Archer 1999 "Robert De Niro"

notes:

* great, so i have to see Awakenings now? i don't have time for all these bucket lists in summer!

* Archer: so i'm not allowed to reference To Kill A Mockingbird, right?

* Ray: and now i will preside over this court cos this is MY story!

* Archer: what is that behind you? are you the Sun God Ra or is this Flash Gordon?
Ray: i'm a courtesan! not whatever biracial potluck you're dreaming of now.

* Cheryl: wait, holodeck? OHHHHHHH, now i get it, these last three seasons have been on the holodeck!

* Cheryl: sqaush court...
Pam: oh, i thought you said smash court...

* Archer: kangaroo court...
Cyril: haven't you heard? America's a banana republic now.

* Lana: with a magazine...
Cheryl: in my defense, that was the first issue of Omni, priceless on the black market.

* Malory: what? my character was based off Marlene Dietrich.

* Archer: TV's Michael Gray, pathetic, trying to pawn off a Princess Bride quote as your own, i don't know what Marcia Brady ever saw in you...

* Krieger: why is Barry attacking us?!!
Malory: rent's due. i told you.

* Archer: make that growling sound again, Lana.

* Barry: we're not gay, we're just a tightly-knit group of alien baseball players. from Cuba.

* 50-cent blowjobs, otherwise known as an Old Fashioned

* Barry: what the fuck, stud? you killed all my men!
Cyril: told you i was good at video games.

* Archer: why are you doing this, Barry?
Barry: cos you fucked my girlfriend. in her butthole. if it had been her front we'd be cool.

* this montage at the end here makes me sad, it reminds me of that last Anthony Bourdain montage

* Michael Gray: that's me! i really did own a flower shop in real life!

* Adam Reed: yeah, so we really did think this would be the series finale. one episode for us takes 3 years. the Venture Bros crew leave me prank-texts on my Insta DMs all day long.

* Malory: ARCHER! i'm so glad you're finally woke!
Archer: please, Mother.
Malory: i need a drinking partner DESPERATELY. all my ladies left me!

* Archer: you know, the first criminal stalking in history?
black nurse: wha?
Archer: guess you're not a baseball fan.

* Archer: why is all your stuff here?
Malory: the railroad station marble floors are too cold.
Archer: you have only one hobo suitcase?
Malory: all you really need in life is maraschino cherries.
Archer: please don't tell me we're really not rich. if so i'm going back to coma.

* Archer: where's Lana?
Malory: there's time for all that later.
Adam: not for me, i'm gone from this tire fire. why do i get the sinking feeling that Lana's not gonna be on the show next year...

* Malory: you know, the real love story here this decade of shows is really between you and i, mother and son. like i said at Comic Con, Malory loves Archer desperately, but she doesn't know how to show it.
Archer: Season 11 isn't gonna just be online, right?

* Malory: you have to see me as a person, not as your mother. Burt Reynolds gave you that advice.
Archer: Burt Reynolds is dead.
Malory: for reference, watch the Family Ties episode with me with Elyse and Alex P. Keaton your hero on this exact subject. or any of the Sarah Jane Adventures…
Archer: again, dead. fine, but just don't tell me Little Baby Seamus is ours…

* you know, the greatest thing Archer ever did was completely normalize an interracial relationship. right? when you think of Lana and Archer, the LAST thing you think about is that Lana is black and Archer is white. it's the furthest thing from your mind, admit it.

Archer 1999 "Cubert"

notes:

* well that got disturbing and uncomfortable at the end

* other candidates for this episode's title: "Ghost Cube", "Wake Up, Archer"

* not Elisha Cuthbert

* Pam: you're a buzzkill.
Lana: i can cut peaches on my ass. my buttocks is a buzzsaw.

* Cheryl: ambergris?
Archer: no that's that Bob's Burgers episode.

* a ranch tub was first featured on the Eric Andre Show...man do i want the Eric Andre Show to come back...

* Malory: ranch? oh you mean white cocktail sauce.

* Cyril: so this is the cube from that Filter video for "Welcome To the Fold".
Archer: i give you credit you know that.
Cyril: you can tell Adam Reed has a pen in his hand at all times writing these scripts, there is always much dialogue about pens.
Archer: penis?
Cyril: hey did you see the Rick + Morty Season 4 trailer i was in at Comic-Con this San Diego?
Archer: um, we weren't invited back to Comic Con. it's not looking good for Season 11...

* if the mirror smiles back at you, is it a mirror?...

* Krieger: throw a fork at it...okay it only works with a spork...
Cheryl: i'm done...sorry, delayed reaction.

* Cheryl: i have fillings...in my vagina...(i also have feelings in my vagina)

* Cheryl: *muffled* having my head in here reminds me of that San Francisco sex dungeon i went to...

* Lana: Archer...no ideas with Cheryl when she's in this vulnerable position, okay?

* Malory: ghosts or magnets, what doth life?
Malory: the only ghost is me...

* Archer: that's a pretty neato scanner you got there, it can do everything!
Krieger: thanks Obama Picard.

* Ray: so what was it like in there?
Cheryl: *munching down on some Wild Berry Froot Loops* oh yeah, so we're all in Archer's dream right now...

