Law & Order SVU "Surrendering Noah" Episode Discussion

learned:

* but she didn't.

* slimeball defense lawyer: see what i did there, Barba? i'm schooling you.
Barba: okay, you know all the legal loopholes but why u gotta look so smug while doing it?

* Johnny D: please give this stuffed giraffe to my baby boy.
Amaro: pshhhh, yeah we'll get right on that for ya.
Johnny D: don't worry, i took the cocaine out of it.

* IAB: Amaro could cure cancer and he still wouldn't be accepted by the higher-ups.
Liv: no, if he cured cancer he could be sergeant.
IAB: wanna fuck?

* Liv: Nick i don't know how to put this but everyone hates you.
Amaro: as long as you live you never really escape high school, huh? it would have been easier to take if they just thought i was too dumb to pass the test.

* Carisi: they're casting shade.
the squad looks at Carisi with bewilderment.
Peter Scanavino: sorry, that's not in the script, i get all juiced when i'm doing the accent and everything i can't stop myself.

* pimp: yeah i've been reading books while i've been in here, Malcolm X, Martha Stewart.
Carisi: the only book you should be reading in the joint is the one that shows you how to build a suit of armor for yourself out of spoons.

* after the courtroom shootout:
Liv: are you okay, judge?
judge: i'll live.
Liv: the tv made it seem you got shot in the face.

* babysitter: how was your day?
Liv: courtroom shootout, people dead, just another Wednesday.
babysitter: OMG the day i had! first i chipped a nail. then Ellen was a frickin' repeat! and then i was on the phone for hours with my man and he said...
Liv: who's your boyfriend? on second thought, don't tell me, i don't care...
babysitter: Cassidy.
Liv: *sigh*

* isn't it so Dave that of all the songs from all the bands and singers and artists out there over that span of years, out of the entire history of music, crusty old Dave's favorite song is "Everlong" by Foo Fighters?

* judge: everything seems to be in order. i'm gonna go ahead and approve this adoption. who is this handsome man representing you today, Liv?
Liv: my husband.
judge: conflict of interest.
Liv: how so?
judge: well he's your husband but i'm interested in him.

* Liv (crying): Nick, i'll miss you so much. i grew with you. i didn't grow with my ex. with my previous partner, that whole situation, all those years with him, suffocated me, stunted my growth. i didn't have the heart to tell the shippers that it was never gonna happen cos i secretly hated him.
Amaro: who was your old partner again? Unstable something?
Liv: i'd rather not say his name.

SNL Louis C.K. / Rihanna Episode Discussion

learned:

* first, let me finish on Florence (hey a man can dream): sorry about the foot, i didn't know. i always was aware of Florence's particular aura, i knew what she and her songs were about, her with the firebrand hair and frenetic spirit, of love, of relationships, but the two songs she performed on SNL gave me the opportunity to watch the music videos proper for these two songs. this was the first time i enjoyed two of her songs in their entirety. LOVED them. i always had a crush on Flo from afar but now my crush is fully-formed cos it has context. i can't keep "Ship To Wreck" out of my head, that's a good thing, been humming it whenever i'm not blogging. she's better than Flo from Progressive. Florence from the Machine is a lot younger than i thought she was, i thought she was one of those 50-year-old cougar milfs. ship to wreck, love that turn of phrase. the videos are quite impressive, full of high spirit and an actual spirit, an actual doppelganger of Florence fighting herself. who needs symbolism when you've got a real doppelganger? and her real beautiful breastststststststs?

* Inner White Girl: surprise surprise, this is Leslie Jones's best work to date and it gets cut for time. general rule of thumb: whatever gets cut for time is good. i get so mad that SNL never learns...i'm so angry...i'm steaming over here...okay...it's okay...my Inner White Girl is calming me down, explaining things to me rationally, i understand now that this is just the cost of business, it's not racist or anything, it is what it is. now it's my Inner White Girl that is getting angry but i've prepared for this: i've got a Starbucks PSL at the ready.

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* cold open: i've often wondered how SNL would fare if it were new during summer. it never gets to comment on anything that happens in summer and i'm sure lots of interesting things happen during summer. like i wonder how SNL would handle all the shit that goes down at Wimbledon each year. i mean that would be totally crazy to see.

* monologue: let me see if i have this straight: so there's this French McDonald's in Chino...

* so that's why the elves stay with Santa year after year.

* wood PSAs: the next time you get wood, think of the lumberjack.

