SNL Blake Shelton Episode Discussion

learned:

* SNL goes country? this will be weird for me. this show will probably get the biggest numbers ever cos finally liberal coastal SNL is catering to the middle heartland of the country. it'll be, like, the patriotic thing to do to watch.

* first off, Kyle's Comedy Club skit which was cut for time: more like King of Comedy Club. this was absolutely excellent and another example of the show wonderfully veering off simple comedy/parody/farce/impressions to do actual heartfelt drama. those tears were real, this was a stunning portrait of a comedian's inner turmoil coming out when he realizes he's not as good as his bravado and really does jokes to gain love.

* Deflategate: can you blame anyone? these are Brady's balls we're talking about. real life is stranger than comedy: Bill Belichick the Science Guy's press conference where he discussed the exact psi required to iron his hoodies. i agree, Blake should have played Brady. and then have the real Tom Brady show up to raucous applause playing the equipment manager being thrown under the bus, make it real shoe-on-the-other-foot meta-like.

* if Hee Haw were like that, it would be cancelled after one show. but what a one show that would be.

* Wishin' Boot: now you want to see the serious original of this. what's the opposite of parody anyway?

* Farm Hunk: porn stars are people, too. farm hunks are fake, though. go to an actual farm. see? only the farmer's daughter is ever good-looking, she becomes a porn star and goes on a reality show to find love...

* Parole Board: cannibals are people, too. people, people who eat people, are the luckiest...

* as the musical guest: first time i've ever sat through two full country songs to completion. the woman in the back there was having a grand ol' time so i did, too, she was contagious. neon light at the end of the tunnel? i got ya, Blake, the tunnel representing the woman's vagina so the neon is the glow-in-the-dark condom.

* Blake was a good sport throughout. it's almost as if they were making the writing as cringeworthy as possible to see if they could break the country boy with city decadence. i mean you have Blake talking about going down on himself, that's not exactly the theme of most country songs. fascinatingly awkward.

Law & Order SVU "Padre Sandunguero" Episode Discussion

learned:

* he's a smooth-talking papi, but i prefer my Father Christmas.

* y'know what, just go for it, turn this show into a straight-up soap opera about the cops' lives. call it Blue Drama.

* Amaro: where's my ex-wife?
sister: haven't you heard? she's big now.
Amaro: she's pregnant? i gonna punch the moop who did this to her right in the nose!
sister: no, i mean after Sound of Music Live, she's big-time, she's got no more use for this little rinkydink tv show.

* IAB dude: what did you say to the victim in Spanish?
Amaro: we were exchanging Spanish recipes from the old country and dissecting the latest telenovela plots.
IAB dude: i believe you.
Amaro: whoa, are you getting soft in your old age?
IAB dude: hopefully i can still get hard in my old age. believe it or not, Liv is taking a shining to me. me! i know, right?

* Carisi: hey boss, what are you doing onscreen? aren't you directing this episode?
Liv: what are you implying, i can't do both?
Carisi: whoa whoa, i'm jus sayin' since you're behind the camera why not give Rollins some of your screentime?
Liv: who's Rollins?

* Amaro's dad: you get scared when you look into my eyes, nino, because you see yourself, i am your flesh and blood.
Amaro: no, i get angry.
Amaro's dad: si, you got that from me, too.

* Amaro's dad: i'm not taking any suggestions from a man in suspenders.
Barba: what are you implying?
Amaro's dad: sorry, Larry King made fun of me on national television once and i've never forgiven him.

* lawyer: it must be hard testifying against your father.
Amaro: it would be harder testifying for my father.

* Amaro's ex-wife walks in on Amaro and Rollins in bed together.
Amaro: oh come on! Amarollins was supposed to be the secret surprise ending of this episode. for the shippers.
Amaro's ex-wife: no, me coming back was supposed to be the secret surprise ending.
Rollins: surprise!

SNL Kevin Hart / Sia Episode Discussion

learned:

* first of all, the two from the last show: Pete Davidson with Amy Adams and the cards: this trope works every time, you have to read it like an artsy film but if you can, it's dynamite, and i love how Pete didn't have to do anything except make sure the heavy pile of cards didn't fall and spill all over the place, though that would have been funny, too. never question Bob Dylan. Pete's eyes during the DTF: already classic. as for Nativity Battle Force: as a He-Man devotee, this fit my niche. also, isn't He-Man already kinda a Christian-values thing without having to include the actual Nativity? it's like swords-and-sandals Peanuts.

* i can't say i'm in love with Kevin Hart, but i do love his work ethic.

* Kevin's monologue: going against the grain, which is hard since whole grain is good for you, i enjoyed this, i liked it more the more it meandered and rambled on. i'm a huge fan of Spalding Gray, i like when some dude gets up on stage and with a box and a dim spotlight just starts talking for an hour or two, starts telling a story. and yeah, raccoons really do that, you don't need to be high to see it.