* Cyril: before we all eat, let us give grace to the Rain Replicant…*dove flies in space*...

* Krieger: i need a shitload of sanitizing wipes......i eat a lot of barbecue chicken...Kansas-City-style...
Pam: DIBS ON RIBS!!!

* Cyril: *dismissive laugh* what's with the gun?
Ray: it's a silver pistol, i'm doing my best Errol Flynn impression.

* Archer: want me to push you into this locker, Cyril?
Cyril: no, i'll take the foothole, high-school trauma is too much to bear again. i couldn't sing when the basketball players came over.
Archer: whoa! you're a space whore, Lana!
Lana: what the? i'm just wearing my office clothes!
Archer: i'm starting to see things.
Lana: i told you, Vanquish, not Vicodin.

* Michael Gray: i'm Tv's Michael Gray.
Archer: what's a tv?
Michael Gray: you know, i'm related to Linda Gray, the famed '80s voiceover artist?
Archer: like Care Bears?
Michael Gray: NOW we're communicating!

* Pam: wait, is the monster dreaming of Fat Coke Pam or is it the other way around?

* Lana: damn dude! i never thought this show would get so violent against women in this time! next time, let's just read the nudie magazine together! oh, and we're definitely getting a divorce!

* Adam Reed: let's slip in a couple of "space phrasing" jokes in this intense section to lighten the mood.
Pam: what's the code!!?
Krieger: my birthday! but i don't have a birthday! i'm a clone!
Cheryl: hey, so you're a Ken doll, right? no probs, just grow two penises...

* Pam: this is so sad. under other circumstances, i'd take that tit grab as a marriage proposal from you, Archer.
Archer: *weird eyes*
Pam: how do you like them apples?
Archer: Adam's apples?

* me: now we know this whole time MALORY was the one in charge!
Malory: HBIC...…...i don't even know what that millennial term means…

* spoiler: George Coe has been alive this whole time...
George Coe: spoiler: Archer was really Robert De Niro this whole time...

Archer 1999 "Space Pirates"

notes:

* two more left. Adam Reed is giving us August so we can have that last gasp of summer at camp before fucking school starts.

* i know this cos they're reviving Bug Juice on Disney Channel...but now it's just a bunch of babies, none of that tween assault and battery and breaking and entering and illegal entry we had in Season 3...

* the D'in: the alien race should have been called the Suppressing Fire

* btw, have you noticed all alien races on space shows on tv all have that apostrophe in their name?

* Malory: the last time i drank beer, Picard ate pizza...

* Archer: after space travel and exploration, you want to go back to your 9-to-5s?
Lana: yeah, they raised the minimum wage to 15.
Krieger: i almost stopped Apollo 11...

* Archer: everyone on 3, SPACE PIRATES!!!
Pam: what do you think this is, space camp?

* Pam: btw, my tits are retractable.
Lana: i wish i had used that excuse when i was a tween.

* Archer: this group of aliens, are they important?
Cyril: for continuity, no, for the country, apparently not. you see all of this is your dream. you are one HEAVY sleeper.
Adam Reed: why did we even bother to name them?
Archer: so we dress up as them and speak their language. remember, NO ENGLISH.
Cyril: imagine the country as a utopia.

* Lana: please, show, don't turn me into a woman whose only purpose in life is to have babies. i'll even go back to angry black woman if i have to...

* this episode brought to you by Glade

* Cyril: hey, no gender-roles-switching on my watch!
Cheryl: Cheryl and Cyril, why didn't they think of this sooner? why don't you want me sexually-harassing you? look at me, i'm hot. is it cos it's the workplace?
Cyril: no, i'm saving myself for Lana. this show hasn't been a workplace since we had an office. remember when we were a spy show?

* Archer: it's okay, Lana, you can take off your shirt, we'll rub them out in editing.

* okay RAY! RAY FINALLY gets his moment to shine!

* Archer: ugh Ray! that's disgusting! you need to get off Instagram!
Ray: what? that's the first black hole ever photographed in the entire universe. i'm serious!

* Malory: you're breaking up...krrghghhghkekrkkr…

* Cyril: i mean, all they had to do was plug the hole in the Death Star, i could have done it myself.
Cheryl: with your junk? you'd at least need the double-dick of that white alien guy from before July 4th.

* Archer: lowercase a. a person who wields arrows…

* Lana: if a wild animal bites your finger, that means it likes you. no i'm serious, it wants to latch onto you...

* Archer: oh great here we go! the waning years of any sitcom, first you add the cousin from out-of-town, then you add the mascot…
Tom: hey, Toonami was saved by my slug mascot!

* Archer: look, i know this a bad situation, we're in the garbage. but these are French aliens, this is actually a giant bidet, how cool is that?
Cyril: THAT's what they're speaking?
Pam: i speak French, everytime i fuck.

* Archer: oh shit, my pet space ocelot brought backup. never has The Circle of Life been so scary.
Lana: i am NOT gonna sing the Lion King chant.

* writers room: um, how are we gonna maintain continuity with this one? one ocelot fine, but...
Adam Reed: i'm thinking hard reset for Season 11...

