Doctor Who "The Woman Who Lived" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Ashildr: i am robbing you!
the Doctor: of my hamburgers?

* Ashildr: i am Me.
the Doctor: B?
Ashildr: no, Me.
the Doctor: oh sorry, i'm remembering in the wrong direction, premonition of your character before your epiphany.

* the Doctor: i read your diary.
Ashildr: how dare you! did you find anything life-altering?
the Doctor: no, seeing as you're immortal. you lost your children, that's something a mother never forgets no matter how old.
Ashildr: damn you! why didn't you stop the Plague?!!
the Doctor: i was in a rock band then.
Ashildr: immortality is a curse.
the Doctor: it's cool for like the first thousand years. then your face starts to get all big.
Ashildr: why couldn't you make my memory immortal, too?
the Doctor: believe me, you do not want to remember your awkward teenage years.
Ashildr: take me with you, Doctor!
the Doctor: it wouldn't work out. God needed a break from Jesus living in His basement, He went out for a pack of censer smokes and never came back. it's in the Bible.

* the Doctor: if you kill this man's shortlife, you'll make an enemy out of me.
Ashildr: exactly.

* Leandro: this is where the wealthy and the powerful rule. it is her world...a world apart from mine. her name is...Me. from the moment i saw her she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage. i knew then as i know now that she would change my life...forever.
the Doctor: hey Vincent, meet me in the woods, i got some marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers that need toasting. campfires don't exist yet, right? wait, do marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers exist yet?

* Sam Swift: that kiss was hot.
Ashildr: do you know how old i am?
Sam Swift: i'm into gilfs.

* the Doctor: oh Clara, hi! you're here! i didn't miss you at all i mean how are you?
Clara: what have you been up to all episode? i've been doing some madcap school stuff myself.
the Doctor: oh just finding your replacement.
Clara: don't worry, Doctor, i'll never leave your side for a couple more episodes. and then i'll turn to dust.
the Doctor: i know i know, let's all be honest here, there will never be another Sarah Jane...

Doctor Who "The Girl Who Died" Episode Discussion

learned:

* the Doctor: want to play a Game, little girl?

Arya: okay, let's hear them all, get them all out of your system.

the Doctor: Arya excited to see me?

the Doctor: Winter isn't the only thing that's coming.

Arya: that's gross, old man!

the Doctor: no I meant the Doctor and Clara are coming, that's all.

* the Doctor: behold my sonic yo-yo! next week Moffat's got me wearing a sonic red Make America Great Again cap.

* villagers: do not mock our beliefs! we believe a man in the clouds controls our destinies, if we don't please him, we die.
the Doctor: agreed, you can't help being simple and less technologically-advanced.
villagers: do you believe in a God, sir?
the Doctor: I am God.
villagers: but what happens when you die?
the Doctor: I will never die...

* Arya: I will fight you to the death!
false Odin: that's the proper Viking way! I was just about to surrender in writing.
Clara: so close. Arya, what's the point of throwing your life away in hopeless battle?
Arya: honor.
Clara: don't you want to live long enough to pick out a prom dress?

* the Doctor: I can speak baby.
Clara: what is it saying?
the Doctor: it's saying I want my mommy and it's coming from your belly. Danny's?
Clara: um, no, remember last year when we both got drunk, ditched the Christmas party, and huddled together for warmth on the surface of the sun?...

* the Doctor: I've got it! electric eels!
the Doctor tries the eels but they don't work.
the Doctor: where's all the power?
Arya: they're PG&E eels.

* the Doctor: the technology under the helmet fried her poor brain.
Clara: same thing happened when Nintendo rolled out the Virtual Boy.

* the Doctor: I have randomly decided to make you immortal.
Arya: thanks for healing me and everything but I think you went a little overboard.
the Doctor: I always want to have you by my side.
Arya: that's gross, old man.

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "Heaven" Episode Discussion

learned:

* i smell spinoff...

* who does God's clerical work, the DMV? (which stands for Demonic Motive Visored)

* this proves once and for all that golf is Zen.

* no, pottery gets the women, just ask the movie Ghost, which has the perfect title for this discussion.

* okay so obviously the people in Heaven are mindnumbingly boring, Hell obviously has the more interesting people, so....Hell is better, the more desirable place to end up? so then what's the point of it all? i'm so confused. what doth life?

* everyone's prayers could have been answered if not for one major design flaw...

* in Heaven there are still dicks in the workplace...and asses. God's Butt btw...look at the Pillars of Creation...i'm not saying they look like fart gas, i'm just sayin'.

* in Heaven you can be edgy but you can't take it too far and fall off the edge. Earth may be round but Heaven is flat.

* welcome back to Hell, Gary! the more interesting place! tonight's movie: Ghost.

Doctor Who "Before the Flood" Episode Discussion

learned:

* or is it After?

* Clara: but you can always change things, right?
the Doctor: Clara, i'm afraid i'm dead, that event has already happened.
Clara: no...NOOOOOOOO!...............can you at least go back to when the decision was made about the sunglasses and change that?

