Justice League Action "Supernatural Adventures in Babysitting"

learned:

* i still need to see that movie. i know, everyone raves

* Batman: wait, how old are you, Stargirl? i...want to make sure...i got my bases covered...nevermind.

* Batman: are you texting?
Stargirl: sorry. it's not porn, it's my yelp review of you.
Batman: i don't mind that, it's just that your review contains no letters or numbers in it at all, it's pure emojis. that's what troubles me.
Stargirl: don't worry, i'm a focus queen.
Batman: size queen?
Stargirl: bye.

* i side with Batman in that scene, not Stargirl. i have officially gotten old. i never thought the day would come, i was always a kid at heart, it just kinda snuck up on me there. one day, you wake up and you're old. if it can happen to me, it can happen to you.

* Stargirl: *on her broom* y'know there was a time before Potter. Bewitched and stuff. i follow more in the Miyamoto tradition.

* Professor: do you like antiquities?
Stargirl: sorry but you're not dad-hot enough. like if you were Jim Comey-dad-hot then maybe.
Professor: i like plums.
boy: Courtney, give me a boob hug, it will be the last in my life.

* Stargirl: i'm just gonna go ahead and awkwardly wear this backpack on me at all times.

* Klarion: can i at least be called Witch Man? or Warlock Boy? my name is very emasculating. even my cat makes fun of me.
Teekl laughs.
Teekl: my cousins are Mutley and Azrael, i know the ropes.

* Klarion: the Magdalene Grimoire..........................i identify with whores who get a bad rap...

* boy: can i have a smartphone?
Klarion: that is so sad, kid. at least start with a fire truck or something.

* Klarion: i have transformed into the evil version of the kid. at least i'm not annoying like the good version.

* Stargirl: Risky Business slide and dance?......................................aw

* Stargirl: i knew i should have worn my heels instead of these sensible chuck taylors...

* boy: i demand poisonberry!
boy: i demand the crusts cut off!
Stargirl: when did that become a kid thing? the crusts are the best part.
boy: are you even trying, Teekl?!!
Teekl: look man, remember, i'm a cat, i take orders from no one. i do what i want.

* Stargirl: you like my big butt?
Klarion: no, i'm a goth. *magic spell of fire!*
Stargirl: call Batman.
Siri: fuck you. i'm sick of you ordering me around. i'm sick of your shit.

* Stargirl: babysitting...
Batman: girl...

* Constantine: i'm not a hobo, i'm British. and i like my women alien.

* Teekl: oh, did i forget to tell you? i can transform into a, like, Evil Cheetara.

* Batman: well?
Constantine: good news and bad news, Bats. good news: i brought my magic with me. bad news: it's the wrong magic keys.

* Batman: why do you have marbles, Constantine?.................on second thought, don't tell me.
Klarion: give the marbles to the boy. give the kid a real toy, give the kid a chance at a childhood.

* Klarion: don't worry, i can't kill you or really hurt you, kid. it's a kid's show.

* Japanese vs. Latin, taking all bets

* Stargirl: Timmy, it's me! promise you won't tell?
Timmy: i'm one of those savant boys with the photographic memory.
Stargirl: well fuck that's just great.

* Stargirl: you're not going anywhere!
Timmy: you sounded like me just then.
Stargirl: same voice actor...probably.

* Professor Anderson: oh, Batman was here. oh, you got a smartphone.
Stargirl: yeah that's actually my smartphone. can i get paid now?
Professor Anderson: how much?
Stargirl: enough for a smartphone?

* Stargirl: i'll call you................oh.......i don't have a smartphone anymore.
Constantine: did Professor Anderson............y'know..........pay you?
Stargirl: ew. you don't seem like you belong on a kid's show...

Justice League Action "Mxy's Mix-Up"

learned:

* Planet of the Apes? no, it's just Planet Earth never meant to have Humans in it!

* Stargirl: i was told there'd be no homework. i am too busy chewing gum at the mall and getting said gum stuck in my ridiculously overhairsprayed hair.

* Batman: *fist* damn gorilla! i hate gorillas. no, not like that, i hate when gorillas are megalomaniacal.

* Batman: be like Jack Bauer.
Stargirl: who?
Superman: are you crying, Batman? that's the first time i've ever seen you cry.
Batman: *crying through his cowl* it's just...24 was cancelled...i don't know what to do with myself anymore...that was my favorite show...

* Superman: you gotta love your work. it has to feel like it isn't work.
Stargirl: how do you get that one hair curl on your head so perfect every time?
Superman: tons, and i mean tons of hairspray.

