learned:
* this sucks. not the show. just this. this in general. all of this.
* Sledge: why did we survive? it makes no scientific sense! were the toy sales really that bad?
Chip Lynne: see i wanted to do this clever thing where instead of a Ranger from the past season making an appearance we get the villains of the past season to come back. mixes it up.
Sledge: does this mean my marriage to Poisandra is annulled? please.
* Odius: finally! it takes this age of MeToo to finally get a strong female monster as the lead villain. who are you?
Shinigami: just think of me as your Shinigami. from TMNT? same network.
Odius: and you?
Poisandra: Poisandra.
Odius: you are my other bitch. it's good to be king.
Sledge: oh thank you, kind madam. i am at your service. i've been trying everything to get that battleaxe off me.
Poisandra: you said you wanted me to craft a battleaxe for you, you bastard! well the joke's on you! i'm gonna use this battleaxe to kill you!
Sledge: easy easy, calm down, babe, the sex was fantastic. even when we realized our body parts don't fit together.
* Sledge: you like rocks, honey?
Poisandra: god yes.
Sledge: i got the perfect rock to drop you off on.
* Cosmo: let's start this show up again!
Odius: but why? for fuck sake why? what even is the point?
Cosmo: veg out. lay like broccoli.
* Shinigami: the Super Ninja Steel...
Odius: please, i can't take you seriously if you use the word "Super." just call it Purple Stuff.
* Rangers: hey everybody! welcome back to school! we all had pretty uneventful summers.
Pink: not me. i fucked every single person who lives in this town. i didn't want to, but everyone kept saying i looked like a porn star.
* Dad: ah the memories. i remember coming this school 20 years ago.
the brothers: don't you mean "coming to", dad?
Dad: no, coming. i came here as a janitor. i came all over the woman who is now your Principal. have you ever wondered why you get straight As despite never being around on test days cos you're fighting intergalactic crime?
* Victor and Monty: Billy Mays here. with this new glue stick, i mean Fabreze stick you, too, can ward off monsters. we're rich and back in our Sherlock Holmes getup for still some reason. here's a million dollars, Principal.
Principal: who do you think you are, Robert Redford?
* Rangers: hey! Mick! back so soon?
Mick: i accidentally burned my entire hometown down fiddling where i shouldn't have been fiddling. ancient space city full of untold history, shame. i'm gonna lay off the experiments awhile if you don't mind, can't help you. that Lioness girl from before is dead. my parents disowned me.
Rangers: can we ride the space taxi?
* Brody: i've been working on my acting in the interim.
Country Singer: what?
Brody: can't you tell?
* Mick: is it Prism Nexus or Nexus Prism? anyway it's damaged, shattered in the middle like my broken heart.
Pink: want a sympathy fuck? i hate seeing you like this, Mick.
Mick: *crying* i, uh, got rejected by Neighbours. they said i had the talent but not the look. not the look they were going for. so it seems this is the only work i'm ever gonna find. i'm not gonna be the next Paul Hogan.
* Australian woman: the Monster Repellent Stick is a sham! i'm most likely a huge star on an Australian soap but this is the first you Americans are seeing of me. not naked anyway.
* Principal: well well well, you're a couple of hucksters. reminds me of my stupid virginity-taker janitor boyfriend here at this school. turns out he was a professional virginity-taker. i got taken. he claims he disappeared. disappeared my ass in a skirt.
Victor and Monty: PLEASE let us come back to school and complete our edumacation.
Principal: fine. here are your syllabi.
Victor: syllabi?
Principal: syllabuses?
Monty: fuck that mess. education is too hard. i'm gonna become a prison tattoo-artist. Australia is crawling with prisoners.
* Pink: look at my ass in these jeans. ridiculous. my ass is so phat i got TWO phones, one for each buttock cheek.
* Pink: *pinching nose* what stinks!?
Mick: it smells like your vagina when you fucked me.
Pink: yeah well at least i don't got a leprechaun taint.
* oh, that's a cool Surfboard Zord tho
NOTES FROM MY NETHER / only the finest programs of television / your host this evening is early and wears no robe, 83optics on youtube but you know him better as THE LATE PHOENIX / come and mull over the monastery mulled wine, see what's on / N O T E S
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Thursday, January 25, 2018
The X-Files "The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat"
learned:
* this better become my favorite episode.
* this episode wins the Emmy for best title.
* interestingly, Darin has stood out more in this new era where the episodes are seen as weak. before he was a talented writer in a crop of 13 or so talented writers in the '90s so he kinda got lost in the mix. or am i misremembering that, was he always a star? i mean do you honestly remember any of the other episodes?
* okay now i don't feel so bad. i was beginning to think before i knew what this episode was about that i was not a true Twilight Zone fan.
* as a result of that episode, all waiters are required never to wear hats. their hairnets show and it's most unattractive.
* Fox, the reason people watched House was for Hugh Laurie, not the medical drama. Hugh Laurie coulda done a Western.
* squatchin': how men go to the bathroom.
* not a mold of Bigfoot's foot, a mold of Mulder's.........well he has big feet.
* i only know Brian Huskey from Childrens Hospital. that show should have been on Fox.
* Rod Serling was such a kind man he would resurrect himself from the dead solely to star in this episode, that's something he would do.
* Berenstain Effect would have been funnier.
* Mulder: admit it.
Scully: okay i'm a closet Outer Limits fan.
Mulder: this is why i'm asexual.
* Kid Mulder: Darin takes his first drug of the evening.
* yeah as a kid jello was just never my thing. big bowls of jiggly gelatin didn't do it for me. i dunno. more of an ice boy.
* it was Scully's desk all along, she just never used it. allergic to all the dust down there.
* Scully: well this is romantic.
Mulder: you fucking Skinner?
* a mother is always involved.