* the Doctor: what is Ghost Doctor mumbling?
Cass: it's a list of names, that's it.
the Doctor: interesting.......i'm thinking it's the chances each of you has of landing the next Star Wars movie, least to greatest.

* Bennett: yeah you care when it's Clara but what about poor O'Donnell?
the Doctor (reading his cards): i'm sorry for the loss of your pet.............listen, i get it, i thought she was hot, too.

* Bennett: i just want to tell O'Donnell i love her...
the Doctor: you can't! the time paradox thing, remember? this has nothing to do with me being jealous.

* Ghost O'Donnell takes Clara's iphone.
Clara: I'VE BEEN SAMSUNGED!!!

* the Fisher King: see, this is not Alien at all, i can talk.

* the Fisher King: others will do the dirty work for me...
the Doctor: sorry if i'm not intimidated but you really just look like a really tall dude in a rubber suit. Neil, is that you? missed you at the pub last night.
the Fisher King: yeah i was preparing for a role on some show, decided to shoot some hoops alone to clear my mind.

* Bennett: hey Cass, Lunn, fuck already. say i love you to her.
Lunn: i love you.
Cass: Bennett loves me?
Lunn: no, I love you.
Bennett: wait, do you love me, Cass? i could make that work.
Cass: no.
Bennett: oh. what am i gonna do without O'Donnell?
Clara: you have to move on, always move on, there're plenty more fish under the lake, sometimes they're just under your nose...
Bennett: so do you want to hook up here or in the Faraday cage?
Clara: no, i didn't mean me, i'm leaving the show soon.

* the Doctor: the question is, who came up with the bootstrap paradox in the first place? google it. but who came up with google in the first place? the answer to all your questions causally loops back to one man and one man alone: Moffat.

Your Pretty Face Is Going To Hell "Krampus Nacht" Episode Discussion

learned:

* WRONG HOLIDAY!

* Satan: it's become too commercialized, Jesus doesn't get the credit anymore. Santa and all the presents in bright shiny bows commercialized it. don't read too much into the fact that Santa sounds like Satan and he wears red all the time.

* Krampus: my son is a disgrace, he's an embarrassment to the Krampus name, he won't even touch the rim of my drowning tub. he's all goody-goody, he wants to warn the villagers beforehand. what i do is art.
son: art is so stuffy, so corporate, so soul-deadening. didn't you ever want to follow a dream when you were a youth, papa? against all odds, i want to express myself. i WILL be a coal miner whether you or mom or the rest of the family wants me to or not!

* mother spanks her child.
child: it hurts, mommy! why do you do this to me?!
mother: hey it's either me or the Krampus with a shoe, your choice.

* Claude: here, use my gun to kill the Krampus.
Gary: you've had a gun this whole time?! why haven't you used it yet?!
Claude: Gary you have no idea how hard i've had to work to suppress my desire to shoot you.

* Gary: it's so weird seeing the Krampus like this. he's not the legend he once was.
Claude: yeah, he's Montana as a Chief, Jordan as a Wizard, Nadal...
Gary: don't you dare lump Nadal in with those hasbeens! all he needs is a new coach and some new knees.

* Gary's little nephew: please, mommy, get me that toy gun. i promise i won't become a psychopath.
kid gets the toy gun and shoots it at mommy and daddy.
Gary's little nephew: i lied.

Doctor Who "Under the Lake" Episode Discussion

learned:

* that opening narration was so Picard.

* why it always gotta be the black dude who gets it first?

* this is not an Alien ripoff. underwater, not space.

* the Doctor: i love how you crew use a hybrid sign-language/vocal method of language, it's so quiet.
Clara: remember, Doctor, use your politeness cards.
the Doctor: hey Clara, why don't you adopt this sign language for the rest of the episode? it'd be rude not to. when in Rome and everything.
the Doctor: did you see that?!
Clara: what? i mean *sign for what*
the Doctor: the company man flicked me off! that doesn't need a sound, that sign is universal.

* the Doctor: Clara, i think we've met the babe who can replace you when you go: O'Donnell.
Clara: you just like her cos she thinks you can do no wrong.
the Doctor: sure, she feeds my immense ego...and that body of hers doesn't hurt, either. but most of all, she's happy to be here. Clara? are you listening? get off the phone!
Clara: sorry, i'm trying to get on the next season of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here.

* Clara: what does the inscription say?
the Doctor: it's an earworm, like "You Oughta Know." it all makes sense now, the ghosts, i know what they were trying to say, it wasn't a warning about going down to the theatre, it's about going down on you in a theatre.

* Cass: the ghosts only come out at night.
the ghosts turn off the lights during the day.
Cass: they're ghosts, right? they can't pick up corporeal items.
the ghosts pick up a harpoon and shoot it at the Doctor.
Cass: what if they're friendly? like Casper?
the Doctor (straps on proton pack): okay, i've had enough of this fuckery.

* the Doctor: you're a scientist. this could be a new species. where's your sense of adventure?
the scientist: exactly, i'm a scientist, there is no afterlife, i'm not gonna die for nothing, get me the fuck off this underwater hellhole!