The X-Files "Plus One"

learned:

* not a fat thing

* Chris Carter can write good

* Scully: are the answers in the X Files?
Mulder: the answers are contained in our hearts and souls.
Scully: no i mean all the stuff about aliens and conspiracies and weekly monsters.
Mulder: no they're in the Snowden Files. he's your little brother, right?
Scully: yeah.
Mulder: yeah i see the resemblance.

* crowd-surfer: crowd-surfing is so '90s. perfect for this show.

* Billy: does this mean the Pumpkins are finally back together?
D'arcy: no.

* Arkie: why are you trying to kill me?
doppelganger: i am the true Noah. i only saw that movie cos of Emma Watson.

* Scully: are you okay?
Arkie: yeah i had truck insurance.
Scully: how'd you afford your pot then?
Arkie: haven't you heard? pot is free now.

* lawyer: how did my client hang himself outside of the prison bars?
Mulder: he had you as a lawyer. just kidding. lighten up, man, this is a comedy episode.

* Karin Konoval: i'm an actress. i can play innocent and menacing.
Gillian Anderson: i know, you beat me out for that Ape part. still don't know why they chose you. they could have chosen anyone.

* nurses: yeah we're nurses here but we don't really like to get involved.

* head nurse: hurry up, I gotta do SVU next.

* Karin Konoval: you're hot.
Mulder: you have the look of one of those aging actresses who must have been smoking hot when they were young.

* Little Judy: want me to fling you some Dookie? it's just ice cream or brownie or something.
Scully: A-HA! i solved the case! THAT's why you got the Ape part.
Mulder: weren't you in a couple of the classic episodes of that show? you know that seminal show from the '90s?

* Mulder: so you and Little Chucky Poundstone play Hangman with each other?
Little Judy: to stave off the boredom yes.
Mulder: where's Paula Poundstone?
Little Judy: we don't talk about Little Paula.

* Judy: we play Hangman with each other.
Chucky: it's more like Wheel of Fortune without the Wheel. we don't get out much. like to stay in and watch tv.

* Scully: bread pills? can't i just eat bread?

* Mulder: oh, now i get it. you're both Little Judy and Little Chucky. no wonder you're all fucked up in the head.
Karin Konoval: you need to be fucked up in the head or you'll never win an Emmy.
Mulder: character actors never win an Emmy. i should know. not to call you a hoarder or anything...
Little Chucky: who you calling a whore?

* Judy: you're an old used hag. with a wizened, dried-up vagina.
Scully: i'd do anything to be a battleaxe. being a scientist is so passe. but who am i gonna marry? Mulder?
Judy: i was thinking you and i could fuck. that was how i flirt. that's my opening line.
Scully: that's very kind, but i want children.

* lawyer: i got problems.
Mulder: i know. i mean you own this huge hollowed-out cavernous mansion with no guests, empty all the time save for your unnecessary and gaudy samurai-sword collection. why live alone in such a place? who does that? why be a lawyer if you can't have fun?
lawyer: do you live alone?
Mulder: yes but i own one couch like a normal bachelor.
Scully: it's actually my couch, that's why i'm always over there.

* lawyer: what should i do?
Scully: stay in your mansion.
lawyer: what if my doppelganger is there?
Scully: offer him a drink.

* Scully: i don't believe in ghosts.
Mulder: that hurts me, Scully. i was goth in high school. do you believe in Satan?
Scully: what, cos of the red hair?

* Mulder: S&M, get it?
Scully: spoon me.
Mulder: that sounds so dirty.
Scully: y'know Mulder, sometimes i feel we two are the only ones who can save this insanely corroding world.
Mulder: Scully........i'm an alien.
Scully: oh i love when we role-play. i'll be The Wall.

* lawyer: you got any coffee?
waitress: i bet you say that to all the waitresses.
lawyer: this is a total Twin Peaks rip-off.

* Scully: you're not real. you're simply the Scully who quit the show when it left Vancouver like you were supposed to do.

* Mulder: i'm too old for action scenes. i have a stunt double. and when i'm playing me, that's a double, too.

* Mulder: what a grisly crime scene. how can someone cut off his own head?..................does anyone suddenly feel the urge to play basketball? Scully, i'll meet you for a pick-up game at the Y in ten minutes, let's change together at the motel.

* Mulder: you're not old. you still got scoot in the boot.
Scully: i don't wear cowboy boots.
Mulder: well you did that one time at Kinko's on top of the xerox machine.

* Scully: ATTHS.
Mulder: always wondered, why is that just a Mulder & Scully thing? can't it apply to any fictional ship-tease?

* Scully: *knock knock knock* okay Mulder i knocked three times. i'm coming in. my biological clock is ticking, let's do this.
Mulder: i'm tired.
Scully: i saw you drinking coffee at that café.
Mulder: i'm sorry, Scully. but i'm asexual, remember? this was all decided long ago in the pilot. you must have suspected something when you first met me and i was wearing those glasses.