Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "Baklava"

learned:

* Twilight Zone is back! we need it more than ever. Twilight Zone is the only thing that makes sense in this insane world.

* this may just be my favorite series in a long while.

* a keyboard-seller's, the perfect dripping-with-desperation setting for a Bedtime Story

* baklava: the baklava thing starts to get old after awhile. don't know what other confection could have been used tho. chocolate cake maybe?

* Eric: this woman in the hostage video is my real-life wife. it's not what you think.

* woman: luckily the Cowboys won that important first divisional game, good for tiebreakers later in the season...

* Eric: you're a real brass boy.
man: of course i had to have brass balls to raise you, son, you were a terror as a teenager.
Eric: why wasn't there music in the house, dad? not a marching band, not a clavinova.
man: you were into that shit music with the wolves wearing crowns.

* Barry: son? no way you have a son, Mr. Crown.
Mr. Crown: i talk like this cos i had to be the mother, too.

* Crown: baklava.
Barry: i had some lamb at that Middle Eastern restaurant and threw up.
Crown: you can't say that. baklava is good for my diabetic self.
Barry: how's that? why is honey less dangerous than sugar?

* Barry: there it is, the Big Board. seven more sales and i can get this ponytail removed.

* Barry: if i don't, millions of people will die.
Manny: but not me, right?

* *kicks balloons* Warren even sold Spaghett one!

* Manny: we have a problem. they were closed.
Crown: it was 3AM.
Manny: it's the only time you'll let me take my lunch.

* Crown: they took my B-B-B.
Barry: ?
Crown: my baklava, Big Barry. if i don't get some i'll kill myself.
Barry: it's just sex. no biggie. i'm a virgin and i still have my daughter Janie.
Crown: i'm gonna do it...multiple times.
Barry: i wonder if Frank has any managerial experience.

* Barry: what's the bleach for?
Crown: my voice.

* Barry: damn it Warren stop brown-nosing!
Warren: that's racist, i'm black, not brown.

* Crown: i especially like the nuttiness.

* Crown: dammit Warren look at these levels! the winds have died down considerably. this thing was a dud.

* Crown: go sell me some piano.
Warren: is that slang?
Crown: look it up in urbandictionary. on my anemometer.

* Barry: huh, this synehesizer produces a car-horn sound. don't know when you'd need that.

* Barry: you can't keep doing this to yourself, sir!
Crown: no this wasn't one of them. this is just a really old car.

* Barry: is there a concert pianist in the house?
woman: well i would have been if you weren't such a terror as a teenager.
Barry: hi, mom.

* Crown: before we begin this is like that Twilight Zone episode where the guy in the glass cuts his throat as the only way to remain silent. not trying to cut you off at the pass but there it is.

* Crown: why don't you have the insulin impant, Barry?
Barry: budget. we're an intimate, homey show.

* Crown: this won't be a minute. gotta go bleach my hair again. one more treatment. gotta look presentable for the suicide.

* woman: if you don't sell me this keyboard right now i'll tell your boss about the elephant ivory!

* Manny: *blank-eyed* I'M the one with the managerial experience!