* They Can't Lick our Dick. i've never been a natural political animal, but that would have gotten even me to canvass.
* parallel universes. they exist but everyone's in this universe.
* lawn darts: the Tide pods of yesteryear
* i had a similar They character. named They anyway. oh well i guess it doesn't matter now.
* that wasn't political commentary, that was a commentary on King Kong. hopefully in the future there will be a better way to communicate with each other than comment sections.
* why did we invade Grenada? for the granola.
* i mean i guess he must have felt special-effects makeup couldn't have been that great back then.
* To Serve Man is a cookbook but it's vegan.
* sugartits, strangely, is what men say to each other.
* they should just replace the I WANT TO BELIEVE with the Nixon poster.
* i told you she was hot. i told you a mother is always involved.
* insertion can be painful.
* Scully: where's Einstein?
Agent: dead.
* Mulder: straight cash homey
* Cruz: this is my favorite show.
* the most unsettling part of those statues are the pants.
* Abe Vigoda was goth before it was cool.
* Murgatroid, i was gonna use that, too, damn you Darin you magnificent bastard.
* but it was devilfood wedding cake.
* just another Water Bucket Challenge.
* Reggie: what happened to the good ol' days? Ghostbusters and forever-home mental-institutions and catching crazies with a dogcatcher's net?
* do you know how much that record would catch at a vinyl shop?
* Alien: cut this last scene. put it on the DVD extras. my stairmaster broke.
* Alien: the universe will build its own Wall. and we will all pay for it. it's called the Second Big Bang.
* Mulder: men pee standing up? no it can't be!!!
* Mulder: i forgive you, Scully.
Scully: for what?
Mulder: let's make love. i love your body leprechaun taint and all.
* it did.
* this better become my favorite episode.
* this episode wins the Emmy for best title.
* interestingly, Darin has stood out more in this new era where the episodes are seen as weak. before he was a talented writer in a crop of 13 or so talented writers in the '90s so he kinda got lost in the mix. or am i misremembering that, was he always a star? i mean do you honestly remember any of the other episodes?
* okay now i don't feel so bad. i was beginning to think before i knew what this episode was about that i was not a true Twilight Zone fan.
* as a result of that episode, all waiters are required never to wear hats. their hairnets show and it's most unattractive.
* Fox, the reason people watched House was for Hugh Laurie, not the medical drama. Hugh Laurie coulda done a Western.
* squatchin': how men go to the bathroom.
* not a mold of Bigfoot's foot, a mold of Mulder's.........well he has big feet.
* i only know Brian Huskey from Childrens Hospital. that show should have been on Fox.
* Rod Serling was such a kind man he would resurrect himself from the dead solely to star in this episode, that's something he would do.
* Berenstain Effect would have been funnier.
* Mulder: admit it.
Scully: okay i'm a closet Outer Limits fan.
Mulder: this is why i'm asexual.
* Kid Mulder: Darin takes his first drug of the evening.
* yeah as a kid jello was just never my thing. big bowls of jiggly gelatin didn't do it for me. i dunno. more of an ice boy.
* it was Scully's desk all along, she just never used it. allergic to all the dust down there.
* Scully: well this is romantic.
Mulder: you fucking Skinner?
* a mother is always involved.
* They Can't Lick our Dick. i've never been a natural political animal, but that would have gotten even me to canvass.
* parallel universes. they exist but everyone's in this universe.
* lawn darts: the Tide pods of yesteryear
* i had a similar They character. named They anyway. oh well i guess it doesn't matter now.
* that wasn't political commentary, that was a commentary on King Kong. hopefully in the future there will be a better way to communicate with each other than comment sections.
* why did we invade Grenada? for the granola.
* i mean i guess he must have felt special-effects makeup couldn't have been that great back then.
* To Serve Man is a cookbook but it's vegan.
* sugartits, strangely, is what men say to each other.
* they should just replace the I WANT TO BELIEVE with the Nixon poster.
* i told you she was hot. i told you a mother is always involved.
* insertion can be painful.
* Scully: where's Einstein?
Agent: dead.
* Mulder: straight cash homey
* Cruz: this is my favorite show.
* the most unsettling part of those statues are the pants.
* Abe Vigoda was goth before it was cool.
* Murgatroid, i was gonna use that, too, damn you Darin you magnificent bastard.
* but it was devilfood wedding cake.
* just another Water Bucket Challenge.
* Reggie: what happened to the good ol' days? Ghostbusters and forever-home mental-institutions and catching crazies with a dogcatcher's net?
* do you know how much that record would catch at a vinyl shop?
* Alien: cut this last scene. put it on the DVD extras. my stairmaster broke.
* Alien: the universe will build its own Wall. and we will all pay for it. it's called the Second Big Bang.
* Mulder: men pee standing up? no it can't be!!!
* Mulder: i forgive you, Scully.
Scully: for what?
Mulder: let's make love. i love your body leprechaun taint and all.
* it did.
Friday, January 19, 2018
Justice League Action "Watchtower Tours"
learned:
* so.......................................yeah. the nightmare scenario has occurred. better gulp up the remaining episodes on my Comcast slot before they're taken offline. there're still 3 more episodes not there, the final three. you mean i'm never gonna find out how this ends? serious challenging drama, is that too much to ask? in my cartoons?
* also, why is it that only the good shows get cancelled? how does that keep on managing to happen?
* before we go any further, it's Mister M from now on, just Mister M.
* and before we go any further, obviously these disguises are comically lacking.
* Booster Gold: i said DO in a surfer's drawl for emphasis.
* Batman: i really do like you. but i must maintain the gruff exterior when i'm your boss.
Booster Gold: but can we fuck afterhours?
* Booster Gold: this is where the Minnow should have destinated after their three-hour tour.
