Doctor Who "Arachnids in the UK"

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Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Magic Misfire"

notes:

* what's up with all the episodes of this show having alternate titles? like not just one, ALL of them do. it's rough-draft city for Chip Lynne and co. most of the time they go with the least-interesting choice of the pair. "A Simple Mistake" is the more poetic title for this episode so full of twists and turns. like the band Simple Plan.

* nevermind, Magic Misfire is a tv trope, so...

* Tynamon: spoilers: Mick will cry hard this episode...

* Preston: keep practicing your magic, kids, don't worry about making mistakes. you, girl, we don't want to pay you so your line will be said offscreen. this has nothing to do with Harry Potter or Satanism, it's messy magic, the magic which makes a mess. not Messi magic.

* Victor: we do the magic to get the girls. to attract them, snicker snicker.
Preston: i have the perfect girl for you, Victor, her voice is offscreened.

* Drama: hi, i'm the drama teacher, remember me? i look like your typical high-school drama teacher who was spurned for the original Broadway run of Cats so had to join the off-Broadway Cats cast and am still not over it, taking out my anger on my hapless students who couldn't act out of a paper bag. BUT i have a manly voice, not an effeminate one, which is different.

* Preston: sleep. no, this isn't hypnotism, i really want you to sleep. my magic is awesome but my aim is not yet true. even after Season 2.

* Principal: what the fuck! you're sleeping on the job?! you know how many teachers would love to sleep through their own boring lectures? you're fired!
Drama: i hate the poitical climate of this current administration.
Principal: and take your brown cardboard-cube box with you! what do you think this is, Nintendo GameCube? why is there a bee in my mouth?
Drama: is that a euphemism for something? do i at least get benefits?
Principal: you are sick, sir!
Drama: no, my salary. you have never paid me in the entire 30 years i've been here.

* Tynamon: i want to be big!
Madame Odius: there's an app for that. the ED app, consult Dr. Denzel Washington.
Tynamon: i want to not be a robot!
Odius: why? didn't all you chain babies grow up on Astro Boy?
Tynamon: i want to be a real boy!
Odius: oh, i get it now. Tyrus Wong, right?

* Brody: so we can create a shield with our swords.
Sarah: i wish i had this bigass condom to protect me from my now-husband's sword.

* Preston: i know what i'll do! i'll ease my guilt by being with Sarah.
Sarah: that's not how it works anymore, bud.
Preston: oh. so i'll do the petition thing, how hard is it to gather a million signatures at a typical high school?

* Preston: principal bitch, we got the signatures! let him go! let our people go!
Principal: what? how do i know YOU didn't just sign all these signatures using a different fingernail of yours for each one? fake news. i love how you've colored your fingernails black tho. i know the tricks of all you elites who think you run the world. i want REAL Americans signing these, like farmers, coalminers, and cowboys.
Levi: ma'am i cannot tell a lie: i'm illiterate. i never went to school, i was a singer as a rowdy youth, out alone on the open prairies at night with nothing but a cold campfire.
Principal: *starry-eyed* so romantic.

* Principal: my decision is final. however stupid that decision is.
Preston: i hate this current administration.

* Odius: here's your bullhorn, little man.
Badonna: little man: that's the story of my life!
Tynamon blows it and blows himself away.
Odius: wait, you were supposed to wait to use it AFTER i miniaturized it.
Tynamon: *dead* there's only one Bono.

* Monster of the Week: you idiot! you've trapped me in this cage with you! you're gonna get double-zapped!
Brody: i can't quit those Billy Corgan lyrics.
Monster blows him...away.
Brody: attac/ protec...………………...wait something's wrong it's not working!

* Mick: hello? is anybody in here?
Tynamon: hello, would you like to sign a petition to make Bono the next President?

* Redbot: hey, where's Mick? haven't seen him for three hours.
Calvin: hey Hayley, why is there lion hair stuck in your teeth?
Hayley: *closes her mouth*
Calvin: three hours!!? damn, if i get three minutes i'm lucky.
Hayley: Mick? oh he's off doing some New Zealand soap or off-Broadway Shakespeare or something i'm sure.

* Redbot: i can empathize with Tynamon's struggle, robot-to-robot.
Preston: you should be the next administration.

* Tynamon: NO! don't look at me i'm hideous! i'm really the small driver of a robot.
Brody: it's okay, buddy, we've all been there. we've all wanted to be jockeys.
Preston: heehee, Big O motherfucker.

* Tiny Tynamon: do it, babe.
Odius: you want to be gigantified? okay, but it's not what you think.
they gigantify Tiny Tynamon and he turns into a normal-sized human.

* Tynamon: before i go, this would have been my facebook profile: my favorite book as a youth was Pinocchio. i wear this mask not cos i'm Illuminati but because i wanted to be an actor. i have one credit on my imdb, alongside Dan Patrick. i just wanted to be my final form, my normal size! i just wanted to be loved for who i really was!

* Mick: hi guys, i have to be away for awhile. family drama.
Drama: bitch you could never take my job.
Mick: i don't know when i'll be back, but i'll be around for the premiere of Morphers Beasts or whatever. i know i'm talking stilted but this is not a hostage video repeat NOT a hostage video.
Hayley: what about what we talked about, dear?
Mick: my mother is very sick, but she still found time to disown me. my planet has accused me of eating children. must have been when i blacked out and turned into my lion form.
Drama: Aslan you are not, bitch.

* Rangers: so kids, we're gonna do some unsavory things with our ninja powers to get a desired result. look away now or have your guardian cover your eyes.
Sarah: damn, we're pretty good at causing mischief and mayhem, imagine if we were evil.
Chip Lynne: a-ha! *writes*
Hayley: you dropped your key.
Drama: i own an electric car of course, no key.
Hayley: if you didn't cast me in that school play, i'd be on the streets.
Drama: you were the only one who signed up for my class, i had to.
Drama: Principal, what were you doing? photocopying your ass? *under his breath* photoshopping your ass more like.
Principal: what happened? i'm drowsy, just like my high-school days every Saturday morning---that's why i'm drawn to this place. i like your cattiness, Drama, you're rehired!
Drama: we were able to compromise and make a deal.
Principal: *shaking his hand* management and the labor force. proletariat and elite. two Americas coming together here in New Zealand.

* Drama: Preston, thank you for getting my job back, it means the world to me. now get you and your scruffy hooligan club friends OUTTA my room! i got a Netflix webseries i'm filming in there, get the fuck out, you're all fired! go live on the streets, bitches!...…………...i'm not acting!!!

* Monty: okay, Victor, when i say chicken, you run away...

* Odius: why are your eyes red, Mick?
Mick: i just experienced Hamilton for the first time...
Odius: wow, what an insult! you had no reaction after Badonna and i devil-triangled you but you get emotional over a New Zealand soap?
Mick: *robot voice* i am a robot. sex is perfunctory.
Badonna: his tears taste good. *she licks Mick's face* his literal tears.

Doctor Who "Rosa"

notes:

* i'm not crying, YOU have custard in your eyes

* the Doctor: i'm the Doctor! and these are my three! we're human beans!
Ryan: so close...
Doctor: i figured since jellybellies are beans...
Graham: so close, Doc.
Ryan: cooler when i said it.
Doctor: you know, Graham, you're the first person EVER to call the Doctor Doc.
Graham: you like it?
Doctor: not really. makes me feel like a Dwarf, the useless one, Sleepy.

* Rosa Parks: okay, before we get to the heavy Civil Rights stuff, can we just gab sister to sister? that is one HOT earcuff you got on, woman!
Doctor: i know, right?
Rosa: *tilts head* it is just so feminine.
Doctor: yeah. i still have no idea how to be a woman but i instinctively recognized i needed some bling for my ear here.
Rosa: holla at me if you ever need me to sew something on that for you.
Dcotor: thanks, fam. the chain on it keeps getting wrapped around telephone poles.

* the Doctor gets on top of the bus and starts singing "Come together...right now...over me..."
Yas: we'll work on the song for the ending.
Graham: i know why there's so much focus on a bus, hint-hint...
the Doctor points to her shapely nose.

* bus driver: get to the back of the bus!
Rosa: you know i can take you, nigga. right? like i can physically take you in a fight. i was raised on barbrawls, son, bare fists and sewing needles for fingernails, blood.

