Doctor Who "Demons of the Punjab"

notes:

* Ryan: my mom died...
Yas: I'M your mommy now.

* The Doctor: yeah about last episode just want to say i'm not so much into custards anymore, i'm into candy floss. i like saying candy floss better than cotton candy, it's more British-kooky, you know?
Graham: British cookie? they don't make those. you should watch out with the candy floss on your teeth, Doc, makes your smile even more bucktoothed and goofier.
Doctor: you can only say that cos we're platonic pals.

* Doctor: oh yeah, womb. why is the b silent?
Graham: cos all bs are silent.
Doctor: did you get that thing i sent ya?
Graham: the TIME'S UP sticker? i'm a little wary of stickers nowadays. thought it was Time Magazine.

* Amita Suman: show, good job casting unknown up-and-comer Indian babes for your roles!
me: i know we're all farmers this time but let's stop talkin' bout soy, yeah? for the longest i thought the title was "Ghosts of the Punjab". i must be seeing things.

* Nan: i was the first marriage in Pakistan.
Yas's sister: okay, grandma, i liked your story, what do you want from me?
Nan: you liked my Instagram story?
Yas: i'm never getting married. unless i become the first marriage in Pakistan...

* Yas: tell me the story of your love, i want to feel inspired in this dead world.
Nan: here is the letter. word of warning: this letter was the first erotic fanfic ever done. it is filled to the RIM with nasty illegal stuff of all sort in them scribblings. and x-rated doodles in the margins of the pages.
Yas's mom: i...
Yas: no, mom, not this time.

* Yas: can you please help me fix the watch which is a symbol of my broken soul?
Doctor: i dunno, i don't have one of those impossible tiny screwdrivers.
Yas: no i mean the TARDIS.
Doctor: the TARDIS should only be taken out for emergencies.
Yas: what about your sonic then?
Doctor: currently in use...
Yas: what's that rumbling belowdeck?

* Doctor: alright, gang, everyone in the bus...……..sorry, reflex.

* Holy Man: don't mind me, i'm just an old man walking alone in the heat on a cold lonely dusty road.
Prem: get in, old man.
Holy Man: oh you young people and your cars and your Instagram, you've forgotten how to walk, you've forgotten what it means to earn a decent wage. you're all highway robbers now.
Prem: thanks, old buddy, hey look out behind your back, they're like some demons or ghosts following you.

* Graham: Doc, you okay?
Doctor: fucking migraines. you get migraines?
Graham: do i get migraines she says look at the size of my head of course i do.

* Yas: you're not marrying my grandfather? i am offended!
Doctor: sorry bout that, girl is into butterflies and changing wings and other loopy stuff. hey you got any VANQUISH in that barn?

* Doctor: why do we always land RIGHT as history's about to go apeshit!?
Graham: i'm British. from the Commonwealth.
Ryan: that makes you a monkey around here. now you know how it feels.
Graham: i look like everyone's uncle.

* Doctor: i sense something, my Spidey Sense is sad...it's like there are forces coming this way, unseen forces, undefined forces, but scary forces which will in the shadows crack your bubble and force you to live lives in terror you were never planning, your entire way of life is dust. it's all telly tricks, of course, the BBC is good at creating fear and making you flee with just sound over wheatfields...

* Doctor: so you lot have heard of speed-dating, yeah?

* Holy Man: don't worry, i'm not really dead. none of us are really dead. yes, my skin is purple but i'm a magic man you see...
Graham: Prince? Hendrix? we must search for the body. your body...……………….oh wow i had a Law & Order flashback there. i only do shows that are affiliated in London with NBC.

* Doctor: holy (man) shit! hey aliens, give me your cool transporter!
aliens: those Star Trek transporters are nuts! scattering your atoms? how could you ever be sure your atoms would reassemble the right way again?
Doctor: tell me about it, you could even turn into a woman the next time.
Ryan: ooooohhh, shiny...….!!!
Doctor: DON'T TOUCH, RYAN!, DON'T TOUCH IT!!!

* Doctor: we seem to have entered a cave with giant forks...………….let's eat! tuck in! those weren't trees in those woods, they were giant broccoli!
Ryan: the VANQUISH hits you harder if you don't eat. not that i'm a drugs-cheat youth or something.
Prem: no, nope, i'm too old for this shit, you talkin bout alien playmates, i've been to real war! i live in the real world!

* Doctor: i must say, i love you aliens' style, you've got those '90s square-pad targets you stick on trees for Nerf ball and that Laser Tag you did in malls in the '80s. like you, i also have a retro style. you guys are cool.