* we all know Pam's ex is Robert De Niro...

Archer 1999 "Road Trip"

notes:

* ROAD TRIP!!!

* i'm assuming this will be better than the movie...i never saw the movie...watching the Trapt music video for "Echo" is enough...that was Trapt's best song BY FAR

* spoilers: it is. takes awhile to warm up but it is

* Lana: i'm not angry, you're just dumb.
Archer: maraschino cherries?
Lana: nope. just the McDonald's cherries they put on those nutty sundaes.

* after the crash:
Archer: saved the lemon.
Lana: is that a swipe at my puckered asshole?

* Krieger: good news everyone!...Season 11!

* Krieger: eventually...
Lana: everything's eventually...

* Pam: you're a dick!
Archer: no you're a dick. like, you're a big dick, right?
Pam: no i'm a rock-monster thingee!

* Archer: what's your number?
Lana: my number?
Archer: your sleep number. measuring out our honeymoon suite.

* Ray: want me to freshen up your sour?
Malory: yes, please, dear, you're the sweetest. what flavor is this?
Ray: cake-flavored.

* Cyril: hey, at least i'm not as useless as Ray!

* you know one of the animators was figuring out Archer's hair with the mix-n-match palette and the model came back without hair and Adam Reed's like, "fuck it, i can't choose, just leave him bald..."

* Lana: well well well, we now know the cause of all of Archer's angsty assholery all these years: he's had lice in his hair this whole time!

* Archer: oh no. okay cancel the show then. we are NOT entertaining Beta Archer any longer!
rest of the world (and universe): we want the Beta Archer series! we want to learn poetry!

* Cyril: this is insane. this is impossible. this is illogical.
Krieger: put away your Vulcan ears. it's the multiverse.
Adam Reed: over my dead body will Joss Whedon ever touch this my creation!

* Cyril: hey this is like that Star Trek Final Earth Wars episode...
Archer: the 4400...always such an odd number...
Cyril: the Ood...oh, NOW i get it!

* Krieger: that was more gory than Attack on Titan!
Archer: you knew about the Nazi labor camp next door when you were working in your lab, right, Krieger?
Krieger: no! i swear! i was too self-absorbed to ever look up!
Archer: i believe him.

* Archer: i'm not only the president, i'm also a member.
Pam: member *chuckles*
Lana: this show of all shows, PLEASE don't turn me into the angry black woman!
Cheryl: so i'm gonna fuck my own doppelganger. anyone else? want to watch or join in?
Pam: missed opportunity: i could have seen how my Pam doppelganger looked this season without the rock monster!

* blue dinosaur: yes it's me! from the '80s cartoon you watched! remember? you bought my toy. you flushed my spiked horned helmet down the toilet...mom got so mad…

* The Culling: Wes Cullen, if you're out there, i love you, boy, i still think you can be the next Leo DiCaprio...

* Cheryl: The Culling...also known as the USWNT pee test...

* okay that was novel and cool. using the ship's rocket-fuel-launcher fire blasts to singe and incinerate the poor dinosaur's head off...

* Malory: we're gonna do business with the insurance company the Trump way...

* Archer: wait, that was a CLONE!!? that means Beta Archer is ME!!!
Lana: you have a soft spot, you're just acting in front of the camera. i'm not an idiot, that's why i married you.
Archer: what did you do with our wedding photo album? i need to confirm.
Lana: who keeps photo albums anymore?

Archer 1999 "Mr. Deadly Goes to Town"

notes:

* okay, at first i thought the title was all wrong, should have been comes to play-on-words with cum or something and all the past 1930s film references, the ones starring Gregory Peck, but THEN i got it: see it takes me awhile to get things. now this is actually one of the most brilliant titles ever.

* Archer: you know i hate black holes! they make me think of Mother's vulva!
Archer: pencil-pusher! *throws pencil at Cyril*
Cyril: hey.

* Lana: IMMINENT DEATH sign...
Malory: relax, it's just one of those universal eternal-gravitation machines you see on the desks of all the heads of Fortune 500 companies, all of the Mad Men i slept with...i remember the florid smell of all their couches...

* Lana: don't do that! don't keep hitting the death-dust snowmen to make snow angels!
Krieger: i'm choking on my own death dust! this is the death-dust of my own clone! what a surreal experience!

* Mr. Deadly: i look like Pinhead without the pins...but i'm a walking pin in a grenade…

* Mr. Deadly: think of me as Deidara...in space.
Pam: you're not fooling anyone, dude, you can't reanimate a dead corpse.

* Adam Reed: turns out, not only didn't i write all the episodes this season, i wrote LESS THAN half of them! i really was like my character Ray this season: i just said fuck you to all the work and i'm eating my cake in my room! ALL the cake!

* Pam: Circuit Dick...
Krieger starts to cry.
Pam: sorry, dude.
Krieger: you just made me think of Circuit City…

* Mr. Deadly: i got bored...
Archer: that's the cause of all the misery in the world...and universe.

* Mr. Deadly: my destiny is to die.
Lana: that's the destiny of everyone.
Cheryl: is anyone else turned on right now?
Ray: wanna borrow my geisha fan?