* Doctor: i'm detecting a lot of arc energy.
Ryan: IRON MAN!!!

* neanderthal: stop clutching my white wife, blackie!
Ryan: i'd sock you but i use my sock for better things.
Graham: that's my grandson.
neanderthal: you Brits are fucked! no wonder we left!
Graham: you realize that was a temporary restraining order, right? the Queen can rescind the piece of paper anytime she wants! you should drink more tea, it'd calm you down.

* waitress: *twang* we don't serve your kind round these parts.
Doctor: is it the ear cuff? you think i'm gay, don't you?
Graham: whatevs as the kids say. your slop isn't worth these prices. i thought we were actually at a Frontier stop at Disneyland when i saw the prices.

* Whitey Wizard: the TARDIS must be going-out-of-business, i can't open its door.
Doctor: i got it from Sears.
Whitey: no matter, i will liquidate all of history to suit my ends like a sale. damn! my toy gun says Fisher Price, i thought it was a Swedish label like IKEA. like Isla Fisher.

* Doctor: what's the combination for these locks?
Graham: the password is password. what's that buzzing sound?
Doctor: this sonic screwdriver can be ANYTHING. including my trusty vibrator.

* Doctor: whoa, mack! slow down, jack! move your face away from mine! i can feel your stinky breath on my lips and it's hot and i don't want it to be!
Whitey Wizard: you like my beard?
Doctor: dammit, you're hot as hell but you're racist so *she closes her eyes and plugs her ears* la la la la la la i can't hear you! can't hear your racist words!
Whitey: look into my eyes.
Doctor: NO, they're dreamy! seriously tho, are you a male model or something?
Whitey: yeah, probably.

* Doctor: you are quite the strange monster-of-the-week.
Whitey: all Monsters on all shows are metaphors for the evil of Man.
Doctor: let's see i mean you're this white very-young man who has already committed atrocities that only the likes of old-geezer dictators would have the time to collect the kills. and are you human or an alien?
Whitey: that's the central question of our time...
Doctor: cos you were banished to a maximum-security prison in space? where all manner of atrocities are visited upon you happily and gleefully from the public. you are made to undergo banned surgical procedures to keep you from orgasming every time you kill. or forcing you to wave hello every time you see a black woman and her white husband walk down the street. or something? do i have that about right?
Whitey: right is the only way.
Doctor: but did you genocide whole swaths of fellow Earthlings or aliens? aliens who were black? don't tell me you're young Hitler and this was just your appetizer and this is another Hitler-as-a-baby conundrum again.
Whitey: oh baby this is getting me hot.
Doctor: don't do that.

* Yas: so what are we supposed to do together just the two of us holed up in a bathroom hiding from rampant systemic societal racism?
Ryan: what any young able-bodied hot-blooded Americans uh Brits would do together in a  curtainless shower and bidet.
Yas: we are proper fit and are gonna kiss in the last episode of this series, ya reckon?
Ryan: aye. but who's gonna kiss whom first? who's gonna take charge? i swear i've only looked at your arse by accident cos it was so big when you were walking down the street in front of me that one time.................................it's gonna be you of course, you're gonna kiss me first...
Yas smiles sexily.

* sheriff: not all sheriffs in Alabama are racist...but we are all white...
Graham: don't care had sex.
Doctor: kindly remove your hand from off my Gallagher-sweatered shoulderbone, Companion!
Graham: can i call you Doc when we're doing the S and the M?
Doctor: safe word? i'm new to all you blokes and your sick games. how bout i paint the word on the motel wall like i'm Banksy. i AM Banksy by the way.
Graham: oh yeah? prove it!
the Dcotor shreds Graham's bus-driver license in her portable paper-shredder on her ear cuff.

* Ryan: don't let them win, that's what nan always said.
Yas: smart woman. let me beat the shit outta them next time, i'm trained in such matters. we had a black Leader named Obama, that's proper change.
Ryan: keep the change, i want to be a millionaire. i'm a celebrity get me off this island.
Yas: slumdog. no one knows what the next 50 years will bring...
Ryan: let's not think about that, i want to just think of the last Leader, i want to remain in my nostalgia bubble. and that game show with the British librarian lady, remember her?
Yas: you are my weakest link and i love you.
Doctor: i think that's cool that you kids refer to the American President as the World Leader. even though technically I am the World Leader.

* Ryan: okay, this looks really bad, but i'm not stalking you. one day i will be your first Instagram follower.
Rosa: you know how to save coffee? mine always tastes like tea.
Ryan: what's with the smoking punch? i knew it, this secret meeting is a coven, you're all witches!
Rosa: nah, it's just that Halloween is comin' up close...
Ryan: whoa! who is this? let me shake your hand firmly with my bad hand...
Rosa: that's Martin Luther King. NOT Martin Luther.
Ryan: i knew i should have paid attention to American history in my British school.

* Ryan: blood, this is the end of the line for you. you're living in the past.
Whitey: no, apparently i'm living in the future. history is not made bigly, it's made in small gestures. i just need a nudge in my right direction.
Ryan: the arc-energy of history is long, but it bends towards justice.
Whitey: then how do you explain this current administration? my side won.
Ryan: look, let's just see how the Midterms shape out...

* Doctor: CONGRATS, pet! you've won an all-expenses-paid trip to Pat Sajak's mansion in the Hollywood Hills! take a break and breather from these insane times we're living in now.
busdriver: don't you mean Hollyweird? i don't trust a man named Pat, that's a woman's name.
Doctor: Elvis will be there! he won't be singing, he'll be eating your wife's lunch, but he'll be there.
driver: i'll be sure to make the little woman pack a lunch of peanut-butter-and-fried-banana sandwiches. hey, don't tell the missus but i like dressing up in Neil Diamond's clothes. Neil is my favorite Elvis impersonator.
Doctor: that's not Neil, dear, that's just women's clothes. that's not pants, that's a glittery bodice.

* Ryan: anything bite?
racist busdriver: get those teeth away from me, boy!
Graham: you know there's a nice cute lesbian woman who comes to fish here every afternoon about this time right where you're squatting.
Ryan: Rachel Maddow is proper fit.
driver: oh fuck that, you can have the lake! i'm gonna squat on this sit-in!

* Ryan: hey angry old white people walking down the street! wouldn't you rather want to take a bus to the concert? here's the flyer i'm fucking Graham Norton now, mad.
couple: what's the concert?
Ryan: Elton John!
couple: eh.

* Whitey: luckily, this laser gun of mine doubles as a fidget spinner.
Whitey accidentally shoots himself out of existence.
Ryan: finally i'm alone, now i can sneak the Doctor's sonic into my pocket. i use it as a vape cig, shh, don't tell anyone, kids.

* Rosa: i sewed the first American flag. i invented the computer. i didn't complete college like Bill Gates. but you don't read about that in your history books.
Yas: i want to run the world.
Rosa: like Madonna?
Yas: no, like President World Leader.
Rosa: what are you?
Yas: OTHER like you. i'm a cop.
Rosa: the fuck!? why!?

* Doctor: i'm afraid we have to stay onboard the bus and witness history.
Graham: i really just wanted to drive this bus.
Rosa: don't you cops have something better to do? like voter suppression in the Deep South. you're gonna pay for your sins, you're gonna be parodied on The Boondocks someday.
cops: just following our Nazi orders, ma'am.
Rosa: imma stick my sewing needle up yo dicks.
Doctor: don't worry, Rosa, the minute they cuff you i'll cuff them with my ear cuff.

* Doctor: Rosa Parks changed the universe, there's even an asteroid named after her..........there's an asteroid named after Whitey Wizard, too, the one that destroyed the dinosaurs...

* i never knew Who used to be educational. it would have been nice to get the ol' tv-on-a-rocking chair wheeled out in front of my '80s Catholic grade school and watch Doctor Who instead of class one rainy Friday afternoon.

* you know, i'm surprised by how much this episode affected me, the more i thought about it the next day. i thought it would be cheesy, and the gospel-tinged "And We Rise Up" song at the end starts off cheesy, but it got to me. welling. willing. and i'm not even black. but i've always been mistaken for black so i do feel like i'm de-facto in the struggle to save humanity from the forces of evil, you know?

* call me sexist but this wouldn't have worked with someone other than Jodie. i mean imagine the exact same story and exact same cast but with Capaldi. see? there's something ineffable about maternal energy.

