Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories "The Demotion"

learned:

* money problems. pray for us.

* Will Forte can't play calm, even if he tries to.

* suggestive clouds

* Will: i'm a mass murderer.
Dan: don't worry, those weren't real planes. CG. but the lives you took were real.
Will: why do you keep me around, boss?
Dan: only because i am able to resurrect those lives.

* Dan: you need a sleep therapist.
Will: WHAT THE FUCK
Dan: that's a strange overreaction.
Will: that's all i know how to act.
Dan: get some Zs.
Will: i hate pizza.

* Will: *on the toilet* *doorbell rings* shit. i'm shitting.

* Will: i'm coming.
Jason: you will be.

* Jason: hi i'm Jason. i'm a Swede and thus disarming. you will do whatever i say.
Will: your soothing voice is what hypnotizes. clever.

* Will: don't shake my hand, i got shit on it.
Jason: we all do, my friend. doo on our hands. we are human. Ikea means poo in Swedish.

* Will: is it gonna make that black noise all night?
Jason: hoboy. you've got a lot of problems, my brother.

* Dana: are you okay? are you getting enough sleep?
Will: what are you, my mother!? just get me that glass sugar dispenser for me to drink, bitch!
Dana: no, we're done with the MDE apologists. just stick to the regular script.
Will: oh. sorry. can i say cropduster or is that a dog-whistle for vagina?
Dana: just to make super sure better not say cropduster.

* Jason: let me ask you, Willy, do you have any sexual frustrations?
Will: i'm on adult swim what do you think? masturbation is annoying for me.
Jason: any illegal office romances?
Will: Dana. she's cute. but she's out of my league.
Jason: don't sell yourself short, my friend.
Will: but she's Jack Bauer's daughter.

* Jason: if you were choking on food, would you refuse the Heimlich?
Will: but in this case you're offering to do the choking.

* Will: Tim, timeout, Tim. this is Will. not Will from the script, the real Will Forte the living, breathing actor. hi. remember we rehearsed this? we said you wouldn't actually make me cum...

* Will: where'd you get the mask?
Jason: mask?

* Will: 5-Hour Energy is our sponsor?
Dana: i thought it was It. these episodes should have aired in the Halloween month.

* Dana: maybe you should find another expensive therapist?
Will: like who? Eric?
Dana: i hear he's insane. but he's free.

* Will: what are you? right-wing nutjob? furry?
Eric: nuzzle that trash, boy.
Will: you hate doing your chores?

* Dana: i got a thing for the pirate look. most girls don't but i do.

* Will: so no more big boys with my one eye?
Dan: find another way to ask me that.

* Dana: would you mind slipping into this pegleg before we make love?
Will: i already have a silver tooth, what more do you want, woman?