* Archer: SPAGHETTIFICATION!!! what is it?
Pam: that's when you visit the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Archer: huh, um...…...actually, Pam, that is kinda technically correct.
Archer: TIME DILATION!!!
Pam: relax, dude, i'm not pregnant by you.

* Pam: i just like to eat spaghetti. it's a Jimmy Buffett thing.

* Malory: do androids dreams of electric sheep?
Krieger: only when they're plugged in i mean i'm plugged in.
Malory: what the hell have you been doing all this time in your secret lab??!
Krieger: trying to make Tang taste better. it's a lost cause.

* Krieger: okay, audience, here is the tennis ball i made which will feature as the deus-ex-machina bloody fish thing, i dunno, i fell asleep when they were discussing Hitchcock at Berkeley…

* Archer: if i'm such a loser, why'd you marry me?
Lana: i'm actually secretly in love with your mother. Malory's debasement of my race, ethnicity, and gender really turn me on. it's an ancient primal feeling i can't explain to you.

* Mr. Deadly: the ice cream's good, but do you have it in unicorn flavor? that butterfly had such a salty mouth cos it almost drowned at sea.
space pirates: they fact that we're gay make us MORE manly.

* space pirates: is this a kimono?
Ray: YAAAAAYYYY i'm finally gonna get a plot!

* Mr. Deadly: fine, let's do this. why are you holding up the peace sign? i told you i'm bad with gestures.
Cheryl: no, two cocks.

* Mr. Deadly: so you want to discuss our feelings now?
Cheryl: no, i fuck like a man. let me sleep now, supervisor!
Mr. Deadly: sorry about all the cum, i've been backed-up for like billions of years and it all just came out in one sitting.
Cheryl: tis my frothy morning vanilla shake.

* Mr. Deadly: what's your name?
Cheryl: i'm that mom in those shampoo commercials who butts into all of her neighbors' business. and especially her own daughter's business.

* Mr. Deadly: i can't believe you sacrificed your life to save mine. not all of humanity belongs in the space dump.
Lana: thank you but i kinda hoped Archer would have saved me after i jumped in front of you. oh well *sigh*

* Krieger: quick, Archer, throw the tennis ball!
Archer: i don't play anymore after the whole O.J. thing.
Malory: i'm cancelling your club membership, Sterling.

* Archer: we didn't cause that explosion and the loss of an entire civilization, right?
Krieger: actually, we were all on that space station that just exploded...
Cheryl: YAY the Fourth of July Fireworks came early!!!

Archer 1999 "Dining With The Zarglorp"

notes:

* okay Jillian Bell is cool and all, but THAT was Kate Winslet!

* imagine if that really was Kate Winslet providing the voice!

* Adam Reed: why didn't i have guest writers starting in Season 1!!? coulda made my life a WHOLE lot easier

* don't talk to me about the numbers, the numbers are going the wrong way...but then again, it doesn't really matter anymore, right?

* if The AV Club is willing to stick their necks out for this franchise they love more than their mothers and give this episode a C---a C!!!---you KNOW something went terribly wrong here.

* without reading the review, i'm thinking it goes something like this: guest writer tries to copy Adam Reed, it goes unsuccessfully...

* Cheryl: never write your own lyrics to songs. you can interpret the lyrics any way you want, but they must be the actual lyrics. also, if you use a reference, it HAS to be one you got from Wikipedia...

* Krieger: the space monster was here first...

* Cheryl: i left my purse in there! the one that made me Goth Carol!
Pam: when were you Goth Carol?
Cheryl: member? it was, like, way back in Season 2 or something.
Pam: right. when the show was still good and i wasn't a freak.

* Malory: i mean why don't i just fly away and never come back? why exactly do i keep staying with this crew?
Archer: cos you love me.
Malory: is there a drink in my hand?
Archer: no.
Malory: dammit!
Archer: anything can be a mixer...even my own mother's menstrual blood.
Adam Reed: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we're canceled.

* Ray: i'm just gonna eat the cake, i don't care anymore, dammit!
Adam: pssst, Ray, come over here. *hushed tones* the cake is a lie...

* Captain Glenda Price: i am Glenda The Good Witch.
Lana: emphasis on witch.

* crew and Pam: you smell like a diaper's coffin.
Price: funny you should say that...
Pam: you're wearing a diaper right now?
Cheryl: i'm coming right over...
Price: my crewmember's diaper actually...in tribute...

* Lana: you're gonna die alone.
Archer: harsh.
Lana: cos you're gonna shoot me dead accidentally one day.

* Lana: don't bomb the Zarglorp like it's Iran.
Archer: too soon...actually, too negative-soon.
Pam: i feel sorry for the big guy in space, he has a tumor, he's dying of cancer anyway.
Archer: so......does that mean we die with it in cancer? or we can escape after he's died of cancer?

* Price: the program lisitng for this episode said i was a life coach.
Cyril: yeah, that didn't really pan out.
Price: what's your life like?
Cyril: in every cartoon i always play the put-upon beta male. but i get rich doing it, so
Price: would you like to kill yourself today?
Cyril: today?

