Doctor Who "The Tsuranga Conundrum"

notes:

* me: the New Zealand city? Bay of Plenty?
Chibnall: no. writer 101: always start with an unknown so the critics can't challenge you. i like Good & Plenty.
me: i like Hot Tamales. and never model yourself after Power Rangers unless it's RPM.
Chibnall: address me as Chubby Chibby from now on, Phoenix.

* there HAD to be a better title. even "P'Ting" would have worked. or just call it "Health Care If We Keep Electing Dictators".

* The Doctor: before we start, can i just say how grateful i am to my New Three. my Triforce of Heart. you Companions have cleared my eyes and helped me rediscover my joie de vivre. i feel light as a feather...and not stiff as a board. it's like all of my centuries of man-baggage have melted away. i'm happy, healthy, and unburdened. i feel like like a girl who hasn't had her first boyfriend yet.

* Doctor: yes, i've definitely been a woman before, this isn't controversial or new. it's just all of those adventures were never seen on tv, film, or in comic books.

* Graham: this is shit.
Doctor: hey. the ratings have dipped some but we're still a good show.
Graham: no i mean this junkyard we're in.
Doctor: spoilers: this is really Earth...………...it's a metaphor...………...you human lot didn't heed the U.N. 2030 thing...
Ryan: hey i found my other hand in the scrap-pile! did you see the shadow puppets i did last time?
Yas: i was in the bathroom.
Ryan: come on, man, with my hand those shadow puppets are unique to me, i'm the only human who can perform them like that!
Doctor: in college i was called The Junkyard Dog.
Graham: for a woman that's not a compliment.

* Doctor: oh shit! it's a bomb! or maybe it's a roomba.
Ryan: is that what happened to your robot dog? i've been watching you since i was a kid in the British projects.
Doctor: i don't like to vacuum. i send the roomba inside the TARDIS and it never comes back cos it's bigger than any computer can calculate. when i'm traveling alone i vacuum naked like Working Girl.

* Doctor: where are we?
Astos: flying hospital on a boat. you're sick.
Doctor: that's what everyone keeps telling me. apparently i suffer from multiple-personality disorder.
Yas: we like to look at it as reincarnation.

* Doctor: OMG! this was my favorite show, i loved the ending. this is what would have happened if St. Elsewhere continued. everything ultimately ends up in space.
Astos: no, this is what would have happened if Red Dwarf continued into the 2000s. see that android over there?
android: i'm like if Data were a bishonen.

* Doctor: come closer to my face.
Astos: i'm responsible for you.
Doctor: that is so toxic and charming at the same time. quaint is the word. but you're cute so i'll let it slide. you look like my husband, my real-life husband. do you prefer my hair straight or curly? they wanted me to get brown hair to look more like Tom Baker.
Astos: in my timeline, Tom Baker became a monk...

* Eve Cicero: my story?
Doctor: your husband looks like my husband.
Eve: i'm the badassiest woman who ever lived, Han Solo is the male me, i took down all of Hitler's spaceships while pregnant with my brother, here is my no-good brother. and here is my partner Ronan the android.
Doctor: partner?
Eve: it's British. in this case it means partner, not partner. i'm not fucking him on the sly...
Doctor: yeah i mean where would you go? there are only a limited number of rooms.
Eve: ...Ronan is my drug-dealer. i have a secret: i didn't take my Humira this morning.

* Yoss: are you my mommy?
Yas: what?
Yoss: Yoss, Yas. i really need a support system right now. boys make boys and girls make girls.
Graham: and Gaga makes millennial monsters.
Doctor: OMG see i knew it! you ARE Ed Sheeran! i just missed you at the hotel.
Yoss: i've never given birth before.
Ryan and Graham: what's it like, mate?
Yoss: giving birth is a miracle. you lose your cock in the process but it's a miracle.

* Yas: so what happened?
Yoss: kissed the wrong dude.

