notes:
* we'll all been there, huh
* National International Worldwide Day of Play? today? or is that giant beachball everywhere on my screen a glitch or an unwanted screensaver?
* Brody: so you're Emma? interesting, another hot Asian named Emma in Power Rangers who is not a Ranger like the last Emma but wants to be.
Emma: i'm a better actor, too, i'm more emotive than she was.
Brody: yeah i never got that with the previous Emma. looks like that's just online bashing after the fact cos she did porn and won't answer their DMs.
* secretary: so i won't have to look through all these binders full of women for my porn?
* Victor Vincent: oh yeah, my 50th-trophy thing, thought they dropped that arc and everyone forgot about that. that will obviously be my conclusion in this series...
Monty: your 50th trophy will be me.
* Emma: so i'm just gonna come right out and say it, i'm one of those Asians who craves desperately for there to be equal representation in media. we're not all techie nerds, we want to be the superhero, too.
Brody: you got a nice butt in those jeans, that's a start, right?
* Brody: Emma, fix my phone but don't look through it...
Typeface: *computer-based pun threat*
* Monty: we're sure to win the science fair! with this Battleborgs thing i made for the pool!
Victor: it's working, Monty! look at that masse shot! like that guy with the beard does it on tv on ESPN Ocho!
Monty: yeah the key to my inventions is let it go once then shut it down. don't destroy it, just turn the OFF switch.
* Emma: whoa! look at me go! i'm obviously the Silver Ranger, right?
Chip Lynne: you're not Rubenesque enough to be one of our girls.
Emma: no need to thank me, Rangers, just DM me your naked selfies later.
Calvin: naked selfies?
Emma: yeah, your unmasked selfies.
* Madame Odius: Comcast Support? hello, i've been calling for days. two-to-four hour window? i'm looking out my window right now, from space!
Typeface: i'm here. what seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Odius: can you fix my tv reception so i DON'T get that infernal Cosmo Royale game show?
* Sarah: i'm gonna blindfold you...............this has nothing to do with BDSM...
* Emma: this blindfold is sexy! much sexier than my glasses when it comes to covering my eyes.
Redbot: so you think a human can best me, a robot!? you stupid witch!!
Emma: *shakes hands* i read your Red book...
Redbot: ...oh i mean you are so beautiful.
Emma: what's this Thor hammer with the tuft of hair?
Redbot: you'll never see that again. Mick can only do that trick once.
* Brody: wow, Emma, you're like a regular computer ninja!
Emma: i work for Comcast. and don't patronize me, there's no computer ninja, just look at me, say it to my eyes, you don't want me on the team. don't treat me like i'm fucking Snarf.
* Badonna: YEAH BOI! heck yeah! shit, you guys thought i couldn't kick ass, huh!? thought i was just another pretty mask.
* Emma: i don't get it. Badonna had lasers and i had this wooden sword......next time i'll use my metal sword!
* Brody: okay, we're gonna spin you blind around in circles on this motorcycle for like an hour to pretend that you're going to the hidden location of our secret lair. in truth, you'll never leave the junkyard....dammit!
Hayley: damn you dumb, son.
* Rangers: we will defeat you, Typeface! WE WILL USE OUR POWER, WITNESS THE INDESTRUCTIBLE POWER OF KERNING!
Typeface: no, not Kerning! anything but KERNING!!! i'm melting!...............
* Emma: so i guess the lesson for me is that i CAN'T exceed my expectations. i was born to be a geek.
Brody: hey, if it's any consolation, you still have a nice butt. that's more than most girls have going for them.
Emma: pretty sure i'm on some New Zealand soap-opera where i play the siren who has that exotic Chinese-Australian accent going on.
Brody: no tits yet but you're not fully-grown. so you didn't scroll through my phone, right?
* Victor and Monty: okay guys, we did it this time. it's called a vending machine! for food!
Monty: remember, it only works once. get yourself a plate of a dish that combines all six foods, delicious! quinoa oatmeal oatmeal-cookies pizza spaghetti nachos is the best!
Victor: wait, it's the end of the episode, something bad always happens to us. i got it! i'll close this mailslot door here so the machine will malfunction but nothing will sputter out and hit our classmates' faces in a sticky splash.
Monty: Victor, you're a bit of a slot slut, aren't you.
Levi: i appreciate the white stiff on my face but not on my just-ironed ten-gallon cowboy hat.
* Brody: so that whole thing with the mysterious longshoreman by the docks filming us? what happened to that threadline in this story?
Preston: never resolved. gonna be used for our series finale, a very special dark episode about stalking to premiere at Christmastime.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Saturday, September 29, 2018
Monday, September 24, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Terminus Mandate"
notes:
* James Bond: stop mocking my film titles and making them better!
* Luke Skywalker: i was a padawan, a boy, and a judge. i've been a clown and a clown. and now, in my greatest role, i am Plasticman...
* Sheila: berets don't work on dudes. even Existentialist dudes.
Red Death: i make anything look good. on account of my face.
Sheila: i look like a cross between Chun-Li and M. Bison from Street Fighter.
* agent Dick: her name is...White Carmen Sandiego!
* Rusty: i don't want to kill her, i want to kill her with kindness i mean i want to ask her out.
Dick agent: but you already have a mother.
Rusty: what's her web address...get it?
Dick agent: Colin got there first. babes love funny guys.
* Dick agent: Penthouse forums...
Rusty: wow, you really did read it for the articles. orifices?
Dick agent: please. this is adult swim, not HBO.
* Sheila: White Rage, stumble over here. you look like Steve Kerr after the Warriors get swept by the Lakers in the First Round.
White Rage: i'm Johnny. all white men are Johnny. you were my ex-girlfriend...
Sheila: no.
White Rage: ex-mistress? same thing. can i lick this red lemon in memory of Pop Team Epic? you know what never mind that. don't come crawling to me...unless you're on your knees in twelve-inch heels.
Sheila: stop spitting your food out on me, you cretin.
White Rage: but i'm eating breath mints.
* White Rage: who are you supposed to be, Pasqually?
Phantom Limb: still a better love story than The Phantom Menace. i-uh-make-a-uh-the-pizza.
White Rage: what's your topping reco?
Phantom Limb: gluten-free.
* Sheila: can't find 13. probably better as 13 is unlucky. we 7 are lucky. you, Two Head, you count as one.
Two Head: no respect. never no respect.
Red Death: we did it all for the parking fees.
Two Head: just as well. we are of retirement age.
* Rusty: friend her, Hank! this is my last chance to bag a millennial! i haven't been touched since Hank's graduation.
Hank: gross.
Rusty: it actually was AT that graduation. i am a man. a pathetic man but a man. she's a courtesan. hey that rhymed. i mean she would know how to touch me more than, say, Hank's mother.
* Monarch: i'm happy for you. no i'm not. i used to have a career in science, too. i used to be Mighty. we used to have sex. you dropped me like a hot potato.
Sheila: i love you, sweetie, we can't have sex anymore cos it's not a good look for an Evil Head.
Monarch: *crying* no more Head head?
* Sheila: Gary, stop talking. i can't stand your voice. i will have an affair on your boss simply to spite you for that voice.
Gary: your voice is a chain-smoker's. isn't that calling the kettle black?
Sheila: you callin' me a witch with a b in her bonnet? yeah that was back in my Willy Wonka phase. all young girls have a Willy Wonka phase. so embarrassing. it was a blood diamond anyway...
Sheila: will you stop opening the cash bags! i already had my Smurfette phase!
White Carmen Sandiego: don't i look good in my wedding dress?
Sheila: i'm a career girl.
White Carmen Sandiego: don't believe the hype! who do you think you are, Melanie Griffith? news flash, sista, the fish out there ain't gonna be Antonio or Harrison.
Sheila: tell me about it. butterflies are so beautiful, i just noticed this as i was living my life. i'm on you like white on wedding rice!
White Carmen Sandiego: my boomerang bouquet is full of ragweed!
* Phantom Limb: i'm in the middle of filming a '70s porno.
Gathers: Let My Puppets Come?
Phantom Limb: no, but artistic like that. animation. adult animation. nothing better than adult animation.
Gathers: you bring the tape measure.
Phantom Limb: I shall do no such thing, sir! i shall bring the wood ruler! i'm sensitive about these things ever since my other extremities stopped existing.
* Wide Wale: how's my daughter?
Rob: who?
Wide Wale: you're my Staff Secretary, right?
* Dr. Z: see, I predicted ALL of this! i was the first one to make fun of classic Hanna-Barbera action superhero cartoons myself. i am responsible for the very creation of this network! i predicted the rise of House of Anubis.
Johnny: that guy still holds onto the character playing those PlayStation video games. but it just isn't the same. he doesn't have his raven with him anymore, he has an umbrella.
Dr. Z: Stormtroopers can't shoot, i did that first.
* Left: i hate you!
Right: but i'm a part of you. we are America.
Left: i know, this is going to be impossible. like Brexit.
* Two Head: i was so happy when i vomited that oatmeal out. it showed i could still eat.
Two Head: want to watch Downton Abbey?
Two Head: i've been watching this fine PBS program since its inception. every episode all these years. i still thought up until five minutes ago that it was DownTOWN Abbey.
Two Head: the nice Republican, right? Tim with the beard? looks like a monk.
Two Head: i want to fuck Violet from Downton Abbey. you know she's a firecracker under the sheets. gilfs are magic.
Skwisgaar: so are gilf gifs. i'm with you, patna. all of my groupie orgies are orgies with grannies. i can't help it.
Two Head: sorry about your show. at least there was a wrapup special. and those vinyl records for the hipsters.
Skwisgaar: not really. we still had, like, two seasons left...
* Red Death: respect your elders, sonny boy! (oooh i like the color of all these hanging Chinese lanterns.)
Red Death, jr.: i am in fact your son. i'm your boy. didn't you see my red fire flares in tribute? on my costume not my farts. i was trying to copy you. imitation and flattery and sincerity and all that mush.
Red Death: i thought you were trying to copyright me.
* Left/Right: i murdered you in the Observatory with the telescope by my other half!
Right/Left: in Clue, that is, not for real. not a real murder. none of this is real, it's all makebelieve pretend.
* Dean: i'm doing my best Madonna impression.
Rusty: just cos i dance around naked in my negligee at night don't make me Madonna.
* Rusty: BROCK! don't you believe in love? not every human being was born to be a weapon!
Dean: i feel so chilly out.
Rusty: GOTCHA! my jacuzzi is under the sheets of my bed!
* Hank: Pop can you sign this permission slip to the county zoo i mean that makes Sirena legal?
* Dean: don't drink. it just might save your life. just drink purple stuff.
Hank: but probably not purple drank.
* Gathers: the nuns taught me about measurements...
* Red Death: before hipsters with frosted tips, there was the noble death: by tick-tock, by clock, by measurement. gives you hope. false hope. what if the trains don't run on time? news flash, sista, we live on Nazi Earth!
* Guild members of the GCI: whoa! you actually killed your arch!? this is all supposed to be harmless cosplay fun, man, cosplay.
Red Death: you should have seen his eyes...
Red Death, jr: that was brutal. i think what i'm gonna hate you for most is forever ruining my childhood nostalgia of the Disneyland monorail.
* Dr. Z: can you leave my boy this note? sorry, i can't write anymore from constantly pointing my finger up in the air. btw nurse, can i borrow that table-tennis table? i'm in Naruto training for Tokyo 2020.
Dr. Z: visiting hours? is he in prison? where did i go wrong with him!?
* Sheila: Gary, you're gonna see me cry for the first time, i hope you're prepared.
Gary: i spend more time with you than your husband. my shoulder is soaked. wanna cut my hair?
Sheila: yes! i got the perfect rattail for you!
