Doctor Who "Kerblam!"

notes:

* not to be confused with that other show...

* last time: for never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo

* last time: ghost trains. but not in the Halloween sense.

* technological unemployment: it's a real thing...but wouldn't that make life easier? i mean everyone could just concentrate on their art.

* The Doctor: the problem with all these one-and-dones is you gotta burn the first fifteen creating the world and the back-end 45 with the actual story. can't make it 2 hours cos then it becomes a tv-movie and NOONE watches tv-movies anymore.

* Jeff Bezos: see? this is what happens. we had to relocate to the moon. you New Yawkers complained too much and you're in a major media market so i had to listen. West Virginians wouldn't have complained if we built on top of their mine.

* first episode title with an exclamation point? maybe? two question marks.

* Trump: i don't watch this show but it's very bad timing with the mail bombs and everything...

* thanks Show, you took away the only joy i had left in this life: bubblewrap.

* Graham: Doc, you got a package.
Doctor: no i don't, i got a vagina.

* Doctor: omg! when i was a little girl i wanted to marry the Kerblam Man!
Graham: when were you a little girl?

* Ryan pops the bubblewrap, which forms the basis for the backbeat of his new wrap rap song, grime of course.

* Ryan: can i skip this adventure? i mean it's just me going back to work.
Yas: yeah let's not have a Space Cops episode please.
Graham: i'm a pensioner. who DIDN'T spill his beans on toast on his leg.

* Judy Maddox: it's not me, though i have suspicious happiness. i'm just a happy-go-lucky worker in charge of the organics. i eat a lot of organic food, can't you tell by my figure?
Doctor: somehow you beat me out for that part on Coronation Street. you pitch?
Maddox: no i definitely catch.

* Judy: what's your name?
Doctor: don't worry about it, it's hard to spell, it has a hyphen. we were gonna use this magic paper here to get into the President's private quarters but that was when we all thought it'd be Hillary. it'd be a First Woman/First Woman type of momentous meeting. a cat celebration. now none of that matters so i guess we'll work here. we are FORCING you to make us work here!

* Doctor: Help Me? oh no sorry, that was from a page out of my diary. false alarm, folks, back in the TARDIS.

* Judy: put on your leg cuffs, i'm sure YOU are used to these.
Ryan: why you looking at me? not cool, lady.

* Graham: oh no this is why i studied hard at Hartnell and got my junior degree and made sure i qualified to drive a bus, to make sure i'd never have to mop up shit again. my days as a CIA cleaner are over.
Ryan: i got to Hartnell. well i did until you showed up there.
Doctor: use the mophead hairs for a disguise. before this episode is over, we are sure to use disguises of some sort.

* Jarva Slade: i am Jarva Slade...
Ryan: from Teen Titans Go!?
Jarva: no, The Flintstones.
Doctor: that's a very Star Wars name, Jarva. fetch me my java, Jarva.
Jarva: hey, show some respect. it's not me, though i have anger issues.

* Jarva: i want to hear a pin drop...
Claudia Jessie: dude, that was, like, five years ago, i've forgotten all about it.
Jarva: i want House of Anubis to return so bad! reckon a Doctor Who/HOA crossover? that would work brilliant!

* Dan Cooper: i'm the poster boy...
Yas: for toxic masculinity?
Dan: no, i'm just on a poster. don't go down there, people never return going down there. take my ex-wife...
Yas: please, i don't want to hear any more of this...

* Dan: i'm a single dad...
Yas: MRA?
Dan: sometimes i scroll for single mums online...but it's not what you think...i want a new mother for my daughter.
Yas: it's tough being away from family. you've inspired me, i'm gonna quit the Companion team.
Dan: and join TeamMates?

* Yas: look at my smile grinning ear to ear, i fancy you.
Dan: really? but it would never work, i'm not long for this world.
Yas: yeah. the writers could never make it seem believable. plus, my family would never go for interracial.
Dan: here, take this silver thing aound my neck, it's not a tooth. in remembrance of me and my daughter who will be an orphan soon.
Yas: my friend, this is what they call in the business a silver red flag.

* Kira: i have an impossible sunny view of life. my parents left me an orphan on a robot's doorstep. but the thing of it is, i just REALLY love unboxing videos on youtube. eh, who needs a PhD anyway?
Doctor: too right, they're a waste of time.
Kira: Doctor of Philosophy?
Doctor: sure.

* Judy: i look like that host of the Weakest Link.
Chibnall: or Judge Judy for American audiences, we're trying to branch out here, we're bleeding viewers with each show...
Judy: we decided as a nation to allow for 10% of the workforce to always be human.
Doctor: why?
Judy: cos there'd be constant crying if we didn't.
Jarva: and we each read The Fountainhead at an upstate New York summer house for orientation.

* Doctor: oi, these robots are creepy, yeah?
Graham: yeah, they're like Human Daleks. why didn't you just do Daleks? it would've been funny seeing Daleks wearing glasses working at a bookstore.
Chibnall: budget, man, budget.
Doctor: hey how'd you know about the Daleks?
Graham: i've been watching you since you were a little girl.
Doctor: that's more creepy than the robots. oi, Graham, stop looking at me naked under the airport screener.
Judy: two hearts?
Doctor: those are my two red juicy tits.

