Doctor Who "Heaven Sent" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Moffat ya small lug, i love you.

* and you thought "Face the Raven" was moody and atmospheric.

* this would be heaven for me, not hell. i'm a loner. i like medieval castles.

* the Doctor: who are you?
Veil: i could ask you the same thing.
the Doctor: i like you. even though i'm scared of you. i never knew i could get scared. i'm scared of death.
Veil: that's the half-human in you talking.

* the Doctor: so you're the Valeyard, right? it's in the name.
Veil: no, my name is Jami Reid-Quarrell. but yes i do a bit of antiquing on weekends.

* the Doctor: have you ever heard of a pocket universe?
Veil: no, but right now you're in a pocketwatch.

* the Doctor: i'm gonna jump out this window. bet you didn't see that coming.
Veil: actually i did. this is the billionth time you've said that line. there are so many of your skulls down there they've soaked up the entire ocean.

* the Doctor: oh, a fireplace, how warm of you. reminds me of my picnics on the surface of the sun. so what do i do? just throw my wet clothes in the fireplace to burn and do the rest of the episode naked?

* the Doctor: okay, i see the reference, call a spade a spade, got it.
Veil: dig your own grave, Doctor. *evil laugh*
the Doctor: wait, what? i have to actually do manual labor? i thought we were gonna play cards.

* Veil: why did you leave Gallifrey in the first place?
the Doctor: i was scared of getting bored.

* the Doctor: Clara, i need your help inside my TARDIS brain........please don't turn around...............okay, i admit it, you do have a nice ass.

* the Doctor: i have one hour to do everything before it all resets again. this episode is an hour so i'm just gonna sit back and see how it ends.

* the Doctor: i'm not scared of Hell, Hell is just Heaven for bad people..............although Hitler is a dick, so. btw, this pea soup tastes like shit, can i speak to the chef?

* Clara: Doctor, get off your ass and fucking win!!!
the Doctor: all i heard was ass.

* the Doctor: ah, bird, The Story of Mankind.
Veil: that book is racist towards aliens.
the Doctor: i hear ya, brotha.

* the Doctor finally breaks the azbantium.
Veil: dammit! the guy said cubic zirconia was the same thing!

* the Doctor: little boy, go tell the others, i came the long way round.
little boy: i'm telling my mommy.
the Doctor: is your mom hot? it's been ever so long...

Mike Tyson Mysteries "Last Night on Charlie Rose" Episode Discussion

learned:

* the only way this could have been better is if the interviewee was Spalding Gray.

* Marquess (who's a ghost): so did everyone remember my birthday?
Pigeon: maybe it's more appropriate to celebrate your deathday.

* Mike: don't birds have small brains?
Pigeon: don't boxers who've been hit one too many times have the same?

* taxidriver: yeah i hate all these highfalutin celebrities who think they own the tittybars in New York. invite me in once, y'know? all these illuminati who only have a show cos of their name. who did you say you were again?
Mike: Charlie Rose, we're going to Charlie Rose.
taxidriver: Charlie Rose is the worst offender!

* guest wrangler: Popovich went into the black backdrop of the Charlie Rose Show set and vanished into thin air, it's like he got swallowed up by a black hole.
Pigeon: sounds like my first marriage. you're hot, toots! whaddaya say you and i and some kinky boots...?
guest wrangler: i love that show!
Pigeon: you'll be wearing the boots, dear...

* Charlie Rose: the purpose of my show all these years, the purpose of all television, the purpose of all of our lives is to prepare for the apocalypse.
Yung: this is all 4chan's fault.
Charlie Rose dies in Mike's arms.
Charlie Rose (last words): please, Mike Tyson, make up for anything bad you may have done, you can redeem yourself here and now. carry on my mission. save Mabel Pines.

Doctor Who "Face the Raven" Episode Discussion

learned:

* nevermore................until we see Clara again in the Christmas special.

* Clara: hey remember when we barely survived fighting that giant monster?
the Doctor: this isn't funny anymore, i know you die at the end of this episode.
Clara: you can predict the future?
the Doctor: no, you weren't there when the cast and crew did the readthrough, remember? you were off auditioning for your next role.