White Carmen Sandiego: you look good after all these years, missy!
Sheila: good animators, ensures no wrinkles nor need for expensive plastic surgery. and you are a goddess as always. you look like the personification of Lancôme skincream.
White Carmen: turn around and let me get a good look at your ass. it's nice. i can't see it cos i'm tall but it probably looks nice.
Sheila: i was always jealous of you.....................r purse.
Gary: when womyns hug, i pee a little in my mouth. it's just so beautiful, more female-on-female arching, please. it's genuine and Lifetime. is this what you would have done with Kimberly McManus?
Sheila: who?
Gary: the mole.
* Johnny Quest: so as you can see, i'm older now. a burnout Kurt Cobain.
Dr. Z: no, no, you look more like a young Jeff Conaway.
Johnny: this is getting awkward pausally.....................like Celebrity Rehab awkward.
Dr. Z: why were the ancient Greeks able to get away with so much kinky taboo stuff? cos they were smart? i'm smart. oh, can i keep the Anubis wolfhead? yeah i need it for football tailgate and my legal bills. Bill and OJ you see. can you please run around and hide one more time for old times' sake?
Johnny: i would but all the plants here are regulated...
Dr. Z: can i borrow your jogging pants? the drawstring on mine is always loose and my pants keep falling down.
* Two Head: our favorite band is Hoobastank! *makes the devil's fingers, twice*
* Rusty: ah, so i see you really are Carmen Sandiego with your dark tanned Spanish skin. fancy a booty call?
Carmen: i've never heard those words placed in that exact order before.
Rusty: do you like my body? do you think i'm sexy?
Carmen: just your skinny ass.
Rusty: do you have any skeletons in my closet?
Carmen: yes, how did you know!? from all over the world so they can't be traced. we really shouldn't be drinking this week.
* Sheila: got her purse.
Gary: you're badass. can i eat her red lipstick? you can steal a woman's soul that way.
Sheila: don't want her psychic energy. i threw the stick out into the streetcurb gutter. not cruelty-free.
* Guild: what say you, Madame Councilman? dissolve?
Sheila: yes, dissolve, tv term. end credits...
* Sirena: hi there. two episodes left, one for each of my luscious bulbous rounded fat phatass asscheeks glistening from sweat dripping off their surface.
* James Bond: stop mocking my film titles and making them better!
* Luke Skywalker: i was a padawan, a boy, and a judge. i've been a clown and a clown. and now, in my greatest role, i am Plasticman...
* Sheila: berets don't work on dudes. even Existentialist dudes.
Red Death: i make anything look good. on account of my face.
Sheila: i look like a cross between Chun-Li and M. Bison from Street Fighter.
* agent Dick: her name is...White Carmen Sandiego!
* Rusty: i don't want to kill her, i want to kill her with kindness i mean i want to ask her out.
Dick agent: but you already have a mother.
Rusty: what's her web address...get it?
Dick agent: Colin got there first. babes love funny guys.
* Dick agent: Penthouse forums...
Rusty: wow, you really did read it for the articles. orifices?
Dick agent: please. this is adult swim, not HBO.
* Sheila: White Rage, stumble over here. you look like Steve Kerr after the Warriors get swept by the Lakers in the First Round.
White Rage: i'm Johnny. all white men are Johnny. you were my ex-girlfriend...
Sheila: no.
White Rage: ex-mistress? same thing. can i lick this red lemon in memory of Pop Team Epic? you know what never mind that. don't come crawling to me...unless you're on your knees in twelve-inch heels.
Sheila: stop spitting your food out on me, you cretin.
White Rage: but i'm eating breath mints.
* White Rage: who are you supposed to be, Pasqually?
Phantom Limb: still a better love story than The Phantom Menace. i-uh-make-a-uh-the-pizza.
White Rage: what's your topping reco?
Phantom Limb: gluten-free.
* Sheila: can't find 13. probably better as 13 is unlucky. we 7 are lucky. you, Two Head, you count as one.
Two Head: no respect. never no respect.
Red Death: we did it all for the parking fees.
Two Head: just as well. we are of retirement age.
* Rusty: friend her, Hank! this is my last chance to bag a millennial! i haven't been touched since Hank's graduation.
Hank: gross.
Rusty: it actually was AT that graduation. i am a man. a pathetic man but a man. she's a courtesan. hey that rhymed. i mean she would know how to touch me more than, say, Hank's mother.
* Monarch: i'm happy for you. no i'm not. i used to have a career in science, too. i used to be Mighty. we used to have sex. you dropped me like a hot potato.
Sheila: i love you, sweetie, we can't have sex anymore cos it's not a good look for an Evil Head.
Monarch: *crying* no more Head head?
* Sheila: Gary, stop talking. i can't stand your voice. i will have an affair on your boss simply to spite you for that voice.
Gary: your voice is a chain-smoker's. isn't that calling the kettle black?
Sheila: you callin' me a witch with a b in her bonnet? yeah that was back in my Willy Wonka phase. all young girls have a Willy Wonka phase. so embarrassing. it was a blood diamond anyway...
Sheila: will you stop opening the cash bags! i already had my Smurfette phase!
White Carmen Sandiego: don't i look good in my wedding dress?
Sheila: i'm a career girl.
White Carmen Sandiego: don't believe the hype! who do you think you are, Melanie Griffith? news flash, sista, the fish out there ain't gonna be Antonio or Harrison.
Sheila: tell me about it. butterflies are so beautiful, i just noticed this as i was living my life. i'm on you like white on wedding rice!
White Carmen Sandiego: my boomerang bouquet is full of ragweed!
* Phantom Limb: i'm in the middle of filming a '70s porno.
Gathers: Let My Puppets Come?
Phantom Limb: no, but artistic like that. animation. adult animation. nothing better than adult animation.
Gathers: you bring the tape measure.
Phantom Limb: I shall do no such thing, sir! i shall bring the wood ruler! i'm sensitive about these things ever since my other extremities stopped existing.
* Wide Wale: how's my daughter?
Rob: who?
Wide Wale: you're my Staff Secretary, right?
* Dr. Z: see, I predicted ALL of this! i was the first one to make fun of classic Hanna-Barbera action superhero cartoons myself. i am responsible for the very creation of this network! i predicted the rise of House of Anubis.
Johnny: that guy still holds onto the character playing those PlayStation video games. but it just isn't the same. he doesn't have his raven with him anymore, he has an umbrella.
Dr. Z: Stormtroopers can't shoot, i did that first.
* Left: i hate you!
Right: but i'm a part of you. we are America.
Left: i know, this is going to be impossible. like Brexit.
* Two Head: i was so happy when i vomited that oatmeal out. it showed i could still eat.
Two Head: want to watch Downton Abbey?
Two Head: i've been watching this fine PBS program since its inception. every episode all these years. i still thought up until five minutes ago that it was DownTOWN Abbey.
Two Head: the nice Republican, right? Tim with the beard? looks like a monk.
Two Head: i want to fuck Violet from Downton Abbey. you know she's a firecracker under the sheets. gilfs are magic.
Skwisgaar: so are gilf gifs. i'm with you, patna. all of my groupie orgies are orgies with grannies. i can't help it.
Two Head: sorry about your show. at least there was a wrapup special. and those vinyl records for the hipsters.
Skwisgaar: not really. we still had, like, two seasons left...
* Red Death: respect your elders, sonny boy! (oooh i like the color of all these hanging Chinese lanterns.)
Red Death, jr.: i am in fact your son. i'm your boy. didn't you see my red fire flares in tribute? on my costume not my farts. i was trying to copy you. imitation and flattery and sincerity and all that mush.
Red Death: i thought you were trying to copyright me.
* Left/Right: i murdered you in the Observatory with the telescope by my other half!
Right/Left: in Clue, that is, not for real. not a real murder. none of this is real, it's all makebelieve pretend.
* Dean: i'm doing my best Madonna impression.
Rusty: just cos i dance around naked in my negligee at night don't make me Madonna.
* Rusty: BROCK! don't you believe in love? not every human being was born to be a weapon!
Dean: i feel so chilly out.
Rusty: GOTCHA! my jacuzzi is under the sheets of my bed!
* Hank: Pop can you sign this permission slip to the county zoo i mean that makes Sirena legal?
* Dean: don't drink. it just might save your life. just drink purple stuff.
Hank: but probably not purple drank.
* Gathers: the nuns taught me about measurements...
* Red Death: before hipsters with frosted tips, there was the noble death: by tick-tock, by clock, by measurement. gives you hope. false hope. what if the trains don't run on time? news flash, sista, we live on Nazi Earth!
* Guild members of the GCI: whoa! you actually killed your arch!? this is all supposed to be harmless cosplay fun, man, cosplay.
Red Death: you should have seen his eyes...
Red Death, jr: that was brutal. i think what i'm gonna hate you for most is forever ruining my childhood nostalgia of the Disneyland monorail.
* Dr. Z: can you leave my boy this note? sorry, i can't write anymore from constantly pointing my finger up in the air. btw nurse, can i borrow that table-tennis table? i'm in Naruto training for Tokyo 2020.
Dr. Z: visiting hours? is he in prison? where did i go wrong with him!?
* Sheila: Gary, you're gonna see me cry for the first time, i hope you're prepared.
Gary: i spend more time with you than your husband. my shoulder is soaked. wanna cut my hair?
Sheila: yes! i got the perfect rattail for you!
White Carmen Sandiego: you look good after all these years, missy!
Sheila: good animators, ensures no wrinkles nor need for expensive plastic surgery. and you are a goddess as always. you look like the personification of Lancôme skincream.
White Carmen: turn around and let me get a good look at your ass. it's nice. i can't see it cos i'm tall but it probably looks nice.
Sheila: i was always jealous of you.....................r purse.
Gary: when womyns hug, i pee a little in my mouth. it's just so beautiful, more female-on-female arching, please. it's genuine and Lifetime. is this what you would have done with Kimberly McManus?
Sheila: who?
Gary: the mole.
* Johnny Quest: so as you can see, i'm older now. a burnout Kurt Cobain.
Dr. Z: no, no, you look more like a young Jeff Conaway.
Johnny: this is getting awkward pausally.....................like Celebrity Rehab awkward.
Dr. Z: why were the ancient Greeks able to get away with so much kinky taboo stuff? cos they were smart? i'm smart. oh, can i keep the Anubis wolfhead? yeah i need it for football tailgate and my legal bills. Bill and OJ you see. can you please run around and hide one more time for old times' sake?
Johnny: i would but all the plants here are regulated...
Dr. Z: can i borrow your jogging pants? the drawstring on mine is always loose and my pants keep falling down.
* Two Head: our favorite band is Hoobastank! *makes the devil's fingers, twice*
* Rusty: ah, so i see you really are Carmen Sandiego with your dark tanned Spanish skin. fancy a booty call?
Carmen: i've never heard those words placed in that exact order before.
Rusty: do you like my body? do you think i'm sexy?
Carmen: just your skinny ass.
Rusty: do you have any skeletons in my closet?
Carmen: yes, how did you know!? from all over the world so they can't be traced. we really shouldn't be drinking this week.
* Sheila: got her purse.
Gary: you're badass. can i eat her red lipstick? you can steal a woman's soul that way.
Sheila: don't want her psychic energy. i threw the stick out into the streetcurb gutter. not cruelty-free.
* Guild: what say you, Madame Councilman? dissolve?
Sheila: yes, dissolve, tv term. end credits...
* Sirena: hi there. two episodes left, one for each of my luscious bulbous rounded fat phatass asscheeks glistening from sweat dripping off their surface.
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Sheriff Skyfire"
notes:
* Ryan Guzman: so............i guess I'M the Gold Ranger........
* Sarah and Hayley: it is wild (force rangers) that BOTH of us are pregnant at the same time!