* attractive woman: you appreciate my dilemma. i had a floating ball hover over me the entire trip, none of the other passengers just me, a ball named Captain Skeets...
Granny Goodness: i love those Captain Stabbin porn vids, he is so handsome!
* Granny: got a real bug problem here, bruiser.
Booster: that's just a tape.
* Booster: laundry is the most important arsenal in a superhero's tool belt. i lost my tool belt in the laundry but at least i have clean socks.
* Booster: i know who you are........................DRAMATIC MUSIC..................Mario's son or something?
man: yes. i'm gonna be Mario in the new Cartoon Network Jr. show.
* woman: selfie-stick! i don't have any followers but my alter-ego does!
* tour group: *snap snap* OMG that is adorable! the Batjet is sleeping upside-down like a real bat!
* Booster: no flash photography allowed in here. nor photography.
tour group: what about Skeets?
Booster: he's technically a government drone.
* woman: let me guess, Wonder Wonder's jet is here but it's invisible.
Booster: no, it crashed in the desert. Diana's okay but she couldn't get anyone to believe it was gone and still had to pay the insurance on it.
* Booster: recognize Booster.
computer: invalid.
Booster: recognize Bono from U2.
computer: recognize Boodica.
Booster: she's hot. am i seeing her? there are so many, i forget.
* Booster: we got snakes in the kitchen. not as a defense, we just got snakes in the kitchen.
* Granny: i don't gotta go to the powder room anymore.................if you catch my drift.
* Booster: i'm out of power.
woman: get a Samsung power suit next time.
Booster: Teddy? you, too? it's always the ones wearing a hoodie.
woman: surprise! it's me, Joker!
Booster: did we used to date?
* Booster: unknown associate?
Joker: don't feel bad, he calls me that, too.
Booster: why is Batman's phone always full?
Joker: he has never once answered a call to him.
* Granny: who you callin' a battleaxe, Toy Boy!
Toyman: i'm actually a fully-grown man in past incarnations. creepily so.
* Booster: and now for the puns. don't mind the fact that there are 13 of us. we didn't copy Naruto, we copied ourselves, get it? Romancing the Drone does make sense.
alternate-timeline Booster: how?
Booster: it was the last movie in my Netflix queue before i had to cancel. i'll never watch a film again. that film got me through hard times. i'm the Booster that comes from the world without love.
* Booster: marshmallows for all!
alternate-timeline Booster: thanks. you just gave me diabetes. i'm the intolerant Booster, remember?
Booster: sorry. phone trees can get messy. haven't you ever played Operator?
alternate-timeline Booster: no. i'm the Booster who has only known war.
* Diedrich Bader: Yachts R Us. everyone knows what i sound like, but does anyone know what i look like anymore?
* just a macro-observation to close things out as i look over the landscape of the remaining episodes and this brilliant quality series as a whole: there was a lot of Booster Gold and Space Cabbie and Firestorm. for some reason. but there must always be adult animation, that must never shut down. what i'm saying is this show coulda been saved if it had been on adult swim and we had the Trinity Threesome the fans clamored for.
* so.......................................yeah. the nightmare scenario has occurred. better gulp up the remaining episodes on my Comcast slot before they're taken offline. there're still 3 more episodes not there, the final three. you mean i'm never gonna find out how this ends? serious challenging drama, is that too much to ask? in my cartoons?
* also, why is it that only the good shows get cancelled? how does that keep on managing to happen?
* before we go any further, it's Mister M from now on, just Mister M.
* and before we go any further, obviously these disguises are comically lacking.
* Booster Gold: i said DO in a surfer's drawl for emphasis.
* Batman: i really do like you. but i must maintain the gruff exterior when i'm your boss.
Booster Gold: but can we fuck afterhours?
* Booster Gold: this is where the Minnow should have destinated after their three-hour tour.
* attractive woman: you appreciate my dilemma. i had a floating ball hover over me the entire trip, none of the other passengers just me, a ball named Captain Skeets...
Granny Goodness: i love those Captain Stabbin porn vids, he is so handsome!
* Granny: got a real bug problem here, bruiser.
Booster: that's just a tape.
* Booster: laundry is the most important arsenal in a superhero's tool belt. i lost my tool belt in the laundry but at least i have clean socks.
* Booster: i know who you are........................DRAMATIC MUSIC..................Mario's son or something?
man: yes. i'm gonna be Mario in the new Cartoon Network Jr. show.
* woman: selfie-stick! i don't have any followers but my alter-ego does!
* tour group: *snap snap* OMG that is adorable! the Batjet is sleeping upside-down like a real bat!
* Booster: no flash photography allowed in here. nor photography.
tour group: what about Skeets?
Booster: he's technically a government drone.
* woman: let me guess, Wonder Wonder's jet is here but it's invisible.
Booster: no, it crashed in the desert. Diana's okay but she couldn't get anyone to believe it was gone and still had to pay the insurance on it.
* Booster: recognize Booster.
computer: invalid.
Booster: recognize Bono from U2.
computer: recognize Boodica.
Booster: she's hot. am i seeing her? there are so many, i forget.
* Booster: we got snakes in the kitchen. not as a defense, we just got snakes in the kitchen.
* Granny: i don't gotta go to the powder room anymore.................if you catch my drift.
* Booster: i'm out of power.
woman: get a Samsung power suit next time.
Booster: Teddy? you, too? it's always the ones wearing a hoodie.
woman: surprise! it's me, Joker!
Booster: did we used to date?
* Booster: unknown associate?
Joker: don't feel bad, he calls me that, too.
Booster: why is Batman's phone always full?
Joker: he has never once answered a call to him.
* Granny: who you callin' a battleaxe, Toy Boy!
Toyman: i'm actually a fully-grown man in past incarnations. creepily so.