* Rihanna: first song: note to self: do not ask RiRi for money.

second song: i pledge allegiance to the flag of RiRi and the Illuminati. if we're not careful, American oxygen will be dirtier than the oxygen around during the Roman Empire.

* could you hold onto a lie for five years? i could, i'm still blogging aren't i?

* police lineup: actors are the best. and they really do support each other like that. if they don't get the part, they want their friend to get the part. don't worry, there's always another audition.

* I Love Lucy: oh yes! this is my favorite show ever. it looks weird colorized. Lucy has brown hair. of course Lucy and Ethel were doing it. gal pals, that's what it was called back then. 

* oh, before i forget, the short with Louis and Kyle cut for time, don't want you waiting all summer for my review of it: it was good. no, Kyle, you're not stupid. yes, i would like to hear Kyle's stance on living in a house for that's foreign to me, i don't live in a house, a house lives on me, i am an island.

* notice how Kenan Thompson and Vanessa Bayer were paired up for a lot of the skits tonight? not sayin jus sayin. UPDATE: so apparently NO ONE is leaving?!!!!!!!

* goodnights: RiRi wants a little milk in her milk.

Law & Order SVU "Parents' Nightmare" Episode Discussion

learned:

* this is weird. the father god bless 'im was struggling with the acting. but here's the thing, if he were more polished it might have been less believable. the fact that he was jerky and all over the place trying to generate different emotions is what a real dad in a real situation like this would evince, if he were a real dad in the world, not an actor. so he went the back end, but he might have pulled off a more believable performance...by being bad. is this what acting really is? this is blowing my mind.

* IAB greaseball: do i need a reason to pop in here?
Liv: yes you do you greaseball.
IAB greaseball: wanna fuck?
Liv: no.
IAB greaseball: aight just checkin'.

* mother: i don't know anything! i lose everything!
Rollins: that's very zen. i'm gonna use that the next time i gamble.

* yoga babe: are you here for some hot yoga?
Carisi: oh yeah! i mean, no, for a phone.
yoga babe: want me to put my number in it?
Carisi: i'm at work, miss, at work. whoa, who are all those big-breasted babes in there?
yoga babe: that's the hot yoga class! wanna join us?
Carisi: i love being the awkward comic relief in this deathly serious show.

* suspect: i don't speak English!
Ice-T: gotcha!

 * Liv: Owen, you are such a precocious little boy, the audience is falling in love with you! how did you get caught up in this mess?

Owen: no friggin' clue, i just wanted to go to Sesame Street. it's around here, right? New York?

* babysitter: what's the deal? why are you harassing me? i'm just the babysitter.

Liv: have you seen my babysitter? babysitters and i don't mix.

* Liv: Owen, did you ever see your dad looking at naughty pictures on the ipad?

Owen: yeah, he was looking at ponies.

* mother: i swear, i didn't want this for you. here's my wire.

father: thought for a second you were gonna show me your...does this mean you want us to get back together and be a family for Owen?

mother: yes...or no...what were we talking about again?...i forgot...i don't know, i lost it...

* Ice-T: i'm not taking a test to get a promotion. fuck school!

Carisi looks at Amaro.

Carisi: what was that look just now, Amaro? are you thinking you want to be a sarge?

Amaro: i want to, yes, i want to take the test Ice-T just gave up, but i looked at the preview for next week and i'm shot dead. i'm out. hey guys, enjoy the rest of this sinking-ship show.

SNL Reese Witherspoon / Florence + the Machine Episode Discussion

learned:

* Mom Montage Monologue: best monologue the show has ever done and i didn't laugh once. i am concerned that Cecily so readily gave up "cocaine" at age 13.

* Picture Perfect Draw The Clue Pictionary game show thing: not funny, not funny at all, this is serious.

* High School Theatre Show: see this isn't funny so much as it is needed. listen, take it from me, being a high-school theatre geek is the last time you're gonna have the opportunity to be earnest about the serious issues of our world without being laughed off the stage. i say go for it.

* Southern Ladies: they should have started with the robbery and the tweest at the end is that they're all angels.

* Water Slide: Kyle and Beck, this is for you, you two alone: i love you guys, but this is your first out-and-out dud. it bombed. so let's all bomb together, let's hold hands and cannonball into the water. see, wasn't that refreshing?

* Whiskers R We: you have to really go in there and caress her tit. sorry, but you have to commit to the comedy bit.