* yeah, that "And We Rise Up" song, i knew it was familiar and familial, i knew i heard it before. and boy was it effective as the end-credits scroll stinger song. from that short-lived NBC series Rise about that teacher who gives up his soul and fame and fortune and showers to instill a hardline belief into the hearts of faltering theatre geeks at a football high-school. got to me. i guess that series failed long before it should have cos nobody took that guy from The Office seriously and were wondering where the laughs were hiding. he's really pushing hard with the grimdark, now trying to be Kiefer. there's only one Kiefer, one man with that name in this entire earth. we're all waiting to laugh when Kiefer Krasinski sets off that bomb.

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Monster Mix-Up"

notes:

* Levi: no, no, not this again, i went through this last time, can i be exempt?
Chip Lynne: if I have to slave away all night in the editing bay, YOU do, too!
Levi: people have actually forgotten what my speaking voice sounds like.
Chip Lynne: at least everyone has forgotten your singing voice!

* i saw that male monster sashay there, i see you, Power Rangers, one big happy Gaga family.

* Redbot: so this is a recap episode, right? i can start reading my novel now, right?
Chip: sure, do what you want.
Redbot: no i mean in front of the camera. it just came out in paperback...BEFORE Chris Matthews's book did!

* Chip: ALL Halloween episodes of your favorite shows MUST be cherished. remember how the holiday episodes were always the best episodes?
Hayley: those were cartoons tho.

* Preston: RAWRRRR. i'm a caveman like my brother! not a predator like the T Rex.
Sarah: Man turned into the worst predator of them all. whoa, Preston! you have an impressive bare hairless chest there for a nerd. i of course am a Female Ghostbuster. but unlike them, i fill into this chocolate-chip-cookie-colored suit like a drink from a tall drink of water. who are you, Calvin?
Calvin: one of the Fire superheroes who are either Marvel or DC and good-looking and young boy with a brood.
Hayley: playing against type, i'm a hippie queen who wants some lean.
Sarah: nobody cares about boys, especially brothers.

* Dracula: i'm supposed to be here in this, it says so in the description in the online guide.
Calvin: maybe you're more of a dark brooding teenager-boy with attitude vampire like me.

* Monsters: we're too lazy to fight, instead we've employed the laziest writing device there is: swapping!
Sarah: at least make it classy like with the keys in the '70s.

* Hayley: why do i have Mick-Jagger-lips on my head?
Sarah: you really don't want to know.

* Chip: yeah so this is complicated. i have to get actors to fill the monster suits who move their bodies empathetically, and the Ranger actors have to pretend to be evil. Rangers, let me see those facial expressions when you learned you would not be getting acting coaches this season. that's it! that's it. looks of disgust and mad eyes.

* Monsters: this tv show is ridiculous.
Chip: hey.
Monsters: we meant Odius's tv show.
Chip: yeah, reality is dead. again.

* Mick: whoa! monsters in the birdhouse repeat monsters in the birdhouse!
Sarah: it's us, Mick, honest!
Mick: tell me something only Sarah would know about me.
Sarah: 1 inch.
Mick: that's my favorite wrench, yes.

* Preston: so we're here in court.............i don't want this to get awkward so close to the election but...........let's have this Hearing be fairer than that last hearing. near-beer only, kids are watching us adults behave.
Chip: and act.

* Court Witch: hello, Ranger stranger, my name is Corwitch! *strokes the underbelly of Preston's chin*
Preston: OH BABY!!!
Corwitch: i'm not your Daddy's Wicked Witch of the West. underneath this green Wicked makeup i'm sure to be some babe on a New Zealand soap opera.

* Monsters Gallery: everyone knows that story! it was on the Foxatron News Channel website!

* pumpkins judges: enough with your lies! we treat justice like a carnival game, whoever's the strongest wins! 10 strikes and you're out, it's literally impossible for a govermment official to break the law!
Hayley: as a black woman i thank you for your leniency. when i get outta these chains and take over the Galaxy and become Queen of my own Beyhive in the Sky imma eat so much pumpkin pie you'll take one look at my belly and think i'm preggers again!

* jack o'judge: does anyone have any garlic?
Corwitch: no, that's just my smelly vagina. a special client ordered it to be that way, complete with sand stuck in there for foreplay.
jack: yes, i'm that client, hence my name. if it's not replete, i can't repeat.

* pumpkins: how DARE you think our barbershop-quartet music STINKS like the insides of us do!
Levi: i've heard better harmonizing at the outside of a church. from gators. the church was sinking into the swamp.
Brody: how can you be in a barbershop quartet? you go to the barbershop? you have no hair.
pumpkins: we once had heads but they were cut off for some ghastly deeds involving carving and deseeding us which is our source of life energy. you could say we each got CLOSE SHAVES.
*the pumpkins force everyone in court to laugh for five minutes*

* Corwitch: we're not gonna give a known criminal from the known galaxy a wand.
Preston: that's not a wand, that's your vibrating wand.

* Mick: okay here's the plan: i'm a shapeshifter...
Sarah: you are?
Mick:...sure. i'll pretend to be that Boisterous Bunch member who's on the loose. the REAL member on the loose is my jock when i'm around Sarah but also i'll let that member loose but he'll be easy to spot afterwards cos he's gone fishin' and will have the fishing net on his head.

* pumpkin-proceedings parliamentarians: we were lied to this whole time! witch, gimme your vibrating wand, we need a break. there's an emergency in the Outer Quadrant: Billy is working on a new album and it sounds exactly like his old stuff...

* mummy cops: we're cops and we look like mummies so that's double the scary.
Hayley: fuck...
mummy cops: hold up. we're like representations of the Nanny State so it's gentle, we're your mommies.

* Rangers: aren't we a little old to be trick-or-treating? in costumes?
Sarah: kid costumes yes. and what's with the orange plastic pumpkin cans? i got better cans. i mean where are our cool empty-pillowcase sacks for candy bags?
Chip: the budget for this was negative. thank god for Party City.
Preston: so we're just trick-or-treating now, huh? loitering on school grounds while school is going down. on campus wandering. there are classes taking place in there as we speak you know. Halloween fell on a weekday this year.
Hayley: the Teacher wore her Elvira costume, we were finally gonna see her tits, but no one came to school today. sad face.
Sarah: wanna trade bracelets, girl?
Hayley: wait, are those those rainbow-colored bracelets for after-the-rave parties? please tell me you didn't get the green one.
Sarah: i'm cool, the baby is fine.
Hayley: so you were 18, right?
Chip: i checked.

* Victor: why were we stuck in detention all episode!? it's Halloween, dammit, i want to see all the street Sailor Moon outfits!!!
Monty: it's still a working day, Victor. schoolday for the rest of us, school is still going on, class is in session. didn't you get sick off chocolate last year?
Victor: that wasn't chocolate. we were gonna debut our costumes for the school! i was gonna be J Lo and you were gonna be my man Alex Rodriguez without a mirror for coke!
Monty: oh no, i hear the Teacher coming this way! i can hear her footsteps from her nine-inch heels! RUN!!!
*Victor and Monty get outta school and Dodge without being seen*

Doctor Who "The Ghost Monument"

notes:

* are we gonna have an entirely TARDIS-less season? now THAT would be radical.
Chibnall: and REALLY like Broadchurch.

* spoilers: oh. uh. nevermind.

* man, that opening sequence was as bare-bones as this desert planet we're on.

* Graham: wake up, son.
Ryan: i'm not your son.
Graham: by the end of the episode, you will be, it's gonna be one of those episodes.

* Ryan: this is like the opening sequence to Barbarella.
Graham: see!? we're relating already!

* Angstrom: look into my sanguine eyes and spiky hair. don't i look familiar?
Ryan: you look like a lesbian who isn't a lesbian but looks like one. you have that kind of ass.
Angstrom: no, it's on the tip of your tongue, you've seen me in familiar soap-operatic British productions.
Graham: yeah, either Harry Potter or the Braithwaites.
Ryan: shouldn't the guy have the name angstrom like the heavy metal?

* The Doctor: oh that's nice, separate the women, keen.
Epzo: easy to remember my name, i'm salty like epsom salts. i'm hardass, badass, i got a big body around my mouth, and a big booty, and i don't believe in anything. we're all gonna die.
Doctor: yes, eventually. except me.