* Krieger: yes, i murdered my own son. but i saved my friends to do it.
Adam: i begged the studio to hold off on this episode till after Father's Day.
Krieger Head: I was the master, YOU'RE the clone! you idiot! you can't replicate me anymore! the dream of The Army of Electric Blood is over!

* Cheryl: pros and cons......all pro athletes are cons...

* Price: what kind of streets do you like?
Cyril: is this for my porn name or...?
Price: no, for the slipknot. something about Disney animals frolicking in the forest. looky here! looks like we got a traitor on our hands onboard! a gorilla in our midsts!
Ray: hey. okay okay i promise to drink the real nonrehydrated milk the next time! it's just i like the powder cos it reminds me of cocaine.
Pam: *cries*

* Price: so, i'm a fraud. all those heroic tales i tell myself are to distract my subconscious from the shattering realization that I was the monster all along, not the Zarglorp. they are like what good-looking was to Ted Bundy.
Archer: it's okay, it's not your fault, you were suffering from space-madness, anybody else would have done the same...………………….can you imagine Dahmer in space?

* Price: i'm currently dead. any chance of the character making a reappearance?
Adam: Kate Winslet's schedule is booked till the Tokyo Olympics.

* Lana: you didn't post her last, dying-wish video? you're an asshole, Archer.
Archer: hey i DID post the video on youtube. it's an unlisted video but it's there.

 * Cheryl/Carol: blink.....wait for long pause...fade to black credits…

Archer 1999 "The Leftovers"

notes:

* is this the first Archer episode NOT written by Adam? he did a good job, it was either a very-good imitation of Adam's writing or he did a good job all on his own, it's hard to tell

* Archer: haven't you ever wanted to fly using a jetpack when you were a little boy, Lana?
Lana: no. and that only works in the sky, not in the space sky.

* Cyril: there! there!
Archer: we can't see where you're pointing, dumbass!
Cyril: sure you can, aren't we all watching the same show?

* Archer: WAKE UP, PAM!!!
Pam: no, WAKE UP, ARCHER!!! can we PLEASE get back to the spying now?

* Archer: for sandwiches.

* Archer: why should i change now? i've been going hard and strong for 10 seasons!
Malory: have you seen the ratings? have you seen facebook? everyone hates us now, we aren't funny anymore, people have gotten sick of us.
guest writer: just to be clear, that is all ADAM's fault, i had nothing to do with the writing.

* Archer: i'm naming him Benedict.
Cheryl: cos he's cute like Cumberbatch, right? you want to eat him...or his eggs anyway. whole batch of eggs...i'll turn out to be the Arnold traitor in the end...

* Cyril: call me a party-pooper if you must but, like, you're eating this thing's babies, that's why it's so mad and feral and disgusting, think about it the next time you eat eggs, you're hurting that poor chicken's feelings.

* Krieger: *takes the pile of eggs* i'll FINALLY know what it's like to be a woman...

* Malory: why are you eating all the eggs?
Pam: facebook wants Cocaine Pam back.

* Lana: so you're just formaldehyde?
Malory: look at me. i'm a gilf, right? i'm still hot? i'm hot for my age?
Archer: definitely.
Malory: i haven't eaten anything since i did Follies on Broadway in 1934.
Archer: that's a long time ago cos this is 1999.

* Cyril: Jimmy Buffet's music is good.
Archer: no it is not! it never has been! it's just everybody listens to Jimmy Buffet music while they're drunk!

* Archer: you slept with Cyril?
Lana: yes.
Archer: did he keep his glasses on?

* Lana: we aren't funny anymore so we might as well attract viewers the old-fashioned way: with cartoon porn that is anything but old-fashioned.
guest writer: again, not my fault, i'm new here.

* Cheryl: i want to get eaten...not like that.
Krieger: seriously, what is wrong with you?
Cheryl: nothing. i just want to see the world burn.
Krieger: there won't be an Earth there when we get back home, huh?
Cheryl: you're welcome.

* Archer: it writes itself. "George Train Ran A Train Cos He Was Embarrassed Of His Middle Name Francis", there's your song title.
Ray: nothing writes itself! you know how long it took Lin-Manuel to write Hamilton?
Archer: there's no way that guy wrote that. you take one look at him and you know something stinks. William Shakespeare wrote Hamilton.

* Archer: i can't no more.
Lana: i said i wanted to jump your bones.
Archer: yeah but not literally! my ejaculate is literally dust! i am literally a skeleton! i can't conceive a child anymore! i thought this wasn't possible but you've oversexed me!
Lana: *crying* i'm thinking of Little Baby Seamus. he's still out there somewhere floating in space?
Archer: *crying* yep. and he ain't so little...

* Archer: WHY'D YOU KILL BENEDICT!!?
Cheryl: you said that musical sucked! stop yelling at me, you're not my supervisor!
Lana: Cheryl, you know that isn't your mucus, right? that's rubber cement.
Pam: you can't cook with rubber cement.
Cheryl: *stirring* give it a few minutes, the reduction will be ready in a moment.

* Pam: Patton eat my nuts!
Cyril: your nuts are bigger than mine.
Pam: i have a cloaca, it's just you can't see it cos it's a stone cloaca.
Archer: the best George S was Clinton, she had the stones to be prez.

