Doctor Who "The Ghost Monument"

notes:

* are we gonna have an entirely TARDIS-less season? now THAT would be radical.
Chibnall: and REALLY like Broadchurch.

* spoilers: oh. uh. nevermind.

* man, that opening sequence was as bare-bones as this desert planet we're on.

* Graham: wake up, son.
Ryan: i'm not your son.
Graham: by the end of the episode, you will be, it's gonna be one of those episodes.

* Ryan: this is like the opening sequence to Barbarella.
Graham: see!? we're relating already!

* Angstrom: look into my sanguine eyes and spiky hair. don't i look familiar?
Ryan: you look like a lesbian who isn't a lesbian but looks like one. you have that kind of ass.
Angstrom: no, it's on the tip of your tongue, you've seen me in familiar soap-operatic British productions.
Graham: yeah, either Harry Potter or the Braithwaites.
Ryan: shouldn't the guy have the name angstrom like the heavy metal?

* The Doctor: oh that's nice, separate the women, keen.
Epzo: easy to remember my name, i'm salty like epsom salts. i'm hardass, badass, i got a big body around my mouth, and a big booty, and i don't believe in anything. we're all gonna die.
Doctor: yes, eventually. except me.

* everyone: what happened?
Doctor: we all crash-landed. but everything's a hologram.

* Graham takes off his sunglasses.
Graham: what's the name of the planet we're on?
Doctor: Desolation.
Graham: what was it called before the Purge?
Doctor: Earth. global warming has been proved, look up at the three suns.

* Ryan and Yas: why are we not spontaneously-combusting in this desert heat with the three suns?
Doctor: i don't want to go there but...your skin is helping you. it's the old man i'm worried about......those sunglasses are stupid, he'll never find another wife with that fashion sense.

* Angstrom: i'm gonna win The Amazing Race. we do a tribute each year to this show on tv that used to be cool many moons ago. i have the fortitude of Armstrong from that anime with the metal arms.
Epzo: keep dreaming. i'm the only one who got Probst to ACTUALLY sign an NDA. forced him with my shotlaser that i was gonna marry him in a non-Hollywood way.

* Doctor: what are you doing?
Ilin: what? i'm here. not really, tho. think of me as a Tupac hologram broadcast from way on the other side of the galaxy from a quaint bedroom community named Harlem.
Doctor: but you shouldn't be here.
Ilin: i'm not. i'm like those Akatsuki of Naruto on that rainbow rock.
Doctor: no i mean the live-action Aladdin isn't for another year...

* Doctor: Ghost Monument? you mean that Naked Woman Statue that was up in front of the Washington Monument that one time?
Ryan: *licks lips* that was you, too, huh my older bird of a different feather?

* Graham: come here, son. sit on my lap.
Ryan: oh shit. here we go. here comes the sex talk.
Graham: just cos we're on a strange alien planet with no means to get back home doesn't mean we can ignore what's going on at home.
Ryan: well actually yes it kinda does.
Graham: what do you think Grace would say?
Ryan: she'd be yelling from all that electricity.
Graham: how do you think she'd handle our unspoken quarrel to get us to a détente?
Ryan: she'd get us to sign NDAs.

* Graham: look, i don't like this whole thing, this whole Doctor Who thing is stupid, there i said it.
Doctor: you know how lucky you got to snag a plum role like this at your age!?
Graham: watch your mouth, missy, always remember, i'm a slightly better actor than you!
Missy: ha.

* Angstrom: have you ever loved a person?
Epzo: nope, just a cigar as big as my penis.
Angstrom: there was that one time we fucked in the middle of the oasis.
Epzo: that was just me getting out all my toxic male energy. it's a necessity for our species.
Angstrom: self-lighting cigar? isn't that a bit dangerous? especially in the desert?
Chibnall: just you wait.

* Doctor: i'm gonna be straight with you lot. i do love to kill robots.