* Stargirl: the UN globalist scum...
Batman: sorry, i gave you the wrong files to study.

* Mister Mxyzptlk: i appeared cos this episode was going downhill into boredom...

* Batman: the dossier....................not the dossier with the pee stuff in it...

* Stargirl: i thought you were a typo.
Mxy: well it wasn't a typo, missy! it was just another example of your generation's stupid textspeak!
Stargirl: you're like a living, breathing emoji.

* Superman: with this porn stache maybe now Wonder Woman will finally notice me.

* Batman: whatever you do, don't slip on the banana peels! that's a classic gag!

* Mxy: i'm doing the body-switch thing cos why not. completely arbitrary. looked it up on tvtropes.org. the blender is teaching kids to eat a balanced breakfast full of banana smoothies.

* Stargirl: my bad.
Superman: no, you're good.

* Superman: think cold thoughts.
Stargirl: ice cream, a meat locker...
Superman: no like Vanilla Ice's ridiculous hair, the woodchipper from Fargo...

* Stargirl: why is everyone staring at me?
Superman: cos you're hot.
Gorilla Grodd: you just said Batman was hot.
Superman: finally we have a premise that will make Superman vs. Batman interesting.

* Stargirl: bring Firestorm.
Superman: why?
Stargirl: cos i want to fuck him i mean cos he's hot i mean cool.

* Firestorm: where does an 800-pound gorilla sit? on my face!

* WHEEL!...........OF!..........JEOPARDY!

* kiltedsystem, in case you are ever in a situation where you have to get rid of Mxy. life was better back then, when men wore kilts without underwear.

* every episode ends with the bad guys being loaded up single-file into the police van.

* Superman: why did you really want to summon Firestorm?
Stargirl: frankly, i kinda wanted to meet him.
Superman: me, too.

Justice League Action "The Fatal Fare"

learned:

* Darkseid: Dasaad? change your name, it's too similar to mine!

* Dasaad: boom tube? i got my old '80s Walkman, that's about it.

* Superman: those ships aren't going anywhere.
Wonder Woman: that's my baby!

* Hawkman: they could be anywhere...
*phone rings*
Hawkman: it's for you.
Wonder Woman picks up.
Lois Lane: i said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch

* Roxy Rocket: it's Uber. except less racist.

* Roxy Rocket: no, sir, you pushed the Johnny Rockets button. you were at a bachelorette party late night you say?

* Space Cabbie: gonna take more than a gal with big hooters.............oh her route includes Hooters as well? great wings over there.

* Space Cabbie: so the backseat of my taxi is my own couch. so i can't watch tv properly at my apartment. there's nothing good on tv anyway.

* Space Cabbie: dark seed?
Darkseid: dark side.
Space Cabbie: sorry. i was trying not to be racist.
Darkseid: you're lucky i barely fit into your cab. if i was one inch fatter...

* Space Cabbie: a platinum omega?! how much is this big ol' silver coin worth?
Darkseid: worthless. it was a commemorative coin that came in the mail from Time Life after the election.

* Space Cabbie: Mr. D?
Darkseid: you want the D?
Space Cabbie: no, i want to see the D. i mean...

* Kanto: some sort of virus...
Darkseid: i hate computers! they deleted my Instagram account for posting "disturbing images". ten years of my life down the drain!

* Space Cabbie: what's this ho doing here?

* Space Cabbie: you do what for Darkseid exactly?
Kanto: he's my employer. he feeds me.
Kanto: Green Lantern goo you say? i'm in. reminds me of those Rothschild mansion parties i attended in college...............by the way is my voice weird for my body?...like it's a little too high and slacker, y'know?

* Space Cabbie: here we are, no-name planet not resembling anything on Star Wars we can't afford Disney shares.

* Space Cabbie: pile in, everybody! you, too, Wonder Woman! ladies ride free!

* Dasaad: why did our ship tanks have to be water? worse design flaw since the Death Star.

* Space Cabbie: Jack here, heehee, no affiliation or resemblance to R2-D2 whatsoever, heehee, i thought everyone had moved on to that rolling ball robot and forgotten.

* Atom: huh, i just discovered i'm claustrophobic. that's not good for my future career.

* Space Cabbie: i'd just like to thank the producers for making me so prominent. for some random reason. it's strange cos i never was before. i was about to do something drastic.

* Roxy Rocket: hop on and hold tight.....................you're touching my butt...