* i am in fact in love with Sia, from the depression, the quitting, the eyes veil, and the powerful music, she is her own unique voice and i appreciate her, i get her. it's one part Bjork, one part Gaga, and all mimes and beige-dancer symbols of her inner stages from child to adolescent to adult, or child/parent, sung with intimate passion. i love her act. i'm a sucker for art that makes others groan. it seems it's for a medical condition and not that she's shunning her audience, turning her back to them, or for stage fright or generalized anxiety, but wouldn't it be ironic if there existed high-profile performers who secretly hated the crowds and actually got so nervous around an audience it immobilized them, they threw up before every show, and they shunned the spotlight whenever possible? inbetween fame and anonymity is the art.

* MLK: great stuff getting a real ghost (effect) on live tv. reminded me of MLK coming back on The Boondocks. you say that like Wu-Tang are a bad thing, they're rap pioneers. hey, it'll be okay, we still have Mike Tyson's cartoon.

* Bushwick: if Spike Lee had hosted, he would have written this one. aside from the conversational humor, which is my favorite form of humor, i was struck by the filmic quality of this piece, it was very gritty urban documentary, with the urbandictionary wordplay. hipsters are hard, they're the most hardheaded people i know.

Law & Order SVU "Agent Provocateur" Episode Discussion

learned:

* love their lingerie.

* Jack Noseworthy: want some pot, cops? it's medicinal i swear.
Amaro: where is she?
Jack: dunno, i'm out of it.
Ice-T: how bout you put on a shirt first, champ.
Jack: hey didn't you do that song about killing...?
Fin: uhuhuhuhuhuhuh i'm Fin now.
Jack: i'm gay. not that that has to do with anything.
Amaro: hey weren't you on that short-lived MTV sci-fi show? what was that called again?
Jack: Dead At 21.
Amaro: omg yes! dude, i fell in love with Noseworthy from that, everyone did!

* James Franco: why you hatin? not everyone can be a Renaissance man.
Carisi: you're a police problem, polymath. see what i did there?
Amaro: hey James Franco, this isn't a movie.
Carisi: it's a tv show.
James Franco: this is so meta right now.

* trailer: coming soon: in a world where all of the Law & Order franchises are gone, the magnificent mothership show i want to be beamed up to right now, gorgeous Goren on CI who made insanity cool again, even lavish LA which i thought got a bum rap and had Alana de la Garza, Alana people!, one woman named Olivia Benson carries the entire legacy on her strong shoulders, but in her quiet moments when she thinks back to the heartbroken Liv and Elliot shippers, she can only be comforted by a certain wild blonde named Rollins...and they kiss...also in 3D in limited theatres. rated X.

* Barba: all bat and no balls.
Harvey Levin: where's the respect? i'm a lawyer like you. i'll have you know i carry around this bat cos i'm a failed pro baseball player.

* co-star: hey, i can't lie to the cops, i just got done playing a lawyer.
Patti LuPone: good thing we turned down the script where you play a priest.

* girl: i know this is, like, my fourth retelling of what happened, but i did it all cos i'm in love with James Franco.
girl's mother: it's okay, honey, just tell the truth. while we're all telling the truth, the truth is i'm not your mother, Patti LuPone is.
girl: James Franco is never gonna guest-star on an upcoming episode of SVU, huh.

* co-star: are you my mommy?
Patti LuPone: yes, baby, i'm your mommy in every way you want. i'm everyone's mommy...

Degrassi "Firestarter Part 2" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Miles's dad throws a mug at Miles and Hunter.
Miles's dad: dammit that was my favorite mug.
Miles: dad, seriously, why are you such a psycho?
Miles's dad: i'm really just your standard politician.

* Eli: i know i called you a whore, but i've matured. okay, fair's fair, you can straight-up call me to my face a Swiftie.

* Zoe: Zig, is that you? time to consummate Novas.
Chewy: come on, that's the oldest trick in the book.
Zoe: why are you talking like Bane? and wait, this is a plastic knife! come on, that's the oldest trick in the book.
Chewy: i'm not really into IRL violence, i mostly do my damage as an internet troll.

* Zoe: this could be the smoke talking, but i will confess.
later,
Zoe: officer, i have something to tell you: it was all Frankie's fault.
Frankie: this seriously puts a strain on our reconciliation later in the season when we pretend none of this stuff ever happened.
Zoe (points at herself): hello, actress.

* Miles's mother: but why would he attack you for no reason?
Miles: BECAUSE HE'S A POLITICIAN!!!
Miles's mother: i just can't believe that.
Miles: y'know what, mom, i can see i didn't get any good genes from you.

* Miles motions to punch his father in the face.
Miles's dad: go ahead, do it.
Miles: i can't, you're just too pretty, i see where i get my looks from.

* Lola: hey, you want to rejoin the squad?

Becky: sure, my leg is healed.

Lola: how about your other leg?

Becky breaks that same leg on her first routine back.

Becky: goddammit!

* Maya: come on, Miles, we have to get out of here!

Miles: go on, i'll catch up, just a few rolls and a few tokes. shame to let this conflagration go to waste.

* Eli: you thought i was capable of burning down the whole school?
Clare: yeah, remember when we were dating and you were telling me how you were gonna burn down the whole school?