* Archer: which minor character exploded just now?
Lana: Archer.
Archer: ouch. i'd rather be dead than a beta.

Archer 1999 "Happy Borthday"

notes:

* Bort: wouldn't it have been less confusing to name it Bortday? my name is Bort, not Borth. i do like broth tho. broth with bones in it. i'd just like to take this time to give a shout-out to all the veterans, D Day stemmed the tide and made it possible for the Earth to eventually conquer my planet. and believe me, my planet deserved it.

* that's a real date but not a real time...

* Pam: like if i had to be a creature, why not those cute Star Wars crystal ewoks or something?

* EMP=electrodance moshing party!

* Barry 6: i have a huge range of many emotions, it's just i was born with the wrong face...

* Archer: holy shitsnacks! IT'S ROBOT CHICKEN!!!
Seth Green: i don't want to talk about recent events.
Archer: Jesus Hannibal Christ.
Barry: wait, Jesus's middle name is Hannibal? that explains so much.
Archer: yeah, the whole Eat the Body of Me thing.

* Barry: wait, who has the nuclear football now?
Archer: someone who never played football...

* Archer: so i have an Oedipus complicated thing with my mom or something, so don't mind all the cum everywhere as i watch this fight.
Malory: quick, Sterling, use the cum to lube your wrists out of the cuffs!

* Archer: why'd you do it, Mother!!?
Malory: you've been peacocking in front of me your whole life, Sterling, it's mama's turn!!!

* Pam: my boner smells. but it makes sense, right? cos it's all about going to the bathroom...

* Barry: lose the armor, too, ladies, let's keep this GOT-realistic, gotta fill the void now.

* Krieger: wow, robot cum tastes like milk! did Philip K. Dick know about this? come to think of it, i look EXACTLY like Philip K. Dick!
Archer: Krieger, eat a bag of a buffet of dicks.
Krieger: yep yep yep. in fact i just may BE Philip K. Dick! who's the clone and who's the master here!!!?

* Barry: weenie roast.
Archer: remember the KROQ Weenie Roast in Los Angeles in the '80s? good times, good times, simpler times, nostalgic times.
Barry: you were alive then?
Archer: sure, i auditioned for Filmation He-Man and got a callback. one callback.
Malory: WAKE UP, ARCHER, YOU'RE DREAMING!!!

* Archer: so, do you teabag?
green alien babe: yes. but you can only do it once.
Archer: congratulations on the Asian representation on tv.
green alien babe: what, just cos i'm green you think i make green tea?

* Archer: it's all in the delivery.
Barry: thanks Jeff Bezos.
Archer: can't blame Jeff Bezos for everything.

* Ray: i better not just be eating cake this season. now i know how it feels to be a female character on any tv show.

* Malory: a mudslide with tits.
Pam: *after crying* wait, is that like a cocktail or something?

* Bort: why do i feel like Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons in the '80s?

* Barry's subordinate: joke's on you, boss, i can't die.

* Archer: cereal brings people together. worked for the Alien crew after that one dude lost a stomach.
silence
Archer: my mother touched my cock!
stunned silence
Pam: this is like that stunned silence Ricky Gervais elicited when he talked about rape in The Office.

* Pam: you know how at the end of every one of our episodes, there's this strange long pause of, like, 15 seconds? what is that?

* Durant: it's over. sorry, guys.

Archer 1999 "Bort the Garj"

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Doctor Who "Resolution"

notes:

* Chibnall: SEE I TOLD YOU!!! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!! I'M A GENIUS!!! i done sumpin Steve and that other gay writer who came before never dreamt of, the first Doctor Who New Year's Special. those other blokes were wringing their hands trying to force-fit their brilliant Doctor Who story into a craven Christmas theme and it never worked out cos this show is too dark for all that. now i'm free of that bird box.
Yas: well you did have to include a lot of New Year's stuff like the fireworks...
Chibnall: yeah but that's cos this is new, next year's will just be a straight story.
RTD: not cool, man.
Chibnall: plus i get to have my explosions in a holiday special! you can't have death and destruction at Christmastime!

* narrator: a long time ago...in a galaxy far far away...not a tv ad for Trivago island vacations...
Graham: hey you that annoying Hunter x Hunter narrator bloke everyone hates, get outta here!

* narrator: during the Braveheart years, before everyone knew Mel was a hot mess in the head, the only problems Earth had to deal with was a tiny little Krang too big for his metal britches. this Dalek cried all the time cos his only casing was Pampers diapers. Conan the Barbarian did his part, Aquaman of course did his part, but tiny little Robin Hood was a little too cocky for his britches which were put on too tight by Maid Marian after lovemaking cos she claimed he put on her chastity belt too tight on her, and Robin was felled by his own arrow.

* highway robbers: that's it? you ain't got no gold? are you sure we nabbed the real Robin Hood?
Robin Hood: hi guys, this arrow in me really hurts but i'm trying to act tough to counter my image. i'm Robin Hood but i'm Bryan Adams.
highway robbers: that's the worst Robin Hood! where's the gold?
Bryan Adams: well i punched it into dust to counter my image and i hear it's good as a powder for my acne.