Justice League Action "Time Out"

learned:

* Wonder Woman: i can do my own makeup this shoot. a girl's gotta save money somehow. i'm paying for all the dates with Superman.

* H.I.V.E. Master: free will is a disease.
Wonder Woman: didn't hear you freely say that just then, you were too sick to speak.

* Wonder Woman: are all of our villains weird?
Batman: NO ONE is weirder than me.

* H.I.V.E. Master: Wonder Whelp...
Wonder Woman: you insult me with millennial cyberspeak? that really hurts. next time at least call me Wonder Witch and make me a respectable woman.

* Booster Gold: i'm so cool i wear shades when the sky is blackened. did that hydrant just disappear? i need to go to the bathroom, it's like a reverse Pavlovian response.

* Batman: trapping Guy Gardner in the elevator...
Booster Gold: oh, so that's why Green Lantern: The Animated Series was cancelled, nobody could find him. shame, brilliant show.

* Batman: you're the worst person who's ever lived! get off your phone!
Booster Gold: but i'm calling my mom crying about what you said.

* Batman: frozen doves in the air?
Booster Gold: PRINCE HAS RETURNED!!! you knew he would.

* the two see a frozen Wonder Woman.
Batman: don't get any ideas, she'll kick your ass.
Booster Gold: and he tells me to get off the internet. you're the one with the dirty mind.

* Batman: DON'T HURT THE GIANT BATS!!!

* Booster Gold: time fissures and epicenters and such. you'll have to rubber-band back there and forget how valiant i was. you're rubber, i'm glue...
Batman: I AM VENGEANCE. I AM THE NIGHT. I AM THE ROCK WHICH CRUSHES PAPER!!!
Booster Gold: man, were you ever a kid? who was free and played games? i mean before your parents' murder.

* Batman: what happened?
Booster Gold: we went through the stargate...
Batman: might be a trademark issue. check with S&P.

* Booster Gold: chronal nausea...
Batman: cat AIDS?
Booster Gold: buddy you really gotta get off those memes.
Booster Gold: *the flash* ah. Polaroid. never goes out of style.

* Batman: how long have you been doing this?
Booster Gold: that's private, dude.

* Batman: y'know, the Bat Cave was the first man cave.
Booster Gold: but does it have foosball?
Batman: it's got Nok Hockey and Carrom.
Booster Gold: you win. nostalgia bomb wins.

* Booster Gold: touch your nose with your tongue? what? that's what i learned at my youth center.

* Booster Gold: nobody ever sets out to be the rat guy. except maybe if your dad was an exterminator. i'm the rat guy of time. i'm John Goodman in Arachnophobia.
Batman: Spider-Man is Marvel, i was forbidden to see that film as a kid.
Booster Gold: i'm about to use my Michael Jackson voice and sing about Ben.

* Booster Gold: you're a big girl aintcha.
Chronovore: i'm not into labels.

* Batman: you look like Eustace Bagge.
Booster Gold: who?
Batman: millennials. you missed all the good cartoons we all saw as kids.

* Batman: i hope one day i'll figure out how badly i misjudged you and that you're really an okay guy.
Booster Gold: yeah, i don't see that ever really happening...so...therein lies the tragedy.

* Batman: *scolding* and one more thing...
Booster Gold: what?
Batman: you have beautiful eyes.

* Wonder Woman: sure you weren't too harsh on the kid?
Batman: he needs this.
Wonder Woman: where the fuck is my ten dollars?

Doctor Who "The Doctor Falls"

learned:

* for the record, i've always loved Moffat. i've thought of him as a kindred writing spirit. he has the same ticks as me, he throws his chair back to the wall and stands to write the endings of his scripts cos the crescendo comes and it's too exciting to stay seated. he names his characters and villains the same way i would, same mode of thinking. he plans, which i don't frankly. i've never understood the weird internet hate of him. i was your day-one, Steven, and i'm gonna miss your fro. yes he always seems tired but everyone in this world is tired. chapstick for that sweaty stiff upper lip. you're brilliant, buddy.

* can i take the time now to recognize the cool promotional images each Doctor Who episode has? do you know of any other show which does this?

* this review will not be an extra 30 minutes

* this episode was bluetiful. i love when they use as little light as possible in the camera and everything is overcast. very British, very rainy, very Cardiff.

* the Doctor: i'm afraid we haven't met.
the Master: Simm. pleasure. big fan.
the Doctor: i didn't vote for you.
the Master: do you hear the drums?
the Doctor: in my head, yes.