* Booster: and now for the puns. don't mind the fact that there are 13 of us. we didn't copy Naruto, we copied ourselves, get it? Romancing the Drone does make sense.
alternate-timeline Booster: how?
Booster: it was the last movie in my Netflix queue before i had to cancel. i'll never watch a film again. that film got me through hard times. i'm the Booster that comes from the world without love.
* Booster: marshmallows for all!
alternate-timeline Booster: thanks. you just gave me diabetes. i'm the intolerant Booster, remember?
Booster: sorry. phone trees can get messy. haven't you ever played Operator?
alternate-timeline Booster: no. i'm the Booster who has only known war.
* Diedrich Bader: Yachts R Us. everyone knows what i sound like, but does anyone know what i look like anymore?
* just a macro-observation to close things out as i look over the landscape of the remaining episodes and this brilliant quality series as a whole: there was a lot of Booster Gold and Space Cabbie and Firestorm. for some reason. but there must always be adult animation, that must never shut down. what i'm saying is this show coulda been saved if it had been on adult swim and we had the Trinity Threesome the fans clamored for.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
The X-Files "Plus One"
learned:
* not a fat thing
* Chris Carter can write good
* Scully: are the answers in the X Files?
Mulder: the answers are contained in our hearts and souls.
Scully: no i mean all the stuff about aliens and conspiracies and weekly monsters.
Mulder: no they're in the Snowden Files. he's your little brother, right?
Scully: yeah.
Mulder: yeah i see the resemblance.
* crowd-surfer: crowd-surfing is so '90s. perfect for this show.
* Billy: does this mean the Pumpkins are finally back together?
D'arcy: no.
* Arkie: why are you trying to kill me?
doppelganger: i am the true Noah. i only saw that movie cos of Emma Watson.
* Scully: are you okay?
Arkie: yeah i had truck insurance.
Scully: how'd you afford your pot then?
Arkie: haven't you heard? pot is free now.
* lawyer: how did my client hang himself outside of the prison bars?
Mulder: he had you as a lawyer. just kidding. lighten up, man, this is a comedy episode.
* Karin Konoval: i'm an actress. i can play innocent and menacing.
Gillian Anderson: i know, you beat me out for that Ape part. still don't know why they chose you. they could have chosen anyone.
* nurses: yeah we're nurses here but we don't really like to get involved.
* head nurse: hurry up, I gotta do SVU next.
* Karin Konoval: you're hot.
Mulder: you have the look of one of those aging actresses who must have been smoking hot when they were young.
* Little Judy: want me to fling you some Dookie? it's just ice cream or brownie or something.
Scully: A-HA! i solved the case! THAT's why you got the Ape part.
Mulder: weren't you in a couple of the classic episodes of that show? you know that seminal show from the '90s?
* Mulder: so you and Little Chucky Poundstone play Hangman with each other?
Little Judy: to stave off the boredom yes.
Mulder: where's Paula Poundstone?
Little Judy: we don't talk about Little Paula.
* Judy: we play Hangman with each other.
Chucky: it's more like Wheel of Fortune without the Wheel. we don't get out much. like to stay in and watch tv.
* Scully: bread pills? can't i just eat bread?
* Mulder: oh, now i get it. you're both Little Judy and Little Chucky. no wonder you're all fucked up in the head.
Karin Konoval: you need to be fucked up in the head or you'll never win an Emmy.
Mulder: character actors never win an Emmy. i should know. not to call you a hoarder or anything...
Little Chucky: who you calling a whore?
* Judy: you're an old used hag. with a wizened, dried-up vagina.
Scully: i'd do anything to be a battleaxe. being a scientist is so passe. but who am i gonna marry? Mulder?
Judy: i was thinking you and i could fuck. that was how i flirt. that's my opening line.
Scully: that's very kind, but i want children.
* lawyer: i got problems.
Mulder: i know. i mean you own this huge hollowed-out cavernous mansion with no guests, empty all the time save for your unnecessary and gaudy samurai-sword collection. why live alone in such a place? who does that? why be a lawyer if you can't have fun?
lawyer: do you live alone?
Mulder: yes but i own one couch like a normal bachelor.
Scully: it's actually my couch, that's why i'm always over there.
* lawyer: what should i do?
Scully: stay in your mansion.
lawyer: what if my doppelganger is there?
Scully: offer him a drink.
* Scully: i don't believe in ghosts.
Mulder: that hurts me, Scully. i was goth in high school. do you believe in Satan?
Scully: what, cos of the red hair?
* Mulder: S&M, get it?
Scully: spoon me.
Mulder: that sounds so dirty.
Scully: y'know Mulder, sometimes i feel we two are the only ones who can save this insanely corroding world.
Mulder: Scully........i'm an alien.
Scully: oh i love when we role-play. i'll be The Wall.
* lawyer: you got any coffee?
waitress: i bet you say that to all the waitresses.
lawyer: this is a total Twin Peaks rip-off.
* Scully: you're not real. you're simply the Scully who quit the show when it left Vancouver like you were supposed to do.
* Mulder: i'm too old for action scenes. i have a stunt double. and when i'm playing me, that's a double, too.
* Mulder: what a grisly crime scene. how can someone cut off his own head?..................does anyone suddenly feel the urge to play basketball? Scully, i'll meet you for a pick-up game at the Y in ten minutes, let's change together at the motel.
* Mulder: you're not old. you still got scoot in the boot.
Scully: i don't wear cowboy boots.
Mulder: well you did that one time at Kinko's on top of the xerox machine.
* Scully: ATTHS.
Mulder: always wondered, why is that just a Mulder & Scully thing? can't it apply to any fictional ship-tease?
* Scully: *knock knock knock* okay Mulder i knocked three times. i'm coming in. my biological clock is ticking, let's do this.
