Doctor Who "Resolution"

notes:

* Chibnall: SEE I TOLD YOU!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!! I'M A GENIUS!!! i done sumpin Steve and that other gay writer who came before never dreamt of, the first Doctor Who New Year's Special. those other blokes were wringing their hands trying to force-fit their brilliant Doctor Who story into a craven Christmas theme and it never worked out cos this show is too dark for all that. now i'm free of that bird box.
Yas: well you did have to include a lot of New Year's stuff like the fireworks...
Chibnall: yeah but that's cos this is new, next year's will just be a straight story.
RTD: not cool, man.
Chibnall: plus i get to have my explosions in a holiday special! you can't have death and destruction at Christmastime!

* narrator: a long time ago...in a galaxy far far away...not a tv ad for Trivago island vacations...
Graham: hey you that annoying Hunter x Hunter narrator bloke everyone hates, get outta here!

* narrator: during the Braveheart years, before everyone knew Mel was a hot mess in the head, the only problems Earth had to deal with was a tiny little Krang too big for his metal britches. this Dalek cried all the time cos his only casing was Pampers diapers. Conan the Barbarian did his part, Aquaman of course did his part, but tiny little Robin Hood was a little too cocky for his britches which were put on too tight by Maid Marian after lovemaking cos she claimed he put on her chastity belt too tight on her, and Robin was felled by his own arrow.

* highway robbers: that's it? you ain't got no gold? are you sure we nabbed the real Robin Hood?
Robin Hood: hi guys, this arrow in me really hurts but i'm trying to act tough to counter my image. i'm Robin Hood but i'm Bryan Adams.
highway robbers: that's the worst Robin Hood! where's the gold?
Bryan Adams: well i punched it into dust to counter my image and i hear it's good as a powder for my acne.

* Lin: before we start, i'm definitely more famous than you in the British soap world or something, i can just tell.
Mitch: …
Lin: your name can't be Mitch, it must be short for a long unpronounceable Indian name.
Mitch: you're incredibly attracted to me simply becauise i'm Indian, right?
Lin: yes. as you can see i'm a boring white girl from the trackie flats, i need dark and swarthy to excite me.
Mitch: so that kiss we had...
Lin: i mean you told me you had something caught in your teeth and wanted me to get it out of your mouth with my tongue cos you said i had a weird smile, completely platonic and scientific. i dunno…
Mitch: think about it. i'm taking off my lab coat now...
Lin: don't, this area is hazardous.
Mitch: no, for the sex. we can only do it here cos i live in the streets. i'm a college student.
Lin: i've never done it with a real college student. i'm a dinosaur fan ever since Barney with no degree, still gotta take the SATs. i live with my mum.
Mitch: i'm an amateur paleontologist, i study the oldness of when Dctor Who was good in the '70s...

* Ryan: oh wow, look at these fireworks!
The Doctor: solar fireworks, space fireworks. everytime you see an explosion light up the barren black of space sky, another centuries-old civilization is gone forever from the outer rim.
Graham: hey Doc, wanna pull my Christmas cracker?...
Yas: where to next, Doctor?
Doctor: Sheffield.
Graham: fuck Sheffield.

* Doctor: word of warning, the TARDIS doesn't do well when we're just traveling in and around Sheffield.
Graham: as the bus driver, i was proud to make the Sheffield streets clogged for generations to come.
Mitch: i'm the romantic in this pairing, you're the Scully.
Lin: you're making me go spare.
Mitch: so you fancy me Prince Harry?
Lin: remove that Hamlet skull form your clutches, you're no actor.
Mitch: holy fuck it's the TARDIS! what up, guys?!!
Doctor: take me to your leader.
Mitch: Lin is my queen.
Doctor: fast learner this one.

* Lin: what are you? you're like, a small harmless Kraken? a Krang?
Dalek: hey, i was slumbering for a billion years when this arrow woke me up. the arrow was my only sexual companion for eons, you know how humiliating that is? i'm a man! i'm a warmonger!
Bryan Adams: right? it's hard to cultivate an image when the public already sees you one way as one thing.
Doctor: hey Dalek, wanna trade vibrators? there's a path to peace. ew, what's with all this goo on my fingers?
Graham: one night with the Doctor in her new form...

