learned:
* Claude doesn't sound drunk, he sounds like someone sounding drunk.
* Satan can't hold his liquor? that explains the Catholic Mass so much. all that altar wine in the backroom is the Last Stand.
* i feel so sorry for that spider. on the other hand, it was a fun workplace for him.
* even Spielberg listens to his actors. except that one time when Tom Hanks wanted his character in Saving Private Ryan to be Forrest Gump running through history.
* you'd think the tripping-out place would be arctic in a snowstorm, not a hot beach. you can still have the babes, but they'd be snowboarding hot-cocoa-sippin' snow bunnies. okay, cold cocoa.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Monday, September 28, 2015
Vicious "Wedding" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Violet: Ash, i have a confession to make. that previous confession when i said we didn't do anything together in that bed was a lie, we did in fact fuck.
Ash: i'm so confused.
Violet: i know, that's what i love about you, dahlin. i'm telling you this cos my husband is back in town and he's a very jealous man. i have a confession to make: i hate him. he's cruel and horrible. i wouldn't bat an eye if he just sort of, y'know, "disappeared".
Ash: i can't do that, Violet, we gotta have at least one member of my family stay out of prison.
Violet: well now, Ash, you're clever after all.
* Mason and Penelope go to pick up the cake.
young woman at counter: i....don't...know....anything.
Mason: do you know how much i hate you?
young woman at counter: thanks, dad.
* Ash: OMG i think Stuart's mum died right in my arms!
Violet: so this is Weekend at Bernie's?
Freddie: yes, but British Bernie, dignified.
* Freddie: why are you here?!
Mason: well i am your brother.
Freddie: really? good job, show, keeping that secret until now. what other secret relationships do you have?
Mason: Penelope's my mistress, i am one of Violet's ex-husbands, Stuart is my butler, the real Balthazar is at my flat and healthy, and Ash is my son.
Freddie (shakes Mason's hand): glad to see you're out of prison, my man. what's your name again?
* Stuart cries at the phone thinking about his mother. Freddie comforts him.
Freddie: there, there, i love you. these are real tears, right?
Stuart (continues crying awkwardly): of course, i'm Method like you.
* i will not Breathe
until Season Three...
* Violet: Ash, i have a confession to make. that previous confession when i said we didn't do anything together in that bed was a lie, we did in fact fuck.
Ash: i'm so confused.
Violet: i know, that's what i love about you, dahlin. i'm telling you this cos my husband is back in town and he's a very jealous man. i have a confession to make: i hate him. he's cruel and horrible. i wouldn't bat an eye if he just sort of, y'know, "disappeared".
Ash: i can't do that, Violet, we gotta have at least one member of my family stay out of prison.
Violet: well now, Ash, you're clever after all.
* Mason and Penelope go to pick up the cake.
young woman at counter: i....don't...know....anything.
Mason: do you know how much i hate you?
young woman at counter: thanks, dad.
* Ash: OMG i think Stuart's mum died right in my arms!
Violet: so this is Weekend at Bernie's?
Freddie: yes, but British Bernie, dignified.
* Freddie: why are you here?!
Mason: well i am your brother.
Freddie: really? good job, show, keeping that secret until now. what other secret relationships do you have?
Mason: Penelope's my mistress, i am one of Violet's ex-husbands, Stuart is my butler, the real Balthazar is at my flat and healthy, and Ash is my son.
Freddie (shakes Mason's hand): glad to see you're out of prison, my man. what's your name again?
* Stuart cries at the phone thinking about his mother. Freddie comforts him.
Freddie: there, there, i love you. these are real tears, right?
Stuart (continues crying awkwardly): of course, i'm Method like you.
* i will not Breathe
until Season Three...
Doctor Who "The Witch's Familiar" Episode Discussion
learned:
* Missy (sharpening stick) i'm gonna eat you..................oh, wasn't trying to make that sound as cheeky as it did.
Clara: there's no going back now, we're OTP.
* Clara: what's up with these sewers?
Missy: they're decomposed Daleks.
Clara: no wonder they're angry all the time. it's a gift to be able to die.
Missy: i'm glad you think that way (sharpening stick).
* Davros: you have the power to commit genocide, how does it feel to be a god?
the Doctor: come on, man, that's not what God is about, at least that shouldn't be the first thing you think of when you think of God. can we take a break from all the negativity? at least for this week that the Pope is here?
