Doctor Who "The Woman Who Fell to Earth"

notes:

* Jodie Whittaker: so, shall i crash my TARDIS into the Supreme Court chamber now or at the end of the series? hashtag itsabouttime

* this title only works cos the reference is British.

* are we supposed to be off school or something? man, Columbus's image has REALLY taken a hit since the '80s. he really used to be celebrated back then, i remember those Indian dances we would do inside the yellow-on-black tetherball circle.

* Ryan: i'm not dyspraxic, just curious...

* Ryan: *on youtube* so i want to tell you about an amazing woman...who's not Doctor Who.
Chris Chibnall: dammit, kid, i know you're new but dammit.
Ryan: do people still watch these youtube confessionals? who has the time anymore?

* Ryan: i can't ride a bike! you should have named me Elliott.
Grace: what are you trying to say about me? you're the one who looks like E.T. with that finger.
Ryan: what happened to your first husband?
Graham: i'm on the case! Law & Order SVU i mean UK here at your service, ma'am!
me: THAT's where i saw that old guy before! it was on the tip of my brain, i knew i knew him for awhile, gotten to know him over a stretch of time that he became a second warm grandpa to me.
Graham: i didn't murder him and he wasn't black if that's what you're implying. perfect crime and all that.
Ryan: yeah, and why do we have to learn how to ride a bike on this high cliff?

* giant blue Smurf Hershey's kiss: touch the button, you know you want chocolate.
Ryan: just cos i'm...not cool, man. i'm gonna touch the button to spite you!
giant blue Smurf Hershey's kiss: see? it was a geometry lesson. get your butt back in school, delinquent!

* Yas: not only am i a woman, i'm a frickin' Muslim cop. and my last name is Khan for that Convention reminder.

* Yas: ladies, we're better than this, no need to squabble with hair pulled out and messy dresses and stained-lipstick shouts in the streets, this isn't The Only Way Is Essex.
ladies: what's that?
Yas: basically Footballers' Wives for my generation.

* Ryan: whoa, you got cute in a hurry! NOW i remember you in my class. i pulled on your pigtails.
Yas: the teachers said i wasn't allowed to have pigtails. yeah i'm the grown-up version of that Muslim girl from the Sarah Jane Adventures...

* Graham: i'm gonna be the cautious conscience of these proceedings going forward. i want everyone to jump from the train NOW, this is nuts.
Grace: like i'm yo mama. why tho love? the train is empty.
Graham: yeah, that's what's so creepy about it. that's creepier than aliens, which don't exist.

* Karl: this is what i get for working with Ricky Gervais.

* the Doctor: i don't know who i am, but i'm softer and a more accessible lead than the others.
Yas: others?
the Doctor: let's not talk about the past, this is kind of a brand new show, like a really hard reboot.
Yas: i have a feeling you're gonna be my sister. hopefully no one in my family gets murdered *looks at Graham*.

* the Doctor: not to worry, that's just a giant ball of yarn space cats use. and those were neck tattoos, neck tattoos are cool for young people, right? are we steering this show in the right demographic?

* the four: DNA bomb?
the Doctor: like the Big Bang, ask Wil Wheaton. yeah this happens every time you're born again anew.
the four: we don't Regenerate like you do.
the Doctor: no i'm talking about Reincarnation. i'm Catholic.

* the Doctor: holy shit! is this what i do? i'm out.
Predator: nobody saw my movie and i'm pissed as hell!!!
the Doctor: mate what's with the teeth on your face?
Predator: think about it, is it any weirder for you humans to have teeth inside your mouth? teeth are teeth and weird either way.

* Rahul: no i'm not related to Yas, come on! i'm just like you, i blend in nicely with British society, melting pot and all that, i want to be what you want to be: a youtube star.

* the Doctor: okay, ladies, this one's for you! here we go! bring out the sparks! no, not the Regeneration sparks, the Rosie the Riveter sparks, i'm gonna ironhide a new sonic Swiss Army knife on this anvil here cos i'm in the army and wear my mother's boots! vote in the Midterms, this ISN'T a reality show, it's reality! i'm good with my hands, i'm handsy, that's what Peter Capaldi told me at the cocktail party. my new sonic (screwdriver) doesn't have a necessarily feminine design, but it does look more toy-like than the others...

* the Doctor: it'll be fine, i'll improvise, i'll kick ass it's fine. what, it's cool when MacGyver does it.
Chibnall: yeah that's what writers do, male it up uh make it up as we go along.

* the Doctor: Gathering Coils, like that sci-fi movie with Leia's mother in the lead. that huge wall that could communicate how it wanted to invade and destroy Earth and all civilizations.
Grace: so it's like the Attack on Titan wall.
the Doctor: sure, let's keep things fictional. remember, space cats, it's a big ball of coiled-up space spaghetti. you Brits enjoy spaghetti, right?
Yas: yeah but we call it Chinese noodles.