* everyone: what happened?
Doctor: we all crash-landed. but everything's a hologram.

* Graham takes off his sunglasses.
Graham: what's the name of the planet we're on?
Doctor: Desolation.
Graham: what was it called before the Purge?
Doctor: Earth. global warming has been proved, look up at the three suns.

* Ryan and Yas: why are we not spontaneously-combusting in this desert heat with the three suns?
Doctor: i don't want to go there but...your skin is helping you. it's the old man i'm worried about......those sunglasses are stupid, he'll never find another wife with that fashion sense.

* Angstrom: i'm gonna win The Amazing Race. we do a tribute each year to this show on tv that used to be cool many moons ago. i have the fortitude of Armstrong from that anime with the metal arms.
Epzo: keep dreaming. i'm the only one who got Probst to ACTUALLY sign an NDA. forced him with my shotlaser that i was gonna marry him in a non-Hollywood way.

* Doctor: what are you doing?
Ilin: what? i'm here. not really, tho. think of me as a Tupac hologram broadcast from way on the other side of the galaxy from a quaint bedroom community named Harlem.
Doctor: but you shouldn't be here.
Ilin: i'm not. i'm like those Akatsuki of Naruto on that rainbow rock.
Doctor: no i mean the live-action Aladdin isn't for another year...

* Doctor: Ghost Monument? you mean that Naked Woman Statue that was up in front of the Washington Monument that one time?
Ryan: *licks lips* that was you, too, huh my older bird of a different feather?

* Graham: come here, son. sit on my lap.
Ryan: oh shit. here we go. here comes the sex talk.
Graham: just cos we're on a strange alien planet with no means to get back home doesn't mean we can ignore what's going on at home.
Ryan: well actually yes it kinda does.
Graham: what do you think Grace would say?
Ryan: she'd be yelling from all that electricity.
Graham: how do you think she'd handle our unspoken quarrel to get us to a détente?
Ryan: she'd get us to sign NDAs.

* Graham: look, i don't like this whole thing, this whole Doctor Who thing is stupid, there i said it.
Doctor: you know how lucky you got to snag a plum role like this at your age!?
Graham: watch your mouth, missy, always remember, i'm a slightly better actor than you!
Missy: ha.

* Angstrom: have you ever loved a person?
Epzo: nope, just a cigar as big as my penis.
Angstrom: there was that one time we fucked in the middle of the oasis.
Epzo: that was just me getting out all my toxic male energy. it's a necessity for our species.
Angstrom: self-lighting cigar? isn't that a bit dangerous? especially in the desert?
Chibnall: just you wait.

* Doctor: i'm gonna be straight with you lot. i do love to kill robots.

* Ryan: this is for all the millennials! video games have real-world applications!
Doctor: so what happened out there?
Ryan: i forgot i have this thing with my hand. can't pull the trigger.

* Yas: wow, you're my nonviolent hero! how did you destroy the robots without killing them with a gun?
Doctor: i watched 24. i was almost on that show you know.
Yas: Yas queen.

* Ryan: ladders, why did it have to be snakes uh ladders?
Yas: good news is i get a prime view of your fucking-fit bum on the way up.

* Angstrom: my homeworld was a planet where there were skyscrapers made of pizza boxes and everyone wanted to leave.
Yas: that was Earth, too. uh, Earth 2.0. otherwise known as the 12 oz Mouse world.

* Angstrom: hey this is pretty cool. we found a snake-shaped boat made of shiny metal and the water in the lakes here all seem to be made of pure-gold sparkles! it's like a background from the computer game Myst!
Doctor: yeah just don't drink the water. according to my swiss army knife this area was modeled after Flint.
Chibnall: i LOVE this episode! we didn't pay for one extra!
Epzo: my mother, she.......dropped me on my head when i went into a tree...
Doctor: Epzo, have you ever considered trying online dating?
Yas: my little sister and i fight all the time. she steals my jellybellies off my tea plate.
Doctor: candy's bad. it rots the teeth. that's my excuse anyway.
Angstrom: *crying* always hold onto family, it's all we got in this life.
Yas: you looked like Dolores O'Riordan just then. i try.....................but there are so many people on instagram............so many potential followers.....

* Epzo: i'm gonna go take a kip................and when i wake from my slumber i shall have completed my training and become a Naruto ninja.

* Doctor: i can't read this alien writing. i didn't do well in school on Gallifrey, i was always the class clown.
Yas: just use your Universal Translator.
Doctor: that thing on my neck? no that's a heroin hole. heroin for the heroine, this is a tough gig, i've had to shut down my twitter.
Graham: this is from the Stenza? they're gonna be our foe all season, huh?
Doctor: nope, don't do poetic stanzas, either. i was more of a soldier on Gallifrey.

* Doctor: hey, flying spaghetti monster uh i mean alive mummy bandages! what happens when you walk into a bar?
Remnants: what?
Doctor: *KA-BOOM* *EXPLOSION* uninvited. cos you're uninvited guests at the bar, standing-room only.
Remnants: we don't eat so the after-meal cigar thing wasn't translated. you are the Timeless Child.
Doctor: what's that mean?
Remnants: you were a kid growing up when those nostalgic '80s Saved by the Bell-triangles Swatch watches were cool.
Doctor: the ones that hurt your wrist when you slap them on?

* Doctor: easy solution, an enlightened feminine solution: no more war. we're all sick of war. go for the tie, kissing your cousin will help bring families together. where are you from?
Angstrom: Corrinshego.
Doctor: and you?
Epzo: Yorkshire pudding.
Doctor: and you?
Ian Gelder: i just do voices, nobody knows what i look like. that was the only way i could marry my partner Ben.
Doctor: nevermind. we'd have to gerrymander the map again, redraw districts and have a Southern Ireland or something.

* Yas: so each episode is self-contained?
Doctor: yep. i got my scuba, ready to swim in this sand?
the Three: we're not like you!

* Doctor: forgot my key, love.
TARDIS: i'm a Ring video doorbell now.
Doctor: holy fuck you've changed!
TARDIS: you made me jealous being apart from me for so long, you were obviously cheating on me with a Ring video doorbell.
Doctor: it looks like the inside of an ancient cave in France! you know i was Ayla from The Clan of the Cave Bear, that actually was the first time the Doctor was a woman. i've always been ahead of my time, the Cro-Magnon to the Neanderthals, i've always been the forward-leaning futurist feminist hero.
Graham: the iconography's on the wall in paint.

* Ryan: Rosa Parks? i'm out.

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Happy To Be Me"

notes:

* sounds like a McDonald's jingle, which isn't a bad thing

* Tynamon: i'm better than you!
Madame Odius: yes that's what the media would have you believe. as long as i know i'm smarter than you i win. we can't compare beauty cos we wear masks.
Badonna: your chances of success are teeny-weeny...like your weeny!
Tynamon: you girls really know how to hit a man where it hurts. i don't know if i'm gonna survive this era...

* Mick: hey Levi, i got a new Lion Upgrade 1-Up thingee for you.
Brody: hey why does Levi get all the booty? I'M supposed to be the leader.

* director Chip Lynne: sigh. so it's gonna be one of those episodes. the ol' switcheroo. the ol' standby, switching voices...it's funny for awhile but it's hell in the editing bay getting all the mouthflaps to correspond to the different voice, it's like i'm doing an anime, it starts to look ridiculous after a while...

* Levi with new voice: i sound like Kermit the frog! okay, fellow Rangers, i DARE you not to laugh and crack up and corpse and have to use MOUNDS of extra tape to get through these scenes.
Chip Lynne: it's cool, this is MUCHO material for the Bloopers Reel we'll show at the Christmas party.

* Victor: wait you're contagious?! nevermind, run!
Victor: i can't run, feeling faint...
Monty: i gave you cooties when i kissed you, Victor.
Victor: i thought I kissed YOU...

* Levi: can you help me out with your magic?
Preston: sorry, bud, i just can't take you seriously with that voice.
Levi: that's what i used to say about your voice. nevermind, just use one of those heaving heavy bulging tomes you carry around without a backpack!
Preston: i have to take them back to the library, they're really old. i'm gonna bankrupt all my dad's wealth paying for the late fee.

* Preston: *chanting* Metreon...
Levi: you turned me into Pinocchio! you idiot! why can't you do magic correctly? don't you study it all day?!
Preston: sorry, i forgot how to read ever since i married my girlfriend Sandy...