* the Doctor spins around in an half-cut-open Dalek casing.
the Doctor: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE
Missy: that's my line. why are you having so much fun with this? it's the Daleks' worst nightmare, right?
the Doctor: no, i never got to ride the bumper cars when i was a kid. i don't remember being a child actually, it's like i started as an old man.
* Clara: what's the Dalek word for love?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about hate?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about exterminate?
Missy: Moffat's critics. Steven has had it and programmed that into the Daleks himself when Davros was sleeping.
* Davros: let me see with my own eyes.
the Doctor: i'm crying. i'll help you. you can now cry through your eyes.
Davros: i tricked you! i hate the sun, my skin burns easily as you can imagine. now all of my Dalek children are half-Dalek, half-Time Lord, they're Dalek Deities!
Missy: excuse me, i'm a Time Lady.
Davros: no one asked you, Bitch's Familiar............sorry, that last comment was out of line, i had a rough childhood.
the Doctor: AH-HA! i tricked YOU, Davros! Doctors don't cry, we'd never be able to do our job, we have to make calculating, emotionless decisions that affect whole worlds. also, i hate the sun, too. i got rid of a star once with one wave of my sonic screwdriver/shades.
Missy: that's cold....literally.
Davros: i like you. wanna fuck?
Missy: sorry, dear, i'm taken apparently.
Sarff: Master, i...
Missy: yes?
Sarff: not you! my master, Davros.
Davros: what do you want you Harry Potter reject?
* child Davros: please help me! you said you would! you promised! you said i had a chance!
the Doctor: okay i'll only help you if we NEVER EVER see this flashback of you as a boy on the planet's scarred surface with the smoke again! what is this, the fifth, sixth time we've seen this? i've unintentionally memorized this scene.
* Missy (sharpening stick) i'm gonna eat you..................oh, wasn't trying to make that sound as cheeky as it did.
Clara: there's no going back now, we're OTP.
* Clara: what's up with these sewers?
Missy: they're decomposed Daleks.
Clara: no wonder they're angry all the time. it's a gift to be able to die.
Missy: i'm glad you think that way (sharpening stick).
* Davros: you have the power to commit genocide, how does it feel to be a god?
the Doctor: come on, man, that's not what God is about, at least that shouldn't be the first thing you think of when you think of God. can we take a break from all the negativity? at least for this week that the Pope is here?
* the Doctor spins around in an half-cut-open Dalek casing.
the Doctor: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE
Missy: that's my line. why are you having so much fun with this? it's the Daleks' worst nightmare, right?
the Doctor: no, i never got to ride the bumper cars when i was a kid. i don't remember being a child actually, it's like i started as an old man.
* Clara: what's the Dalek word for love?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about hate?
Missy: exterminate.
Clara: how about exterminate?
Missy: Moffat's critics. Steven has had it and programmed that into the Daleks himself when Davros was sleeping.
* Davros: let me see with my own eyes.
the Doctor: i'm crying. i'll help you. you can now cry through your eyes.
Davros: i tricked you! i hate the sun, my skin burns easily as you can imagine. now all of my Dalek children are half-Dalek, half-Time Lord, they're Dalek Deities!
Missy: excuse me, i'm a Time Lady.
Davros: no one asked you, Bitch's Familiar............sorry, that last comment was out of line, i had a rough childhood.
the Doctor: AH-HA! i tricked YOU, Davros! Doctors don't cry, we'd never be able to do our job, we have to make calculating, emotionless decisions that affect whole worlds. also, i hate the sun, too. i got rid of a star once with one wave of my sonic screwdriver/shades.
Missy: that's cold....literally.
Davros: i like you. wanna fuck?
Missy: sorry, dear, i'm taken apparently.
Sarff: Master, i...
Missy: yes?
Sarff: not you! my master, Davros.
Davros: what do you want you Harry Potter reject?
* child Davros: please help me! you said you would! you promised! you said i had a chance!
the Doctor: okay i'll only help you if we NEVER EVER see this flashback of you as a boy on the planet's scarred surface with the smoke again! what is this, the fifth, sixth time we've seen this? i've unintentionally memorized this scene.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "National Lampoon's Fireballz" Episode Discussion
learned:
* ladybutt!
* in order to get to the naked women you must lose your penis? I'd still do it cos I want a relationship.
* this episode ruined my desire to be in a video game.
* the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making man believe the password wasn't 666 cos that'd be too obvious...
* the shedevil in charge of the women is my favorite Squidbilly! know that voice anywhere.
* Chicken Hell aka KFC. I have such a riddled relationship with KFC, I know what they're doing to those poor chickens but at the same time that food is delicious and savory. I'm going to Hell, huh?
