learned:
* thanks, now that song is ruined forever. sorry Sleepy Jean, maybe we'll go to the homecoming dance together next year when we're both fifth-year seniors.
* okay i just got here at 10, i have no idea what's going on.
* Lewis did it better.
* random stranger: oh you were kidding.
psychopath: yeah, you'll find that psychopaths like me are quite funny. if we weren't psychopaths we'd kill it on the comedy circuit. sorry, kill, yeah i know, sorry.
* psychopath: who is this little guy blocking the road?
Willow: Willow Ufgood at your service.
psychopath: what?
Willow: sorry, i thought you were Val Kilmer.
Rollins: yeah i think i ran into him on the street but i didn't have a description yet, i offered to come knock on his door.
Amaro: the fuck you talkin' bout, blondie?
Rollins: i thought he was Jack Tripper. at any rate the lure still worked, he thought i was hot and is gonna meet me along with his wife at his home soon.
* psychopath's wife: i thought he took all that time away from me cos he hated me.
Amaro: no, that's a horrible reason he gave you, but it's worse than that. you should consider yourself lucky that he didn't want to spend any time with you.
* psychopath: i want to represent myself, Your Honor.
judge: okay, dude, easy, nice and easy, whatever you want, whatever you want to do, you control the show, just don't kill any more people.
psychopath's lawyer: do i still have to be here?
judge: you're right, counselor, you're hot, for your own safety i'm ordering you to get the hell out of here right now!
* Jason Beghe: he's not clever, he's scum.
Liv: what?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
Liv: Zelda? Noah's been teaching me, that's the reference, right?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
* psychopath: oh shit, how did you get here?
Jason Beghe: GRUMBLE GRUMBLE
psychopath: what?
Jason Beghe: i mean i'm everywhere, i'm a ghost, the next time you pee think of me because i'm gonna be right there next to you, right by your shoulder, crowding your personal space, not letting you breathe as i watch you pee.
* i know what the psychopath did was torture, but THIS EPISODE was torture to watch. next week's two returning stars can't come soon enough.
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
SNL Taraji P. Henson / Mumford & Sons Episode Discussion
learned:
* Hillary Clinton will be our first Queen.
* monologue of song: i want to make it, i wonder what that feels like. it's like you have a personal assistant who does all your shopping for you, gets you your gold Apple Watch and writes all of your blog posts. and he has another blog that he uses to rip you a new one everyday and spill all your secrets. he doesn't tell you what the url for that blog is.
* Sesame Street: Taraji P. Jim Henson yes relation: Snuffy's packin' but Big Bird doesn't do too bad for himself in that department, he is BIG Bird after all. Cookie Monster wants Cookie's cookie. if they get a felt puppet Anaconda, that's when you know the skit has gone on too long.
* Mumford & Sons: okay but the question on everyone's lips is: who's the mother? Maury? SNL scared me with that first title card of the band that had eight or ten people on it, but it was the four members and they just doubled and tripled the picture. photoshop is scary, i thought there were many more Sons nobody knew about. i want to know if the band is breeding, i want notifications on my gold Apple Watch.
* A League of Their Own: there's no crying in baseball, but there's revenge...
* Teacher Trial: the whole time i was all to Cecily, "notice me, senpai."
* QVC: Molly Shannon should get her leg kicks insured.
* Power Rangers is a Voltron ripoff whereas Connectatron is more a loving tribute to Tron, Connect Four, and Empire.
* shortest ever? yes. i'm Spiethless.
* Hillary Clinton will be our first Queen.
* monologue of song: i want to make it, i wonder what that feels like. it's like you have a personal assistant who does all your shopping for you, gets you your gold Apple Watch and writes all of your blog posts. and he has another blog that he uses to rip you a new one everyday and spill all your secrets. he doesn't tell you what the url for that blog is.
