The Shivering Truth "Constadeath"

notes:

* this narrator voiceover is starting to grow on me...

* if Almighty God dies, who writes the inscription on the tomb? how could you possibly encapsulate God in a few words?
God: Love > Death

my boy Orson was the greatest gay man I ever created.

* shoutout to Props Dept.: using those backscratchers for God's long arm and scratchy fingers like the Cryptkeeper's

* slave: don't you dare call me a magic black girl! i'll beat you silly, boy!
boy with sailor hat and tag on hat: please take no offense, sir, you're my idol. as in i think i worship you. if i worship myself. if i love myself. want a lollipop?
slave: call me Magical Girl. anime is the only thing in this world which brings me happiness.

* slave: what shall i dream about to cover up my endless inescapable pain? i know, i'll be white!
slave as sailor boy: my idols were not Popeye or Donald Duck. or Pippi Longstocking's Cap'n father. i honored the men of the sea who were not afraid to skip on a pier.

* boy: don't make me do this. if my rope turns into black licorice, does it still hurt as bad to whip?

* slave: quick! touch me and turn me into grape jelly so i can escape out of my chains!
boy: sorry, sir, it's a hot day and the jelly is more of the hard elastic rope blocks than the Smuckers jelly with the seeds that's more of a paste.

* boy: my parents took turns shivving me, preparing me for being a federal rat. i don't blame them, their mutual actions against me strengthened their marriage. i was never in danger of being a child of divorce.
parents: if we didn't have children, we would have divorced.
boy: thank you. life is better than no life at all.

* you know this was verbatim a doctor's visit Vern endured.
Vern: so Doc, how much longer do i have to live?
doc: once you die, you have no more conception of time.
Vern: if i don't look at the ticking countdown clock, time won't move forward, right? time works like observing atoms, right? after all, time is just time atoms.
doc: i still have my Watchmen watch from my Catholic-school days. that's actually a clock counting down to the next episode of Supermarket Sweep.

* doc: quick, sign here.
Vern: do i really have to sign it? don't you already have me by the balls?
doc: yes, figuratively and literally. think of me as the doctor from the pilot episode. and your agent. your balls smell nice. not sweaty this time of year.

* Vern: so i have the head of a Kraken. or eagle, same symbol.
doc: life is life, right? would you rather be dead or alive as a bird?
Vern: but i would never know i was dead...

* Vern: Lucy, i've got some splaining to do!
Lucy, his wife: honey! surprised to see you at the house! you're, like, never home, you have more paperwork than Naruto.
Vern: have you ever wanted to make love to all the animals at once?

* Lucy: i was a zoology major in college but this is ridiculous.
Verrn: sorry, i have to do this same joke...like five times..each time another year...my background was in standup comedy...
Lucy: you realize i cheated with another version of youself in the interim each year.
Vern: i swear i bought you birthday and Christmas gifts each year---different ones, it's just that it lasts a second so we can't exhange.
Lucy: i exchanged some weird fluids with you. on second thought, i don't want to be a zoo vet.

* Lucy: but where's my REAL husband?
Vern: does a person have to have the same head or the same body to be the same one? i always thought the heart was more important than the brain...

* Vern: did you remember to get the Lemon Pledge? that joke is only funny with the Seth MacFarlane head.
Lucy: thank you, honey, this marriage taught me patience. i'm gonna wait a real long time before i divorce you.
Vern: our family pets will be pets of divorce.

* boy: i see a face. my house. my house has the face! and it's staring at me. ironically this would be less scary at night. i don't like this meme game anymore.
house: trust me, kid, don't go down the path of looking at the internet every five seconds, you'll be a heathier adult.

* boy: i cut myself shaving...thank you for the extra house key, God's Hand, can i see Your body now?...oh i see, my wounds are from my parents when they plunged that knife into me, psychological wounds, so i can't see them even though they appear on my arm...God, i lost the key again, lost it in the grass, next time put it on a visible snake keychain...

* boy: my wounds...this is the frontispiece of the piece...the central theme...when my wounds close up, when they heal, they disappear...so when we die, that's when we're healed...we're healed when we cease to exist...close up all my wounds so they won't be able to speak anymore, that's creepy...make it so i can't speak again so they won't speak again... y'know that cocoa butter stuff is holy water in more ways than one...get the honey-scented cocoa butter...

* boy: oh, i forgot i was a black man, you can arrest me now.
God: being black isn't a crime, being not Me is...

* when i watch this show sober, i get it, when i watch it drunk or high, i don't get it, what does this say about me?

* Vernon, please hurry up and figure out through your work what happens to us after we die, it's driving my mind crazy...