learned:
* Spring Awakening: come to New York! see a show! see a rock musical! there'll be nudity! also, come to the set of SVU if you want...
* victim: the room service never came. i tried to, but i got assaulted.
squad: it was a scam. but more than that, you do a better accent than our boss when he goes undercover.
* Rollins: that attorney is a tall drink of water.
Liv: i didn't know tall was a skill set.
Rollins: you want to fuck him, huh?
Liv: well he is my husband.
Rollins: would you ever get with a lawyer?
Liv: sure, Barba's on tap to tap me next season, right?
* Munch: those higher-up fat cats in management are just into self-preservation. you are a police.
Amaro: not anymore.
Munch: hey, i got you, bro. i paid for your release. i have a secret Swiss bank account i've kept hidden from all my exes.
Amaro: oh, so you're like that rich cop we once had.
Munch: RIP to a great actor. hey, so, yeah, like why exactly aren't i on this show anymore?
Amaro: the higher-ups.
Munch: yeah, yeah i guess. i really wish Homicide: Life on the Street was still going...
* Murphy: let's see if i can play lonely Irish.
man (bursts into the hotel room): this is a stickup! where's the fucking money?! (throws the woman against the wall hard)
Murphy: HEY, DUDE, THE MONEY IS IN THE DRAWER, JUST STOP HURTING HER!
man: what happened to your Irish accent?
Murphy: oh shit, it's hard to maintain it when there's real danger involved. you tend to forget the act when you're in the immediacy of saving lives, you revert back to your normal voice.
* Liv: who do you think is the real head of this operation?
Murphy: don't you say it, don't you dare say it!
Liv: Lewis.
* Murphy: i'm gone. the station is yours again.
Liv: so soon? we were just getting used to your non-Irish accent.
Murphy: i'm going undercover again, deep undercover...to a little-known village by the water named Gotham...
Liv: *Bat Signal*
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Saturday Night Live Andy Samberg / St. Vincent Episode Discussion
learned:
* when the crowd screamed, we all thought it was gonna be the real Beyonce. it was Maya Rudolph. still deserving of screams.
* this is the first time in history where i found out the breaking news from the SNL monologue rather than CNN. Casey Kasem is found, and i really need to reduce my busywork and get out more.
* camp skit: loved Kate's affected kid voice, it was pitch perfect. funny how the ones you find cool at that age are really only the ones who happen to be 14 and have windswept hair.
* all hail the return of the digital shorts: there is something communist about raves but in a good way, it brings people of all stripes together under one dominating beat. we are not in control of our destinies, we are all slaves to dance.
* St. Vincent: offbeat, off-rhythm funky electronica, i'm a sucker for that. i hear she's a private person. that's a beautiful trick to pull off in this internet age.
* i never went to prom. i'm a blogger.
* Kristen Wiig came back just to make out with everyone. that's dirty.
* it's like Fred Armisen never left, he comes back onstage and resumes corpsing and everything.
* LOSE: Noel? Milhiser? Brooks?
KEEP: Stefon and the rest of the cast.
MARRY: Nasim.......and Kate, wink wink.
* weird at the end there with the goodnights and at the end of Weekend Update how there was no indication that this was a finale of any sort, that this would be the last show for 3 months. no "have a nice summer.". it was just the end of another SNL episode...
* when the crowd screamed, we all thought it was gonna be the real Beyonce. it was Maya Rudolph. still deserving of screams.
* this is the first time in history where i found out the breaking news from the SNL monologue rather than CNN. Casey Kasem is found, and i really need to reduce my busywork and get out more.
* camp skit: loved Kate's affected kid voice, it was pitch perfect. funny how the ones you find cool at that age are really only the ones who happen to be 14 and have windswept hair.
* all hail the return of the digital shorts: there is something communist about raves but in a good way, it brings people of all stripes together under one dominating beat. we are not in control of our destinies, we are all slaves to dance.
* St. Vincent: offbeat, off-rhythm funky electronica, i'm a sucker for that. i hear she's a private person. that's a beautiful trick to pull off in this internet age.