Mulder: i'm tired.
Scully: i saw you drinking coffee at that café.
Mulder: i'm sorry, Scully. but i'm asexual, remember? this was all decided long ago in the pilot. you must have suspected something when you first met me and i was wearing those glasses.
* not a fat thing
* Chris Carter can write good
* Scully: are the answers in the X Files?
Mulder: the answers are contained in our hearts and souls.
Scully: no i mean all the stuff about aliens and conspiracies and weekly monsters.
Mulder: no they're in the Snowden Files. he's your little brother, right?
Scully: yeah.
Mulder: yeah i see the resemblance.
* crowd-surfer: crowd-surfing is so '90s. perfect for this show.
* Billy: does this mean the Pumpkins are finally back together?
D'arcy: no.
* Arkie: why are you trying to kill me?
doppelganger: i am the true Noah. i only saw that movie cos of Emma Watson.
* Scully: are you okay?
Arkie: yeah i had truck insurance.
Scully: how'd you afford your pot then?
Arkie: haven't you heard? pot is free now.
* lawyer: how did my client hang himself outside of the prison bars?
Mulder: he had you as a lawyer. just kidding. lighten up, man, this is a comedy episode.
* Karin Konoval: i'm an actress. i can play innocent and menacing.
Gillian Anderson: i know, you beat me out for that Ape part. still don't know why they chose you. they could have chosen anyone.
* nurses: yeah we're nurses here but we don't really like to get involved.
* head nurse: hurry up, I gotta do SVU next.
* Karin Konoval: you're hot.
Mulder: you have the look of one of those aging actresses who must have been smoking hot when they were young.
* Little Judy: want me to fling you some Dookie? it's just ice cream or brownie or something.
Scully: A-HA! i solved the case! THAT's why you got the Ape part.
Mulder: weren't you in a couple of the classic episodes of that show? you know that seminal show from the '90s?
* Mulder: so you and Little Chucky Poundstone play Hangman with each other?
Little Judy: to stave off the boredom yes.
Mulder: where's Paula Poundstone?
Little Judy: we don't talk about Little Paula.
* Judy: we play Hangman with each other.
Chucky: it's more like Wheel of Fortune without the Wheel. we don't get out much. like to stay in and watch tv.
* Scully: bread pills? can't i just eat bread?
* Mulder: oh, now i get it. you're both Little Judy and Little Chucky. no wonder you're all fucked up in the head.
Karin Konoval: you need to be fucked up in the head or you'll never win an Emmy.
Mulder: character actors never win an Emmy. i should know. not to call you a hoarder or anything...
Little Chucky: who you calling a whore?
* Judy: you're an old used hag. with a wizened, dried-up vagina.
Scully: i'd do anything to be a battleaxe. being a scientist is so passe. but who am i gonna marry? Mulder?
Judy: i was thinking you and i could fuck. that was how i flirt. that's my opening line.
Scully: that's very kind, but i want children.
* lawyer: i got problems.
Mulder: i know. i mean you own this huge hollowed-out cavernous mansion with no guests, empty all the time save for your unnecessary and gaudy samurai-sword collection. why live alone in such a place? who does that? why be a lawyer if you can't have fun?
lawyer: do you live alone?
Mulder: yes but i own one couch like a normal bachelor.
Scully: it's actually my couch, that's why i'm always over there.
* lawyer: what should i do?
Scully: stay in your mansion.
lawyer: what if my doppelganger is there?
Scully: offer him a drink.
* Scully: i don't believe in ghosts.
Mulder: that hurts me, Scully. i was goth in high school. do you believe in Satan?
Scully: what, cos of the red hair?
* Mulder: S&M, get it?
Scully: spoon me.
Mulder: that sounds so dirty.
Scully: y'know Mulder, sometimes i feel we two are the only ones who can save this insanely corroding world.
Mulder: Scully........i'm an alien.
Scully: oh i love when we role-play. i'll be The Wall.
* lawyer: you got any coffee?
waitress: i bet you say that to all the waitresses.
lawyer: this is a total Twin Peaks rip-off.
* Scully: you're not real. you're simply the Scully who quit the show when it left Vancouver like you were supposed to do.
* Mulder: i'm too old for action scenes. i have a stunt double. and when i'm playing me, that's a double, too.
* Mulder: what a grisly crime scene. how can someone cut off his own head?..................does anyone suddenly feel the urge to play basketball? Scully, i'll meet you for a pick-up game at the Y in ten minutes, let's change together at the motel.
* Mulder: you're not old. you still got scoot in the boot.
Scully: i don't wear cowboy boots.
Mulder: well you did that one time at Kinko's on top of the xerox machine.
* Scully: ATTHS.
Mulder: always wondered, why is that just a Mulder & Scully thing? can't it apply to any fictional ship-tease?
* Scully: *knock knock knock* okay Mulder i knocked three times. i'm coming in. my biological clock is ticking, let's do this.
Mulder: i'm tired.
Scully: i saw you drinking coffee at that café.
Mulder: i'm sorry, Scully. but i'm asexual, remember? this was all decided long ago in the pilot. you must have suspected something when you first met me and i was wearing those glasses.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
The X-Files "This"
learned:
* GREATEST TITLE EVER
* this what? this song? this kiss? it should have been George Harrison, not Burt Reynolds. Faith Hill should dye her hair red just to see...
* speaking of this, is it just me or is David Duchovny just not really into this?
* Dean Haglund is alive. he just looks like a skeleton.
* land-line? oh yeah forgot this was a '90s series.
* Mulder: we're sleeping together. on my couch.
Scully: how did they know where to find you?
Mulder: probably that I WANT TO BELIEVE poster plastered on my wall there. should probably take that down.
* Scully: wanna do a shootout?
