Doctor Who "The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos"

notes:

* last time: everyone wanted the blind girl to be Ashildr but she was busy gotta be preparing for that last GOT season...

* last timer: the Solitract wanted to become the Fourth Companion...

* Jodie: oh come on, Chibs! how do you expect anyone to remember the name of this finale? your job was to make this episode memorable.
Chibnall: do not use the C word with me, missy!
Jodie: if Missy were here the ratings would have spiked. and i'd have my lesbian love interest.
Chibnall: i don't do the titles, the BBC does! i could have given loads better titles. like "Jesus On The Cross", "The Rock", or "Tim Shaw Returns". see? i'm a good writer.

* female cleric: we are two. like Sith and Lord Master. remember Alien?
apprentice cleric: no.
female cleric: shame. you millennials don't know what good British sci-fi is.
apprentice: oh yeah, is that the one where the crew member turns out to be a robot?
female cleric: SPOILERS, BOY!!! dammit! i hadn't seen it yet, thanks a lot!
apprentice cleric: i don't like this desert world we've been confined to and lived on forever.
female cleric: it's fine.
apprentice: for you and your complexion maybe. it's like waking up every morning in a jail cell for me.

* cleric: remember, son, our job is NOT to know things. the universe is far too complex to try to search it and find multilayered answers to the meaning of life in it.
apprentice: yes, mom. how am i your son again?
cleric: long complicated story, son.
apprentice: oh my god, Jesus has returned to us!
cleric: i'm noticing His teeth, people don't notice Jesus's teeth, that's not the first thing they notice about Him.

* Ryan: this planet's atmosphere is altering my perception of reality.
Graham: no that's your drugs, son.

* Graham: wait you had these neurobalancer thingees the whole time?
The Doctor: they help stabilize my migraine headaches. traveling with you lot is a pain in my shapely ass and perfect head. without the neurobalancer i'm just an ordinary posh English girl named Jodie Whittaker, no superpowers whatsoever.
Ryan tries his on. Yas, too.
Yas: so this is a Universal Alien Translator or something aye?
Doctor: nope, still can't understand what Ryan is saying.
Graham: mine translates Alien fine.

* Doctor: Chibs, instead of the neurobalancers you should have had them be my ear cuffs. everyone would be wearing my ear cuffs like fezzes and it would be cool. they'd sell out in stores for Christmas.
Chibnall: not now, bitch, i've got bigger problems! Brexitian problems!

* Doctor: ny name is Jodie. this is Yas, Ryan, and Graham.
Graham: why do you always introduce me last?

* Paltraki: my name is Paltraki, that's all i remember.
Doctor: suspicious. how bout you put away the gun. what is it with Englishmen and guns?
Paltraki: i can't. i was on GOT i mean this is a Lazer Tag gun and as such is like my third arm, cannot be removed, nostalgia is all i've got left.
Doctor: who are you?
Paltraki: Paltraki. who are you?
Doctor: very funny, it's been 10 episodes, man, come on. that's two hands.

* Andinio: it's the future so of course there are holograms. but I am not a hologram.
Paltraki: your name sounds like an herbal-tea supplement. how long was i asleep?
Andinio: 3000 years give or take. we had a few Jesuses in that time.
Tim Shaw: i am Darth Shaw! oh sorry Chibs, well this is my mask anyway. i can't breathe with it on, can i take it off now? it's like Kylo's but even more sparse.

* Jan Le: hi, i'm Umsang. obviously the writers are big fans of tech cos my name is basically just Samsung. did you know Samsung does ships, too? the ships caught on fire, too, and burned away at sea. i served no purpose for this story at all, you could have explained this without ever casting me as a character. the fact that i'm Asian is of no consequence, i am neither lucky nor rich but i am crazy in love with Jodie!
Doctor: dammit. Series 2 uh Season 12, Series One Two i'm getting a boo. i want my own fam!
Jan Le: i coulda been a guy. Jan is either Jan or Jan. is it January yet and the final episode?

* Doctor: oh these holiday boxes are so cute! see? this is the Christmas theme we were reaching for in the writers' room.
Graham: they're not a package from the Kerblam Man, Doc. no more of that, toots.
Doctor: they're like those miniaturized planets against their will by an evil laser and locked in amber from Superman.
Chibnall: see the metaphor? you are a superwoman, Jodie, representing all the female ladies of the Earth in this century who have to struggle balancing careers and kids, both k sounds. two ks not three. fame and family.
Doctor: fam.

* Graham: can i take you aside? i'm not gonna try anything.
Doctor: what.
Graham: i'm gonna kill him. don't let my silly low manner and Eastside cockney assuredness fool ye, underneath this grandfatherly trenchcoat sweater i am Bruce Willis from Die Hard!
Doctor: we play Die Hard on a loop at BBC America at Christams cos of the Harry Potter wizard.
Doctor: if you do this, you will suffer the severest of consequences.
Graham: i know, i'll be no better than him, i'll be a convicted criminal, i'll serve out the term of my natural life at that prison planet the Rosa Parks villain comes from. good should rise to the top like pub beer froth.
Doctor: no, you won't be able to travel with me anymore, that's the most tragic thing that could ever happen to a human.
Graham: this is where the narrative picked up and got some real dramatic juice. there was potential at this point. for something new and different. it was halftime...kinda went all downhill form here...