* Lin: before we start, i'm definitely more famous than you in the British soap world or something, i can just tell.
Mitch: …
Lin: your name can't be Mitch, it must be short for a long unpronounceable Indian name.
Mitch: you're incredibly attracted to me simply becauise i'm Indian, right?
Lin: yes. as you can see i'm a boring white girl from the trackie flats, i need dark and swarthy to excite me.
Mitch: so that kiss we had...
Lin: i mean you told me you had something caught in your teeth and wanted me to get it out of your mouth with my tongue cos you said i had a weird smile, completely platonic and scientific. i dunno…
Mitch: think about it. i'm taking off my lab coat now...
Lin: don't, this area is hazardous.
Mitch: no, for the sex. we can only do it here cos i live in the streets. i'm a college student.
Lin: i've never done it with a real college student. i'm a dinosaur fan ever since Barney with no degree, still gotta take the SATs. i live with my mum.
Mitch: i'm an amateur paleontologist, i study the oldness of when Dctor Who was good in the '70s...

* Ryan: oh wow, look at these fireworks!
The Doctor: solar fireworks, space fireworks. everytime you see an explosion light up the barren black of space sky, another centuries-old civilization is gone forever from the outer rim.
Graham: hey Doc, wanna pull my Christmas cracker?...
Yas: where to next, Doctor?
Doctor: Sheffield.
Graham: fuck Sheffield.

* Doctor: word of warning, the TARDIS doesn't do well when we're just traveling in and around Sheffield.
Graham: as the bus driver, i was proud to make the Sheffield streets clogged for generations to come.
Mitch: i'm the romantic in this pairing, you're the Scully.
Lin: you're making me go spare.
Mitch: so you fancy me Prince Harry?
Lin: remove that Hamlet skull form your clutches, you're no actor.
Mitch: holy fuck it's the TARDIS! what up, guys?!!
Doctor: take me to your leader.
Mitch: Lin is my queen.
Doctor: fast learner this one.

* Lin: what are you? you're like, a small harmless Kraken? a Krang?
Dalek: hey, i was slumbering for a billion years when this arrow woke me up. the arrow was my only sexual companion for eons, you know how humiliating that is? i'm a man! i'm a warmonger!
Bryan Adams: right? it's hard to cultivate an image when the public already sees you one way as one thing.
Doctor: hey Dalek, wanna trade vibrators? there's a path to peace. ew, what's with all this goo on my fingers?
Graham: one night with the Doctor in her new form...

* Doctor: good news, we're home. bad news, we're gonna have to land the TARDIS inside your flat. your flat will be destroyed.
Ryan: that's okay, my dad will always buy me another flat.
Doctor: is that the intruder-alert signal?
Graham: the doorbell, love? yeah i suppose it is. it's a Ring Doorbell that allows you to see who the porch pirate is.
Ryan: DAD, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!! *goes to hug his dad*
Graham: wrong number.
Ryan's dad Aaron: yeah it really was a wrong number, lad. i was selling here by mistake. had no idea you lived here.

* Ryan: dad hug me! i can't properly hug cos of my hand.
Aaron: too much masturbation, son?

* Yas: it's complicated.
Doctor: fathers are. i never had a father, i just sort of appeared from thin air one day. now that i'm a girl who am i gonna marry if i don't have a father for my boyfriend to copy?
Yas: you can tell me anything. did your father hurt you?
Doctor: what are you supposed to do when God makes fun of you?

* Ryan: so does anyone know a quiet coffee shop where we can catch up?
Yas: there's a Dave & Buster's around the corner but the Jurassic Park VR interactive video-game game is gone.
Aaron: i once sold a T Rex a pair of those Steven Universe limb enchancers…

* Lin's mom: pet, you want tea? i'm afraid it's only gonna be tea this time, not food.
Lin: it's okay mom, don't bother me in the bathroom, i'm pregnant.
Dalek: i've surrounded your whole body.
Lin: i swear if you unhook my bra i'll punch you in the nose with my screaming fist.
Dalek: i don't have a nose. Doctor Who Nose.

* Doctor: Ryan's dad, you were a bitch at the funeral. for no-showing.
Aaron: what the fuck. why are you so cutthroat without any of the human social lubricants for easing faults to be polite?
Dalek to Lin: resistance is futile!
Doctor: yeah, the Dalek got me inspired, apparently i'm sill learning to be human, i'm like Data with the social foibles and no finesse.

* Lin: it's very hard to drive this way.
Dalek: with me inside your vagina?
Lin: no, i'm driving on the wrong side of the road.
police bobby: love, you know how fast you were driving?
Lin: but it's an F1 race course.
police bobby: unless you're a walk-on girl i'm gonna have to write you up.
Lin: they discontinued that sexist practice in darts a month ago!
bobby's partner: bloody hell, my partner's feet are up getting swallowed by another driver's-seat window again, he just can't keep his grubby fingers off the female rulebreakers!
Lin: i tried to kill the man and have you the female the hero but the Dalek wanted none of that, sorry.
female bobby: it's okay, i still have my heroin. where's a brave cop when you need it? where's Yas?