* Doctor: good news, we're home. bad news, we're gonna have to land the TARDIS inside your flat. your flat will be destroyed.
Ryan: that's okay, my dad will always buy me another flat.
Doctor: is that the intruder-alert signal?
Graham: the doorbell, love? yeah i suppose it is. it's a Ring Doorbell that allows you to see who the porch pirate is.
Ryan: DAD, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! *goes to hug his dad*
Graham: wrong number.
Ryan's dad Aaron: yeah it really was a wrong number, lad. i was selling here by mistake. had no idea you lived here.

* Ryan: dad hug me! i can't properly hug cos of my hand.
Aaron: too much masturbation, son?

* Yas: it's complicated.
Doctor: fathers are. i never had a father, i just sort of appeared from thin air one day. now that i'm a girl who am i gonna marry if i don't have a father for my boyfriend to copy?
Yas: you can tell me anything. did your father hurt you?
Doctor: what are you supposed to do when God makes fun of you?

* Ryan: so does anyone know a quiet coffee shop where we can catch up?
Yas: there's a Dave & Buster's around the corner but the Jurassic Park VR interactive video-game game is gone.
Aaron: i once sold a T Rex a pair of those Steven Universe limb enchancers…

* Lin's mom: pet, you want tea? i'm afraid it's only gonna be tea this time, not food.
Lin: it's okay mom, don't bother me in the bathroom, i'm pregnant.
Dalek: i've surrounded your whole body.
Lin: i swear if you unhook my bra i'll punch you in the nose with my screaming fist.
Dalek: i don't have a nose. Doctor Who Nose.

* Doctor: Ryan's dad, you were a bitch at the funeral. for no-showing.
Aaron: what the fuck. why are you so cutthroat without any of the human social lubricants for easing faults to be polite?
Dalek to Lin: resistance is futile!
Doctor: yeah, the Dalek got me inspired, apparently i'm sill learning to be human, i'm like Data with the social foibles and no finesse.

* Lin: it's very hard to drive this way.
Dalek: with me inside your vagina?
Lin: no, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road.
police bobby: love, you know how fast you were driving?
Lin: but it's an F1 race course.
police bobby: unless you're a walk-on girl i'm gonna have to write you up.
Lin: they discontinued that sexist practice in darts a month ago!
bobby's partner: bloody hell, my partner's feet are up getting swallowed by another driver's-seat window again, he just can't keep his grubby fingers off the female rulebreakers!
Lin: i tried to kill the man and have you the female the hero but the Dalek wanted none of that, sorry.
female bobby: it's okay, i still have my heroin. where's a brave cop when you need it? where's Yas?

* Ryan: don't mess this up for me, dad, this will be the finest acting i ever do...possibly ever, who knows if i'll get more scripts after this dismal gig.
Chibnall: FINALLY! no more stupid space timey-wimey stuff, straight Broadchurch drama, my cup of tea!
Aaron: is this how you talk to your dad?
Ryan: you punched me in the hand and gave me dyspraxia.
Aaron: i know, son, but that's the drugs talking. not me. i'm a con man. but what's the best part of that word?: man. i'm a man! who roots for Man! i sold ice to an eskimo. wanna buy a microwave that pops popcorn?
Ryan: dad, no one eats microwave popcorn anymore! everyone goes to the theatre for popcorn, everyone knows that! great! your acting supplanted mine!
Aaron: well of course it did, son, don't you recognize me? i'm Idris Fucking Elba!

* Mitch: it's a running joke between us, she always keeps her phone on, she's an instareplyer.
Yas: so you're saying your new girlfriend is desperate?
Mitch: my girlfriend can't run...
Doctor: i dunno, isn't it better to be that than somone who never answers texts?
Graham: yeah Doc, you've never answered any of my risky texts to you.