Mulder: nah. i'm too old for this shit.
* army head: we are Russian. we're your friends. we help you out. what you want?
Mulder: more video games, less guns.
Scully: oh, so we have to pretend this is happening under Trump? show me your papers.
army head: we surrender.
* Skinner: surrender. i'll explain later.
Scully: TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! or i swear i'll call you Walter again!
Mulder: what did he say?
Scully: couldn't make him out between the land-line and the Langly ghost.
* Scully: don't only married couples do the three-legged race?
* Skinner: you guys need money?
Scully nods.
Skinner tosses her some air.
Skinner: bitcoin.
* Mulder: i love graveyards. they remind me of my youth.
Scully: i lost my virginity in a graveyard.
Mulder: oh. i was gonna say this graveyard reminds me of the ghost level in Zelda.
* Mulder: Deep Throat. the tombstone's wrong, it should say Mark Felt.
Scully: that was my favorite all-time porno.
* Mulder: wait, how can zombies shoot straight?
* Scully: omg this bran muffin is so good.
Mulder: stop bragging about your poon, Scully, we all know.
Scully: can't say AT&T Building, huh?
Mulder: copyright. patent pending. not until it becomes the Disney Building.
Scully: why are you trying to kiss me? Blarney is the codename.
* Skinner: everything is online now, including the X-Files. no more secrets, the public know all about you two, you guys are famous.
Mulder: the Frohike Scully fap pics?
Skinner: nothing in that file. just an empty link to another file. misdirection. classic codename.
Mulder: i'm sick of these codenames.
Skinner: Frohike was responsible for the Fappening, though. the full name of that file is the Frohike Fappening.
Scully: maybe it was a good idea to take a long break from this show.
* Sandrine Holt, as i live and breathe. if a Canadian sci-fi show ever existed, Sandrine Holt starred in one episode of it.
* Scully: who the fuck is shooting at you?
Sandrine: some guy who looked like a tech genius. they couldn't find work after the techlash.
Mulder: what do you teach?
Sandrine: Rhetoric of course.
Scully: that's so romantic. you wanted to join Langly in Consciousness for eternity.
Sandrine: yeah. college is a waste of time. why read the Bible if you can get the CliffsNotes?
* Mulder: sticking my finger down my throat...........that's where the microchip is...
* Langly: Heaven is cool. but it sucks. there's nothing to do anymore. but there's nothing to do. the Ramones are here, but they're all Spanish novela hunks. there are hot dogs, but they disappear into the doughnut holes. now you know what doughnut holes are for. the Patriots always lose, yet Tom Brady still got Gisele.
* Mulder: this is the greatest mystery of them all: how do you look so good at your age?
Barbara Hershey: no plastic surgery. women are finally free to be women. we can be the chairman of the board now.
Mulder: speaking of reality, i never knew you were real. i thought you lived inside my tv box cos you were always crying from behind the screen. i thought you were a trapped chocolate heiress.
Barbara: the world will be destroyed. all the people and all the animals.
Mulder: at least save the animals. tell me, what does God look like?
Barbara: she looks an awful lot like Mother Nature. quick, think of your father.
Mulder: yeah you're right. i thought of that other guy, not the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
* Scully: is this that staircase that is impossible? you go up it and you find yourself at the bottom of it?
Mulder: no, that's the Fox props department recognizing what this show is and cutting their losses. hey Dana, you know i perform my best magic handcuffed.
Scully: of course you do, Fox, they're magic handcuffs, they can be opened by pushing a secret button in the back.
* Mulder: um..............................don't you have your own place?
* dude! it's the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk song!
* GREATEST TITLE EVER
* this what? this song? this kiss? it should have been George Harrison, not Burt Reynolds. Faith Hill should dye her hair red just to see...
* speaking of this, is it just me or is David Duchovny just not really into this?
* Dean Haglund is alive. he just looks like a skeleton.
* land-line? oh yeah forgot this was a '90s series.
* Mulder: we're sleeping together. on my couch.
Scully: how did they know where to find you?
Mulder: probably that I WANT TO BELIEVE poster plastered on my wall there. should probably take that down.
* Scully: wanna do a shootout?
Mulder: nah. i'm too old for this shit.
* army head: we are Russian. we're your friends. we help you out. what you want?
Mulder: more video games, less guns.
Scully: oh, so we have to pretend this is happening under Trump? show me your papers.
army head: we surrender.
* Skinner: surrender. i'll explain later.
Scully: TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! or i swear i'll call you Walter again!
Mulder: what did he say?
Scully: couldn't make him out between the land-line and the Langly ghost.
* Scully: don't only married couples do the three-legged race?
* Skinner: you guys need money?
Scully nods.
Skinner tosses her some air.
Skinner: bitcoin.
* Mulder: i love graveyards. they remind me of my youth.
Scully: i lost my virginity in a graveyard.
Mulder: oh. i was gonna say this graveyard reminds me of the ghost level in Zelda.
* Mulder: Deep Throat. the tombstone's wrong, it should say Mark Felt.
Scully: that was my favorite all-time porno.
* Mulder: wait, how can zombies shoot straight?
* Scully: omg this bran muffin is so good.
Mulder: stop bragging about your poon, Scully, we all know.
Scully: can't say AT&T Building, huh?
Mulder: copyright. patent pending. not until it becomes the Disney Building.
Scully: why are you trying to kiss me? Blarney is the codename.
* Skinner: everything is online now, including the X-Files. no more secrets, the public know all about you two, you guys are famous.
Mulder: the Frohike Scully fap pics?
Skinner: nothing in that file. just an empty link to another file. misdirection. classic codename.
Mulder: i'm sick of these codenames.
Skinner: Frohike was responsible for the Fappening, though. the full name of that file is the Frohike Fappening.