* the Doctor: you gave out my number?
Clara: no, it happens to be the exact same number as the local pizzeria.
th Doctor: oh i so love those Ultimate Hershey's Chocolate Chip Cookie cookie pizzas from Pizza Hut.

* the Doctor: who are you?
Rigsy: i could say the same to you.
the Doctor: i like you. you're gonna die.
Rigsy: this isn't a gang tat, it's a magical tattoo, i'm a responsible husband and father.
the Doctor: oh your little human is adorable, i could just eat that baby!
Rigsy: you're kidding, right? Clara said you were a friendly alien.
the Doctor: hmm? oh yeah, yes, right.

* Clara sticks her head out the TARDIS. her hair blows in the London sky.
Rigsy: i never knew Clara was such a daredevil. she's more rebellious than i was as a youth.
the Doctor: nah, i told her she couldn't use the TARDIS phone to order pizza anymore but that didn't stop her.
Clara: pepperoni!

* Clara: trap streets.
the Doctor: trap streets.
Rigsy: trap streets.
Clara: but which one?
the Doctor: Ashildr Street, nobody remembers that one.

* Rigsy: i'm guilty? is this cos i'm black?
the Doctor: it's your fault!
Ashildr: my fault? is this cos my neck tats are black? that's racist.
the Doctor: YOU can help us.
Anahson: why? just cos i have two faces? that's alienist.
the Doctor: i'm a doctor not a psychiatrist.
Anahson: i'm here legally you know, i have my papers.
the Doctor: are they psychic?

* Clara: you can fix this, right?
the Doctor: no, your recklessness finally caught up with you. it's rare for a Companion to outright die but in the end you weren't as invincible as me. cos you can't regenerate.
Clara: oh well, i can join Danny now.
the Doctor: please give this to Danny when you see him again. it's a maths book.

* Rigsy beautifully tags the TARDIS with a Clara tribute.
bobby: move along, thug, nothing to see here, no loitering.

Mike Tyson Mysteries "She's a Bayniac" Episode Discussion

learned:

* the real question is if I will live long enough to finally see Flashdance. bear with me, netflix, I want to chill with that movie so bad.

* Pigeon: whatcha doin'?
Marquess: I'm so excited.
Pigeon: like Jessie Spano caffeine pills excited?
Marquess: no, just cigarettes.

* Mike: smoking is a disgusting habit.
Marquess: what about all the stuff you've done?
Mike (angrily): do you want me to turn you into a ghost?!

* Pigeon: your wife is hot, sir, can I have a go? I'm getting a boner, see it?
husband: no.
Pigeon: dammit, I keep forgetting I'm a pigeon.
Mike: Pigeon's got time for bird sex.

* Yung: so much blood and cum on the floor. what do they call this? blemen?
Marquess: Tool lyrics.

* the eeriest part of that last scene with the creatures on the surface of their home planet wasn't the clicking of their tongues or the jizzcuzzi, it was the silence. there is no background music in space. yeah it was just too quiet.

Doctor Who "Sleep No More" Episode Discussion

learned:

* do i have to do this if the episode is bad? just kidding, i wasn't smart enough to understand it.

* the Doctor: you can't just put Space in front of every word.
Clara: so this episode isn't Space Under the Lake? Space Cloverfield?

* Phoenix: sleep is essential to me. in fact it's the only thing i can count on in this life. it's not a rainy-day friend but a nighttime friend. i love it more than eating. i would never willingly do with less of it just to fill some work quota.
scientist: time is money.
Phoenix: but what if i'm a pot-smoking layabout all day long?
scientist: can i interest you in senior management? our company needs a CEO...

* Clara: Morpheus? like the god of dreams?
scientist: yes.
Clara (circles face): see? i'm not just this.
the Doctor: no, you're that butt you keep going on about.

* Clara knocks on the pod.
Clara: it's okay, you can get out now.
scientist: i'd rather stay inside here forever thank you. have you been watching the news? Earth is doomed.
the pod (music): Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream...
the Doctor knocks the pod.
the pod (music): sleep with one eye open gripping your pillow tight...