* Boy Levi: i have but one request: get me out of these ridiculous clothes, they were silly even when i donned them as an adult. especially when i donned them as an adult. and let me have one last hug with both babes on either side of my small shoulders, i want one more two-grab of their juicy asses.

* Boy Levi: great. well ain't this precious. this is my big acting break and the audience doesn't get to hear my actual voice. what a waste!
Chip: tough break, kid. *haahahahahahahah* but because we don't hear your voice it's not an official gig in the books and this means we don't have to pay you! *evil-smiles*

* Principal: what dumbfuckery are you up to now?
Victor and Monty: we dressed up as those men in hazard suits from 28 Days Later...
Principal: not cool, very inappropriate, you're trying to bring up Trini's death again!? let her rest in peace for goddess sake! 9/11 will never be the same.
Monty: are you coughing, Principal?
Principal: why yes i am.
Principal: wow, that was the best acting i've ever gotten to do on this show. i have a broader range but director Chip Lynne never lets me show it. makes sure to keep me clamped down tightly, always bringing me down...

* bully kid: give us back the ball, you European communist! what the fuck is your voice, boi!!!
Levi: fuck you. shit, it sounded like i said frog you.
Tynamon's voice actor: i take offense at that, you soccer midgets! i have a very distinguished voice that has played on stages from Iowa to Iceland and the New Zealand Shakespearean Opera House!!!
Levi: i want to play with you guys.
bully: you can't.
Levi: but this is National Day of Play on Nickelodeon, i cannot be denied!

* Levi: hey girl. like my gold uh silver chain?
Pippi Longstocking: yeah it's retro '80s, which is cool to our cohort i guess.
Levi: thanks for sticking up for me.
Pippi: can i be the Sixth or Seventh Ranger?
Levi: yeah i'm sure you'll be old enough to do Beast Wars. that was a nice role-reversal with the woman protecting the man, i like it, very progressive, i can't say liberal in these times.
Pippi: the kids make fun of me.
Levi: your red hair?
Pippi: no they think it's cool i have no soul. it's because i have no father. well i have a father but he's never around so i have no father. it's not that he's "lost at sea", he's lost-at-sea in his muddled mind, he has major major depression.
Levi: i'm an orphan, too. but i wasn't left a cool second-storey shantytown mansion like you were to run around in alone with no parental supervision and stay at somehow without paying rent.
Pippi: i pay with bloody pirate gold. i grew up too fast, i come back from one of my excursions with my two dirty European best friends boy and girl to find my mansion has been converted to a frat house...

* Boy Levi: *crying and making the whole house cry* i've learned something...i am ME whomever i am!
the Rangers and Mick all cry profusely. even Redbot cries real tears made of the salt of the ocean where Pippi's dad's ship shipwrecked.
Preston: presto-change-o!
Levi: i'm back! i'm a man again! that lesson just before? fuck it.

* Monster: i'm gonna flatten this Earth...

* *Rangers Zord sequence*
Rangers: whoa! this is like the set for that new live-action Aladdin!
Rangers: Will Smith.
Rangers: plays Aladdin, right? to avoid whitewashing.
Rangers: no, plays the Genie.
Rangers: whaaaaaaa? they should just use Robin Williams's voice.

* Chip: the lesson? DON'T LITTER, KIDS. if the Rangers hadn't been stupid enough to leave the gold star ninja thingee on the ground, none of this would have happened.

* Pippi: you don't really pay attention to the lyrics of your songs, huh? really feel the lyrics deep down in your soul?
Levi: nah, my manager writes them.
bully: can we play with you kids?
Levi looks at Pippi who smiles.
Pippi: fuck you.
Levi pats Pippi on the head.
Levi: good girl. that's my girl. okay, for this special soccer occasion, i've brought in the big guns.
bully: guns! *covers his head*
Levi: a golden Quidditch flying orb thing.
Pippi: dude i'm not a witch cos i have ginger hair. where's YOUR broom!?

* Victor: this show is for adults, we're rollin' round the mud like pigs as a representation of modern politics. augh! it's getting all in my mouth!
Sarah: *smiling* just another day on the porn set of Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel!

The Venture Bros. "The Saphrax Protocol"

notes:

* Sirena: Hank, baby...i still love you...i've always loved you.......it's just............well............i have a brother complex......

* okay, so the sets of brothers for the series finale are as follows:
Rusty and the Monarch
Dean and Hank
Watch and Ware
The Monarch and Gary
Gary and his first butterfly partner when Gary wasn't so full of himself yet and just a number
Sheila and Kimberly and a joint butterfly-vibrator
Saphrax and Alatheus

* soldiers breaking in: wait, we're supposed to be teleporting, not cloning!

* me: Brock, baby, this brutal violence is unbecoming for the show. The Venture Bros. should be fun and whimsical and wordplay-wimey and script-saturating and joke-agander and intellectually-stimulating and you have to read your reference manual for a good 30 minutes after. here, come aboard the flying spaceship in the sky where the villains are ACTUALLY cosplaying like they're supposed to.

* The Monarch: wait, so do i have to dress up to do this play?
Red Mantle: yes, this is a very serious production of USC college theatre.
The Monarch: like i wear the clothes over my Monarch costume?

* Gary raises his hand.
Red Mantle: yes?
Gary: i get to do the scene where Saphrax beds Sheila. Sheila Saphrax sex scene, it's all very sibilant. is it Red Mantle as in the stage or Mantel as in hot lava?
Red Mantle: both, whichever.

* Watch: OMG Rusty is our boss's brother!
Ward: he's not the boss of me.
Watch: i wish we had had this scantron-reader way back in Season 1. do you think Doc and Jackson always knew they were brothers even back then?
Ward: had to. i wish we didn't have scantron tests when i went to college. i have a degree but it's from USC Theatre so i dunno. that's like the equivalent of starring in one American Pie: The Cartoon commercial along Hollywood Blvd.. this was during the 2000 Presidential Recount in Florida, chads were the big thing, the professors all thought i was dumber than i really was cos they couldn't read my chads.

* Hank: so being my subconscious evil-villain Mexican conquistador alter-ego is my true form? that can't be good.
Action Man: i was the bear. and i'm your spirit guide through Purgatory, Dante.
Hank: i'm fine with you as my soul mate. i don't want to talk about Sirena, she's not here. what's the better scifi masterpiece, Barbarella or The Empire Strikes Back?
Action Man: if you're a Dem, Barbarella, Repub, ESB.

* Action Man: you must chosoe correctly on you path to escape this place.
Hank: i LOVE Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Books! dad had them implanted in my brain-bed since i first slept!
Action Man: do you betray your brother or slice open Yoda and crawl inside him? both are equally hard.

* Hank: you know my mother!!!? what's her name!!!?
Action Man: Stormy St. Clair.
Hank: oh come on! that's obviously her porn name! what's her real name?!
Action Man: the restraining order prevents me from revealing.
Hank: did she have us before or after the restraining order?

* Hank: i want to betray brothers-in-arms and become evil smoothly like Lando.
Action Man: only black guys get to be that cool. have you ever had a Colt 45?
Hank: i don't remember.

* clerk: what are you doing here, Hatred?
Hatred: i'm literally taking up space and time. you look familiar, who are you?
clerk: Awkwafina. we all look the same.
Hatred: yeah that's your porn star name but what's your real name?
Awkwafina: i'm a female Asian rapper, that's all you need to know. i hosted SNL and i'm not Lucy Liu.

* hey, to the redditor who wanted to see Phineas Phage again, here you go! it's been almost as long as we've seen Phineas or Ferb.

* Hank: the Force or Matmos?
Action Man: the Force (R), Matmos (D).
Phage: go jump in a lake, kid.
Hank obliges.
Phage: WAIT you forgot your meds!
Hank: intentionally. i want to write a bestseller young-adult-fiction book about terminal illness for teenage girls so i went off them and let's see what happens.

* Dean: i was a crap brother. i ate your cereal that one time...and i ate your girlfriend's cereal.
Hank: i'm in a coma but can you put all that in a pdf file? it's too long. i can still hear you.
Dean: this is really disappointing the fans right now, they thought you'd turn and they don't want to give me the opportunity to have them hear me babble on about brotherly bond and love and forgiveness to quell the situation with mollifying mawkishness.
Hank: okay, Dean, i'll forgive you IF you get Sirena back for me.
Dean: that's the thing, Sirena's not here...she's not here for some reason...