Monty: speaks to the general sluttiness of the set.
Sarah: want me to slam this hoverboard down your throat?
Monty: what? it's a porn set, what do we expect?
* Blammo: this is my..........DRAGONBALL!
* Sheriff Skyfire: hello, i am............
Cosmo jumps up and makes himself horizontal and takes out his gun.
Cosmo: KENNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
* Sheriff: was this asshole bothering you, ma'am?
Madame Odius: that's madame. oh, you are so handsome!
Badonna: i saw him first!
Sheriff: how can you tell? i'm wearing a mask.
Odius and Badonna: so are we.
Odius: those pesky Rangers stole my diamond ring! i'm getting married.
Sheriff: to me?
Odius: to Badonna.
Badonna faints.
* Clint: hey, no skateboarding in the halls!
Tony Hawk: but i'm Tiny Hawk from the Venture Bros. skate or die, mall cop!
Clint: hey watch yo mouth, punk! i WISH this dump of a school was a mall, at least there would be hot chicks.
* Victor Vincent: wait, so you mall cops just TAKE stuff without permission because of a rulebook?
Monty: you're like the Government.
Clint: i have now officially deputized you as student deputies.
Victor: aw, we're still students, that sucks.
Clint: you have to read and learn by heart this entire rulebook, everything by the book, throw the book at you.
Victor: i don't read nuthin'.
* Clint: i don't make the rules, i just enforce them.
Hayley: isn't that what the Nazis said at that trial? you do realize this is a wolf, not a dog.
Clint: wolves are just dogs who were never shown love. hey, RECYCLE, bitch, RECYCLE!!! this is for the environment so i can call you bitch!
Hayley: you realize my booty is bigger than your whole frame, right? want me to sock you into next Saturday?
Clint: will the episode be better then?
* in fairness, i learned a lot from this episode. i'm a stickler for that, too, i see a lot of trash that should be recycled. i recycle EVERYTHING. like dirty napkins, i figure napkins are paper so ALL NAPKINS should be recycled, not thrown away in the trash, that's a hotbutton-issue to this day, the existential question of our time, napkins: trash or recycle?
Clint: trash or treasure?
Chip Lynne: no one's talkin' to you.
* Monty: what are you waiting for, Victor? that girl is eating a banana!
Victor: just wait, Monty, wait and you'll see............wait and learn...
* man in Zealand accent: hey! that was my science experiment!
Victor: i didn't see any triptych cardboard! i'm eating these blueberries and i don't even like blueberries!
* Sheriff: do you like my sword?
Brody: yes yes, very much, it's so shiny and smooth, i like to rub the edge of it all the way down.
Sheriff: wanna switch swords?
Sarah: okay, cut! daytime, guys, it's daytime here remember?
* Sheriff: it seems i was tricked by a bitch in a mask.
Preston: she has that effect on all of us. she wears a mask so you can't tell what her facial expression is, if she's being sarcastic or not.
Sheriff: i'm for Rod, he enforces the law. yeah it's like an email, you can never tell the tone of it just with the type.
* Clint: i hate my job, i hate my life.
Mick Kanic: don't push it, buddy.
Clint: it's afterschool and i'm sorting out trash from recycleables instead of getting a sodapop at the centre. my parents wanted me to be a lawyer but i said i wanted to have Sideshow-Bob-hair and write essays about winners-take-all.
Clint: i wish you kids would have a little consideration. look i found a bomb. a bomb is METAL, people, not trash.
Hayley: yeah that's pretty hardcore *she gives the devil's fingers*
a group of real police officers arrest Clint on the spot for carrying a bomb and call him clit.
* Hayley: this isn't fair! why do i have to work!? i'm going to school! and i'm pregnant!
teacher: look at all these notes!
Hayley: these aren't my detentions! they're your jury-duty and appointments with the psychiatrist!
* Rangers: if you weren't so diligent at your job, we would have never found the bomb!
Clint: great. but can i get out of prison now? i'm too short to make it out alive.
Sarah: tell me about it, sista.
Calvin: you know i kinda like rooting through all the city trash like a raccoon. if this Ranger thing doesn't work out---which it won't cos being a Ranger isn't a real job---i want to be a trashman!
Hayley: that won't be enough to feed our growing family of six.
Calvin: you got pregnant again!? but we didn't do it this time!
Blammo: hey Sarah, they call me Blammo but i hear YOU went blammo.
Sarah: not cool, monster.
* Sheriff: great job, Rangers! well i'm off now. riding off into the sunset alone...
Brody: join us. you look exactly like me. you can replace me when i get tired of this gig.
Sheriff: not underneath this mask i don't...
* Hayley: look, Clint. i invented this machine which separates the trash and recycleables automatically.
Clint: oh, so you replaced me with a machine. thanks. rendered my job meaningless.
Hayley: here at Power Rangers we learn to respect cops and law enforcement. they're just doing their job, if you want the law changed, run for Congress. but that still doesn't excuse that time you pushed me to the ground and held a gun to my head.
Clint: yeah, white-man cop, black woman on the street, it's a volatile combination.
Calvin: sorry for ramrodding my truck into the school sprinklers and creating all the water in our oceans we must conserve now so we can surf on it.
Sarah: yeah, and sorry for getting pregnant on school grounds.
* students: hey Clint, can you help us with a problem?
Cint: anything. lead the way, children.
students: help us beat up our teacher.
* Monty: Victor, have you read Willy Wonka?
Victor: no, Monty, my mom wouldn't let me see that film because there was child-abuse in it.
Monty: Victor, is your favorite band Veruca Salt?
Victor: it is now. why is everyone humming the Oompa-Loompa theme to us behind our backs which are now so big we can't see them? Monty my worst fear has come true: i don't mind being blue cos that means i get to fuck Smurfette, but i'm fat!!!
* Ryan Guzman: so............i guess I'M the Gold Ranger........
* Sarah and Hayley: it is wild (force rangers) that BOTH of us are pregnant at the same time!
Monty: speaks to the general sluttiness of the set.
Sarah: want me to slam this hoverboard down your throat?
Monty: what? it's a porn set, what do we expect?
* Blammo: this is my..........DRAGONBALL!
* Sheriff Skyfire: hello, i am............
Cosmo jumps up and makes himself horizontal and takes out his gun.
Cosmo: KENNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
* Sheriff: was this asshole bothering you, ma'am?
Madame Odius: that's madame. oh, you are so handsome!
Badonna: i saw him first!
Sheriff: how can you tell? i'm wearing a mask.
Odius and Badonna: so are we.
Odius: those pesky Rangers stole my diamond ring! i'm getting married.
Sheriff: to me?
Odius: to Badonna.
Badonna faints.
* Clint: hey, no skateboarding in the halls!
Tony Hawk: but i'm Tiny Hawk from the Venture Bros. skate or die, mall cop!
Clint: hey watch yo mouth, punk! i WISH this dump of a school was a mall, at least there would be hot chicks.
* Victor Vincent: wait, so you mall cops just TAKE stuff without permission because of a rulebook?
Monty: you're like the Government.
Clint: i have now officially deputized you as student deputies.
Victor: aw, we're still students, that sucks.
Clint: you have to read and learn by heart this entire rulebook, everything by the book, throw the book at you.
Victor: i don't read nuthin'.
* Clint: i don't make the rules, i just enforce them.
Hayley: isn't that what the Nazis said at that trial? you do realize this is a wolf, not a dog.
Clint: wolves are just dogs who were never shown love. hey, RECYCLE, bitch, RECYCLE!!! this is for the environment so i can call you bitch!
Hayley: you realize my booty is bigger than your whole frame, right? want me to sock you into next Saturday?
Clint: will the episode be better then?
* in fairness, i learned a lot from this episode. i'm a stickler for that, too, i see a lot of trash that should be recycled. i recycle EVERYTHING. like dirty napkins, i figure napkins are paper so ALL NAPKINS should be recycled, not thrown away in the trash, that's a hotbutton-issue to this day, the existential question of our time, napkins: trash or recycle?
Clint: trash or treasure?
Chip Lynne: no one's talkin' to you.
* Monty: what are you waiting for, Victor? that girl is eating a banana!
Victor: just wait, Monty, wait and you'll see............wait and learn...
* man in Zealand accent: hey! that was my science experiment!
Victor: i didn't see any triptych cardboard! i'm eating these blueberries and i don't even like blueberries!
* Sheriff: do you like my sword?
Brody: yes yes, very much, it's so shiny and smooth, i like to rub the edge of it all the way down.
Sheriff: wanna switch swords?
Sarah: okay, cut! daytime, guys, it's daytime here remember?
* Sheriff: it seems i was tricked by a bitch in a mask.
Preston: she has that effect on all of us. she wears a mask so you can't tell what her facial expression is, if she's being sarcastic or not.
Sheriff: i'm for Rod, he enforces the law. yeah it's like an email, you can never tell the tone of it just with the type.
* Clint: i hate my job, i hate my life.
Mick Kanic: don't push it, buddy.
Clint: it's afterschool and i'm sorting out trash from recycleables instead of getting a sodapop at the centre. my parents wanted me to be a lawyer but i said i wanted to have Sideshow-Bob-hair and write essays about winners-take-all.
Clint: i wish you kids would have a little consideration. look i found a bomb. a bomb is METAL, people, not trash.
Hayley: yeah that's pretty hardcore *she gives the devil's fingers*
a group of real police officers arrest Clint on the spot for carrying a bomb and call him clit.
* Hayley: this isn't fair! why do i have to work!? i'm going to school! and i'm pregnant!
teacher: look at all these notes!
Hayley: these aren't my detentions! they're your jury-duty and appointments with the psychiatrist!
* Rangers: if you weren't so diligent at your job, we would have never found the bomb!
Clint: great. but can i get out of prison now? i'm too short to make it out alive.
Sarah: tell me about it, sista.
Calvin: you know i kinda like rooting through all the city trash like a raccoon. if this Ranger thing doesn't work out---which it won't cos being a Ranger isn't a real job---i want to be a trashman!
Hayley: that won't be enough to feed our growing family of six.
Calvin: you got pregnant again!? but we didn't do it this time!
Blammo: hey Sarah, they call me Blammo but i hear YOU went blammo.
Sarah: not cool, monster.
* Sheriff: great job, Rangers! well i'm off now. riding off into the sunset alone...
Brody: join us. you look exactly like me. you can replace me when i get tired of this gig.
Sheriff: not underneath this mask i don't...
* Hayley: look, Clint. i invented this machine which separates the trash and recycleables automatically.
Clint: oh, so you replaced me with a machine. thanks. rendered my job meaningless.
Hayley: here at Power Rangers we learn to respect cops and law enforcement. they're just doing their job, if you want the law changed, run for Congress. but that still doesn't excuse that time you pushed me to the ground and held a gun to my head.
Clint: yeah, white-man cop, black woman on the street, it's a volatile combination.
Calvin: sorry for ramrodding my truck into the school sprinklers and creating all the water in our oceans we must conserve now so we can surf on it.
Sarah: yeah, and sorry for getting pregnant on school grounds.
* students: hey Clint, can you help us with a problem?
Cint: anything. lead the way, children.
students: help us beat up our teacher.
* Monty: Victor, have you read Willy Wonka?
Victor: no, Monty, my mom wouldn't let me see that film because there was child-abuse in it.
Monty: Victor, is your favorite band Veruca Salt?
Victor: it is now. why is everyone humming the Oompa-Loompa theme to us behind our backs which are now so big we can't see them? Monty my worst fear has come true: i don't mind being blue cos that means i get to fuck Smurfette, but i'm fat!!!
