Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Angel Man"

learned:

* can you believe it's been 3 years?

* he's not gonna jump, that would be too easy.

* when i said i was going to a place with four walls and men in white robes, i didn't mean the monastery.

* screams of joy

* Dr. Quan: there is no hope for you.
Dimmler: Dr. Con? you just want to keep me walled-up in here. my misery pays your bills.
Dr. Quan: hey i didn't vote for Trumpcare.

* but that would be DIME-ler

* Dr. Quan: this is the choice all men must make: would you rather keep your troubled emotions or become an emotionless, humanless blank-eyed shell?
Eric: i just want to keep my odd sense of humor.

* the thing is, these kinds of lifetime state-run institutions which perform lobotomies don't actually exist anymore.

* Isaiah: you ain't a bad person, Mr. Dimmler, you just got a one-track mind. like me for Nurse Ratched.
Dimmler: i'm just a man. this is The Handmanservant's Tale.
Isaiah: don't ask me, i'm just the butler. you ain't a bad person, just got bad brains. and i'm not saying that cos they're the only black metal band.

* Dimmler: is this running water supposed to calm me or make me go pee?

* Dimmler: whatcha got in the brown bag, black man?
Isaiah: it ain't a 40 or McDonald's. go see your boy for the last time. all this Scotty business is bullshit.
Dimmler: scotch-tape my brains together after they scoop them, woulda Isaiah?
Isaiah: i don't frequent these type of clubs. my cousin got me this mini-flyer.

* Isaiah: in this bag is a change of clothes, a hunting knife, and a getaway car. you stick Tough Tommy the night guard's fat tummy like this, pfft!
Dimmler: Tough Tommy is Nurse Ratched's husband isn't he?
Isaiah: YEAH, SO!!! no, he's my night-guard for my teeth when i sleep.

* Jack: a little intro lights and...
Scotty: fine, Mr. Nicholson. but i got new songs...
Jack: nobody goes to the Smashing Squashes to hear "Being Beige".

* Jack: it was supposed to be Dog's Cabaret. the painter was nervous. everyone has frayed nerves these days. wanna diaper?
Dimmler: and i'm supposed to be the crazy one.
Jack: spray bottle?
Dimmler: what kind of show is this?
Jack: a dog-and-pony one.

* Scotty: remember, the music doesn't matter. just my affect.
patron: sing the low notes!
Dimmler: sing the high notes!
Jack: sing at all!

* Scotty: my low notes cause you to loosen your bowels to such an extent that you will never go poo again. fiber is a government scam!

* Dimmler: gotta keep my boy dry. only spray him if that's hair spray.

* hippie patron: make me brown, baby!
Dimmler: damn hippies.

* Dimmler: that's a coincidence that you happen to be here. are you a patron here?
Isaiah: you have a destiny, Mr. Dimmler.
Dimmler: are you that black guy from Lost? just give me the lobot.
Isaiah: that ridiculous Star Wars villain with the metal Leia buns?

* Scotty: thank you for choosing the Champagne Room love is a government lie how may i help you?
Dimmler: it's the Red Room.
Scotty: i thought they put you away.
Dimmler: they can't take away my dreams!........................y'know i just realized this would make for a dynamite modern noir. us meeting at a smoky red-lit strip club and i don't want you seeing other men so i scoop you away from here and try to buy your permanent love.
Scotty: yeah.

* Scotty: my new experimental stuff?
Dimmler: i go to Radiohead concerts hoping to hear "A Wolf at the Door".

* Dimmler: i'll hit you three times with my high beams.
Scotty: where are your tits? you have no tits.

* Dimmler: some are obsessed with illegal hockey gambling rings, some join Al Qaeda, no biggie.
Scotty: Al Qaeda?
Dimmler: i'm a late bloomer.
Scotty: wanna go back to my place?
Dimmler: i can't enter any room or i start to feel locked-up again.

* Dimmler: girlfriend? that's the most disturbing part.
Scotty: like my new sound, Mr. Dimmler?
Dimmler: this is fruitless. even i wouldn't go to a Radiohead concert hoping to hear "Burn the Witch".

* Dimmler: *driving* your new music sucks, Scotty!..........sorry, i know this is serious, but i cracked myself up there.

* Scotty: do it.
Isaiah: do it.
Dimmler: but if i jump there won't be an "Angel Grandpa".
Isaiah: yeah don't do it. Tim's a millionaire but personally i need there to be a third.

* the banality of suicide...