* Dean: i liked that 98 Degrees song...
Hank: you only liked that song out of guilt when that boyband guy died of cancer...

* Awkwafina: see he's gone. "gone". i'm trying to make a joke.

* Hank: you'll never see me again, brother, but i can see you. i live now in the shadows and ice and snow and stuff. and wind. i must betray my family to get stronger.
Dean: that's dark, bro. as in Darkman. i wish you'd have gone with the Incredible Hulk sad music by the side of the road with the hitchhiker thumb instead. like The Galaxy.
Hank: i think i brought the wrong mask for my dramatic-reveal episode tag...

* Gary: i'm Level 10!!!
Sheila: that's a 01, 01, clerical error clerical error! clerical error like the Nixon Tapes.

* The Monarch: *hangdog* i was given the chance to shiv my brother. but i couldn't go through with it. you know i never realized how much Rusty and i look alike. look at our faces, it's the same face. that just shows how great my Monarch cosplay was that the audience never noticed all these years.
Rusty: and my glasses helped to hide it, too.

* Red Mantle: haha, it was all a test! you see me laughing? i never laugh.
The Monarch: phew!
Red Mantle: now hand in your scantron.
The Monarch: scantron? do you take red hands instead?

* The Monarch: so Sheila baby, you and Kimberly, huh? you kept it a secret.
Sheila: you've never called me a name, any name, you've never addressed me by anything other than baby.
The Monarch: your name's too long to name.
Sheila: i don't want to talk about her......she's not here, not here in this episode.......we never find out how Kim's story ends with that robot wizard of hers that looks like if French from Hot Streets got Rick and Morty money............hoping it'll be addressed next season..............in three years...........Rick and Morty time.............

Doctor Who "The Woman Who Fell to Earth"

notes:

* Jodie Whittaker: so, shall i crash my TARDIS into the Supreme Court chamber now or at the end of the series? hashtag itsabouttime

* this title only works cos the reference is British.

* are we supposed to be off school or something? man, Columbus's image has REALLY taken a hit since the '80s. he really used to be celebrated back then, i remember those Indian dances we would do inside the yellow-on-black tetherball circle.

* Ryan: i'm not dyspraxic, just curious...

* Ryan: *on youtube* so i want to tell you about an amazing woman...who's not Doctor Who.
Chris Chibnall: dammit, kid, i know you're new but dammit.
Ryan: do people still watch these youtube confessionals? who has the time anymore?

* Ryan: i can't ride a bike! you should have named me Elliott.
Grace: what are you trying to say about me? you're the one who looks like E.T. with that finger.
Ryan: what happened to your first husband?
Graham: i'm on the case! Law & Order SVU i mean UK here at your service, ma'am!
me: THAT's where i saw that old guy before! it was on the tip of my brain, i knew i knew him for awhile, gotten to know him over a stretch of time that he became a second warm grandpa to me.
Graham: i didn't murder him and he wasn't black if that's what you're implying. perfect crime and all that.
Ryan: yeah, and why do we have to learn how to ride a bike on this high cliff?

* giant blue Smurf Hershey's kiss: touch the button, you know you want chocolate.
Ryan: just cos i'm...not cool, man. i'm gonna touch the button to spite you!
giant blue Smurf Hershey's kiss: see? it was a geometry lesson. get your butt back in school, delinquent!

* Yas: not only am i a woman, i'm a frickin' Muslim cop. and my last name is Khan for that Convention reminder.

* Yas: ladies, we're better than this, no need to squabble with hair pulled out and messy dresses and stained-lipstick shouts in the streets, this isn't The Only Way Is Essex.
ladies: what's that?
Yas: basically Footballers' Wives for my generation.

* Ryan: whoa, you got cute in a hurry! NOW i remember you in my class. i pulled on your pigtails.
Yas: the teachers said i wasn't allowed to have pigtails. yeah i'm the grown-up version of that Muslim girl from the Sarah Jane Adventures...

* Graham: i'm gonna be the cautious conscience of these proceedings going forward. i want everyone to jump from the train NOW, this is nuts.
Grace: like i'm yo mama. why tho love? the train is empty.
Graham: yeah, that's what's so creepy about it. that's creepier than aliens, which don't exist.

* Karl: this is what i get for working with Ricky Gervais.

* the Doctor: i don't know who i am, but i'm softer and a more accessible lead than the others.
Yas: others?
the Doctor: let's not talk about the past, this is kind of a brand new show, like a really hard reboot.
Yas: i have a feeling you're gonna be my sister. hopefully no one in my family gets murdered *looks at Graham*.

* the Doctor: not to worry, that's just a giant ball of yarn space cats use. and those were neck tattoos, neck tattoos are cool for young people, right? are we steering this show in the right demographic?

* the four: DNA bomb?
the Doctor: like the Big Bang, ask Wil Wheaton. yeah this happens every time you're born again anew.
the four: we don't Regenerate like you do.
the Doctor: no i'm talking about Reincarnation. i'm Catholic.

* the Doctor: holy shit! is this what i do? i'm out.
Predator: nobody saw my movie and i'm pissed as hell!!!
the Doctor: mate what's with the teeth on your face?
Predator: think about it, is it any weirder for you humans to have teeth inside your mouth? teeth are teeth and weird either way.

* Rahul: no i'm not related to Yas, come on! i'm just like you, i blend in nicely with British society, melting pot and all that, i want to be what you want to be: a youtube star.

* the Doctor: okay, ladies, this one's for you! here we go! bring out the sparks! no, not the Regeneration sparks, the Rosie the Riveter sparks, i'm gonna ironhide a new sonic Swiss Army knife on this anvil here cos i'm in the army and wear my mother's boots! vote in the Midterms, this ISN'T a reality show, it's reality! i'm good with my hands, i'm handsy, that's what Peter Capaldi told me at the cocktail party. my new sonic (screwdriver) doesn't have a necessarily feminine design, but it does look more toy-like than the others...

* the Doctor: it'll be fine, i'll improvise, i'll kick ass it's fine. what, it's cool when MacGyver does it.
Chibnall: yeah that's what writers do, male it up uh make it up as we go along.

* the Doctor: Gathering Coils, like that sci-fi movie with Leia's mother in the lead. that huge wall that could communicate how it wanted to invade and destroy Earth and all civilizations.
Grace: so it's like the Attack on Titan wall.
the Doctor: sure, let's keep things fictional. remember, space cats, it's a big ball of coiled-up space spaghetti. you Brits enjoy spaghetti, right?
Yas: yeah but we call it Chinese noodles.

* grandpa: love you loads, granddaughter. i'm gonna be a little late...
Karl: a little early for Halloween, eh mate?
Predator: Britons don't celebrate Halloween. they never have. Brexit was always a thing.

* Karl: i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me..............wait, this particular audio-inspirational tape doesn't seem to work anymore.............

* the Doctor: i used to have long legs. and nobody could understand what i was saying.

* the Doctor: why have a job as a crane operator if you're scared of heights?
Karl: Brexit or something. and i'm overcoming my fear of commitment.
the Doctor: just jump. it's like jumping to your death but it isn't.
the Doctor jumps and falls back down in the air.
the Doctor: NO NOT AGAIN!!!

* Ryan: i need to climb up this high crane.
Yas: why?
Ryan: i need to see life from Wile E. Coyote's perspective.

* the Doctor: i know who i am. i'm the FUCKING DOCTOR!!! i just deleted my twitter account. see this?
Predator: a giant cherry RingPop?
the Doctor: you calling me dumb? i'm smart. i got two brains.
Predator: you're fit, too.
the Doctor: in preparing for this role, i accidentally won the Boston Marathon.

* Predator: your plan failed! i get off on auto-asphyxiation.
the Doctor: i used to as well. but i see all the disgusting stuff men fantasize about through a woman's eyes now and recoil. reCoil, get it?

* Grace on the ground: Graham love, be brave for me. and for you. don't die right afterwards.
Graham: *last embrace* love, it's just...i mean you really don't look that badly injured. the death thing is a bit much, eh? i mean has this ever happened? where a character is offed right off the bat like this?