Monday, September 17, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Unicorn in Captivity"
notes:
* okay now THAT was awesome
* i can't wait to watch this episode uncensored when the bluray comes out
* Dave Grohl: sorry, guys, i drank every pot of coffee in the animation studio. thus this season will be cut short this year...
* The Unicorn in Captivity: painted by Rothschild van Gogh and a hero man named Hieronymus. why aren't there any good tapestries anymore? nobody does tapestries anymore. why wasn't this hanging above my childhood bed? my childhood bed made of straw in my past life when i was a medieval page and sleeping?
* everyone knows my sordid history with Eyes Wide Shut. it was the last film i watched alone in a dark empty theatre on campus before my nervous breakdown. some say the film caused my breakdown. some say it was an accumulation of needles on beds of straw. i say i don't know but this was the first film where i really got to see Tom Cruise's wife act.
* Rusty: this is not that impressive. Gene predicted a transporter aeons ago.
* Billy: take a bite of the apple, you old witch!
* Captain Crook: it's not fair! i've been out-of-work for decades! i've had to rely on the kindness of strangers with two arms and not a tail for feet. WHY DID THEY GET RID OF MCDONALDLAND!!!
Pete: you're still on those McDonald's beige cookies.
* Dean Martin: kids, pay attention. listen to your daddio. I am cool, okay? not Eminem. i had a black friend before that was cool. Bakugo from My Hero Academia is not cool, he's smart.
* Dean Martin: the first plan makes sense. of course i've never been sober in my life so...
* Dean Martin: plan's called off! Rusty named his kid after me. you have a nice ass, Tron lady. it's not Kimberly-McManus-level but you're getting there. a few more cybernetic implants.
Tron lady: i don't do this for you. i'm from the future. i am the first truly-independent woman...
* Racer X: i don't really exist...
* Monarch: i know Venture's Sleep Number! 25!
drill guy with mustache: 25 in relation to what? that number means nothing unscaled.
* Monarch: okay, i'll be your little lookout on your Ocean's 111 thingie. but be forewarned, monarchs can't swim. we fly over oceans like butterflies.
* Monarch: that's disgusting! either finish the milk yourself or get some more at the store, don't leave the milk carton sitting in the fridge and not a drop to drink!
Gary: that was said so poetically i WILL go to the grocer!
Sheila: get some Humira for me, Gary.
Gary: okay, i'll leave the milk out in the sun. i'll put it on the roof of our Munsters mansion.
* Rusty: are you blackmailing me?
Hunter Gathers: no, you're not black. do you see the problem here? the world order must be ordered. what if your mother-in-law's FedEx order gets screwed up and the drone accidentally transports her into the coldness of space?
Rusty: she would heat up space.
* Deep State: we go by many names. Knights Templar. Illuminati. but not Deep State. no no the deep state doesn't exist.
Rusty: but what are you really?
Deep State: we are all of your shadow, bifurcated and split into a Council of Twelve by the fact that you are right now really strapped into a huge carnival funhouse mirror.
Rusty: Build-a-Bear?
Deep State: we warned you. Build-a-Bears are just fronts for Mathnasiums.
* Rusty: why is one of the Members of your Council shaped like Sheila?
Sheila in shadow: what?
Rusty: i'd recognize the outline of her shapely ass anywhere.
* Rusty: so a whole bunch of Mozarts are taking my coat and opening doors for me and leading me to ornate Victorian sweeping staircases?
Salieri: no dammit I'M NOT MOZART!!! I'M FUCKING SALIERI!!!
* Rusty: you don't see that everyday.
shadowy figure in mask: what?
Rusty: Human Centipede not used for poo purposes.
shadowy figure: are you wearing a mask?
Rusty: no, this is my real face!
* Rusty: open bar?
barkeep: yes. but we're closed.
Rusty: these are tasty! what do you call these?
barkeep: orphan oysters i mean bull's testicles.
* Rusty: why do you have fuzzy stuff over your breasts?
Sheila: i don't see any fuzzy stuff over my breasts. you know i've always had a secret little crush on you, right? you're dorky but in a cool way. the Monarch's the other way around.
Rusty: it's like that Dr. Dre video with the big-titted girl playing volleyball.
* red robe: in this life, you either fuck or get fucked.
Rusty: so the dude with the metal penis, huh?
red robe: that's his thumb.
* Rusty: the Lady or the Tiger?
Sheila: just hold the hearings.
* Dean Martin: what's better than one Dean Martin? an army of 'em!
Gary: i believe the proper term for that is stans.
* Rusty: you want to keep me in here like a caged rat with a horn.
red robe: no, we're keeping the world protected from YOU. wait a minute, what is this tapestry? i thought i got a The Last Unicorn poster at the con!
* Gathers: get 'em laid and they think they're Masters of the Universe.
Brock: oh thank god! i knew there was a reason i put up with your shit. i don't look like Trump, i look like He-Man!
Gathers: sure. it's a simulation for you, too.
* want to know where Hank, Dean, and Sirena were this episode? engaging in a Devil's Threesome in Hank's bachelor-pad-slide-out-bed for next episode.
Gathers: that was a simulation, too.
* okay now THAT was awesome
* i can't wait to watch this episode uncensored when the bluray comes out
* Dave Grohl: sorry, guys, i drank every pot of coffee in the animation studio. thus this season will be cut short this year...
* The Unicorn in Captivity: painted by Rothschild van Gogh and a hero man named Hieronymus. why aren't there any good tapestries anymore? nobody does tapestries anymore. why wasn't this hanging above my childhood bed? my childhood bed made of straw in my past life when i was a medieval page and sleeping?
* everyone knows my sordid history with Eyes Wide Shut. it was the last film i watched alone in a dark empty theatre on campus before my nervous breakdown. some say the film caused my breakdown. some say it was an accumulation of needles on beds of straw. i say i don't know but this was the first film where i really got to see Tom Cruise's wife act.
* Rusty: this is not that impressive. Gene predicted a transporter aeons ago.
* Billy: take a bite of the apple, you old witch!
* Captain Crook: it's not fair! i've been out-of-work for decades! i've had to rely on the kindness of strangers with two arms and not a tail for feet. WHY DID THEY GET RID OF MCDONALDLAND!!!
Pete: you're still on those McDonald's beige cookies.
* Dean Martin: kids, pay attention. listen to your daddio. I am cool, okay? not Eminem. i had a black friend before that was cool. Bakugo from My Hero Academia is not cool, he's smart.
* Dean Martin: the first plan makes sense. of course i've never been sober in my life so...
* Dean Martin: plan's called off! Rusty named his kid after me. you have a nice ass, Tron lady. it's not Kimberly-McManus-level but you're getting there. a few more cybernetic implants.
Tron lady: i don't do this for you. i'm from the future. i am the first truly-independent woman...
* Racer X: i don't really exist...
* Monarch: i know Venture's Sleep Number! 25!
drill guy with mustache: 25 in relation to what? that number means nothing unscaled.
* Monarch: okay, i'll be your little lookout on your Ocean's 111 thingie. but be forewarned, monarchs can't swim. we fly over oceans like butterflies.
* Monarch: that's disgusting! either finish the milk yourself or get some more at the store, don't leave the milk carton sitting in the fridge and not a drop to drink!
Gary: that was said so poetically i WILL go to the grocer!
Sheila: get some Humira for me, Gary.
Gary: okay, i'll leave the milk out in the sun. i'll put it on the roof of our Munsters mansion.
* Rusty: are you blackmailing me?
Hunter Gathers: no, you're not black. do you see the problem here? the world order must be ordered. what if your mother-in-law's FedEx order gets screwed up and the drone accidentally transports her into the coldness of space?
Rusty: she would heat up space.
* Deep State: we go by many names. Knights Templar. Illuminati. but not Deep State. no no the deep state doesn't exist.
Rusty: but what are you really?
Deep State: we are all of your shadow, bifurcated and split into a Council of Twelve by the fact that you are right now really strapped into a huge carnival funhouse mirror.
Rusty: Build-a-Bear?
Deep State: we warned you. Build-a-Bears are just fronts for Mathnasiums.
* Rusty: why is one of the Members of your Council shaped like Sheila?
Sheila in shadow: what?
Rusty: i'd recognize the outline of her shapely ass anywhere.
* Rusty: so a whole bunch of Mozarts are taking my coat and opening doors for me and leading me to ornate Victorian sweeping staircases?
Salieri: no dammit I'M NOT MOZART!!! I'M FUCKING SALIERI!!!
* Rusty: you don't see that everyday.
shadowy figure in mask: what?
Rusty: Human Centipede not used for poo purposes.
shadowy figure: are you wearing a mask?
Rusty: no, this is my real face!
* Rusty: open bar?
barkeep: yes. but we're closed.
Rusty: these are tasty! what do you call these?
barkeep: orphan oysters i mean bull's testicles.
* Rusty: why do you have fuzzy stuff over your breasts?
Sheila: i don't see any fuzzy stuff over my breasts. you know i've always had a secret little crush on you, right? you're dorky but in a cool way. the Monarch's the other way around.
Rusty: it's like that Dr. Dre video with the big-titted girl playing volleyball.
* red robe: in this life, you either fuck or get fucked.
Rusty: so the dude with the metal penis, huh?
red robe: that's his thumb.
* Rusty: the Lady or the Tiger?
Sheila: just hold the hearings.
* Dean Martin: what's better than one Dean Martin? an army of 'em!
Gary: i believe the proper term for that is stans.
* Rusty: you want to keep me in here like a caged rat with a horn.
red robe: no, we're keeping the world protected from YOU. wait a minute, what is this tapestry? i thought i got a The Last Unicorn poster at the con!
* Gathers: get 'em laid and they think they're Masters of the Universe.
Brock: oh thank god! i knew there was a reason i put up with your shit. i don't look like Trump, i look like He-Man!
Gathers: sure. it's a simulation for you, too.
* want to know where Hank, Dean, and Sirena were this episode? engaging in a Devil's Threesome in Hank's bachelor-pad-slide-out-bed for next episode.
Gathers: that was a simulation, too.
Saturday, September 15, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Prepare To Fail"
notes:
* or Prepare To Fall. Prepare To Autumn.
* it would have been much more narratively interesting to have Brax an ACTUAL monster who was afraid to fight...the whole way through...the entire episode. you could speak to ED and other men's fears, would have been powerful and after-school-special. that's where i thought the writers were going here for a large chunk for a while. i would have stood up and clapped. spoilers.
* Chip Lynne: we got a black and a Chinaman, we good? we covered, Nickelodeon?
Nickelodeon: more. calls for more. we got a black April on TMNT now. we are the Left and the Left's gonna take back the House this November. Linda Ellerbee's coming out of retirement to host the special.
* Badonna: this is MY episode! what are you doing, milady Madame Odius?
Odius: preparing for my big Halloween special!
* Badonna: hey Chinaman! mess with my fuck and you'll wish you were never born! i know your secret!
representative monster: my erectile dysfunction? it hurts to cum.
Badonna: no, that you're secretly a minority.
* Badonna: oh Brax! I have hearts in my eyes for you, you can't see them cos of the mask. you are so manly, so macho macho man, i love your long sword and hairy muscles.
Brax: i'm scared of my own shadow.
Badonna: i can work with that, Philip K Dick is my favorite author.
* teacher: school isn't THAT easy. that first test was a take-home test.
Sarah: i've got it all: brains, beauty, butt.
* Victor Vincent: wait, you failed the test, too, Monty? i thought you were a nerd! now we're really screwed! hey Monty, where'd you get all those beans? are you an illegal?
Monty: my mom's a beancounter. literally.
Victor: okay, it's a good plan, just don't leave all the empty bean cans in the trash can in front of the teacher's desk. it will be much more effective if we hide the evidence.
* Preston: SHIT
* fan: Levi, sign this shit!