Scully: maybe it was a good idea to take a long break from this show.
* Sandrine Holt, as i live and breathe. if a Canadian sci-fi show ever existed, Sandrine Holt starred in one episode of it.
* Scully: who the fuck is shooting at you?
Sandrine: some guy who looked like a tech genius. they couldn't find work after the techlash.
Mulder: what do you teach?
Sandrine: Rhetoric of course.
Scully: that's so romantic. you wanted to join Langly in Consciousness for eternity.
Sandrine: yeah. college is a waste of time. why read the Bible if you can get the CliffsNotes?
* Mulder: sticking my finger down my throat...........that's where the microchip is...
* Langly: Heaven is cool. but it sucks. there's nothing to do anymore. but there's nothing to do. the Ramones are here, but they're all Spanish novela hunks. there are hot dogs, but they disappear into the doughnut holes. now you know what doughnut holes are for. the Patriots always lose, yet Tom Brady still got Gisele.
* Mulder: this is the greatest mystery of them all: how do you look so good at your age?
Barbara Hershey: no plastic surgery. women are finally free to be women. we can be the chairman of the board now.
Mulder: speaking of reality, i never knew you were real. i thought you lived inside my tv box cos you were always crying from behind the screen. i thought you were a trapped chocolate heiress.
Barbara: the world will be destroyed. all the people and all the animals.
Mulder: at least save the animals. tell me, what does God look like?
Barbara: she looks an awful lot like Mother Nature. quick, think of your father.
Mulder: yeah you're right. i thought of that other guy, not the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
* Scully: is this that staircase that is impossible? you go up it and you find yourself at the bottom of it?
Mulder: no, that's the Fox props department recognizing what this show is and cutting their losses. hey Dana, you know i perform my best magic handcuffed.
Scully: of course you do, Fox, they're magic handcuffs, they can be opened by pushing a secret button in the back.
* Mulder: um..............................don't you have your own place?
* dude! it's the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk song!
Thursday, January 4, 2018
The X-Files "My Struggle III"
learned:
* ah this show. oh this show which so sparks the space in my soul. i would wait for you forever for new episodes..............6!? 6!? that's it!?
* so it really wasn't a miniseries...it was two miniseries'es.
* the threequel of a film series rarely is the best movie in that film series. this is probably not the case here.
* Carl Gerhard Busch: Doctor Who's real name.
* can we all take a moment to recognize The X-Files wouldn't be the seminal series it is today without the Cigarette-Smoking Man. he is the greatest villain ever in fiction. he is The Last Sith.
* CSM is so smart about human nature and so hell-bent on destroying the world he would have been our greatest President...
* no Obama in that montage...what does it mean?...the Belluminati knows...
* something about that moon-landing scene. it seared into me. it will stay with me forever long after i stop reading science-fiction and just start reading the news. this revival was worth it if only for that scene.
* does anybody really consciously WANT to lie?
* let's bring on the clunky dialogue! you can tell Chris Carter is more of an idea-man than a writer. his writing may not be fluent but his concepts flow like alien wine. there is one thing Chris does love to write: CSM's macro-concept speeches. those speeches are filled with the wonder of a child who just picked up her first Asimov. i need to go surfing with this CC dude, get some cc's in me.
* Mulder: why do we keep having you as the doctor?
female Indian doctor: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Mulder: sorry, i'm trying to act angry.
* Skinner: i'm a clone, aren't i? i mean i don't age at all. hey you see that pattern of blinking flashing lights in Dana's scan? she's saying FIND HIM in morse code.
Mulder: Skinner is a robot confirmed.
Skinner: nah i just like Kanye.
* Skinner: why are you mad at me all of a sudden?
Mulder: Chris really wants me to practice acting angry. a lot. hey have you noticed this show does a lot of its work in hospitals? i see more hospital shots here than i ever did on ER. this is also the show which has tallied the most number of fights, scuffles, and murder-attempts at hospitals.
* Scully: after 11 seasons, i finally believe.
Mulder: that we were never really in love?
Scully: in a red hair-dye that works.
* Chris: you got plastic surgery on your face?
Spender: are you asking Spender or me the actor?
* Spender: the 209? what does that mean, Chris?
Chris: it's a California thing, you wouldn't understand.
* Monica Reyes: i am simply not believable as the bad guy.
CSM: that makes you the perfect bad guy.
* Mulder: either this show would not exist without the sponsorship of Mustang, or we're doing the next Fast & Furious right before your eyes.
* Mulder: where's my father!? i mean where's CSM!?
Syndicate: just missed them. we look just like them, don't we?
Mulder: not really.
* Syndicate: you should have seen CSM in his youth, he was all crazy and shit.
Mulder: he's mellowed in his old age. my father is the luckiest bastard who ever lived.
Syndicate: i mean even the little alien we had our secret cabal with was like, "chill out, CSM dude, that's bad for your blood pressure." the alien had no blood and was more of a pothead.
Mulder: got any of that pot on you right now?
Syndicate: it's legal now. pot has suddenly gotten extremely less-interesting.
* alien: okay, we'll take that crazy judge-lady on Fox News but we want Judge Judy back, we miss our queen.
* Mulder: you want to leave Earth? you want to colonize space? who are you working for!?
Syndicate: okay, you beat it out of us. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Mulder: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!
Syndicate: okay, okay, Neil is actually Carl Sagan from a different angle. holograms, the universe is all holograms.
* Monica: what would you do on an annihilated Earth with no human life?
CSM: i've always wanted to see what would happen if i injected alien DNA into a T-rex.
* Skinner: what's that smell?
CSM: it's legal now. do you smoke? now?
Monica: this franchise is a stoner's dream.........................still not sure why i'm here...
* Scully: i left Shakespearean theatre in London for this? i had to relearn my American accent? this is like the third time i'm in mortal danger just this episode.
