The X-Files "Kitten"

learned:

* Barba will be back. on Broadway. sorry.

* the title is too cute for me to take this review seriously.

* okay, it honestly took me awhile to cross the i's and dot the t's. i didn't pick up on Haley playing the role of the fat friend right away. when the son came on i had to reverse-engineer that he was also the father, too. i'm not used to Haley playing someone scared...

* Haley Joel Osment: why i gotta wear a fat suit? aren't i a good-enough actor without one?
Chris: alright, from now on, craft-service table closed to everyone but Haley.
Haley: i get paid to eat donuts. child-actor schmild-actor.

* Haley: i'm fat but you wear birth-control glasses.
young Skinner: what the hell is birth control?

* Skinner: Dan Rather was right, this war is fucked.
Haley: MK Ultra is so '50s. Naomi Campbell is so '90s. isn't there anything new?
Skinner: there's gonna be this thing called the cell phone which will ruin brain cells. invented by Al Gore who will be President...

* Skinner: you turned into a Hollow! from Bleach!
Haley: what?
Skinner: as you can tell from my glasses, i was an anime nerd before it was cool.
Haley: bleach is a wonder drug! completely safe.
Skinner: yeah. in the future it won't just be drinking bleach. you can eat detergent, too.

* Haley: i killed all those innocents. in my defense, the gas was yellow, and it did NOT taste like mustard like i was expecting.

* Kersh: where have you been?
Mulder: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!

* Scully: why are you so pissed all the time?
Kersh: i hate being behind a desk. i hate handling all the paper. my Staff Secretary got abducted by aliens Thursday night.

* Scully: this is an invasion of privacy.
Mulder: yes, but it turns out Skinner literally has no life. he has absolutely no secrets. has this apartment even once been slept in?
Scully: what happened to Skinner's family?
Mulder: he doesn't like to talk about it. EEEEK! what is that?!!
Scully: a rubber human-ear.

* Scully: do monsters get your juices flowing?
Mulder: are you talking about my dildo?
Scully: Mud Lick, what does that remind you of, Mulder?
Mulder: my porn collection. i'm starting to get misty-eyed now.
Scully: gotta be careful with those porn collections. do you think we were the cause of Skinner's lack of upward mobility?
Mulder: are we still talking about positions?

* Mulder: ah, the Vancouver woods, the glory days.
Scully: punji stake.
Mulder: basically weaponizing all those lawn darts which were thrown out.
Scully: why is everyone losing their teeth?
local sheriff: we're a small town.

* Mulder: you found my kitten, crazy man? i've seen enough Hitchcock to know you are NOT a red herring. where was she?
crazy man: in the tree.
Mulder: another X-File in the books.

* local sheriff: yeah those deer cams are cool.
Scully: where's the footage?
local sheriff: erased it. had to save room. i use that deer cam for my instagram.

* Mulder: i know it looks like Skinner did it but if you magnify the image you'll see that it's actually Logan Paul.
local sheriff: i'm gonna ruin the both of you!
Mulder: hey, what happened to Andy Griffith? the cool chill country cop? you gotta relax, eat some donuts, there's a guy in the woods who has some donuts.

* Skinner: thanks, show. i wanted to block out that memory. who are you?
Haley: the son. i have the appropriate mullet. i'm like a real-life Rusty Cuyler. why didn't you provide the evidence in the court-martial which would have exonerated my father?
Skinner: i thought America was still great back then.
Haley: Glazebrook...
Skinner: that is a really sketchy name. eyes glazed over and such. you say they spray mind-controlling chemicals on all the rows of farm fields in this country?
Haley: yes. luckily for me i don't eat salad.

* Skinner: where are you taking me, Davey?
Haley: to find Goliath.
Skinner: too bad there aren't any dog cams.
Haley: i watched a claymation video on one of those cams. but there are Kitten cams! look up!
Skinner: oh, the horror! he didn't rot this whole time? Mulder's kitten was in the tree, too!

* Mulder: Haley Joel Osment? you really let yourself go.
Haley: i'm not as cute as my sister. have you heard this late-'60s classic record?
Mulder: what's a record?
Scully: we're FBI, records don't exist.

* Haley: i think cats are creepy. even in cages.

* Haley: wanna see my cool Rambo knife?
Mulder: what do you do for work?
Haley: my sister still gets money.

* Mulder: explain this monster costume.
Haley: cosplay.
Mulder: explain these photos.
Haley: really historically-accurate cosplay.

* Skinner: stay calm, Mulder, i know how to get out of this. we studied how Marlena got out of being buried alive on Days of Our Lives at the Academy.

* Skinner: DID SOMEONE ORDER WAFFLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

* Skinner: you two were my rock, my beacon, my inspiration, my faith in my darkest hour. i need a life, what do you recommend?
Mulder: Vietnam War cosplay.

* Skinner: my tooth fell out. and it doesn't feel like rubber.
Scully: do you take care of your teeth, Walter?
Skinner: no. i've never brushed my teeth once my whole life. i've never used that apartment once.

* Hitchcock plane ending