* i never went to prom. i'm a blogger.
* Kristen Wiig came back just to make out with everyone. that's dirty.
* it's like Fred Armisen never left, he comes back onstage and resumes corpsing and everything.
* LOSE: Noel? Milhiser? Brooks?
KEEP: Stefon and the rest of the cast.
MARRY: Nasim.......and Kate, wink wink.
* weird at the end there with the goodnights and at the end of Weekend Update how there was no indication that this was a finale of any sort, that this would be the last show for 3 months. no "have a nice summer.". it was just the end of another SNL episode...
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Spooksville "Stone" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Adam: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Adam's dad: Adam, you're sweating. what were you dreaming of? Mom?
Adam: no, Watch fucking Sally.
* Sally: I'm head cheerleader in this world.
Adam (open mouth): see, living in a fantasy world can have its benefits.
* psychiatrist: Adam, that world is a fantasy.
Adam: yeah, but it's more interesting than bland school life.
psychiatrist: you're making progress. let me pencil you in for next week.
Adam: but there's still ten minutes left in this session.
psychiatrist: I'll pencil you in.
Adam: is it a package rate?
psychiatrist: no, you pay for each session separately.
* Ann: *kiss*
Adam: no kiss on the lips?
Ann: it's still a kid's show.
Adam: the noodles look good.
Ann: thanks, I bought them myself.
Adam: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ann: Adam, you're sweating. what are you seeing?
Adam: the noodles are worms!
Ann: it's a hallucination. look, it's fine, just taste the noodles and you'll see.
Adam (eats them): they taste like worms!
* psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: why?
psychiatrist: have any gum? I'm trying to quit smoking.
psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: why?
psychiatrist: I used to work at the prison. just checking for shivs.
psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: what is this pockets thing?
psychiatrist: just a big fan of Alanis Morissette.
* I'm collecting a coven of witches to come over and cast a spell so this show gets a second season, it definitely deserves it. either way, Katie Douglas has a bright future.
* Adam: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Adam's dad: Adam, you're sweating. what were you dreaming of? Mom?
Adam: no, Watch fucking Sally.
* Sally: I'm head cheerleader in this world.
Adam (open mouth): see, living in a fantasy world can have its benefits.
* psychiatrist: Adam, that world is a fantasy.
Adam: yeah, but it's more interesting than bland school life.
psychiatrist: you're making progress. let me pencil you in for next week.
Adam: but there's still ten minutes left in this session.
psychiatrist: I'll pencil you in.
Adam: is it a package rate?
psychiatrist: no, you pay for each session separately.
* Ann: *kiss*
Adam: no kiss on the lips?
Ann: it's still a kid's show.
Adam: the noodles look good.
Ann: thanks, I bought them myself.
Adam: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ann: Adam, you're sweating. what are you seeing?
Adam: the noodles are worms!
Ann: it's a hallucination. look, it's fine, just taste the noodles and you'll see.
Adam (eats them): they taste like worms!
* psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: why?
psychiatrist: have any gum? I'm trying to quit smoking.
psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: why?
psychiatrist: I used to work at the prison. just checking for shivs.
psychiatrist: empty your pockets.
Adam: what is this pockets thing?
psychiatrist: just a big fan of Alanis Morissette.
* I'm collecting a coven of witches to come over and cast a spell so this show gets a second season, it definitely deserves it. either way, Katie Douglas has a bright future.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Thought Criminal" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i'll just read 1984 instead.
* officer: wait, why do i have to pose as the jailbait?
Liv: it's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
officer: yes, but why me?
Liv: you're a rookie. it's all part of rookie hazing.
officer: THIS is the hazing?! i think i'll return to accounting.
* JIMMY THE CAB DRIVER!!!
* Huang: so you've never seen a therapist before?
pedo artist: without my demons, there is no art.
* Amaro's wife: i've gone Hollywood!
Amaro: i thought you hated California.
wife: i do, it's a cesspool, but my pilot got picked up, i'm gonna be famous!
* acquitted pedo artist: smile for the camera, Amaro!