* Sesame Street: Taraji P. Jim Henson yes relation: Snuffy's packin' but Big Bird doesn't do too bad for himself in that department, he is BIG Bird after all. Cookie Monster wants Cookie's cookie. if they get a felt puppet Anaconda, that's when you know the skit has gone on too long.
* Mumford & Sons: okay but the question on everyone's lips is: who's the mother? Maury? SNL scared me with that first title card of the band that had eight or ten people on it, but it was the four members and they just doubled and tripled the picture. photoshop is scary, i thought there were many more Sons nobody knew about. i want to know if the band is breeding, i want notifications on my gold Apple Watch.
* A League of Their Own: there's no crying in baseball, but there's revenge...
* Teacher Trial: the whole time i was all to Cecily, "notice me, senpai."
* QVC: Molly Shannon should get her leg kicks insured.
* Power Rangers is a Voltron ripoff whereas Connectatron is more a loving tribute to Tron, Connect Four, and Empire.
* shortest ever? yes. i'm Spiethless.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Granting Immunity" Episode Discussion
learned:
* if this show were as good as its episode titles, this would be another Seinfeld for NBC.
* Amaro: that's what a rainbow party is? back in my day, a rainbow party meant a couple of fellas over for a sleepover and Trix cereal. i also walked five miles a day in the snow to get to school but it was a little easier cos i always had my Air Jordans nice and pumped up.
* student: i ain't giving you my passwords! i don't want the cops reading my blog!
Fin: why? afraid we'll read it?
student: please do, my blog only gets 1 hit a day and that's from me checking daily to see how many hits my blog got that day, it's embarrassing.
* anti-vaxxer milf: remember Principal, i know where you live.
Liv: wow, threat much? what's that all about?
Principal: oh, we're seeing each other. i mean look at her.
Liv: you don't see the conflict of interest here?
Principal: all i see are three hot milfs.
Liv: wait, three? oh. not this again. goodbye.
* infected girl: that boy is a loser, we were just having some fun, if only he hadn't broadcast it everywhere we'd be okay *measles are all over her face and nose*
* Rollins: have you been vaccinated, Carisi?
Carisi: yep. the school took one look at my disheveled mook ass and decided not to take any chances.
Rollins: MMR?
Carisi: yep, i like mocha, mint, and raspberry, those are my favorite ice cream flavors.
* Amaro's son: dad, i don't want to go! i don't want to be away from you!
Amaro: don't worry, son, i just have to stay in New York a little bit longer. there's this ridiculously-gorgeous blonde i work with and i'm hoping the writers write a scene for her and me as the last scene in the season finale, a motel-bedroom scene or something, give the fans something to talk about all summer.
* Amaro and Rollins: do you know about this doctor that this anti-vaxxers group all went to?
doctor: went to medical school with him. he jumped out a first-story window in the middle of freshman finals and we never heard from him again. he turned up years later with a small practice where he performed operations on people only using the internet. he accepts all religious-conviction exemptions cos he believes he is God. last name Frankenstein.
* if this show were as good as its episode titles, this would be another Seinfeld for NBC.
* Amaro: that's what a rainbow party is? back in my day, a rainbow party meant a couple of fellas over for a sleepover and Trix cereal. i also walked five miles a day in the snow to get to school but it was a little easier cos i always had my Air Jordans nice and pumped up.
* student: i ain't giving you my passwords! i don't want the cops reading my blog!
Fin: why? afraid we'll read it?
student: please do, my blog only gets 1 hit a day and that's from me checking daily to see how many hits my blog got that day, it's embarrassing.
* anti-vaxxer milf: remember Principal, i know where you live.
Liv: wow, threat much? what's that all about?
Principal: oh, we're seeing each other. i mean look at her.
Liv: you don't see the conflict of interest here?
Principal: all i see are three hot milfs.
Liv: wait, three? oh. not this again. goodbye.
* infected girl: that boy is a loser, we were just having some fun, if only he hadn't broadcast it everywhere we'd be okay *measles are all over her face and nose*
* Rollins: have you been vaccinated, Carisi?