* the Doctor watches Ryan from afar. then slowly walks up to him at the hospital doors under a grey sky.
Chibnall: this is so Broadchurch, i love it.
the Doctor: can i do my pose as a Brooklyn cop next? there hasn't been a cop comedy since Bochco.

* Ryan: why wouldn't my dad want to be here?
the Doctor: your nan was a good mother. but then she married a white bloke...

* Graham: i didn't know Grace as well as you all did............i know, these ballons at her funeral are weird but that was her last request so we're honoring it...

* Yas: how old are you?
the Doctor: never ask a lady her age.
Graham: got family?
the Doctor: yes, Mr. Norton, i got a husband the lucky bastard.
Ryan: i've seen you naked.
the Doctor: gotta get offline, mate, don't be just another bloke in this world.
Yas: you need clothes.
the Doctor: the last time i wore women's clothes i was William Hartnell in drag.

* Ryan: is anyone watching this youtube vid anymore?................who the fuck gives a heartfelt pouring-out of emotion over someone's most-cherished relative's death and the loss of family 2 THUMBS DOWN!!!?

* Yas: cool, this is like an '80s dressing-room montage.
the Doctor: how would YOU know about the '80s? how do i look?
Yas: like a female Gallagher. here's your watermelon.
the Doctor: my tits are fine thank you.

* the Doctor: know where i can get a TARDIS? and some silver hanging Bajoran earrings?
Graham: any of those cons which cause such a brickyard racket down my peaceful street as i sleep at noon where those young freaks dress up in weird costumes they'll never wear again even on Halloween. can i come along and be your Third Companion?
the Doctor: THAT is more radical than me being a woman!
Graham: i'm glad i got cancer. wouldn't have met my wife if i didn't.

* the Doctor: do you guys know how to hold your breath?
Companions: nope. we're basically already dead. we don't have two lungs like you do.

* the Doctor: by the end of this series, i want to see the old classmates fucking.
Graham: and me with you?
the Doctor: you with Ryan, you got the Grace connection. and i'll end up with Yas cos a good-looking woman in today's media can't be hetero anymore.

* me: wait, you're the editor of a SciFi magazine and you've never watched Doctor Who before? SOMEBODY's been drinking before the afterparty cocktail party that was a thing afterwards. with Wil Wheaton.
Wil: i love how BBC America stretched a 62-minute episode into two hours.

* i feel bad for not being in love with this. Wil Weaton pointed out that this tv show has filmic quality, extraordinary for a telly show, which is true. i felt it was kinda flat but i do tend to take some time to ease into a new season especially after a very long hiatus, takes me awhile. perhaps, though, i'm just not into the show the way i once was. Jodie is a good actor not a great one, but what do i know, i'm a failed actor. and i cursoried some glances at some online reviews and this headline stuck with me: this show is the change we desperately NEEDED to see onscreen. and you know what? that's right, the more i thought about it, seeing the Doctor with a softer voice and carriage takes some getting used to, it's hard not seeing her as a brand new character rather than a continuation, but you know what? the world will always need this kind of change that's not just change but radical change. viva la revolucion, where's my bandoleer and beret and bidet? thank you, Wil Wheaton.

* please let the numbers reflect the actual numbers. not some manufactured unusually-low number from the backlash of the overinflated fear of some out there who spend way too much time online.

Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Car Trouble"

notes:

* originally titled "Car Trouble"

* this episode cut deep for me, it brought out long-suppressed feelings in me i thought i'd buried in the last layer of my subconscious never to emerge again. namely, that i still after all these years have that one last year of college to go so i never graduated. now of course just being a college graduate doesn't automatically make one happy, but it does make one socially-lubricant, you know? i'm always gonna feel bad and guilty about this. sure i'm depressed, but i couldn't tough it out for just one more year. it will haunt me to my coffin made of nonrecyclable soda cans...i just don't have the will to go to Hartnell Junior College...

* Calvin: excuse me, ma'am, what seems to be the car trouble?
blonde babe: you wouldn't know, you're just a boy.
Calvin: i put on my Old Spice Swagger Shampoo this morning but that's besides the point. seems like you have a severed carburetor or something.
blonde babe: impressive. i wonder though if you'd still help me if i didn't have these huge airbags in front of my chest?
Calvin: i was just getting to them, your airbags are punctured...

* Joe the mechanic: hey mate uh i mean stranger, you did good back there.
Calvin: nice truck.
Joe: it's a Transformer from Cyberverse. how'd you like to become a mechanic? all you have to do is drop out of school and become one of those low-energy square-faced horse jockeys who start brushing horses instead of completing 8th grade and never really make it to the circuit and just eat grass the rest of their lives.

* Monty: Victor! this is breaking my back! i now have no more back!
Victor Vincent: onward, Monty, anon, tut tut, uh tuk-tuk.
Monty: this is a litter! don't litter, Victor!!

* Voltipede: you idiots! now i have to go drain the energy off a Kwik E Mart and that Indian as the clerk and it's a whole thing now to do with conscience and consciousness and social strata and representation. i should be reminding you of a simpler time, a nostalgic arcade game you played with your father at In-N-Out Burger...

* Victor: oh this is so cool! look at my lemon fingers bristle with energy like Kirsten Dunst in Melancholia! i can se it all now! i'm gonna be the Rangers' greatest villain! mwahahahahah!!!
Monty: the redditors already think you're evil, Victor.

* Calvin: *his arms up in triumph* HEY RANGERS, I'M QUITTING SCHOOL!!!
the entire school and all the Rangers clap and cheer uproariously.
Calvin: that felt really bad. but i'm still gonna do it. you only have one chance to do your dream job.
Hayley: i dunno, honey, you're still really young, you'll find work. i'd love for you to work at Trader Joe's.
Calvin: come on, guys, you know i struggle in school. what's the point?
Sarah: hey look at me.....................nevermind...
Calvin: um can i have a peach-fuzzee sorbet-drink thingee in a cup?
clerk: that'll be $0.42
Calvin: i can't count.

* Joe: you're not gonna shiv me and try to take over the business like my last brother, right?
Calvin: ...
Joe: isn't it gorgeous to smell that fresh waft off the Sausage McMuffins in the morning instead of having to wake up early for a math test? you can sleep in and watch Regis & Kathie Lee...
Calvin: i never knew you were so busy. all 5 of these soccer moms have electrical trouble? can't get their engines started?
Joe: not when we get through with them, wink wink.

* Calvin: hey guys, sorry i'm late, swamped at the office.
Joe: that's my office, son.
Hayley: *smiles* you look cute in a uniform! *frowns* a school uniform, how'm i supposed to pop out w...white? no, wonderful kid babies one after the other if you ain't a provider? my Rangers check won't clear next year.
Calvin: you could always work.
Hayley: that's a good idea. i'm gonna be a Supreme Court Justice.

* Calvin: hey let me take a crack at the new Lion Zord thingee, i know enough. i know that sometimes 2 + 2 = 5, it's all relative like Einstein said. Heaven is just Energy we all return to, cos Energy cannot be destroyed, only altered.
Mick: huh, that's strangely deep for a teenager with attitude. you're like one of those idiot savant surfers who got their noggin knocked out by a falling coconut.
Joe: hey...that's my boy...
Mick: no you hey.
Joe: i'm a mechanic.
Mick: my fucking NAME is Mick Kanic.

* Calvin: morning, Joe.
Joe: oh, you one of those MSNBC Leftists from the car cabal? nope, i'm out. see i'm a worker, okay, i use my hands not my brains, save the brains for Halloween, never mind my Zelda Zealand accent, i'm a real American.

* Calvin: you scared the fuck out of me! i thought you were the monster dropping in!
Mick: i get that a lot. *points to his mane* it's the hair.
Calvin: i don't get it, Mick...
Mick: no you don't, that's it exactly.
Calvin: i don't get it, Mick, why is this engine-stuff so hard and complicated?
Mick: well it is a huge zord, not a car. and only i can understand the Lion Zord cos only i look like a lion.
Calvin: should i stay in school?
Mick: sure, for the chicks.

* French from Hot Streets: ever notice in shows you never quite catch the headline of the newspaper the character is reading?
Monty: yes. what did the headline say?
French: New York Times Dissolving. do you got the drugs i mean the electricity the blueprints of the electrical grid?
Victor: people say i have an electric personality.
French: you either give it to me or you burn in the electric chair. look at my cloak, i'm a well-lanned individual whose ancestor was Nosferatu.

