The Venture Bros. "The Unicorn in Captivity"

notes:

* okay now THAT was awesome

* i can't wait to watch this episode uncensored when the bluray comes out

* Dave Grohl: sorry, guys, i drank every pot of coffee in the animation studio. thus this season will be cut short this year...

* The Unicorn in Captivity: painted by Rothschild van Gogh and a hero man named Hieronymus. why aren't there any good tapestries anymore? nobody does tapestries anymore. why wasn't this hanging above my childhood bed? my childhood bed made of straw in my past life when i was a medieval page and sleeping?

* everyone knows my sordid history with Eyes Wide Shut. it was the last film i watched alone in a dark empty theatre on campus before my nervous breakdown. some say the film caused my breakdown. some say it was an accumulation of needles on beds of straw. i say i don't know but this was the first film where i really got to see Tom Cruise's wife act.

* Rusty: this is not that impressive. Gene predicted a transporter aeons ago.

* Billy: take a bite of the apple, you old witch!

* Captain Crook: it's not fair! i've been out-of-work for decades! i've had to rely on the kindness of strangers with two arms and not a tail for feet. WHY DID THEY GET RID OF MCDONALDLAND!!!
Pete: you're still on those McDonald's beige cookies.

* Dean Martin: kids, pay attention. listen to your daddio. I am cool, okay? not Eminem. i had a black friend before that was cool. Bakugo from My Hero Academia is not cool, he's smart.

* Dean Martin: the first plan makes sense. of course i've never been sober in my life so...

* Dean Martin: plan's called off! Rusty named his kid after me. you have a nice ass, Tron lady. it's not Kimberly-McManus-level but you're getting there. a few more cybernetic implants.
Tron lady: i don't do this for you. i'm from the future. i am the first truly-independent woman...

* Racer X: i don't really exist...

* Monarch: i know Venture's Sleep Number! 25!
drill guy with mustache: 25 in relation to what? that number means nothing unscaled.

* Monarch: okay, i'll be your little lookout on your Ocean's 111 thingie. but be forewarned, monarchs can't swim. we fly over oceans like butterflies.

* Monarch: that's disgusting! either finish the milk yourself or get some more at the store, don't leave the milk carton sitting in the fridge and not a drop to drink!
Gary: that was said so poetically i WILL go to the grocer!
Sheila: get some Humira for me, Gary.
Gary: okay, i'll leave the milk out in the sun. i'll put it on the roof of our Munsters mansion.

* Rusty: are you blackmailing me?
Hunter Gathers: no, you're not black. do you see the problem here? the world order must be ordered. what if your mother-in-law's FedEx order gets screwed up and the drone accidentally transports her into the coldness of space?
Rusty: she would heat up space.

* Deep State: we go by many names. Knights Templar. Illuminati. but not Deep State. no no the deep state doesn't exist.
Rusty: but what are you really?
Deep State: we are all of your shadow, bifurcated and split into a Council of Twelve by the fact that you are right now really strapped into a huge carnival funhouse mirror.
Rusty: Build-a-Bear?
Deep State: we warned you. Build-a-Bears are just fronts for Mathnasiums.

* Rusty: why is one of the Members of your Council shaped like Sheila?
Sheila in shadow: what?
Rusty: i'd recognize the outline of her shapely ass anywhere.

* Rusty: so a whole bunch of Mozarts are taking my coat and opening doors for me and leading me to ornate Victorian sweeping staircases?
Salieri: no dammit I'M NOT MOZART!!! I'M FUCKING SALIERI!!!

* Rusty: you don't see that everyday.
shadowy figure in mask: what?
Rusty: Human Centipede not used for poo purposes.
shadowy figure: are you wearing a mask?
Rusty: no, this is my real face!

* Rusty: open bar?
barkeep: yes. but we're closed.
Rusty: these are tasty! what do you call these?
barkeep: orphan oysters i mean bull's testicles.

* Rusty: why do you have fuzzy stuff over your breasts?
Sheila: i don't see any fuzzy stuff over my breasts. you know i've always had a secret little crush on you, right? you're dorky but in a cool way. the Monarch's the other way around.
Rusty: it's like that Dr. Dre video with the big-titted girl playing volleyball.

* red robe: in this life, you either fuck or get fucked.
Rusty: so the dude with the metal penis, huh?
red robe: that's his thumb.

* Rusty: the Lady or the Tiger?
Sheila: just hold the hearings.

* Dean Martin: what's better than one Dean Martin? an army of 'em!
Gary: i believe the proper term for that is stans.

* Rusty: you want to keep me in here like a caged rat with a horn.
red robe: no, we're keeping the world protected from YOU. wait a minute, what is this tapestry? i thought i got a The Last Unicorn poster at the con!

* Gathers: get 'em laid and they think they're Masters of the Universe.
Brock: oh thank god! i knew there was a reason i put up with your shit. i don't look like Trump, i look like He-Man!
Gathers: sure. it's a simulation for you, too.

* want to know where Hank, Dean, and Sirena were this episode? engaging in a Devil's Threesome in Hank's bachelor-pad-slide-out-bed for next episode.
Gathers: that was a simulation, too.