* plumber: son, stop spritzing glue.
Matt: i'm a growing boy. i need to. there's nothing shameful about it.
dad: son, can't you do something else?
Matt: well i could try rubber cement but man that's gonna be painful.
* i just found out Zagen means "saw"..........very interesting.......and thanks, Google Translate!
* mom: honey, everyone at the hospital is smothered in your seed.
Matt (red cheeks): moooooooom, you're embarrassing me.
* Zagen: this is serious, Matt.
Matt: like The Wire serious or Fringe serious?
* Matt: NO ANESTHESIA?!!!
Father Krang: how do you think Jesus felt with the nails and whatnot?
Matt: i'm Jewish!
Father Krang: don't worry, you'll be reprogrammed in no time.
Matt: i'm not gay!
Father Krang: this is an allegory.
Howie Mandel, in the ER reprising his role as a doctor, screams.
* Zagen: Matt, inside this bag are your balls.
Matt eats his balls.
Matt: i just discovered internet memes.
* Matt: why are you fondling my balls, Father?
Father Krang: an old Catholic tradition. if i were Jesus, i would have sacktapped that traitor Judas for even thinking about betraying me and everything would have been different.
Matt: jesus, don't let that white collar go to your head. literally.
* Matt: so, um, wanna go swimming?
Lucy: Matt, that's your septic tank full of your cum.
Matt: oh, sorry, i get nervous around pixie-cut babes. speaking of my cum, wanna fuck?
Lucy: now that's a new line. i thought you'd never ask. i'm pregnant!
Matt: abortion?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: you're kidding, right? we're keeping the baby? it will be our pride and joy?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: the tone on this show gets confusing.
* Lucy: you're gonna take my baby as your own?! you indirectly fucked me?! madness!
Father Krang: look, i'm only doing what the pink blob in my stomach's telling me to do.
* Matt runs and locks the door behind him.
Lucy (crying and screaming in fear): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
Matt: i gonna cut off these Catholic-priest balls from my body. i'm thinking about sauteing them in a nice champagne reduction till they're nice and crispy but still soft. parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. dinner will be a little late tonight, honey, gotta get that reduction just right.
* this show spoofs horror anthologies. but horror is merely the other side of comedy. one elicits a scream, the other a laugh when your mind is not prepared to see or hear what comes next. both jangle the nerves. so this show ends up being not so much funny as menacingly strange with a few hits to the funny bone thrown in, exactly what an actual modern Twilight Zone episode would be like.
Father Krang: how do you think Jesus felt with the nails and whatnot?
Matt: i'm Jewish!
Father Krang: don't worry, you'll be reprogrammed in no time.
Matt: i'm not gay!
Father Krang: this is an allegory.
Howie Mandel, in the ER reprising his role as a doctor, screams.
* Zagen: Matt, inside this bag are your balls.
Matt eats his balls.
Matt: i just discovered internet memes.
* Matt: why are you fondling my balls, Father?
Father Krang: an old Catholic tradition. if i were Jesus, i would have sacktapped that traitor Judas for even thinking about betraying me and everything would have been different.
Matt: jesus, don't let that white collar go to your head. literally.
* Matt: so, um, wanna go swimming?
Lucy: Matt, that's your septic tank full of your cum.
Matt: oh, sorry, i get nervous around pixie-cut babes. speaking of my cum, wanna fuck?
Lucy: now that's a new line. i thought you'd never ask. i'm pregnant!
Matt: abortion?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: you're kidding, right? we're keeping the baby? it will be our pride and joy?
Lucy: totally.
Matt: the tone on this show gets confusing.
* Lucy: you're gonna take my baby as your own?! you indirectly fucked me?! madness!
Father Krang: look, i'm only doing what the pink blob in my stomach's telling me to do.
* Matt runs and locks the door behind him.
Lucy (crying and screaming in fear): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!
Matt: i gonna cut off these Catholic-priest balls from my body. i'm thinking about sauteing them in a nice champagne reduction till they're nice and crispy but still soft. parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. dinner will be a little late tonight, honey, gotta get that reduction just right.
* this show spoofs horror anthologies. but horror is merely the other side of comedy. one elicits a scream, the other a laugh when your mind is not prepared to see or hear what comes next. both jangle the nerves. so this show ends up being not so much funny as menacingly strange with a few hits to the funny bone thrown in, exactly what an actual modern Twilight Zone episode would be like.
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