* Ryan: you'd be dishonoring Nan if you killed Tim Shaw. like Jack Bauer and that redhead agent ginger superhotmama with the freckles white girl he fucked.
Graham: if you had the chance to kill Hitler as a baby, would you take that chance?
Ryan: i'd at least wait till he was a punk youth. i turned off your gun just in case, converted it into a video-game gun.

* Doctor: what's with women and guns?
Andinio: i voted for my race. the two of us ran against each other.
Doctor: there are only two of you who ever lived?
Andinio: no, two of us at a time. not ever.
Doctor: oh you're not that special then. there is only One of me. Ux?
Chibnall: User Experience. thank you. *takes a bow*

* Doctor: let me speak to your god on your tv-on-a-string around your neck, where do you get one of those things? i missed Black Friday, working, do they come in flatscreen?
Andinio: this is my crystal. used not for frivolous yogic activity on Instagram.
Andinio: how do you know our God?
Doctor: i used to be him. or her. we had a brief affair but he was a biter in bed so i ended it. the skin on my kneecaps got so sore. from his biting them.

* Tim Shaw: Doctor, we meet again! well? how do you like me now? do i make enough money for you now that you'll consider me again?
Doctor: you're an alright bloke, that's it.
Tim Shaw: i brushed my teeth for you! now i'm gonna attack your family.
Doctor: fam.
Tim Shaw: i'm like that Dalek Queen King but i don't have much of an army. still got my wires crossed tho.

* Ryan: i love you.
Graham: what? i'm hard of hearing, i'm old.
Ryan: okay just one kiss on the lips but that's it.

* Tim Shaw: go ahead weakling, make my day, shoot me in the face.
Graham: i bet that's what the Doctor told you to do to her. just answer me this, Tim Shaw, have you ever had dreams of running the 100-yard-dash in the Olympics?
Tim Shaw: yes i have.
Graham: that's all i wanted to hear...

* Tim Shaw: ow! hot foot hot foot!
Graham: you knew i wasn't really gonna do it. i was cop in a former life but i mostly did paperwork behind a desk. i'm not Rambo.
Ryan: I have the arms for Rambo. and the hands.
Tim Shaw: thank you, that shot cleared up my athlete's foot. no more messy powder.

* Graham: can we at least keep the Aquaman-looking guy in amber? remember Jurassic Park? what if these people are being used for experiments which will benefit all mankind? Ryan, we look so badass cool walking away in slomo from the explosion we caused!
Ryan: except there is no explosion and these guns are plastic.

* Graham: what do we do now?
Ryan: fist bump.
Graham: why do you want to punch me after all we've been through? where are the Doctor's bombs? use them on the doors.
Ryan: hey these are bath bombs!
Yas: how'd you know they were bath bombs, Ryan?
Doctor: hey give a girl a break. i'm still loving being a girl for the first time!

* Doctor: i'm sorry but your entire existence as a species is a lie. that's what i tell all the planets i travel to, that's my job, to bring them the Bad News. i'm like the Anti-Jesus.
Andinio and Delph: who's Jesus?
Doctor: me before the Regeneration. now get up on that Cross, Delph, like Jesus. like a Southern Baptist church along the Nawlins Delta.
Andinio: Delph, just pretend the universe is a big ball of dough and your sharp braids are the cookie-cutter.

* Doctor: nice. the Earth is blue and green again and Morgan Freeman is our President.

* Graham: as you rot in prison for eternity and your natural life sentence, remember the name...
Ryan: ...Nan.
Graham: ...Grace. or Nan, whatevs.
Tim Shaw: i will keep the name on my toothy lips. do even I deserve grace?
Graham: that's the sort of existential philosophical sticky wicket we won't delve into here, maybe in the New Year's Special.
Tim Shaw: i like hardened caramel so i'm golden here.

* Doctor: i'm proud of you, Graham.
Graham: i don't believe in capital punishment. so i didn't vote for Brexit.

* Delph: so, Ryan, i am obviously your dad and we need to talk...
Ryan: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………

* Doctor: you guys at home can finally read everything that's on the Police Box door. happy?
Andinio: so is there a God or what?
Doctor: the Universe is constantly changing so the answer always changes. God is here one moment but then the Universe changes again. by the time you see me again, i'll be a different person. probably go back to being a man. i'd ask you in but i used up all the custard last night...

* Jodie: what about the Timeless Child?
Chibnall: *looks at watch* no time! don't be a child! it will all be explained in the New Year's Special. which i'm writing right now. time's running out for me...