* the Doctor: i hear next series they're gonna cast a beautiful Companion.
Pearl Mackie: i'm standing right here.
the Doctor: sorry, it's tricky when i look at you and see a hunk of junk.

* Nardole: so what is a Mondasian Cyberman?
Pearl Mackie: they use their miner-helmet lights to kill the Doctor then leave him to die in the TARDIS for being a bellend.

* the Master: woman can i borrow your bra?
Bill: i burned my bras, bub. and you didn't fool me, i saw right through you. that was some pretty weak Klingon makeup.

* Missy: sorry, can't do it. didn't bring my shoes.

* the Doctor: i predicted Trump. i sent the code to switch the internets to include Time Lords on the Cyberman lunch menu. and i sent Trump that wrestling reddit meme...

* Nardole: i heard you the first time. and i don't agree. i've proven throughout this season i wasn't useless.

* little girl: i'm not young Bill.

* the Doctor: the thing is, they're scarier as scarecrows.

* the Doctor: perception filter. old Hollywood trick.

* Bill: when you look in the mirror, what do you see?
the Doctor: fabulous hair.

* dude, i totally predicted the tears of oil or human salty water thing!

* Bill: what's that yellow thing on your hand?.
the Doctor: suntan lotion. see the review below.

* Nardole: it's a real barnburner this one!
Hazran: i'll try anything once...
Nardole: i taste like a boiled egg.

* Missy: what? i used to be an elevator girl at Grace Brothers.

* Nardole: see this? *explosion* *laser gun explosion* life isn't real, it's a video game.

* the Doctor: at least some will survive. i do this to be kind. love trumps hate. kindness trumps mean. one day even you two will die and have to meet your Maker. the First Master.
the Master: i didn't hear a word you said.
the Doctor: you're pretty young to need a hearing aid.

* the Doctor: please Missy, join me, it's all i've ever wanted. there's good in you.
Missy: thank you for trying, love, but no, just no. no reason.
the Doctor: wow. nothing? Steven's not gonna like this. he worked on that speech for two years.

* Missy: where's your TARDIS?
the Master: in my pants.

* Missy: why did you change into me? empathy?
the Master: okay i admit it, i'm a huge Mary Poppins fan. it's my favorite movie.
the Master: ah, the ol' slip the mickey. cept the mickey is a knife. y'know the point of your umbrella is really dangerous. you should take it back to the factory. defective line should be discontinued.

* the Master: *laughing* we stabbed each other in the back! of course! poetic justice!
Missy: *crying* hilarious. except i wanted to be good.
the Master: what is that salty discharge coming out of your eyes?
*Seinfeld human mouth and lip pops and clicks*

* producers: wait, we can't kill the Master. or we have no show. whoops.

* Nardole: before my tearful goodbye, i just want to say one thing.
Bill: i love you, too, Nardole.
Nardole: no, Doctor, it's pronounced NARdole, emphasis on the first syllable.

* the Doctor: i thought i'd see stars.
Megan Fox appears.
the Doctor: nevermind.

* Bill: what is this? i feel funny.
Heather: you are you again. human, free from your robotic shackles.
Bill: oh no, is this gonna be another one of those the-power-of-love deals?
Heather: look at me. i was too hot to stay away.
Bill: you're right. the power of lust.

* Bill: the power of tears.
Heather: the power of sadness.
Bill: the power of emo.
Heather: well let's at least make it the power of goth.
Bill: you'd look hot in goth makeup...

* Heather: it's a different mode of living. what you reckon? all of time and space.
Bill: thank you, but no. i really like chips.

* Bill: are you the Thirteenth?
Heather: no. it would have been you, but with Moffat leaving the producers decided to start over.
Bill: damn you Moffat.

* the Doctor: no, i do not want this! i don't want to keep pretending to be another person i'm not!
Capaldi: yes i do! i want this! i want to leave this show badly! the factory ground me down!
the Doctor: no! i want to keep playing this part forever!
Capaldi: i REALLY had to act that last line.

* i swear for a  moment there i thought it was Nardole. the figure had the shape of Nardole...

* the First Doctor: it's me! Will!
the Doctor: Big Billy Shakespeare?
the First Doctor: that's TNT. no, William Atherton, the real William Atherton! you're dead.
Capaldi: well i knew i was old.

* the First Doctor: hey remember Shakespeare in Love? the insane buzz around that film?
the Doctor: the '90s were just a better time for all of us. makes me want to hop on a time machine or something and travel back there permanently.

* the Doctor: so, who's the next Doctor?
the First Doctor: Ben Affleck.