Amaro: you sick bastard, i'm gonna kill you with my bare hands, and no jury would convict me...just like they didn't convict you...
* i'll just watch Minority Report instead.
* i'll just read 1984 instead.
* officer: wait, why do i have to pose as the jailbait?
Liv: it's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
officer: yes, but why me?
Liv: you're a rookie. it's all part of rookie hazing.
officer: THIS is the hazing?! i think i'll return to accounting.
* JIMMY THE CAB DRIVER!!!
* Huang: so you've never seen a therapist before?
pedo artist: without my demons, there is no art.
* Amaro's wife: i've gone Hollywood!
Amaro: i thought you hated California.
wife: i do, it's a cesspool, but my pilot got picked up, i'm gonna be famous!
* acquitted pedo artist: smile for the camera, Amaro!
Amaro: you sick bastard, i'm gonna kill you with my bare hands, and no jury would convict me...just like they didn't convict you...
* i'll just watch Minority Report instead.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Saturday Night Live Charlize Theron / The Black Keys Episode Discussion
learned:
* large chunks of this show were awkward and uncomfortable.
* Aidy is a trooper, she continually allows her big luscious breasts to be fondled for comedy.
* Dragons: more animation, Show, always more animation. in fact, why not have one show that's completely animated. i don't think they've done that yet, right? the cast would love coming to work in their pajamas.
* The Black Keys AKA the SNL house band: the unsung hero is the dude with the fro in the background with the falsetto. hey, y'know, one guy in this duo does 90% of the work...
* Nasim Pedrad proves that confidence is sexier than looks. and a machine-gun vagina.
* Barbara Walters simply did not want to be there. someone had blackmail pics of Barbara.
* dead whales aren't funny. the beach bimbos and himbos deserved everything that came to them.
* Cats: this skit was done as a cute countermeasure to the whale skit to preempt PETA.
* Tourists: Kate as the anarchist with the blonde cornrows was priceless. that is so Europe i felt it over here in the States.
* i got the sense that Kate fell for Charlize during the week, she wants to be "more than friends"...
* large chunks of this show were awkward and uncomfortable.
* Aidy is a trooper, she continually allows her big luscious breasts to be fondled for comedy.
* Dragons: more animation, Show, always more animation. in fact, why not have one show that's completely animated. i don't think they've done that yet, right? the cast would love coming to work in their pajamas.
* The Black Keys AKA the SNL house band: the unsung hero is the dude with the fro in the background with the falsetto. hey, y'know, one guy in this duo does 90% of the work...
* Nasim Pedrad proves that confidence is sexier than looks. and a machine-gun vagina.
* Barbara Walters simply did not want to be there. someone had blackmail pics of Barbara.
* dead whales aren't funny. the beach bimbos and himbos deserved everything that came to them.
* Cats: this skit was done as a cute countermeasure to the whale skit to preempt PETA.
* Tourists: Kate as the anarchist with the blonde cornrows was priceless. that is so Europe i felt it over here in the States.
* i got the sense that Kate fell for Charlize during the week, she wants to be "more than friends"...
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Spooksville "Run" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i really hope they delve deep into the past and motivation of the black dude who hovers around Ann all the time, because he is seriously landing on the top-five list of all-time unlikeable tv characters.
* Sally (in view of Adam and Watch): *hugs Ann* oh Ann, despite our constant bickering, you are the sister I never had! *cries*
Sally (waiting to get out of ear-range of Adam and Watch): *speaks directly into Ann's ear* bitch, if you fuck Adam before I do, I'll fuck you up.
* it just sounds off when an adult says "cool"...
* Laurel: Ann's gothic witch mother was my best friend. *flashback*
Adam: mom, why do your clothes and hair and general style look weird?
Laurel: it was the '80s, son, the magic '80s. that was also the last decade where being a goth actually meant something.
* Laurel: I fell for your father instantly.
Adam: that's sweet. was it because there was nothing magical about him?
Laurel: yep, nothing magical at all. I mean, nothing. like, really nothing. he didn't even know how to screw on a lightbulb.