Levi: i learned my lesson last episode so okay. character continuity.
Preston: hey, you look like my girlfriend.
fan: i'm not.
Preston: SHIT
* Rangers: Sarah, come on, we have to study for the mathematics test. you can watch a movie of running a train on you anytime.
* Brax: I'M SCARED OF FIGHTING! i thought i'd be the only one with a sword!
* Sarah: teach, i am so sorry but i cannot take this exam, i didn't study for it. in my defense, i had to roommate up with my mom who's going to college at age 40, it's this side-sitcom thing we're doing strictly as an exclusive Nick.com webseries.
teacher: we don't have a college in this country, everyone here stays in high school forever. what do you want to be when you grow up, Sarah?
Sarah: a model. but i'm too short.
teacher: life's hard, Sarah. look at me, i'm a model slash teacher.
* Brax: joke's on you! i'm just a good actor! a good actor on this show!
* Sarah: why are you here!?
Brax: adult swim dropped my show. and to capture you! Badonna weants to learn some moves from you.
Sarah: martial-arts moves?
Brax: bedroom moves. this pleases me.
* Cosmo: STOP PUSHING ALL THE BUTTONS, BADONNA! you'll cause World War III!!! i mean World War 4!
* Rangers: monster, i hope you're into BDSM cos we bout to WHIP yo ass!
Chip Lynne: that's a close one, have to check with S&P on that one, right back...
* teacher: okay class, here are your gas masks, pass them out. World War 4 is starting.
Sarah: teach, can we talk?
teacher: no, i'm busy. no make-up test, you're a failure in life.
Sarah: i promise i'll study this time. trains can wait. look at my mathematics book, it's all full of mini colorful neon-color papers in the margins.
teacher: that's called art. and nobody says mathematics.
Sarah: teacher, on the next test, may i copy off your paper?
* Monty: you know Victor, i think i found my calling! that's a pretty good door i put up!
Victor: you're gonna be a carpenter? go to trade school?
Monty: no, i'm gonna be Jesus.
* Badonna: btw, what was your big secret? spoilers.
Asian monster: coffee runs right through me.
Badonna: there's an app for that. our ship is stock full of Humira. that's the illegal drug this space ship smuggles to stay afloat. what's YOUR big secret, milady?
Madame Odius: it's a secret................that will be revealed at Halloween............the Power Rangers are BIG on Halloween.................hopefully it won't get dropped...........like Preston's girlfriend
* or Prepare To Fall. Prepare To Autumn.
* it would have been much more narratively interesting to have Brax an ACTUAL monster who was afraid to fight...the whole way through...the entire episode. you could speak to ED and other men's fears, would have been powerful and after-school-special. that's where i thought the writers were going here for a large chunk for a while. i would have stood up and clapped. spoilers.
* Chip Lynne: we got a black and a Chinaman, we good? we covered, Nickelodeon?
Nickelodeon: more. calls for more. we got a black April on TMNT now. we are the Left and the Left's gonna take back the House this November. Linda Ellerbee's coming out of retirement to host the special.
* Badonna: this is MY episode! what are you doing, milady Madame Odius?
Odius: preparing for my big Halloween special!
* Badonna: hey Chinaman! mess with my fuck and you'll wish you were never born! i know your secret!
representative monster: my erectile dysfunction? it hurts to cum.
Badonna: no, that you're secretly a minority.
* Badonna: oh Brax! I have hearts in my eyes for you, you can't see them cos of the mask. you are so manly, so macho macho man, i love your long sword and hairy muscles.
Brax: i'm scared of my own shadow.
Badonna: i can work with that, Philip K Dick is my favorite author.
* teacher: school isn't THAT easy. that first test was a take-home test.
Sarah: i've got it all: brains, beauty, butt.
* Victor Vincent: wait, you failed the test, too, Monty? i thought you were a nerd! now we're really screwed! hey Monty, where'd you get all those beans? are you an illegal?
Monty: my mom's a beancounter. literally.
Victor: okay, it's a good plan, just don't leave all the empty bean cans in the trash can in front of the teacher's desk. it will be much more effective if we hide the evidence.
* Preston: SHIT
* fan: Levi, sign this shit!
Levi: i learned my lesson last episode so okay. character continuity.
Preston: hey, you look like my girlfriend.
fan: i'm not.
Preston: SHIT
* Rangers: Sarah, come on, we have to study for the mathematics test. you can watch a movie of running a train on you anytime.
* Brax: I'M SCARED OF FIGHTING! i thought i'd be the only one with a sword!
* Sarah: teach, i am so sorry but i cannot take this exam, i didn't study for it. in my defense, i had to roommate up with my mom who's going to college at age 40, it's this side-sitcom thing we're doing strictly as an exclusive Nick.com webseries.
teacher: we don't have a college in this country, everyone here stays in high school forever. what do you want to be when you grow up, Sarah?
Sarah: a model. but i'm too short.
teacher: life's hard, Sarah. look at me, i'm a model slash teacher.
* Brax: joke's on you! i'm just a good actor! a good actor on this show!
* Sarah: why are you here!?
Brax: adult swim dropped my show. and to capture you! Badonna weants to learn some moves from you.
Sarah: martial-arts moves?
Brax: bedroom moves. this pleases me.
* Cosmo: STOP PUSHING ALL THE BUTTONS, BADONNA! you'll cause World War III!!! i mean World War 4!
* Rangers: monster, i hope you're into BDSM cos we bout to WHIP yo ass!
Chip Lynne: that's a close one, have to check with S&P on that one, right back...
* teacher: okay class, here are your gas masks, pass them out. World War 4 is starting.
Sarah: teach, can we talk?
teacher: no, i'm busy. no make-up test, you're a failure in life.
Sarah: i promise i'll study this time. trains can wait. look at my mathematics book, it's all full of mini colorful neon-color papers in the margins.
teacher: that's called art. and nobody says mathematics.
Sarah: teacher, on the next test, may i copy off your paper?
* Monty: you know Victor, i think i found my calling! that's a pretty good door i put up!
Victor: you're gonna be a carpenter? go to trade school?
Monty: no, i'm gonna be Jesus.
* Badonna: btw, what was your big secret? spoilers.
Asian monster: coffee runs right through me.
Badonna: there's an app for that. our ship is stock full of Humira. that's the illegal drug this space ship smuggles to stay afloat. what's YOUR big secret, milady?
Madame Odius: it's a secret................that will be revealed at Halloween............the Power Rangers are BIG on Halloween.................hopefully it won't get dropped...........like Preston's girlfriend
Monday, September 10, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Bellicose Proxy"
notes:
* another stellar James Bond title
* Sirena: what's super science?
Dean: science for nerds.
* Brock: i used to be cool. then everyone figured out i look like Trump.
* is slice-of-life Venture Bros. as epic as epic Venture Bros.?
* Monarch: we're teachers. we don't need to enroll.
* Watch and Ward: every room in here was once a bathroom.
* Watch and Ward: we signed up for the Devil's Threesome but a lowlevel named Monty got the job lucky bastard.
Monty: i practiced by watching that Texas teacher orgy scandal online.
* S-464: you'll never break me. not even with your hypnotic blue eyes.
Sheila: first comes the butter. then the cheese. then the fat. then the powdered sugar...
S-464: MAKE IT STOP! scary. i am glucose-intolerant and intolerant of all foods.
Sheila: and then, y'know, the caged mask over the nose and about the eyes and we lock the cage and lock in on your eyes and send the rats in.
S-464: this will be a pleasure. George Orwell was my distant cousin thanks to 23 and Me.
* Sheila: the mission is clear, retrieve this mellon-collie eternally-sad man's woman. if i know anything about arching, it's the woman's mind.
S-464: are you making fun of my head?
* Monarch: hey Gary, i'm on a boat!
Gary: dead meme. oh look, i recognize this ship! it had that glassbottom for parties.
Monarch: what exactly is the glassbottom for? to see your doom and demise?
Gary: why do they paint the bottom of boats?
Monarch: Gary, are you sure you could be doing something with your life? i mean other than in costume? you seem smart enough to write for a blog.
* Gary: whatever happened to Roy Scheider?
Monarch: got eaten by that big fish.
* St. Cloud: i'm St. Cloud. i never got over the fact they said i was too short and fat to be a Final Fantasy hero. want to help me remove my rubber panties?
Monarch: panties are by definition meant to be lacey.
* St. Cloud: like my new costume?
Monarch: it's not the clothing that's the problem, it's your voice.
Gary: thanks, St. Cloud! nobody listens to my voice anymore! you're my favorite arch!
* dressing-room montage set to Rocky music.
Sheila: no. no. no. YES! no.
S-464 takes off his head.
Sheila: whoa, that's a little too radical even for San Francisco! where'd you come up with that look?
S-464: Carlos Reygadas. the ending of Post Tenebras Lux that to this day no one has the fuckingest clue what the hell that movie was about other than the rugby stuff which is evident.
* Billy: i'm scared of these boilerplate death threats! there's a boilerplate in my head! that's why i talk funny.
* Brock: no bathroom is safe from a bullet to the back. never go to the bathroom again.
* Monarch: we just happen to be training on a tennis court............you know i've never felt more powerful than when i sit here up high on this chair umpire's chair. i feel like a big baby.
* St. Cloud: of course all of this gas is coming from my small butt.
Monarch: you should have named yourself Red Swan. that's a good Hyde song that everyone inexplicably pisses on.
* Sean Connery: do not make me repeat my views on women on your face! i'm James Bond!
Mrs. Sean Connery: i'm ready to brawl with you, St. Cloud! i took my Ensure this morning.
St. Cloud: please, madam, don't drink that chalky dank milk, it transformed Jamie Lee Curtis from a hot gilf to an old woman with white hair.
* Monarch: what is your power?
St. Cloud: inherited wealth. some might call it presidential.
Monarch: sigh, that beats mine, which is Never Giving Up.
* St. Cloud: i've never laughed in my life. much less menacingly.
Monarch: pretend this tennis ball is your balls and your arch is the chair umpire and you're John McEnroe.
St. Cloud: be the ball?
Monarch: no, watch The Venture Bros., it's hilarious.
* Watch and Ward: hacking. it's basically just typing. but more like playing Tetris while typing.
* Kimberly McManus: you converted this Nerf gun into a real gun? that's just sick. you're under arrest for ruining childhoods!
* Sheila: okay, toots, put up your dukes. girlfight, that's what everyone here came to see. you know i brought the mud, let's do this thang. i'm gonna kick your big beautiful rounded butt!
Kimberly: i'm pleased to learn a woman is appreciating my awesome ass, makes it easier to accept the compliment. Power Ranger mode activate!
* Pete: where'd you get the gas?
St. Cloud: The Joker when he hung up his evil laugh.
Pete: he's not a villain anymore?
St. Cloud: no, he met Bruce at an earlier age and they became thunder buddies.
* S-464: explain to me the meaning of love.
Kimberly: wanna fuck?
* Sheila: i'm sorry, Monarch, i cannot be with you anymore.
Monarch: why, beloved?
Sheila: i'm like your teacher at that school, we don't want another Texas thing. plus i've fallen for another. Alex Trebek looks really hot with that salt-n-pepa Grizzly Adams beard.
* another stellar James Bond title
* Sirena: what's super science?
Dean: science for nerds.
* Brock: i used to be cool. then everyone figured out i look like Trump.
* is slice-of-life Venture Bros. as epic as epic Venture Bros.?
* Monarch: we're teachers. we don't need to enroll.
* Watch and Ward: every room in here was once a bathroom.
* Watch and Ward: we signed up for the Devil's Threesome but a lowlevel named Monty got the job lucky bastard.
Monty: i practiced by watching that Texas teacher orgy scandal online.
* S-464: you'll never break me. not even with your hypnotic blue eyes.