* Ryan: don't mess this up for me, dad, this will be the finest acting i ever do...possibly ever, who knows if i'll get more scripts after this dismal gig.
Chibnall: FINALLY! no more stupid space timey-wimey stuff, straight Broadchurch drama, my cup of tea!
Aaron: is this how you talk to your dad?
Ryan: you punched me in the hand and gave me dyspraxia.
Aaron: i know, son, but that's the drugs talking. not me. i'm a con man. but what's the best part of that word?: man. i'm a man! who roots for Man! i sold ice to an eskimo. wanna buy a microwave that pops popcorn?
Ryan: dad, no one eats microwave popcorn anymore! everyone goes to the theatre for popcorn, everyone knows that! great! your acting supplanted mine!
Aaron: well of course it did, son, don't you recognize me? i'm Idris Fucking Elba!

* Mitch: it's a running joke between us, she always keeps her phone on, she's an instareplyer.
Yas: so you're saying your new girlfriend is desperate?
Mitch: my girlfriend can't run...
Doctor: i dunno, isn't it better to be that than somone who never answers texts?
Graham: yeah Doc, you've never answered any of my risky texts to you.

* Aaron: what's with this brown cardboard box?
Graham: my attempt at the Bird Box Challenge. look at all these crayon drawings from the '80s.
Aaron: i drew these as a kid?
Graham: no i crayoned all these now. in 2019.
Aaron: but they look like some kid drew them.

* Graham: in English, Doc. i mean in British.
Doctor: psychopathic squishy alien, not cute. let me get help.
operator: hello, this is Janine Melnitz, how may i direct your call?
Doctor: Numbnuts? why is your voice so nasally, is it the connection?
Janine: this is my actual voice, this is how all New Yawk women speak. we all chew gum while we're on the phone, too. can't help you, there's a government shutdown due to Brexit.
me, Phoenix: even as a lowly American bloke i could sense the heavy enormity and force of this joke.
Doctor: hey, we British made fun of Trump in the last one, so...

* Doctor: so...i'm afraid...Brexit…
Graham: but Brexit is impossible.
Doctor: *eyes light up* wait! Brexit is The Impossible Child!
Graham: yeah! the child who can never get its way!

* Dalek Lin: *in vocoder voice* i am a better blacksmith than the Doctor! i don't make vibrators!
blacksmith: oi mate, what are you...
Dalek Lin: Dalek...
blacksmith: there's no Daylight Savings Time in Brexit Britain! why did you kill me!?
Dalek Lin: my scan says you look like Ben Roethlisberger. don't ever do that to a man in practice, what you told Antonio Brown to do was humiliating and cost the Steelers the season. can't you show up people with just your big head? and therefore never send to know for whom the Le'Veon Bell tolls, it tolls for thee.  

* Doctor: *does a spin* check me out. you still don't know who i am?
Dalek: scanning......two vaginas...
Doctor: oi mate i am a feminist for sure!

* Dalek: what is this? what have you done to me?
Doctor: it's just a hologram.
Dalek: oh, okay, i thought i was dead. cos when i think of holograms i think of Tupac.

* Dalek: your puny weapons can't injure me! i got the nuclear football!
army: quick! call President Trump! he'll save the world!
Dalek: the code is binary, Trump's only into threesomes. now hold still while i give each of you nice soldiers your X-ray...we've got to see what's wrong with you...

* Doctor: i know your weakness, we used to be friends, remember?
Dalek: …
Doctor: you took me out on a date once on Skaro.
Dalek: okay i confess! i can't resist microwave popcorn!
Doctor: do it, Ryan's dad! save the day!
Dalek: i'm melting! melting without water!
Dalek: i confess! i took the Doctor to go see The Terminator, that's where i learned all my gun-holding moves from!

* Ryan: dad, don't make me say i love you.
Aaron: you just did. i am the best con.
Ryan: hey, pretty good with my dyspraxic hand, you reckon?
Doctor: oh yeah, Ryan, i forgot you had that. your dad is still a putz tho. i got skid marks, the good skid, the sliding kind. my New Year's Resolution is to have more Doctor Who in 2019...

* Ryan: don't worry, pops, the Fam will take good care of me.
Aaron: i have no son, i'm a con man, onto the next. thank u, next. hello, pretty lady, would you like for me to sell you on how to become a man again?
Doctor: uh, no thanks.
Aaron: i'm gonna join UNIT cos i have the biggest unit.
Lin: i was gonna date you but this is Idris Fucking Elba, you know? i'm a white girl.
Mitch: i get it. so, Fam, room in that TARDIS for one more?
Yas: well yes, technically, spatially dimension-wise, but there simply cannot dramatically be a Fourth Companion, right, Chibnall?
Chibnall gives Yas the middle finger.

* Chibnall: what!? where are my ratings for this they should be through the roof! it was a riproaring adventure, it's the best thing i've ever written, i used a Dalek to ENSURE success!
Doctor: yeah this New Year's thing is weird, it's like the stations take THIS WHOLE WEEK off as vacation, everything starts back again Jan 7. everyone is still on vacation, not watching tv, no ratings registered...