* Vajarians: we're not what you think. we just like to watch. we like to look at blue holograms.
Doctor: EVERY species in the universe does.
Vajarians: we were rejected for Star Trek: TNG so we came here. do you know how lonely it is to be an out-of-work actor?
Doctor: forever alone has such a negative connotation now, it's not cute anymore it's mixed with violence.

* Doctor: let me see what Manish did.
Vajarians: can't. it's, like, torture porn, banned in the seven star systems.

* Yas: this is wild, pops.
Graham: oh, you talkin' to me? this is our first conversation, aye?
Yas: yes, our first conversation. ever.
Graham: you know, if i had continued with Nan, you would have been my daughter…
Yas: and conversation over.
Graham: no, MY Nan, not yours. you have the prettiest smile i've ever seen on a girl, you have all your teeth...

* Yas: she lied to me!
Graham: all women have secrets, they must to survive in this dead world. feminine mystique and all that, it's part of their allure.
Yas: yeah, i cosplayed as Mystique once. still have blue paint in my yas.
Graham: *whispering* don't tell anyone this, but The Doctor used to be a man!!!

* Doctor: what's all this then? mind when women gather in circles, that's where the real power lies!!!
women: you callin' us liars? and witches?
Doctor: huh. so this is hentai, huh?
Yas: uh, henna. think of it as a Banksy needlepoint job if your hand was a pillow.
Doctor: okay, i'm ready for the icky cookie......everyone sing!
The Doctor sings "Thank You For Being a Friend" alone.
Ryan: i thought you liked biscuits, not cookies.
Doctor: no i like KFC biscuits, not biscuits meaning British cookies.
Ryan: not cool, man.

* Prem: what happened to you, Manish? you weren't so mannish before. you were boyish, you wore those Harry Potter glasses and were so cute!
Manish: i took off my glaases and opened my eyes, brother! i listened to angry white men on the radio, bro! i even called in once. have you heard of Gandhi Jones, bro.
Graham: you know what they say: unlucky in cards, lucky in love.
Ryan: but what about Pokémon cards?
Graham: that's just unlucky in everything.

* both men crying.
Graham: you look like a schoolboy on maneuvers.
Prem: you own that turn of phrase. i googled it and couldn't find it anywhere.

* Prem: the watch broke!
Umbreen: it's okay, that's the point. our moment in time. time does not exist, there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
Prem: that is so deep and non-millennial. have you been meditating again? perhaps this interracial thing will work out after all.
Umbreen: isn't Umbreen a cool name? like a beluga whale or something.
Prem: you're not fat. see? already i'm a good husband.
Umbreen: plus, the watch is a Swatch, it's rubber. Roger Federer hasn't won yet and done any Longines commercials.

* Doctor: we are so cute! we each got a golden poppy in our ears. a-choo!
Umbreen's mom: what was that? good luck?
Doctor: that was my first sneeze! as a woman.
Umbreen's mom: how's your nose doing, Doctor? Doctor Who knows.
Doctor: strangest thing, my nose didn't sneeze, my ear cuff did!

* Manish: i didn't toil the fields to feed YOU, i did it to feed ME!!! and i'm still skinny! that's why i joined the dark side!
Prem: all this righteous indignation and rage is not healthy, brother. you will never win this way. this is crazy what they're doing to us.
Manish: i know. i mean this partitioning of the country will never work, it's like Brexit. i'm angry cos of the food thing.

* Yas: ah yea, the ropes. and the mud pit. my early days on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here...
Umbreen: you will do well on that show, you inherited my big butt.

* Prem: i'm going out there, i got some demons of my own…………..yeah i said it, i said that line and i said that line seriously.

* Yas: i want to watch.
Doctor: no, cover your eyes, shield yourself from the world, girls should never see violence.
Yas: Doctor, i NEED to see this!
Doctor: it's just fireworks, hun, we're at a fair. do what i say, i'm your mother!

* Vajarians: like our freaky disembodied floating heads?
Doctor: i thought you were passive Predators.
Vajarians: we're named after the Vajazzle.

* Doctor: from the topview, the TARDIS looks like a giant icky cookie...

* Yas: why did you decide to settle in Sheffield?
Nan: completely random, i literally threw a redtipped dart at a map and it landed on this dump.
Yas: but what if the dart landed in the ocean?
Nan: on the map or the ocean in real life?

* both women crying.
Yas: you sacrificed so much for love! you went through so much pain for love! you lost your first love and had to settle for Grandpa!
Nan: that's why i tell you, bheti, be careful where you stick your fingers. when you swipe left, you may be fucking up your soul mate!

* Yas: i love you, Nan.
Nan: i love you, too, girl.
Ryan: way to rub it in, we're breaking up.

* okay, i admit, the music at the end credits teared me up...just something about Time, you know?...