Sheila: first comes the butter. then the cheese. then the fat. then the powdered sugar...
S-464: MAKE IT STOP! scary. i am glucose-intolerant and intolerant of all foods.
Sheila: and then, y'know, the caged mask over the nose and about the eyes and we lock the cage and lock in on your eyes and send the rats in.
S-464: this will be a pleasure. George Orwell was my distant cousin thanks to 23 and Me.
* Sheila: the mission is clear, retrieve this mellon-collie eternally-sad man's woman. if i know anything about arching, it's the woman's mind.
S-464: are you making fun of my head?
* Monarch: hey Gary, i'm on a boat!
Gary: dead meme. oh look, i recognize this ship! it had that glassbottom for parties.
Monarch: what exactly is the glassbottom for? to see your doom and demise?
Gary: why do they paint the bottom of boats?
Monarch: Gary, are you sure you could be doing something with your life? i mean other than in costume? you seem smart enough to write for a blog.
* Gary: whatever happened to Roy Scheider?
Monarch: got eaten by that big fish.
* St. Cloud: i'm St. Cloud. i never got over the fact they said i was too short and fat to be a Final Fantasy hero. want to help me remove my rubber panties?
Monarch: panties are by definition meant to be lacey.
* St. Cloud: like my new costume?
Monarch: it's not the clothing that's the problem, it's your voice.
Gary: thanks, St. Cloud! nobody listens to my voice anymore! you're my favorite arch!
* dressing-room montage set to Rocky music.
Sheila: no. no. no. YES! no.
S-464 takes off his head.
Sheila: whoa, that's a little too radical even for San Francisco! where'd you come up with that look?
S-464: Carlos Reygadas. the ending of Post Tenebras Lux that to this day no one has the fuckingest clue what the hell that movie was about other than the rugby stuff which is evident.
* Billy: i'm scared of these boilerplate death threats! there's a boilerplate in my head! that's why i talk funny.
* Brock: no bathroom is safe from a bullet to the back. never go to the bathroom again.
* Monarch: we just happen to be training on a tennis court............you know i've never felt more powerful than when i sit here up high on this chair umpire's chair. i feel like a big baby.
* St. Cloud: of course all of this gas is coming from my small butt.
Monarch: you should have named yourself Red Swan. that's a good Hyde song that everyone inexplicably pisses on.
* Sean Connery: do not make me repeat my views on women on your face! i'm James Bond!
Mrs. Sean Connery: i'm ready to brawl with you, St. Cloud! i took my Ensure this morning.
St. Cloud: please, madam, don't drink that chalky dank milk, it transformed Jamie Lee Curtis from a hot gilf to an old woman with white hair.
* Monarch: what is your power?
St. Cloud: inherited wealth. some might call it presidential.
Monarch: sigh, that beats mine, which is Never Giving Up.
* St. Cloud: i've never laughed in my life. much less menacingly.
Monarch: pretend this tennis ball is your balls and your arch is the chair umpire and you're John McEnroe.
St. Cloud: be the ball?
Monarch: no, watch The Venture Bros., it's hilarious.
* Watch and Ward: hacking. it's basically just typing. but more like playing Tetris while typing.
* Kimberly McManus: you converted this Nerf gun into a real gun? that's just sick. you're under arrest for ruining childhoods!
* Sheila: okay, toots, put up your dukes. girlfight, that's what everyone here came to see. you know i brought the mud, let's do this thang. i'm gonna kick your big beautiful rounded butt!
Kimberly: i'm pleased to learn a woman is appreciating my awesome ass, makes it easier to accept the compliment. Power Ranger mode activate!
* Pete: where'd you get the gas?
St. Cloud: The Joker when he hung up his evil laugh.
Pete: he's not a villain anymore?
St. Cloud: no, he met Bruce at an earlier age and they became thunder buddies.
* S-464: explain to me the meaning of love.
Kimberly: wanna fuck?
* Sheila: i'm sorry, Monarch, i cannot be with you anymore.
Monarch: why, beloved?
Sheila: i'm like your teacher at that school, we don't want another Texas thing. plus i've fallen for another. Alex Trebek looks really hot with that salt-n-pepa Grizzly Adams beard.
Saturday, September 8, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Fan Frenzy"
notes:
* it should have been called "Fan Furry"
* hey, not all stalkers are men...
* Chazz: being your fan saved me from suicide.
Levi: that's a lot of pressure, man, i'm just a lukewarm cowboy singer, you know?
Chazz: this thing you signed for me...
Levi: ...that was my manager. i'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, kid, but your Instagram is a lie.
* agent: i'm offering you a million dollars for the chili-burger deal of a lifetime!
Levi: do i get those pants, ma'am?
agent: the only catch is you have to eat a million chili-bugers. you're gonna be fat from now on. fat and happy.
* agent: YOU want the contract?
Victor Vincent: i'll take it! what do i have to do?
Monty: Devil's Threesome with you? *puppy tongue*
agent: burger porn.
Victor: porn is so passe. we see porn being produced here every night. nobody pays for porn anymore.
agent: it's a tough business, kid, do you want to be rich or do you want to be famous?
* Mick: leave me alone now, Calvin, i want to be alone in my happy place.
Calvin: you don't have to hide in a hardware store, Mick, you have a home, you have a family.
Mick: you guys don't make me feel welcome there.
Calvin swats the spy fly without knowing it, thus ending the episode.
* Dreadwolf: don't take those out of me! I WANT MY FLAWS!!! I WANT MY FLEAS!!!
* Rangers: are you okay, Mick?
Mick: no. no i am not okay. my parents are dead. i'm a teacher. my life sucks.
* Rangers: what are you gonna teach us today in metalshop, Mick?
Mick: about all of those new feelings your body is having...
* Chazz: hey man, just one selfie.
Levi: in a hurry but okay. i won't give you any way for you to distribute it online, though.
Chazz: so this selfie is worthless, why'd we even take it? sharing is caring.
* Chazz: hey man, autograph a bunch of this swag shit so i can pawn them.
Levi: look, man, i know you don't have any friends. nobody has any friends!!! EVERYBODY'S FRIENDS ARE IMAGINARY!!!
* Sarah: what's wrong with Mick? i can't tell the difference, he's always hairy. he always looks like a werewolf.
Hayley: i like men with hairy chests. like those alpha males sitting up in bed in '80s movies after sex.
Calvin: not cool, girl, you know i need my chest clean like a bottom to surf.
* Madame Odius: Halloween episode?
Chip Lynne: don't start that up again, witch.
* Dreadwolf: not even close! i mean NOT EVEN CLAWS!!!
Brody: you're just a dog!
Dreadwolf: you call your mom a bitch with that mouth? a dog is just a wolf who was shown love.
* friends: we'll only be friends with you if you do indeed know Levi. think of us as real instagram friends.
* Victor: this is not the SHOOT i was anticipating...
* Chip Lynne: cut. yeah i'm not sure we can do the whole teenage werewolf thing, copyright.
Victor: it's okay, Chip, i'm a teen but i have no attitude.
* Chazz: now that i'm a werewolf, i've broken out of my shell! i've GAINED CHAZZ CONFIDENCE!!!
* Levi: i'm sorry, son. i was a bitch. without you fans i'm like Burt Reynolds without his Gator Mansion. how can i make it up to you? tell me.
Chazz: sing.
Levi starts singing.
Chazz: *HOWL!!!* OW! my ears!!! that song is so bad it hurts my now-sensitive ears!!!
* Calvin swings his girlfriend around and uses her like a mace-and-chain weapon.
Hayley: FINALLY! finally you do something with me that's hot and that can be repeated in bed! this wife-carrying game is sexy!
* Dreadwolf: bow before the power of my vines! i heard you coming! through the grapevine!
Preston: Vine is dead!
* agent: i don't get it. we got the celebrities, why aren't our chili-burgers selling?
Chip: it's because your buns are white.
* Victor: damn you, Monty, why must you always pour cold water on my dreams? i was just about to audition for the "Thriller" video.
agent: good news, 1 million dollars. bad news, it's 1 million New Zealand dollars so it's practically worthless.
Victor: look, i like you. you're like the milf i never knew i wanted. those baggy pants make your butt look big. you look like my mom so if i fucked you it would bring in a lot of new feelings of excitement. but i can't. i can't right now. i'm saving myself. for Monty.
* Levi: hey man, we're friends now. the lesson is, if you're a fan, stalk until you become part of the inner circle. just one favor?
Chazz: anything!
Levi: write and sing my next song.
* it should have been called "Fan Furry"
* hey, not all stalkers are men...
* Chazz: being your fan saved me from suicide.
Levi: that's a lot of pressure, man, i'm just a lukewarm cowboy singer, you know?
Chazz: this thing you signed for me...
Levi: ...that was my manager. i'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, kid, but your Instagram is a lie.
* agent: i'm offering you a million dollars for the chili-burger deal of a lifetime!
Levi: do i get those pants, ma'am?
agent: the only catch is you have to eat a million chili-bugers. you're gonna be fat from now on. fat and happy.
* agent: YOU want the contract?
Victor Vincent: i'll take it! what do i have to do?
Monty: Devil's Threesome with you? *puppy tongue*
agent: burger porn.
Victor: porn is so passe. we see porn being produced here every night. nobody pays for porn anymore.
agent: it's a tough business, kid, do you want to be rich or do you want to be famous?
* Mick: leave me alone now, Calvin, i want to be alone in my happy place.
Calvin: you don't have to hide in a hardware store, Mick, you have a home, you have a family.
Mick: you guys don't make me feel welcome there.
Calvin swats the spy fly without knowing it, thus ending the episode.
* Dreadwolf: don't take those out of me! I WANT MY FLAWS!!! I WANT MY FLEAS!!!
* Rangers: are you okay, Mick?
Mick: no. no i am not okay. my parents are dead. i'm a teacher. my life sucks.
* Rangers: what are you gonna teach us today in metalshop, Mick?
Mick: about all of those new feelings your body is having...
* Chazz: hey man, just one selfie.
Levi: in a hurry but okay. i won't give you any way for you to distribute it online, though.
Chazz: so this selfie is worthless, why'd we even take it? sharing is caring.
* Chazz: hey man, autograph a bunch of this swag shit so i can pawn them.
Levi: look, man, i know you don't have any friends. nobody has any friends!!! EVERYBODY'S FRIENDS ARE IMAGINARY!!!
* Sarah: what's wrong with Mick? i can't tell the difference, he's always hairy. he always looks like a werewolf.
Hayley: i like men with hairy chests. like those alpha males sitting up in bed in '80s movies after sex.
Calvin: not cool, girl, you know i need my chest clean like a bottom to surf.
* Madame Odius: Halloween episode?
Chip Lynne: don't start that up again, witch.
* Dreadwolf: not even close! i mean NOT EVEN CLAWS!!!
Brody: you're just a dog!
Dreadwolf: you call your mom a bitch with that mouth? a dog is just a wolf who was shown love.
* friends: we'll only be friends with you if you do indeed know Levi. think of us as real instagram friends.
* Victor: this is not the SHOOT i was anticipating...
* Chip Lynne: cut. yeah i'm not sure we can do the whole teenage werewolf thing, copyright.
Victor: it's okay, Chip, i'm a teen but i have no attitude.
* Chazz: now that i'm a werewolf, i've broken out of my shell! i've GAINED CHAZZ CONFIDENCE!!!
* Levi: i'm sorry, son. i was a bitch. without you fans i'm like Burt Reynolds without his Gator Mansion. how can i make it up to you? tell me.
Chazz: sing.
Levi starts singing.
Chazz: *HOWL!!!* OW! my ears!!! that song is so bad it hurts my now-sensitive ears!!!