* Chopra: i should have listened to my mother and become a spiritual guru.
474: what is spirit?
Chopra; it's complicated. what's your favorite poem, 474?
474: what is poem?
Chopra: you're the gentlest killing machine i know. it's a good thing you're on our side.
474: what is side?
Chopra: aw shit

* Clara: i'm naming the eye-booger monster of the week Sandman.
the Doctor: i name the monsters.
Clara: sorry, Michelangelo.
the Doctor: wait, i see more monsters! there's a brown one made of mucus, Mucus Man. a red one made of blood, Pigment Pete.......and there's a white one...
Clara: can i name that one?
the Doctor: uh, no, let's just run away.

* Nagata shoots.
Clara: is that your answer to everything?!
Nagata: relax, it's a water gun, just trying to lighten the mood.

* scientist: hello, me again from the opening. so..........we are the monsters we seek to destroy? it was all a dream?
Moffat: i do have the dream life.
First Doctor: don't involve me in this mess!
Eccleston starts to laugh heartily. Matt Smith joins him.
Clara: i'll never forgive you, Matt, you abandoned me.
Matt: sorry, babe, i'm a ginger-chaser. i am in rehab.
Clara: so glad i'm leaving soon.
Capaldi: really wished i hadn't signed that lifetime contract.
scientist: wait, i've got it. okay, let's just start over. Scene 1: it was a dark and stormy night...

Mike Tyson Mysteries "For the Troops" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Yung: your porn collection is disgusting! you need to meet a nice girl pigeon at the park before it's too late.
Pigeon: you mean there are female versions of me?! all this time wasted on humans.
Mike: ain't got no time for bird sex.

* Deezy: I got you, fam, I'll take the the case, it involves a couple of mommies?
Marquess: mummy.

* Mike crashes and all the power in the area goes out. Mike delivers an uppercut to the electrical pole and all the power comes back on.

* the babes entertain the troops.
Pigeon: sex is the best kind of improv...

* Mike gets stagefright and stares blankly at you on the other side of the screen for all eleven minutes...

Doctor Who "The Zygon Inversion" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Clara: my calculator says BOOBIES. really, guys? i thought we were serious scifi.
Moffat tries to restrain his guffaw with his hand but can't.

* Clara: i can't brush my teeth, the toothpaste is black.
Gayle from Bob's Burgers: i got addicted to the black stuff.

* Bonnie: from now on you shall address me as Sexy Clara.
Clara: that's not cool. who am i?
Bonnie: i see what you did there. you are Dead Clara, uh i mean Clara And Danny Forever <3 Clara.
Osgood: who am i? neither all human nor all Zygon...
Bonnie: but all Companion. please reconsider.

* Bonnie: you can't lie to me, i can tell, our heartbeats are linked. what is the code?
Clara: should've just linked our brains...

* Kate: i was me the whole time, not a Zygon.
the Doctor: finally we get some good acting out of you!

* the Doctor: look it's quite simple. ready? here goes: war, what is it good for?
dead silence for ten minutes.
the Doctor: damn, i thought that would be good enough. i'm gonna have to earn my paycheck tonight, huh? alright, get ready for my magnificent ten-minute monologue...

* the Doctor: two boxes, impossible buttons, changing feelings, the same muddled outcome, uncertain future, the uselessness of war.
Bonnie: i understand but i still don't care.
the Doctor: if one of the boxes were a jack-in-the-box would that have changed things?
Bonnie: yes, i'm terrified of clowns. i would have surrendered.
the Doctor: damn it, O for 2.

* the Doctor: i'm a fan. i like your face.
Osgood: what are you implying, Doctor?
the Doctor: you're too competent to be a Companion. i'm gonna regenerate into you. you're gonna be the first Female Doctor! don't worry, we'll do some script doctoring to explain away how you were on the show before as a different character.