* Watch: watch, I learned this from a movie.
*Watch holds a boombox over his head to scare away the monsters*
Sally: neat trick. now watch this.
*Sally slugs Ann on her butt*
Watch: what movie was that from?
Sally: Women In Prison 4: The Revenge.
* i really hope they delve deep into the past and motivation of the black dude who hovers around Ann all the time, because he is seriously landing on the top-five list of all-time unlikeable tv characters.
* Sally (in view of Adam and Watch): *hugs Ann* oh Ann, despite our constant bickering, you are the sister I never had! *cries*
Sally (waiting to get out of ear-range of Adam and Watch): *speaks directly into Ann's ear* bitch, if you fuck Adam before I do, I'll fuck you up.
* it just sounds off when an adult says "cool"...
* Laurel: Ann's gothic witch mother was my best friend. *flashback*
Adam: mom, why do your clothes and hair and general style look weird?
Laurel: it was the '80s, son, the magic '80s. that was also the last decade where being a goth actually meant something.
* Laurel: I fell for your father instantly.
Adam: that's sweet. was it because there was nothing magical about him?
Laurel: yep, nothing magical at all. I mean, nothing. like, really nothing. he didn't even know how to screw on a lightbulb.
* Watch: watch, I learned this from a movie.
*Watch holds a boombox over his head to scare away the monsters*
Sally: neat trick. now watch this.
*Sally slugs Ann on her butt*
Watch: what movie was that from?
Sally: Women In Prison 4: The Revenge.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Reasonable Doubt" Episode Discussion
learned:
* this show was renewed again. i dunno. i miss the whodunnit. if i want to be reminded of how depraved humanity can get, i can watch the local news. i say put this one out to pasture and bring back the parent show, the original L & O. please?
* what do you think Woody Allen and Roman Polanski talk about at dinner parties?
* Liv: if you didn't want the attention, why did you put out those pictures?
mother: i didn't, that was my non-famous sister.
Liv: if you didn't want the attention, why did you become an actress in the first place?
mother: bingo.
* non-famous sister: he's bad news, he raped me.
famous little sister: you're just jealous. the little sister is usurping the older sister. it's the nature of things, the way of the world.
non-famous sister: are you willing to sell your very body and soul for fame?
famous little sister: i have more followers than you.
* Rollins: so are we fucking now, Amaro?
Amaro: no, i just like to walk around naked. i'm only wearing this towel as a courtesy. i'm a closet nudist. that's the real reason my wife left me.
* judge: where is your client?
attorney: he's...kinda...not here...ever again.
judge: private jet, huh? rich justice rears its ugly head again. well, him fleeing to France like this is an obvious admission of guilt.
attorney: not necessarily. he just really really really likes homemade croissants.
* Barba: father's gone, so maybe this kid has a chance.
Liv: i dunno, this kid has worn that confused face the entire hour. she looks like she's permanently smelling bad garlic.
Barba: hey, that's not fair, she's been through a trauma. besides, shouldn't you be the last person to comment on facial expressions?
Liv: *Liv scowl*
* this show was renewed again. i dunno. i miss the whodunnit. if i want to be reminded of how depraved humanity can get, i can watch the local news. i say put this one out to pasture and bring back the parent show, the original L & O. please?
* what do you think Woody Allen and Roman Polanski talk about at dinner parties?
* Liv: if you didn't want the attention, why did you put out those pictures?
mother: i didn't, that was my non-famous sister.
Liv: if you didn't want the attention, why did you become an actress in the first place?
mother: bingo.
* non-famous sister: he's bad news, he raped me.
famous little sister: you're just jealous. the little sister is usurping the older sister. it's the nature of things, the way of the world.
non-famous sister: are you willing to sell your very body and soul for fame?
famous little sister: i have more followers than you.
* Rollins: so are we fucking now, Amaro?
Amaro: no, i just like to walk around naked. i'm only wearing this towel as a courtesy. i'm a closet nudist. that's the real reason my wife left me.