* grandpa: love you loads, granddaughter. i'm gonna be a little late...
Karl: a little early for Halloween, eh mate?
Predator: Britons don't celebrate Halloween. they never have. Brexit was always a thing.

* Karl: i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggone it people like me..............wait, this particular audio-inspirational tape doesn't seem to work anymore.............

* the Doctor: i used to have long legs. and nobody could understand what i was saying.

* the Doctor: why have a job as a crane operator if you're scared of heights?
Karl: Brexit or something. and i'm overcoming my fear of commitment.
the Doctor: just jump. it's like jumping to your death but it isn't.
the Doctor jumps and falls back down in the air.
the Doctor: NO NOT AGAIN!!!

* Ryan: i need to climb up this high crane.
Yas: why?
Ryan: i need to see life from Wile E. Coyote's perspective.

* the Doctor: i know who i am. i'm the FUCKING DOCTOR!!! i just deleted my twitter account. see this?
Predator: a giant cherry RingPop?
the Doctor: you calling me dumb? i'm smart. i got two brains.
Predator: you're fit, too.
the Doctor: in preparing for this role, i accidentally won the Boston Marathon.

* Predator: your plan failed! i get off on auto-asphyxiation.
the Doctor: i used to as well. but i see all the disgusting stuff men fantasize about through a woman's eyes now and recoil. reCoil, get it?

* Grace on the ground: Graham love, be brave for me. and for you. don't die right afterwards.
Graham: *last embrace* love, it's just...i mean you really don't look that badly injured. the death thing is a bit much, eh? i mean has this ever happened? where a character is offed right off the bat like this?

* the Doctor watches Ryan from afar. then slowly walks up to him at the hospital doors under a grey sky.
Chibnall: this is so Broadchurch, i love it.
the Doctor: can i do my pose as a Brooklyn cop next? there hasn't been a cop comedy since Bochco.

* Ryan: why wouldn't my dad want to be here?
the Doctor: your nan was a good mother. but then she married a white bloke...

* Graham: i didn't know Grace as well as you all did............i know, these ballons at her funeral are weird but that was her last request so we're honoring it...

* Yas: how old are you?
the Doctor: never ask a lady her age.
Graham: got family?
the Doctor: yes, Mr. Norton, i got a husband the lucky bastard.
Ryan: i've seen you naked.
the Doctor: gotta get offline, mate, don't be just another bloke in this world.
Yas: you need clothes.
the Doctor: the last time i wore women's clothes i was William Hartnell in drag.

* Ryan: is anyone watching this youtube vid anymore?................who the fuck gives a heartfelt pouring-out of emotion over someone's most-cherished relative's death and the loss of family 2 THUMBS DOWN!!!?

* Yas: cool, this is like an '80s dressing-room montage.
the Doctor: how would YOU know about the '80s? how do i look?
Yas: like a female Gallagher. here's your watermelon.
the Doctor: my tits are fine thank you.

* the Doctor: know where i can get a TARDIS? and some silver hanging Bajoran earrings?
Graham: any of those cons which cause such a brickyard racket down my peaceful street as i sleep at noon where those young freaks dress up in weird costumes they'll never wear again even on Halloween. can i come along and be your Third Companion?
the Doctor: THAT is more radical than me being a woman!
Graham: i'm glad i got cancer. wouldn't have met my wife if i didn't.

* the Doctor: do you guys know how to hold your breath?
Companions: nope. we're basically already dead. we don't have two lungs like you do.

* the Doctor: by the end of this series, i want to see the old classmates fucking.
Graham: and me with you?
the Doctor: you with Ryan, you got the Grace connection. and i'll end up with Yas cos a good-looking woman in today's media can't be hetero anymore.

* me: wait, you're the editor of a SciFi magazine and you've never watched Doctor Who before? SOMEBODY's been drinking before the afterparty cocktail party that was a thing afterwards. with Wil Wheaton.
Wil: i love how BBC America stretched a 62-minute episode into two hours.

* i feel bad for not being in love with this. Wil Weaton pointed out that this tv show has filmic quality, extraordinary for a telly show, which is true. i felt it was kinda flat but i do tend to take some time to ease into a new season especially after a very long hiatus, takes me awhile. perhaps, though, i'm just not into the show the way i once was. Jodie is a good actor not a great one, but what do i know, i'm a failed actor. and i cursoried some glances at some online reviews and this headline stuck with me: this show is the change we desperately NEEDED to see onscreen. and you know what? that's right, the more i thought about it, seeing the Doctor with a softer voice and carriage takes some getting used to, it's hard not seeing her as a brand new character rather than a continuation, but you know what? the world will always need this kind of change that's not just change but radical change. viva la revolucion, where's my bandoleer and beret and bidet? thank you, Wil Wheaton.

* please let the numbers reflect the actual numbers. not some manufactured unusually-low number from the backlash of the overinflated fear of some out there who spend way too much time online.