Tim and Eric's Bedtime Stories "Sauce Boy" Episode Discussion

learned:

* Rod Serling himself would be proud of this gorgeous series. this stuff is so good it should be in black and white.

* Eric: i don't like it when i play the straight guy, i want to get wacky like you. here's my pitch for next episode, i call it Eric and Tim's...

Tim: now THAT is scary.

* Eric: my name is Eric and i'm a diaperholic.

Tim: that's disgusting! hi, Eric, i know where you live.

Eric: this is supposed to be anonymous.

Tim: then why did you say your name? what do you think this is, the internet?

Eric: the internet isn't anonymous anymore, the drones know all.

Tim: the drones got nothing on my Uncle Sal's fist.

* Eric: why are you spitting out your food and drink?

Tim: i don't eat, i connoisseur. here's your cure, it's a placebo of sugar water. go to the bathroom.

Eric: you're right, it worked! i went in there and smelled the diaper and smelled chocolate! i immediately retched cos i hate chocolate. the sugar water is making me feel better, i'm not sluggish anymore, i got a pep in my step.

Tim: see? the power of the mind.

Eric: no, i'm diabetic.

* Tim: remember, i want this to be crystal clear, i said catfish, right?
Eric: catfish, got it. it's a little out of my way, but...
Tim: take my hearse. if you screw up, you're already in your final resting place.

* mafia don: no fries?! no drink?! catfish?! i said crawfish!
Eric: Tim, help me out, you said catfish.
Tim: no, i said crawfish................................but you're getting catfished right now.

* Eric: i will do my best to make the red sauce.
Tim: it better be the best sauce ever or you'll already be in your final resting place.
Eric: how's that?
Tim: we'll make the sauce your blood.

* Mama (singing): Camptown Races...........London Bridge Is Falling Down.........99 Bottles of Vino On the Wall Next To Your Mounted Head........ABCDEFG.....
crowd: Freebird!
Mama leaves the stage and returns in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.
Mama: Oops, I Did It Again...
Tim: Mama, did you like the sauce?
Mama: i thought it was..................................terrible.
the mafia shoots Eric.
Eric (writhing): why?
Mama: sorry, i don't like Italian food.

* Tim: people are people, unchanging as the tides or a heart attack from too much rich, cholesterol-laden food.
Eric: that is so sad and determinist.
Tim: tell you what, you don't gotta dumpsterdive at no hospitals no more, i'll supply you.
Eric: how?
Tim: from my own private stash, i wear adult diapers....................(iris out)

Mike Tyson Mysteries "What's That Gnoise?" Episode Discussion

learned:

* don't hate me, but this is the best show on tv.

* this show is all about the awkward pauses.........................and the strange improv replies to jokes, y'know? like most sitcoms have the joke delivered, the canned laughter, and that's it, the plot moves on, but here, there's this weird pause after the joke followed by an offhand reply, like a "gimme a break", "oh brother", "god help me", "you're stupid", "in your dreams", "oooooooookay", "please" or an uncomfortable laugh from Pigeon.

* what happened to the guy who gave the bad review on yelp?

* Pigeon: does anyone in this family care that i'm in an oven?
Yung: Pigeon, this is the only way i'll ever eat you, if you're roast pigeon.
Pigeon: i may die, but what a way to go!

* Marquess: oh Mike you're crying. are you watching On Golden Pond?
Mike (wiping away tears on his blue tracksuit): nope, the Buster Douglas fight.

* Pigeon: wait, you mean to tell me someone fucked you four times?
Mike: sure, she's a soccer mom, she needs to have enough for a soccer team.

* soccer mom: i am so stereotypically harried, i gotta get the boy to ballet, the chubby girl to fat camp, and my ass to night school. and my husband thinks i'm a liar. does anyone hear that noise?
Pigeon: no, but it does sound like you need a new husband. i could get rid of him for you and we could make some noises.
soccer mom: no thank you.
Mike: me?
soccer mom: um, no thank you. how about you?
soccer mom looks lovingly at Yung.
Yung: me?! oh, no, sorry, i'm going to college soon.