* Calvin swings his girlfriend around and uses her like a mace-and-chain weapon.
Hayley: FINALLY! finally you do something with me that's hot and that can be repeated in bed! this wife-carrying game is sexy!
* Dreadwolf: bow before the power of my vines! i heard you coming! through the grapevine!
Preston: Vine is dead!
* agent: i don't get it. we got the celebrities, why aren't our chili-burgers selling?
Chip: it's because your buns are white.
* Victor: damn you, Monty, why must you always pour cold water on my dreams? i was just about to audition for the "Thriller" video.
agent: good news, 1 million dollars. bad news, it's 1 million New Zealand dollars so it's practically worthless.
Victor: look, i like you. you're like the milf i never knew i wanted. those baggy pants make your butt look big. you look like my mom so if i fucked you it would bring in a lot of new feelings of excitement. but i can't. i can't right now. i'm saving myself. for Monty.
* Levi: hey man, we're friends now. the lesson is, if you're a fan, stalk until you become part of the inner circle. just one favor?
Chazz: anything!
Levi: write and sing my next song.
Monday, September 3, 2018
The Venture Bros. "The Inamorata Consequence"
notes:
* AGAIN! THAT'S TWICE NOW! this show did it to me again! i love this show! no other show would do this! first it was the unexpected and juicy referencing of of all things Degrassi!---which crossfit and tied up two of my passions here at this blog in a nice tight pink bow---and now we have the referencing of SKINS. my beloved SKINS. no, Redbot H.E.L.P.eR, SKINS is better than advertised, it is the greatest amalgam of angst, ancient anxiety, and teenage triumph ever put on film. sure, it's a show about young people fucking and drugging, but it made me love again.
* or the Inamorata Conspiracy for you Dan Brown conspiracists out there.
* first time crying while watching The Venture Bros. you'd have thunk it would have happened before by now..
* Rusty: can you stop Mad Maxing it for one minute while i dust off this assassination of Lincoln's rhetoric?
Brock: Doc we wear these masks not to look cool, our planet under your stewardship has gone to pot. like, there's no more air, just pot fumes in the atmosphere.
Rusty: hey don't blame me. what can you do when world leaders think the Left invented science?
* Gathers: ever wonder how i'm able to have a grip on you despite being way shorter than you, boy?
Brock: you're pinching my nuts. with your iron claw.
* overheard at the party: "did you see the Doc McStuffins Halloween special? Doc McStuffins was a riot in it!"
* overheard at the party: "BB gun..."
Brock: not now.
* Snoopy, James Snoopy.
* Rusty: i call this summit to order. at the site of our last nuclear war. which side wants to play Kim and which Trump?
Rusty: hey man, blow that horn like you're a jazz bandleader who sets out saucers of milk before each show for the alley cats and doesn't need snuff to play cos he saw Bacall naked changing one time.
horn guy: Rusty Trumpet, got it.
* Sheila: the bottom line is when people start getting killed, it's not so much fun cosplay anymore.
* Dean: i'm at your cabin in the woods, Ben. why is there always only one cabin in the woods?
Ben: cos.
Dean: Ben? Ben Kenobi?
Redbot H.E.L.P.eR: ER?
Dean: don't go there.
Brock: not now.
Red Helper: no, Benskins as in the pack of liquor smokes.
* exposed android: it's not what you think. not a man, not a robot, and the exposed is the wires on my head.
Mystery OSI: you're cute, your head is like those bubble lawnmower toys kids play with, with the air underneath and the small colorful balls swirling around whenever it gets pushed. it looks like i'm transgender! this is gonna be so cool! ny name is...uh...Bruce.
Guild Stranger android: oh yeah, i saw you on the Wheaties box.
* Hank: Dermott? how is it we're the same age but you're like three sizes bigger than me? puberty is not fair! did you ever get to roll that cheese down the grassy hill as was your lifetime dream?
Dermott: nah, i got concussed trying it so now i just slide down piles of wet raincoats, it's still kinda fun. i can't headbang anymore cos i don't know where i am.
Hank: wait, what's 2nd Base for a woman?
Dermott: prenup.
* Red Helper: so they massproduced us and threw us way like yesterday's garbage.
Dean: like the vacuum-cleaner. nobody vacuums anymore. Redbot Helper, are you scared of dying?
Red Helper: no. i love my life with Ben. i'm into living right now. when i approach death is when i'll be scared of dying. how do you like being a clone?
Dean: can't tell the difference.
* Red Helper: would you mind getting into these clown pants with the hula-hoop for the PP belt? it's the easiest way to dry yourself by the fire.
* Rusty: my dad and Walt Disney shared something in common: their heads are presently packed in ice, and they were terrible fathers. that's the price of genius. um, excuse me, can we get off our phones for one minute while you listen to speechifying greatness?
Sheila: i'm ordering the mud. can't have barebacked wrestling without the mud.
Rusty: i'm gonna call you they and their from now on, makes things easier.
* Bruce: before we start, got any hangups? we're in a hangar so...
* Bruce: i can't make love to you!
Guild Stranger: i am so sorry. you had such a nice ass, too, it's such a waste.
Bruce: why do you have a PP where your butt is?
Guild Stranger: this is why your creator shoud never have a sense of humor. think about it, what if God got drunk?
* Guild twins: my god, man, we threw a pencil at you and you threw it back all chewed up. that's disgusting.
Snoopy: i was trying to sharpen it for you but i got nervous. with my teeth, my teeth chattered. then i was in a pinch so i used Woodstock's hair.
* Shore Leave: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. dammit, where'd our new OSI boy go?!
Phantom Limb: i drink milk from a bottle. in the most manly way possible.
* Rusty: all you idiots are babies! BABIES pure and simple. baby want a bottle?
Phantom Limb: yes.
Rusty: the name of the game in life, adult life anyway, is COMPROMISE. what's that sound?
Dean: the sound of settling.
Rusty: good boy, Dean, you're listening to those records i got you!
* Dean: so my dad's a clone?
Red Helper: whoops, i wasn't supposed to tell you that! my face is all red.
Dean: wait, so which Skins are you talking about? the British one or the MTV...
Red Helper: you better not finish that fucking sentence with anything other than ...Spider-Man...
Dean: i love you, Bot i mean Pop.
* Dean: so did Terri ever get justice?
Red Helper: thank god i never get headaches. i never watched The New Class. the only thing Degrassi i ever cared about was that Halloween special where Claude comes back from Hell to avenge his death and burn down the school, that episode should have won the Canadian Emmy.
* Hank: what does PP mean?
Sheila: peepee.
Hank laughs under his breath.
Dean: no really, what does PP mean?
Sheila: peepee. like dick. cock. y'know, vacuum.
* Rusty: proud of your pop? nice weather we're having......that summit had nothing to do with the current political climate.....i hate how EVERYTHING'S now just something else.......maybe we're just actually having a nice day, you know? it's good weather, it's good climate! come on, Dean, join your father at the Jaws pier for a selfie.
* Sheila: we got a mole in the ranks............that reminded me of Anderson Cooper's show on ABC. that Anderson is so handsome, i love his white hair!
* AGAIN! THAT'S TWICE NOW! this show did it to me again! i love this show! no other show would do this! first it was the unexpected and juicy referencing of of all things Degrassi!---which crossfit and tied up two of my passions here at this blog in a nice tight pink bow---and now we have the referencing of SKINS. my beloved SKINS. no, Redbot H.E.L.P.eR, SKINS is better than advertised, it is the greatest amalgam of angst, ancient anxiety, and teenage triumph ever put on film. sure, it's a show about young people fucking and drugging, but it made me love again.
* or the Inamorata Conspiracy for you Dan Brown conspiracists out there.
* first time crying while watching The Venture Bros. you'd have thunk it would have happened before by now..
* Rusty: can you stop Mad Maxing it for one minute while i dust off this assassination of Lincoln's rhetoric?
Brock: Doc we wear these masks not to look cool, our planet under your stewardship has gone to pot. like, there's no more air, just pot fumes in the atmosphere.
Rusty: hey don't blame me. what can you do when world leaders think the Left invented science?
* Gathers: ever wonder how i'm able to have a grip on you despite being way shorter than you, boy?
Brock: you're pinching my nuts. with your iron claw.
* overheard at the party: "did you see the Doc McStuffins Halloween special? Doc McStuffins was a riot in it!"
* overheard at the party: "BB gun..."
Brock: not now.
* Snoopy, James Snoopy.
* Rusty: i call this summit to order. at the site of our last nuclear war. which side wants to play Kim and which Trump?
Rusty: hey man, blow that horn like you're a jazz bandleader who sets out saucers of milk before each show for the alley cats and doesn't need snuff to play cos he saw Bacall naked changing one time.
horn guy: Rusty Trumpet, got it.
* Sheila: the bottom line is when people start getting killed, it's not so much fun cosplay anymore.
* Dean: i'm at your cabin in the woods, Ben. why is there always only one cabin in the woods?
Ben: cos.
Dean: Ben? Ben Kenobi?
Redbot H.E.L.P.eR: ER?
Dean: don't go there.
Brock: not now.
Red Helper: no, Benskins as in the pack of liquor smokes.
* exposed android: it's not what you think. not a man, not a robot, and the exposed is the wires on my head.
Mystery OSI: you're cute, your head is like those bubble lawnmower toys kids play with, with the air underneath and the small colorful balls swirling around whenever it gets pushed. it looks like i'm transgender! this is gonna be so cool! ny name is...uh...Bruce.
Guild Stranger android: oh yeah, i saw you on the Wheaties box.
* Hank: Dermott? how is it we're the same age but you're like three sizes bigger than me? puberty is not fair! did you ever get to roll that cheese down the grassy hill as was your lifetime dream?
Dermott: nah, i got concussed trying it so now i just slide down piles of wet raincoats, it's still kinda fun. i can't headbang anymore cos i don't know where i am.
Hank: wait, what's 2nd Base for a woman?
Dermott: prenup.
* Red Helper: so they massproduced us and threw us way like yesterday's garbage.
Dean: like the vacuum-cleaner. nobody vacuums anymore. Redbot Helper, are you scared of dying?
Red Helper: no. i love my life with Ben. i'm into living right now. when i approach death is when i'll be scared of dying. how do you like being a clone?
Dean: can't tell the difference.
* Red Helper: would you mind getting into these clown pants with the hula-hoop for the PP belt? it's the easiest way to dry yourself by the fire.
* Rusty: my dad and Walt Disney shared something in common: their heads are presently packed in ice, and they were terrible fathers. that's the price of genius. um, excuse me, can we get off our phones for one minute while you listen to speechifying greatness?
Sheila: i'm ordering the mud. can't have barebacked wrestling without the mud.
Rusty: i'm gonna call you they and their from now on, makes things easier.
* Bruce: before we start, got any hangups? we're in a hangar so...
* Bruce: i can't make love to you!
Guild Stranger: i am so sorry. you had such a nice ass, too, it's such a waste.
Bruce: why do you have a PP where your butt is?
Guild Stranger: this is why your creator shoud never have a sense of humor. think about it, what if God got drunk?
* Guild twins: my god, man, we threw a pencil at you and you threw it back all chewed up. that's disgusting.
Snoopy: i was trying to sharpen it for you but i got nervous. with my teeth, my teeth chattered. then i was in a pinch so i used Woodstock's hair.
* Shore Leave: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. dammit, where'd our new OSI boy go?!
Phantom Limb: i drink milk from a bottle. in the most manly way possible.
* Rusty: all you idiots are babies! BABIES pure and simple. baby want a bottle?
Phantom Limb: yes.
Rusty: the name of the game in life, adult life anyway, is COMPROMISE. what's that sound?
Dean: the sound of settling.
Rusty: good boy, Dean, you're listening to those records i got you!
