Archer 1999 "Dining With The Zarglorp"

notes:

* okay Jillian Bell is cool and all, but THAT was Kate Winslet!

* imagine if that really was Kate Winslet providing the voice!

* Adam Reed: why didn't i have guest writers starting in Season 1!!? coulda made my life a WHOLE lot easier

* don't talk to me about the numbers, the numbers are going the wrong way...but then again, it doesn't really matter anymore, right?

* if The AV Club is willing to stick their necks out for this franchise they love more than their mothers and give this episode a C---a C!!!---you KNOW something went terribly wrong here.

* without reading the review, i'm thinking it goes something like this: guest writer tries to copy Adam Reed, it goes unsuccessfully...

* Cheryl: never write your own lyrics to songs. you can interpret the lyrics any way you want, but they must be the actual lyrics. also, if you use a reference, it HAS to be one you got from Wikipedia...

* Krieger: the space monster was here first...

* Cheryl: i left my purse in there! the one that made me Goth Carol!
Pam: when were you Goth Carol?
Cheryl: member? it was, like, way back in Season 2 or something.
Pam: right. when the show was still good and i wasn't a freak.

* Malory: i mean why don't i just fly away and never come back? why exactly do i keep staying with this crew?
Archer: cos you love me.
Malory: is there a drink in my hand?
Archer: no.
Malory: dammit!
Archer: anything can be a mixer...even my own mother's menstrual blood.
Adam Reed: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanddddddd we're canceled.

* Ray: i'm just gonna eat the cake, i don't care anymore, dammit!
Adam: pssst, Ray, come over here. *hushed tones* the cake is a lie...

* Captain Glenda Price: i am Glenda The Good Witch.
Lana: emphasis on witch.

* crew and Pam: you smell like a diaper's coffin.
Price: funny you should say that...
Pam: you're wearing a diaper right now?
Cheryl: i'm coming right over...
Price: my crewmember's diaper actually...in tribute...

* Lana: you're gonna die alone.
Archer: harsh.
Lana: cos you're gonna shoot me dead accidentally one day.

* Lana: don't bomb the Zarglorp like it's Iran.
Archer: too soon...actually, too negative-soon.
Pam: i feel sorry for the big guy in space, he has a tumor, he's dying of cancer anyway.
Archer: so......does that mean we die with it in cancer? or we can escape after he's died of cancer?

* Price: the program lisitng for this episode said i was a life coach.
Cyril: yeah, that didn't really pan out.
Price: what's your life like?
Cyril: in every cartoon i always play the put-upon beta male. but i get rich doing it, so
Price: would you like to kill yourself today?
Cyril: today?

* Krieger: yes, i murdered my own son. but i saved my friends to do it.
Adam: i begged the studio to hold off on this episode till after Father's Day.
Krieger Head: I was the master, YOU'RE the clone! you idiot! you can't replicate me anymore! the dream of The Army of Electric Blood is over!

* Cheryl: pros and cons......all pro athletes are cons...

* Price: what kind of streets do you like?
Cyril: is this for my porn name or...?
Price: no, for the slipknot. something about Disney animals frolicking in the forest. looky here! looks like we got a traitor on our hands onboard! a gorilla in our midsts!
Ray: hey. okay okay i promise to drink the real nonrehydrated milk the next time! it's just i like the powder cos it reminds me of cocaine.
Pam: *cries*

* Price: so, i'm a fraud. all those heroic tales i tell myself are to distract my subconscious from the shattering realization that I was the monster all along, not the Zarglorp. they are like what good-looking was to Ted Bundy.
Archer: it's okay, it's not your fault, you were suffering from space-madness, anybody else would have done the same...………………….can you imagine Dahmer in space?

* Price: i'm currently dead. any chance of the character making a reappearance?
Adam: Kate Winslet's schedule is booked till the Tokyo Olympics.

* Lana: you didn't post her last, dying-wish video? you're an asshole, Archer.
Archer: hey i DID post the video on youtube. it's an unlisted video but it's there.

 * Cheryl/Carol: blink.....wait for long pause...fade to black credits…