The X-Files "Ghouli"

learned:

* Gillian: are you gonna give it your all this episode?
David: only if it's a comedy episode.

* David: hmmm, it's a horror episode. what do i do now?

* girl: Chimera? is that a new band?
other girl: the My Chemical Romance dude's sideproject, right?
girl: you stay there and i'll come for you.
other girl: that's what my boyfriend said last night.
girl: that's what MY boyfriend said last night.

* Scully: i was paralyzed. a black specter was darting all around the house scaring me.
Mulder: that sounds exactly like that Michael Jackson video, the creepy one of his ghost roaming his mansion the night after his death. still haven't solved that X-File.
Scully: it obviously was the CIA. the doctor was the fall guy.

* Scully: who keeps snowglobes on their desk after Christmas? an abandoned ship...
Mulder: Titanic?
Scully: no.
Mulder: not interested.

* Scully: didn't Cayce also believe in the Lost City of Atlantis?
Mulder: another reason to like him. Atlantis is real. that's where Aquaman lives.

* wait, this has turned into an episode of SVU. i thought SVU came on after this show.

* Mulder: now THIS is X-Files! remember the good ol' days in Vancouver, Scully? interviewing mentally-deranged teenage catfighters in the hospital while it pours outside. the atmosphere, man. we don't need umbrellas, Dana, we can discuss the case outdoors in the rain, adds to the noir potboiler.
Chris Carter: y'know, now that i think of it, why didn't we ever film in Washington, D.C.? the show takes place in Washington, we filmed in Vancouver and L.A. you think Trump will give us a permit?
Mulder & Scully: as long as he's not a football fan.

* Scully: he was a teenager.
Mulder: i'll check his computer. porn, check. lotion, check. pickup-artist book, check. an alt of some kind, check. secret love of baseball, check. Malcolm X poster instead of ceiling mirror, check.
Scully: suicide. check.

* Mulder: what are you two suspicious characters doing here?
Agents: ...
Mulder: stop talking. it's enough that you aren't Einstein and that other dude.

* this episode should have been preempted for the Slenderman case verdict...

* Gillian: and now it's time for my Emmy speech. the speech you guys are gonna send to the Nomination Committee. allow me a few moments to gather my monologue. and breathe. everyone, clear the room.
Chris Carter: the camera guy needs to be here.
Gillian: i have my own camera woman thank you very much.

* Scully: we failed him, Mulder.
Mulder: our son William is alive. but you cut him open during your autopsy.

* doctor: was this window always open?
Mulder: yeah, the stank in this morgue will make your eyes water.

* Scully: you're way too hot to be a shrink.

* Scully: Bob?
Mulder: i say Fox but they always hear Bob. and mysteriously, no barista has ever spelled Fox correctly on my cup. i thought the people who worked at coffee shops were the cool, hip, college-educated crowd.

* Mulder: our only son is dead. thanks for caring.
Skinner: i am stunned. i am so sorry, my friend.
Mulder: yeah, whatever. your breath still stinks of cigarette smoke.
Skinner: oh no that's me, i took up smoking after i became the Cigarette Smoking Man's stooge.
Mulder: i wanted to call him Cancer Man but Chris Carter wouldn't let me. which do you like better, this show or Sons of Anarchy?
Skinner: i don't get to show off my muscles here as much. except that one episode where i fucked some anonymous prostitute or something in the dark.
Mulder: how's your family doing, Skinner?
Skinner: i don't like to talk about them.

* Scully: who are you?
man: a magic Asian in the snow.

* girlfriend 1: oh baby.
William: oh baby.
Mulder: oh no. the playboy affectation. the hair. Scully, our son is a douche.

* girlfriend 1: you look like a real-life version of Sasuke. where have you been?
William: i have these...................powers..............i can make people see things......
girlfriend 1: you've taken all this pick-up artist junk into statutory territory.

* girlfriend 2: oh baby.
William: oh baby.
girlfriend 2: i'm sorry i texted out all the gossip. i'm a teenage girl.
William: it's my fault. for having 2 girlfriends.

* Mulder: i've solved the case! just watch the end of any Tarantino film.

* Scully: Mulder, was that our William?
Mulder: or a kid who shape-shifted into William.

* Mulder: wanna stop at this quaint little small-town gas-station minimart for some snacks and bathroom?
Scully: nah, i can hold it. keep driving.

* Scully: oh hello again, magic Asian. are you stalking me? where are you going?
William: visiting Girlfriend 3.

* Mulder: remember, Scully, if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything.
Scully: i was supine and immobilized in the third dreamstate this entire episode.