* judge: where is your client?
attorney: he's...kinda...not here...ever again.
judge: private jet, huh? rich justice rears its ugly head again. well, him fleeing to France like this is an obvious admission of guilt.
attorney: not necessarily. he just really really really likes homemade croissants.
* Barba: father's gone, so maybe this kid has a chance.
Liv: i dunno, this kid has worn that confused face the entire hour. she looks like she's permanently smelling bad garlic.
Barba: hey, that's not fair, she's been through a trauma. besides, shouldn't you be the last person to comment on facial expressions?
Liv: *Liv scowl*
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Saturday Night Live Andrew Garfield / Coldplay Episode Discussion
learned:
* i will never take Bobby Moynihan's blood money.
* Celebrity Family Feud: it's not her fault, but it's just not gonna work out for poor Noel, huh?
* Beyonce: sorry, but there is no way Jack Bauer and Chloe would be felled so easily like that. well, there are only two ways: if the head bad guy is either Chris Brown or a cougar.
* Coldplay song 1: Coldplay is Coldplay. Coldplay will always be Coldplay. Coldplay is forever Radiohead's little brother. that's not necessarily a bad thing. in fact it's a good thing. was there a naked woman's breast in that bird in the background there or am i seeing things late at night?
* beef bowl: don't you love it when Show showcases new onscreen talent rather than another lame celebrity cameo? there's no need for any more auditions. when this current crop overstays its welcome, simply make all of the SNL writers the new cast.
* Coldplay song 2: gigantic, gigantic, gigantic, a big big load.
* the SNL Universe rules of weird kissing:
1. no cheek or lips.
2. tongue only when engaged in licking of the face and neck.
3. the participants must only be drunk strangers at a bar at last call.
4. mouth kissing amongst blood relatives and family members is not only tolerated but encouraged. it's a sign of true love.
5. we don't care what team you play for, but you must wear a bad wig and/or bad sweater.
6. pretend you're a blowfish...
* i will never take Bobby Moynihan's blood money.
* Celebrity Family Feud: it's not her fault, but it's just not gonna work out for poor Noel, huh?
* Beyonce: sorry, but there is no way Jack Bauer and Chloe would be felled so easily like that. well, there are only two ways: if the head bad guy is either Chris Brown or a cougar.
* Coldplay song 1: Coldplay is Coldplay. Coldplay will always be Coldplay. Coldplay is forever Radiohead's little brother. that's not necessarily a bad thing. in fact it's a good thing. was there a naked woman's breast in that bird in the background there or am i seeing things late at night?
* beef bowl: don't you love it when Show showcases new onscreen talent rather than another lame celebrity cameo? there's no need for any more auditions. when this current crop overstays its welcome, simply make all of the SNL writers the new cast.
* Coldplay song 2: gigantic, gigantic, gigantic, a big big load.
* the SNL Universe rules of weird kissing:
1. no cheek or lips.
2. tongue only when engaged in licking of the face and neck.
3. the participants must only be drunk strangers at a bar at last call.
4. mouth kissing amongst blood relatives and family members is not only tolerated but encouraged. it's a sign of true love.
5. we don't care what team you play for, but you must wear a bad wig and/or bad sweater.
6. pretend you're a blowfish...
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Spooksville "The Maze" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Adam: he runs like the Artful Dodger.
Watch: I don't do fiction.
Sally: okay, then it's like Cops, Watch, Cops.
* Mayor: memories are like sands through the hourglass...
Watch: ...so are the Days of Our Lives.
Sally: ah-ha! gotcha! you do watch fiction!
Watch: dammit!
* Mayor: I want more delicious bench pie!
Sally: nothing's better than my pie.
Adam: I can vouch for that...
* Watch: look, Adam, it seems we've traveled back in time. there's a picture of Jimmy Carter here.
Sally: guys, back here in the 2014 office, I've just seen something that is scarier than anything we have encountered in Spooksville thus far.
Adam: what?
Sally: a picture of President Herman Cain!
Watch: *sings the Pokemon song*
* Mayor: Mom didn't want me reading those horror comic books. looking back, they prepared me for life as mayor of Spooksville.