* Hunter: no, dad, we're waiting for mom to come pick us up.
Hunter's dad: i've got mint chocolate chip in the carrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Frankie: no, you fucked up my brothers for life, was all this worth it for your campaign?
Frankie's dad: uh, yeahhhhhhhhh. honestly, though, looking back the only truly fun time i had was when i cheated on your mother with my hot secretary.
Miles: we are starving and are gonna eat alone just the three of us. you are no longer a part of this family.
Miles's dad: as soon as i become President i'm gonna deport all of you.

Law & Order SVU "Forgiving Rollins" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Amaro: i forgive you, Rollins.
Rollins: shut up, Nick!
*sex in the bar*

* Amaro: why are you wearing sunglasses indoors, Amanda?
Rollins: Gaga show, now leave me alone.

* Deputy Chief Patton: Dreama, you're dreamy.
Taymor: stay in character, Harry.

* Dodds: i got this.
Liv: hey, why are so hardass all the time? it seems forced.
Dodds: my looks are fading, not the heartthrob anymore, gotta try something new.
Liv: i think you're still hot, Peter. i had a poster of you up on my wall. have.
*sex in the office*
Dodds: you interrogate, baby, i'm too weak and in love again!

* Deputy Chief Patton: hey, Dodds, deputy chief to deputy chief.
Deputy Chief Dodds: uh oh.
Patton: what do i have to do to make this go away?
Dodds: you know the code, protect the brothers.
Patton: great.
Dodds: that'll be a million dollars to pay for my brothers' dental work.
Patton: that's outrageous!
Dodds: you're in no position, this is my illegal bribe. all of the other cops are staring at you from behind the one-way mirror.
Patton: that's creepy.

* man: Amanda, let sleeping dogs lie.
Rollins kicks him in the groin.
man: what was that for?!
Rollins: for the last time, you're not my type! and nobody calls my dog a liar.

* Patton: it's okay, boys, get that fat lawyer for me. so are you gonna handcuff me or what?
Dodds: you'd like that you sick freak.

* fat lawyer: i won't represent you. you called me fat. that is not true. i am a prick, i have a weird way about me, i don't look like the type of person who would become a lawyer, these are all true, but i am NOT fat.

* Patton: i'm straight as an ax. you wouldn't know about that, would you you Cuban dandy.
Barba says something in Spanish.
Patton: what did you call me?!
Barba: all i said was you're right about my personal life, i do pattern myself after Dandy from Space Dandy.

* wife: hello darlin', my twang indicates i'm gonna blackmail you but do it in such a way that it doesn't seem like blackmail cos it's all smoothed over proper-like with mint juleps and homemade apple pie like mama used to make.
Rollins: i always did love your pie. Southern hospitality, ain't nuthin' like it! can i get the honey biscuits, too?
wife: no, biscuits are for good girls.

* Patton: you son of a bitch, you poisoned me or something, i'm having a heart attack.
judge: sorry about that, the water in New York is really really bad.

* judge: you get an extra year for faking a heart attack. anything you'd like to say about that or to your victims?
Patton turns around, sees the two blondes, then turns back.
Patton: no. can i take my anxiety meds now?
judge: sure, here's some water.

Degrassi "Firestarter Part 1" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Frankie: it was you? suddenly those kisses of yours are sexier. whenever you mix danger with sex, it's hotter.
Chewy: i'm as shocked as you are. i thought it was Arlene, too. i think they're doing it as a way to easily slip me off into the Black Hole for the stuff i did online.
Frankie: the threatening of the cheerleaders you mean?
Chewy: no, that other stuff i did online.

* Clare: mom, i have something really important to declare to you about the very course of the rest of my entire life.
Clare's mom: no, Clare, dammit, no! this is my stretching time, dammit.

* Principal Simpson: i'm gonna go old skool, like really old-skool reference, to teach you a lesson.
Clare: i see, so that person was from the cheesy '80s series, right?
Principal Simpson: hey, i was considered hot back then!
Clare: i always had a thing for Claude. guess that's why i gravitated towards Eli.
Principal Simpson: Claude? Claude? don't remember him. was he the one who was always pulling pranks all the time? yeah, that Claude was a kidder.

* Jenna: hi, i'm here to say a few lines again. so...
Clare: i don't want to end up like you, Jenna.
Jenna: fuck you, Clare!...y'know, that really felt good. it's not the amount of lines, it's the way you deliver them.

* if this were Skins, the Clare-Mr. Simpson hallucination first of all wouldn't have been a hallucination and secondly would have been a real sex scene with real consequences, hot lusty fucking, no kisses, and the answer to the one question everyone in the world is pondering would be clear: the teacher is Clare's baby daddy.

* Frankie: dad, it was only one time with my naked tits.
Frankie's dad: let me see.

* Maya: so you're gay?
Grace: i just want to see our boys in cheerleading skirts.
Maya: so you're gay?
Grace: no, i'm bi if you must know. yes, bi. bi is a real thing. no more bisexual nullification in media. Korrasami Forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* Zig: hey babe, so we're back on?
Zoe: okay.
Zig: hey aren't you embroiled in the middle of a scandal right now?
Zoe: naw. scandal shmandal. i got Olivia Pope on it.
Zig: cool, well the Pope did broker that U.S.-Cuba deal.