* Doctor: aw, that's so cute, puppy love.
Yas: and we're on picnic green grass so the two dogs can do their business.

* Graham: oi, mate, i'm gonna need the layout of this place, i'm casing the joint.
Charlie Duffy: my duff is small but my brain's not, i think long about things. hey, i thought I was casing the joint, you my accomplice or sumpin? Anonymous on the online chat forum, right?

* Doctor: did you like my speech?
Ryan: a little dramatic for my tastes. i like comedies.
Doctor: i'm trying to be comedic, look at my fez.
Matt Smith enters from the elevator.
Doctor: no, Matt, remember? when you were it everyone hated you. they thought you were boring and a bad actor. and had a weird plastic face that looked like a mask. you can't come groveling back now that you have all the men on your side.
Yas: who's the dreamboat with the ordinary name?
Matt Smith: just give me back my fez, bitch.
Doctor: remember Agatha Christie?
Matt: yeah, i fucked her wearing only that fez...on my junk. she got the Orient Express idea from me, that was a new positon i was trying out on her. mind you she was 80 at the time. it lasted such a short time she pleaded with me to roleplay and do her in different costumes, one for every body on the train...

* Ryan: okay, we're doing this, but my hand coordination, you're gonna need to push me down the chute.
Charlie: not gay. and you're too fat to push, mate.
Yas: do you think the audience is buying that we're not really action stars and this is all CGI?
Chibnall: definitely.

* Charlie falls off the speeding conveyor belt.
Judy: told ya.
the story ends, the villain is killed.

* Doctor: *holding his hand* no guns.
Jarva: you pulled out yours first.
Doctor: that's my vibrator. my hands are up.

* robots: come with us, little girl, you've won Employee of the Lunch Break. are you claustrophobic?
Kira: no.
robots: then this is no problem. this is your first unboxing! cameras are always secretly taping you for the company youtube channel...
Kira: i'm so excited! send this video to my mum and dad back on Earth, i was a rebellious teenager...

* Kira explodes.
child watching: what happened to the girl, mummy?
single mum: she disappeared like your father.

* Charlie: it was me.
Doctor: well that was a quick confession.
Chibnall: *taps his watchface* yeah see, we only got, like, five minutes left...
Graham: why, kid? i taught you how to kiss on that apple and everything.
Doctor: hey are YOU Ed Sheeran?
Charlie: i wish, he's the only ginger who's allowed to live cos he's given proof of his worth to the government. soon machines will take over and it won't be like the Bush song and all of us will lose our souls...
Doctor: i hate to break this to you, Charlie, but...join me in the corner here, let's have a tea...

* Doctor: you had a plan. but you weren't counting on falling in love.
Charlie: it's true, we watched Big Trouble in Little China together. that's where i came up for the idea of the green smoke. i actually had a better plan than this but i fell in love and that scrambled my brain and i couldn't think clearly after that. girls ruin everything.
Doctor: it's not the automation, it's how humans use the automation, didn't you read Gandhi?
Charlie: dude, i'm, like, in the 5th grade.
Doctor: CHARLIE GET OUT OF THERE!!! OUT OF THE GROUND FLOOR!!! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR!!?
Charlie: i dropped my gum. shit, see i was gonna have a jetpack here to fly off but i forgot to build it...

* Doctor: Charlie wrote in his suicide note that the robots crying finally made him not do it. but it was too late by then. and this magic paper with the Help Me writing on it is from his diary. hey, next time, make a switch in the back of the robots' necks or something to turn them off. it's a bit unsettling to have to rip their heads off.
Judy: gotcha. so this was a really intense episode for a kid's show, you got three deaths of the main characters.
Doctor: yeah but no one really dies.
Jarva: those three did.

* Doctor: can we keep this little cute bot? i want to scare folk from Roswell, everyone in the TARDIS! next stop!
Ryan: and then let's use the bot to make Transformers Cyberverse great again.
Graham: The Jetsons anyone?...…………………………….nah didn't think so.

* Yas: why is there a giant silver filing cabinet in the middle of the TARDIS?
Doctor: i want to be a secretary...
Yas: Doctor, can we mail this silver trinket to that hot dad's child? it's so sad i'm never gonna have a proper romance.
Ryan: what am i, chopped liver? don't answer that, it will probably be ethnic or racist. or involving Kanye. and we'll have to pay a fine from the BBC.
Chibnall: she's not. the standalone-episode format will never allow for a side-romance. surcharges are fun to pay.
Doctor: wipe your tears, girl, we'll pack that sucker in some bubble wrap and Amazon it to her!
the Amazon drone gets caught in the engines and destroys the TARDIS midstream in the wormhole.
Graham: fuck robots.
Doctor: oi. hey. some of my best friends are robots.
Graham: that metal mangy mutt? why do you insist on painting little dog legs on its chassis as it wheels around?
Doctor: just helping K9 feel more comfortable. K9 poos square poo you know.