Sally: how did a senile old coot like yourself become mayor of this place anyway?
Mayor: electoral college.
Sally: well, hopefully you'll be reunited with your beloved someday.
Mayor: I just want my bitch back!
Sally: nevermind.
* Adam: he runs like the Artful Dodger.
Watch: I don't do fiction.
Sally: okay, then it's like Cops, Watch, Cops.
* Mayor: memories are like sands through the hourglass...
Watch: ...so are the Days of Our Lives.
Sally: ah-ha! gotcha! you do watch fiction!
Watch: dammit!
* Mayor: I want more delicious bench pie!
Sally: nothing's better than my pie.
Adam: I can vouch for that...
* Watch: look, Adam, it seems we've traveled back in time. there's a picture of Jimmy Carter here.
Sally: guys, back here in the 2014 office, I've just seen something that is scarier than anything we have encountered in Spooksville thus far.
Adam: what?
Sally: a picture of President Herman Cain!
Watch: *sings the Pokemon song*
* Mayor: Mom didn't want me reading those horror comic books. looking back, they prepared me for life as mayor of Spooksville.
Sally: how did a senile old coot like yourself become mayor of this place anyway?
Mayor: electoral college.
Sally: well, hopefully you'll be reunited with your beloved someday.
Mayor: I just want my bitch back!
Sally: nevermind.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Law & Order SVU "Post-Mortem Blues" Episode Discussion
learned:
* IAB: Lewis was right-handed, right?
Liv: or he could have been left-handed, left.
IAB: what do you mean?
Liv: Lewis was a career liar and psychopath.
IAB: oh yeah, forgot.
* Amaro: can we get you anything? want me to call Cassidy?
Liv: who?
Fin: screw him.
Liv: i don't do that with Cassidy anymore...i think...
* Irish dude: we need you to lie.
Amaro: no.
Irish dude: your wife is cute.
Amaro: what?
Irish dude: i mean, you're having problems with your wife, right?
Amaro: what does that have to do with the truth?
Irish dude: well, i thought your wife was cute one day...
* Irish dude: the half-truth will set you free.
Liv: i won't lie.
Irish dude: the lie of omission will set you free.
Liv: if i lie, the terrorists win.
Irish dude: it's not lying if you don't get caught.
Liv: but i kinda got caught.
* shrink: Lewis wins as long as you keep thinking about him.
Liv: *thinks about Lewis*
shrink: see?
Liv: i know, i know, but Pablo's acting was just so damn good.
* Liv: i just want to make sure Lewis is really dead.
mortician: he is. i've been looking at his face for hours now. it hasn't moved. i'm so sorry.
Liv: what is it?
mortician: despite everything, i've fallen in love with Lewis.
Liv: Pablo has one of those charming faces.
* IAB: Lewis was right-handed, right?
Liv: or he could have been left-handed, left.
IAB: what do you mean?
Liv: Lewis was a career liar and psychopath.
IAB: oh yeah, forgot.
* Amaro: can we get you anything? want me to call Cassidy?
Liv: who?
Fin: screw him.
Liv: i don't do that with Cassidy anymore...i think...
* Irish dude: we need you to lie.
Amaro: no.
Irish dude: your wife is cute.
Amaro: what?
Irish dude: i mean, you're having problems with your wife, right?
Amaro: what does that have to do with the truth?
Irish dude: well, i thought your wife was cute one day...
* Irish dude: the half-truth will set you free.
Liv: i won't lie.
Irish dude: the lie of omission will set you free.
Liv: if i lie, the terrorists win.
Irish dude: it's not lying if you don't get caught.
Liv: but i kinda got caught.
* shrink: Lewis wins as long as you keep thinking about him.
Liv: *thinks about Lewis*
shrink: see?
Liv: i know, i know, but Pablo's acting was just so damn good.
* Liv: i just want to make sure Lewis is really dead.
mortician: he is. i've been looking at his face for hours now. it hasn't moved. i'm so sorry.
Liv: what is it?
mortician: despite everything, i've fallen in love with Lewis.
Liv: Pablo has one of those charming faces.
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