Doctor Who "The Magician's Apprentice" Episode Discussion
learned:
* i've always wanted to do this.
* child Davros: there are loads of hand mines everywhere! i can't get out! btw, hand mines, i get it.
the Doctor: well just don't stand there, these people buried underground urgently need your assistance!
* Davros's servant (gliding everywhere): don't mind me, i have rollerblades underneath my robe.
* Kate Stewart: it's the most horrible thing! all the planes are frozen.
Clara: a delay at the airports? wow. well i've been with the Doctor enough to know there's a first time for everything.
* Missy: your boyfriend's still dead?
Clara: that's just cruel.
Missy: no, i just want to know if you're available. i want to fuck you.
the global energy from the collective cumming of all the fanfic writers around the world causes the planes to start moving again.
* as the doctor shreds his electric guitar, the crowd flick on their lighters and cheer.
crowd: hey dude, play "Freebird"!
the Doctor: but i haven't taught you the word "dude" yet.
crowd: yes you have, you've come here before on that weirdass blue phone, remember?
the Doctor: no i really don't. i'm getting too old for this shit.
* Missy leaves the room where she and Clara are captured and walks on water into space...and eventually she meets Mordecai and Rigby in Purple Space.
* Clara: you and the Doctor are friends?
Missy: of course.
Clara: but you fight all the time.
Missy: exactly.
Clara: so then you're more like brothers.
Missy: sisters.
* a Dalek approaches the Doctor with gunstick out.
Dalek: PARTICIPATE!!!
the Doctor: what?
Dalek: hi, i'm the tennis-ball shooter from that episode of Total Drama Ridonculous Race, nice to meet you.
the Doctor: hello. do i shake your gunstick or what?
* Davros: if you could kill Hitler as a child, would you?
the Doctor: i've thought eons about this and my answer now is yes, i should have killed you as a boy.
Davros: no man, not me, Hitler, Hitler, this is a hypothetical! what is wrong with you, man?!
* Davros: i needed to created the Daleks to counter your sappy goodness.
the Doctor: you have destroyed so much life in the universe, and for what?
Davros: cos without the Daleks there is no show. i mean you think people will tune in each week to watch an old fart tinkering in his state-of-the-art lab on Gallifrey for an hour?
* i've always wanted to do this.
* child Davros: there are loads of hand mines everywhere! i can't get out! btw, hand mines, i get it.
the Doctor: well just don't stand there, these people buried underground urgently need your assistance!
* Davros's servant (gliding everywhere): don't mind me, i have rollerblades underneath my robe.
* Kate Stewart: it's the most horrible thing! all the planes are frozen.
Clara: a delay at the airports? wow. well i've been with the Doctor enough to know there's a first time for everything.
* Missy: your boyfriend's still dead?
Clara: that's just cruel.
Missy: no, i just want to know if you're available. i want to fuck you.
the global energy from the collective cumming of all the fanfic writers around the world causes the planes to start moving again.
* as the doctor shreds his electric guitar, the crowd flick on their lighters and cheer.
crowd: hey dude, play "Freebird"!
the Doctor: but i haven't taught you the word "dude" yet.
crowd: yes you have, you've come here before on that weirdass blue phone, remember?
the Doctor: no i really don't. i'm getting too old for this shit.
* Missy leaves the room where she and Clara are captured and walks on water into space...and eventually she meets Mordecai and Rigby in Purple Space.
* Clara: you and the Doctor are friends?
Missy: of course.
Clara: but you fight all the time.
Missy: exactly.
Clara: so then you're more like brothers.
Missy: sisters.
* a Dalek approaches the Doctor with gunstick out.
Dalek: PARTICIPATE!!!
the Doctor: what?
Dalek: hi, i'm the tennis-ball shooter from that episode of Total Drama Ridonculous Race, nice to meet you.
the Doctor: hello. do i shake your gunstick or what?
* Davros: if you could kill Hitler as a child, would you?
the Doctor: i've thought eons about this and my answer now is yes, i should have killed you as a boy.
Davros: no man, not me, Hitler, Hitler, this is a hypothetical! what is wrong with you, man?!
* Davros: i needed to created the Daleks to counter your sappy goodness.
the Doctor: you have destroyed so much life in the universe, and for what?
Davros: cos without the Daleks there is no show. i mean you think people will tune in each week to watch an old fart tinkering in his state-of-the-art lab on Gallifrey for an hour?
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