* Pigeon: hey boy, have you jacked off yet? it's not normal you know.
boy (to psychiatrist): a talking pigeon told me masturbation was unnatural.
psychiatrist: get this kid a ward bed, he's crazy.
Pigeon: see?

* Mike tears apart soccer mom's car.
soccer mom: a gnome, that's what made the gnoise. i'm not crazy! hello tiny bearded magic man, how are you? wanna be my new husband?
gnome: sorry, toots, you're cute and all, you look like Jane Pauley, but i'm gonna die in your dog's mouth soon.
soccer mom: thank you. who's gonna pay to repair my car you tore up?
Mike: oh sorry, just deduct it from our bill. and please leave a glowing review on yelp, that's all that really matters. i've always wanted to destroy a car like my hero Michael Jackson. we Mikes have to stick together.
soccer mom: RIP MJ, king of pop, greatest songs ever.
Mike: he did music?

Doctor Who "The Zygon Invasion" Episode Discussion

learned:

* once, there were three Doctors, especially Tennant, we keep seeing flashbacks of Tennant, probably subliminal, showcasing the nostalgic better days, when the show really mattered. *sigh* hey, so what's Tennant doing now, just out of curiosity?
Tennant: i'm right here in space. you know in space they can't hear you sigh.
narrator: you are?! joy! gumdrops! can you come back?!
Tennant: i'm busy helping out four turtles at the moment.
narrator: oh come on!

* twin girls: our mommy says never talk to strangers.
the Doctor: good advice, i'm the strangest man you'll ever meet. who's your mommy?
twin girls: Missy.
the Doctor: please don't tell her you saw me. please? look, i'll give you a ride in my TARDIS over to a boy who's riding a kid's bike down the halls of a cavernous hotel, go bother him, have fun, here's some blood.

* Colonel Walsh: just because you're paranoid don't mean there're not after you.
the Doctor: Cobain forever.
Colonel Walsh: sure but also i'm a Zygon. i'll reveal myself in Part 2.
the Doctor: what?
Colonel Walsh: nothing.

* Zygons: TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES!!!
Kate: but i DID get my pets spayed or neutered.

* the Doctor: bombing is never the answer, it'll radicalize the moderates. go watch Off the Air "Conflict".
Kate: well then what do you suggest?! look at my face, it's cuter now that it's angry.
the Doctor: easy, the secret weapon against ISIS is my sonic sunglasses.
Moffat: sorry, sorry, that wasn't supposed to be in the final script, i swear, honest mistake.
female soldier: i can't bomb the enemy, they look like my family.
the Doctor: is it weird that when i look at them all i see is David Tennant? just David Tennants everywhere...

* the Doctor: i want to make sure i've got this correct: there are two Osgoods?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: two of them?
Kate: yes.
the Doctor: send both of them to my hotel room immediately, i need to chat them up i mean have a chat with them about the lotion the uh location of the enemy.

* Clara: i thought you hated being President of the World.
the Doctor: i love poncing around on this jet. sometimes Mr. Trump even lets me wear his red cap.

* Hitchley: okay we're gonna do that trope, mom, ready? gotta prove you're my real mom, mom. what is my date of birth?
mom: i dunno. look tbh i was contemplating not having you uh i mean i'm bad with dates.
Hitchley: what was the name of my teddy bear?
mom: Patches.
Hitchley shoots mom-alien.
Colonel Walsh: why did you finally decide to do it?
Hitchley: i always hated Patches. mom loved Patches more than me.

* the Doctor: let's be honest, you're human.
Osgood: i reject that concept, it's not either/or, i'm both human and Zygon, i'm a hybrid.
the Doctor: please don't use that dirty word around me.
Osgood: great, more bisexual nullification on tv.

* Clara: the middle-aged always think the world is coming to an end.
Jac: also, a woman becomes a horny teenage boy when she hits middle age.
Clara: boo! i'm a Zygon. it is Halloween after all.
Jac: Bad Clara is sexier than Cipher Clara.
Clara shoots a shoulder-fired missile.
Jac: and Badass Clara is sexier than Bad Clara. can i have your babies?