Justice League Action "All Aboard the Space Train"

learned:

* femaleless episode, jus sayin

* i thought this was a repeat. Follow That Space Cab!

* SPACE SNAKE!!!

* note: this won't be about the crew

* Batman: thank the stars i can rub some of this yellow suntan lotion all over myself to keep breathing. my utility belt is amazing.

* Batman: Kanjar Ro..........................this story is gonna suck.
Kanjar Ro: it's a slow burn, there's a difference.

* Space Cabbie: i thought i was a one-off.
producers: you're our best character! you're new, nobody's heard of you, unlike some who burnt out aeons ago.
Batman: i can hear you.
Space Cabbie: you can't hear anything in the vacuum of space.

* Space Cabbie: it's a submarine sandwich, get it? hot meat, my kind of Saturday night. just me and my lonely robot.
robot: remember, we live in a post-Her world.
Space Cabbie: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Subway, i finally get why they named it that.

* Cyborg: we'll quadruple your fare.
Space Cabbie: which means how much?
Cyborg: we won't kill you. i could shoot you on the spot.
Batman: nice.

* Space Cabbie: need to get away anyway. i was on a planet that looked remarkably like that Star Wars planet with the space snake.

* Space Cabbie: as you can see, i failed spy school. good thing they let me keep the grenades.

* Batman: okay Space Cabbie, i need you to do one more thing. hear me out, this isn't necrophilia...

* Space Cabbie: EXCALIBUR!!!
Jonah Hex: fool.
Space Cabbie: what?
Jonah Hex: i would think you of all people would be an otaku.

* Jonah Hex: don't mind me, pardner, my gums are in front of my teeth. there wasn't a lot of dental hygiene in the Old West.
Space Cabbie: i hate popsicles.
Jonah Hex: what's a popsicle? back in the day we had saloons and upstairs rooms.
Space Cabbie: don't worry, i can thaw him out.
Batman: grenade?
Space Cabbie: lighter. they legalized in Nevada finally.
Jonah Hex: now that makes sense.

* Jonah Hex: what are those?
Space Cabbie: the useless circles on the TARDIS.
Jonah Hex: vacuum?
Space Cabbie: the vacuum of space.
Space Cabbie: magnetic spacewalking boots...
Jonah Hex: you had me at bewts.
Jonah Hex: i know what these are. shooting irons.
Space Cabbie: what?
Jonah Hex: spill the beans.........................the cowboy beans...

* Batman: meetinghouse...
Cyborg: whore house?

* Jonah Hex: crevasse...
Space Cabbie: what?
Jonah Hex: he may be a bad man. but i'm badder.
Space Cabbie: worse.
Jonah Hex: what?

* Jonah Hex: tear to my eye. this brings me back to my saloon-shootout days.
Space Cabbie: except when you broke a window back then you didn't get sucked out into the vacuum of space.
Jonah Hex: what's a window?

* Space Cabbie: it's called mooning, i'll explain later.
Jonah Hex howls over an open campfire under a blanket of stars.

* Jonah Hex: ghosts. i hate ghosts. they used to roam the graveyards back in the day whistling Dixie. i am a ghost.
Space Cabbie: Space Ghost is pretty cool. we're under contract obligated to say that as long as we work for CN.

* Jonah Hex: He-Man Punch...
Kanjar Ro: not so fast. reach for the sky. that He-Man Punch is reserved for Apollo Gauntlet...

* Kanjar Ro: i got Megan Fox to kiss me once, she thought i was a turtle.
Jonah Hex: Mae West. i win.
Kanjar Ro agrees.

* Jonah Hex: ah, dinosaurs...
Batman: dinosaurs were never real. i'm a scientist.
Jonah Hex: sure they are. i seen 'em..............back in the day.........folk stopped lookin in the desert after they spotted the tumbleweed...

* Jonah Hex: thought i'd stay a piece, Lone Ranger.
Batman: why? Gotham is a modern city.
Jonah Hex: city life ain't for me, boy. look how the world's goin. better enjoy the environment while we all still can.
Space Cabbie: i would, but my cab exploded. destroyed by my robot. payback for not paying enough attention to him. my robot also ate my sub sandwich even though he doesn't need to eat.

* Jonah Hex: that there is the purdiest sunset i ever did see. ride 'em! adios, muchacho.
Batman: how did you figure out my secret Mexican heritage? btw, that's a sunrise. and the Tatooine twinstar.
Space Caddie: going out on top like Peyton Manning.
Batman: sports are stupid.