Agent Einstein: it's okay, i'm a bad driver, too. just like you.
Scully: *sigh*
* Einstein: Miller, what are we doing here?
Miller does not speak.
Monica: i know, right?
* Syndicate assassin: i wasn't trying to kill her. i was choking her. i thought she liked it rough.
Mulder scalpels him.
Mulder: you can't say those type of things anymore.
* Mulder: you smell like smoke.
Skinner: it's legal now.
Mulder: you want to have our pissing contest? right here right now in this hospital?
Skinner: wait let me get the bedpans.
* Skinner: wait, YOU fucked Scully!?
CSM: i artificially fucked Scully, there's a difference. talk about a seminal series.
* Mulder: i knew i wasn't the father. i don't do romantic. it's just not in my DNA.
Skinner: you should listen to more Kendrick, Mulder.
* John McClane: boooooo. now we know what William looks like. mystery ruined.
Haley Joel Osment: i see dead people.
John McClane: so?
* ah this show. oh this show which so sparks the space in my soul. i would wait for you forever for new episodes..............6!? 6!? that's it!?
* so it really wasn't a miniseries...it was two miniseries'es.
* the threequel of a film series rarely is the best movie in that film series. this is probably not the case here.
* Carl Gerhard Busch: Doctor Who's real name.
* can we all take a moment to recognize The X-Files wouldn't be the seminal series it is today without the Cigarette-Smoking Man. he is the greatest villain ever in fiction. he is The Last Sith.
* CSM is so smart about human nature and so hell-bent on destroying the world he would have been our greatest President...
* no Obama in that montage...what does it mean?...the Belluminati knows...
* something about that moon-landing scene. it seared into me. it will stay with me forever long after i stop reading science-fiction and just start reading the news. this revival was worth it if only for that scene.
* does anybody really consciously WANT to lie?
* let's bring on the clunky dialogue! you can tell Chris Carter is more of an idea-man than a writer. his writing may not be fluent but his concepts flow like alien wine. there is one thing Chris does love to write: CSM's macro-concept speeches. those speeches are filled with the wonder of a child who just picked up her first Asimov. i need to go surfing with this CC dude, get some cc's in me.
* Mulder: why do we keep having you as the doctor?
female Indian doctor: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Mulder: sorry, i'm trying to act angry.
* Skinner: i'm a clone, aren't i? i mean i don't age at all. hey you see that pattern of blinking flashing lights in Dana's scan? she's saying FIND HIM in morse code.
Mulder: Skinner is a robot confirmed.
Skinner: nah i just like Kanye.
* Skinner: why are you mad at me all of a sudden?
Mulder: Chris really wants me to practice acting angry. a lot. hey have you noticed this show does a lot of its work in hospitals? i see more hospital shots here than i ever did on ER. this is also the show which has tallied the most number of fights, scuffles, and murder-attempts at hospitals.
* Scully: after 11 seasons, i finally believe.
Mulder: that we were never really in love?
Scully: in a red hair-dye that works.
* Chris: you got plastic surgery on your face?
Spender: are you asking Spender or me the actor?
* Spender: the 209? what does that mean, Chris?
Chris: it's a California thing, you wouldn't understand.
* Monica Reyes: i am simply not believable as the bad guy.
CSM: that makes you the perfect bad guy.
* Mulder: either this show would not exist without the sponsorship of Mustang, or we're doing the next Fast & Furious right before your eyes.
* Mulder: where's my father!? i mean where's CSM!?
Syndicate: just missed them. we look just like them, don't we?
Mulder: not really.
* Syndicate: you should have seen CSM in his youth, he was all crazy and shit.
Mulder: he's mellowed in his old age. my father is the luckiest bastard who ever lived.
Syndicate: i mean even the little alien we had our secret cabal with was like, "chill out, CSM dude, that's bad for your blood pressure." the alien had no blood and was more of a pothead.
Mulder: got any of that pot on you right now?
Syndicate: it's legal now. pot has suddenly gotten extremely less-interesting.
* alien: okay, we'll take that crazy judge-lady on Fox News but we want Judge Judy back, we miss our queen.
* Mulder: you want to leave Earth? you want to colonize space? who are you working for!?
Syndicate: okay, you beat it out of us. Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Mulder: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!
Syndicate: okay, okay, Neil is actually Carl Sagan from a different angle. holograms, the universe is all holograms.
* Monica: what would you do on an annihilated Earth with no human life?
CSM: i've always wanted to see what would happen if i injected alien DNA into a T-rex.
* Skinner: what's that smell?
CSM: it's legal now. do you smoke? now?
Monica: this franchise is a stoner's dream.........................still not sure why i'm here...
* Scully: i left Shakespearean theatre in London for this? i had to relearn my American accent? this is like the third time i'm in mortal danger just this episode.
Agent Einstein: it's okay, i'm a bad driver, too. just like you.
Scully: *sigh*
* Einstein: Miller, what are we doing here?
Miller does not speak.
Monica: i know, right?
* Syndicate assassin: i wasn't trying to kill her. i was choking her. i thought she liked it rough.
Mulder scalpels him.
Mulder: you can't say those type of things anymore.
* Mulder: you smell like smoke.
Skinner: it's legal now.
Mulder: you want to have our pissing contest? right here right now in this hospital?
Skinner: wait let me get the bedpans.
* Skinner: wait, YOU fucked Scully!?
CSM: i artificially fucked Scully, there's a difference. talk about a seminal series.
* Mulder: i knew i wasn't the father. i don't do romantic. it's just not in my DNA.
Skinner: you should listen to more Kendrick, Mulder.
* John McClane: boooooo. now we know what William looks like. mystery ruined.
Haley Joel Osment: i see dead people.
John McClane: so?
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