: one problem. all of the Rangers and me and Redbot are all dyslexic.
Preston: we're screwed. that's the lesson this week, kids.

* Jess: no matter what, keep playing this music. oh this dank dirge is making me wet. it's undoing my bowels.
Levi: fuck, is this what Evanescence sounds like now?
Jess: with a little Blackmore's Night sprinkled in for commercial appeal.

* Sarah: hey Spyclops! you look like the Tooth Fairy!
Spyclops: is that supposed to be an insult? the Tooth Fairy is a benevolent figure.
Sarah: my tooth fairy wrenched my teeth out with pliers and gave me money.
Spyclops: i don't think that's your tooth fairy you're talking about.

* Levi: with a veil over my mouth in darkness inside the inside-helmet cam i look like a ninja.
Brody: you look like Tommy.
Levi: which is appropriate.

* Vincent: hey pretty lady, wanna go on a date now? i'm a cowpoke. much obliged.
Jess: have you learned nothing?
Vincent: what? i watched a Weinstein western to get in character. i can't wait for the sequel, funded by Weinstein, written & directed by Tarantino.

* Levi: hey guys, sorry for almost fucking you over for a girl. she gave really great blowjobs using her guitar strings but still.
Hayley: what?
Levi: when you add the auto-asphyxiation element to it, it gets taken to a whole notha level.

* Preston: okay, guys, are you ready to defeat the Gigantify? let's read the spell backwards.
Rangers: we don't know how to read!
Preston: it worked! it was gibberish before so hopefully no one noticed.

* Spyclops: NOOOO! i was so pretty! so so pretty. and wise. i wanted to remain a 6 girl! i got teased in grammar school. the mean girls called me Umbrellahead and Raiden.

* Brody: we like you just the way you are. but maybe it's time to wash that T-shirt.
Levi: this white one i'm wearing?
Brody: it's brown.

* class: TAKE A SHOWER, VINCENT!!!
Vincent: this is no laughing mater. i have Unwashable B.O.
Monty: and THAT, kids, was this week's real lesson.