* Dean: so my dad's a clone?
Red Helper: whoops, i wasn't supposed to tell you that! my face is all red.
Dean: wait, so which Skins are you talking about? the British one or the MTV...
Red Helper: you better not finish that fucking sentence with anything other than ...Spider-Man...
Dean: i love you, Bot i mean Pop.
* Dean: so did Terri ever get justice?
Red Helper: thank god i never get headaches. i never watched The New Class. the only thing Degrassi i ever cared about was that Halloween special where Claude comes back from Hell to avenge his death and burn down the school, that episode should have won the Canadian Emmy.
* Hank: what does PP mean?
Sheila: peepee.
Hank laughs under his breath.
Dean: no really, what does PP mean?
Sheila: peepee. like dick. cock. y'know, vacuum.
* Rusty: proud of your pop? nice weather we're having......that summit had nothing to do with the current political climate.....i hate how EVERYTHING'S now just something else.......maybe we're just actually having a nice day, you know? it's good weather, it's good climate! come on, Dean, join your father at the Jaws pier for a selfie.
* Sheila: we got a mole in the ranks............that reminded me of Anderson Cooper's show on ABC. that Anderson is so handsome, i love his white hair!
Saturday, September 1, 2018
Power Rangers Super Ninja Steel "Love Stings"
notes:
* Chip Lynne: why is the Valentine's Day episode now?
Madame Odius: see what happens when your hiatuses are so long nobody knows what's going on anymore? the schedule gets screwed up. same thing happened with my favorite program Off The Air. although in that case you never know what's going on.
* Odius: you're the last of a dying breed, Venoma. you're the John McCain of the Galactic Ninjas.
* Odius: dangerous love?
Venoma: i'm a Depeche Mode fan. i hate making love to those disgusting Rangers. but i'll do it cos you promised.
Odius: promised what?
Venoma: you promised me a date with Jonah Hill.
* three guys joshing around.
Levi: got a date for the Valentine's Dance?
Brody: yep, Sarah's mom. who's your date, Calvin?
Calvin: *looks up* um huh let's see, name begins with H.
Hayley: Ho? the Ho that goes to our school? she's a ho!
Calvin: what?
* Preston: i'm practicing. i'm practicing hard. i got my elbow digging into the slits of her locker and i've done the kabedon five times in the mirror.
Hayley: that cool floating heart with the S should do the trick. that's cool. like that's genuinely cool.
* Victor Vincent: what are you wearing?
Monty: i'm practicing for when i land a frat in college. the toga party.
Victor: yes, you'll be officiating that thing as Cupid. shoot her.
* Victor Vincent: you shot the lunchlady! the lunchlady in these things is always old and crankity and twice-divorced.
lunchlady: *fixes her hairnetted hair and bashfuls* oh sure, Victor, i'd love to go to the dance with you! you are so handsome. and i won't make fun of you like the redditors do.
Victor: fine. sigh. what do i have to do to avoid detention this time?
lunchlady: swallow my oatmeal.
* Victor: if you go to the dance with me, i'll PAY you.
Sandy: no need. this is my second appearance. i thought i'd be a one-shot character never to be seen again. i'm paid now. back up the Brink's truck.
* Preston tries to rip up his floating heart but can't cos it's magic.
Preston: you wanted to go alone?
Sandy: no, i want you to ask me. i'm a loner but i still want you to ask me.
Preston: ah, so that's why you're so good at pool.
* Hayley hands Calvin a bag of dog shit.
Hayley: this is what i think of our love *laughs*
Calvin: i get it, Love Stinks.
* Hayley: come on Pres, Victor once told me he was the first man on the moon, and as we all learned in school, the moon is flat.
* Sandy: YES! the arrow hit my backpack, injuring all my books. i don't have to go to school anymore!!!
* Sarah: Brody, stop twitching your eyebrows like that when you're in your lovestruck swoon, it's creepy.
Brody: gotta admit, ever since i've been in love, my acting's gotten better.
* Venoma: wait, can i shoot an arrow into one of the females?
Chip Lynne: according to the Bible, not yet. the show bible.
* Mick Kanic: save the last dance?
Brody: no thanks, pal.
Mick: because of this rejection, i will turn evil down the road.
* Brody: i sanded a Steel Morpher that's heart-shaped! it's gray like my heart when i'm away from Venoma.
Mick: great idea, boy! now finally maybe the toys will sell!
* Levi: i wrote Venoma a song.................it's so bad you're not gonna hear it on the show.
* Preston: Sandy, i can't go to the dance with you.
Sandy: why not?
Preston: I HATE YOUR PANTS, SANDY, OKAY?!! I HATE YOUR GODDAMN PANTS!!!
Hayley: why'd you do that, Preston?
Preston: wait, i figured it out. she loves me! and also, i've just now fallen in love with physics!!!
* Levi: hey you guys thinking what i'm thinking?
Brody: yeah, let's practice on Sarah before Venoma.
Levi: no, let's escape.
Calvin: i kinda want to practice on Redbot first.
* Brody: hey Calvin, why is your yellow truck such a piece of shit?
Calvin: i put honey in the gastank in honor of Venoma. meet Nitro, my truck which is really my Zord that never works.
* Preston: i'd rather be a dentist!
Venoma: that's fine. my teeth have all been rotted to the root. i eat my own honey.
* Chip Lynne: cut. cut. Preston and Venoma, take a breather, you two are way too close to one another. that hug was touchy and sexual, you were just about to kiss. we're veering dangerously close to furry territory here.
* Venoma: do you know how much that piece of plastic cost? 5 CENTS! i may not have my love arrows anymore, but i still got my fighting words!
* Venoma: Earth Girls Are Easy.
Preston: Easy-Bake Oven?
* Sandy: *exasperated and sad* what is it, Preston? i have homework to do.
Preston: *smiling* okay then. go do your homework, kid.
* Victor: okay, rich kid, we got all the shit you desired. will you go with me now?!
rich girl: i popped my own balloons. the answer is no. btw i don't care if you call me a witch, i AM a witch, like i'm one of Odius's witches, the last one.
Victor: wait, can i at least keep the giant teddy bear for my comfort animal?
Monty: not allowed on planes...
* Calvin: i'm a good actor, it's just i can't ever raise my voice. gotta maintain my cool, hang-loose breathy surfer persona.
* Tommy Oliver: why didn't we get married? we were destined to be the canon couple.
Kimberly: i like bad boys. Skull literally had "Skull" in his name. i fucked Skull. we did it like his name. we had a kid together.
* Calvin: by the way, my date was Hellshake Yano.
* Chip Lynne: why is the Valentine's Day episode now?
Madame Odius: see what happens when your hiatuses are so long nobody knows what's going on anymore? the schedule gets screwed up. same thing happened with my favorite program Off The Air. although in that case you never know what's going on.
* Odius: you're the last of a dying breed, Venoma. you're the John McCain of the Galactic Ninjas.
* Odius: dangerous love?
Venoma: i'm a Depeche Mode fan. i hate making love to those disgusting Rangers. but i'll do it cos you promised.
Odius: promised what?
Venoma: you promised me a date with Jonah Hill.
* three guys joshing around.
Levi: got a date for the Valentine's Dance?
Brody: yep, Sarah's mom. who's your date, Calvin?
Calvin: *looks up* um huh let's see, name begins with H.
Hayley: Ho? the Ho that goes to our school? she's a ho!
Calvin: what?
* Preston: i'm practicing. i'm practicing hard. i got my elbow digging into the slits of her locker and i've done the kabedon five times in the mirror.
Hayley: that cool floating heart with the S should do the trick. that's cool. like that's genuinely cool.
* Victor Vincent: what are you wearing?
Monty: i'm practicing for when i land a frat in college. the toga party.
Victor: yes, you'll be officiating that thing as Cupid. shoot her.
* Victor Vincent: you shot the lunchlady! the lunchlady in these things is always old and crankity and twice-divorced.
lunchlady: *fixes her hairnetted hair and bashfuls* oh sure, Victor, i'd love to go to the dance with you! you are so handsome. and i won't make fun of you like the redditors do.
Victor: fine. sigh. what do i have to do to avoid detention this time?
lunchlady: swallow my oatmeal.
* Victor: if you go to the dance with me, i'll PAY you.
Sandy: no need. this is my second appearance. i thought i'd be a one-shot character never to be seen again. i'm paid now. back up the Brink's truck.
* Preston tries to rip up his floating heart but can't cos it's magic.
Preston: you wanted to go alone?
Sandy: no, i want you to ask me. i'm a loner but i still want you to ask me.
Preston: ah, so that's why you're so good at pool.
* Hayley hands Calvin a bag of dog shit.
Hayley: this is what i think of our love *laughs*
Calvin: i get it, Love Stinks.
* Hayley: come on Pres, Victor once told me he was the first man on the moon, and as we all learned in school, the moon is flat.
* Sandy: YES! the arrow hit my backpack, injuring all my books. i don't have to go to school anymore!!!
* Sarah: Brody, stop twitching your eyebrows like that when you're in your lovestruck swoon, it's creepy.
Brody: gotta admit, ever since i've been in love, my acting's gotten better.
* Venoma: wait, can i shoot an arrow into one of the females?
Chip Lynne: according to the Bible, not yet. the show bible.
* Mick Kanic: save the last dance?
Brody: no thanks, pal.
Mick: because of this rejection, i will turn evil down the road.
* Brody: i sanded a Steel Morpher that's heart-shaped! it's gray like my heart when i'm away from Venoma.
Mick: great idea, boy! now finally maybe the toys will sell!
* Levi: i wrote Venoma a song.................it's so bad you're not gonna hear it on the show.
* Preston: Sandy, i can't go to the dance with you.
Sandy: why not?
Preston: I HATE YOUR PANTS, SANDY, OKAY?!! I HATE YOUR GODDAMN PANTS!!!
Hayley: why'd you do that, Preston?
Preston: wait, i figured it out. she loves me! and also, i've just now fallen in love with physics!!!
* Levi: hey you guys thinking what i'm thinking?
Brody: yeah, let's practice on Sarah before Venoma.
Levi: no, let's escape.
Calvin: i kinda want to practice on Redbot first.
* Brody: hey Calvin, why is your yellow truck such a piece of shit?
Calvin: i put honey in the gastank in honor of Venoma. meet Nitro, my truck which is really my Zord that never works.
* Preston: i'd rather be a dentist!
Venoma: that's fine. my teeth have all been rotted to the root. i eat my own honey.
* Chip Lynne: cut. cut. Preston and Venoma, take a breather, you two are way too close to one another. that hug was touchy and sexual, you were just about to kiss. we're veering dangerously close to furry territory here.
* Venoma: do you know how much that piece of plastic cost? 5 CENTS! i may not have my love arrows anymore, but i still got my fighting words!
* Venoma: Earth Girls Are Easy.
Preston: Easy-Bake Oven?
* Sandy: *exasperated and sad* what is it, Preston? i have homework to do.
Preston: *smiling* okay then. go do your homework, kid.
* Victor: okay, rich kid, we got all the shit you desired. will you go with me now?!
rich girl: i popped my own balloons. the answer is no. btw i don't care if you call me a witch, i AM a witch, like i'm one of Odius's witches, the last one.
Victor: wait, can i at least keep the giant teddy bear for my comfort animal?
Monty: not allowed on planes...
* Calvin: i'm a good actor, it's just i can't ever raise my voice. gotta maintain my cool, hang-loose breathy surfer persona.
* Tommy Oliver: why didn't we get married? we were destined to be the canon couple.
Kimberly: i like bad boys. Skull literally had "Skull" in his name. i fucked Skull. we did it like his name. we had a kid together.
* Calvin: by the way, my date was Hellshake Yano.
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