* Ryan: this is for all the millennials! video games have real-world applications!
Doctor: so what happened out there?
Ryan: i forgot i have this thing with my hand. can't pull the trigger.

* Yas: wow, you're my nonviolent hero! how did you destroy the robots without killing them with a gun?
Doctor: i watched 24. i was almost on that show you know.
Yas: Yas queen.

* Ryan: ladders, why did it have to be snakes uh ladders?
Yas: good news is i get a prime view of your fucking-fit bum on the way up.

* Angstrom: my homeworld was a planet where there were skyscrapers made of pizza boxes and everyone wanted to leave.
Yas: that was Earth, too. uh, Earth 2.0. otherwise known as the 12 oz Mouse world.

* Angstrom: hey this is pretty cool. we found a snake-shaped boat made of shiny metal and the water in the lakes here all seem to be made of pure-gold sparkles! it's like a background from the computer game Myst!
Doctor: yeah just don't drink the water. according to my swiss army knife this area was modeled after Flint.
Chibnall: i LOVE this episode! we didn't pay for one extra!
Epzo: my mother, she.......dropped me on my head when i went into a tree...
Doctor: Epzo, have you ever considered trying online dating?
Yas: my little sister and i fight all the time. she steals my jellybellies off my tea plate.
Doctor: candy's bad. it rots the teeth. that's my excuse anyway.
Angstrom: *crying* always hold onto family, it's all we got in this life.
Yas: you looked like Dolores O'Riordan just then. i try.....................but there are so many people on instagram............so many potential followers.....

* Epzo: i'm gonna go take a kip................and when i wake from my slumber i shall have completed my training and become a Naruto ninja.

* Doctor: i can't read this alien writing. i didn't do well in school on Gallifrey, i was always the class clown.
Yas: just use your Universal Translator.
Doctor: that thing on my neck? no that's a heroin hole. heroin for the heroine, this is a tough gig, i've had to shut down my twitter.
Graham: this is from the Stenza? they're gonna be our foe all season, huh?
Doctor: nope, don't do poetic stanzas, either. i was more of a soldier on Gallifrey.

* Doctor: hey, flying spaghetti monster uh i mean alive mummy bandages! what happens when you walk into a bar?
Remnants: what?
Doctor: *KA-BOOM* *EXPLOSION* uninvited. cos you're uninvited guests at the bar, standing-room only.
Remnants: we don't eat so the after-meal cigar thing wasn't translated. you are the Timeless Child.
Doctor: what's that mean?
Remnants: you were a kid growing up when those nostalgic '80s Saved by the Bell-triangles Swatch watches were cool.
Doctor: the ones that hurt your wrist when you slap them on?

* Doctor: easy solution, an enlightened feminine solution: no more war. we're all sick of war. go for the tie, kissing your cousin will help bring families together. where are you from?
Angstrom: Corrinshego.
Doctor: and you?
Epzo: Yorkshire pudding.
Doctor: and you?
Ian Gelder: i just do voices, nobody knows what i look like. that was the only way i could marry my partner Ben.
Doctor: nevermind. we'd have to gerrymander the map again, redraw districts and have a Southern Ireland or something.

* Yas: so each episode is self-contained?
Doctor: yep. i got my scuba, ready to swim in this sand?
the Three: we're not like you!

* Doctor: forgot my key, love.
TARDIS: i'm a Ring video doorbell now.
Doctor: holy fuck you've changed!
TARDIS: you made me jealous being apart from me for so long, you were obviously cheating on me with a Ring video doorbell.
Doctor: it looks like the inside of an ancient cave in France! you know i was Ayla from The Clan of the Cave Bear, that actually was the first time the Doctor was a woman. i've always been ahead of my time, the Cro-Magnon to the Neanderthals, i've always been the forward-leaning futurist feminist hero.
Graham: the iconography's on the wall in paint.

* Ryan: Rosa Parks? i'm out.