* Florence + the Machine: the coolest ginger this side of Karen Gillan. her stage presence, her electric voice, the vibrato of it all, the sneaky guitar. the stool. imagine if she had actually gotten out of that stool. she wanted to, she wanted to breakdance but Lorne said no.

* Mr. Westerberg: not funny, not funny at all, only funny if you're a fan of dark humor.

* Goodnights: don't thank Lorne, moms are all that matter.

Law & Order SVU "Perverted Justice" Episode Discussion

learned:

* now this is what i'm talkin bout. much much better, i mean we actually had an episode that wasn't a soap opera. it wasn't about gambling debts or ex-wives or babies. it was a case. how refreshing. we were introduced to a new family and the show focused on that family, not the squad. and, gasp, there was a MYSTERY here! there was a messy ending. it was left to the viewer to decide. what is this, the first season of the mothership show?

* the biggest star of this episode turned out to be someone no one was expecting: frickin' Wilson is back! but he's turned into an asshole lawyer. House would love him now!

* Carisi: hey boss, i didn't know yous was Unitarian.
Liv: i'm not but it's good for my son to have something to hang onto.
Carisi: something to rebel against when he gets older.
Liv: what are you, Carisi?
Carisi: i believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. nah just bustin' ya chops, but i do love spaghetti.

* Pembleton: oh my god what i would have done if i was out on the streets of Baltimore during that one day of riots...

* Liv: those kids are so cute! so Captain, how are you and Mel Harris?
Cragen: i'm not with her anymore, i'm with Nicole Wallace.
Amaro: come on Captain.
Cragen: i know, i know, but she's hot.
Amaro: the station's fallen apart without you, Captain.
Cragen: i know, this show basically died when Stabler left.

* Rollins: Captain!
Cragen: hello blondie, do i know you? sorry it's just i'm getting older and every blonde i see now registers in my brain as Nicole Wallace.
Carisi: hello, Captain.
Cragen: hello, sonnyboy.
Carisi: that's exactly right, sir, that's exactly my name.

* spaced-out former lawyer: i used to practice law till they disbarred me. is it a crime to have 1723 hand puppets in one's apartment? got any weed? it's legal now, right?
Amaro: ma'am do you know anything about a certain letter?
spaced-out former lawyer: E is my favorite letter. i watch Sesame Street everyday. on E.
Rollins: thank you ma'am, goodbye. so Nick, wanna fuck somewhere before lunch?

* cranky judge: step away, counselor, i read the paperwork, i'm prepared.
Pembleton: what really happened to the sympathetic judge i wanted?
cranky judge: i stole her paperwork and locked her in my office. happy?

* at the bar.
Pembleton: i'll have what she's having.
Liv: i'm having prune juice.

SNL Scarlett Johansson / Wiz Khalifa Episode Discussion

first, some housekeeping:

* after this weekend i really miss Mike Tyson...in the ring anyway, and in classic video games, and on awesome 11-minute adult swim shows.

* Romain Dauriac: from all of us here and around the world, we salute you, sir.

learned:

* i'm about to be wilding...but there are only two more left. will i survive? stay tuned.

* cold open: more exciting than the actual fight, less exciting than the Kentucky Derby. i would pay for the SNL version of the fight. no i wouldn't. i would never pay for boxing, that's insane.

* monologue: MILF: Mother who's been In a Lot of Films. but what kind of films? is the question.

* Marvel knows girls. do you see all those nerds flooding all those Marvel cons all the time? well they all had to have come from somewhere.

* Bruce Jenner.

* Virgin Flight: there is no such thing as malfunctioning babe robots.

* Wiz Khalifa: i love that dude's high angelic voice. no, the other dude, not Wiz Khalifa. i love Wiz Khalifa, Wiz Khalifa is a tall, skinny dude like me. Wiz Khalifa is the happiest rapper i've ever seen.

* Orioles game: sad though it was, i have to say the first-ever empty-stadium MLB game was a historic sight to behold and it got to me. it was weird and haunting and you could hear a pin drop Anubis-style. and i kinda want to keep it this way, let's have all the games like this from now on, it's the only way i'll ever be interested in boring-as-the-dirt-they-play-on baseball ever again. except of course when my Giants win a tense, thrilling last game of the World Series and stuff.

* Blazer: what would happen to Jack Bauer in real life. if he were racist.

* goodnights: damn girl, come on ScarJo, spoilers! i'm glad i didn't pay for the fight and just followed it on Skip Bayless's twitter...so Manny won, right?