* Brody: show's over, Rangers win. hey you know, why don't we just bomb the fuck out of that flying ship overhead us in the clouds that broadcasts this silly game show? that would end everything and all our problems, no more monsters.
Sarah: wow, Brody, you should be our leader, not Justice Hayley.

* Tynamon: aha, lookie what we have here-ee. a gold star which will turn Mick.
Chip Lynne: future plot points, man, not cool on the boards.
Tynamon: hey, i was supposed to be introduced earlier...
Chip Lynne: your look wasn't quite right then. costume department did a number on you.
Tynamon: i look cool! like a Jonny Quest villain with a fu-manchu! i don't look anything like that Pokémon!

* Tynamon: okay, Odius, it's time we talk. i'm not here to turf you out, management said they brought me in cos you weren't cutting it on your own. it has nothing to do with you being a woman.
Madame Odius: that's MADAME Odius to you, Siamese squirt! i'll cut you and your fu!
Chip Lynne: sorry, babe, but female villain heads only work if they're pretty or give head. see: Tenaya 7. the thing is we can never see what's under your mask, so...
Odius: but i'm perfect for cosplay cons!

* Joe: it's time to go to work, son, you're late! i ate your McMuffin on the way over here.
Calvin: i've decided to stay in school. i'm dumb but that's a smart decision. i'm smart. now get the fuck outta my Transformers steel junkyard! leave your truck here and get the fuck out!!!

* French: thank you son, bureaucracy drained you completely of your energy. now because of you, PG&E won't have to pay those silly exorbitant billion-dollar settlements in court. can we keep you under glass at our lab till the next fire season? i could talk and do other things to your mom for you.
Victor: only if i get to quit school.
French: oh, you're worthless to us now. hey, look over there.
Victor: where?
French: how can that possibly still work in 2018? don't these young people watch shows?

The Venture Bros. "The Forecast Manufacturer"

notes:

* this entire Venture Bros. world and universe is all in the imagination of a very sick little boy who goes to a hospital on the hill for his terminal condition. he likes snowglobes and won't be comin' round here no more cos this is the last episode. the city dressed up as Gotham City so he could have his one last Batman wish.

* Hank: i don't do cold.
Rusty: didn't you watch Star Wars to learn how to survive?
Hank: the Hoth scenes with the entrails were so scary i covered my baby ears with a pillow and never watched a horror movie again.

* Billy: why does it have to be a suppository? a suppository with a nanocamera? why couldn't it have been a pill?
Rusty: cos this is adult swim, not The Science Channel.
Billy: at least give me privacy when i go to the toilet!
Rusty: heehee, you look like a little baby potty-training. haven't you heard? there is no more privacy in this world. this is the world of Edward SNOWden, get it? Pete would have gotten it.
Billy: why'd you pair me with Pete White? you pair me, the dorkiest of the dorks, with the coolest-looking albino motherfucker who discovered Bowie and listened to new-wave college radio BEFORE R.E.M.!!!

* Brock: pasgetti.
Billy: say caterpillar.
Brock: catty splitter.
Billy: say library.
black Shaft dude with the fro: liberry.
Billy: nevermind.

* Rusty: Brock, there's a rat's-nest of...
Brock: that's your hair, doc.

* Dr. Z: so i made this model of my beloved Jonny at a Shakey's Pizza...
Sheila: good call, the pizza here stinks, you went with the chicken wings.
Monarch: that model's rough.
Dr. Z: yes, it's a rough model.
Gary: that is, like, just a replica of the actual Jonny, right? not the ACTUAL Jonny in meat? come to think of it i haven't seen Jonny when i go to rehab...
Sheila: you are a disgusting individual, Gary. your mind is diseased.

* Billy: want me to do a flyover over Shakey's pizza?
Rusty: nope, their chicken wings taste like orphan.

* Dr. Z: assassinate, get it? like two asses. like Sirena's two asses.
Sheila: Sirena has two asses?
Dr. Z: she must.

* Hank: i must go.
Hatred: you're smothering her. unless she likes it. my last girlfriend liked to be choked...
Hank: where do you find such women in this world?
Hatred: only on Instagram.
Hank: Sirena's left 48 messages i haven't responded to!
Hatred: no that's just another Instagram glitch. you actually have 0 messages.

* Hank: wow, i managed to hit my head hard on soft snow, how does that even happen?
Bear: ...
Hank: mom?
Bear: WHAT THE FUCK? HOW'D YOU KNOW IT WAS ME UNDER THIS BEAR SUIT!!!
Hank: mom always gave me my soft teddy bear...
Bear: but i didn't...

* Sheila: i like that i look like a Russian. that fits me. that fits me well in this present time.
Monarch and Gary: so you want us to kill 'im?
Dr. Z: comic-book characters don't really die. they can't, it's bad for business.

* Monarch: so Island of Dr. Moreau?
Mission Creep: that's a fog machine.
Gary: The Creep?
Mission Creep: please call me Mission Creep, that's G.I. Joe and manly. The Creep is a man who collects G.I. Joe dolls.

* Monarch: you got my butter glider, huh?
Mission Creep: piece of junk. i thought it would be one of those glass butter cases that could help me with my erection problem.

* The Creep: serious question, asking for a friend, when does a collector become a hoarder? like at what item? the 500th or something?

* The Creep: THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME...
Gary: ...is Man.

* Rusty and Billy: don't mind us, we're from Back to the Future 3, the one you thought you saw but didn't actually cos you'd gotten bored of the franchise by then and besides it was a boring Western.

* the lawn dart flies into the air, comes crashing down due to gravity, slicing the neck open of The Creep wearing a Nixon mask.
Monarch: divebomb, heehee.
Gary: where's the pool?

* Rusty: hey bro...
Monarch: not funny.
Rusty: where's my wedding ring? you said you'd give it back when we broke up.
Monarch: the Titanic lifering? looks like it's more of a deathring, *evil laugh*
Billy: i'll go back into the time machine train and solve this and save The Creep's life. there will have to be a consequence, though, you know that, butterfly wings and all, so the Confederacy will have to win The Civil War.

* Rusty: hey Billy, snatch that time machine from The Creep's collection before we go, i have a feeling this could be important to the plot in the season finale.
Billy: how? if we use the time-machine Frisbee, we can't take the time-machine Frisbee.

* Rusty: would you like some reading while you're on the toilet of Saturn's Rings over there? remember, do not stop squatting till the suppository becomes one with your taint. heehee.
Billy: sure. i need a Nudge Magazine. the one George from George and Mildred was reading in that one episode when the audience thought he was reading up on gardening...

* S-464: do you think Kimberly saw me piloting this gargantuan weather-machine weapon regulator thingee up above the Earth like Han Solo?
Rusty: Kimberly is more of a warm-scotch kinda girl. stays indoors, regales us tavernites with her stories of her conquests legs up the stool. a war scotch for a war story. the war of love. i only dated her once, used the Hero-Locate App all the Marvel kids have these days.

* the Bear auditioned for a role in The Revenge Society earlier in the series. i wish i knew what this meant...

* Sirena: omg, baby, Hank, it's not what it looks like. Dean, dammit, why didn't you lock the door?
Dean: the door is a device which must be left open...
Sirena: i mean didn't you think such a scenario would happen?! you two are loving brothers, didn't you think Hank would visit you here at least once?
Dean: i'm pretty buff shirtless for a skinny guy who's never lifted a weight in his life.
Sirena: Hank, baby, we were just filming a porno. one of those college-dorm porns you see everywhere on free sites, full of anonymous naked students. what do you think you see now?
Hank: i don't know...
Sirena: that's good, that's good. let's try a different tack. so you see the 7 F's?
Hank: i think...
Sirena: good, honey! like what? you see a frog? a french fry?
Hank: yeah a furnace, a friend, a Ferrari, a florist's flatulence, and a flame-grilled chorizo Chipotle.

* Hank: oh, so you see Jake Gyllenhaal behind me, too?................*collapses*

* S-464: *crying android tears* baby, know that i do this against my will and under duress. they reprogrammed me. i love you. i'm not hurting your wrist, am i, pet? unless you like it rough?
Kimberly: i will get whoever did this to us!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *overhead drone shot*
S-464: remember, my love, you were drinking a warm scotch at this moment...