* Mabli: i'm Mabli.
Doctor: you're mumbling, nobody can understand what you're saying. speak up to be heard.
Mabli: like our Star Wars holograms?
Ryan: OMG it's that short brown dude from video games that looks like a patchwork thread-and-needle doll made from a potato sack! i have the same toy showing on my shelf when i do youtube vidoes!

* Doctor: OMG this antimatter is so sexual to me. i eat it in my dreams when i sleep for years at a time. it's the signature S in space that keeps the universe up and creation of imagination possible. it's biblical and new life springs from its orgasm. it rattles the chain of my ear cuff into an S, that's what my ear cuff is for i've noticed you STILL haven't addressed the ear cuff on the show. it's Supergirl. it's actually the stuff that's in my vibrator.
Yas: what exactly is antimatter anyway?
Doctor: only Neil deGrasse Tyson can explain it.
Ryan: cos space is black? not cool.
Doctor: don't break the glass, Ryan. unless you're a woman.
Yas: it's like my Google Pixel 3: i can choose which frame to see things in.

* Astos: the white guy is always the first one to get killed...
Doctor: Pygar? is that you? sorry we can't keep you, mate, i already have too many Companions.

* Doctor: so you and Astos…
Mabli: strictly professional and platonic. he was like an older teacher brother to me.
Doctor: i understand, you never forget your first tattoo.
Mabli: and please stop calling me She-Mowgli.
Doctor: you can do this. Chris Chibnall believes in you. life is about solving problems...
Mabli: ...with money.

* Durkas: i love you.
Yas: *bright eyes* me?
Durkas: no, my sister.
Yas: *sour eyes* ew.
Durkas: you always called me a dorkus growing up, sis. but i respect you now that you're dying. i became a mechanic and built this very ship that's attracting that deadly Gremlin that will doom us all.
Graham shakes his head.
Durkas: i cheated on the test.
Graham: too right. i did, too, mate, no worries. you may find this hard to believe, but i am not Ryan's father.

* Yoss: i'm not ready to be a parent.
Ryan: no one is...except Sonny Bono.
Graham: hey! this is a ripoff of the Dream Corp LLC episode coming up later tonight. who came up with the pregnancy theme first?

* Ryan: kids need dads, it's that simple. not political at all.
Yas: that kiss we're gonna have in the last episode is gonna be epic.
Ryan: yeah let's have it in Episode 10, not the Christmas Special. please Chub, let's NOT have the kiss under mistletoe.
Graham: when will i be cool enough to blow up your fist? we're halfway over.
Ryan: let's wait until our SECOND Christmas Special when we'll be so bonded over warm eggnog we'll pull our Christmas cracker using our penises.
Graham: i've only seen the Christmas Call the Midwifes.

* Doctor: OMG, that thing is so cute! it's like if Stewie from Family Guy were a Gremlin! i'm gonna call it Baby Brundlefly! you say it eats parts of the ship?
Durkas: next time i'll make the ship with one bolt.
Graham: yeah, like eating drywall and loveseats, sound familiar? Dream Corp LLC anyone? stress-induced pica?

* Yas: what's your sob story?
Ronan: i'm a Roman with feelings...

* Doctor: good, the Gremlin ate my vibrator. there's enough pent-up energy in there for him to feed on for eternity.
Ryan: it makes a ping like a lost airplane black box.
Chibnall: sorry for only having one puppet. that's what happens when you have half-support from the public, the budget reflects that.

* Eve: wait, this is real?! it's not one big video game? you know, i thought shoot the Gremlin, win the boss battle with the big bad.
Doctor: wait, i'm detecting with my sonic that you have two hearts, that's why you're so on-edge and out-of-breath all the time.
Eve: yeah, no big deal to have female Gallifreyans.
Doctor: it's the transitioning that's the nervous part, choosing which bathroom.

* Doctor: okay, ready the 24 countdown cock uh clock. oh, we're not really killing it? well that's no fun. i theoretically killed that spider with my thoughts.

* Durkas: will you do the cant?
Ronan: robot religion is a tricky thing.
Doctor: we say can around here. we're a sex-positive feminist group.
Doctor: huh, i guess i'll humor them. i'm the God they're praying to...