Carisi: yep. the school took one look at my disheveled mook ass and decided not to take any chances.
Rollins: MMR?
Carisi: yep, i like mocha, mint, and raspberry, those are my favorite ice cream flavors.
* Amaro's son: dad, i don't want to go! i don't want to be away from you!
Amaro: don't worry, son, i just have to stay in New York a little bit longer. there's this ridiculously-gorgeous blonde i work with and i'm hoping the writers write a scene for her and me as the last scene in the season finale, a motel-bedroom scene or something, give the fans something to talk about all summer.
* Amaro and Rollins: do you know about this doctor that this anti-vaxxers group all went to?
doctor: went to medical school with him. he jumped out a first-story window in the middle of freshman finals and we never heard from him again. he turned up years later with a small practice where he performed operations on people only using the internet. he accepts all religious-conviction exemptions cos he believes he is God. last name Frankenstein.
Monday, April 6, 2015
SNL Michael Keaton / Carly Rae Jepsen Episode Discussion
learned:
* let's discuss!
* cold open: Bobby should have been Coach K. Carly Rae Jepsen looks more like Coach K than Taran does.
* monologue song: if The Rock is franchise viagra, the original Batman is just viagra. with apologies to Adam West of course who's now, sadly, only known as an insane mayor, not a caped crusader. still want to see a live-action Kevin Conroy Batman movie.
* Smart Home: love you guys but this is just Adult Swim's "Smart Pipe". Adult Swim should have their own Saturday-night show to compete, their stuff is fresher. wait, what am i saying? okay, i got it, put the anime on at a reasonable hour weekday nights, like 8PM. see? win win.
* Scientology: okay, but if it meant a chance to be a better you, wouldn't you go missing?
* some very nice pointed i-got-your-back-Jesus moments: He Is Risen, and all the Jews and unleavened bread can do is look up at the scoreboard.
* Carly Rae Jepsen:
after the first song i say to Carly: i really really really really really really really really really really really really really like you.
after the second song i say to Carly: oh, so you're friendzoning me? okay, that's okay, i still like you.
* CNN graphics: i feel bad for Wolf Blitzer, i really do. he's everyone's favorite uncle just trying to give us the news without bias. cut him some slack but don't you ever shave that beard, Wolf, that would be weird.
* always call your grandparents whenever possible, they're the only ones who will tell you the truth, they're old enough that they don't give a fuck about cliques anymore. your friends won't tell you that the badboy you're dating is bad news, they are all Resident Young Persons who will say anything you want to hear to keep their place at your boyfriend's pot circle.
* Easter cocaine: remember, the most dangerous nut is the one who doesn't think he's a nut.
* let's discuss!
* cold open: Bobby should have been Coach K. Carly Rae Jepsen looks more like Coach K than Taran does.
* monologue song: if The Rock is franchise viagra, the original Batman is just viagra. with apologies to Adam West of course who's now, sadly, only known as an insane mayor, not a caped crusader. still want to see a live-action Kevin Conroy Batman movie.
* Smart Home: love you guys but this is just Adult Swim's "Smart Pipe". Adult Swim should have their own Saturday-night show to compete, their stuff is fresher. wait, what am i saying? okay, i got it, put the anime on at a reasonable hour weekday nights, like 8PM. see? win win.
* Scientology: okay, but if it meant a chance to be a better you, wouldn't you go missing?
* some very nice pointed i-got-your-back-Jesus moments: He Is Risen, and all the Jews and unleavened bread can do is look up at the scoreboard.
* Carly Rae Jepsen:
after the first song i say to Carly: i really really really really really really really really really really really really really like you.
after the second song i say to Carly: oh, so you're friendzoning me? okay, that's okay, i still like you.