* Aaron: what's with this brown cardboard box?
Graham: my attempt at the Bird Box Challenge. look at all these crayon drawings from the '80s.
Aaron: i drew these as a kid?
Graham: no i crayoned all these now. in 2019.
Aaron: but they look like some kid drew them.

* Graham: in English, Doc. i mean in British.
Doctor: psychopathic squishy alien, not cute. let me get help.
operator: hello, this is Janine Melnitz, how may i direct your call?
Doctor: Numbnuts? why is your voice so nasally, is it the connection?
Janine: this is my actual voice, this is how all New Yawk women speak. we all chew gum while we're on the phone, too. can't help you, there's a government shutdown due to Brexit.
me, Phoenix: even as a lowly American bloke i could sense the heavy enormity and force of this joke.
Doctor: hey, we British made fun of Trump in the last one, so...

* Doctor: so...i'm afraid...Brexit…
Graham: but Brexit is impossible.
Doctor: *eyes light up* wait! Brexit is The Impossible Child!
Graham: yeah! the child who can never get its way!

* Dalek Lin: *in vocoder voice* i am a better blacksmith than the Doctor! i don't make vibrators!
blacksmith: oi mate, what are you...
Dalek Lin: Dalek...
blacksmith: there's no Daylight Savings Time in Brexit Britain! why did you kill me!?
Dalek Lin: my scan says you look like Ben Roethlisberger. don't ever do that to a man in practice, what you told Antonio Brown to do was humiliating and cost the Steelers the season. can't you show up people with just your big head? and therefore never send to know for whom the Le'Veon Bell tolls, it tolls for thee.  

* Doctor: *does a spin* check me out. you still don't know who i am?
Dalek: scanning......two vaginas...
Doctor: oi mate i am a feminist for sure!

* Dalek: what is this? what have you done to me?
Doctor: it's just a hologram.
Dalek: oh, okay, i thought i was dead. cos when i think of holograms i think of Tupac.

* Dalek: your puny weapons can't injure me! i got the nuclear football!
army: quick! call President Trump! he'll save the world!
Dalek: the code is binary, Trump's only into threesomes. now hold still while i give each of you nice soldiers your X-ray...we've got to see what's wrong with you...

* Doctor: i know your weakness, we used to be friends, remember?
Dalek: …
Doctor: you took me out on a date once on Skaro.
Dalek: okay i confess! i can't resist microwave popcorn!
Doctor: do it, Ryan's dad! save the day!
Dalek: i'm melting! melting without water!
Dalek: i confess! i took the Doctor to go see The Terminator, that's where i learned all my gun-holding moves from!

* Ryan: dad, don't make me say i love you.
Aaron: you just did. i am the best con.
Ryan: hey, pretty good with my dyspraxic hand, you reckon?
Doctor: oh yeah, Ryan, i forgot you had that. your dad is still a putz tho. i got skid marks, the good skid, the sliding kind. my New Year's Resolution is to have more Doctor Who in 2019...

* Ryan: don't worry, pops, the Fam will take good care of me.
Aaron: i have no son, i'm a con man, onto the next. thank u, next. hello, pretty lady, would you like for me to sell you on how to become a man again?
Doctor: uh, no thanks.
Aaron: i'm gonna join UNIT cos i have the biggest unit.
Lin: i was gonna date you but this is Idris Fucking Elba, you know? i'm a white girl.
Mitch: i get it. so, Fam, room in that TARDIS for one more?
Yas: well yes, technically, spatially dimension-wise, but there simply cannot dramatically be a Fourth Companion, right, Chibnall?
Chibnall gives Yas the middle finger.

* Chibnall: what!? where are my ratings for this they should be through the roof! it was a riproaring adventure, it's the best thing i've ever written, i used a Dalek to ENSURE success!
Doctor: yeah this New Year's thing is weird, it's like the stations take THIS WHOLE WEEK off as vacation, everything starts back again Jan 7. everyone is still on vacation, not watching tv, no ratings registered...