* CNN graphics: i feel bad for Wolf Blitzer, i really do. he's everyone's favorite uncle just trying to give us the news without bias. cut him some slack but don't you ever shave that beard, Wolf, that would be weird.
* always call your grandparents whenever possible, they're the only ones who will tell you the truth, they're old enough that they don't give a fuck about cliques anymore. your friends won't tell you that the badboy you're dating is bad news, they are all Resident Young Persons who will say anything you want to hear to keep their place at your boyfriend's pot circle.
* Easter cocaine: remember, the most dangerous nut is the one who doesn't think he's a nut.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Law & Order SVU "Devastating Story" Episode Discusssion
learned:
* you are hitting these titles out of the park, Show.
* remember Northern Exposure? watching every episode of Northern Exposure is the equivalent of getting a PhD.
* professor: i don't like you at all, you're very phallocentric in your thinking.
Carisi: i don't know what that is but i suddenly find you very attractive.
* Carisi: i mean there isn't a stolen-car advocate, y'know? i went into my local Pep Boys recently and the guy wanted me to genderflect.
Rollins: what's that?
Carisi: no idea. what is going on? nobody is willing to talk and rapists are gonna go free.
Rollins: welcome to SVU, it's messy and sometimes ends in a very unsatisfying way.
Carisi: so the opposite of episodic television.
* Liv: we have history, don't we?
university president: yes we do. i find you very attractive.
Liv: oh. no, i mean tbh i didn't think you'd survive at this job after your many blunders.
university president: it's tough to kill an old soggy bitch like me. now if you'll excuse me i have a firestorm to put out.
Liv: please don't talk about your sex life in front of me.
* girl: i'm a rock star. i'm going on Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow tonight.
Liv: okay, Rachel yes, Anderson no. remember who butters all of our breads?
* frat boys: hey, what is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!
Ice-T: did you make that reference cos you're currently studying it in class?
frat boys: no, we're watching Monty Python instead of going to class. wanna sit in on our video-game session?
Ice-T: oh no, we're never ever doing video games again.
* professor: who cares if the story is fudged a little? six men, four men, the point is to eradicate rape culture.
Barba: what if i told you 2 + 2 = 5.
professor: it does. i'm an English professor, not a math one.
* girl: but i did really get raped.
Liv: too late, the episode's almost over.
* you are hitting these titles out of the park, Show.
* remember Northern Exposure? watching every episode of Northern Exposure is the equivalent of getting a PhD.
* professor: i don't like you at all, you're very phallocentric in your thinking.
Carisi: i don't know what that is but i suddenly find you very attractive.
* Carisi: i mean there isn't a stolen-car advocate, y'know? i went into my local Pep Boys recently and the guy wanted me to genderflect.
Rollins: what's that?
Carisi: no idea. what is going on? nobody is willing to talk and rapists are gonna go free.
Rollins: welcome to SVU, it's messy and sometimes ends in a very unsatisfying way.
Carisi: so the opposite of episodic television.
* Liv: we have history, don't we?
university president: yes we do. i find you very attractive.
Liv: oh. no, i mean tbh i didn't think you'd survive at this job after your many blunders.
university president: it's tough to kill an old soggy bitch like me. now if you'll excuse me i have a firestorm to put out.
Liv: please don't talk about your sex life in front of me.
* girl: i'm a rock star. i'm going on Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow tonight.
Liv: okay, Rachel yes, Anderson no. remember who butters all of our breads?
* frat boys: hey, what is this, the Spanish Inquisition?!
Ice-T: did you make that reference cos you're currently studying it in class?
frat boys: no, we're watching Monty Python instead of going to class. wanna sit in on our video-game session?
Ice-T: oh no, we're never ever doing video games again.
* professor: who cares if the story is fudged a little? six men, four men, the point is to eradicate rape culture.
Barba: what if i told you 2 + 2 = 5.
professor: it does. i'm an English professor, not a math one.
* girl: but i did really get raped.
Liv: too late, the episode's almost over.
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